Of Duty and Bonds
by RedPowder
Summary: Kyura Gohama, a kunoichi from the Land of Snow, has a heart and will full of duty towards her Village, Bukigakure. She arrives in Konoha searching for excellence as a ninja, with Kakashi as her one distant liaison to a foreign Village. A story that explores Naruto's universe and the trials of a shinobi life. Slow build. Cover art: The Moon on the Musashi Plain, by Yoshitoshi T.
1. PART I - The White Wolf

PART I

The White Wolf

* * *

At the entrance of the Kyura compound, there was the head of a white wolf engraved into the stone. Gohama pointed her chubby little finger towards it and yelled "Yuwine!"

The chuckles of the wolf that was carrying her vibrated through his ribs and the sides of her legs.

"It's not only me, Gohama-chan" Yukine explained gently, with his deep and wise tone that had always fascinated her "It represents the Kyura, your clan. I'm sure your father will explain that better someday."

"It's a white wolf. You're a white wolf, Yuwine."

"I am and every one in your clan is too."

"No, I'm a girl!" she giggled.

"And a wolf too. The wolf of the Land of Snow. Every Kyura is a white wolf, fierce and loyal, powerful and sacrificing. But you're maybe too young to realise that"

Gohama continued to stare at the crest carved into the stone. It was familiar, her clothes had the drawing, her house, her shrine, her father had his own real wolf, Yukine. Yet, the drawing brought with it something she couldn't understand, she knew it was great and she knew it was important, and she wanted to learn its meaning.

"I'm a white wolf." she whispered softly to herself. It felt right and she loved being one.

"Your father and mother are waiting, Hama-chan. Aren't you hungry?"

"Yea!" she shouted and gripped the white fur of Father's summon "Run!"

And he ran through the carefully paved streets of the Kyura compound, while Gohama bounced on his back and greeted the flashes of people and wolves that would shout out for her.


	2. I - Chapter 1

_Hello there. This is my first fanfiction that has been ruminating for a long time in my head. It's a long one. The main character is OC and this is a lot of me playing around with Naruto's universe, while still following canon (set from the end of Naruto until the end of the Fourth Shinobi War). I've loved Naruto since I was a little girl and wanted to explore some interesting, heavier themes, my favourite character: our lovely Copy-nin, and a female character, (Kishimoto Masashi misses slightly when writing teen girls)__. It focuses on worldbuilding with a new Village and Clan, although still set in Konoha. _

_The major canon character is Hatake Kakashi and the secondary ones, besides other OC, will be from his "age group" and not the Konoha 9, although some"cameos"will appear. I'm just warning in case you were looking for a fanfiction based in the main characters of the anime/manga. _

_I'm not an english native speaker and this is not beta'd, so grammar/orthography corrections are much appreciated. _

_-RedPowder_

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto world or its characters. They belong to Kishimoto Masashi.

* * *

PART I | The White Wolf

Chapter 1

The day was hot, even at early morning. Gohama would have to get used to the weather of Konoha, if she were to stay there. The sun was unforgiving against her dark hair and she was regretting not taking a path through the forest, even if it had been more dangerous. The Leaf scouts could think she was trying to infiltrate the Village.

She could finally see the great green gates, and a sudden uncertainty flickered in her stomach. The forest surrounding the Hidden Leaf pleased her, even if its trees were different from her homeland. The wide green shadow of a tree was comforting with any type of leaves.

Gohama didn't let her thoughts wander too much, as she passed the threshold of Konoha's gates. Promptly, one of the guards called after her.

"Hey, girl! Come here." she took steady steps towards their post "Name, Nationality and reason for visiting."

"Kyura Gohama, Bukigakure, request for asylum."

Both dark haired guards glanced at each other, with furrowed brows. One of them chuckled incredulously and soon the other followed. The chuckles turned into a laughing fit and the corner of Gohama's lip lifted slightly, as she waiting for the guards to pull themselves together.

"Right. And I'm an Uchiha." the left one joked with his partner between laughs.

"I would like to speak to your Hokage, if you would give me clearance for entering."

The right one calmed his giggles and turned back to her, his tone smugly professional. "Do you have any verification of this identity?"

Gohama took a scroll from her back pouch and handed it to him. Her lips twisted into a smirk, reflecting the haughtiness from the shinobi in front of her. "My birth certificate."

The smug one unrolled the document and passed his eyes through it lightly at first. The other peeked over his partner's shoulder and urgently he took the scroll from him so he could assess it better. They lost their confidence and scowled in seriousness.

"This could be forged." They looked up from the certificate to study her response.

"It has the Yukikage's and Buki's seals. It isn't counterfeit. It can't be."

"Even if it isn't," he started while closing the document "we no longer have clearance for people from the Arms Hidden Village. We can't let you enter."

"Konoha clears entrance to citizens from allied Villages with benign motives." Gohama stated, she had made sure of it before leaving her country.

"Well, yes..," he faltered "but the Arms are a special case, there isn—"

"The alliance should still stand, as it has for a hundred years. I ask only for an audience with the Hokage."

The guards exchanged an entire conversation with only one look. It was clear they had been partners for some time.

"We'll call someone to escort you. But it should take you days to get a chance to speak with Hokage-sama."

"I'm in no hurry."

After a few waiting minutes, a masked shinobi materialized beside her. He was clearly ANBU, with his porcelain bird mask, long gloves and grey vest. Gohama had obviously heard of the infamous Leaf ANBU. She wondered if she could enter their military division. Her own assets would probably be best exploited and developed there. She had come to Konoha in search of improvement, ANBU seemed the best option for her.

She followed the operative, taking in the view of the Village. The streets were all unpaved, the dirt and stones cracked under her sandals. It was foreign to her, but the sound soothing. It seemed strange for such a wealthy Village not to care for paved streets. Her feet were already dust white, for regular citizens it would be unpractical.

The architecture was a mess. Gohama could see how the buildings seemed to have a related style, but they were all in different shapes and colours; apparently boxed in randomly to fit the narrow streets. It was overwhelming. She very much preferred the traditional and Japanese style of Buki. Then there were the sculpted faces of the Hokage, hovering the Leaf. She could understand the adoration. The Arms' people also revered the Yukikage, however the constant scrutinizing of the five faces made her unsettled. Maybe that was also another reason, to awe and craft fear in foreign visitors. But if Konoha lived long enough, there would be no space left for the future Hokage and it seemed unfair to have a monument of ones and not others. Did the people here ever wondered about that? Was there a planned solution? She scoffed at herself. Why did she care, she would be long dead before that happened.

Despite the eccentric architecture, the Village did have a particular charm. There was a constant murmur of life accompanied by cicadas singing and the ruffling of leaves. It was cozy and safe, it was a home for the thousands of people that lived here. Gohama started feeling resentment gnawing on her. She tried brushing this ridiculous feeling out of her, but, as she entered the centre of Konoha, there were more people peacefully living their day to day life and her bitterness settled deeper.

Suddenly a happy and animated sound made her jerk. She turned towards its source. Children were playing and laughing on a playground. Their carefree laughs thrust into her heart. She had forgotten how children sounded, she hadn't heard them in so many years. A wistful smile crept into her expression. She felt her eyes prickle and her throat tighten. How could such a simple thing move her so deeply? It really was a home. Her being ached for her own. She felt like laughing and crying at the same time. Maybe she had been wrong. Maybe she wasn't prepared to barge into normal life again, only to remain at its shore, quietly observing with aching longing.

They reached a red circular building. It was as terrible as the others were. The kanji for fire standing out. The ANBU operative ushered her in towards the reception and left in a cloud of smoke.

"Good morning, how can I help you?" The receptionist asked her with practice politeness, not taking her attention from the schedule on her desk.

"I would like an audience with Hokage-sama."

"I'm afraid that without previous arrangements it will take a few months."

"It's urgent." Gohama pressed.

"May I ask the purpose and who is asking?"

"A request for asylum from Kyura Gohama."

The older kunoichi raised her head in disbelief and dissected Gohama, focussing on her green eyes. Then, she leaned subtly over her desk and her eyebrows shot upwards at the hitai-ate at Gohama's waist.

She grabbed the phone and typed a number. "Shizune-san, I have an urgent request for asylum. Would Hoka— Yes, I know…" she lowered her voice into a whisper "…but it's from a Kyura…"

Gohama heard static murmur leaving the phone, but couldn't make out the words. It went silent for a while, but the receptionist didn't end the call. Then a short murmur returned and the phone was hastily lowered.

"Hokage-sama will see you right away. Please continue down the corridor and await on the hall before the third wooden door. Have a nice day, Kyura-san."

Gohama was pleasantly surprised by the efficiency of her request for an audience. Being taken as a priority, even if it was mainly fueled by curiosity, sparkled her already bursting pride in her clan. The name was not forgotten. Its greatness would forever live on. Gohama would make sure of this.

* * *

Kakashi could finally sigh in relief as the office door closed behind him. A week past due on a report, although common for him, was always a risk. He could never know how Tsunade would react. It had been an important S-rank mission report, but Kakashi hadn't managed to bring himself to write it when he was healing from chakra exertion. _Icha Icha_ had been his priority after his unwilling withdrawal during the mission. Only after reading it three times, did he gave his precious time to the report.

This time a troubled Shizune, thankfully, interrupted the Hokage's growing rage; she had been ready to throw a paperweight at his head when her assistant entered with an urgent massage. The only reply was a widening of eyes and an «I'll see her right away». To Kakashi, Tsunade's answer was a threat of bodily harm if he were to turn in another report late, followed by a yell for him to get out. He happily did so, silently thanking «her».

Now out of the danger zone, he wondered who this «her» was and why was she such an urgency and concern. Tsunade had seemed shocked and confused. It wasn't fear in her wide eyes, so probably there was nothing to concern himself about. His curiosity died there. As he strolled down the corridor, all he could think about was a sunny spot to start another re-reading of _Icha Icha Violence_.

A chakra signature made him flinch. He raised his hitai-ate imperceptibly and slowed his steps so he could gather time to examine it. It spread across the corridor in encompassing waves. Where had he sensed something like this before? He crossed the curve, expectant for the shinobi that contained such grace and fierceness. A girl. His eyebrows raised involuntarily at his surprise. She was by the receptionist. She must be the «her» Tsunade was so eager to see. Kakashi didn't recognise the girl, only her chakra. It was at the tip of his tongue. He had fought someone like this. With his Sharingan he saw it flow her pathways with power and fluidity. Such a girl, with such chakra…

She turned towards him, walking down the corridor. He studied her with his perfected nonchalance. Pale skin, black hair, green eyes. She reminded him of someone. No. It couldn't be. Then his gaze focused on the hitai-ate at her waist. The carved shuriken. It had been seven years since he had last seen one. His guts clenched. He shoved both hands into his pockets as he felt them slightly tremble. He faced straight ahead, ignoring the arrogant steps of the ghost passing right beside him. Was she actually smirking?

This explained Tsunade's reaction, but she had to be a fake. The Arms no longer existed. The Kyura were all dead.

* * *

"You certainly look like a Kyura, but I don't buy it." Tsunade-sama said, her chin propped on her intertwined fingers, her scrutinizing eyes static on Gohama as she stood in front of her desk. "Though your chakra does also feel Kyura like."

Gohama stepped forward and the ANBU quickly blocked her passage.

"Edgy." she commented "Can I at least give Hokage-sama my birth certificate?"

Tsunade nodded and the ANBU moved back to their place against the walls. Gohama handed her the scroll.

"This could be forged."

"It has the Yukikage and Arms' seals."

"You overestimate the seals and underestimate forgers."

The Hokage opened it and examined the evidence. Her eyes widened and she glanced at the girl in front of her.

"Kyura Inaku…" she murmured to herself "So you are allegedly the Yukikage's daughter?"

"Yes, Hokage-sama. This is also a letter from my uncle, Kyura Tsukate."

The blonde woman laughed "Another Kyura alive?"

"He was never taken as dead. He left the Village to be a monk before the massacre. The letter should explain why I remained hidden and how I'm not dead."

"Have you read the letter?" she asked with a raised eyebrow.

"No, Hokage-sama."

Tsunade opened it and solemnly studied it. She yelled for a Shizune and a dark haired woman appeared. She whispered to her assistant, which left with her orders, Gohama couldn't capture the exchange.

"Your uncle seems persuasive, but I still need more evidence. You must understand I have to be certain before allowing an asylum. Besides, we have still to discuss the reason for your request. But before that, do you have any more proofs to corroborate your statement?"

"I have the Kyura's bloodline limit." Gohama said matter-of-factly.

"Show us."

The silence in the room was pondering and expectant. The Kyura extended her arm and turned her palm upwards. With an effortless push of her energy through her pathways, delicate threads of light blue chakra flowed from her hand into the air. She moved her other hand into her pouch and, in a flash, an ANBU held her wrist and another a kunai to her throat.

"Very edgy indeed. I just need an object to show the bloodline limit."

Tsunade waved at her guards, which retreated, and threw a paperweight at Gohama. It was caught mid course by a field of blue chakra. Gohama clenched her hand into a fist, the glass piece shattered, and the shards fell with light thuds to the floor.

"The manipulation of chakra outside the pathways…" Tsunade again murmured to herself in wonder "This is…"

"…a great asset to Konoha." Gohama finished.

The assistant entered the room again with a mountain of files in her arms, she dropped them with a bang on the Hokage's desk. She left again. Tsunade opened the first file and stared at it for long ten minutes. She never changed a page, but her face was strangely impassive. Finally, she turned her eyes to Gohama, closing the file.

"Why have you come to Konoha for asylum?"

"As the letter probably informed you, I've been living for the past seven years secretly with my uncle at the monastery. During that time, he was my teacher. Unfortunately, I can no longer learn anything from him. I ask for asylum so I can become a part of the Leaf military force. I want to progress to my fullest potential."

"Why the Leaf?"

"There has been an alliance between us since the beginning of our Villages. I am now, as the only representative of the Arms, asking for an effective measure, beneficial to both parties. I would be a more capable and experienced Kunoichi and the Leaf would use me as its own."

"Still, you could have gone to any other Village. Most would willingly accept a Kyura in their military power."

"Uncle Tsukate insisted I would go to Konoha or nowhere else. He has collaborated with your Village before and seems to trust it. At least above the others."

"The question is do you trust Konoha?"

"I don't trust blindly."

"Wise, but not the right answer."

"No. But an honest one."

Tsunade scoffed and smirked.

"What do you know about Buki's massacre?"

Gohama's heart pinched at the words, but didn't let it show.

"Nothing different from the universally accepted version. The missing-nin from the Land of Snow and other countries conspired to destroy one of their greatest adversaries. And they succeeded."

"You were there. What did you see?"

"People dying." She offered a vague answer.

"What about the specifics? The actual ninja attacking."

"The only face I could possibly have memorized was covered by a blank mask." Gohama explained impatiently "I don't mean to be rude, but why would you care to know, Hokage-sama?"

Tsunade leaned back on her chair "That day was a tragedy for the shinobi world. Konoha isn't indifferent to what happened."

"Does this mean you will accept my request?"

A long sigh escaped her lips "If only it was that simple, girl. This is unprecedented. I have to discuss it with the _council_." Tsunade let some distaste slip from her tone.

"With all due respect, but I'm eager for an answer as I wish to take the Chunin Exam."

"The Chunin Exam? The one in two weeks?" she asked surprised. Gohama's only response was to nod "I can't accept an application, you have to be nominated by a Jonin sensei. Besides, I don't know your level. You may have the Kyura rare blood limit, but you have no mission experience and no team."

"Well, I was a genin training for chunin when my Village was attacked. I have gone on several D-rank missions and C-rank ones. I have the records here." she laid a scroll on the oak desk, opening it. Several files appeared in a smoke cloud. "I am more than capable of taking the exam. In fact, in terms of abilities, I'm on Jonin level." Tsunade scoffed at her confidence. "Yes, I don't have the mission experience of a Jonin, but I have definitely one of a Chunin."

The Hokage studied the new files on her table and Gohama could see the pondering behind her eyes. Pondering was better than a decisive no.

"You can take the Chunin Exam as part of a Leaf team if your request for asylum is accepted. And you have to complete ten D-rank missions for the Leaf and one C-rank. Considering the lack of time, I will give you an answer by tomorrow morning. You'll have fifteen days to prove your worth."

"I will."

"An ANBU operative will escort you to an Inn where you can stay. You are dismissed." Gohama gave a deep nod as a bow and turned to leave. Tsunade added "And it's good to see that hitai-ate on a shinobi again."

As Gohama closed the door, she heard yelling.

"Shizune! Bring me back Hatake! Now!"

* * *

The Inn room was acceptable. It had a queen size bed, a desk and a bathroom. A large window illuminated the room. The tree branches just outside created fresh and peaceful shadows on the floor and walls. It would do. If she were to actually stay in Konoha, she would buy a proper apartment.

Sighing, she threw her bag across the room and sat on the bed. Gohama could clearly sense the chakra signature on the other side of the street. The shinobi wasn't even trying to hide his chakra. The Leaf was underestimating her. It was obvious the Hokage would order surveillance on a foreign, slightly suspicious kunoichi, however, ANBU were supposed to be secretive, and the operative outside her window was anything but a secret. The reunion with Tsunade had gone well. Gohama could see she wanted to accept her request for asylum. Politically it would be an advantage for Konoha to embrace the last survivor of a famous and powerful clan. Having a Kyura choose their Village would show others they were taken as militarily superior. Besides, practically, she would be an actual good kunoichi, succeeding in missions. There was little, if any, downsides to her asylum. It was wise not to trust an unknown person, but really what could Gohama do to damage a powerful Village.

On her side, Gohama desperately needed field experience. As a missing and independent nin, her freedom was constricted. Submitting to a Village, meant she was protected to complete as much fieldwork as she wanted. Fieldwork also meant travelling. This way she could gather more information about the people behind the massacre of the Arms. During her time in the monastery, she had investigated her home country, the Land of Snow. She had managed to gather information about involved criminal syndicates and gain some contacts. However, with her abilities' level, she could do little about it. She had to be patient. Patience… It would be easier if every day her insides weren't gnawed by loss and pain.

Gohama took a letter from her pouch and examined it. Her uncle had asked her to deliver it to an old friend. Hatake Kakashi. She had already passed him at the Hokage's tower corridor. He had a remarkable chakra. Nothing surprising for the famous Copy-nin, he was also known in the Snow Country. However, what intrigued her was that she could have sworn she had already sensed it somewhere. Probably he had been to the Arms before the massacre or he had passed her on a mission, while she gathered information on missing-nin. Still, she couldn't escape the eerie feel the powerful, both wild and contained, chakra had caused her. Gohama supposed he wasn't an S-rank shinobi for nothing. All Uncle Tsukate had told her was that they had fought together during the Third Shinobi War and that he trusted the Hatake. She already knew what the letter probably contained, so there was little curiosity on her part.

Rising from the bed, she sealed the door and windows of the room and left.

She wandered towards the centre of the Village, acquainting herself with the streets and buildings. It was lunchtime, so she figured it was time to find some place to eat. She entered the street with most restaurants. It was full of shinobi. It somewhat warmed her. It had been a long time since she were in a ninja village. However, the familiar space was overpowered by the piercing loss. It was not the Arms. They were not the people she had known. Those were all dead. And here she was, alive and walking and hungry. Guilty. Lost in her own sorrow, she almost didn't noticed the glances people gave her. It was, obviously, no longer unknown that a kunoichi from the destroyed Arms was in the Leaf. The stares were both confused, untrusting, curious and suspicious. Gohama didn't really care.

She entered through the canvas of a traditional Fire Country restaurant. She was curious about the cuisine of a country she had never been in. Asking for the day's dish, she sat and waited. The ANBU was on the roof across the street. She couldn't see him but she could sense him. Konoha had forgotten one of Kyura's abilities was a sixth sense that allowed them to feel the chakra of people around them, the same way they could see, hear, touch or smell them. This overlook was all the better for her. Satisfied with her meal, although it was not quite as tasty as the ones from home, she left the restaurant.

She strolled through the streets and a chakra signature popped over the others. It was now the time to give Hatake Kakashi the letter. He was sitting in another restaurant, facing the street. He was reading a book, apparently porn, whatever the deal was with reading that type of book in public. Gohama supposed every deadly shinobi had their kinks to cope with the job. She suppressed her chakra and waited for the perfect moment. As a burdened waiter passed by his table, she created thin threads of chakra that entangled her ankles. She fell and the ninja was forced to abandon his book on the table with a thud, as he caught the woman and loaded tray before both reached the floor. Gohama stealthy put the letter between the pages of the book and left. Good thing the Copy-nin seemed to be a gentleman willing to help pretty women in need.

Gohama spent the rest of the day wandering through the village with an ANBU operative as her company.

* * *

Gohama woke up to the chirping of a small bird on her windowsill. She was being summoned. The council must have chosen already. A cold fluster broke through her stomach. It had been years since she had felt this anxious. Neither prospect could calm her trembling guts. The rejection of her asylum meant she had to search for another willing village to accept her as a kunoichi. Maybe it didn't even have to be a village, just a powerful teacher. This, in terms of practicability, was the worst outcome. However, the other made her even more nervous. It was incredibly irrational to be affected so strongly by something she wished. Gohama felt the unknown tingle in her skin. She knew that, if she stayed in the Leaf, her life would change completely. After seven years stuck in the same place, with the same people, the same routine, the same everything, change scared her. Yes, it was more than nervousness, it was fear. She wanted to stay in Konoha badly, but she couldn't help but fear the change, the unknown. She had only lived in the Land of Snow. She had lived her first nine years in her home. The next seven in the monastery. The changes set in her life weren't part of her choice. Now, she had finally chosen. What if she had chosen poorly? What if she ended up fucking everything up? She was good at fucking things up. Gohama forced her worries away from her mind. This was the right choice. This was the logical step. She needed to become powerful. She needed to reach the top of the top. Konoha was just a means for that. She needed to focus on her objective and forget her fears. This was her way as a kunoichi of the Arms, as a Kyura. This was her duty.

The wooden doors were closed. It was early and nobody crossed the corridor. A voice came from inside.

"Come in." Tsunade ordered.

Gohama opened the door. It felt heavier than yesterday. She confidently walked across the room, standing before the Hokage and bowing. "Hokage-sama."

"Good Morning. I hope you enjoyed your first day in Konoha." Gohama nodded. "I won't torture you longer. Konoha is giving you asylum. This means, from now on, you have the same rights and obligations as any Konoha citizen. As a kunoichi, you are to serve the Village above all else and your loyalty stands with the Leaf. If you have any suspicious contact with an outside and hostile party, the punishment is execution. The bureaucracies will be arranged later with my assistant.

"Now. Let's talk about the chunin exam and your place inside the military forces. Before you start completing the requested missions we talked about yesterday, I need you to perform the bushin no jutsu. A mere formality to access that you are indeed at the genin level."

A copy of Gohama appeared beside her.

"Good." Tsunade picked up a band and the sound of metal clicked in the room "Here. Your hitai-ate."

The Kyura's eyes widen and she couldn't bring herself to move forward. She had forgotten that important matter. Being a Leaf kunoichi meant wearing the Leaf hitai-ate. She instinctively brought her hand to the Arms' one on her waist. She would be betraying her Village by taking another band. Her origins, all that she was and aimed to be was represented on the shuriken carved in the metal strip. She could never wear another symbol. It would be renouncing to herself. Worse. It would be renouncing to her Village, her clan, her family. All the people that had died and the ones that had given their lives for her. She had already left them behind, she couldn't possibly forsake them. Brother, Mother, Father. She gripped the metal plate.

"I can't wear the Konoha hitai-ate."

"Every Leaf shinobi has to wear one."

"I can't."

"And I can't accept you as part of our military forces without it."

"You must understand my position, Hokage-sama."

"The forehead protector represents the pride and fidelity for the Village. Without one—"

"That's why I can't accept one from another Village. This is what I have left from my destroyed Village. I will be loyal to the Leaf, but I can't renounce or substitute my own home. Even if it no longer exists."

Tsunade let out a pained sigh and massaged her temples with her fingertips. "You give me a lot of headaches, Kyura. The hags from the council will give me shit for this…" she opened one of the drawers of her desk and took a cup from out of it. She downed whatever drink was inside and put the cup back on the desk with a sharp chink "Keep it."

"Thank you, Tsunade-sama."

"Now. About the Chunin Exam: complete the missions, ten D-rank and one C-rank. I already have a team for you to join. You should train with them at least once, so you can get familiar with their abilities and styles. The sensei contact." Tsunade gave her a piece of paper "This year the host is Sand, so we'll travel. Any questions?"

"No, Tsunade-sama."

"Shizune will give you forms to fill and take care of the bureaucracies with you. Welcome to your new home." Tsunade turned her face to the left and yelled "Shizune!" The same poor dark haired woman from yesterday scurried inside the office "The Kyura is all yours. You're both dismissed."

* * *

Three days had passed since her meeting with Tsunade. Gohama had completed five D-rank missions. They were a complete bore. She had plucked weeds from backyards, built fences, cleaned rivers and searched for a cat named Tora. She was a deep brown cat with a red ribbon on her right ear. It had been an important mission, as she belonged to the wife of the Daimyo. After returning Tora to her owner, Gohama could truly understand why the poor cat had escaped. According to the chunin that received her report, no one was a true genin of the Leaf if they had never searched for Shijimi-sama's cat. The Kyura had smiled at the brown-haired chunin, with a scar across his nose. He was one of the few that had been nice to her. It wasn't important to be accepted, but she could appreciate it. Especially when he had recognised her as a true Leaf kunoichi, even with her Arms' hitai-ate at her waist. His name was Iruka. They made small talk, another kind gesture from him. He was too good to be a shinobi, which explained why he taught academy kids. She could see it was the best job for him.

Gohama remembered her own Academy Sensei. Enoki-sensei was nothing like Iruka. They used to call me «fungus-head» behind his back. He had been a frustrated and resentful chunin that had never managed to achieve the jonin rank. Instead of embracing his duty as a teacher, he made sure his students suffered from his failures. He enjoyed shoving his own skills at poor academy kids and mocking them from failing his advanced exercises. Gohama and her friend Haku were the only ones that had managed to humiliate him by defeating him in a spar or completing his exercises. Gohama because she had her personal teacher outside of the academy, the wise Osamu-hanshi. Haku because he was intrinsically a genius and trained hard. Both had graduated from the Academy aged seven. Her whole class envied the ones lucky to learn with Hanako-sensei, with long blonde hair and hazel eyes, at the same time demanding and caring. Her lips curled in a longing smile as she recalled her childhood. She had not anticipated Konoha would remind her so much of the Arms. It made her anguish wound deeper.

As she left the Hokage Tower for a random place that served food, the sun already setting, she inwardly greeted the two chakra signatures that had kindly waited for her outside. One was the ANBU operative. They rotated from three separate ninja. One with wind nature affinity, which seemed the most mature and skilled - only due to her Kyura ability of sensing chakra did she detect him - the other two were only rookies, both with water affinity. They were sloppy in their chosen positions and noisy. She entertained herself with counting the amount of times she had seen the weasel mask. He was probably a good shinobi, eager for the real and dangerous missions and bored to death by tailing a harmless girl. Weasel had made the mistake of underestimating her and disregarding his job. Gohama sympathised with him somehow, which had made her snort at herself. She was really bored to death, too. Now, it was the other rookie, the one with the snake mask watching her.

The other chakra signature, independent from the ANBU team, would only make appearances from time to time. It had started since her first day as a Leaf kunoichi. He probably wanted to learn more about her person than make sure she wasn't affiliating with the enemy or plotting a coup-d'état. When she reached a ramen stand, his chakra disappeared.

Her dinner was spent bearing the loud, overly excited blond boy at her side. According to the frustrated pink haired girl beside him, he was called Naruto. She Sakura. What a pretty but unoriginal name. Gohama supposed the boy's energy came from the surprising unfindable chakra reserves he had. She had only ever sensed chakra like this in Kyuras. Suddenly, they both fell quiet. The blond-haired boy glanced over her. He was so obvious Gohama wondered how he had managed to graduate from the Academy. Maybe his chakra…

"Are you the Kyura girl?" he asked her.

The girl punched him in the head.

"Don't be rude, Naruto!" she admonished, but still looked expectantly towards Gohama for a confirmation.

Gohama decided to oblige them. "Yes." she said without turning from her ramen bowl.

"That's so cool! What's your name?"

"Does it really matter?"

"Of course it does! I'm Naruto and this is Sakura."

"Nice to meet you." Sakura sheepishly said.

"Your Naruto what?"

"Uzumaki."

"Mm… That explains it." she said to herself.

"Explains what?"

"Your chakra."

He crunched his eyes closed, as oblivious to her comment as before. Gohama put some coins on the counter and left. She heard him shouting:

"I'm leaving tomorrow, but we can train in the morning!"

Gohama just wanted to get back to her room and rest. She was tired after completing three D-rank missions in one day. The missions themselves were annoyingly easy, but took time and a lot of patience. And being patient had always exhausted her. She yearned for a quiet and relaxing bath, which would be delayed by the recognizable body of chakra laying on her bed.

"I didn't know strange men sneaking into a girl's room was a costume in Konoha." she said before the bed entered her field of vision.

"Isn't it a costume in the Land of Snow?" the deep voice asked surprised.

"I personally never had a monk waiting for me in my bed." She replied with her arms crossed over her chest and a questioning look at the man reading in her bed.

" Strange. That makes me wonder how could a girl spend almost seven years of her life stuck in a monastery?"

"Great food and free rent. How did you break the seals?"

"I have my ways."

"So, the clerk gave you the key. No respect for people's privacy..." she shook her head and pushed herself off the wall "Well, that's on me for being lazy and not sealing the key and lock." Gohama went for her pack and collected her things for the bath as if the man wasn't in the room. "I'm going to take a bath. I gather you already have enough information after stalking me for two days." the man smirked behind the mask "So you can go, unless you actually came here to join me."

"For a girl straight out of the monastery you sure are cheeky."

She went towards the bathroom.

"Aren't you going to ask me about the letter?" he asked.

She shrugged "I know what it says."

"So you've read it." There was wariness in his tone.

"No, but I can guess it just has advice and information about me to help my _integration_ here. Uncle wouldn't leak that to someone he didn't know and trust."

"Ah. Tsukate trusts me. That's flattering."

Gohama stopped at the doorframe of the bathroom "Don't you have anything better to do or are you still trying show off your abilities? If it's the last I'm sorry to say but you're failing considering my bag is all tossed, I knew you were following me and I'm not the least bit intimidated."

"You're confidence is too reckless." He warned with an amused tilt to his voice.

"Maybe, but it hasn't failed me. Anything else, Hatake Kakashi?"

"For you is Hatake-sama." He corrected and lifted himself from her bed.

"Of course, how rude of me." Gohama deadpanned while directing him towards the window and releasing its seal. The window opened. "You can bring Weasel back. I'm starting to miss him."


	3. I - Chapter 2

Part I | Chapter 2

* * *

Gohama opened the mission scroll. Helping an old lady with her groceries. She sighed and moved towards the civilian district. From roof to roof, she quickly reached the feeble old house with a red wooden door. She knocked thrice.

"Who is it?" A weak voice sounded from inside.

"Mishimoto-san, I'm here to help you with your groceries."

The locks chinked and rumbled and Gohama impatiently waited for the door to finally open. When it did, but only half way, a small decrepit old woman peeked through the crack. She roved her wary gazed twice over Gohama from top to bottom. Satisfied with her scrutinizing, she raised her chin and spat bitterly "You're the girl they've been talking about."

"It's good to know I'm famous."

"They don't say good things."

"Well. It's like people say «No publicity is bad publicity»."

"How dishonourable" the old woman squealed, as if Gohama had insulted her personally "I refuse to be helped by a foreign ninja! I want a Konoha nin."

"I am a Konoha kunoichi. They wouldn't give me this mission scroll if I wasn't." Gohama waved it in front of the hag.

"Then what is that at your waist?" she pointed smugly, as a child catching an adult red-handed.

"That's just a particularity. There's no need to worry about it. I'm still Leaf. I will do everything as the previous ninja that helped you did." she tried to keep her voice soft.

"How can I trust you not to leave with my money?"

"I'm the heiress of a noble clan. I don't need your brass farthing."

The old woman inhaled deeply, her eyes and mouth widened in outrage. "You dare insult me! You rude brat! I'll go to the Hokage myself. Imura-san was right, there's nothing good about you coming here, to our Village!"

She tried shutting the door and Gohama effortlessly caught it.

"You did insult me first by calling me a thief, but I suppose senile old people can get away with anything. Now. I really do need to complete this mission, so, if you'll excuse me, I just need to fetch your grocery list. I'll even pay for it myself." she said the last offer with a sweet tone, forcing the door open.

The old woman started yelling for help. Someone tugged Gohama's shirt from behind and pulled her out the house. He stepped between the old hag and Gohama.

"I'm extremely sorry for this outrageous behaviour, Mishimoto-san. I'll make sure she is dealt with. Now, may I help you with your groceries?"

"Oh, Kakashi-kun! How nice of you to save me. You were always a nice boy." The old woman said while pinching his masked cheeks. "I'll go fetch the list. Please make sure that insolent brat never comes near me again. Such a dishonourable girl. Shameful. Truly shameful. I'll make sure people are warned. She'll taint this Village."

"You know how they are in Snow Country. Barbaric." his indignant tone had a hint of mocking.

Kakashi received the list and the door shut behind him. The rumble of metal and locks echoing through the street.

"Your social skills are wonderful." he commented sarcastically.

"That's what seven years in a monastery does to a person. That and not giving a shit."

"A senile old woman…" he chuckled "Half the people will hate you, the other half will make you their personal hero."

"Do you make a habit of spying other people?"

"I am a shinobi."

"Well, is the great Copy-nin going to steal my D-rank mission?"

"You go to the market." he gave her the list "But it's better if I deliver the groceries."

"I don't need your help."

Gohama jumped onto the rooftop and sped towards the market. There was nothing the bitchy old hag didn't want. The Kyura gracefully balanced the bags on her way over through the ground. It was definitely supposed to be a mission for a genin team, not solo. From the looks people gave her, the old woman had already spread the attack she had been a victim of. When she arrived, Kakashi was laying on the shabby roof, reading his book.

"You read porn in public, but I'm the disgraceful one."

He glanced towards her. "I'm surprised you managed that in one trip. With my team, it took two and they were three brats"

"Well, I am extremely skilled."

"Only as a kunoichi, I'm afraid. Wait here. " he pocketed his book and jump onto the ground.

He balanced the bags even more easily than Gohama. He looked towards her and tilted his head towards the door. She knocked for him. The shuffle of locks overpowered the cicada's singing. Gohama jumped out of view. She heard their amusing exchange.

"Oh, Kakashi-kun! Come in, come in! Look at you carrying all those bags! And so handsome, like your father! It's a shame you hide your face. You must break many hearts… Don't you have a girlfriend?"

"I'm afraid it's just me." Even from the roof, Gohama could distinguish his embarrassment.

"I have a beautiful grand-niece. I can arrang—"

"Ah," he cut the woman off and Gohama chuckled "I'm flattered, Mishimoto-san, but my shinobi job steals all of my time."

"Stay for tea, then."

"I have to deliver the mission report as soon as I finish it. But thank you."

"So busy! That isn't good for a young man such as yourself. You should enjoy life, especially women, Kakashi-kun, before you settle for one. It's really a shame such a handsome man is still single…"

"Have a good day, Mishimoto-san."

"Wait, before you go, Kakashi-kun. Make sure you straighten things out with the Hokage when it comes to that insolent Kyura. If you'll allow me to say such things, but if that's what all of them were like, maybe it's for the best… you know… Thank the gods, a brat like that—"

Gohama's anger boiled at those vicious words. She was ready to burst through the house when Kakashi spoke "I will not allow it. The Kyura were an honourable clan, one of the best in the shinobi world. What happened was unfair and tragic. Only a senile old woman such as yourself could ever say something so spiteful."

There was silence. It was only broken by the sound of a door shutting softly. No locks rumbled this time. Gohama felt a strange feeling tug at her chest. She left before she could meet Kakashi.

* * *

There were only three days until the Chunin Exam. Gohama decided she should meet her team that day. She had completed all the missions requested by the Hokage. The C-rank one was a simple escort job to another town in the Fire Country, lasting only a day with no dangerous encounters. Gohama had actually hoped for some action. She had been so bored in the past week and a half. Only solo training had entertained her. She had thought Kakashi would spy on her abilities while she exercised, but he never did. Sparing with the Copy-nin would definitely had kept her entertained.

The Jonin Headquarters was beside the Hokage Tower. Tsunade had told her she should find her provisional team's sensei there. She reached the reception.

"Good morning. Do you know where I can find Inuzuka Gaku?"

"At the common room."

"Which is?"

"At the end of the corridor take the left, then the second left, then all the way to the end."

"Thank you."

When she passed the second left, she could hear, from the opened double doors at the end of the corridor, the murmur of animated conversation, some loud laughs would break through the mumble. She walked the distance confidently and entered the room with no hesitation. Quiet. All eyes turned towards her. She hated how her heart fastened and her hands became humid. She was ready to speak when Kakashi stepped in front of her. She hadn't even noticed he was there in the mixture of too many powerful chakra. In the back of her mind, she left a note to train that aspect of her sense.

"Last I heard you were still a genin." he joked.

Whispers began filling the room. Gohama focused on Kakashi, frowning in disgust as she saw him drink tea through his mask.

"Tsunade told me I could find Inuzuka Gaku here."

"Hansuke." he called.

A man with light brown hair and tanned skin walked towards them. His look was fixated on her Arms' hitai-ate. As he reached them, his eyes settled on Gohama's for a second. They were a deep hazel, his gaze intense. He quickly averted it towards Kakashi. Quite an attractive man.

"Yes?" he asked the other Jonin, voice deep and smooth.

"Do you know where Inuzuka is"

"I think he's training with his team. No idea where."

"Mm. By the way. Gohama," his hand slid towards the hazel-eyed Jonin. "this is Giranai Hansuke. Hansuke," he moved his hand towards Gohama "this is, well…, I think everyone knows who she is by now."

"Nice to meet you, Kyura-san." he said without looking at her "Excuse me."

They both watched him head towards a group of chatting Jonin. Kakashi shrugged.

"You have to search for Inuzuka on the reserved training fields' log." he said as he was taking off.

"Kakashi." she called.

"Kakashi?"

"I'm not going to call you san, much less sempai."

"Sama is good for me."

"Where can I find this book of reservations?"

"Hokage Tower. Thought you knew".

"Why do people assume I know where everything is?" she mumbled to herself.

"Because you appear to be a smart girl." he mocked, back already turned to her. "I suppose it's just an appearance, though."

Gohama left for the Hokage Tower. Again.

Finally at the training field 9, she saw her team for the Chunin Exam. Gohama decided it was best to access their abilities from a far. The sensei had red fang markings on his cheeks and a large dog was beside him. A boy and a girl, both maybe fourteen years old, constituted the team. They were sparing with each other. The girl couldn't balance her lack of strength with speed or cunning, so the boy easily overpowered her. Still, his movements were sloppy and rash. They were just using taijutsu. The girl was finally thrown onto the floor with a hard punch. Gohama approached them, standing beside the sensei.

Without turning away from his students, Inuzuka commented "So you're the Kyura everyone has been talking about."

"I'm flattered"

The kids reached them. The girl had long blue hair and dark eyes. The boy was taller, with broad shoulders, light hair and blue eyes.

"Guys, this is Kyura…" he looked towards her, expecting her to complete his words.

"Gohama."

"She'll be part of our team during the Chunin Exam. This is Nisami and Ryu." All three nodded at each other. "The best way to acquaint with each style and abilities is fighting. So, who starts?"

"Me." Ryu said with a cocky smile.

Gohama could already sense from his chakra that he had water nature. She would go with earth then. They jumped onto the middle of the clearing. His hand seal movement wasn't fast, so Gohama caught onto the jutsu before he unleashed it. The boy was starting hard. A massive high-pressure wave rose from the stream that crossed the field, but she had already disappeared into the trees. A hole was left on the soil. Ryu had wasted 30% of his reserves and he hadn't even made sure he hit the target. Rash. She couldn't understand what their sensei was thinking. They were clearly not ready to be Chunin. His disappointed look was amusing.

Gohama took the chance to surprise him from behind, sweeping his feet. He fell onto the ground but recovered quickly. They began exchanging blows. He was strong, but his technic was all wrong. He punched and kicked with no thought, hoping one would hit the target. Gohama easily avoided them. Again, he used the same jutsu. Now aware of the force of the water, she could safely build an earth wall. He was at 40%. They began a taijutsu fight.

"Think when you fight. Every time you punch, you open your defences. I could easily win with counter-attacks. Use your strength along with your brain."

"What do you know, Kyura?" he said bitterly "You're not the sensei."

"She's right, Ryu!" Inuzuka shouted "If you'd only listen to your sensei…"

He became enraged, his blows more frantic and sloppy. Again, he tried using his water release. This time he put more chakra into it. Gohama managed to reinforce her rock wall. The kid fell. Stupid kid. He finished his chakra reserves. She rushed towards him. If he wasn't be able to go to the Exam, she couldn't go too. She made another wall of earth separating them from Inuzuka and Nisami. As she laid a hand onto his bare stomach, Gohama pushed chakra into his core. Light blue energy spread from her palm and disappeared into Ryu's skin. The stupid kid was coming back. Now, he just needed a night of good sleep. She sighed in relief. The benefits of the Kyura Kekkei Genkai.

The girl and sensei appeared from behind the wall, the massive dog following them.

"What happened?" Gaku asked.

"He used too much chakra and fainted. He's back now."

"What have I told you, Ryu?! You have to think. Being a shinobi isn't just about cool jutsus and force. So reckless. If it were a mission, you'd be dead."

The kid dropped his head sheepishly. "I'm sorry, Gaku-sensei."

"Training his over. Go get some rest. Nisami make sure he gets home well." He tilted his head as a sign to Gohama "Kyura let's talk."

Gohama's heart jumped a little. Had he realised she had donated chakra? She didn't want her abilities discovered so soon. It was always best to surprise the adversary. Let them underestimate her.

"Yes, Inuzuka?"

He gave her a pointed stare at the casualness, but dismissed it with a shrug.

"How old are you, kid?"

"Sixteen."

"Genin for how long?"

"Since I was seven."

"A long time."

What a stupid observation. "I lost track of my rank when my Village was destroyed." She replied sharply. He didn't take that well.

"I have to be honest. I'm not happy with Tsunade's orders of having you in my team. So, don't you get all smug and leave my team behind, okay kid?"

Gohama scowled. "And why would I do that?"

"You Kyura are the Uchiha of Snow."

"If you knew anything, you'd compare us to the Hyuga."

"I'm not talking about blood and history. Think about it. Two cocky and selfish clans, killed in one night, with only one survivor. The rotted clans of the Villages."

Without hesitation, Gohama lunged into him. She took a kunai from her holster, so he wouldn't know she could summon weapons without a scroll. He avoided her attempts to stab him. She had no control over her own movements, but her head was clear and cunning. There was one objective and all her being moved towards it. She didn't think about it, she just moved. He held a kunai too. The clash of metal echoed through the clearing. They limited themselves in a taijutsu battle. However, Inuzuka was a Jonin, he was gradually overpowering her. He was stronger and he was faster.

His chakra showed he had intrinsically earth nature, but also manipulated the water and fire ones. Gohama would have to read his hand seals in order to defend herself from his attacks. Ninjutsu seemed the safest approach. She formed the seals. Lighting spread from the soil, electrifying the air. With no wind release, he had no way to evade her attack. He tried escaping its range, but wasn't fast enough. He fell to the ground, holding his chest. Gohama saw his dog fall too and felt a prickle of guilt.

Before she could reach him to attack again, Gaku pulled himself into all fours. His dog transformed into a clone of himself. Gohama had never seen anything like this. He had managed to surprise her. She inwardly cursed and warily waited for their attack. The both started rolling at a brutal speed towards her. She evaded them, but they followed her too quickly. She managed to make the seals and form a thick wall of rock, slowing them enough to escape, as they broke through it. Again, she used the Lightning attack. They managed to roll away from the danger zone. When they stopped spinning, Gohama could feel their raged stare boring into her. She knew her own face held an even more hateful one, multiplied by the five kage bushin she had just created. She wouldn't lose. She couldn't lose.

Gohama ran ready to attack and finish the fight. They began rolling again, but instead of creating two spinning disks, their attack was so fast they seemed too make thrice the whirlpools, seemingly small hurricanes. She tried dodging them. Her kage bushin were dispelling. She had to use her Kyura chakra manipulation. As she started forming a shield around her, one vortex hit her and she lost her bearings. She was thrown across the field, unable to prune her fall. Another hit and another. Pain shot through her nerves. All her body hurt, she couldn't be sure which parts she could move. She stayed still and focused on her chakra. When they reached to hit her again, she released her chakra in its pure form in an energy explosion. They flew across the clearing. The dog transformed back into its original form. Both lay on the floor, panting and hurting, the same as Gohama. Inuzuka rose with loud grunts. He picked up his yelping ninken.

"Look what you've done, you fucking Kyura! Go back to your fucking dead Village!"

He disappeared with a swirl of leaves. The prickle of guilt grew into a full burn. She couldn't move. She tilted her head and glanced towards the field. The soil was overturned. The first rows of trees encircling the clearing wrecked. She was panting from the pain and from the failure. He had walked away and she couldn't get up. She had lost. She had fucking lost.

It had been between ten minutes to three hours. Gohama couldn't discern how long she had stayed there, lain between the rumble of a devastated training ground, doing nothing but looking at the sky. According to the sun, it was two in the afternoon, but she didn't know at what time she had gotten there, much less how long she had stayed. Did people already know about her fight with Inuzuka? Was it possible Tsunade would revoke her asylum? After two weeks out, most of the shinobi world probably had learned there was a Kyura heiress alive. It was dangerous to travel the nations now. She had become dependent on Konoha.

Gohama finally found the inner will to rise. She probably had a broken rib. The cuts were all superficial. She would not go to the hospital or a clinic. Besides, she had always healed fast. By the Chunin Exam, she would be in acceptable shape. In a swirl of snowflakes, she was at her Inn room. She grabbed her med kit and tried to amend most of the damage.

* * *

The night was still and calm. The moon was low, the crickets chirping loudly at the abandoned compound. He stared at the facade of a rundown house through his one droopy eye. He wouldn't dare see through the sharingan. It was only for showing the future and the house in front of him, the street at his feet and the compound had no future. It was as quiet as death, with no life, no time. He stuffed his hands into his pockets and jumped onto the balcony. His steps had been the same as the ones so many years ago, too many years ago, but now there was no one to call for, no one to drag to the training grounds. He didn't know what had brought him there after so long. His feet driven by an unconscious urge. What had triggered this urge? Probably Naruto leaving with Jiraya with one goal in mind. His absence had reminded him of Sasuke's own absence. Or maybe it had been the arrival of the Kyura girl. Her presence reminding him of the Kyura's own absence. So similar to the Uchiha's.

He peeked through the tarnished window. The room was as he remembered from when it had life. But now a cover of dust and quietness set through the floor and furniture. It was dingy and eerie. The room mocked him in its crystalized state. Simultaneously, identical and different. It shouted to him loss. As much as he tried to block his ears to the shouts, as much as they pierced him and hurt, he always came back there to hear them. As he was doing now. A chakra signature rose him from his sorrow. He quickly jumped away from the balcony.

"What are you doing here?"

"I should ask you the same thing." he replied.

"I asked first."

Gohama remained frozen in front of him, waiting for his response. Maybe he could just disappear, but that would seem suspicious.

"Reading." This was hardly better.

"In the dark, in the Uchiha compound?"

"I enjoy the quiet." he lied.

"Why that balcony?"

"It's surprisingly comfortable."

Gohama examined the house behind him and then spot of his Leaf hitai-ate that covered the sharingan. "Ah." she replied, unconvinced. "Well, I'll leave you to your reading then."

"I answered you, now you answer me."

"I'm taking a stroll."

"In the Uchiha compound?"

"I enjoy the quiet." Kakashi had no witty quip after she caught him with his own line.

She continued lazily walking down the street. He, with no particular reason, at least not one he recognized, fell into step beside her. They kept silent for some time. Gohama seemed absorbed by the buildings they passed. She suddenly stated "Uchiha Sasuke was your student."

"Are you here because of him?"

"Someone compared the Uchiha to the Kyura. Sasuke to me."

"Was that what made beat and be beaten by your team's sensei?" Kakashi asked amused.

"Provisional team." she corrected. "Did he already boast it to the entire world?"

"No, he actually kept silent. I think he was ashamed of losing against a genin."

"I lost."

"Then how are you perfectly fine and he ended up in the hospital?" She subtly winced at that information.

"I was the one that lost." Kakashi couldn't understand why she was so focussed on that fact. He was going to ask her to explain the circumstances of their fight when she asked "How do you know it was me?"

"The chakra burns."

"Mm. Do you think Tsunade will deport me?"

"If she wanted to, ANBU would have already imprisoned you."

"How's his ninken?"

"Recovering, but good. The fight got a little out of control" his tone became lighter "But I can understand. Being compared to Uchiha can be quite the insult. Especially Sasuke."

"The comparison didn't bother me."

"So you think you're similar to Sasuke?"

Gohama scoffed. "Why not? Our circumstances are almost the same."

"Almost?"

"At least, Sasuke had a village to defect from." she said nonchalantly.

A constricting heaviness weighed on his chest. With her comment, he finally understood the dimension of Gohama's loss and loneliness. When he first learnt about her being alive he obviously realised she had to be lonely. Being the last survivor of a Village meant being the only one. But now, as she compared herself to also lonesome Sasuke, he, more than understood, felt her loss. She was missing more than Sasuke, more than Kakashi himself. She had lost her home. Sasuke in all his solitude still had Konoha. Kakashi in all his loss still had his Village. In one night, Gohama had lost her loved ones, her acquainted ones, her clan, her Village, her home. How she held herself with that firmness in those so Kyura eyes was bewildering. There was pain too. How could it not be there? He felt a bitter taste in his mouth. Kakashi wasn't Kakashi without the bitter feel of guilt. He glanced at her from the corner of his eye and wondered what she was thinking as she examined the abandoned Uchiha houses.

"I met your other students the other day. Before Naruto left." Well, that was a surprise.

"Yes. They were at Ichiraku."

"So that's why you disappeared." she observed accusingly.

He brushed the back of his neck. "Hm... no. There was this old lady that had lost her kitty and nee—"

"Excuses... He's the nine tails jinchuriki, isn't he?"

Did she learn about it from gossip or examining him? Kakashi supposed she could be able to recognise a Jinchuriki. The Kyura were also known as the Jubi Clan. Their own jinchuriki had disappeared in the massacre, probably killed along with the ten tailed beast (1). Rumours said that, after the death of the previous Kyura vessel, the Biju had been transferred into a child. A child is easily killed. A child can't control a Biju's power. The Arms were vulnerable without their greatest military asset. He didn't answer her question.

She chuckled. "He asked me what my name was."

"Well, he can be a little distracted."

"Not my last name, my name."

Kakashi understood what she meant. When people looked at her, they only saw a Kyura, a last Kyura. They didn't really care about anything else concerning Gohama besides her clan. Except Naruto. But Naruto was Naruto.

"He's like that."

"Still, an Uzumaki…"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"The Uzumaki were always rivals to the Kyura. Similar powers you see. I'm surprised Konoha and the Arms were such great allies considering you wear their crest."

Kakashi absently looked at the symbol in his uniform's biceps. "Naruto doesn't really care about those things. Besides, he's not very familiar with his clan. It's really just his last name for him."

She pondered for a moment. "So, a last Uchiha and a Jinchuriki, huh? The Hokage must really trust your teaching abilities." she teased. The bitterness burst even more blazing. She couldn't possibly know how those words affected him. It was better if he didn't say anything at all. "Now, you just have the pink-haired girl to teach. Sakura, isn't it?"

"Mm."

"I doubt you'll keep being her sensei, though."

He let out an annoyed scoff. "You're presuming about what doesn't concern you, Kyura."

"Am I? I mean, for the past two weeks you've been either following me or reading your porn on some random roof. The Chunin Exam is coming and you haven't cared about training with your student. I'm not judging though. You're right, it's nothing of my concern." Before Kakashi could even linger on all of Sakura's case, he was taken aback by her next words. "I just brought it up because, in case you're not going to teach her anymore, I was thinking that maybe you could train me. After I'm a chunin."

Her tone was casual, almost indifferent. She had halted, waiting for his answer. He realised now they were at the Uchiha compound entrance. Was he curious about training a Kyura? Yes. Did he want to train Gohama? No. Definitely not. He had given up on teaching after team 7's obvious fiasco. He didn't want to keep being Sakura's sensei, much less start with Gohama. She was like Sasuke. He had fucked it up with him, he would obviously fuck it up with her. He tried to avoid a clearly unavoidable answer.

"You're very confident about the exam." he said in an amused teasing voice.

"Yes." she said matter-of-factly. "I've been thinking—"

He continued trying to switch the theme of their conversation. "Never a good thing."

She rolled her eyes at his mocking. "—about what I'd do after becoming a chunin. I came to the Leaf because Uncle had nothing more he could teach me. He trusts you and you _are_ the Copy-nin; besides, now that I know you were sensei to an Uchiha and a jinchuriki," why did she use past tenses? "I thought you could be a good training partner."

"So you're looking for a _training partner_" he mockingly emphasised "not a sensei."

"Something like that. What do you say?"

Kakashi tried to keep his stance relaxed. He felt his hands getting damp inside his pockets. He was trapped. He didn't know how to get out of this situation. Honesty was out of question, he would never admit he was a failure as a sensei and he would fail with Gohama too. Besides, he didn't think her being stuck with him would do any good for her already damaged person. He also didn't want to hurt her with a blunt no. Why he cared about her feelings was out of his mind at the moment.

"You need a team, Gohama."

"Two people make a team."

"With people your own age."

"That's a petty excuse… If you don't want to train me you can just say it."

"It's not an excuse. I'm serious. When they work, teams are great. Our team wouldn't work."

"Now you're the one presuming, Hatake."

"I'm not presuming." he said harshly "Look at Sasuke."

"Just because he left to become stronger doesn't been it didn't work."

"No, it doesn't. But his self-destructive obsession with revenge does."

"No team would have been able to stop that."

"Are you speaking from personal experience?" he asked bitterly.

"So this is what it's about. You're afraid I'll ditch you like he did. You're too scared of tainting your perfect genius of Konoha reputation with another failure." she spat with disdain.

"You think you're so smart. What do you know, kid? You got here less than two weeks ago. You know nothing."

"I'm right about Sakura. Now that you lost the two prodigies, you don't care about the weak girl with girly pink hair. Maybe you never did care."

"Don't you dare talk about my team," he hissed "Kyura."

"Is it really yours? Is it really a team?"

He crossed the space between them in a flash and held the collar of her cloak with a harsh clasp. She didn't waver. Her eyes as defying as her words. She was almost asking him to hit her, to lose his grip. With his typical self-control, he released her cloak and stepped back.

"A shame Inuzuka couldn't beat that conceit out of you." he said with no emotion behind it "I won't train you, Kyura."

A cloud of smoke replaced his figure.

Gohama stared at the dissipating smoke. Everyone hated her. Maybe they were right. Maybe the Kyura were a cocky and selfish clan. She had been a child when the massacre happened, she hadn't had the ability to understand the Kyura's faults. For her, they were her family and her home. In fact, as a Kyura herself, she seemed to be an insufferable person. After less than two weeks, Gohama had already pissed off three people. Maybe that side of her came from her clan's blood.

When she arrived at Konoha, she expected pity. All she got was disdain and hatefulness. Honestly, she found it better. Pity had always made her feel weak and pathetic. No one pitied great people. Being hated meant there was a reason to be hated. Kakashi had made it seem that being compared to an Uchiha was an insult. Gohama knew little about the extinct clan relations with Konoha, but they were still one of the most powerful clans in all shinobi world. Their bloodline limit was the Sharingan. That alone put them almost on a godlike level. The Kyura could only ascend to that level because of Seiryu, the ten-tailed beast. She grew up with stories about the Jinchuriki and Seiryu's power. Her own grandfather had been a Jinchuriki. He had been fundamental in assuring the Buki's safety during the shinobi wars. No one dared mess with her Village when the great Blue Beast was alive. Her heart ached knowing the massacre would never have been possible if her grandfather had been the Jinchuriki. All her will was powered by that understanding.

She let herself stand by the entry of the Uchiha compound. Would her own Village look the same? A ghost town, frozen in time. The echoes of a lost life whispered by the still set tables, the still messy homes, the still personal furniture. Gohama had never managed to go back since the day she left running through the mountains, as Father had ordered. Her heart wished she had disobeyed. Her mind knew the reason behind the Yukikage's command. At the time, she hadn't realised the meaning of leaving behind her Village. At the time, she hadn't known it had been the last breath of the Arms. Maybe if she had known she wouldn't have ran. But she hadn't and now she accepted her burden dutifully. The Yukikage's rule was still alive through her. It wouldn't perish until she perished too. Bukigakure lived on through Gohama.

With heavy steps, she went back to the Inn. Gohama was beaten up, body and soul.

* * *

(1) I decided to make the Kyura jinchuriki the ten-tails because I didn't want to replace canon jinchuriki characters. So, during the Fourth Ninja War, the ultimate beast, in this story, will have eleven tails.


	4. I - Chapter 3

Part I | Chapter 3

* * *

That year, nine teams from Konoha would participate in the Chunin Exam. They were all standing at the gate, ready to part. The genin taking the Exam for the first time were excited to prove themselves. They loudly exclaimed all the great feats and beatings they would indulge in. From the chakra Gohama sensed in them, she doubted those expectations would ever come through. There was also a nervous tension hovering the group. Not only from the participants, but the Jonin too. After the disaster of Orochimaru's infiltration, the Leaf had taken extra precaution, especially considering the Sand's involvement. Even Tsunade was accompanying them. Gohama supposed it served as a diplomatic measure.

Surprisingly, the team she would participate with was still the same one. Although by now everyone knew of Inuzuka and Gohama's fight (they were adherents of showing how much they despised her through their looks), no one spoke of it. Even Tsunade hadn't had the need to chastise their behaviour. There had been no repercussions to her raging and disobedient break out. What was not surprising was how her team kept glancing at her with hatred, but never dared approach her. The first thing Gohama noticed as she saw them was that Inuzuka's ninken seemed well. Relief lifted some of the heaviness in her guts.

"Why did I ever hope he'd be on time?" Tsunade sighed "Let's move, Shizune. He'll just have to meet us there."

And so the shinobi began their five day journey.

As unbearable as it had seemed it would be, the trip was being pleasant. She had always enjoyed the freedom of running through tree branches or the forest ground. Her Kyura chakra manipulation allowed her to run fast and effortlessly, even on difficult terrain. She had lived in Snow, where the soil was covered in snow half the year. It asked for almost as much chakra as when walking above water, especially when one intended to hide one's tracks. She flowed through the branches, the cool air of dawn pushing through her face and hair. She chose to settle on the front line of the group. This way the loathing stares would only hit her back. Gohama found herself thinking of Iruka. He had been the only person who was nice to her. Except Kakashi, in his own stalking aloof way, but she had managed to fuck that up too. She wondered how Uncle Tsukate would feel knowing she had managed to piss off his friend in only a week. Her only frail liaison to Konoha cut in her defensive rage. She was technically a Leaf kunoichi, meaning no liaison was actually needed, but, considering how every single person in that Village either hated or was wary of her, she was no more than a hired mercenary. Too-good-for-a-shinobi-Iruka probably loathed her too now.

Gohama really was a brat, as Mishimoto-san had said. Whenever things didn't go her way, she went into a defensive attack. Nothing like shoving others flaws and liabilities to make them come around… She blamed her poor social skills on the monks. She considered herself a collected and rational girl. Only when she felt her pride threatened did her impulsiveness resurfaced. She had seen it in Kakashi's expression, he was going to say no. And the rejection stabbed more deeply that she cared to admit. Gohama had dug for reasons independent of her, but, in the end, she knew Kakashi probably just didn't think she was worth his time. So, she had accused him of being vain. But it wasn't enough, she scooped farther, she attacked his broken team, calling onto his own feelings of failure. Despicable. Poor guy, he had been welcoming, trying to help Tsukate's niece, only to be insulted when he was asked to do too much.

The group stopped for rest and lunch. Gohama sat on a branch, back against the trunk, and ate. She wasn't tired nor hungry, but there was no reason to save the rations for later. Besides, eating gave her something to do. When she finished, she let the murmur of animated talk from below lull her into a numb observation of the trees' texture in front of her. She let her eyes close and tilted her head against the trunk, her leg dangling. Soon after, a chakra signature jumped next to her.

"Hokage-sama wishes to speak to you."

Gohama sighed. The chastising would come now.

Tsunade was sitting on a portable stool.

"Tsunade-sama."

"You can sit." she said pointing to a stool beside her. "So. You have gotten into a slight altercation with your team's sensei, which resulted in a wrecked training ground."

"I can pay for the repair."

"That's not the problem." she cut in harshly "The problem is I accepted your asylum request because I thought you wouldn't go around attacking Leaf shinobi. Especially superiors. Your insubordination could result in your exile, considering you've only been two weeks with us."

"Will you exile me, Hokage-sama?"

"Not yet. Inuzuka told me you were the one to attack him. Is it true?"

"Yes."

"Why did you, then?"

"I lost control of my temper."

"That much is obvious, Kyura."

"It won't happen again."

"You better hope not. Next time I won't be so tolerant."

Gohama rose to leave and Tsunade added.

"I know Inuzuka Gaku can be difficult, but he is your provisional sensei, so try not to get into any more fights. With anyone else too."

Gohama bowed and left for her branch. The gossiping whispers rising from below.

* * *

After a tedious and overheating stroll through the desert of the Land of Wind, the walls of Suna were finally visible. The monochromatic city, painted in a dull and dusty brown, did little to excite the exhausted Leaf shinobi. Everyone was too tired to think of anything other than a cold shower and lying down.

The journey had been unbearable. The hostility never subsided. Gohama had spent most of it at the front line, separated from the rest. She didn't really care if they hated her or not, the annoying part was they didn't leave her in peace. Especially during resting or meal stops. They felt the need to throw her mocking and spiteful comments. But, at least, only the disrespecting and confronting younger ones dared insult her Village and Clan. At least in these cases, most Jonin had the tact to reprimand their students, but that didn't stop their insolence. Once, a green-haired boy joked about the Yukikage's weakness and failure because he had let himself be killed. Gohama responded with a simple "He did have a lot in common with the Sandaime". The kid shut up. After that, no one ridiculed the Arms again. The sensei mostly joked about Snow and Gohama's pale skin, now reddened under the Wind's sun.

One of the sensei, that had introduced himself as Sarutobi Asuma, quietly approached her one night. The rest of the group was divided between animated fire camps. Gohama had chosen a lonely branch to look at the sky. It wasn't cold enough to bother her. He sat beside her and looked up as well, his cigarette dangling from his lips. After a silent moment, he had said "I fought beside Kyura during the war. I was just a child then, much like this genin kids. My platoon had both Konoha and Buki shinobi. The lieutenant was this impossible Kyura, Hideki—"

Gohama chuckled. "Oh, yes…" she agreed "Mother's brother."

"Good to know it wasn't just the Leaf shinobi that thought that…" he said amused "Don't get me wrong, he was a genius but his personality… I did become good friends with a Kyura Tsukate."

Her eyes lit up and her heart warmed wistfully. She gave a small smile. "Father's younger brother. Uncle Tsukate. How was he?"

"He was a few years older than me. Friendly, kind and protective. He saved my life a few times. He lost many in the war. We all did. I hope he found peace now."

She realised Asuma thought he was dead. Most people outside the Arms hadn't known about his chosen path. "He's still alive."

Asuma's expression opened in surprise and confusion. The cigarette fell onto his lap. "What?"

"He renounced to his shinobi life and became a monk. I spent my hidden years with him at the monastery."

"So, I mourned for the death of a living friend…" he observed sadly.

"Your mourning was well placed, though. A lot of him died with Buki."

The silence that settled was heavy and gloomy. The sounds of the forest accompanied the mumbling of talk below and the hiss of burning tobacco.

"Don't listen to what people say. Orochimaru's attack is still recent. They are afraid and suspicious of outside people. I think they see in you what could have happened to Konoha. Some are just jealous, though, or trying to fit in, especially the younger ones. Things will calm down eventually." he stood up and put his cigarette out "The Kyura were powerful and honourable. I saw it with my own eyes in the war."

"I hope we still are…"

"It's up to you to show us that, Gohama."

Her reverie was halted by the so awaited lazy fall onto her hotel bed. She easily got a room alone. No one wanted to share one with her. For once, she was extremely pleased with her bad reputation. Finally, she could be left alone. After a shower, she allowed herself to take a much-desired nap.

A soft knock woke her up. She sighed and opened her eyes, trying to remember where she was. Suna. It was already dark outside. Gohama recognised the chakra outside but couldn't pinpoint to whom it belonged.

"Yes?"

"Can I come in?" a shy voice asked.

Gohama rose with an annoyed grunt. She unlocked the door seals and opened it. "Sakura, right?"

"You remember…"

"The hair helps… What do you need?"

"Hm… they told me I have to… share the room… with you…" she was full out blushing, worse than Gohama's sunburn. She still hadn't made eye contact.

"Okay." Gohama said, standing aside to let her enter "The window bed is mine."

She closed the door behind her and locked the seals.

"Oh, the seals… that's why I couldn't use my key."

Sakura walked gingerly towards the bed and sat stiffly at the edge. Her hands in her lap kept straightening the already straightened skirt.

"Give me your key." she did so and Gohama formed a few hand signs "This should work." she informed, giving it back to the nervous girl.

"Thanks… That's impressive… for a genin… I never learnt a seal…" she focused her gaze on her hands.

"Well, my clan is famous for fuinjutsu. Among other things… Why can't you stay with your friends?" Gohama asked flopping back on her bed.

"It's strict two persons for room. I'm sorry…"

"It's not like it's your fault. Besides, you can always just ignore it and meet them after."

"That's against the orders!" she said slightly outraged.

"Who cares? It's not like they'll execute you for it."

"I don't think I'm comfortable disobeying... Especially in another village."

"As you wish. But you'll have to put up with me."

She went for a shower and Gohama just lay on her bed. So Kakashi actually recommended his student. Did he train her? That would explain why she arrived late. The complete group had taken five days, but, with only two people, they could make it in three. He probably decided to train her after their little chat, which meant what Gohama had said affected him. If that hadn't been obvious by his loss of cool. Still, Gohama didn't think Sakura was ready. Her chakra control and flow were remarkable, but without proper training that meant nothing. Kakashi wasn't the right sensei for Sakura's skill set, which meant it was probably for the best he chose to let go of her coaching.

"So, Sakura." Gohama started as the girl left the bathroom.

"Yes, Gohama-san?"

"Just Gohama is fine. Are you training to be a medic-nin?"

"No. Not really… Why?"

"Your chakra is good for that."

"How do you know?"

"I can sense chakra."

"Like the Hyuga?"

"It's different. We do descend from the same ancient bloodline, but their Byakugan allows them to see chakra and pathways. With the Kyura, chakra perception doesn't translate into vision, hearing, and so on… It's a complete different sensorial awareness. Makes sense?"

"Yeah… I never met someone with that ability." She turned her big green eyes to Gohama "Do you really think I could be a good medic-nin?" her tone was hopeful.

"If you're up for textbook study."

"Of course! I'm a bit of a bookworm…"

"Then think about it."

Sakura's expression lit up in wonder and excitement. Her mood had lifted and she seemed less fidgety.

"Are you coming to dinner, Gohama-sa—Gohama?"

"I think I'll pass."

"See you later then."

Gohama nodded.

* * *

The dust was rough in Gohama's lungs and throat. She was used to air cleared by rain and snow, rocky grounds and green fields. Sunagakure was everything Bukigakure was not. It was dry, hot and brown. But she enjoyed wandering the streets. The novelty and foreignness was exciting and fascinating. The people seemed hostile and cold towards outsiders, much so than Konoha's citizens. With the last, Gohama was sure their behaviour was only reserved towards her. At least in Suna, the unsympathetic disposition was unbiased. At least after expressing their disapproval, they left the people alone. She chose the restaurant with mostly local customers.

As she entered it, all faces turned towards her with a scowl and then went back to their meals and conversations. She ordered the house special and tried to enjoy the burningly spicy food. It was new, painful and tasteless - as all her brain could process was the burn - and nothing to ever repeat in her life. She was finishing when the door opened. Gohama already knew who would enter. She muttered a few curses through her sore lips. All she wanted was to be left alone. When the silver hair finally came into view, the uninvited scowls focused on their victim, only this time they didn't turn away.

"You have no business here, White Fang!" a rough and deep voice growled.

"It's his son." a woman corrected, no less annoyed.

"I don't care." another man added "You're not welcome here, Hatake."

Kakashi was unaffected. He just shrugged, turned away and left. Gohama sighed in relief. For once, they didn't care about her. For once, it was someone else. Now, Kakashi understood how bothersome it was when people gave two shits about who he was. The people from Sand had even taken care of her inconvenience. She would finally be left alone. Gohama eased herself against her chair. She could get used to Suna, maybe she should have asked them for asylum.

* * *

All Kakashi wanted was to be left alone. That small typical restaurant seemed the last place where he would find anyone from Leaf. He had just overlooked the part where Suna wasn't a fan of him. Now, his stomach was growling and he had to find another friendlier place to eat, if that was even possible in this Village. He guessed there really was no other option than to join the others. Being with other Konoha shinobi, would probably inspire some leniency. Kakashi knew where the group would be. They had stumbled, many years ago, on this cheap and cosy restaurant and decided to make it their own every time they were in Suna.

There they were, sitting in the corner both. Asuma, Kurenai, Gai, Genma, Inuzuka, Ebisu, and three others he knew, but not their names. The Konoha sensei in Suna. When Kakashi arrived the table started cheering.

"Ah, Hatake, you're here, I've missed you!" Genma yelled as he hugged his awkward friend.

He had clearly drunk too much. It was only dinnertime and it was obvious most of the table had already passed their measure.

"I was starting to think Sakura would ditch on my team. Why did you arrive late? Did you finally decide to teach your student?" Asuma said with serious mocking.

Kakashi felt Kurenai kicking Asuma under the table. Was it that obvious he had been neglecting Sakura? If only people would just shut up about him and continue their conversation…

"Obviously that was just an excuse" Genma said "Our friend Hatake here" he put a limp arm around his shoulder "just wanted to watch the Kyura fight. Don't look at me like that! We're all curious. Except maybe Inuzuka that already saw, well, felt it first-hand."

The table laughed. Kakashi took advantage of the change of topic and ordered his miso soup with eggplant.

"You're still so tight lipped about what happened" one of the unnamed sensei "Tell us, Inuzuka. Was it really a fight?"

The innuendo was obvious. Another round of laughter broke.

"Fuck off, Daisuke!" so that was his name "I'd never fuck a Kyura!"

"Why not?" Genma said bewildered, almost offended "The Kyura I've met were always hot. This one is just the same, besides being the last one makes it even hotter. Honestly, when she was running without her cloak and you could see the fi—"

"Is that all you can think about, Genma?" Kakashi asked.

"Basically."

"It's not enough what we have put her through, now she still has to take your shit, Genma"

"Yes, poor girl… The kids were bad enough, but we didn't help at all…" Kurenai said softly.

"I don't think she cares." Inuzuka commented "I don't care."

Kakashi couldn't understand what they were talking about. Did something happen to Gohama during the journey? Did someone hurt her? His guts twisted involuntarily. Inuzuka's reactions were pissing him off; did he have no consideration for her? He feigned indifference and asked.

"What happened on your way here?"

"Nothing happened." Asuma began "It's just the typical gossip and comments."

Kakashi knew well what Asuma meant. He had also been on the other side of that. After his father's failed mission, everywhere he went he could hear people's murmur and ridicule. The mumble of despise and shame. Even now, his father's fame still followed him. That night had shown him that. He didn't really care about any of it, nor what people thought. But maybe Gohama cared, maybe it hurt her. She was a teenager, after all, they were insecure and sensitive. Well, Gohama had had an abnormal life, so she probably didn't act as a typical teenage girl, but still, everyone was deeply affected by evil-speaking. It made people doubt and isolate themselves. It made them question the truth of the hateful comments. Made people believe they were what they were being chattered into.

"What the kids said is true." Inuzuka shared.

"Is that why you wouldn't reprimand their disrespect?" Asuma accused.

"It isn't disrespect if it's true?"

Asuma's voice raised menacingly. "Is it true that the Yukikage was weak and shameful because he died fighting for his Village?"

Kakashi's breathing failed. He tried pushing the air deeply into his lungs, but it didn't reach them, it wasn't enough. His hands began trembling around his bowl and spoon. Could they sense him freaking out? Why did he have to bring the Yukikage into the discussion?

"Of course."

"And the Sandaime?" his voice shook. The table went silent "They both died protecting their Village. They both gave their lives for their duties, their people."

"It's different. The Sandaime managed to protect the Leaf, the Yukikage failed."

"Orochimaru is still alive. We were lucky the damage wasn't as big. The Arms not so much."

The gravity of the past threat weighed on the table. Gohama reminded them of what they could have lost.

"How can you just accept a foreigner to enter our Village, our military because she just asked?! It's ridiculous… We don't know if her intentions are clean. For all we know, she can be planning and fraternizing with enemy nin."

"You're just pissed off she defeated you. A genin." Genma teased.

"First, I won. Second, she just came at me! She's crazy! I mean, after seeing everyone die you can imagine the insanity. No one survives that sane, just look at Sasu—"

A fist to the table stopped him. His fist. Kakashi hadn't realised his hand was even out of his pockets. Before he could grasp his own movements, the thump of hit wood had already broken through the room. The sensei turned their confused gazes towards him. His heated reaction surprised everyone.

"Don't speak of what you don't understand." he threatened with a steady tone.

"It's true, Hatake. You know it." he did know it was true, but that was no excuse to be vicious, especially with people that had suffered enough. "We were talking, next thing she just lunges at me."

"What did you say to her?"

"What?"

"You have to have said something. Gohama wouldn't risk losing her asylum right before the Chunin Exams. What did you say about the Kyura?" his last question was spoken through a frightening hiss.

"That they were like the Uchiha." He shrugged and tried to hide his apprehension.

"What more than that?"

"The truth. That the Uchiha and Kyura were selfish and arrogant clans only worried about their power and blood pureness. That they were the trash of the Villages. That Gohama should go back to her dead village."

"The amount of Kyura and Uchiha that gave their lives so you could be alive… Is that how you repay them?" he growled at the man in front of him "They are worth more than you'll ever be."

Kakashi left the restaurant, not worrying about the reactions he might have caused. He was sick of people comparing the Kyura to the Uchiha. He was sick of the indifference of people, the hatefulness. No wonder Sasuke had defected. He hoped Gohama wouldn't do anything stupid in anger or pain. He was making his way through the streets, not caring about the judgemental gazes of Suna citizens.

"Kakashi-sensei?" a wary voice called for him. He corrected his features into aloofness.

"Sakura?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"I suppose. Why are you alone? Did something happened?" he asked worried.

"No, no. I just saw you and wanted to ask you something about me… as a kunoichi… I mean… my training and where I should focus… I wanted your opinion… as my sensei…"

"You don't have to be nervous, Sakura-chan." he said, ruffling her pink hair.

"Well… The Kyura have this ability of sensing chakra… Gohama asked me if I was training to be a medic-nin. I obviously said no. Then she commented I had a good chakra for it, that I had the chakra of a medic!" her eyes lit up as she spoke the last sentence "It's only been a few hours… It's not like I have thought much about it… but when Gohama said it, and you said so yourself, Sensei, when we tree climbed, about my chakra control… The more I think about being a medic-nin, the more excited I feel. I'm… I… It makes sense when I think about it… I was always quite lost in Team 7, not knowing what my path as a kunoichi was, but now I can feel it. I now I can be great in this, it asks for both my bookworm side and my chakra control. Then maybe, I could help Naruto bring Sasuke back… So what do you think?"

"You're asking me if I think you should be a medic-nin?" She nodded. "It's not my place to decide that for you. Still my opinion is that yes, I think you'll make a great medic. But why ask me when a Kyura said so herself? They made the best medics in the shinobi world, you know. Whatever you choose, I'm here to support you, Sakura."

Kakashi pushed a little on the enthusiasm and support part. It wasn't typical of his methods as a sensei, or a person in general, but he felt guilty about the whole supposed neglecting thing. Sakura didn't seem to suspect his atypical behaviour. In fact, she seemed happy.

"Thank you, Kakashi-sensei!"

"Are you nervous for tomorrow?"

"A little… but even if I fail, now I know where to go from here."

"You'll do well." he said ruffling her hair again "Night, Sakura."

Before she could answer, he disappeared in a cloud of smoke. Maybe he could spend the rest of the night left alone. He remembered seeing a perfect spot for an _Icha Icha_ reading session on the roof of the hotel. As he opened the door for outside, a wave of chakra reached him. What the hell was someone doing out here? He entered stealthily, his senses keen. Then he saw her laying down on the edge, seemingly floating, except from the thin layer of blue energy that served as support. It reminded him of Gaara's sand, only Gohama manipulated pure chakra. She didn't acknowledge him, but with her abilities she already knew he was there. Kakashi wondered if he should go back to his room. It was obvious he wouldn't manage to be alone that night. For some reason, his feet kept moving towards the Kyura.

"I heard it was a troublesome journey here." he used an understatement, she would get his meaning.

"The desert can be rather boring."

Obviously she wouldn't say anything but that. Why did he even try?

"Sakura told me you suggested she became a medic-nin." she didn't answer "Where you trying to get me rid of her so I could train you?" he teased lightly.

"And I'm the one with the conceit problem…"

"Then why would you?"

"Why wouldn't I? I'm not as bad as they make me."

"It will fade, it's just because it's new."

"Talking about experience, White Fang's son?" Gohama teased him now. Seeing his confused look, she continued "I was at the restaurant you got, thank the gods, kicked out."

"You sound really amused."

"It's nice to see it happening to other people and being left alone. I might get used to Suna. It's so inconvenient to be the centre of gossip." she whined mockingly.

"Good to know at least someone is enjoying my misery."

"I doubt I'm the only one, Copy-nin" she stood up and her chakra layer dissipated. "I'll leave you to read your porn alone."

He raised his lazy fingers as goodbye.

* * *

They were to meet the rest of the participants by the Village's gates. The sun was more unforgiving than yesterday. The already sore skin of Gohama was burning; she could feel the heat stealing her energy. Why Suna…?

A shinobi with harsh features and a white turban covering half his face would be the Examiner's leader. He spoke "The first part of the Exam will test your abilities to complete missions in places surrounded by civilians. Each team will be given a mission scroll that you must complete in the span of 24 hours. If you are unsuccessful, you will not proceed to the next phase. If you endanger a civilian, you will also not proceed to the next phase. You'll wear a florescent bandana in order to distinguish you from non-participating shinobi. Now. Spread to your given posts of entrance."

Gohama tied the bandana to her left thigh. She, Ryu, Nisami and Inuzuka met at gate 13.

"Ryu, keep your head cool. Think before you act." Inuzuka advised sternly "Nisami, avoid fighting big guys and don't be afraid to attack first." he turned towards Gohama pulling her by the collar with the meaning of intimidating her "And you. Don't you dare fucking step on my team." he growled "I'll end you if you do, Kyura."

He let go of her collar, moved away and nodded to both of his teammates, leaving in a cloud of smoke.

A horn sounded. It had begun. They had until 06:00 to complete the mission. The team read their scroll. They were to intercept a scroll exchange between two teams. One from Grass the other from Mist. The exchange hour was around 21:00. The location undisclosed. Abstract traits of the ninja added to the little information they had. The purpose was for them to gather information and then act on it. Simple enough. Gohama could already envision how she would subdue the shinobi and steal the scroll.

"So, what's our plan?" Gohama asked.

"We don't need a plan." Ryu spat out. "We just have to go around searching for Grass and Mist teams."

"Do you know how many teams are there?"

"Two Grass, six Mist." Nisami said.

"Can we really search for eight teams in Suna in twenty-four hours?"

"Of course we can." Gohama ignored his unreasonable and stubborn comment.

"Nisami, what do you remember about the teams? Any fitting the descriptions come to your mind?"

"Well, the scroll says one has a Kekkei Genkai that allows him to make the moister in the air boil and burn the adversary. He can also use it to boil the water…" she hesitated" …inside someone's body…"

"That sure is troublesome." Gohama commented nonchalantly, but already wondering how to counter act the jutsu.

"He wears bandages on his whole body except his eyes."

"That should be easy enough to find."

"From the Grass, I don't know anything since they don't have outstanding abilities."

"This is enough." Gohama reassured coolly. "The mission alone is simple and we do have to interact with other teams. This means each team's missions are interlocked, which complicates things. We have no idea which team has orders to interfere with us, and how they might interfere. We must be on high alert. On the good side, this also means we can gain information about the exchange location from teams by interrogating other participants. We have to be smart with this. We must know when to engage" she stared at Ryu "and when to flee. Now. We must be fairly distant from the other teams. We should head for the centre of the Village, as it will be faster to leave for the exchange from a central point."

"What makes you think you can lead us?" Ryu confronted.

"I'm not leading. I'm presenting a plan. If you have anything better to add, go ahead, kid."

"I'm not a kid."

"You act like one."

Ryu was ready to attack, but Nisami stood between the two, stopping his initiative.

"Gohama-san is right. You are acting like a kid, Ryu-kun. If you want to go through the next phase our best option is following Gohama-san's plan." Gohama was pleased Nisami was a reasonable girl.

They ran into the dusty brown Village. Gohama's heart began beating faster, excitedly. Her blood flowed with impetuous and expectation. Her chakra tingled at her stomach, ready to burst in case it was needed. The anticipation for a fight was making her electrified. She clenched the scroll on her hand. This was what she had been made for, what she had been raised for, trained for, left alive for. The purpose of completing a mission, of laying out all her skills into success. The adrenaline of danger and power. The overflow of her senses with every bit of information. The soft grains of sand at her feet, the distinct murmur of conversations, the smell of tempura from the street below, the taste of the dry air on her mouth and lungs, the tingling of two jonin chakra signatures following them. She was a predator. Every inch of her body moulded into a perfect weapon. This was what she had been made for.

"We have two Jonin following us." she informed the rest of the team.

"Why?" Ryu asked.

"I think they are to make sure the civilians stay safe. They must be accompanying every team."

The team didn't bother to hide their presence. They had to find others and interrogate them. If they were lucky they could come across the Grass team that were to receive the scroll. Then they could follow them or take the location out of them. The luckiest scenario was coming across the Mist team with the scroll. Gohama doubted the Examiners had allowed such two occurrences. They had made a small representation of inter-village's missions. A well thought-out exam.

A kunai flew towards her temple. She caught it between her fingers. The team assumed a fighting position.

"You can come out of your hiding, now. It won't protect you."

A wave of kunai and shuriken aimed for them. Gohama used a wind jutsu to stop their flight. It was followed by an earth jutsu, making a soft layer of rock between the buildings, where the thrown weapons fell, instead of on the street with people. Next, she formed a lightning circuit, meant to draw them out of their hideouts. Two Sand shinobi and one kunoichi appeared.

"We finally meet the Kyura everyone's been talking about." the brown-haired shinobi said "What a disappointment you are."

"I can understand. Losing always disappoints me too." Gohama replied.

He scoffed. "Let's see about that." he said as he jumped towards Gohama.

She easily evaded his punch, counterattacking with a kick against his stomach. Before he could raise himself from his knees, Gohama gripped his hair and pressed a kunai against his neck.

"Your mission scroll." Gohama ordered.

"You won't do it." The shinobi in her grip said.

"Care to test that?"

She started adding pressure onto his throat, he hissed as his skin was cut and a line of blood slid through his neck.

"Fuko-kun, it's better if we just give her the scroll. You saw how she overpowered you… we can't possib—"

"Coward!" he yelled against the girl.

The other teammate casually observed the scene. He sighed and reached for his pouch, throwing the scroll towards Ryu.

"It's not worth the trouble." he explained between his teammate insults.

"What does it say?" Gohama asked.

"They have to capture a nin from Rock and interrogate him on his mission."

"This means we three can be targets…" Nisami commented.

"Yes. One more reason to have our defences up." Gohama let go of the sand nin "They're useless. Let's continue."

* * *

The sun was burning on their heads and backs. They had been scouting the Village for hours, but no useful information had turned up. They interrogated the teams they had come across, but none had seen a shinobi from Mist covered in bandages or any Grass teams. Gohama leaped onto the ground level and the rest followed. It was best they stopped to freshen up. The Kyura would never show how the desert heat was affecting her. She had her go-to outfit: black loose ninja pants, a black t-shirt that left a strip of her midsection bare and her sage green Kyura cloak that reached her ankles. Against her own pride, she had to forgo the cloak, tidily keeping it in the team's pack. Ryu had argued against it, considering all of them were carrying it, but Nisami convinced him to relent. Still, the dark clothes absorbed the heat of the sun, burning against Gohama's skin. She could feel the clothes clamming. Even her own hair helped with the overheating, especially on her head. Her movements were becoming dragged and extenuated. The hotness of the sun and air boiling under her skin, pushing her down, constricting her reflexes, dizzying her balance. Mixing with the intense smell of sunscreen, the heat was making her sick. Everything was sucking the energy out of her. How she longed for the cool streams of Snow, or even a tree's shade from Fire. She didn't care where she was if it meant leaving Suna's inferno. She had to get out of her black clothes.

While Ryu and Nisami rested at the nearby food stand, Gohama went shopping. She wasn't picky. At all. If it was light and fresh, it was more than good enough. She bought beige loose linen pants and a white tank top. If she needed to be stealthy at night, she would put her clothes back on. After finishing paying, she heard a loud crash coming from the direction of the food stand. She rushed there only to see one shinobi manhandling Nisami and two others fighting Ryu off. How had she missed their chakra signatures? Fucking heat, fucking Sand. One sent an attack towards Ryu, which he deflected. The rock shards were sent towards civilians. Gohama had to protect them or she was out of the Exam. There was no time for hand signs, she had to give away her chakra manipulation. A shield of chakra appeared right before the shards could hit the innocent bystanders. A cloud of dust engulfed the street. Gohama sensed the three Rock shinobi chakras fleeing with Nisami's one. First she went to Ryu.

"What the hell happened?"

"What do you think happened?" he growled back, coughing due to the dispersing dust.

"Fair enough. Let's go!" Gohama jumped onto the roofs, but he didn't follow. "Ryu?"

"We have a mission to complete."

"We still have another five hours until the exchange."

"We don't even know where it is!"

"She's your teammate."

"It's our mission!"

"We don't know what they're going to do with her. What if they kill her?"

"We can't waste any time. We spent all day and didn't find shit. Five hours is nothing. We'll fail. Rule #04 "A shinobi must always put the mission first."

Gohama was bewildered by the indifference of Ryu. Nisami was his teammate, his friend. How could he leave behind a person he cared about? How could he fail that person so?

"Fuck the rules." Gohama hissed "I won't leave any one else behind! You can follow me or wait here. We'll come back for you later."

She started running. The chakra signatures disappeared. Closing her eyes and ears, she tried enhancing her sensorial field. She sensed a flicker of a possible correspondent one. She followed it. Spreading chakra to her feet, Gohama could feel the terracotta rooftops denting as she stepped on them. Seeing her approaching them, the three kidnappers disappeared in a cloud of smoke. Fuck. Why hadn't she made a contract with her clan's summons again?

The Kazekage Tower was just ahead of her, the centre of the Village. She sat on top of it, not caring if it was forbidden. Her eyes closed, her ears and nose blocked with chakra. All her awareness shifting onto her chakra sense. The overload of information made her head ache and dizzy. She pushed through the heat smothering her and the dizziness confounding her. The massive chakra of the Kazekage and the one-tailed beast threatened to overpower her sensibility to other signatures. Maybe the Kazekage Tower wasn't the best option. She pushed through.

The Jonin following her, the civilian children running on the street bellow, the patrons at the restaurant, the drunk stumbling through the street, the lovers on the alley, the genin on the exams, the Jonin following them, the Sand shinobi off duty, the families wandering, the friends hanging out, the Village chakra. A home. Gohama pushed through her longing ache. The Rock nin and Nisami on the inner portion of the sixth octant. Not moving. This would make it easier to find them.

Gohama almost fainted when she broke the sensorial overload. That had been a new skill brought by necessity. It was good to know she could extent her sensing field to a few kilometres with the sacrifice of a clear mind and a third of her chakra supplies. She pushed through the vertigo. It was part of a shinobi life to push through. Gohama was already experienced in that, unlike most genin on the Exams. It was a cursed advantage.

Lighting release chakra filled the air near their location. They weren't fighting, their signatures were stilled. Only one option came to mind. Interrogation. She didn't bother to form a plan and be prudent, the poor girl was being tortured. How cruel of the Examiners to allow it, realistic, but cruel. As she reached the roof above them, the screams pierced her already fragile mind.

_The air smelled of blood. The girl kept running as fast as her little legs could carry her. The chakra impulse wasn't enough. Fear clenching her body and shaking her movements. Screams would follow her anywhere. How could it take so long to reach her exit? It didn't take as long when she raced Father. Father… The dirt stained tears never stopped flowing. The scream. A young girl's scream. It was terrifying. Gohama's eyes widened and her heart leapt away from her ribs. She had to get away. Oh gods… The scream vibrated through her guts, it dripped in horror, drowning Gohama away. She had to leave. She had to keep running. _

Gohama froze, her back falling against the hedge of a rooftop. The scream. It sounded the same, it felt the same. Her muscles twitched but wouldn't move. This time her duty was to act, not run away. Why wouldn't her body obey her mind? Weak… She closed her eyes and ruled her breathing, her pulse. She sent chakra onto her legs, waking them from their stupor. Now of all times, she had to remember that night… She had never had a trigger during action. She had to push through. Just push through. She could do that. Yes. Push through. This time she wouldn't leave her behind, she wouldn't fail the screaming girl. A new resolve drove her into acting.

Gohama hid her signature and jumped onto the shinobi torturing Nisami, landing a chakra powered punch onto his face. He flew towards the building across from the deserted small square. The screams turned into sobs and whimpers. Shielding Nisami against the wall, Gohama waited for the other two to attack. The first had been successfully knocked out.

"So the Kyura comes to the rescue. Who would have known?" the blond one snickered.

"It would be nice to chat, but I prefer to fight."

"I doubt you'll think the same after we beat you."

"I don't know. I can be very stubborn."

The other nin lunged towards her. They exchanged hits. His taijutsu was reasonable, but not as good as Gohama's. Not when she had spent seven years doing nothing but training. She overpowered him quickly. He chose to try ninjutsu. A wave of mud flowed towards Nisami and her. She grabbed the girl and jumped away to avoid it. The mud followed her. Making the hand seals, she blew a ball of fire that petrified the mud. Now was her time to attack. She ran towards the nin, a tanto in hand. He pulled out a kunai. The clash of metal echoed through the square. She found an opening in his defence; when she was about to strike, she realised the blond one was almost reaching Nisami. Gohama stopped her attack and turned around. She rose her hand towards the Rock nin, throwing a pure chakra spear. He used an earth wall to stop it. Gohama was already between him and Nisami when he dispersed the wall.

The Kyura's blood was running frantically through her veins. She could end the fight quickly, but it felt amazing to battle someone other than Uncle. To decipher the enemies' moves and abilities. To use them against them. Her insides swelled in exhilaration. She smirked and he smirked back.

"Come on, Rocky. Fight me."

"My pleasure."

He whistled. His teammate joined him. Together they started a taijutsu fight against Gohama. She could handle both of them.

"Is this all you got? It's no fun…" she pouted.

The blond scoffed and moved away. He did foreign hand signs to Gohama. From the ground under her, rose sharp pillars. One scrapped her side before she was able to evade them. She felt like laughing in excitement. A lightning circuit would also affect Nisami. She went for wind shuriken. They cut through their barrier. Before they could react, Gohama locked them on mud ground. She stood behind them, pressing kunai to their throats.

"It was entertaining, but I have a mission to complete. Now, have you seen any Grass teams?"

The blond one scoffed. "We won't give you nothing."

"Your friend is not the only one with Lightning release." she dropped the kunai pressed onto the other nin. Her hand moved to the back of his neck. "Again. Any Grass teams?" They remained silent. Gohama let a weak amount of electricity flow onto the shinobi's back. He tried to control his grunts, but fell onto his knees. "Still, nothing, huh? What about a Mist nin covered in bandages?"

They remained silent. Gohama forced more power into her lightning release. The shinobi started screaming and trembling under her hand.

"Gohama-san, stop!" Nisami yelled.

"They did the same to you, girl."

"I know how it feels… It's too cruel! Stop, please!"

"Strength isn't just about force. A shinobi must do everything to complete their mission. We need the information." Gohama replied coolly, another round of electricity flowing through her hand.

The screams echoed through the walls. The blond nin began wincing for his teammate.

"All right…" the blond started. Gohama stopped the current. "The bandaged guy... We saw him in the third octant, on a pub with his team."

"How long ago?"

"Before we took the girl."

Gohama knocked the two out and dragged them onto one of the pillars. She used wire to tie the three up, after that, she took their weapons away. Beside Nisami she asked "Can you run?"

The girl tried standing up, but her knees buckled and she fell. Gohama hoisted her onto her back.

"Where's Ryu?" she asked.

"Waiting for us."

"Thank you for saving me."

The enthusiasm from the fight had vanished, leaving place for a bitter and quiet heaviness.

* * *

After the information of the Rock nin, it took them less than two hours to find their targets. Besides the one with the boiling Kekkei Genkai, there was a kunoichi with water affinity and a shinobi with the wind one. They had stayed for two hours in surveillance. Only ten minutes until the exchange. Gohama could sense the Grass team approaching. Two earth affinity, one water. There were six jonin following the three teams.

The children's park was quiet and deserted at this time of night. Tension was building up. Nisami was still too weak to fight. Honestly, Gohama wished Ryu would also stay out of it. He would just be a liability. She wondered which Mist shinobi had the scroll, probably the Kekkei Genkai one. Nobody would dare near his touch. But Gohama could do it if she covered her body in a thin layer of chakra. Six ninja. How would she be able to fight them all? The wise approach was to let the exchange happen and follow the Grass team, then steal the scroll from them. Hopefully, far away from the Mist one.

Ryu was nervous. His fingers entertained themselves with clicking open and shut his kunai pouch. His breathing was shallow and fast. Even his chakra had an agitated flow. Gohama turned to study his features. They were rigid and his mouth's corner twitched from time to time. If he couldn't calm down, the kid wouldn't help the mission at all. Poor kid. He really seemed lost in real action. Too eager to prove himself, too eager to support his ego.

"Ryu," he jolted at her calling "you have to relax. You can stay with Nisami and protect her."

"No. I want to fight."

She sighed. "Remember, we're following Grass, not acting on the exchange."

It was 21:00. The Mist team reached the football field. Dramatically, they stood on the middle circle. Soon, the Grass team appeared. Gohama couldn't make out their words. One of each team took a few steps forward and the scroll passed from one hand to another. Chakra spiked beside her. Before she could do anything, Ryu was already running towards the enemy nin.

Fucking Ryu.

With no choice, Gohama followed suit, making four tsuchi bushin on her way. She didn't manage to reach the kid before he was fighting one of the Mist nin. He was quickly overpowered. Really who the hell thought he was ready to be a chunin? Only that Inuzuka. Ryu had now a kunai pressed to his throat. A hand gripping his hair. He was turned towards Gohama. How was she going to work this out?

"Look if it isn't the oh so special, oh so unique, oh so alone last Kyura?" the bandaged shinobi mocked with a leer "What a pleasure."

"Pity I can't say the same thing. I'll take the scroll now." she reached out her hand.

Gohama was still too far away from Ryu to prevent his throat from being split. One of the tsuchi bushin under the ground was approaching, but it was still very risky with so many earth shinobi. She had to keep the ninja distracted.

They laughed at her words. "You can try. But one move and your little friend gets a kunai to his throat."

Gohama smirked. "He's deadweight. He means nothing to me."

"You traitor!" Ryu yelled outraged, panic slipping through his voice "You fucking Kyura! You deserve to be dead with the rest of your kind!"

"The one dying tonight is you, little kid."

She adverted her eyes from her squirming teammate. It had to be timed perfectly. She materialised behind the Grass shinobi with the scroll and stabbed him with her tanto. At the same time, her bushin had emerged from underground, kicking the Mist shinobi away and throwing Ryu out of the fighting area. Before they realised which was the priority, Gohama had already the scroll in her hands and moved away from the centre of the field.

The bandaged shinobi started laughing. "That was smart, Kyura. Too bad the scroll is still with me." he took it from his back pouch.

Gohama opened the one in her hand and it disappeared with a puff. Fucking Mist guy. He continued talking "And too bad you have a soft spot." he looked towards his teammates "Go for the kid."

Her other three tsuchi bushin stayed with Ryu, while she went for the real scroll. She couldn't allow the exchange to happen. First, she would get rid of the Grass nin. Without them, there could be no exchange. They started a taijutsu fight. It was more difficult than she had expected, especially when she had to keep track of all chakra signatures there. The bandaged nin observed her battle, probably learning her weaknesses. One of her bushin dispersed.

"Get the fuck out of here, Ryu!" she yelled to her teammate. He obviously ignored her.

Gohama decided she would risk using chakra powered hits. She still had half her chakra reserves. The tsuchi bushin, in order to have a reasonable fighting quality, needed more chakra than she was used to, but there was no need to save it anyway. Gohama had never ran out of chakra. One of the Grass nin was finally unconscious. Two to go. She made another tsuchi bushin to help Ryu; she could sense his chakra faltering after using his water jutsu in the desert. At least, he had managed to take down one of the Mist nin with it. One more of her Grass nin was out of the game. The chakra signature of the bandaged nin moved towards her. He was losing confidence.

"Nice of you to join us." Gohama politely said.

"I have to defeat a Kyura at least once and since you're the last one…"

A thin shield of chakra covered her body. She moved away from him. Considering he could boil her body's water, it was sensible to have an at least mid-range fight. Gohama began with wind release, creating a sharp vortex meant to slice and toss away. The opponent created a water wall that took most of the damaged but not all. He was thrown across the field, managing to balance himself and not falling. He had some cuts on his arms and stomach.

His chakra spiked. The next attack would use a lot of chakra. Gohama tried to reach him before he finished the hand seals, but was too late. Her chakra field was faltering. He was boiling the air. Gohama glanced over Ryu, with chakra she ordered her bushin to surround the kid and if they could, form a shield. The other Mist nin started screaming. The bandaged one was mental. He was wounding his own team. Her two bunshin were going to disperse, but not before they used a wind wave to push the boiled air up. With two puffs, she felt their burning on her own skin.

Ryu scream from pain, she tried to reach for him, but the bandaged nin had grasped her arm. His grip tightened. His light blue eyes, filled with rage and determination, locked on Gohama's green ones. Suddenly, a sharp agony overtook her forearm. He had passed through her field. The scorching spreading from her bones onto her skin overwhelmed her, from inside out. She shrieked against her will. She frantically tried to wiggle herself from his hold. No rational thinking had place in her mind, it was drowning in only pain and the need to run. Instinctively, she pushed chakra from her skin onto his hand. He retrieved it hastily. The relief was short lived. The burning didn't seize. Gohama could smell the nauseating stench of burnt flesh. Intuitively, she looked towards her left arm. The skin had melted, she could see the boiled muscle and bone. She felt herself ready to throw up. The arm was gone, Gohama was sure, it was already dead. Falling to her knees, a hand came to grip her hair, another pressed a kunai to her neck.

"The prestige of ending the Kyura clan forever."

He sliced her throat. Blood spurt onto his hand and fell down her white shirt and milky skin. Ryu froze across the field. The only move he made was to throw up and fall onto his knees and hands, shivering. The kid wasn't ready for the shinobi life.

Gohama smirked. Her hair became slimy on the Mist nin's hand. Her body limp. The white and red from her figure gave place to dark brown. Her body melted onto the soil in a pool of mud.

A blade came to rest on the nin's throat. "The scroll." Gohama ordered from behind him.

He tried to form hand signs, but she surrounded his hand with a chakra field. The blue energy constricting, breaking them. The shinobi yelled. Gohama pushed him onto his knees and took the scroll from his pouch. This time making sure it was the real one. She knocked him out. Next she went for the last Grass nin, after a slacked fight, she knocked her out too. Joining all six of them onto the posts of the swings, she imprisoned them with chakra-powered wire.

"Come, kid." she coldly said as she reached Ryu.

He silently followed her, his legs still trembling. They went for Nisami that hadn't left her spot since the beginning of the fight.

Gohama examined her slightly burnt skin. It had been so close. She could have lost her arm. It still stung immensely, but after feeling what her bushin had suffered, she was grateful for her timely escape.

She decided to search for a pharmacy, so she could alleviate the pain with an ointment. On their way there, she sensed a familiar chakra signature. Glancing at it, she saw a kunai flying right towards Sakura's forehead while she was distracted in a fight. Summoning her own blade, she threw it towards its flight. Metal clanged against metal. Both Sakura and her opponent snapped their gaze to Gohama. She nodded in greeting.

Resting on a roof, they expectantly opened the Scroll, revealing the information they had to memorize.

_Tomorrow is the day after today._

"Well. That's anticlimactic."

The three waited for the Exam to end.

* * *

Her team had passed through to the next phase. They had met Gaku at the infirmary. Ryu was still slightly distraught, but glad he had passed. Inuzuka blamed Gohama for Nisami's kidnapping. Neither Ryu nor the girl had disclosed her implication in getting the girl back and their teammate's refusal to do so. Honestly, Gohama didn't care, as long as he left her alone. Nisami hadn't recovered from the torture. Gohama could understand, it would take time and patience. However, that would pose a liability if teamwork were needed for the next phases. Gohama hoped not. She was sick of dealing with rash kids that weren't prepared for the trials of a shinobi life.

After getting her forearm healed by Tsunade, Gohama could finally rest. She had never thought the heat of Suna would affect her so much. At least, now she could be better prepared. She stopped by the door. There was another chakra signature in her room. A Jonin. Sakura was also there, which meant she probably knew him or her and had opened the door. Still Gohama couldn't shake off her uneasiness.

She hid her chakra signature, unlocked the seals and opened the door silently. Sakura was laying on the floor. The nin hovering over her. Fuck. She couldn't take out a jonin in a fight. He still hadn't noticed her. Bringing chakra to her fist, she hit him on his nape. He fell with a thud on the floor. Next, she examined Sakura. The girl was breathing normally, her pulse and temperature also normal. Probably passed out on sedatives.

The nin that had attacked the pink haired girl was Suna. There was nothing in him to explain what had or was happening. He carried only kunai, shurinken, senbon and typical battle scrolls. Gohama's pulse sped up. Where they after her? Uncle Tsukate had warned her about the risk of kidnapping. As heiress of the Kyura, Gohama supposedly carried the almost lost secrets of her clan. What could she do? Reinforcements would certainly come. For now, tying the guy up was the only thing that came to her mind.

She sat on the edge of the bed, tanto in hand, trying to ease her body and think with a rational mind. People she trusted. No one. That was no help at all. Besides, everyone hated her. They probably preferred if she was kidnapped and left their lives. This was no time to wallow in self-pity. Possible trustworthy people were Tsunade, she had accepted her in the Village easily enough, and Kakashi, after all Uncle did trust him. Gohama had no idea where to find any of this people; maybe Tsunade was at the hospital, too far away to risk reaching. Kakashi should be at the hotel, he probably didn't even leave his room that day.

Next step was finding Kakashi. Gohama focused on the chakra signatures. He didn't seem to be on this floor. She was ready to leave the room when the sight of pink hair made her halt. Could they kill Sakura? She would be deadweight, but Gohama would never forgive herself if the poor girl ended up dead because of her. She hoisted the girl onto her back and opened the door. From the elevator appeared two Suna nin. They exchanged glances. The shinobi where obviously after her.

The stairs. She started running, avoiding the senbon thrown towards them. She kicked the door and jumped flight after flight. Her frantic movements were gnawing on her endurance, but she couldn't control them. Her ankles were screaming, her arms and back burning from the weight and sunburns. Kakashi wasn't on the floor under them. The corridors were deserted. The group had chosen the best time for an attack. Everyone seemed to be sleeping or locked away in their rooms. No Kakashi on the lower three floors. The nin were still after them, but far enough that Gohama had trouble sensing their chakra. The floor searching had luckily confused them.

Finally, a person. She was from Konoha, one of the sensei. Gohama couldn't trust her.

"Excuse me; do you know Kakashi's room?" her words stumbling on her breathing.

"Isn't that Sakura?" she asked with suspicion, raising her eyebrow.

"It's why I'm asking."

"Is everything okay?"

"Everything's fine. The room?"

"Two floors down, 04."

Gohama started running again. The nin had entered the corridor. Stupid, time spending questions. She made an earth wall to slow them down. Once on the stairs again, the sound of breaking rock echoed through the walls. The corridor of Kakashi's floor was empty. She could sense his chakra inside his room. The relief did little to calm her. The nin would reach her in any moment. She fiercely knocked on the door. No answer. Fucking Hatake.

"Kakashi, I know you're there just open the fucking door!" she pleaded while knocking. His signature didn't move "Don't ignore me! Your student is passed out!" he started strolling towards the door. "Faster, Hatake!"

The door finally opened a crack. A single dark eye peeking through it. Gohama pushed it open with the help of chakra and hastily closed it behind. She lay Sakura on the bed and finally looked towards Kakashi. He was impassively waiting for her to say something, while she sat on the end of the bed, hand clenching around her tanto, trying to level her breathing.

"Someone's after me."

He kept looking with his droopy eye. Irritation was bubbling under her skin.

"Fuck, Kakashi! Your student is passed out, I'm saying someone's following us and you just stare!"

"First you need to relax." he casually said.

"Relax?" she stood up and threw her tanto in his direction. It embed on the wall behind him "Relax? Do you have any idea of the consequences if they get me? I have a bloodline limit to protect!"

"Were they Suna?"

"Yes."

"Ah."

"Wait… How did you know…?"

Gohama suddenly regretted throwing her tanto away. She summoned a kunai behind her back. Kakashi started moving towards her.

"Now, now, Gohama. Let's not do anything hasty."

Fuck. How could Kakashi be with the Suna nin? She remembered Sakura. She reached the girl and held the kunai to her throat.

"We both know you won't do that. You just carried her even though they are after you. Not her."

Gohama dropped Sakura's head. She jumped next to the window. Sealed. Kakashi blocked the door. The Copy nin… she had to go all in. She formed a chakra shield around herself. In an instant, he was beside her, her hair still flowing from the gust of air. He was fast. He gripped her forearm. She fought his hold. They began a taijutsu fight. Kakashi managed to evade every hit. He hadn't even tried to attack. He was careful to continue blocking the door. He quickly overpowered her, sending lightning release through her pathways to disperse her chakra shield. Even if she hit now, little would it do. Kakashi took hold of her wrists, securing them on her back, and shoved her front against the wall. He had her pinned perfectly, including chakra shackles. Who even carried chakra shackles around? She couldn't escape.

"Uncle Tsukate trusts you." she accused while wriggling against his hold.

"I'm trustworthy."

Gohama scoffed. "What did they offer you? Huh? What's your price, Hatake?" she asked scornfully. "Another stolen Kekkei Genkai?"

Kakashi thrust her harshly against the wall, his whole body smothering her. "It wasn't stolen." he growled beside her ear.

The Suna nin walked through the door. Kakashi loosened his hold on her. Her neck was pinched.

"Sorry about the complication." he said while brushing the back of his neck "A misunderstanding caused by a paranoid kunoichi."

"I'm not fucking paranoid," she squirmed against his hold "I was right not to trus—"

The drugs cut Gohama's words. She couldn't move her tongue, it was too heavy. Her legs gave up holding her weight. Last thing she remembered was being hoisted onto a shoulder.


	5. I - Chapter 4

Part I | Chapter 4

* * *

A one-way mirror separated the observation room from the interrogation one. The latter was white with tiled walls and floors, so it was easier to clean the blood. At the middle was a metal chair. The only think breaking the light colours was the raven hair falling from her tipped back head. Her skin was unhealthily pale, matching the white from her tank top. How she had managed to pull through that Exam without a drop of blood tainting her clothes was remarkable. Gohama looked so motionless. He uncovered his sharingan slightly just to make sure her blood was still running. It was. Inside her laid out neck was the red flow. Her chest also rose and fell steadily. Drops of sweat sliding from her neck through her throat onto her chest. The effects of her body cleansing itself from the sedatives. She should be waking up any moment now. The door opened, pulling him from his scrutiny.

"Hokage-sama, Kazekage-sama." he bowed.

"Kakashi-san." Gaara greeted.

The newly arrived studied the girl in the middle of the room.

"So, Hatake" Tsunade began "apparently, she trusts you."

"Well, she trusts her uncle that in his turn trusts me. I doubt it matters now, she thinks I sold myself in change for the Kyura secrets."

"And you? You were the one that opposed to this so adamantly. Do you trust her?"

"I trust Tsukate."

"We'll see if your trust is well placed, Hatake."

"With all due respect, Tsunade-sama, but I didn't know Suna would also be present."

Gaara finally drifted his gaze away from Gohama. "I asked to be present, Kakashi-san. Considering Konoha is using the safeguard of our Exam for memory interrogation, I thought it would be only fair."

Kakashi clenched his fists. Of course Gaara would demand that. Gohama was an important pawn in the power plays between Villages. If it was discovered, which Kakashi doubted, Gohama was a spy in the Leaf, it would be essential for Suna to know. Then they would either support the Leaf or offer her asylum. Whichever they thought gave them more influence. Most importantly, if it was discovered she was the lost ten-tails jinchuriki, Konoha couldn't hide it from Suna. War between the Nations would definitely break out. Konoha already had the Kyubi one. Everyone would fight for the always-coveted Buki jinchuriki.

Gohama groaned. The three turned back to her. She lifted her head and twisted it, wincing from a sore neck. Opening her eyes, she smirked, her deep green boring through his dark one. She couldn't see through the mirror, could she? Her gaze shifted towards Tsunade and then Gaara.

"If I knew I would be in the presence of two kages, I would have dressed better." She stood up and approached the mirror, her bound hands curiously knocking on it. "So, who's going to interrogate me? The great copy nin?" she asked, turning her eyes towards Kakashi.

"Hatake," Tsunade called "Go tell Inoichi he can start."

Kakashi did as he was ordered. When he came back to the observation room, he was handed a chakra binding, which he connected to his temple. This would allow them to see what Yamanaka Inoichi saw from Gohama's mind.

"You're Konoha." the Kyura stated, as he entered the interrogation room. He didn't answer her.

The Yamanaka asked Gohama to take her place at the chair and she did so. He connected a chakra binding to his nape. Next, he secured her wrists to the chair's arms and ankles to its legs.

"The second phase of the Exam con—"

She scoffed. "That's what you're calling it?"

"—sists of an interrogation. You are to protect the information inside the scroll you took from your mission for the entire duration of it."

"Hokage-sama, did you convince them to change one phase just so you could torture me with no consequences or implications?" she casually asked, gazing towards Tsunade.

Kakashi still couldn't be sure the one-way mirror was truly one-way.

"I will not torture you. I'll take information from your memories." Inoichi explained softly.

"Good luck with that. I'm the Yukikage's daughter, my mind has been protected since before I could talk."

Inoichi set his hand on Gohama's forehead. A surge of chakra reached Kakashi's binding and spread through his head. The foreign energy pinched him with a sharp headache that quickly dispersed, giving place to dizziness. He had his eyes opened when a foreign image overtook his mind. In front of him was a massive gate with a seal, a Kyura seal, marking its wood. Gohama's mind. If he focused on his real vision, he could still see Inoichi working on her. With his eyes closed, the wooden gate appeared again, like a lucid dream.

"How can he break a Kyura seal?" Gaara commented.

"That's what Inoichi does." Tsunade defended sternly.

Half an hour had passed and the seal was still intact.

"Inoichi," Tsunade called through her earpiece "let's try the serum."

"It won't weaken the seal, Hokage-sama…" Yamanaka informed, unsure of his orders.

"No. But it will weaken the door."

Now they were going to drug her, break her mind apart. Kakashi wanted to protect his Village, but this… Tsukate had asked him to keep an eye on Gohama, but there was nothing he could do. He had tried to dissuade Tsunade, after that failed all he could do was try to stop the interrogation from going too far.

Memory interrogation was only reserved for outside people who had acted against a village or inside traitors. If the person being interrogated was only suspected of something, it was theoretically forbidden. It was a more sensitive case of torture than actual physical one, because it violated every little detail of one's life. From the most ordinary, indifferent memory to the deepest, moving ones. It trampled into one's individual experiences and made them others. It violated one's identity, one's sense of being. And now, both Suna and Konoha were doing it to Gohama on a whim.

A man in scrubs entered the interrogation room. It was easy to see Gohama's veins with her pale skin. The syringe broke the skin and the liquid was pushed in. She never said a word, never acknowledged the man that drugged her. Her stark and defiant gaze was pinned on Tsunade. She clenched her eyelids when the drug kicked in. When she opened her eyes, they were dark. Chuckling, she said "The Haruto Serum. The medic that could break any shinobi with a drop of his substance. How did you get it, Tsunade? It was my great-granny, wasn't it?" she chuckled again "How she must be turning in her grave knowing her pupil used it on her great-grandchild, her dying Clan's heiress… Let's hope she does know. A Kyura ought to pay for spilling clan secrets to outsiders. Even in death."

Tsunade gritted her fists beside her body. Her fury was tensing the room, but there was something else in her expression. Kakashi knew it well, it was guilt.

"Cruel girl…" he heard her whispering to herself.

Kakashi felt irritation prickle his chest. She wasn't being cruel, she was striking her opponent, she was fighting back in the only way possible when chained up: emotional blows.

He closed his eyes, as Inoichi went back to his jutsu. Fissures were cracking through the wood of the gate. The Yamanaka chakra filling them, expanding them to cavities.

"Let go, girl" Inoichi softly told her "It will only hurt more if you fight it."

Fifteen minutes later, the gate broke into insignificant splinters. Gohama grasped her hands on the metal chair, her expression clenching in pain. On the other side of the threshold, infinite whiteness spread endlessly.

"Where are the memories?" Tsunade asked Inoichi, concerned.

"I'm searching them." Inoichi answered.

"You won't find what you're looking for. Those memories don't exist because what you're looking for never happened or I never got to know it."

"Start with her childhood. I'll tell you when to stop." Tsunade ordered through the earpiece.

As the Yamanaka worked on her mind, windows would rise from the endless white ocean. They were hidden inside the undifferentiated nothingness and Inoichi knew how to make them appear. Still, even with the Serum, the glass would only show imperceptible blurs and static. With his Sharingan, Kakashi could see his chakra reducing. He had already used so much. If it ended, their progression would be useless. They would have to start from the beginning, if ever given the chance again.

"It's impossible to become immune, but I did learn how to counter its effects." Gohama explained cockily through ragged breaths.

Her heart was beating hard and fast. More drops of sweat slid down her forehead and neck. She was fighting the prying hard. Inoichi chakra spiked, the three could feel it on their chakra bindings. Gohama tensed and then relaxed slightly. Kakashi could feel the vertigo as they fell through the glass of a window. A traditional Japanese mansion, with a beautifully kept garden and pond, materialised before Kakashi's eyes.

"_Gohama-sama! Get inside right now!" _

"_No!" Gohama yelled, while she ran from puddle to puddle after her dog. "Riku! Give my ball back! Riku! I want my ball!"_

_As the dog heard his name, he ran towards the little girl, ball secured in his mouth. He halted right before reaching her, but still bumped her. Gohama fell with a thud onto her bottom. _

"_Bad doggy!" she yelped with a smile._

_Her hand shot onto the ball stuck between his teeth. She pulled with as much strength as a three-year-old could. The dog finally relented and she was thrown back onto the mud. _

"_Gohama-sama! Yukikage-sama will be home in a minute. You have to get ready for the Daimyo's arrival. Come now!"_

_Gohama flinched at the nanny's anger and decided it was best she obeyed. She quickly ran inside, but was stopped by two wide and strong arms at the porch. _

"_You're filthy, Gohama-sama. You'll get the floors all dirty. Take your shoes and coat off. – she ordered, while she did the task herself "And run for the bathroom. The water must be cold already and I won't reheat it!"_

"_Bye, Ruki!" she waved at the husky as she entered. _

_They were on a child's bedroom now. The dark haired girl dressed in a green kimono._

"_Oh, Koroko-san, I don't like kimonos!" _

"_I know, Go-sama, but you have to wear them."_

"_Why? Isune-chan doesn't have to. And she doesn't have to see Damo."_

"_The Daimyo" Koroko corrected softly "Well, Isune isn't the Yukikage's daughter."_

"_I know that." she puffed._

_Koroko turned Gohama so she would face the mirror._

"_It's silly…" she commented, as she opened her arms and let the wide sleeves show "and big."_

"_You look lovely! Except for that pout. We'll have to do something about it." she started poking her ribs and belly playfully "What about now?" Gohama fought the laugh from tickling, emphasising her grumpy expression. "Okay, not working… What do you say if I ask Michi-san to make sushi for dinner tomorrow? Hm, Go-sama?"_

_Gohama glanced over the plump woman with big wary eyes. "Nigiri…?"_

"_Lots of Nigiri!" she confirmed excitedly. _

"_Okay!" Gohama said with a smile. _

_The little girl was grinning inside. Her plan had worked! She knew Koroko-san would buy her manners with sushi, she always did. _

"_Yukikage-sama is home." The nanny said as she looked down the window. Gohama's smile widened and she sped away from the bedroom. "No running with the kimono on, Gohama-sama!" she heard Koroko's fading yell._

When the memory ended, they were back to the whiteness.

"That's not the memories I want, Inoichi."

"I know, Hokage-sama, but she was the one to give me this."

Gohama was yielding into Inoichi's meddling by giving him useless memories. This way her mind wouldn't break and she could control the memories they would see. Smart. Another spike of Yamanaka chakra. Another memory appeared.

_A tiny hand brushed snowflakes from dark eyelashes. A think cedar forest, covered in white, surrounded the girl. The scenery moved up and down matching the sound of footsteps on snow. Her leg hurt greatly. _

"_Yukine, how long?" a childish, impatient voice asked._

"_A few miles." a deep voice replied. It rumbled through her legs._

_The girl looked down onto the great white wolf that was carrying her on his back. She let her chest rest on his spine and her arms dangle by his warm and fluffy sides. _

"_By sled is faster." _

"_Considering you broke your leg riding the sled, it's safer by piggyback." _

"_Wolfyback!" the girl shouted, genuinely laughing at her own joke._

_Yukine also laughed and again it rumbled through her body. _

"_Father's mad?" _

"_Ina-kun is glad you're okay. But he worries. You have to be careful, Gohama, more so than the other children. Your safety is essential." _

"_A kunoichi is never safe." the girl replied with pride. _

"_You're not even in the Academy, little kunoichi." he replied tenderly amused._

"_But I train with Osamu-hanshi and Haku-kun too. Osamu-hanshi said I could be a genin by seven. Can I do a bond with you then?" the girl asked excitedly. _

"_I'm still bonded to your father. Maybe when you're older."_

"_Good. You're my favourite wolf, Yukine."_

"_Why is that?"_

"_You're wise and kind and powerful. You have the best nose. And you're Father's."_

Kakashi couldn't handle how Gohama's innocent memories were disturbing him. He tried to focus on quieting his pulse and levelling his breathing.

The room was silent. Inoichi worked on her mind for long minutes. He broke the silence.

"Her mind his breaking. Random memories will burst out. Tell me when to focus on one, Hokage-sama."

_Gohama snowball fighting._

_Gohama hunting with her Father._

_Gohama being pushed on a sled by dogs._

_Gohama lovingly watching her newborn brother, with wonder._

_Gohama playing with other children._

_Gohama training in the academy._

_Gohama graduating and receiving her hitai-ate._

_Gohama contemplating the Arms, her home._

_Gohama listening in on her Father and Uncle._

The vertigo was constant as they dived from window to window, broke from glass to glass. The surges of sensations were overwhelming. They felt every single one of the memories as if they were their own. Kakashi felt like a thief.

"That one." Tsunade intervened.

"_Don't you understand, Inaku? There are fewer of us with the bloodline limit. We can't let our clan die!"_

"_Our clan isn't dying."_

"_Isn't it? Now that you're Yukikage, all you do is favour smaller, less powerful clans and forget about your own!"_

"_I'm only supporting the most skilled shinobi. I'm impartial."_

"_The elders aren't pleased with your ruling. This is one simple thing. It doesn't concern the Arms, only the Kyura. We need more of us with bloodline limit!"_

"_I won't force my daughter to marry a man twenty years older than her, much less her cousin!" _

"_You want her to marry the Minake kid." he said disdainfully. "They have you in their hands."_

"_She's seven, Hideki, seven! I'm not thinking about who she's going to marry." _

"_She won't have to marry now. Only when she's old enough to have children. Our clan is losing its former glory. We used to be seen as gods, now the people think they are equal to our blood."_

"_Damn, Hideki… You're truly pitiful… That mentality is what's killing the Kyura in the first place."_

"_Even if you're the Head of Clan, you can't go against the assembly's decision. They will decide for my son and Gohama's union."_

_The girl ran away from her hiding spot. Tears were prickling her eyes. She admonished her weakness. She had to accept her duty, even if it meant sacrificing her freedom. She had been made to serve and protect the Arms and her Clan. If Father asked her to, she would marry Cousin. No matter how much pain it caused her. Gohama had never been meant for happiness. Only duty._

_Gohama playing catch with her toddler brother._

_Gohama watching a blonde girl paint._

_Gohama waiting for her Father outside the Yukikage's Palace._

_Gohama listening to a traditional recital on her home's garden._

_Gohama watching the fireworks from a rooftop._

_Gohama offering flowers to her Mother._

_Gohama playing with her friends._

_Gohama learning how to swim in the river._

"She's fighting this one, Hokage-sama, hard. Maybe she's hiding something."

"Show it."

Chakra burst from Inoichi.

_A mother was screaming. Her child had just died, drowned in the river. He was still and under his mother's embrace. Limp. _

_The screaming. Stop the screaming. Please stop the screaming. _

_Gohama ran away from the riverbank._

"_Kuni-kun?" The dark-eyed child cleaned the tears from his cheeks. "Why are you crying?"_

"_I miss my parents."_

"_Where are they?"_

"_Dead."_

_(Dead? Why does everyone cry when people die? Do they disappear? Is it like when Father stays away for long?)_

"_Where's Isune-chan?" the girl asked._

"_She's home with her family. When she gets back to the academy, you must be a good friend to her, Gohama."_

"_I'm always good!" _

"_This time is more important."_

"_Why?"_

"_Her brother died on a mission. She's sad."_

_(Died? Sad? Do all shinobi have to die?)_

"_Will I die too, mother?"_

"_Don't think about that, my dear."_

"_Will you cry when I die?"_

"_Go play with your friends, Gohama. And forget about grown up things."_

"_Isune-chan isn't a grown up."_

They dived into another window, but this time the glass didn't break.

"No… Not that one… " she whispered "Not that one…"

Inoichi forced his chakra once more onto her mind. It shattered and they were falling again.

_The girl tightened her hold on Mother's hand. She tried to understand the characters carved on the stone. _

"_Mother, where do people go when they die?"_

"_No one is entirely sure, Gohama. We believe they go to some place beautiful and peaceful._

_(No it's not. Death makes people cry. Death makes people hurt.)_

"_But most importantly we believe they stay with us still here, in our minds" Mother said as she poked her forehead "eyes, nose, mouth and heart. They never leave us. We don't see them but we can feel them."_

_Gohama looked down at her chest and brought her small hand against it. _

_(No. They leave us. How can they stay inside of us? I'm too small. Too small for you, Mother, to stay in me when you die.)_

"_Is that where Grandmother is?"_

"_Yes."_

_(I can't feel her.)_

"_I miss her."_

"_Me too. But one day we will see her again."_

_(I want to sit with her by the pond. I want to watch her sew. I want to hear her voice.)_

"_Can I talk to her?"_

"_Of course. And she will listen, even if you can't listen back."_

_(Everyone else will disappear too.)_

"_When will you die, Mother?"_

"_Oh, I don't know, Gohama. But don't worry about it, it will be a long time from now." Mother kneeled in front of her and tucked a strand of Gohama's hair behind her ear "But I'll always be with you, my dear Hama-chan. And you with me. Of this, I'm sure."_

_(Will you, Mother? Please? Will you always stay with me? Will you never die?)_

"_Me too."_

_Mother's dark hair tossed over her pale face. Wide, blank eyes staring into the girl's ones. A pool of crimson blood dripping from her stomach onto the wooden floor. A masked man with a reddened blade in his hand. Her own cheeks dripping panicking and desperate tears._

"_Mother! Mother!" she tried running to her Mother's body. Father held her._

_(You said it would be a long time…)_

"Hokage-sama…" Kakashi pleaded, his voice trembling.

"Inoichi, what are these memories? What's happening?"

"I can't control them. The girl's out. Her mind is acting on its own. The memories are all connected. I can't stop the thread."

_Father stood beside the girl. She was gazing the graves after the memorial._

"_You are a lucky girl, Gohama, to still have your precious people alive. Death is part of a shinobi's life. Even for a young kunoichi like you." he said sweetly "It brings pain, but it can still be a beautiful thing when it's meaningful. Before a battle or mission, we Arms' nin always say «If death comes, may it be in honour of the Arms.»"_

"_Is that what is asked of me? To die?"_

"_You don't have to die, just to fight, Gohama." _

"_Not just fight. My power… My life… I belong to the Arms. Whatever is asked of me, whatever comes to me may it be in honour of the Arms." she bowed before Father "Yukikage-sama." _

_Father brushed the hair at the crown of her head._

"_Never forget that I'm just a man and you're still my daughter, Hama-chan."_

"_Gohama! Listen to me, look at me!" Father tried keeping a secure and calm tone, the child didn't respond and he started shaking her "do you remember what we talked about, if this happened?" _

_The girl nodded slightly._

"_Yukine…" the girl whispered._

"_I take care of him."_

"_No! I can't leave without him! I'm his sister. He can come with me, I can take care of him!" _

"_He's better with me, don't worry. You have to go, now! Run! To where I told you! Run!"_

_He pushed her and she ran without ever saying goodbye._

"_Fuck. Uncle Tsukate. What did you do…?" _

"_I'm sorry, Gohama…"_

_She pushed her chakra through the hole in his guts, her hands now soaked in red._

"_No, no, no… Don't leave me, please… Hey, hey! Look at me! Fuck… I'm calling the medic, please, stay awake. I need you. You're all I have left… Please stay. Please…"_

_(Where are you, Mother? You said you'd stay with me. You're gone. I can't feel you… I can't feel anything…)_

The memories kept running, the glass window's shattering. More and more showed the massacre of the Arms. He felt sick. His guts were wrenching, his chest constricted. Tsunade and Gaara watched with morbid curiosity. All this was vile, disturbing. He couldn't bear it anymore.

"It's enough!"

"We haven't found anything useful, Hatake." Tsunade argued.

"You won't find anything. It's been hours. Inoichi is almost depleted of chakra. Gohama passed out! This is sick." with shaking hands he began banging on the one-way mirror.

"You either pull yourself together or leave." Tsunade growled, threatening him with her fist.

Kakashi couldn't bear it anymore. All the guilt was tearing him, all the compassion. "If she dies, I hope you're glad you killed the last Kyura."

He ripped the chakra binding from his temple. A headache burst through his head and he burst out of the observation room.

* * *

There was a humming and beeping beside Gohama. Her head was bursting in pain. Each beep pierced through her temples. The light over her closed eyelids made it hurt more. Some chakra signatures passed on the other side of the corridor. The air was cool and smelled of sterilization. They had put her in a hospital bed. She felt like crying her eyes out, but the tears were stuck behind them. She was dry, body and soul. She could scream, but had no energy to do so. So tired. So tired… Turning towards the wall, Gohama begged for sleep to claim her.

It never came. She spent the hours holding onto to the sheets, willing her mind to stop hurting, stop torturing her with the memories. After seven years, she had learnt how to master her rebel thoughts. Thinking made things present. If she didn't think, she would forget and along with her awareness the pungent emotions would soften. This allowed her to be functional. Now her mind had been torn apart. The sheer vulnerability of having the past that made Gohama who she was visible to others was enough to make her sick. The memories had been tainted by prying looks. They were no longer only Gohama's. They didn't belong to her anymore. Then, there was their nature. They had been so realistic, so raw, so tangible. It wasn't just recalling. The Yamanaka jutsu made people relive it. And now that she was back to present time all was left was loss and emptiness. The memories continued to flow back, her mind was ill, she couldn't control it, but they were a shallow carcass, eaten away by vultures.

If she could just stop seeing Mother's dead face, hearing her people's screaming, smelling the rotten and the blood. After seven years, it was back again with full force. The relived good memories only pained her more. She had promised her Yukikage she would accept any burden for Buki, but existing was too much and living worse. Most of her had disappeared that night.

Now, in that hospital bed, her forehead against the cold wall, her head throbbing, somewhere in the desert, Gohama couldn't bear it anymore. If she could cry maybe it would help dissipate the anguish, but she couldn't. She had never been able to relieve her frantic inner movements through outbursts. Only anger, because anger was meant to explode. But pain, loss, grief, they could gnaw from inside and never show. And she was so profoundly tired!

Maybe death would come that night. Merciful death. She would never do it herself, but if death came on her own will, she would let herself be dragged. Gohama was too weak, too tired to fight. Then, the last Kyura would forsake her kunoichi mantra. Her coward death would not be in honour of the Arms. It would be dirty and shameful. She would betray once again the Village she had sworn to serve. Death should had come for her on that fatal night. Gohama obsessed over that moment when she had decided to follow given orders, leaving her home behind, never knowing if they had been given by her father or her Yukikage. If it had been bonds to move Inaku or duty.

Gohama just wanted to sleep. She couldn't bear it anymore. Kakashi's chakra signature filled the room. She was in no state to confront him or anyone really. She would pretend to be sleeping until he left, which he didn't for what seemed an eternity. One thing that made her misery worse was people not leaving her to be miserable in peace.

"Leave." her voice was pitiful.

"I tried to stop them. I—"

"I'm not my uncle. I didn't expect anything from you. You're a Leaf shinobi."

"You too."

"Was this a welcoming party then?" she asked bitterly.

"Thank you for risking bringing Sakura… it was part of the Exam so there wasn't actually any danger, but the intention was there. I also know you went after the girl from your team... Why?"

Gohama had already left a whole village behind...

Kakashi stayed silent, she could feel him thinking.

"Will you stay in the Leaf?"

"I don't have much choice."

"I could help you get back to Snow."

"Is this how you see me?" she asked offended "What happened won't stop me from getting what I came to Konoha for."

"Well, the last phase already started. It's duels. Someone will tell you when you're to fight." Gohama heard hesitant footsteps in her direction, and then they stopped halfway. "I'm sorry."

The chakra signature disappeared. She unclenched the sheets in her hands. Poor guy that would have to fight her now.

* * *

_To anyone who's still following the story, thank you!_

_I'm having problems with formatting. I can't make double paragraph spaces between memories. On one hand, it helps with the feel of a bundle of memories just following each other in a thread; on the other hand, it can be difficult to distinguish them. Do you think I should make an horizontal line between them? I tried dashes but they just disappeared... Any tip on formatting?_


	6. I - Chapter 5

_To anyone who's still reading this, thank you for sticking with me! I'm writing the story for myself, but I decided to share it just for sharing it. So, I'll keep posting anyway. _

_Gohama was actually a character (although very undeveloped then) __I invented maybe ten years ago, for playing _Naruto _with my friends. Along with a new Village, the Arms (I'm not sure if Buki was also destroyed the first time I imagined it, or if it was just Gohama's family dying... Either way, very tragic). I was between 7-9 yo. __I still have a drawing I made of her back then._

_Last summer, I re-watched _Naruto _and decided to write a story for this character just for fun. And probably a little for the nostalgia. I've always loved inserting OC's of mine or just making my own worlds, either for playing, as a kid, or for simply imagining them, now. _

_-RedPowder_

* * *

Part I | Chapter 5

* * *

The stadium was full. People were still outside trying to enter. Sakura had already fought, but lost. Honestly, Kakashi didn't think she was ready for the Chunin Exams. He could see it still pained her to remember her last one. Her opponent was clearly stronger than she was; however, she had fought bravely and well, mastering the genjustsu he had just taught her. The only reason he decided to train her for a mere three days was guilt. He had somewhat neglected her over Sasuke, which ended up being useless in the end, and Naruto. When both of them left, he decided to focus on his missions. Then Gohama had to push his buttons, how she managed to do it so easily was irksome, and he, as usual, felt guilty. At least, she had freed him from the burden of teaching. Not that he hadn't enjoyed his time with Team 7, they really had grown on him, but he had been a terrible sensei. Thankfully, Sakura continued fixated in becoming a medic-nin. He was glad she had found her way as a kunoichi. She would truly make a great medic if she got her mind on it. Sakura had told him she was thinking of asking Tsunade to be her mentor. Kakashi hoped the Hokage saw his student's potential, he really wanted the best for her. But he knew it wasn't him who could give it. He had never managed to get that right with anyone. Team seven the most recent prove of that. Nothing had changed since his first team.

His pink-haired student waved beside him "Inoichi-san!"

Kakakshi wondered how Sakura was so familiar with him. The man approached her.

"Sakura. Good to see you. Did you fight already?"

"Yes, I did. I lost…" she said turning glim, then her eyes lit again "Ino will be so happy that you could come see her!"

So, that was how Sakura knew the Yamanaka.

"Yes, of course I did. See you around, Sakura."

Before he left, he shared a knowing look with Kakashi. He made sure Inoichi saw his disapproving. Lowering his gaze, the blond man walked away into the crowd.

"Hey, Kakashi." Asuma asked, he was sitting beside him "What was that about?"

"What?" he innocently asked.

"The look."

"He dropped his coffee all over my _Icha Icha Paradise_. I can't get the stain off of it, but worse is the smell." he neared Asuma, whispering "I think he did it on purpose. He never did approve of the books."

Asuma scoffed knowingly. "You know. Ino never did pass the second phase. But her father that came just to see her doesn't know." he nodded towards Sakura "And I'm not the only one that finds that interesting."

People were growing impatient. Most had specifically come to satisfy their curiosity over the Kyura. They kept talking. Some wondered how she had survived, others how and why she had been hidden. Everyone already knew she was the daughter of the Yukikage. Most suspected he was the reason she had managed to be kept alive and safe during the massacre. His figure was still highly respected as a powerful, diplomatic and honourable kage. Few dared taint his image with bitter and mocking words. That, however, didn't extend to Gohama. They saw her above all as a Kyura and nothing more. Behind Kakashi were three men only concerned about Gohama's physical attributes, wondering if she was as all Kyura women through rude and leering words. Sakura became clearly uncomfortable and tense when she caught onto the conversation, especially after they explained the explicit ways they would treat the heiress.

The tolerance minutes were passing by. What was up with great clan's surviving heirs and being late for the last phase of the exam? And why did it seem Kakashi was to blame in both cases? He hadn't made sure Gohama was told about her fight. Maybe she hadn't been. After what they had put her through on the Exam, if she were to flunk over such careless, stupid—

She materialized onto the ring before he could finish his thought. The Kyura sage-green cloak, proudly flowing from her back. The embroidered crest was white against the green background, the head of a white wolf. The summon of the Kyura and the symbol of their clan. The Cloud shinobi she was fighting had his own clan crest on his back, but none knew or were interested in its name. The crowd became silent, attentive, scrutinizing. They looked at Gohama with distorted wonder. She was a relic. She was no more than a museum piece from an ancient time, displayed on a shelf for passing, curious eyes to see. A piece found after years of people thinking every piece had vanished. An artifact from a forever-lost village and a forever-dead people. After the first wave of awe passed, the shouting began «Kyura, Kyura». No more than a shard in exhibition for the people to entertain themselves.

The signal to start. The crowd began cheering feverishly. Kakashi didn't like battles made into shows. It made them cheap. It robbed them of their gravity, their precision, their beauty, their loneliness. And the chant for the Kyura made everything more despicable. He saw her fast hand signs. A genjutsu? That genjutsu? Few Kyura had focused on genjutsu, they valued direct attacks. Their chakra control would be optimal for genjutsu, some Kyura had been famous for them, but they were uncommon. Kakashi had never seen Gohama fight, still he had never pondered what her fighting style would be this. With her bloodline limit, it was a surprise.

The two adversaries stood still, quiet. Then the boy fell onto his knees, a scream echoing through the stadium. It made the crowd silent and tense. Some murmuring, never above a whisper, asked if it was it. Disquietment settled into the collective chest.

"Sensei, what's happening?" Sakura asked, unsettled.

"It's a genjutsu, a torturing one."

"Why is she using it? It's cruel…"

Gohama turned her gaze up, a frown sculpting her features.

"Are you not entertained?" she shouted towards the crowd. (1)

The screaming and contorting stopped. Gohama was breaking the expectations for a spectacle. Genjutsu fights were boring to watch. Only the fighters saw and experienced the action. There was a smugness to her stance, she enjoyed provoking. She was playing with the audience, not the enemy. A shout came from behind him "Fight!"

The rest of the spectators kept quiet, though. Gohama snickered and crouched into a fighting position. "Get up, shinobi." she ordered her adversary "You heard the crowd. Fight me."

The Cloud nin stood up, his body still trembling. However, he took initiative and ran towards her, a determined yell breaking through his sore throat. The crowd's cheers sounded again. The taijutsu fight lasted a few seconds. A chakra-enhanced punch threw the kid against the ring's wall. Again, she was disappointing the audience.

"Is this not what you wanted?" Gohama shouted.

"Show us your tits!" another stray request.

Amused and agreeing laughs broke from the mass. Gohama smiled and with a sweet voice, said "Then come down here, honey."

People shut up.

"Fucking fight like a Kyura!"

She smiled cockily. A swirling column of pure light-blue chakra erupted around Gohama. A shock wave twisted the soil of the fighting ring and thrust through the audience. The raw power of the energy making lesser shinobi shudder. Sakura, beside him, gripped her armrests tighter.

"I can't say I've missed the Kyura chakra." Asuma jocked. "Remind me never to piss her off."

"Scared of a genin, Sarutobi?"

"A simple precaution."

"Sensei… Why does it feel so different?" Sakura asked, never moving her wide eyes from the Kyura's swirling energy.

"That's the Kyura bloodline limit. It's called totipotent chakra, it is an undifferentiated state of every chakra nature affinity. It's energy in full potential."

"What does that mean?"

"It means chakra can be manipulated in its pure energy form outside of pathways as if it were matter."

"I don't understand…"

"Imagine what Gaara does with his sand, but with chakra."

Sakura silently awed. It was a fascinating bloodline limit. Difficult to perfect. Kakashi had seen it in action during the war, he had fought a Kyura with the bloodline limit before. The sheer power of it breaks any ninja's courage. It had made his legs falter and obedience crumble. Never had the flight instinct been as inescapable as before, as sweet and persuasive. He had never been afraid of dying. That wasn't what had made him waver. The chakra didn't evoke the fear for death, it evoked fear for itself in all its raw power. Kakashi had chosen to fight, the last remaining sense of duty willing him to stay.

Gohama finally acted. She slowly dragged her feet towards the Cloud nin. Spreading the suspense through the audience, the fear intensifying with anticipation. He tried repelling her with his lighting release. He was just a genin. It was sad too. Against any other opponent, he may have managed to win, but never with Gohama. His eyes widened and muscles froze in panic as the chakra swirl almost touched him; small cuts breaking onto his skin. The crowed was electrified with craving for the show of a lost symbol of power, of rule, of violence, of death. Then the chakra disappeared, as suddenly as it had come. Gohama laid her hand on his stomach and he never protested, did nothing else but tremble. A flow of energy surged between the two. The crowd still hadn't caught up with what was happening. It remained still and expectant. The kid fell to the ground with a thud, his body limp.

The examiners voice shattered the confused silence

"Winner, Kyura Gohama!" he announced.

The girl disappeared in a swirl of snowflakes. The fight had been a disappointment for everyone.

"What happened?" Sakura asked.

"She took away her opponent's chakra."

* * *

Scotch was the nectar of gods. Rough, heavy hands grasped the glass with sloppiness. The dark fingers scrapped prickling stubble as the glass was brought to thin lips. The dark-gold liquid burning the throat. A hand brushed through short and coarse hair. It had been a tough day. A food stand stool had called for the shinobi, who was easily persuaded; it had been some time now, not that it actually mattered. The noise of a busy street, with shuffling feet, loud children and talking murmur, helped stir the numbness of alcohol, unclench the tightening guts. Finally some alone time, where the shinobi could be no one. Just one more client. One more person relaxing after a workday. One more, the same as all the others. There was peace in anonymity, in collectiveness. A name was too much work, too much to live up to. The shinobi passed the back of a hand over the side of a cheek. The roughness of manly stubble had always been soothing.

A sand shinobi sat beside the drinking ninja. He didn't make a move to order, the vender pretended he wasn't there. His chakra was strong, jonin or higher. Definitely, ANBU.

"Kazekage-sama summons you."

What a pain in the fucking ass.

"I'm Konoha. I can't meet the Kazekage without my own kage's permission."

"It's a diplomatic reunion between Sand and Arms."

The shinobi played with the liquid, stirring the glass left and right. "That card, huh?"

"You can keep the henge." Gohama sipped the last of her drink and stood. "A man?" the Anbu asked.

She took the manly hand to her manly cheek. "Something about the beard." she replied playfully.

The brownish tones of everything in that Village were making her physically sick. During the first days, it had been new and exotic, now it was just dreadfully dull. Gohama didn't know she expected anything else from the Kazekage's office. Only when a deep sigh involuntarily escaped her lungs, did she realise she was disappointed. The walls were brown. The desk was brown (yes, it was wood, but they could have painted it). Even the fabric covering it was a reddish shade of brown. The washed out greens of desert plants couldn't compete with all the brown. Gohama could not understand the fixation over such boring colour. They could paint the sandstone, break with the environment, give a little variety to their tedious streets. Sand surrounded the Village, why did everything about it had to be the same damn colour!

And why did she give a shit? It had to be the heat. The heat and the scotch. Even Konoha's rainbow roofing was better than brown every fucking where. Gods, she was going mad. The place was driving her fucking mad. A damn colour would drive her over the edge?

Gohama stood before the young, redhead Kazekage. It felt frustrating to see a kid in such a powerful position. She still had a long way to go. His eyes were clear blue, beautiful, but jaded, not brown. A blonde-haired woman was standing beside him. A big fan on her back. She didn't seem amused by her presence. Gohama didn't bow.

"Kyura-san, good that you could join me."

Gohama gave him a saccharine smile. "Wasn't our last time together enough, Jinchuriki-sama?"

"You're to address the Kazekage by Kazekage-sama or Gaara-sama." the blonde snapped beside him.

Gaara raised his hand. "It's okay."

"Calling someone a jinchuriki shouldn't be considered offensive. It's quite a feat to any person's body and mind. There's nothing to be ashamed off."

"I didn't except different from a Kyura." Gaara said calmly.

"But I did hear about your little breakout at the last Chunin exams."

The blonde woman scowled, hostility dripping from her expression. The Kazekage looked unfazed. He did seem a collected, reasonable person. His chakra was stout and quiet. Gohama could also sense the one-tail chakra. It was frightening, all power and bloodthirst, a mad, frantic undertone to it. The seal wasn't as strong as a Kyura's. It was probably more difficult for him to control the beast. No other fuinjutsu master had achieved the Kyura's secret of bending and locking the ten-tails' own will to the jinchuriki one. The biju couldn't act by its own without the jinchuriki wishing it so. That seal had prevented many disasters.

"You probably already suspect the reason I asked for this meeting, Kyura-san. I, the Kazekage, officially offer you a position in Suna's military, as a Suna shinobi."

"That is extremely thoughtful of you, but I'm already a Leaf kunoichi."

"And still you wear the Arms' hitai-ate." he pointed towards her waist, tone neutral.

"A small eccentricity of mine."

"What do you want me to offer?"

Gohama mocked pondering. She began strolling through the office. Uneasy ANBU eyes following her every move. She looked beyond one of the small rounded windows towards Sunagakure in all its tedious brown. She was overheating just by looking at the bare landscape.

"I accept, If—" she interrupted herself for dramatic purposes "you paint all the buildings in the Village."

"Do you think this is a joke?" the blonde spit out.

"I'm very serious. I could never live in a place that was all brown. And the heat…! I swear how can you be wearing all those layers?" she had pointing at both of them "I think my brain wasn't made to work in such temperatures. People are nice, they don't really give a shit about anything, well, except for this White Fang guy, that's Hatake's father, by the way. The food is appalling. It makes me sweat just from the burning. How you can eat that in all this heat? It's fascinating… But the worse is the heat. And the brown, that damn colour is in everything! Why? Explain to me! Why this fixation with brown? Of all colours… brown."

"Are you drugged?"

"Not unless someone put something in my scotch." she quipped gleefully.

Gohama really was drunk, but she was just messing with them. It felt ridiculous, flattering, but ridiculous that they would try to recruit her for Suna when she was already Konoha. She felt like a toy being fought over by little kids that wanted the precious last doll from the special edition collection. She was not a thing they could win just to boast over the other kids at the playground. A pretty figurine they would display for others to see, forever keeping her in a box, never to do what she had been made for. This was what was driving her mad. Not the brown, although extremely nauseating, but the parade of the last Kyura, ready for the highest bidder.

"Sand, unfortunately cannot undergo aesthetic alterations at the moment, but we can offer other things. Better things." Her angered gaze turned towards the calm blue eyes. Let the bidding begin. "I know what you desire form the Leaf. Sand can give you that, more. You'll be appointed as a Jonin. Outside our Village's missions, you are free to investigate and act on whatever you wish, wherever you wish. No questions asked as long as it doesn't compromise Sunagakure."

It was a good bid. A very tempting price. Gohama would be given the freedom to search her Village's murderers. She would be given the means to becoming stronger, powerful. Konoha had just accepted her, they hadn't offered anything back. Now, she had the higher ground. Now, she could play them for more. Suna wasn't the best Village, extremely capable, but too brown and hot. Gohama, however, could easily look over her discomfort if it meant room to achieve her duty. Maybe other Village's would offer more. She could take advantage of her parading, of her place as a pawn in politic chess. None had come to her yet and Sand's offer was too good.

But Konoha… Yes. She had her Buki hitai-ate, but she was also Leaf's. Hadn't her duty become to the Leaf also? It would difficult her avenging, but not prevent it. She was Leaf. She had signed the forms, she had taken the Exams with a Konoha team, she had even put a down payment on an apartment, with a nice ample view to their rainbow roofs. Western style; she had never lived in a western style apartment, with pulling and pushing doors, she was curious. It was a shame to lose that money, it had been more expensive than she had expected. Not that it really mattered. Gohama had inherited all of the Kyura wealth.

What truly kept her from accepting right away was Uncle. He trusted Konoha. He had sent her there, because he wanted her to live there and fight for their Village, while she tried to fight for her dead one. Besides, now Gohama represented the Arms. The Arms was an ally of the Leaf, which meant that, as an Arms kunoichi, she had to be faithful to her Village's allies before others. Yes. Konoha had taken advantage of the Exams to painfully and degradingly probe into her memories. But Gohama could see why. She had come out of nowhere. They had taken her in. For the Village's safeguard, Tsunade had to make sure she wasn't a spy. It would also be important to know if she was the so desired ten-tails jinchuriki. If Gohama was going to sell herself, it had to be for a good price.

"ANBU."

The corners of Gaara's lips raised almost imperceptibly. "Okay."

"You do realise this will give you more headaches than gains?"

"I don't think Konoha cherishes you enough. Not after Phase Two."

She scoffed. "You were also there."

"I took advantage, yes. But it was not my initiative. And you are not one of my shinobi, as you said: you are Leaf."

Gohama was Leaf, because Uncle Tsukate wanted her there. She had run out on him after he had no more to offer her. All she could do now was respect his wishes. She was Leaf and she was Arms.

"Do you accept?" Gaara asked.

She sighed and she glanced over the window. "Changing sides would give Tsunade's unreasonable ways some sort of justification. And I couldn't really live with that." she wistfully sighed "Not when I enjoyed leaving her high and dry so much…"

* * *

Night had cooled the streets of Suna. A refreshing breeze passed from time to time, washing away the spoils of day's heat. The Village was beautiful at night. The moon shone over the sandstone buildings, changing their dull brown into a mystic blue. She wandered through the roofs, stopping here and there for some peaceful contemplation. At night, she could appreciate the Village. When she felt like it, Gohama went back to her room. She hadn't been there in quite some time.

Sakura was laying on the bed, reading. "You missed the meeting with Tsunade-sama." she coldly said.

The tone surprised Gohama, but she wasn't really in a state to care. Teenage girls' mood swings she supposed. She flopped onto her bed with a sigh.

"You're a chunin, by the way." Gohama had supposed as much when Gaara so easily accepted her condition of being ANBU. "I didn't pass."

Was that why she was mad?

"There's always next year." Gohama offered.

Sakura didn't answer. She turned a page of her book and shuffled around in her position. The silence was tense. It was obvious she had something else she wanted to say. Gohama could feel her examining glances. That helped explain why she hadn't passed, the girl wasn't discreet at all.

"Spill it."

"What?"

"Whatever you want to say, just say it." Gohama turned her face towards her, with an innocent expression "I promise I won't bite."

Sakura hesitated. "Your fight… you were cruel…"

Gohama genuinely laughed and turned her gaze towards the ceiling. "You won't last long in the shinobi world."

"You used him… you used him to play with the crowd…" Sakura said fearfully.

"You wouldn't understand. You're nobody." Before Sakura could lash out, Gohama continued, "I don't mean it as an insult. Haven't you ever wished Sasuke wasn't an Uchiha?"

She gasped at her sudden words. Taking some time to think, she answered "He wouldn't be Sasuke if he wasn't an Uchiha."

"Perhaps. But maybe that would be for the best" Gohama glared at her "if it means having a chance of being happy."

"He has a chance."

"Sweet little pink-haired Sakura." she said bouncily.

"Where were you in the past few days?" Gohama stood up. "Who interrogated you during Phase Two?" So, Sakura suspected something. Gohama ignored the question and went for the door. "There's curfew…" Sakura warned.

"It wouldn't be nice to leave the Hokage hanging, now, would it?"

* * *

Tsunade was at the hotel bar. A bottle of sake half drunk in front of her. Her assistant – Shizune, wasn't it? – sitting at the table beside her, holding a pet pig. Kakashi was standing in front of them, slouching, hands inside his pockets. The three turned their gazes towards her, when she entered the bar.

"Nice of you to finally join us. I was about to send Hatake in search for you. Where have you been, girl?"

"By the smell of it, a bar." Kakashi mumbled.

"Also." Gohama agreed lightly, pointing a finger at him "But most importantly the Kazekage's office." The three tensed slightly at her comment. Gohama smirked, delighted by their reaction. They all knew what Gaara had wanted of her. "You wanted to see me?"

"What did he want?" Tsunade asked sternly.

"Gaara asked me to join Suna." Gohama explained nonchalantly.

Tsunade poured a full glass of sake and drank it in a swig. As she tried to refill it, her assistant held the bottle. The Hokage shot her a threatening glare and continued filling the cup. Gohama was enjoying their distress too much. Her resentment towards Tsunade was still prickling at her blood.

"And?"

"He has a very tempting offer." she pointed towards the pig "Can I pet him?"

"Girl, don't joke around this." her rage slipped through her tone. The deathly stare was enough to put Gohama in her place. "What does he offer you?"

"ANBU." Kakashi scoffed beside her. She crunched her brow in disregard. "What are you still doing here?"

"You're a genin."

"A chunin actually." Gohama corrected "But not if I'm Suna." she smugly added.

"Kyura" Tsunade called "Did you accept the offer?"

"No."

They didn't relax.

"Will you accept it?"

Gohama feigned a pondering look. "Well, it is a tempting offer. It's nice to feel appreciated for once. Besides, the Leaf hasn't been the most welcoming of places… I am technically Konoha now, but the rapport can't be only one sided. Phase Two did show the true colours of the Village.

Another sake shot. "You have to understand my need, as a Hokage, to make sure the Village is safe."

Gohama's coolness was starting to crumble, as she remembered the prying, the vulnerability, the pain. Tsunade wasn't even trying to negotiate for her place in Konoha.

"Was it worth it, _Hokage-sama_? Did you actually get any of the information you were looking for?" she remained silent at Gohama's accusing words "When I said you wouldn't, I wasn't lying. Using my own clan's secret serum on me." she hissed "You know the risks and still went for it."

The Hokage was silent, gripping the cup, but not out of anger.

"That is no way of talking to your Hokage." Kakashi admonished. Gohama ignored him, she continued her charges.

"If you truly thought I was a threat to the Leaf, you wouldn't have made me a Konoha kunoichi. Is the Leaf that desperate? Huh, Tsunade? Now that the last Uchiha defected and the nine-tails jinchuriki left, is the Leaf that desperate for the ten-tails? That's why you accepted me so easily, isn't it? You need the Kyura jinchuriki in your hands. You bet on me. Too bad I wasn't the winning number. And every lost bet comes with its costs."

"You're a Leaf shinobi now. You'll be considered a missing-nin to the Village."

Not one try at a respectful offer from Konoha.

"Do you actually think I would come back here, if I was thinking of accepting the offer?" Gohama asked amused. "Did you actually think I would say my goodbyes to you?"

All three of them seemed utterly confused. "Why didn't you?"

"I'm from Snow. Suna's too hot for me." Gohama took a stray cup from the table, filling it with sake. She downed the drink and sighed in pleasure. "Thanks for the drink." she said, as she turned around and left them.

Two pairs of eyes and a lone dark one stared at her fading back.

"What the hell just happened?" Tsunade asked loudly.

"Gohama just proved her loyalty to Konoha." Kakashi muttered quietly.

Tsunade started rambling with Shizune, entertained with filling her glass with alcohol again. The lone dark eye remained fixated on the bar's door, from where Gohama had disappeared. The so familiar heaviness settling on his chest and guts. It would have been best if Gohama had stayed with Suna.

* * *

Kakashi laid his forehead against the cold glass. He gripped the letter inside the pocket of his pants. He wondered how his dark-haired, green-eyed friend was doing. Praying probably, meditating. Kakashi had once gone to the Monastery to meet him. The place was beautiful, standing right beside a cliff onto a sea of boreal forest green. Tsukate must know by now about Gohama being a chunin. The newspapers following the Exam had been buzzing over the newfound heiress of the Kyura, with the thought long lost bloodline limit.

Kakashi hoped he could give some relief to his friend's burdened life. All Kakashi had been carrying Tsukate did an hundred times heavier. After watching Gohama's memories, he had witnessed his friends despair. And his niece's despair too. No matter how much he had lost himself, Kakashi would never be able to comprehend the full extent of their own loss. Maybe assuming Sasuke was the same as his young self was what had led him to fail him so miserably. The ones he loved had died, but he still had the ones he knew, the ones he saw in his daily life. Even if he had never even talked to them, they were still a part of his life just by crossing his away on the streets of Konoha. With Sasuke most of those people had died with the Uchiha, with Gohama and Tsukate all of them were gone. He could never truly understand that pain. He hoped he never would.

The door opened and Tsunade entered. "Finally, you're the one kept waiting." she said victoriously. She sat on her desk and Kakashi moved away from the windows to stand in front of the Hokage. "So, you wanted to see me."

"First I wanted to thank you for accepting Sakura as your apprentice. She won't let you down, Tsunade-sama."

"I sure hope not. Are you here to talk about Haruno?"

"I was wondering if you had already assigned a team to Kyura Gohama."

"I have a few possibilities in mind, but not yet. Why, Hatake? Have you gained a soft spot for teaching? For the girl maybe?" she asked with an arching eyebrow.

"Oh no…" he said rubbing the back of his head "I think my inability as a sensei has been proven enough. I have an option for a team."

"Go ahead…"

"Giranai Hansuke." Kakashi laid the file he had requested on Tsunade's desk. She read it while he spoke "They're only a three men team with an open slot. The others are also chunin. Hansuke is a great shinobi that can challenge her. I trust him with my life."

"You want to put a Kyura and Hyuga in a team together?"

"I think Hansuke can handle the… disagreements…"

"By disagreements you mean the centuries old brotherly hate between two clans?"

"Yes."

Tsunade closed the folder and let it fall onto her desk. She leaned against her chair and pondered, while scrutinizing the Copy Nin. "Why do you worry so much about the girl, Kakashi?"

"You know why." he answered quietly.

"All right." the Hokage said, gathering the paperwork in front of her "I'll talk with Giranai. This was also one of my options."

Kakashi bowed and left the room. He hoped this wouldn't put a burden too great on Hansuke.

* * *

_(1) Couldn't help but make a small reference to the film_ Gladiator.


	7. I - Chapter 6

Part I | Chapter 6

* * *

The sun was just rising above the canopy of trees. The Village was still asleep when Gohama took off for the training grounds. Her path across the rooftops allowed her to watch the sunrise slipping through a veil of soft dawn mist. It was a calming sight, but Gohama's was anxious, which translated on a restless stomach. Only yesterday, an ANBU had found her on her way to lunch. The sole information he communicated was to be at the training ground 9 by 6:30. It was obvious she was going to meet her team.

For the past week, Gohama had spent her days completing D-rank missions, simple tasks inside Konoha. One or two missions a day had given her enough time to arrange her new apartment. The price had already been fully paid which left the previous owner extremely pleased. She had even offered to pay for moving, however Gohama had nothing but a backpack. The son of the old lady that used to live there was the one to arrange the business. Gohama never did meet the woman. They were civilian and the building was mostly civilian. She had picked it because of that and the view. She didn't feel like enduring the prying and gossipy looks of ninja. Some civilians knew who she was by now, but no one really cared.

Except for the kitchen, it was unfurnished. Gohama bought a long sectional sofa, a coffee and dining room table, a nightstand and a bed. She didn't need anything more and, if she did, she would buy it later. Then she filled her closet with new ninja clothes and some civilian ones, formal and informal. In the monastery, there had been little need for a replenished closet, so she had brought little with her. When a child, with all the diplomatic formalities, it was important to have a quality piece for every occasion. In fact, one of her lessons with Keiko-san, her governess, was too learn about different types of fabrics and toilettes reserved for each event. Besides, her clan valued and followed several rituals and ceremonies exclusive of the Kyura. The Kyura were a clan of tradition and symbolism. Her favourite task had been to buy a kimono. Gohama loved the beauty of the traditional costume. As a child, it meant boring ceremonies. Now, the sole act of dressing up was exciting. She ended buying a deep blue kimono with small white flowers and twigs that reminded her of Mother.

By the end of the week, with everything settled in, missions and training were all that was left to entertain her. Even if the last were boring, it meant having something to do, instead of wandering around in a foreign Village in idleness. Most times, Iruka was the one to receive her reports. The general hostility hadn't stopped him from being nice to Gohama. He had congratulated her on becoming a chunin and expressed his confidence in her skill. To which she couldn't help but blush awkwardly. She never did learn how to accept compliments. When Gohama flirted slightly just to tease him, it was his time to blush and stuttered endearingly. He asked her about trivial things and recommended the best places to eat in Konoha. They small-talked every time and it was nice. It was nice that Iruka made an effort in welcoming her to the Village. Gohama wasn't looking for anything more than their simple exchanges and neither was him. The next time she would see him, Gohama would tell him about her new team.

Her reverie halted when she arrived to the training ground 9, a wide meadow surrounded by trees, like most fields there. Under one of the trees, at the periphery, was a shinobi. Gohama approached him with her chakra flaring, not wanting to startle him. He was the only one on time. Her heart started beating faster as she neared him.

As her main objective was to gain experience and become a better kunoichi, first she needed her team to be strong and challenging. However, she still wanted to get along with them. The next years, may they be few or many, where going to be spent with those other three ninja, they had to be at least tolerable. The shinobi, probably her age, was propped against the tree, eyes closed and face turned towards the shy warmth of the sun. His skin was pale, features gentle and harmonious, almost feminine. He had long black hair tied in a braid that fell to the side of his shoulder onto his chest. When Gohama stood before him, he straightened his position and opened his eyes. No pupil. The purest of lavenders.

Gohama chuckled bitterly. "Hyuga." she acknowledged.

"Kyura." he responded with a nod.

The anxiety in her stomach gave place to a tense irritation. They had decided it was, somehow, a great idea to put a Hyuga and Kyura together. Gohama had never met one of them. Her personal hostility wasn't actually justified. She could see in the way he tensed when he saw her, that he felt the same. The two clans had always hated each other. While, with the Uzumaki, it was simply a rivalry for skill, meshed with respect and antagonising, with the Hyuga it was a rooted animosity stirring since the beginning of their clans.

The legend said one of the ancestors of ninja possessed the purest of chakra, enabling him to control it out of pathways and see the pathways themselves. He had two children, a boy and a girl, both with their father's powers. They had always competed for their father's love and power, jealousy and enmity brewing in them over the years. One day a trivial argument grew into an almost fatal battle. As a lesson, the father used a forbidden jutsu, taking away the boy's ability to manipulate chakra outside pathways and the girl's ability to see the pathways. He hoped his children would learn to cooperate and complete each other in battle and life. This only created more hate and division. Children turned against the father and finally collaborated into killing him. After such hideous action, war surged between two factions, one led by the boy, the other the girl. They fought for the kingdom that had belonged to their father. The war continued onto their grandchildren. A treaty was signed: the two factions were to leave the kingdom into a new land. The boy's faction settled in the Land of Fire, the girl's faction in the Land of Snow.

The enmity of siblings always scorched redder, entrenched deeper. It had flowed from ancestors to descendants. The same resentment and hate of war, of a peace-less armistice, of a forced exile from centuries before flowed now through the veins of the two shinobi, standing face-to-face, clan to clan.

In all the minutes they waited together, they never shared a word. Gohama sensed a chakra shadow coming towards them. A powerful one, she had sensed it before, but couldn't put a face to the feel. He landed behind her. His strong and steady chakra involving her. Earth and water.

"Good thing I got here before you killed each other." the deep, smoky voice joked, as he walked to stand beside them.

She had seen him before, been introduced even. Definitely the same brown-haired, hazel-eyed jonin. What was the name Kakashi had said…?

"Sorry I'm late." he said to her "It's nice to see you again, Gohama. I'm the team's sensei, Giranai Hansuke." That was it, Hansuke. "Have you two introduced yourselves?"

Both Kyura and Hyuga just stared at each other. Hansuke sighed.

"Well, Gohama, this is Kisamaru; Kisamaru, this is Gohama." they nodded "Before we go any further, I have to start by asking you to please keep stupid clan riva—"

"Stupid?" she scowled, her arms crossed, eyebrow raised.

"Yes, stupid." he insisted "do you actually know each other? The only reason you act like this is because you were raised to hate—"

"This isn't just about clan rivalry, sensei." Kisamaru said defiantly.

Hansuke gave him a meaningful look, that Gohama couldn't see, and the Hyuga stood back. So, they didn't want her in their team. Nothing she didn't expect. Hansuke then turned towards her again, changing the subject, but never making eye contact. She supposed he was shy. He didn't seem entirely comfortable, his right hand shoved onto his pocket, the left one playing with his leg pouch.

"Hayashi Nikato should still take a while. He's always late. Congratulations for making into chunin, by the way. Well, I can start telling you about the team. We've been Team 9 since Kisamaru and Nikato were about twelve, so four years. The both of them are chunin, maybe for three, two years now. Kisamaru is our medic-nin. We usually take B-rank missions, some C-rank if we're needed, sporadically an A-rank. Any questions so far?"

Yes, why couldn't he look her in the damn eyes? All the fidgeting between the crown of her head, her mouth and the background was making her uncomfortable too. Gohama shook her head. As he kept talking, she studied them better. He was tall, strong, with broad shoulders, but still lean. Kisamaru was slimmer, with less muscle mass. It made sense considering the taijutsu style of the Hyuga. While Kisamaru was neat, with carefully arranged clothes and hair, Hansuke had his green flak jacket open and a somewhat careless feel. Maybe his tousled hair contributed to that look. They were both right-handed. Kisamaru had lightning nature, but Hyuga almost never used nature-based jutsu. Hansuke had earth and water, and underdeveloped fire.

"Gohama?" Hansuke called.

She snapped her eyes to his, finally getting a glimpse of its hazel. "I'm sorry?"

"I was asking how you've been liking Konoha so far?"

"It's nice, lively. The food and the weather aren't too bad."

Honestly Gohama didn't know what else to answer. She had experienced little of the Village, besides taking missions, training and getting take-out.

"Coming from Snow, I can see how summers here must be a little tough. Good thing it's almost Autumn." he commented with a kind smile. "Nothing more to add?"

The people are awful to her and she's just here to become a better ninja and then leave.

"Interesting rooftops…"

"Rooftops…?" he asked amused.

"The colours."

"Ah. I guess I never really thought about that. I can see why it's weird."

With that comment, the conversational topic ended. The three stayed in an awkward silence because no one really had much more creativity for small talk. Kisamaru turned back to his previous position. Hansuke supported his weight on his left leg and balanced from side to side while taking a particular interest on the grass at his feet. Gohama could see his frown. He was probably realising how terribly this whole invasion to his team was going to be. She was ready to jump onto a tree branch when he broke the quiet:

"How was your training? So I can get an idea of what I'm dealing with."

"I don't need a sensei."

"I'll be the one leading the team and filling your ninja stats profile, previous training info is important." he explained matter-of-factly "Even if I'm not teaching you anything."

Gohama relented against her pride. He did make a valid point. "During my time at the monastery or before? "

It was still difficult for her to say the name of her Village aloud.

"Both."

Gods, that was a lot of remembering, a lot of sharing for her. "The typical."

He raised an eyebrow and smirked amused. He knew she was avoiding answering, but kept pushing. Gohama could understand it was important for him to know, but it was too difficult for her to share her past in the Arms.

"And what was the Arms and monastery typical?"

She clutched her eyes close, tilted her head up, pondering about what she should and should not say. A chakra signature appeared in her field. She opened her eyelids.

"The other one is here."

"What?" Hansuke asked.

"Nikato, wasn't it?"

"Yes, but I—" he finally sensed him and turned his head towards his course. The distance was rather impressive for a regular nin, Gohama conceded to him internally. He turned back to her and gave her a soft smile "The Kyura's sixth sense. That's one thing to add to your profile. Distance?"

"Doesn't it defeat the surprise factor to have all my abilities laid out?"

"It does. But the file is confidential and I don't see why there's any reason to hide your abilities from your team leader and Hokage. At least I hope there isn't." he playfully added with a smirk.

Gohama let an imperceptible defeated smile take over her lips. She quickly corrected it, not bothering to answer Hansuke and his annoying and reasonable counterarguments. Nikato would arrive at any second.

The first thing Gohama noticed about the approaching shinobi was his lurid, almost a pure orange, ginger mane. How he managed to be stealthy, even at night, was a mystery to her. When he settled beside them, she focused on his wide black eyes that studied her back with bitterness. He was shorter than the other men were, but slightly taller than she was. His pose was chaotic, from his muddled wavy hair, to his untucked, un-ironed shirt and his mismatched socks, peeking from pants too short. He looked as if he had just rolled out of bed, which was probably the case.

"Not as late as I thought you would be, Nikato." Hansuke commented. "I introduce you our new teammate, Kyura Gohama" he then gestured his opened palm towards him and added "Hayashi Nikato."

She nodded, but he didn't acknowledge her, apart from the hostile glare.

"I see you're still grumpy from an early morning." Hansuke tried to ease the obvious unwanted feel falling onto Gohama from the other two, maybe even himself. "This isn't so bad." the three scoffed and he couldn't help but chuckle "In terms of training structure." he clarified "We've been training the development of another chakra nature. As Gohama has affinity to every nature" Nikato let his expression slip for a second, when his eyebrows shot up in surprise "she won't need this training. So the two of us are going to spar, while the two of you continue where we left off yesterday. Spread out." he ordered them.

Gohama watched as her new teammates slowly walked to the other side of the field. The redhead one was even blunter in his dislike for her. Who would have thought?

"Will you tell me the distance now?" he asked, his arms crossed.

She turned to unsuccessfully meet his gaze, still pinned to the background beside her face. "200 meters if I'm not focused. 300 meters focused. It lowers between walls depending on the material. Only chakra absorbent ones can completely cut my perception."

"Thank you, Gohama." he said with an understanding smile. He did seem to smile a lot.

The gratitude had been unexpected. She pondered a bit as they walked away from the periphery. "If I put my chakra into it, I can sense into a few kilometres. I have to block my other senses, though."

"I imagine that has some side effects."

"A massive head rush during and after from the overload of sensations, which leaves me vulnerable. Almost fell off the Kazekage tower from fainting and vertigo. It also costs me a third of my chakra, which is a lot in terms of average shinobi."

Hansuke stopped and she copied him. "You're very certain of your position above the average." he teased.

"Aren't you?" she asked cockily.

"I haven't seen you fight. A bloodline limit means nothing if you can't use it."

He really was annoying. Gohama was about to retort when her clan's name popped out from the other conversation and she automatically turned her focus towards them. From the redhead's frustrated and agitated gestures and the Hyuga's silent approvals, it was obvious they were ranting about her.

"Get to work, you two!" Hansuke yelled, they obeyed with reluctance.

Hansuke's eyes lingered on them to make sure his command had been followed. He glanced to the floor and sighed. Then, for the first time since she had met him, his gaze held her own. They stayed like this for a moment, Hansuke accessing the right words, Gohama waiting for them to finally come out.

"They'll come around. It's been a couple of years just the three of us. It's good that you're part of the team now. They just can't see it yet…"

His look wavered to the side, again, wistful. Gohama understood now. She shifted on her legs, the moment was making her uncomfortable.

"You don't have to worry about my feelings, _sensei_." she added a mocking tone to his honorific.

"Good. Less work then." he playfully replied with a lopsided smile, as he settled on a fighting stance, meeting her eyes again.

Gohama's expression showed her amusement at his comeback, but it wasn't enough for her to smile.

"Oh, don't you think I'll go easy on you, just because it's my first day." she followed his lead and readied for the spar.

"I hope not. I have a profile to compose. Let's start with taijutsu." he lunged towards her.

Gohama easily avoided his first attack and the next that followed. He was still testing her out, seeing what her capacities were and adjusting his level to that.

"I hope you're not going easy on me, _sensei_."

"You offend me with your sarcasm." he complained with a wounded tone.

Now, it was time for Gohama to attack. She sprinted towards him, aiming a kick to his head. He blocked it with his forearm and grasped her leg, trying to take her down. Predicting this, Gohama pulled that leg forcedly, while her hands supported her on the ground, using the impulse to kick him with the back of her other foot on his ribs. Her hit landed. She twisted her hands in the soil, spinning, so she could free herself from his hold and stand up with ease. Gohama never waited for him to recover, which he did quickly enough to block and evade her blows.

Hansuke indulged longer in the already fast rhythm of their fierce dance. She could see by the easiness of his movements that he could bring the fight higher. It both frustrated and excited her. Gohama hadn't had a good taijutsu confront since leaving the Snow. During the chunin Exam, it had been mostly ninjutsu-based battles. Hansuke, as most shinobi, was all firmness and muscles, nevertheless, his movements were graceful and agile, mesmerising almost. His strength completed the perfected technic. There were no sloppy, unthoughtful moves, so there were no openings in his defence for Gohama to exploit. She tried hitting harder, faster, smarter. Each time she pushed on and raised the level, he followed suit. She had been too entrenched in the fight, and hadn't even noticed when her other two teammates stopped to watch them. All the anxiety and hurt from the first impression of her new team had vanished. It didn't matter the weather, the people, the village. This was why Gohama had come to the Leaf. She could truly move forward here.

"You lead now." she panted.

He conceded. The pace became too swift for Gohama's skill, still she held her position and fought back. Taking an unforgiving hit to her side, she almost lost her footing in a fatal way. Hansuke gave her time to compose herself. Through training ground 9, ragged grunts and groans, mostly feminine ones, spread. The sound of quick and heavy steps breaking through the shallowing grass, accompanied the hisses of whipping kicks and punches. Gohama had managed to hit back a few times, letting a victorious smirk settle on her lips each time. It was not enough, though. Her limbs were drained and, although the frustration strengthen her persistence, she couldn't prevent herself from making mistakes, or slowing her dodges, and weakening her blocks. Soon, Hansuke, satisfied with the length of the fight, managed to grip her wrist, Gohama too slow to escape. He twisted her arm onto her back and kicking the back of her knees. Her chest fell onto the hard ground, Hansuke pinning her legs by sitting on them.

"Guess, the _sensei_" he copied her tone "wins."

Gohama, uselessly, tried wriggling out of his grasp. "Okay, you can let go now."

He didn't concede. "Are you hurt?" he asked seriously.

"With you crushing me, probably."

He eased his weight on her, rising to his knees beside her thighs, his shins pressing against the back of her knees. Her hand still glued to her back.

"It's petty of a jonin to humiliate a fresh chunin after a win."

"Kisamaru!" he called "I'm not trying to humiliate you, I want to make sure you're not injured." The Hyuga approached them, followed by Nikato. "Check her for injuries."

"What? No!" Gohama shrieked and wiggled with more resolve "I'm not hurt, I don't need to be probed."

Hansuke ignored her and motioned with his head for Kisamaru to start. "Her ribs first." he ordered. The Hyuga refused to obey. "Clan rivalries are so petty…" he commented to himself "I gave you an order, Hyuga. Check her ribs."

Because Gohama kept squirming, he sat back on top of her and pressed his hand to her back, stilling her as best as he could. The Hyuga pressed his own glowing hands to both sides of her ribs.

"Do you have any idea of what this looks like?" she growled.

A minty coolness spread through her ribcage, halting the insistent ache. It then slid all across her body. Gohama had forgotten how both invasive and soothing medical chakra was. And the Hyuga seemed to have a gentle and skilled chakra control. Hansuke directed his head towards the medic.

"Just a small fracture on a rib." the Hyuga explained.

The jonin rose from her. She carefully straightened her arm and winced at the soreness. She turned around and lay on her back, twisting her wrist and her shoulder. He extended a hand to her and smiled apologetically "I had to make sure you got healed, sorry."

When Gohama didn't take his helping hand, forcedly he held hers and pulled her into a standing position.

"Let's go get a drink." Hansuke proposed.

"It's 9 in the morning." Kisamaru said with a hint of outrage.

Hansuke gave him a heavy pat on the back. "It's never too early for a drink with your friends."

"But for mere acquaintances it is."

Hansuke ignored Gohama's comment. "Come on, you boring people, let's go."

"I don't feel like getting a drink." Nikato grumpily protested.

"Since when don't you feel like getting a drink?"

"Since today."

Gohama understood the reason for the two boys' reluctance. She really wasn't looking forward to forced socialization today. The first meeting had been more than enough, for an entire year perhaps.

"You three can go. I have things to take care of." Gohama lied, as she walked away.

A hand clasped onto her forearm. She turned with an arched indignant eyebrow, changing her gaze from the grip onto Hansuke. He didn't relent to her defiant glance. Probably because he had gone back to avoiding eye contact. Only when fighting had he the guts for that.

"It's an order. As the team leader, everyone is hereby ordered to have a drink."

They all mumbled in defeat and started running towards the bar area behind Hansuke.

* * *

It was the first bar Gohama had entered in Konoha. She preferred to enjoy her alcohol alone, much like everything else. In the monastery, she relished herself in the hidden stash of the monks. Only five of them knew where it was hidden. They thought they could hide it from a ninja, it was sweet somehow. Maybe they didn't care as long as she kept her drinking to herself. The first time she had entered the musty cellar, surprise and amusement made her actually laugh aloud. In the sheer quantity, it was certain the monks enjoyed their liquor, a lot, a little too much for spiritual men. Her journey through beverage tasting started that day. She had been thirteen. At first, she had preferred red wine, but as she began accustoming herself to alcohol, scotch had become her ultimate favourite.

In the first year, she had been extremely rigid and meticulous about governing her drinking. The first night she had gotten drunk, she had gotten truly smashed. It was the first anniversary of the Massacre after she discovered the simple pleasure of alcohol. Stealing a bottle of scotch, she went to the gardens to soak on her grief and drink. Being drunk did sooth. At a point, she could almost pretend the ones she lost where in her, beside her, present again. The terrible retching that followed helped her forget the interior nausea of pain. The next day was worst. Uncle had brought her to her room when he found her sprayed by the petunias, puke dirtying the soil. He had reassured her no other monk knew about it. It hadn't eased the shame. Gohama felt so ashamed of her weakness, of her decadence. She had felt worthless. The absence of loss drawing more deeply. Her Village, her Clan, her Family weren't worthy of such pitiful heiress. Since that night, she had never let herself fall into that bottom again. A drunken, conscious stupor was her limit and she followed her boundaries dutifully.

"Yes?" Gohama asked, aware she was being spoken to.

"Your drink?" Hansuke repeated with a kind smile.

She turned towards the waiter. "Scotch."

"You start strong." he commented.

"It's what I like to drink." she justified as if it was obvious.

"I'm not judging, it's just an observation. It doesn't surprise me, though. You're definitely a scotch person."

"You've known me for two hours…"

"Well, yes, but I fought you. Your taijutsu is like a nice scotch, Gohama."

Gohama raised her eyebrows in confusion and couldn't help but smile. The gaze settled on her chin raised to her eyes and he also smiled. Was she that weird she thought that was a flattering compliment? Even if she didn't understand what the comparison meant.

"Is that what you'll write on my profile?"

"Followed by better served on the rocks." Cheesy quip.

"You're speaking a whole other language." Nikato breathed a bothered mutter. His sprawl left him with his bottom at the edge of the seat and his legs stretched out. Chin glued to his chest.

"Gohama's from the Land of Snow." Hansuke explained with a teacher tone. The redhead looked as clueless as before "Rocks means ice." he added.

He nodded in understanding, not actually caring.

"I was thinking we could do a little drinking game. Break the ice, get to know each other. Truth or drink, okay?"

"How old are you exactly, _sensei_?" Gohama mocked.

"Twenty-two and two weeks, exactly, _Go-chan_."

Nikato seemed to find diminutive amusing.

"Call me that again and you'll regret it." she threatened with a sweet smile.

"Threatening your superior is considered insubordination."

"Very worrisome." she deadpanned.

While Kisamaru continued just as passive aggressive as during the training, Nikato stood straighter from his near laying slouch and said with a mischievous glint, "We'll play." he nudged his teammate and shared a look Gohama wasn't privy to the meaning of.

The drinks arrived. They had to wait for another beer for her, she refused to waste whiskey on a game. It took too long to arrive. Hansuke had well naturedly offered to share his. That felt weirdly intimate so she declined. They kept themselves in an awkward silence waiting for the drink.

"You're uncharacteristically quiet, Nikato." Hansuke said bouncily with a hint honesty.

When they were finally ready to play, the two boys glanced at her, mischief lighting their features. How they underestimated her tolerance for alcohol.

"I'll start." Nikato said cheerfully "Kyura. Were you there on the day of the massacre?"

Gohama took a sip. She controlled her impulse to knock his head on the table. Hansuke, thankfully, did that for her. He howled and mumbled something between the lines of abuse and taking advantage of the teaching position.

"Gohama" Hansuke started "Go-to weapon."

"Tanto."

"How arrogant _were_ the Kyura? – Kisamaru blurted out, right after she had finished speaking, careful to press on the past tense.

"Much less than the Hyuga. Hyuga, how's the branch family?"

He sipped sheepishly.

"Okay. Enough." the sensei intervened "Only inoffensive questions. Who doesn't respect that, bottoms up."

"Men or women?" Nikato asked her, innuendo more than stressed.

"Wouldn't you like to know that?" she smirked provocatively and sipped.

"Favourite drink?" Hansuke to Gohama. She raised her glass of scotch.

"Favourite chakra nature." Kisamaru was following sensei's orders.

"Lightning. How's your boyfriend, Nikato?"

The ginger was ready to lash out – of course he would get childishly riled up with that question – when a strong hand pushed his shoulder down and him back onto his seat.

"How did you survive?" He retaliated.

"Bottom's up." Hansuke ordered and he obliged. Gohama sipped.

"Why Konoha?" Hansuke was also getting bold with his questions. Gohama sipped.

"Did you fuck Inuzuka?" Nikato pushed, disregarding the order. Kisamaru turned red and avoided looking at her. So, the gossips had turned that way.

"Fucked him up." she corrected.

"Did you abandon your Village?" the redhead asked with no mercy.

Sip.

"How was your great clan slaugh—"

"What was her name?" Gohama cut his cruel question.

"What?"

"Of your dead teammate."

He stood up and grabbed her by her collar. "How do you dare talk about her!? You're not welcome in this team. Hansuke-sensei is only doing this shit because of orders. Fuck you Kyura and your dead Village!"

Goaham finally snapped. She shoved his nose onto the table, cracking it. Blood started tainting the wood. "Talk about my Village again and I'll rip your tongue out." she whispered sinisterly onto his ear. Raising herself, she looked at Hansuke "This was a nice try, _sensei_."

She left in a swirl of snowflakes.


	8. I - Chapter 7

Part I | Chapter 7

* * *

After a month, team 9 would have their first mission with Gohama. They had met for training four times a week. During the first few days, Kisamaru and Nikato, for the better of team relationships, trained alone their chakra moulding, Gohama sparred with Hansuke. The second day had focused on ninjutsu. She performed jutsu from the most elementary to the most advanced, as Hansuke had asked her. With his water, earth and fire jutsu, Hansuke had only managed to win due to experience in battle. He admitted that his own ninjutsu skill was lower than hers was. The next day, a genjutsu fight. This one Gohama had easily won, as she had expected. Due to her special training with Osamu-hanshi in the Arms, she had gained an extraordinary ability to detect and free herself from most genjutsu. Since a toddler, she had been summited to virtual scenarios that would help her control and support the power inside her, for it was too reckless to let a child free such raw power with a fragile body and mind. Even with her small arsenal of genjutsu – only interrogation ones, needed for investigating her Village's massacre – Gohama had won by taunting Hansuke mentally and physically until he yielded. Whatever mind jutsu he set on her never had any effect. The following three days consisted of a mix of all jutsu type, including weapon handling and target practicing. She never used her bloodline limit and he never did ask her to. Gohama supposed it didn't fit in any stat of a ninja profile, so he didn't need to test it.

By the end of the first week, Gohama was sore but a sense of accomplishment kindled her spirit. In the monastery, it had been long lost and she had reached a stagnant point in her improvement. Now, she could pacify the uncertainty of her decision to leave the Snow. With the other two, the Hyuga had managed to make a simple water moulding justsu. Nikato had only glinted a few sparks with his breath. Hansuke had found it worthy of a celebratory drink. Gohama had said she had business to attend to and nobody tried to convince her this time.

After the drinking game fiasco, Gohama hadn't shared a word with any of her teammates, except for Hansuke. The redhead's nose was still swollen and purple, which meant their sensei had forbidden Kisamaru from healing it. At least Hansuke contributed with a little sense of respect to Team 9. Now, after a month of seeing each other almost every day, their team remained with the same tension and animosity; even if it was mostly one-sided. It was obvious Hansuke had given up on forcing a healthy dynamic between the three. Besides some comments while sparring, she didn't speak to the other two and they didn't speak to her. They resented her for filling the position of their dead teammate and Gohama didn't care.

Hansuke was hesitant about taking a mission with a divided team, even if it was a simple courier job to Sand, C-rank. Why a whole four-man team was needed hadn't gone unnoticed. Tsunade had probably assigned a basic mission for safety reasons. Having them get used to work with each other without compromising themselves and the Village.

Gohama arrived at the front gate with perfect punctuality. Kisamaru was the only one there. The same had happened during their trainings. First was the Hyuga, then the Kyura, followed by Hansuke and last, by long minutes, Nikato. The two would acknowledge each other with a hateful look and then ignore their mutual existence, while they both waiting for the others. This morning was no different from the other days.

The team set out through the trees right after Nikato arrived. Kisamaru would be the one carrying the scroll. Formation diamond shaped, Hansuke led them, Gohama and Nikato on the sides, and Hyuga took the rear. The journey until their first resting camp went smoothly. It was good to know the team could be professional during missions. At sun down, they settled near a small stream. Hansuke had assigned them their tasks. The redhead and she were to set the camp.

"I assemble the tent." he said "You start the cooking."

"I have to wait for the wood. I'll help you with that."

"I don't need nor want your help, Kyura."

Gohama shrugged. She could do nothing about his immature and resentful behaviour. Irrational really. Gohama had little fault over the death of their teammate, she had also no say on which team she was invading. Everything would have been simpler if only Kakashi had accepted training her. She waiting for Hansuke to set the perimeter and gather the wood.

"Why aren't you working, Gohama?" he asked when he arrived.

She leaped from a branch. "Had nothing to do. Now I have."

She took the firewood from his arms and gathered it on the ground. With a simple jutsu, the fire was burning. Another jutsu and the pot was filled with water. Noodles for dinner. They sat around the fire while eating. Nikato was more talkative, but, as expected, only with Hansuke and Kisamaru. Gohama wasn't interested in maintaining a conversation, so it was all the better for her.

"Gohama?" she hummed in acknowledgment "This is your first mission outside the Village, no?"

Hansuke was trying to bring her into the conversation. The other two had nurtured a sudden fascination with their noddle bowl.

"No. I did an escort to a town close to the Leaf."

"Solo?"

"Solo."

"As a genin that's impressive."

"It was simple, just accompanying a child. Came back the same day."

"Then I guess it's your first time camping. I hope Nikato doesn't keep you up with his snoring."

The redhead scoffed. "Like I care."

"You should care. A sleepless night lowers reflexes. If a teammate is down the whole team suffers. Have you learnt nothing for these past years?" his tone was that of a reprimanding sensei. He was a sensei to the other two, it made sense he had mastered the tone.

"No need to worry about that, Hansuke." Gohama said as she took the plates from each one of them.

"That's disrespectful." the Hyuga admonished "If you don't recognise him as your teacher, at least do as a superior, captain or senior."

"An honorific means nothing. It doesn't alter my skill as a kunoichi or teammate."

"It's about propriety."

"Propriety doesn't make good shinobi, it doesn't do shit in the field."

"Respect and honour are important in the shinobi code."

"And yet you've shown me none."

"You don't deserve it." Nikato asserted.

"Why?" the three stayed quiet for a while "This is a genuine question. Why? Because I was assigned by the Hokage to this team? Is that why I don't deserve any respect?"

"You smashed my nose on a table!"

"It had started before that. Actually, your complete disrespect over my Village was what made me smash your nose. You can resent me all you want. I don't care. But please do it internally. We have a mission." she started away "I'm going to clean thi—"

Her chakra sense tingled softly. The signatures were closer than her field. Jonin or higher, masking their chakra. She had already a kunai summoned onto her hand. "Four shinobi coming. Jonin level. Masking their chakra. 80 m."

There was no time to run. They would have to fight. Kisamaru activated his Byakugan. Hansuke was signalling them to hide on the trees, when recognition dawned on her.

"Wait!" she called. They did so. "Hatake Kakashi. One of them is Hatake Kakashi."

"How do you know?" Hansuke asked with doubt.

"I recognise his chakra."

"You sure?"

Gohama gave him a pointed glance and he chuckled and relaxed. The other two followed suit, but she still had a firm grip on her kunai. The four chakra signatures surrounded them high on the tree branches. With Gohama and the Byakugan, they no longer had the surprise element. Hansuke could also sense them easily, now that they were so close. Only Nikato continued oblivious.

"Come down and greet an old friend, Hatake." Hansuke called with mocking opened arms.

Kakashi landed in front of them, not a sound as his feet touched the ground. Sleeveless black shirt, grey armour, long gloves and a Kitsune porcelain mask painted in red. He was ANBU. The other three settled behind him. A snake, a bear and a cat. Kakashi was the Taicho.

"What the hell does ANBU want with us?"

Gohama's heart started beating fast. Where they here for her? Why would they be? Had the Hokage found something?

"Someone big is after the scroll. The mission is now A-rank. The Hokage assigned us as your backup."

"A whole ANBU squad?" Hansuke asked with an incredulous chuckle.

"Either there's something Kakashi isn't telling us, or Tsunade doesn't trust our workings as a team." Gohama commented.

The tallest and widest of the ANBU started walking towards her, Bear mask. Fire, Wind and Water chakra, aggressive and unruly. Gohama could feel the energy waves shoving through her front; he was boasting it. Bear stopped right before her, too close for comfort. She tilted her chin to gaze at him defiantly.

"I didn't know we would have the honour of meeting the Kyura girl." his rough voice betraying his hidden leer. "Such fiery eyes." he traced her jaw with the back of his fingers.

Gohama grasped his wrist and snatched it away. "Don't touch me."

"Get away from her." Hansuke ordered, his tone strict.

Bear scoffed. "You're out of your jurisdiction, Hansuke-sempai."

Sempai? If an ANBU treated Hansuke by that honorific, it had to mean he was also ANBU. They had no superiors, besides the Hokage, outside of their organization. That would explain his fighting skill and style.

"Do as he says." Kakashi intervened. His subordinate obeyed immediately, taking a few steps back. He looked back at Hansuke "This means we'll accompany you to Suna. You keep the scroll. We're just backup."

"Why would a "someone big" be after a C-rank mission scroll?" Gohama asked.

Kakashi turned his face to her, slightly tilting it to the side. "That's where the confidentiality part comes up, Gohama."

She shrugged and started walking away from the camp, dirty dishes in hand.

"Where are you going?"

"The stream." she explain while shaking the dishes on her hand.

"Clean them here. We can't afford to be separated."

"You do it, then, Kakashi." she said, throwing the tableware as disks towards him.

"My, my, on first name basis already. Know each other well?" Bear asked, innuendo clear.

"Kyura is on first name basis with everyone. " Kisamaru had meant to sneer on her lack of decorum, but it sounded like a harsher insult.

"Shut up, Hyuga. You're just too coward to stand up for yourself." Gohama retorted. "Honorifics just help keep all the branch Hyuga in their place."

Nikato raised himself, a pointing finger slicing the air, eyes raged. "You have no right to talk about the Hyuga! You talk about respect, but you don't respect us back!"

"When did I disrespect you?"

"When you took her place as if it was nothing! As if you could ever fulfil her stead!"

"Is this what it's all about? Your own childish grieving over the death of a teammate? Get over it. That's what shinobi do. They die."

"Like you could understand." Gohama's indifference washed over, her green eyes glowering. The rest of the nin tensed up. Nikato wavered for a moment, but pushed more. "You probably don't even remember losing your Vil—"

In an instant, Nikato was pinned to a tree, a thud and grunt echoing through the forest. The birds and insects turned quiet. She had him by the throat. His eyes wide, she could feel his speeding pulse through her forearm.

"Gohama." Hansuke called out. She ignored him.

"You think I don't remember?" she hissed "Do you think that's actually something someone can forget? Fucking Konoha. You talk about the Kyura but you're the ones that are so damn self-centred, so damn disrespectful."

"If you don't like us, leave." his voice was small, husky from the grip, hesitant.

"Unlike you, I can take annoying people if it means doing my duty."

Gohama loosened her grasp and he slid to the ground, coughing. She extended her arm in the direction of Kakashi, a field of chakra stretching through the distance and involving the dishes. She flicked her wrist in her direction and they were once again in her hands. Even in their defensive positions, no one had thought of stopping her from pointing chakra at the Copy nin. She left for the stream.

"I see why Tsunade-sama sent us." Bear commented with a chuckle.

* * *

Now, as Gohama scrubbed the dirty dishes with sand so the grease would come off easily, she wistfully remembered her life at the monastery. After seven years of almost solitude, dealing with other people could make Gohama absolutely exhausted.

At the monastery, she interacted mostly with Uncle. They trained together for at least four hours every day, however, there were little relationship complications during interactions as practical as training. From time to time, they would talk and socialise, none of them was a hermit. Still, Uncle Tsukate was a monk; the time he didn't spend training her, he spent praying, contemplating or doing chores; they talked little in terms of typical relationships, most of their time together was in silence. They were similar in that. For them, silent company was as comforting as speaking one.

Gohama also talked with monks, but very little. There were some that refused to acknowledge her existence, because she was a young girl and she had no place in a men's monastery. Others would only give her kind smiles and continue with their blissful existence. Her social life had been based on meaningless conversations with few old monks. Sometimes they shared some of their knowledge of life. Gohama had always found it hard to apply their teachings to her own life. But she appreciated their wise words. They seemed to come from an awareness of life above any plan Gohama intended to live on. Their mysticism was awe-inspiring, but it did not fit in her own existence. She saw herself as a practical person. Train to be the best and fulfil her duty. Her life had always been summed up to duty and that was a simple way that brought a complicated life. The monastery way of life was the simplest of paths, full in profundity and bliss.

Now, with all the team drama, he desperately needed a simple conversation about the perfected method of taking care of roses. Yamato-sensei talked about his roses with such love and affection it had never failed to warm Gohama's heart. He had his entire being in caring for his flowers. Gohama only dreamed of giving such devotion to her own duty.

Relationships were complicated and she was not used to nurturing them. Her social skills were meticulous and competent. As the heiress, she had needed to learn decorum and politeness. However, it could only bring her so far. A true relationship, especially with teammates, was rooted on trust not politeness. The Hyuga depended too much on honorifics, because his Clan used them to program the branch family. It was important for shinobi, since it defined through marked lines the chain of command, but it wasn't enough to make a working military. Gohama didn't trust any of her teammates and she honestly believed would never be able to. She would protect them, not because of affection, but simply because of her duty. Duty was powerful, but trust went further.

"Don't worry, I'm not dead." Gohama blankly said.

"It's impossible to sneak up on you, isn't it?" Gohama smiled smugly. She was kneeling by the stream, working on cleaning the plates. Kakashi settled behind her, hands shoved in his pockets. "You recognised my chakra. Even when I was hiding it."

"You don't need to feel self-conscious, Copy-nin. I do it with everyone."

"How does my chakra feel?"

"You're nature type affinity is to Lightning Release. You have Water, Earth, Fire, Wind, Yin and Yang Release. Jonin level. The personality, as the Kyura call it, is interesting: both wild and contained. But the last is probably something you forced." she tilted her head back to look at the white mask "Satisfied your curiosity?"

Gohama finished her task but wasn't ready to join the others. Kakashi felt the need to babysit her. If she had the energy to, she would complain about it.

"You do realise you could have been killed."

"When I attacked my teammate or aimed my chakra to you?"

"Both."

"You should be the one training me."

"Gohama…"

"I'm serious. It would probably be best for Konoha. They would have a capable three-man team and both of us would get the job done, without pitiful resentments in the way."

"I can see how the Hyuga and ginger are obnoxious, but Hansuke isn't so bad."

"He has this annoying thing where he can't make eye-contact, unless we're sparring. I suppose he's shy."

"_Shy_?" Kakashi asked staggered.

"I don't see any other possibility. He looks the other two in the eye." Gohama raised herself up "We should get back or they'll think we're doing something else other than running away from social interactions."

"I'm good here."

"Do as you wish. But I don't want to further taint my image with people thinking I fucked the Village pervert." she mocked.

"You have no shame in that tongue of yours."

Gohama raised her eyebrows and smiled at the possible interpretations. Kakashi seemed to realise it too late.

"Or m-mind." he added, but still couldn't hide his embarrassment.

* * *

Gohama had settled on a tree branch, her thoughts and eyes hazy with day dreaming about nothing in particular. The rest of the shinobi sat around the fire, sharing past missions and manly gossip. Bear was trying to impress her two teammates with gruesome ANBU stories and his conquests. He informed them that the uniform worked as a magnet, no woman could resist it. Gohama could agree with how some men looked appealing in it, its tight fitting and symbol showed-off strength and mystery and usually women were attracted to these, especially when accompanied by a perfectly fit and shaped body. It was, however, not enough to make women fall head over heels. Bear was the proof of this, unless you were into a cocky jerk with violent tendencies, he was repelling.

Gohama studied the men below her. The other two ANBU, beside Kakashi, did look attractive in their outfit, but nothing beat the Copy-nin. It wasn't only about his lithe and strong form, but his pose. As ANBU, his stance was surprisingly different from day to day life. Instead of laziness and slouching, he emitted prowess and menace, much more similar to the feel of his fierce chakra. Her gaze turned to Hansuke. He would definitely look irresistible in an ANBU uniform. Gohama found his larger frame to be the best proportionated of the men there. He was big but not enough to make her feel suffocated like Bear, on the contrary, it gave a sense of safety.

What the fuck was she thinking? Gohama had just spent too many minutes comparing and admiring male bodies. That didn't worry her much, she was only human, but since when had she started thinking of Hansuke as safe? That was the scary thought.

A bottle of whiskey had found a way through the campsite. Gohama decided it was time to drink. She dropped to the open space between Snake and Kakashi, snatching the bottle out of the former's hands.

"Oh, if I had known you'd join us for alcohol, I would have taken it out sooner." Bear teased.

"Shut up."

"So feisty. Tell us, as a woman yourself, how fuckable are ANBU?"

Gohama slid her eyes across the black ops operatives sitting by the fire. She gave Bear a coy smirk and eyed him up and down.

"Depends on the man wearing the uniform. In you, it doesn't help much."

Bear grunted in his rough voice and took the bottle, downing a generous amount.

"You're the only person besides Taicho that can keep Bear in his place." Snake commented with amusement beside her.

Gohama turned to study him fully. It was the first time he had spoken to her directly and she did consider what he had said a compliment. To have the same intimidation level as Hatake was remarkable. Strong chakra, typical of any ANBU, but it wasn't blatant like Bear or Kakashi, it creeped in on someone, hissing with its wind affinity, complemented with fire and earth. Gohama supposed they didn't chose the masks at random. With his chakra flow, he was probably specialised in genjutsu.

"I think that's any woman." Cat added.

They all laughed.

"Like _women_ could ever intimidate me." the word wasspat with scorn.

"What did you say, Bear-kun?" Gohama asked, her voice sweet and glare menacing.

"I said I could never be intimidated by women. They are physically weaker and coul—"

"Shut up." Gohama cut in fiercely.

"What, Can't hear th—"

"I said shut up." she barked.

He obeyed. Gohama closed her eyes, concentrating on her chakra awareness, her skin prickling with an eerie feeling. Then, the chakra shadow was close enough for her to sense it. She stood with urgency.

"About twenty shinobi are closing in on us. They're coming from all sides. About 200 m."

The rest of the group followed her. Kisamaru activated his Byakugan. Cat and Nikato seemed a bit too affected by the alcohol they had drank and the group hadn't even started fighting. This wasn't going to go well. It really had been incredible irresponsible of them to be drinking on a mission. Why had the ANBU gotten too comfortable? Weren't they expecting anyone?

"Mostly chunin level, some jonin. I guess you weren't lying." Gohama said lightly "I can sense the _someone big_. Lightning affinity, wind, fire and earth."

"The big one is mine. Disperse." Kakashi ordered.

They hid in the trees. At least, the enemy wasn't going to have the surprise effect. The enemy group arrived to a deserted, but still set up camp. There was no deceiving them. A part stood in the small clearing. The other circled it, preventing them from running away. Twenty-two missing-nin. Fourteen chunin, eight jonin. With ANBU there they could make it, the problem were her own teammates.

_The someone big_ started talking with a smug and amused tone. "Konoha-nin, no one has to get hurt. We just want the scroll." they didn't answer "Minamoto, how many?"

There was another sensing type.

"Seven. Two chunin, five jonin."

Gohama smirked, he couldn't sense her perfectly hidden chakra. Kakashi dropped to the ground, in front of the missing nin group. Hansuke did the same.

"Lin." Hansuke greeted through clenched teeth.

Hansuke had met the chief before. While the jonin wasn't happy, the missing nin seemed incredibly thrilled. His chakra rode through the air in electrifying waves, vicious and cocky.

"Oh my, look if it isn't Giranai Hansuke, the Void of Konoha." Gohama had never heard of his ninja cognomen. He was famous enough for one, which was impressive. "And, of course, the Copy Ninja. What a pleasure! I see you've become a sensei, Giranai. You always were too soft. And you did too, Hatake. But it didn't go so well with the Uchiha deserting and all. Your place has always been in ANBU.

"Maa, no matter how much I would like to catch up, we do have to get going." Kakashi mocked with his typical nonchalance "I wish I could say that it was nice seeing your ugly face again."

He pretended to leave when Lin spoke again.

"Not so fast, Hatake." his tone threatening "I'll have the scroll now."

Kakashi gave an exaggerated sigh. "This time we won't let you get away."

"Of course you won't. You'll be too dead to even try. Don't look into the fox's eyes and don't get caught in the brunet's earth dome. It absorbs chakra." he warned his men and signalled for them to attack.

That explained the name Void, his earth domes could drain the chakra from the enemies. A powerful jutsu.

The rogues encircling them closed in. One of the ANBU dropped to the ground to help Hansuke and Kakashi. Gohama stayed in the trees with the rest, fighting the inclosing enemies. She summoned her tanto, dispersing chakra around its blade. Evading thrown kunai and shuriken, she created five kage bushin that approached the enemy nin, jumping from branch onto branch.

The real fighting began. Gohama usually preferred a direct approach, but she decided it was more efficient to take advantage of the trees and remain stealthy. Her chakra signature was perfectly hidden, focussed on fighting her bushin, the rogues would never sense her coming. She pierced the first's heart with her tanto through his back and disappeared in an instant. The second died from a sliced carotid. The third a kunai to the forehead. Her kage bushin joined the battle below and she engaged the same strategy with the ninja fighting her teammates.

While Nikato was distracting an enemy with a taijutsu fight, she stabbed him through his back. With chakra-gilded weapons, the stench of burning flesh always accompanied the metallic of blood. Gohama pushed through the red tainting her pale hands. Next, she killed the one fighting Kisamaru. Always through the back. Her two teammates joined her in the killing of the last to confront them. The Hyuga blocked the chakra points in his arms, while Nikato exchanged blows with him, Gohama finished by thrusting her blade through his heart. Nikato and Gohama joined the others on the ground. Kisamaru, as a medic-nin, waited in the periphery. A team couldn't afford to have an injured or dead medic. Meanwhile, only two of her kage bushin remained.

Kakashi was fighting Lin. On the trees, Bear and Snake were battling five. There were seven missing nin left on ground level. Hansuke was handling four and Cat three. Gohama dispelled her bushin and went to help her team leader, Nikato the ANBU. The missing nin no longer stood a chance.

"Is that the Kyura girl?" Gohama heard a frantic and surprised shout. So, Lin had recognised her.

She could feel his signature approaching her; Kakashi's one trying to retaliate his advances.

"Come on, Hatake. I just wanna meet her, maybe fight a little. No. Actually, she's much better for something else."

The ninjutsu's on those two combat became increasingly greater. Gohama could sense Kakashi trying to contain the aftershock of jutsu that size in such a confined space as that small clearing. The Copy nin took a hard hit and flew across ground. The air from the wind release rushing through the trees, grass and Gohama's hair.

Hansuke stopped fighting. Gohama was ready to hit him with playful mocking when she realised why he was still. The Void of Konoha froze as he saw his student kneeling. A kunai tip pressed to his throat. The battle continued around him, but he was halted in time. His fear dripping from his eyes and mind. Gohama could only watch as she tried to kill her own opponents faster, preventing them from taking advantage of Hansuke's stupor and end him.

"Tell them to stand back or I'll kill him." Lin ordered.

Gohama wasn't the only one who had noticed Hansuke's dilemma. Kakashi chose for him. "Stand back!" he commanded.

The ANBU obeyed without hesitation, Gohama followed suit and so did Nikato. The missing nin, only six left, started grouping behind Lin, their positions taut, ready for an attack. How was the Hyuga stupid enough to get caught? It had been the sensory nin to discover him. Hyuga was the medic nin. He had the scroll. The Konoha shinobi stood together. Everyone tense.

"Give me the scroll or I'll kill your student, Giranai." Lin didn't know Kisamaru had the scroll. He was growing impatient. Most of his were dead. "I see, you choose his death."

He pulled the blade back a few centimetres to gain momentum. Her thoughts started working on a solution. Every possible scenario forming in her mind in mere seconds. She would see a teammate die on her first mission with him.

"Wait!"

He looked towards Gohama, with amused eyes.

"A Kyura is more valuable than a Hyuga." she asserted.

"Your point, girl?"

"I trade my place with him."

"This day gets better and better. The brother clans' reconciliation at last. A Kyura trading her life for a Hyuga. I very much accept. Take off your pouches and cloak."

"Gohama, what are you doing?" Hansuke asked as she gave him her cloak.

"He won't kill me right away."

She showed Lin she had nothing on her.

"All right, you can come."

"If you kill him, you lose your bargain chip."

Gohama started walking. A firm grip on her arm pinned her to the spot. "You're not going anywhere." Kakashi sternly said.

"You're not my team leader, you can't order me around." she refuted, while wriggling away from his grip.

"I'm you're superior. It's my job to order chunin around."

A crude laugh made them both look back at Lin. "Trouble in paradise?"

"Don't be jealous, Lin, it doesn't suit you."

"You're the one keeping me from going, Hatake. I'll use my chakra, so you better stand back, unlike Inuzuka did." she warned, searching in the dark holes of the mask for any understanding.

Gohama watched black tomoe swirling around a crimson iris. It was the first time she was seeing the Sharingan. For a moment, she lost herself in the disturbing eye. Its movements both captivating her with its power and mystery and forcing her to answer her basic instincts and flee. The most powerful kekkei genkai in the ninja world and there were only three people with it left, five eyes. Power always came with annihilation. The reluctant loosening of his hold pulled her back to the battlefield. She glanced over at Hansuke, who had his eyes fixed on the ground. He never did try to stop her.

Gohama turned her back to the Konoha nin. She straightened her shoulders and elongated her neck. Her graceful walk, full in majesty and poise. Her steps making no sound. The silence was expectant. The eyes of the men fixed on her flowing figure. When Keiko-san, her governess, had forced her to learn how to enter and pace a room, energized little Gohama had never realized how suitable it was for the ninja life. If Keiko-san knew about her use of "the walk", she would be either scandalised or proud. Honestly, Gohama couldn't imagine her governess truthfully. Her childish perception was certainly insulting, from what she could tell now, she had been a passionate teacher, perfectionistic and demanding. And those three characteristics, so loathed by young Gohama, allowed her now to walk towards the enemy nin, towards the chance of death, with the confidence and superiority of a queen, of the heiress of the Kyura.

She stood before Lin with the dignity of a girl, a woman, who had traded her life for her Hyuga teammate, renouncing to blind clan animosity. The enemy was the one pointing the kunai at her comrade. She was just Gohama and he was just Kisamaru. Lin threw him to the ground and he stayed there, hands clenching the soil below them. He stared upwards to her with wide eyes, she couldn't understand if it was fear or confusion. He just stared and wouldn't leave.

"What are you still doing here? Leave." she commanded.

The missing nin grasped her by her hair, pulling it back so he could better examine her face. This broke Kisamaru's frozen state and he ran to the Konoha side. The edge of a kunai rasped the skin of her neck. His leering gaze repulsed her, but she never wavered on her poised gaze and stance.

"Oh yes, much better than a Hyuga."

"Did you hear that, Kisamaru? He said it." she joked.

"So the rivalry isn't dead." he turned her towards the Konoha nin "Isn't she your student too, Giranai?"

Gohama scoffed, despite his rough manhandling. "I don't have a sensei."

He threw her towards the men behind him that locked her in place. Some of the filthy hands wandering to dangerous places. Despite common sense, she struggled against their invasion.

"Tonight we have gourmet dinner, boys. Unless..." he started turning towards her teammates "Giranai. Hatake. One more chance. The scroll or the Kyura heiress. It would really be a shame to have her porcelain skin covered in purple. You can understand how some men are, and I wouldn't stop my men from enjoying their own private pleasures."

"Don't you dare touch her!" Hansuke shouted.

Kakashi put a firm arm in front of his chest, trying to stop his rage.

She trusted her abilities completely. When she first shouted "Wait.", it had been only out of impulse, out of a need to prolong the choice, maybe even ease it. When she had made her walk, her darting heart imagined a risk much higher than reality. She was trading Kisamaru's life, but not for her own. She would not die. Gohama had the skill to complete the mission, but not alone. Her trust wavered when it came to the shinobi staring back at her, masks and hitai-ate's marking them. She hoped Kakashi was as smart as everyone thought he was and understood her next play. She hoped he had managed to put Hansuke on par. Then, she locked her eyes on Kakashi and he stared back, they confirmed their mutual complicity with a gaze. The enemy was done, Hatake knew that as much as her. She gave him a smug smirk.

Sharp scorching shot through all her pathways in an instant, making her entire body agonise. She couldn't grasp anything around her. She knew they had freed her, which meant they had fallen too, when she hit the ground limply. If it wasn't for the wide earthy support she lay on, Gohama would never have realised she had even collapsed. The pain from her chakra exploding from inside out dominated all her sensations. She couldn't force her head to tilt and confirm if the Leaf nin were alive. The sound of blades slashing through flesh, with no counter clash of metal, meant someone was dying without fighting. Then it stopped. She kept her eyes closed, trying to hold the pain, desperately waiting for it to stop.

Gohama could hear murmuring surround her, but the sound was too muffled for her to distinguish the words. She opened her eyes and was faced with a distorted brown haired man.

"I always forget… how much this hurts… " she wasn't sure if her words had even come out or died in her throat.

She gave into her exhaustion and closed her eyes.


	9. I - Chapter 8

Part I | Chapter 8

* * *

They were now in the Land of Wind. After the fight, they had decided to keep moving for the rest of the night and following day. The sun had already set; the rest of the team was still finishing their dinner while Hansuke kept vigilance. His gaze continued to flicker between the night's sky and the tent below him. Gohama hadn't woken up yet. Kisamaru explain there was nothing they could do except wait. The burst had completely crumpled her chakra pathways, which frightened the medic. However, after an hour he was surprised by how quickly they were healing without his help. Still, Hansuke couldn't help but be worried about her health and linger on his own guilt. Knowing he probably wouldn't have acted any differently, if he could go back, made everything worse. He would never have allowed the exchange if it was Nikato offering. His bonds with his students had clouded his judgement as a team leader. All his teammates should be equal and they weren't. He was failing as a team leader. Luckily, things turned out okay, but what would happen in another similar circumstance?

"Since when have you become so shy all of the sudden, Hansuke?" Kakashi asked playfully while clasping his shoulder and giving him a painful squeeze. He sat next to him on the rock.

"Have you been talking to Anko? I wasn't shy, I was more than reasonable."

"You missed a great educational night on snakes."

Hansuke snapped his head towards Kakashi, eyes wide, assessing if he was joking. He was serious. What could the animals even do? He banished the terrifying images out of his mind.

"You're fucked up, Hatake…" he whispered.

"Well… It was during ANBU." as simple as that it was justified.

"Good think we both got out."

"You got out. I'm literally still wearing the uniform."

"You don't have to."

"I do what Konoha asks me to."

"There are things that shouldn't be asked."

"And there are things that shouldn't be said." Kakashi warned him.

"Well, you were the one that disrupted my peace and quiet." his tone was carefree, not accusatory.

"You understand, though…?" Kakashi asked quietly, almost shyly. He did understand. "It's Gohama. That says you're shy."

"What?" Hansuke asked genuinely surprised.

He couldn't understand how she ever thought he was shy. Yes, he had been slightly awkward and uncomfortable around her, but not shy. He tried to be friendly and welcoming.

"She said she couldn't understand the deal about you not making eye-contact. Except when sparring. So she assumed you were shy. Shy." he stressed.

Both started chuckling in amusement. When it died out, a serious quiet settled. Hansuke had had trouble looking into her eyes. They reminded him of things he had tried to move on from for years now.

"They're just… so Kyura…" his rebel voice came in a pained whisper.

"I know…" they let the heaviness of what was said linger. "The team is getting along well." Kakashi joked.

Hansuke gave an exasperated chuckle. "I thought Kisamaru would be bad, but Nikato is even worse. Gohama doesn't care about it, which doesn't help."

"They'll get there. You saw how the Hyuga was concerned about her."

"I hope so. I don't need another dead student. One is too much already."

Kakashi patted his shoulder as a try on comfort.

"I can't see why she did it. Kisamaru has been terrible for her and he's a Hyuga. It would probably be indifferent for her if he died for the mission. Or maybe it's some twisted way of making them respect her."

"Or maybe she did it to save a teammate."

"She doesn't care about us. Why do you think she chose Konoha?"

"Kyura Tsukate maybe. I don't know."

Hansuke turned his eyes to his two students sitting by the fire. Nikato was entertained with Bear's boasting stories. Kisamaru was more quiet than usual. He had those typical too straight, too still pose and too stern expression of when he was dealing with his inner turmoil. Hansuke knew how disturbing the position he had been was. Being used as a bargain chip by the enemy meant death for a village shinobi. Konoha wouldn't surrender the success of a mission for a ninja. Ninja were supposed to give their lives. Also, it put his teammates in the worst dilemma of a shinobi's career. Konoha wouldn't change its priority, but the shinobi that made its military were fallible. If there had been no other option, Hansuke would had given the scroll in change of Kisamaru's life. He was certain of that.

What he wasn't certain of was if he would have surrendered it for Gohama's and that uncertainty was gnawing on him. She deserved more than dying on a mission for Konoha. He chuckled bitterly to himself. That was wistful thinking, if Lin had taken Gohama he wouldn't kill her and every scenario where she wouldn't die was even worse. He turned his eyes back to the tent. When Hansuke had heard Lin's disgusting threat, rage had boiled from his guts onto his skin. Seeing Lin pressing a kunai to Kisamaru's throat, there was mostly dread that froze inside, lingering even when Gohama had taken his place. But those sickening words had stirred something visceral in him, different from the protectiveness over his two students. He now understood what was said about male shinobi being biased towards their female teammates. Biologically men had the role of protecting women, they would always lean towards kunoichi's safety, sometimes in a patronizing way. Reason and training prevented this, but that day he had understood how rooted the instinct was in him. And how foolish it made him. If Kakashi hadn't grounded him, Hansuke would probably have fumed into battle and gotten himself and Gohama killed.

He was being a fucking disaster of a team leader in this mission.

With one final pained sigh, he got himself up and jumped from the rock. It was time to check on Gohama.

* * *

The forest was crying. No one was around her but the sound of weeping and shrieking. It smelled of smoke, but nothing was burning. A boy called, one of the voices she had forever saved in her. It filled her with warmth, even with the eerie feeling of the night. She turned to it. She gasped. Fear and pain tearing her. Lin had a kunai pressed to the boy's neck.

"Let go of him!" she shouted.

"If you come to me. I want what you have. Not him."

"No! Gohama-chan, run! Your father told you to run away, your Yukikage ordered you!"

"I can't leave you, Kuni-kun! Not again…"

Gohama started running towards the two. It was too late. When she reached Kunimaru, he lay on the soil, three kunai piercing his young chest. Face blank, ashen dark eyes with no remainder of the humorous glint they always held. Gohama started yelling for someone to help, she turned her gaze from her friend's dead body to her surroundings. She was back at her destroyed Village. Ash falling like a layer of snow. She had let him die again…

"Gohama…"

A man's voice called. But she was alone. The boy that had traded his life for hers, dead beneath her arms and she cried for him as she hadn't cried the first time.

"Gohama."

She woke up with a startle. Her eyes settling on two brown ones.

"What?" she asked urgently, ready for a fight, even in her confusion.

"Everything's fine, you were just having a nightmare." Hansuke whispered.

Gohama tried sitting up but her body was still too sore. Instead, she took a hand to her head and rubbed her temples, trying to make sense of things. She remembered the fighting, the trade and the chakra burst, which had been much stronger than with Inuzuka as to make sure the missing nin died. Considering Hansuke was alive, he had used his earth dome to enclose the Konoha shinobi and protect them from the blast.

"Is everyone alive?" she asked, her voice hoarse.

"Yes, don't worry. The rogue group was terminated."

Those words resonated in Gohama's head. She brought her hands in front of her eyes, examining them carefully. "There's no blood…" she muttered.

"Yes. We cleaned it. I also had to change your clothes." He explained with an apologetic tone.

The words never reached her thoughts. She kept staring at her pale hands, trembling from the aching effort of having them raised above her head. She could still smell the blood and the burning, hear the slicing of flesh and bone, feel the fading chakra signatures until there was nothing left but an empty carcass. She had killed six on the trees and another seven with the energy explosion. Thirteen people in less than an hour.

"…Gohama?"

"Did you say something?"

"I asked if you were in pain."

"No." she lied.

"You did what had to be done." Hansuke reassured carefully.

"I know. I just hadn't killed anyone for a long time." since she had been nine to be exact, during the Massacre. Recovering from the sombre tone, she lightly added "The monastery was rather peaceful."

"We're a day's journey from Suna now. Can you run by tomorrow?"

"Yes. When do we live?"

"It's night already and we'll move out at dawn."

Her brain finally caught up. If they were a day's journey from Suna that meant they had covered about a third of the way while she was out. It was following day's night.

"What?!" she asked "I was out for an entire day?"

"Yes… The chakra burst really took a toll on your body. For a moment, we actually thought you had went kamikaze. Kisamaru was worried about your chakra pathwa—"

"That happens. They go back to normal." she brushed her hands through her face. She turned her head to him "I hope it wasn't Bear carrying me." she joked with seriousness.

Hansuke chuckled. "Don't worry. It was Kakashi and me."

"Not much better then." she teased.

For a moment, they continued lying in their bedrolls, staring at each other. Gohama could see he wanted to say something, but hadn't found the will to do so. She studied his eyes, now brown from the lack of light inside the tent. It was nice to finally be rewarded with eye-to-eye contact.

"I'm sorry… I shouldn't have let you trade places with Kisamaru. I froze. I couldn't stop you."

"It's okay, I had a plan and it worked."

"But I didn't know that… I… I'm sorry."

There was such shame in his expression, it made Gohama uncomfortable. He was too open for a shinobi.

"What was her name?"

He understood her question right away. "Fukui Ayame. She was fourteen. Too young… It was a B-rank mission. She took a poisoned kunai to the leg. She died when we passed through the gates of Konoha. At least she died at home." he offered a small pained smile.

Dying at home. Gohama hoped she would die in the Land of Snow, however unlikely now that she was a Leaf kunoichi. Her people had died with their home. That was a nightmare to any shinobi.

She kept gazing Hansuke. He now looked like his chakra felt, steady and warm. But there was something more. The way he had shared his grief, so simple and so exposed. His eyes were full of honesty and vulnerability and he accepted them, he had wanted her to see him like this. Gohama marvelled at his easiness. How had he shared this so openly with her?

"I'm sorry." she offered. What could she answer to that? "Thank you for telling me."

"Thank you for saving Kisamaru." he said, giving her arm a gentle squeeze with his large and warm hand.

The physical contact made Gohama even more uncomfortable.

"Night." She turned her back to him and willed herself to go to sleep again, even if it meant another nightmare.

"Goodnight, Gohama."

Her skin could still feel the shadow of a touch. She really wasn't used to people touching her out of spars and battles.

* * *

The sun was setting right in front of them. Gohama could hardly keep her eyes open, but at least they would reach Sunagakure during night time. The Village was insufferable during the day. They had been running nonstop since seven in the morning. The sun was as unforgivable as she remembered. Her skin was boiling from the burns and her dark clothes were glued to her from sweating. A month was too soon to go back to the world's furnace. Especially when her pathways were still recovering from the burst. Every movement made her insides prick and her high stamina had been cut to half. She could finally distinguish the camouflaged contour of Sand. That damn dusty brown. Hadn't dozens of kilometres of that boring colour been enough?

When they arrived, someone escorted them to their rooms. Four in total. Bear made an unnecessary joke about sharing his with Gohama. Nothing the group wasn't already expecting. After witnessing her chakra burst, he seemed even more interested and provocative. He was trying to rile her up, that masochistic nut job. He wasn't ANBU for nothing. She ended up sharing the room with Hansuke, since Kisamaru or Nikato were inseparable, especially for her.

"Kazekage-sama requested a meeting with the team leaders tomorrow." their escort informed "And he would like Kyura-san to be present too."

The group turned to her in surprise, expecting some explanation. Gohama had no idea what the boy could want out of her after their last meeting. She shrugged it off, being too tired to give it any thought. Tomorrow she would know. She was leaving for a very desirable bath, when Kisamaru called for her. "Gohama-san."

"Gohama." she corrected and raised her eyebrows questioningly.

"I can heal your sunburns. "

Her skin was scorching, making the heat from the desert even more unbearable.

"No, I'm fine. There's no need to waste your chakra." she waved them off and went to her room.

Unfortunately, Hansuke had beaten her to the shower. She flopped down on the bed, feeling and smelling disgustingly. Her chakra flow was regularizing but still stressed against her damaged pathways. Gohama had learnt this last resort trick with Uncle. Back at the monastery, she had trained for a whole three-month period until it was perfected. It was difficult to push out chakra from every chakra point with such force. The Hyuga had a similar technic, however, due to the different nature of both clans' chakra, the Kyura's came out has a deadly explosion instead of an energy wave. In the beginning, it had been challenging to control the amount of power bursting out of her body. That had caused her to learn her limit by almost killing herself. Uncle had forbidden her to use the technic again. Obviously, Gohama ignored the order and trained in secret until she mastered it. Now, regulating the explosion's potency was no problem for her. However, it was still a ruthless, last resort jutsu and her aching body was all too aware of that. Nothing a relaxing bath wouldn't ease.

"Hurry up, princess." Gohama called, pounding on the bathroom door, which gust open and her fist ended up clashing with a damp naked chest.

"All yours, heiress." he replied with a playful smile.

Gohama pulled her hand onto her pocket and turned to fetch her clothes and bath products. As she searched through her pack, Hansuke leaned on the wall, a hand securing his towel, while the other arm was crossed through his chest. His front and arms graced with scars from a shinobi life.

"Are you going to stand there half-naked?"

"I can get dressed in front of you, if you want."

Gohama stood up and turned to him. "I'm good, thanks."

He placed two fingers under her chin and tilted it up. "You have freckles."

She was quick to swat his hand away, uncomfortable with his touch. At least the sunburn was efficient at hiding her blush. He was strangely cheeky.

"It's from the sun." she left for the bathroom.

"Why didn't you accept Kisamaru's healing?" she stopped by the doorframe "The colour suits you, but it has to be painful."

"A waste of chakra."

"Though you look like a lobster," Gohama snorted at the comparison "it would take almost nothing. It was peace offering. Why didn't you indulge him?"

Gohama turned towards him and crossed her arms. "It wouldn't solve anything."

"You're attitude certainly isn't helping."

Outrage started raising from Gohama's chest. She had just exploded her chakra pathways for a teammate and she was the problem.

"My attitude?" she hissed "What is my attitude, Hansuke?"

"You act superior an—"

"I am superior. I didn't chose to be superior but I am."

"We are all equal. We're a team."

"We are not a team. They pushed me here because there was nowhere else to put me. Nikato is right. I'm taking a place that doesn't belong to me, but there's nothing I can do about it."

Hansuke started taking menacing strides towards her. "That's not true. The place belongs to you." Gohama would be much more involved in the speech, if there wasn't a half-naked perfect shinobi body shoved into her vision field "It was assigned to you, Gohama. Ayame is dead, you're our teammate too. So, please, be a teammate to us."

"Say that to your other students, _sensei_." she spun around and shut the door.

Gohama leaned her back against the door, brushing a tired hand through her face. She wasn't used to this relationship drama, it was wearing her out. Everything was so incredibly simpler back at the monastery, back in Snow. She missed being lonely alone, she missed feeling the freezing cold, she missed the cedar forests, she missed Uncle Tsukate.

Gohama let her back slide and her bottom fall to the floor. For the first time since she left Snow, her heart yearned for her life there. She had silenced the ache of change, she had pushed through it, she would keep on pushing, but, just for a while, she let herself go. The sadness of missing was breaking through her. When it came to the absence over her dead Village, it translated in either emptiness or anguish. Now it was sadness. It felt new, paler.

Uncle would know what to say to comfort her. Even his silent presence was enough. What would he be doing? Definitely worrying about her. Taking those quiet brooding walks across the gardens. She used to tease him about that, but it helped him cope with the loss. Gohama had never learnt how to cope with it. She just took its weight head on and kept pushing through. One day she would be crushed. Gohama knew that, she accepted that. It just would not happen before she achieved her duty. Her duty. The reason why she had left the monastery. Her purpose was to be here and endure all this chaotic drama.

"Gohama…" Hansuke called through the door "I know you didn't choose to be su—I know… What I said about your attitude, it was wrong. It's just… I don't understand you. So, help me understand you. I'm trying to make the team work, to make things easier… I'm sorry."

She didn't want to be understood. She just wanted people to leave her alone while she completed her missions and trained to be a better kunoichi. Every interaction was out of pure necessity. Gohama hadn't come to Konoha for lame socialization or relationship making. Everyone she loved and would ever love was dead. The only exception was back at the Land of Snow.

She raised herself from the floor and got ready for the so desired cold bath. She couldn't take smelling sweaty any longer. Looking at herself in the mirror, she recognised she did look like a lobster. A red strip painted her cheeks and bridge of her nose, another her exposed collarbone and the last her midriff. The worst part was her arms. She leaned closer to her reflection. Yes. Freckles. Gohama chuckled to herself. Naked, the differences in skin tones made her look completely ridiculous. Damn Wind desert.

* * *

"Hansuke-san, Kakashi-san." Gaara greeted with a polite nod, they bowed. He looked to Gohama and gave her a small smile. "It's a pleasure to see you again, Kyura-san."

She smirked as the two Leaf shinobi's heads turned to her, both with a raised eyebrow.

"You too, Jinchuriki-sama." Hansuke choked on his gasp. Gohama gazed through the small round windows "I see you didn't take up on my decor advices. Everything's still a dusty brown."

Gaara's eyes also turned to his familiar Village. He gave a shy chuckle. "Unfortunately it wasn't accepted by the council. They're very traditional." he looked back at her "I see the Wind sun hasn't been kind to your Snow skin. I'll have someone give you a balm for sunburns after the meeting."

Gohama nodded in thanks.

"I asked you to be present as an appreciation for your termination of the missing nin gang. They were becoming a small hassle to communities around our border with Fire. The group expected the scroll to contain both Suna and Konoha's dealings with our borders. I will thank your Hokage as well. You are welcome to stay another resting day."

"That won't be necessary, but thank you, Gaara-sama." Kakashi answered with a small bow.

"When do you plan to leave?"

"After lunch-time."

Gaara nodded in recognition. "Kyura-san, it is good to know politics didn't leave a bitter air between us. How has Konoha been treating you?"

Gohama offered him a sweet smile. "Perfectly well. The people are very kind and the shinobi extremely competent."

"I see. I hope Tsunade-sama has also cleared the air after our last meeting. Things went a little overboard, wouldn't you agree, Kakashi-san?"

"There is nothing to clear. A kage must protect their Village. Wouldn't you agree, _Kazekage_-sama?" Gohama intervened before Kakashi could answer.

"Most definitely. But even a kage must recognise his or hers missteps. Even if a new subordinate overlooks them and the duty to her own hitai-ate."

"What's your point?"

"Fire melts Snow."

"And from this comes water, which seems to be lacking in your country." she commented nonchalantly "Have a nice day, Kazekage-kun."

Gohama made an accentuated bow and left, soon the other Konoha shinobi followed. She was fast in walking out of the Kazekage tower, but never breaking her indifferent exterior. Gaara had had the audacity of recruiting her again in front of other Leaf nin. He had bickered over Tsunade, he was trying to find weak spots on her liaison with Konoha. He was just a boy, really, playing a risky grown-up game. Leaf and Sand relationships had been strained since the Chunin exams a year ago. How could he be bold enough to disrespect the Leaf with alluring her? If Gohama decided to accept, there would be no more cooperation between Villages. Why was her Kyura name so important for influence moves? It was just a name, it held no actual power anymore. Maybe they still thought she was the ten-tailed jinchuriki. Maybe Gaara was betting on that as Tsunade had done.

A hand grabbed her arm and spun her around. "What?"

"Stop ignoring me, Gohama. What the hell was that?" Hansuke asked. She had never seen him so infuriated with her.

"Two people catching up."

"Can't you be serious? Do you have any idea of how disrespectful you were to the Kazekage?"

Gohama gave a scornful chuckle and broke from his hold. "Were you even in that damn room? He insulted _your_ "she pocked his chest with a finger" Hokage's actions."

"I know that, but calling him Kazekage-kun doesn't help Konoha's already difficult diplomacy with Suna, with which you shouldn't be messing around."

"Gods, Hansuke, you didn't get shit of what was going on there… I defended Konoha's position, however unlikely that is for everyone!"

"Of course, it's unlikely! You're always bickeri—"

"I'm a Leaf ninja. No one recognizes it, not even the Kazekage, but I am one. It's my duty to protect the Village. It's my duty to protect my comrades. That's everything you need to understand."

Gohama disappeared in a swirl of snowflakes that quickly melted in the hot air of Suna. Hansuke watched them glide and fall. She had to reference his little speech to a muted door last night. Was that the only thing to Kyura Gohama, duty? Did she trade places with Kisamaru for duty? Could there even be blind duty without bonds? She resented the Village; how could she pledge herself to it so indifferently?

Hansuke turned to Kakashi and mumbled, "Thanks for the help."

"I wouldn't have sided with you. She is right, you didn't get shit of what was being said in that "meeting"."

"Then explain it to me…" he asked exasperatedly.

"Gaara was fishing for weaknesses."

"What? What weaknesses?"

"Between Gohama's and Konoha's relationship."

"Wh—"

"Suna wants her. They already tried to recruit her during the Exams and she declined their offer. A good offer after we, Leaf, fucked with her. She lied about us treating her well, she lied about her opinion over Tsunade's misstep, because Suna knowing these would only show weakness. She's the last Kyura. Gohama is a great political asset for us. So," he started with a playful tone "please, try not to annoy her too much, Hansuke.

That girl was wearing, intriguing trouble.

"I… I thought after she saved Kisamaru things would get better in our team. But they didn't… I honestly don't think they ever will. You should be the one training her."

"I chose your team for a reason. Give yourself a little credit and Gohama too."

"We both know why she's here. In a year, I won't be able to teach her anything more. She'll search for it somewhere else. In Konoha or out. You could teach her all your jutsu. You're the only one in Konoha that can keep up."

"My students don't seem to think so." Kakashi said with a dry laugh "I didn't put her in your team just for that. Tsukate sent her here because he thought she could find a home. I could never show her that."

"You're the one not giving yourself credit, Kakashi. You were a great Taicho to me when I was a lost boy trying to prove my worth."

"You remember things differently than I do." he sighed "I'm not the welcoming type. I'm the indifferent, aloof, entertaining type. Good for a good laugh, a good fight and a good fuck."

"Just because let yourself."

Kakashi didn't answer him. Hansuke patted his shoulder, he knew what his reasons were.


	10. I - Chapter 9

Part I | Chapter 9

* * *

Kisamaru and Nikato had left the Inn for lunch. It had been a long time since Kisamaru had visited Suna. The heat was as relentless as he remembered and the dry dusty air irritated his throat and lungs. Nikato had been talking on and on about this great traditional place he always went to when in Suna (which had been a mere two times). Kisamaru found their cuisine painful, but the redhead enjoyed anything eatable and burning spices obviously were included.

"Yeah! That's the place." he nodded towards a small, somewhat dingy restaurant. Before they could enter it, Nikato halted with his hand pressed to the door "Shit. She's here."

She. That's what the two friends called her, The Kyura also. After a month of training, their team's dynamic had not gotten any better. Besides sparring, they mostly ignored each other. Hansuke-sensei had tried, he really had. Sometimes, Kisamaru felt slightly guilt about hindering things for their sensei. The animosity and resent against the Kyura always supplanted it though. Her haughtiness really pushed on him. There was nothing to be proud about. Her clan had died in one night, her Village completely devastated. Honestly, he couldn't understand how the Kyura's reputation had brewed.

She was a competent kunoichi, even without using her chakra manipulation, Nikato and himself never did manage to win against her, which only fired their rancour. She just walked through life as if she owned it. She was nothing anymore. Her authority had died with her clan. In the Hyuga compound, the sentiment was much the same. When the Hokage had accepted her as a Leaf nin, dissatisfaction over Tsunade's judgement quickly spread. Hiashi-sama had explained that the alliance between Buki and Konoha had come through the one between Kyura and Uchiha. Considering both clans had vanished - which seemed to be the fate of such sort - it made no sense to receive a Kyura girl as their own. Never trust a Kyura, he had firmly acclaimed. When she had finally been placed in Kisamaru's team, Hiashi-sama had called him for a meeting. He ordered him to carefully watch the girl and hold his walls high from a treacherous Kyura.

Kisamaru had been comfortable in his image of her as a rival to keep both close and far. Until she annoyingly traded places with him. In that panicking moment, when he was begging the gods for his life, and dutifully asking Hansuke-sensei to let him die for Konoha, Kisamaru had never thought she would be the one trying to save him. Drowned in fear and self-deprecation for a stupid mistake, he hadn't heard her yell. Only her comment about the superiority of the Kyura broke his daze. He had loathed her as never before. He had a kunai pressed to his throat and she had decided to boast. It had taken him too long to understand those impossible and steady words coming from a Kyura's mouth. She was trading her place for his. Kisamaru should have been relieved, but doubt and guilt leaked away from an uncharted corner of his being. And the leak hadn't stopped yet. Especially not when he felt with his own medical chakra her destroyed pathways. The others had seen her passed out, but he had threaded through her shattered, famous Kyura pathways. All because of his stupid mistake, because of him, a Hyuga.

"Didn't you want to come here?" Kisamaru asked Nikato.

"Not anymore."

"You spoke so well of the food, I want to try it now."

"I really don't feel like dealing with her. Our mandatory time is more than enough."

"I'm going."

Kisamaru knew his friend wasn't comfortable being alone in a foreign Village and would follow him. He didn't want to face the Kyura alone.

"Oh, come on, Kisamaru!"

When they entered the restaurant, every Suna eye turned towards them. The two Leaf shinobi ignored the hostility, it was just how the Sand was. The Kyura was slouching in a corner table, a glass of whiskey swinging in her hand. Her face continued horribly red. Kisamaru still begrudged the way she had dismissed his offer, but he wasn't going to let that affect him now. There was a chance for a healthy team. The battle with the rogue group had showed how they could work well together. They didn't have form a friendship, they just had to not hate or ignore each other. Hansuke-sensei deserved more than to lead a broken team.

Kisamaru wasn't going to ask permission, which she would probably refuse, he would just sit. The table was round. He slid on the bench, leaving a comfortable distance between them. Nikato slouched beside him.

"Joining your teammate for a drink, hm?" Gohama indifferently commented without looking at them.

"Lunch, actually. Have you eaten?"

"You're too late, then."

They didn't say anything more. Their orders arrived and they began eating. She would sip her whiskey, pretending they weren't there. Nikato was the master at talking, not Kisamaru. She seemed to be just like him. When they finished eating, Nikato was ready to leave, but the Hyuga asked for a beer before he could. Of course, the redhead joined him.

Kisamaru gave an awkward cough. "How was the meeting?"

"The usual thank you card."

"Why did the Kazekage ask for you then?"

"We met during the Chunin Exams. He wanted to catch up."

"Oh, yes, the oh so influential Kyura." Nikato mocked with a wave of his hand.

Kisamaru sighed in defeat. Peace had lasted for some impressive minutes actually. Then, she let go of a small, bitter chuckle and sipped her whiskey.

"It's a pain in the ass really." she inspected their drinks distantly for a while "Sake or scotch?" she asked them.

It was a surprise that she hadn't reacted to Nikato's comment with another sharp one herself. It was even more surprising that her reaction had been another peace offering.

"Sake. I don't know how you can get that down your throat." Kisamaru commented.

She turned to Nikato and waited for his answer. He gave in to her inquisitive glare and mumbled under his breath, "Sake." He would never refuse free alcohol even if it were her paying.

The Kyura promptly ordered three bottles of sake.

"You do know we'll be running through the desert in a bit." Kisamaru reasoned.

"If she's paying, it's only polite to receive a gift."

"Yes. Where's your propriety now, Hyuga? Accept the gift." she said lightly with a mischievous smirk while pouring him a glass and sliding it towards him.

Kisamaru eyed the transparent liquid twirling on the tiny white cup. He had no tolerance comparing to Nikato and apparently the Kyura, who had downed three glasses of whiskey since they were here and looked perfectly composed. He did want to drink. He enjoyed sake in responsible quantities. A bottle was over his responsible mark, but if he just drank half of it, he could make the journey with no problem.

"Come on," she started by holding her cup high "let's see who drinks like a proper ninja."

She downed the sake and Nikato followed suit with a competitive twinkle in his eyes. Kisamaru winced while forecasting a regret and did so as well. Without rest, the other two were already glaring at each other and getting another serving. He tried to sneak this one out, but she easily caught him.

"Staying behind, Hyuga? Let's go, bottoms up." she said and drank her cup.

"Yeah, Kisamaru! No cowering now."

Of course that if the two of them would rally together it had to be for torturing him. Why had he accepted this challenge with two proficient people in drinking?

Their bottles were half drunk and Kisamaru could already see the room blur when he turned his head from side to side. Nikato had relaxed completely, which was the first time around the Kyura. Alcohol always increased his out-going, loud and extremely inconvenient personality. That moment was no different. Although he was only slightly tipsy. Gohama seemed as collected as she always was.

"Wind nature is obviously the superior in battle!" Nikato continued to harmlessly argue "Don't give me shit, Kyura. You say that because lightning looks cool!"

"And being cool is half the job."

"Then you need to seriously work!" Nikato joked, all too satisfied with his retort.

The three downed another cup.

"Oh, my chakra burst was cool."

"Did you see the trees around us? You could have killed us!"

Another cup.

"I knew Hatake had gotten my plan."

"How do you know him?" Kisamaru decided to change the uncomfortable direction of the conversation.

She shrugged. "Coincidences… He was at the Chunin Exams."

Kisamaru knew there had to be more to it. Kakashi-sempai had followed her to the river after Nikato's and hers argument, he had tried to stop her from trading her life for his when not even Hansuke-sensei dared. He had been worried when they thought she was dying. Not that he had showed it, but Kisamaru had seen it.

"Now that's a cool ninja!" Nikato exclaimed.

With that, the redhead started spilling nothings about the Copy-nin, Hansuke-sensei and other older, remarkable ninja of Konoha. Before the Hyuga could realise they were on their way to finish the second bottle, Hansuke-sensei barged through the restaurant's door. He was mad, which was a sporadic, frightening sight, usually directed to Nikato. He only became angry when they made stupid dangerous mistakes. The fact that Kisamaru hadn't been lectured on getting caught by the enemy was a lucky rarity.

When sensei started admonishing them for something Kisamaru was too confused to understand, the alcohol hit all at once. The room spun around his head. His whole body was spinning and he felt as if he was dying. He could feel the nausea coiling in his stomach but was too ruined to speak or even catch the words out of his sensei's mouth. He was going to throw up and there was nothing he could do other than sit, wait and hopefully not die, at least not until sensei killed him himself.

"Shit, he's going to throw up!" a female voice talked next to him.

Then, the world tilted, a gush of wind thrust through him and the light made him wince. He was spilling his guts out and maybe Hansuke-sensei killing him wasn't so bad. People were talking beside him.

"Can someone just hold him?" Gohama asked impatiently right beside him "I'm going to throw up myself."

"How unfortunate." a deep, lazy voice answered.

"And you'll be my target, Hatake."

Strong hands helped him hold himself in a crouch while he kept vomiting. Would it never stop?

"I've never seen him like this." Hansuke-sensei said beside him "How did you manage to get him to drink his ass off?"

"It was about being polite, sensei" Nikato slurred "and winning a competition."

"Which I obviously won."

"Lies, Kyura, lies! Or maybe you cheated! To get us in trouble!"

"Why would I care about getting you in trouble? And why would I get myself in trouble with you?"

"Hansuke-sensei won't punish you! He pities you because everyone hates you."

Kisamaru was conscious enough to know sensei didn't pity her. He felt guilty, just like him, because he couldn't stop her when she traded her life for his student's one.

"Shut up, Nikato…" he said weakly. "Not everyone hates her… Sensei doesn't hate her. I'm sure Kakashi-sempai doesn't too. And I also don't hate Gohama."

That last confession was out of his mouth before he could give it a thought. He hadn't even realised it was true, he didn't hate her anymore. His clan would be utterly disappointed, but how could he loath someone who had wrecked her chakra pathways for him? Thankfully, he wouldn't remember any of this by tomorrow. Unlike the shame of messing up on a mission…

"You're a Hyuga. You're supposed to hate her."

"I'm also supposed to be sober on a mission…"

He heard her laugh.

"How ever touching team bonding time is, if the Hyuga is done throwing up, we have to get moving." Hatake Kakashi said with his dragged, but firm tone.

"You two carry him." Hansuke-sensei ordered.

He was laid against Gohama's back and she gently asked, "Please, let me know if you need to throw up."

With a hand wave from Kakashi-sempai, they were running through the rooftops.

* * *

Exhaustion was setting rapidly in her muscles. Her skin was burning more than she had ever felt it. If Kisamaru was conscious, she would accept, even beg, for him to heal her. Gohama was certain she was starting to get a fever from it. She had been carrying the Hyuga since Sunagakure. Nikato was too drunk, he stumbled constantly, and having to carry another person would only be a hazard. Gohama was also drunk. She could control her reflexes better, but the added weight was heavy on her numb, uncoordinated body. Besides, they were following an ANBU pace, ruthless and punishing. Hansuke was being true to his words, they were paying hard for their irresponsibility. Especially Gohama, unlike Nikato had predicted back in Suna.

The ANBU had been merciless. They mocked them for being kids who pretended to know how to drink. They mocked them for drinking in the job, which, as Gohama reminded them, they had also done before a battle. They mocked the two boys for being out drank by a girl. Once they became tired of mocking, they dropped the subject.

For a first mission as a team, it had been odd. The mission was successful, the two teams had manage to deactivate a missing-nin group. The rank had changed from C to A, which meant a bigger paycheck. Considering the terrible team dynamic aspect, it had gone smoother than anyone could have guessed. The three chunin had worked well together when necessity had forced them to. Then, there was the getting drunk together part. A good team bonding moment, as Kakashi had called it. Gohama wasn't asking for a friendship, but for a cooperation. It was important, as they weren't looking to get themselves killed, to clear the hostility that loomed over them. The Hyuga had actually admitted he didn't hate Gohama anymore. That was a giant, unthinkable step, which would not have happened had she not traded her place for his.

Did _she_ hate Kisamaru? There was still animosity on her part, too rooted in her clan's identity to promptly vanish. She didn't think she had ever hated him. Hate was a heavy, cavernous, gnawing sentiment. The only people she deeply hated were unknown to her. Gohama had never been able to give a concrete face to the nin that had destroyed her Village. She remembered shadows, she remembered how they killed and dragged and destroyed, but she could never grasp their figure. She remembered the white mask, not even the chakra signature had she interiorized, just the blank mask and the hand that held the sword soaked in Mother's blood. Gohama hated with every cell of her being shadows and a white mask. What she felt for Kisamaru was closer to indifference than hate. Maybe annoyance, now that his snores were piercing through her ears.

"You all right?" Hansuke asked.

Gohama hadn't even noticed his presence. It was not the time to dwell on those thoughts.

"Perfectly fine."

Unfortunately, she hadn't been able to hide her breathless tone.

"From that look you were giving, I was sure you were ready to kill me." he playfully explained. "Seriously, are you feeling okay, Gohama? You look both red and yellow, if that's even possible."

"Not everyone can get that flawless golden tan like you."

"You have to be really bad, if you're complimenting me." Gohama was too tired to reply in any form other than a frown "Oh, I forgot. I have that balm the Kazekage offered you. You should put it on, your skin is starting to peel."

How she craved the soothing freshness of a balm. One more reason to press on until they reached the Fire Country's border.

"Put it now. Your burns are somewhat scary."

She glared at him. "My hands are a little busy at the moment."

"I can carry him the rest of the way. Nikato still can't put a foot in front of the other."

"Are you pitying me?" she frowned at him.

"No. I just don't want another collapsed person to carry."

"I'll be fine if I just put the balm on."

They both stopped. Without the breeze of high-speed running, the heat was smothering them. He dipped two fingers in the flask and neared them to her face, she dodged them.

"What are you doing? I can put it myself."

"Your hands are a little busy at the moment." He replied with a satisfied smirked.

"I'm sweaty."

"I have Kisamaru's vomit on my feet, do you actually think I care about your sweat? Are you thirsty? I haven't seen you drink any water."

Gohama let go of her pride. She was ready to flop from dehydration. "Yes…" she confessed quietly.

Hansuke smirk only widened from enjoying her reluctance and yielding. He went for her bag and took out a bottle of water. "Open up." he told her with a bouncy tone.

"This is more than enough punishment for what we did."

He leaned the bottleneck against her lips and she drank avidly. Honestly, her pride could go to hell, water was more than worth all of it. She finished the thermos and he dipped some of his own water on her face. The freshness had never felt more invigorating. He spread the balm on the bridge of her nose.

"Uh, that's nice..." she sighed before she could stop herself. He chuckled. "Shut up."

"You're burning up." he laid a hand against her forehead and then her neck "Are you sure you don't want me to take Kisamaru?"

"I'm sure. It's just the sunburns."

He proceeded to cover her exposed collarbone and arms. The soothing of her scorching skin, after more than a day of constant burning up, hid any uneasiness she could have felt from his touch.

"You're freckling." he commented as he applied another layer to her nose and cheeks "All right, all protected, Go-chan." he said, amused.

"Thanks, _mum_." she deadpanned.

When she opened her eyes, he was staring at her. His hazel eyes clear in the desert light. There was the expected discomfort.

"Kakashi explained why you said what you said. To the Kazekage that is... I'm sorry for not trusting your judgement."

That was the third time Hansuke had apologized to her on that mission. An unknown, uncomfortable tension clasped her chest.

"Let's catch up." she said and started running again.

* * *

"You three kids can stay. The others off my office." Tsunade growled.

The ANBU and Hansuke silently left the room. Tsunade's fiery raged eyes pierced into the three chunin standing before her. Gohama had heard of the terrifying temper of the Godaime, which she had dismissed. Now, as she became the object of Tsunade's fury, it didn't seem so insignificant. Her reflexes were ready to start at any movement.

"So." the three startled "You decided to get drunk on foreign territory during a mission." her voice was matter-of-factly, but her expression was furious. "Whose idea was it?"

"Everyone's." Kisamaru responded promptly.

"Hey, don't mix me with the Kyura! She paid for the drinks!"

"And you didn't hesitate to accept them. Kisamaru was the only one practically bullied into it."

"This team had always been exemplar. Since you entered it, Kyura, things have gotten somewhat chaotic."

Everyone loved to blame for the shitty team relationships.

"It was your decision to put me in this team." Gohama said defiantly.

Tsunade stood up from her chair in a flash and hit her desk with her fists. This was how Gohama was going to die, she was sure.

"Are you questioning your Hokage?!" the Godaime shouted "Do you also want to be punished for insubordination?! Get your rank stripped!?"

"You know what would happen if you stripped me of my rank." she did have a death wish.

The Hokage was now standing in front of her, a gush of air shaking Gohama's tresses. The assistant flinched in her corner, which wasn't a good sign. Her expression didn't waver when the taller woman hovered menacingly over her, but all of her insides were quivering. She hadn't felt this scared in a long time. There was a masochistic excitement flourishing in her stomach.

"Are you threatening me, girl?" Tsunade hissed.

"Stating." she quietly corrected.

"You're more trouble than gain. One of these days I'll kick you out of Konoha and set all of ANBU out to get you, brat. For now, you're on D-rank missions for a month." she went back to her desk "As for you three irresponsible, immature kids, you'll be teaching in the Academy for a month from 8am to 12am, starting tomorrow. One more jest like this and you'll go back there as students not instructors! Now. Get out of my damn office!"

The three chunin gladly did. When the door closed behind them, Nikato exhaled, "Well, shit."

"I don't know how to interact with children…" Kisamaru hummed.

Nikato laughed and slapped his shoulder. "You don't know how to interact with people." he corrected with a playful tone. "Neither do you." he said pointing to Gohama "Where you trying to get yourself killed by one of Godaime's punches?"

"Yes." she turned her back to them to leave "Don't be late tomorrow, Nikato."


	11. PART II - The Pack

PART II

The Pack

* * *

"Lament of a White Wolf", _The_ _Kyura Anthology_

* * *

Pale moonlight rests on the snow

Howl the leaves and the wind

And the soil and the river

And peace dies with the dismal cry

A lone call

into a silent sky

A white wolf with no pack is lost.


	12. II - Chapter 1

_PrismRootStarlight: Thank you so much for the review! It made my day. I'm so glad you're liking the story and Gohama (I was afraid she could an unlikable character). I love writing this story just for myself but it's amazing to know someone out there also enjoys it and my writing. _

_Any feedback is more than welcome!_

* * *

Part II | Chapter 1

* * *

Gohama sat on the wooden swing at the entrance of the Academy. The classes had already started and, except for a few late kids speeding through the grass field in front of the building, the place was deserted. She pushed her foot against the ground and swayed lightly. As a child, Gohama had always loved to swing. The rhythmic back and forth through the air was soothing. Even if it didn't sooth her now.

Gohama was… she was something… The idea of interacting with children for five hours every day for a month unsettled her. Besides the obvious boredom, there was the problem of not knowing how to act. Children were weird. The fascinating, foreign type of weird. They were both stupid and smart, both straightforward and bizarre. She couldn't fandom the fact that she had been a child before. That life seemed to have been lived by another person entirely. Maybe it had been. She had changed completely. Had it been a sudden process, caused by the Massacre, or a gradual one? One day she had looked behind and she felt different in everything. It had been frightening to lose the image she had had of herself. Maybe it happened with everyone.

What did she like when she was a child? Playing, hunting, exploring. She certainly hated Keiko-san's propriety classes. But she enjoyed the ones with Osamu-hanshi and Katsuo-sensei. The classes with her Academy sensei, Enoki, where fun because she was with her friends and messed around. She also used to mess around a lot. Now that Gohama thought about it, she used to be an obnoxious little brat. It had helped her forget the responsibilities of her position. She had always borne the weight of duty and power. Her childhood was filled with diplomacy shows, special training, expectations to meet… Fear and doubt. But she had been happy. She truly had. With her family and her clan and her friends and her village.

A tight, cold pressure started narrowing her heart. Why did she have to fall into wistful memories? It always brought the same longing ache to her. Gohama pushed all that away. A month was nothing.

Kisamaru reached the grass field in front of the building and went to her. He was clearly nervous. "It's 8… should we go in…?"

"We have to wait for Nikato, if we want to survive this."

"You're not good with children too?"

"I haven't talked to a child since I was a child. Not being good is an understatement."

Gohama pushed the swing gently with her foot, while they waited. As always, Nikato arrived late.

"You look like you're about to enter a battle."

"We are." she joked.

"It's just children. They're easier to take than adults."

"You say that because you have younger siblings. You're used to it."

"You have dozens of younger cousins. At least Gohama has the excuse of being alone and an only-child."

"I'm not." She corrected firmly and added "An only child. I have a younger brother."

"So there's another Kyura out there…" Nikato whined.

"No, there isn't. But he's still my brother."

His mocking expression quickly turned into one of guilt. That was new. "Yes, I… I didn't know… I'm sorry…"

"Let's get this over with" Gohama said as she walked towards the entrance door.

Her two teammates followed quietly. They were directed to one of the Academy's training fields. The job was to instruct third year kids in their shuriken practice. There were about twenty kids standing in front of wooden posts, shuriken at hand. The three chunin watched the two lines of students silently, while the children waited for their instructions.

"Are we supposed to teach them?" Gohama whispered to her teammates.

"I have no idea." Nikato whispered back.

"Come on, you're the one good with kids, do something." she urged him.

"This is different… they never looked at me like I am… like I have authority… I don't like it. It's weird."

"Authority, hm?" she muttered. Taking a step forward, she addressed the kids "Well, class, today we'll" she gestured to her own team "be instructing you in shuriken handling. Fir—"

"Where's Kuro-sensei?" a boy towards the back of the line asked.

"I have no idea." she dismissed.

"Is he dead?" a girl shyly asked.

"Again, I have no idea, so maybe yes, maybe no."

Scared gasps and whines loosened from the class. The students started whispering between each other. Gohama was ready to call them to attention, when a voice broke free from the murmur. "Aren't you the Kyura?"

"Yes. Now, yo—"

"My family says you're bad news." a girl commented cockily.

Gohama turned her attention to her. "That's because you're a Hyuga. The strange thing would be them liking me."

"Do you like the Kyura, Cousin?" the girl asked Kisamaru.

The Hyuga choked at the sudden attention directed towards him. "Gohama is my teammate."

The answer seemed to satisfy the girl and yet didn't compromise Kisamaru inside his clan. Smart one.

"Is it true the Arms used babies for target practice?" a boy asked.

Gohama smirked. "No." she threw a shuriken that skimmed the skin on the boys cheek and imbibed in the trunk beside him "We used children, eight-year-olds more or less." several terrorised eyes snapped at her "We can try that here, if you kids don't shut up." she said lightly. All that could be heard was the muffled giggles from Nikato and a worried whine from Kisamaru. "Now, onto the lesson. Just practice your throws and" she pointed to her left "Nikato" then her right "Kisamaru" finally to herself "and I will stop by each one of you and correct the posture, force and aim. Questions?"

They shook their heads and started practicing obediently.

"So you're the daunting, intolerant type of teacher?" Nikato joked.

"It worked, didn't it?" she shrugged.

"What if they report on you throwing a shuriken at a student?" Kisamaru asked her with concern.

"I'm already stuck in D-rank missions and the Academy. I have little to lose." she dismissed him with a mischievous smile.

"You sure are bad news, Kyura." the redhead chuckled.

* * *

The light gliding through the leaves was a placid auburn. A soft breeze ruffled the branches and Gohama's hair. It tickled her sweat stroked face, some fine hairs stuck to her skin. It was already autumn and the air was still warm. Too warm for punishment laps around the Village. Gohama had chosen a thick branch to settle in while she waited for the end of training. Her feet were propped up against the trunk, one hand cushioned her head and the other traced the relief of her hitai-ate.

It would have been a pleasant afternoon, if there wasn't this uneasiness caught under her skin. The Academy was pushing on her perfectly perfected mental balance. At least, she only had to bear it for two more weeks. It would not do her any good to think about it, but she couldn't stop her rebellious mind. She had been left alone for a week with a fourth year class while her team was on a B-rank mission. Nine-year-old kids. They were too young. Had she been that young? Gohama felt so grown-up at that age, but she was just a child really. It had been seven years ago. Almost half her own age. Half her own life living with nothing. How hadn't she gotten used to it by now? Did she want to get used to it? Didn't the pain remind her of the ones she had lost? She would never forget them. She should never ask for pain to cease. Still she did… Sometimes she let her weakness drive her. As now…

Those kids from the Academy. They reminded her of her own friends, her own classmates. They had all been so young, too young to die. The shinobi life was a life of death, but for duty during missions, not for slaughter in their own homes. They would never reach their silly dreams children have. They would never master their chakra nature. Never fulfil the purpose of their childhood of studying and training. Most of the kids at Konoha's Academy would also die. How could their sensei's prepare them for death so lightly? Did Iruka know his students would end up with their names carved on the memorial stone?

Every ninja was raised for death. It was the shinobi way. There was no changing it. There was no gain in thinking about it. But, no matter how much Gohama forced those thoughts out of her mind, she was always aware of that latent mortality. Everyone was. Except some of those Academy children. Some were still blissfully untouched. It made everything crueller. It made her chest narrow and ache.

Gohama held her hitai-ate at the level of her eyes. A shuriken. The symbol of her entire Village was a weapon with the sole purpose of killing. She was a weapon with the sole purpose of killing. For her it was out of duty and honour, but she was still a tool of death. She served the one she had loathed for most her life. Gohama laid her hitai-ate back on her stomach.

Hansuke's chakra signature entered her sensorial field. She didn't move, she was too tired to pretend. His feet landed on either side of her head.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"Sleeping."

"You don't even have the decency of pretending you were running."

"You prefer that I lie to you."

"It's not lying it's— Why do you think you're above everything?"

"I don't think I'm above things. I just don't care."

"You should care because, as a punishment for not fulfilling your punishment, you'll run five more laps each day."

"You can't control that. Unless you're willing to run them with me."

"I'll find a way. Don't worry, Gohama." he lay on the same branch as her, the hairs at the top of his head touching hers as he shuffled to get comfortable. Once he settled down, he sighed deeply "I see you chose a nice spot for a mid-train nap, while you left the boys to run alone."

"Or maybe they were the ones that left me to run alone." They had run together for two laps until Gohama was too bored and sped up ahead of them to find the perfect branch for resting on. Nikato had thought she was challenging him and had also sped up. He was probably still killing himself with a ruthless rhythm, wondering why he couldn't reach her. The image made her chuckle to herself.

"They told me you're a good, slightly sadist teacher. Except when you indulge the kids in their pranks. Kisamaru wasn't happy at all about that."

"You'd think Nikato was the gullible one."

"Hm, tell me about it. Enjoying your time at the Academy, Gohama-_sensei_?" he joked.

"You already made me run five more laps, there's no need to punish me anymore."

"Don't you enjoy my company, Gohama?"

"It's nothing personal really."

"Oh, yes. I forget you're a girl out of the monastery. You're scared of being sociable with other human beings." he teased her.

"My one and only fear."

They kept quiet and after a while Gohama did end up taking a mid-train nap.

* * *

"Gohama-san!" a man shyly called for his teammate.

The three of them stopped and turned around. Nikato knew his face from his time at the Academy, but he hadn't been his sensei. The Kyura annoyingly sighed beside him. She wasn't enthusiastic about the man, which didn't surprise Nikato. He didn't think she was a fan of anyone in the Village or even in the world.

"Iruka, I've already asked you, no "san", please."

Right, that was Iruka-sensei. The man cringed in embarrassment, a light colour breaking from his cheeks, and brushed the back of his head.

"I'm sorry… Gohama." he stressed the informal treatment "I needed a favour. You see… I have this last minute emergency so I have to leave. I was wondering if you could stay with my class for the next two hours. Please? It's a kunai practice, so not as boring as a theory class."

"Sure. They were going to make us clean the closets…"

His concerned expression lifted slightly and he gave them a head bow as thanks. "Thank you very much!" he said already leaving in a hurry 2Next time you have to turn in a report after hours, talk to me!" he raised his voice, halfway down the corridor.

"Hope you didn't get yourself into trouble, Iruka." she teased.

Her tone hadn't been the one she used to provoke or annoy people. It was the one she used with Hansuke-sensei and, nowadays, a little with Kisamaru.

"How do you know the guy?"

"If you actually turned in reports you'd know, Nikato." Kisamaru explained.

"Still, you seem to get along with him."

"Not really. Just some small talk. I'm stuck in D-rank missions. I deliver reports a lot."

The three reached the training ground that had two lines of several wooden posts. The children were already scattered in front of them, some playing with their kunai while others murmured and talked.

"Alright, class!" Nikato called their attention to him "Iruka-sensei can't be here, so we'll teach you this class. Start practicing and we'll stop by each one of you."

The kids gave a collective grunt of acknowledgement and turned to their respective post. The sound of chatting died out, replaced by the thuds of pierced wood. As in every other target lesson, Nikato sat on one of the free posts and the Kyura on another, both making sure the kids didn't stab each other, Kisamaru stood perfectly poised in the middle of the two lines of targets. It was a boring task, but at least they had little to do and could simply let their minds wander in distraction.

Theory classes actually asked of them to teach History, Physics or, worst of all, Introduction to Cryptograms. Nikato, since his time at the Academy, had never managed to understand the workings of cyphers or had the patience to memorize codes. Kisamaru and the Kyura were both incredibly good with it. She went far enough as saying it was fun, like cracking a puzzle. There was nothing fun about puzzles, they served only to infuriate him when he couldn't solve them. Luckily he only had to learn two coded languages, the Konoha common code, which was obligatory to learn for any ninja, and his team's secret one. He sometimes mixed a few hand signs and written symbols, but it was good enough for his teammates to understand. It had taken him an exasperated Hansuke-sensei forcing him with daily private lessons to somewhat learn it. The Kyura was fluent in less than two weeks.

Damn Kyura. At the same time as he thought it, she jumped from her seat and started assisting the students. There was something different about her when she was with children. Nikato couldn't grasp exactly what changed. She instructed them on the perfect position firmly and carefully. Almost afraid of hurting their feelings. He laughed at his own absurd observation. She did not care about anyone's feelings. The patience she had at dealing with children quickly vanished when they disrespected her or passed any line traced only by herself.

As a girl hit the bullseye after her pointers, Nikato had to admit she did a good job at teaching the kids how to throw a kunai. This made him jump from his spot. Sometimes they had unacknowledged competitions to see who bettered the most kids' aim. She, much to his chagrin, usually won. Damn Kyura. This time he would show her. He started with the nearest boy, correcting his footing and flick of the wrist. She noticed right away and smirked cockily. Moving quickly to the next student. He hurried his pace in response.

The two of them were too distracted in their rivalry to notice the agitation of a few kids down the line. A boyish cry made them both snap their eyes to the scene. Mocking laugh erupted from a group of kids. Before he could react, she was standing in the middle of the uproar. She gently examined the whimpering boys arm and, from where he was, Nikato could see a superficial, nonetheless bloody, cut. Kisamaru started walking towards the boy, but stopped when she kneeled and green chakra flowed from her hand to the wound.

"There! Good as new!" she softly said, whipping tears from pale, chubby cheeks.

The two male teammates gazed at each other in confusion. Neither one of them knew the Kyura could make medical jutsu, but most of all neither had ever heard that sweet tone leave her lips. She whispered something in the kid's ear and he whispered back. The Kyura stood up and ruffled his dark hair. With a draft of air, she was hovering over a little girl. The girl's satisfied smirk gave place to a frightened pout. She didn't dare look up at a menacing chunin, especially not when it was the Kyura. Nikato was certain the rumours around the clan's heiress could be chilling for impressionable Academy children. The Kyura grasped the girl's ponytail and pulled it down to tilt her head up.

"D-do you k-know who I am…?" the girl stuttered.

"I don't and I obviously don't care. All I care about is that you threw a kunai at your own classmate." her tone was calm, but threatening "Why?"

"It-t was an a-accident."

"I'm sure it was. I'm sure all five of you also laughed by accident."

His teammate dragged the girl by her ponytail until she had her back pressed against a wooden post. Oh, shit. He looked back at Kisamaru and the same worry he felt was printed in the Hyuga's features. The Kyura took a few steps back and grabbed a kunai from her pouch.

"Maybe we should target practice on you. Hm, girl? What do you think? Since you're so eager to aim against your classmates."

She wouldn't. Would she...? Did she have the ruthlessness to aim against the poor, shaking child. The hand holding the kunai settled next to her ear, in throwing position. The girl clenched her eyes shut, a single tear sliding through her cheek onto the grassy ground. Her shivering limbs would only risk her more. The Kyura's arm started its swift movement when a whimper left the girls mouth:

"I'm sorry!" the chunin froze mid drive "I threw the kunai at Daiki on purpose. I wanted to make fun of him." she blurt out.

"You're not made to be a kunoichi." she harshly accused while putting the kunai back on her pouch "You and your group can spend the rest of class running laps around the field." the girl didn't react "Move." she ordered austerely.

The five kids flinched at her tone and quickly spread onto the periphery of the training ground. The Kyura went back to the bullied kid and gently began helping him handle the kunai and aim for the target. Instead of being scared, Daiki was gleaming because of her tender attention. The other students, seeing there was no more drama in which to relish on, went back to their training.

Nikato watched her teach the kid. Whatever difference he had sensed in their time at the Academy was insignificant compared to how she treated Daiki. Not just the tone of her voice, but the ruffling of his hair, or the encouraging smiles. Everything looked foreign in her features. What had caused such a change? Maybe the protectiveness over a helpless child. Or maybe—

The boy turned his face towards Nikato and he could see his deep green eyes against pale skin and dark brown hair. He could pass as a Kyura. Nikato remembered his assumption at the beginning of their month in the Academy. She had talked about having a brother. A dead brother. As he watched her kind attention, his chest clenched. Was this the Gohama before the Massacre of the Arms? An overwhelming compassion hit him so hard he had to look away. The image of his own siblings sprung in his thoughts. The idea of losing them was terrifying and she had lost her brother. Gohama had lost her parents and family and her friends and her acquaintances and her clan and her Village. A tingle of guilt weighed in his guts.

What was wrong with him? Stupid sentimentality. The Kyura was ruthless, arrogant and infuriating. Above all, she had stolen the place that would always belong to Ayame-chan. She had settled in it as if she owned it. She always acted as if she owned everything. But she had nothing and she could never replace Ayame-chan. Unworthy smug girl. He loathed her, everyone loathed her and justly. Kisamaru was only being soft because, again, she had acted as if she owned everything and traded her place for his. The Kyura did have something for taking someone else's spot. Hansuke-sensei didn't hate her because he could never bring himself to hate a teammate and subordinate. Kakashi-sempai was a weird, perverted man who read porn in public and probably had a kink for enraging girls like her.

"Where are you going?" Kisamaru yelled to him.

Only then did he noticed he was stomping away from the field.

"To the Hokage." he growled back.

If he was forced to live one more day with that despicable girl in his team, he would… He would do something...

Once he reached the Hokage Tower, Nikato realised how ridiculous his demand would seem. There was no textbook reason for why she should be taken out of their team. The animosity affected their dynamics, but the only mission they had had together proved they could still work together successfully. He would just have to endure it.

Beaten, he sat on the stairs of the Tower and remembered her words on that mission. «Unlike you, I can take annoying people if it means doing my duty.» He could also take despicable people for duty. Their time at the Academy had showed that. They didn't bicker, they mostly ignored each other, and had harmless, even helpful to the students, competitions. But it still hurt so deeply to have Ayame's place stained by her presence. It hurt so deeply not to have Ayame's kindness but the Kyura's harshness.

Nikato held his head on his hands with a desperate grasp. He still had the image of her final moments burned into his mind. That small acceptant smile as her eyes glazed and turned blank. She had been so young, so generous. Her life would do better for the world than a dead clan's entitled heiress. It was painfully unfair. He couldn't hold his tears any longer. A shinobi should be stoic and detached, but it seemed disrespectful to bear her death impassively.

"Got dumped?" Hansuke-sensei asked. Nikato discreetly washed the tears behind his ginger bangs. "Hm, Nikato?"

Keeping his face hidden under his hair, he answered with a groggy voice, "You first need a girlfriend to get dumped, Sensei."

"So, feeling lonely. I see…" he sat beside him and laid a heavy hand on his shoulder, shaking him gently. "I was on my way to lunch. Wanna come with?"

"I'm not hungry…"

Sensei was silent for a moment, probably accessing his next words. He knew why Nikato was having a break down, he always knew.

"I miss her too, you know. And it's okay to hurt, but Ayame wouldn't want you to become a bitter, brooding man. Not when you're so obviously the opposite."

Nikato accepted his sensei's words. He had heard them so many times now. From Hansuke-sensei, from his parents, even from Kisamaru, especially from himself. But he couldn't move on from the gaping hole in his chest, filled only with guilt, pain and anger. He could no longer hold the brutal uproar ruling his mind and spirit. Everything burned so intensely in him, Nikato couldn't bear it anymore. After two years, he was still being ripped apart.

He pulled his head up from his hands. "I hate her."

"Who?" Sensei asked genuinely confused.

"The Kyura. I hate her. I want—I need her out of the team."

"You do realise she has nothing to do with Ayame-chan's death."

"It's not because of that." Hansuke-sensei raised an unconvinced eyebrow at him "Yes, she's barging into a place she doesn't belong, but it's not only that. She's… I don't know… I don't like her… I can't work with her…"

"You're being childish, Nikato. I thought you'd help me welcome her into our team, maybe get some sense into Kisamaru's head. But no. You're even worse than him and he's a Hyuga." he gave a tired, long sigh "I'm really trying to make this work. You're the only one stopping it."

"The only one!?" Nikato stood up and, with big gestures, started shouting "What about her?! She doesn't care about any of us! She just likes showing off and pretend she's above everyone! I can't stand people like that! Ayame-chan would throw herself in front of a kunai for me!" again, angry and anguished tears escaped down his cheeks "And she did do it! And now she's dead! She's dead… because of me… and the Kyura is taking her from us…"

Hansuke stood up, looking down at his student, he pressed a strong calming hand to his shoulder. Nikato stopped his enraged commotion and let his heavy tired breaths quiet down, while he waited for his sensei to talk.

"We both know you're putting all that anger on her." he said softly "She deserves more than that. You deserve more than that, Nikato. You have to free yourself from it or it will eat you up." he then gave him a kind smile, squeezing his shoulder and shaking him lightly "Now, let's go get some food and a drink. On me."

Sensei was the most steady, reassuring person he had ever met. Hansuke-sensei always knew how to get him back on the ground when he freaked out or let his head wander the clouds. He could pull people out of the dark and wold give his all to his teammates, friends and Village. As Nikato watched his sensei's back lead the way as he followed, he couldn't help but swell in admiration and pride. He had been the luckiest of kids for the privilege of being taught by such a powerful shinobi and above all good man. Because Giranai Hansuke, above all, was a good man.

His stomach growled in hunger. The anticipation for food made him forget all about that little, very provocative comment about misplaced rage and resentment.

* * *

The children gradually left the training field for lunchtime recess. Some came to the two chunin for extra tips on their kunai handling. Most of them didn't seem scared of Gohama, albeit intimidated and wary. She didn't expected them to willingly approach her after the intimidation tactic she had used on that obnoxious girl, who, along with her group, kept running without further instructions. Gohama knew they were wishing for her to leave so they could stop without the threat of a kunai to the head. This, however, only made her more zealous in her advices for the few students left.

The last kid to reach her was cute little Daiki. Something about his helpless cherubic face preyed on her instinct to protect him. He gave her a shy smile, grasping a kunai in his hand eagerly. His chubby cheeks swelling from the twist of his mouth drew in her a need to crush the poor kid. She hadn't felt the instinctive rule of cuteness over affection in a long time and the violence of it unsettled her slightly. It was a strange contradictory need to both protect and crush. Those cheeks asked to be squeezed, not cuddled. She settled of ruffling his dark hair. He raised his green eyes to her.

"Thank you, Gohama-san." he quietly said.

She gave me a kind smile in return and another brushing of his hair. "Any time, kiddo."

Her heart suddenly twitched as another adorable childish face overlapped Daiki's. Only then did Gohama realise how much this kid reminded her of her brother Yukine. It explained why it had irked her so deeply when the girl injured him, why she had been especially attentive to him, why she had the urge to look after him. The warmth was gone. He must have sensed this, because he pouted slightly. It hurt too much to look at him. She waved and walked away.

"I didn't know you could use medic jutsu." Kisamaru commented, expecting her to explain.

"Simple ones."

"Did something upset you?" she didn't offer him an answer.

They were out of the Academy and Hyuga kept following her fast strides. Didn't he have nowhere else to go? She just wanted some alone time.

"What do you want?" she asked.

"Nothing. I'm going to lunch."

Gohama was walking towards the catering area of Konoha, so he did get her there. She decided to focus on the sound of their crunchy steps against the dirt street. People out of work for their lunch break were beginning to fill the restaurants. It didn't bother her, though. She knew a bar that at this time of day only had a few usual patrons. She could already taste the soothing bite of alcohol down her throat.

"Hey, Kisamaru! Gohama!" she had hoped that chakra signature would just ignore her.

Hansuke and Nikato were sitting at the end of a long wooden table inside an open restaurant. She couldn't pretend she hadn't heard them, since her chakra sense would give out their presence anyway. Besides, Hyuga nudged her to attention too noticeably. There was such a cheerful tilt to Hansuke's tone that she didn't have the guts to ignore him. Another lovely meal as a team where their team leader would desperately try to force friendly conversation.

"For a moment I thought you would split." Hansuke told her as she sat beside Nikato.

"That makes both of us." she grumbled, grabbing their bottle of sake and filling a stray cup.

"That's our sake." Nikato said harshly.

"Don't worry," she smiled sweetly at him for his abrupt reaction "I'll pay."

"So, Nikato told me about your little situation with a seven-year-old child."

"No need to worry. The girl deserved it."

"Actually, I'm referring to the Kyura's heiress soft spot for kids." Hansuke gave her a self-satisfied grin.

Gohama's sour mood poured through her pointed glance towards him. She really did not need to be reminded of children being brought up to die.

"Fortunately, we only have one week left." Kisamaru shared. He was amusingly awkward around kids "Aren't there any missions for us, Hansuke-sensei?"

"Don't tell me you're more scared of some cute little children than missing-nin?"

"I have to interact with children, not kill them."

"At least, you understand that." he teased with a hard pat on his shoulder "Gohama not so much."

She snorted and jokingly mumbled, "I threaten one child…"

Their food arrive along with one more bottle of sake. Kisamaru had been traumatised since their last drinking session, so he hadn't tasted alcohol after that. The conversation ran more easily that afternoon while they burned time until their training. Older ninja would sit beside them on the long table, never refraining from greeting Hansuke. He always greeted them back with a friendly smile and a promise for a drink "sometime". If one wanted to be left alone, they should never go out with Hansuke.

"Asuma! I haven't seen you in ages…"

Gohama remembered the chakra signature, accompanied by a familiar one, behind her from somewhere… He was one of the sensei from the chunin exams. The one who had fought with Uncle Tsukate on the Third Ninja War.

"Well, you know how it is, between missions and taking care of my team…"

"Then join us." he said, pointing to the vacant spots next Kisamaru and Gohama. It was the first person between all he had greeted that he actually invited to lunch with them. "You too, Hatake, don't think you can scramble off without us noticing."

They ordered their food and sat. Asuma turned to her. "It's good to see you again, Kyura. How's Hansuke been treating you?"

"Like a princess."

"He always did have a soft spot for a pretty girl."

Gohama, with a smirk, turned to him, whose softly pinked cheeks showed his embarrassment. "I'll make sure to take advantage of that."

"Don't you need to be a pretty girl first?" Nikato boldly mocked her.

She could feel a warning kick from Hansuke underneath the table. She wasn't offended by the comment, but she could never let that slip. "You sure like to stare at my non-prettiness during training."

"It's not—I'm not—I don't stare at you." his face was a burning red "I'm only accessing your fighting position."

The table laughed at his poor excuse, except for Kisamaru, probably out of sympathy for his shamed friend, and Kakashi that only let out a soft chuckle.

"Kid, you should know women always know when we're looking, even if they pretend they don't." Asuma explained with a wise tone that only made Gohama roll her eyes.

People and their platitudes about people. She only noticed Nikato because he did little to hide his glances. Gohama had caught him staring at her multiple times, not due to some womanly instinct, but only because his eyes were nailed to her butt even when she called him to attention over her shoulder. Kakashi noticed her distaste about Asuma's comment, which seemed to amuse him. However, with his limited range for expressing any type of emotion and under that mask, she could never be sure. It was understandable why he wore it.

"Maybe that's just what women what us to think." Kakashi countered.

Now she rolled her eyes even harder. What a stupid discussion to have at lunch and completely sober. He looked at her.

"Why would they want us to think that?" Nikato eagerly asked. He was enjoying the older men's experienced insight on the secret world of women.

"Well, kid," Kakashi started with a feigned wise tone, copying Asuma's "they obviously want us to think they are in control. It's all bluff. Women are as much lost as men are."

"As in a battle." Kisamaru whispered, his head nodding and pondering, almost scientifically.

"What do you think, Kyura?" Nikato questioned her "You're a woman…"

"Remarkable observation." she mocked. "Surprising coming from you, Nikato."

Provoked by her insult, the ginger starter lashing on her with weak, impulsive comebacks, forgetting his question. Gohama had managed to escape that tight room without being cornered against the wall.

Honestly, she had no opinion and no interest in forming one. She was, after all, a girl out of the monastery. Her contact for seven years had been limited from middle aged to ancient men vowed in celibacy. While gathering information about the massacre through the towns around the monastery, she had used her feminine, although extremely rough, charm to gain some intel. It had worked on desperate low class thugs because any attention from the opposite sex was enough for them to get careless. However, she was completely inexperienced in the games of seduction between men and women. It was too complicated for her. People were simple. They either wanted to have sex or not wanted to have sex. But, for some ludicrous reason, they loved to complicate things. Maybe it was the pressure and high of the games and manipulation. Maybe seducing was entertaining in itself. Gohama didn't know and she wasn't interested in knowing, unlike her hormone bursting teammate lashing out on her.

Gohama realised then that Hansuke had been surprisingly quiet in the discussion. She wondered what he thought of the subject. If anyone commented anything else, she would gauge his reaction.

"So, Gohama, what do you think?"

Outside the room she had just escaped was only a small closet and Kakashi was already blocking the exit, before she could get out. She was sure he was smirking under that mask.

"Why so interested?" she asked with an underlying accusation.

He gave, to much her chagrin, the finest expression of innocence to accompany his words, "You are the only girl at the table."

He knew she was uncomfortable with this conversation. Before Gohama could stutter the dignity out of her person, an ANBU operative materialized beside the head of the table. The six turned to him. "Hokage-sama requests the presence of Kyura Gohama, Hyuga Kisamaru and Hayashi Nikato."

Then he left.

"That was sooner than I expected." she lightly said.

"Why would Tsunade-sama care about such a small thing?" Kisamaru asked with concern.

"Maybe she just wants a reason to kick me out of the Village."

"Why do I always get dragged into shit you do!" Nikato whined with a finger rammed into her face.

"You're probably just a witness." the Hyuga reasoned.

The trial like language didn't ease the redhead's mind.

"There's no need to worry. For once, Gohama didn't actually act poorly, though she didn't have to be so brutal."

"What happened, may I ask?" the team snapped their heads to Asuma, after forgetting he and Kakashi were there.

"Kyura threatened to stab an Academy student." Nikato said dismissively and focussed back on his sensei.

"Were you always this troublesome, Gohama?" Kakashi asked with an amused tone.

"Oh shut up, Hatake. I'm sure you would have done the same."

"Mm, yes, but I wouldn't threaten, I'd just stab away."

She chuckled at his antics.

"You two psychos are good for each other." Nikato scorned.

"A little respect for your superiors, you wouldn't want me to start stabbing away." Nikato took the Copy nin's threat to heart "The audacity of kids these days," he complained with a shake of his head "comparing me to a Kyura."

"When you're so obviously inferior." she completed. Kakashi was ready to retort when she interrupted him "Deny all you want, but you did follow my lead by only threatening just now."

He glared at her, reluctant to give her the clear win. "Are you making me stab your teammate?"

"Oh please."

"Psychos…" Nikato mumbled under his breath a little hesitantly.

"Stop with your disturbing bickering, you two. And you three just go already. You shouldn't keep the Hokage waiting, especially not when you're already under disciplinary action." they raised from their seats "And, Gohama," Hansuke called "please, tone down on the insubordination. You don't want another month of D-rank missions."

Before they left earshot, Kakashi asked, "Did you actually reported her for insubordination?"

"No. It was against the Hokage herself." Hansuke sighed.

"Gods, that girl doesn't take shit from anyone." Asuma chuckled. "Well, she is a Kyura…" Asuma concluded.

Was that how people saw her clan? From what she remembered, Father had to take a lot of shit from a lot of people. She had had to take shit herself.

"No." Kakashi countered "That's just Gohama."

"Yeah, that's just Gohama…" her team leader agreed.

* * *

The Hokage had called the three chunin because the girl Gohama had threatened was the granddaughter of one of the Council Elders, Homura Mitokado. Because the accused was benefiting from asylum, the other Elder were also present. It had been obvious they had just wanted to assess her in person. When they entered the office, both Nikato and Kisamaru had been ready to collapse from dread. Gohama didn't know who the three older people were so she had felt little uneasiness. Except for one of them.

She learned his name was Shimura Danzo. Gohama had shivered when she first sensed his eerie chakra. The type of chakra that emanated icy threat, as a snake, sliding through her awareness and constricting her with slyness and alarm. She hadn't shivered because of a chakra for some time now. He was hiding something under his bandaged eye and arms, there were several points of chakra build-up. Unfortunately, he had stayed quiet, impartial even, for the entirety of their scolding. If she hadn't felt his calculating eyes stripping every of her reactions, he would seem indifferent.

In the end, Gohama, along with both her teammates, was glad to leave that room, with a punishment or not. It was obvious Homura didn't want her in the Village, while Tsunade and the female Elder did. Danzo didn't express his position. Her handling of the bully kid was only Homura fishing for reasons to exile her, maybe even defend his family's name. In truth, she hadn't hurt any children, just dealt with a poorly behaving one. According to Iruka-sensei, who had been informed of the situation before, the Homura girl had a habit of tormenting her classmates. Tsunade went as far as saying she would have done the same. The children were learning to be ninja, they had to respect their classmates and handle stressing situations, such as threats. So, the team left with nothing but a warning and sour glances from Homura.

"This will taint our image with the Elders." Kisamaru worried when the office doors closed behind them.

"Homura was just bitter because his precious granddaughter got what she deserved." Gohama commented. "If I had actually gotten in trouble, it would have been pure nepotism."

"Nepotism?" Nikato asked.

The other two rolled their eyes.

"Do you know anything about that Danzo guy?" she asked them with a casual tone.

"Not really, just that he used to be one of the Elders. He's a secretive person." Hyuga answered.

"Secretive? _Hmph_, that's a nice way of saying creepy." Nikato turned to her with a shrug "That's what everyone thinks."

"Mm." was her only reply. "See you at training. Sorry for the trouble."

"Did she actually apologized to us…?" the red-head whispered.

She was too focussed on her thoughts to care. It was time to find Kakashi.

He was no longer at the restaurant, nor on some random rooftop. Since she had arrived to the Leaf, Gohama had found him occasionally on the stone head of the Forth Hokage, a tree near the training grounds or the memorial stone. After searching for half an hour, it was time to use her enhanced chakra sensing. Its effects were bothersome, but she was too lazy to rifle every corner of Konoha. She sat comfortably on top of a higher building near the grounds and blocked all her other senses. The rush of information left her as overwhelmed as the first time. Luckily, his familiar signature was close and fast to find. A headache settled on her nape and temples. Training fields it was.

Kakashi was sitting on a high branch, back against the trunk, soaking in the sun while his _Icha Icha_ rested on his lap. She had already hidden her chakra. Trying to sneak on the Copy Nin was a game of hers, not that she encountered him often, but when she did, she tried. With slick movements, she landed on his branch. He still had his eye closed and seemed to be sleeping. Maybe this was the day. Her chest already fluttering in a victory she stepped with her feet on each side of his shins, ready to snatch his dear book. She lowered herself in a silent squad and slid her hands through the air towards _Icha Icha Paradise_.

"What do you want?"

The smirk on her lips withered into a frown. She was sure he hadn't sensed her chakra and had made no noise, so how was he always aware of her presence? Well, might as well take his book. Before she could touch the cover, his hand grasped her wrist. And his dark droopy eye finally opened.

"You're not old enough for that."

She sat heavily on his shins and he grunted too loudly for her added weight. "Old enough to have sex but not to read about sex. Makes no sense."

His eyebrow rose. "Who says you're old enough?"

"The law." she deadpanned.

He harshly pulled his legs from under her. "What do you want, Gohama?"

"Can't I be here just to enjoy your company?" she asked with a sweet voice and smile.

"No."

"Yeah, you're right. Who would ever enjoy your company?"

"Then I guess I should go." he threatened with a shrug and the movement of his hands for the teleportational sign. Before he could form it, his hands were trapped in a chakra field. "That's a very annoying trick."

"I just need to ask you something."

"Why not ask Hansuke?"

"I'm asking you." she coaxed with a coy smile.

"Are you stuck on D-ranks again and want me to ge—"

"No. Tsunade was very reasonable actually. If I ask you, will you really answer me with all your privileged Copy nin knowledge?"

His mask rippled into what seemed like a smirk. Gohama did not like that mischievous glint in his eye. "Only if it isn't confidential and" he stopped for suspense while raising his finger in the air "you answer what I asked you at lunch."

That's why he was so pleased. His bouncy tone was irritating. "What did you ask?"

"Oh, I know you know. About what you think about men and women."

"No. Nikato asked me that, not you." Gohama huffed at his reaction "Did you just roll your eye at me?"

"Yes. It's a simple and fair bargain."

"Okay." Gohama could simply throw him some cliché, expected thing. "Who i—"

"No, I asked first, you answer first."

"You're unbearable, but okay, I don't care. Yes, women always know when men are ogling." she couldn't just tell the truth and betray her own gender.

"That was not my question. My question was what do you think about seduction?"

"You're coming out like a real pervert."

"I read porn in public, what did you expect?" he dismissed her diversion "I'm waiting."

"That if people want to sleep with someone they should just say it. Not toy with each other."

"Oh but where's the fun in that?" he asked in a teasing voice. He was messing with her and it was unfortunately working.

"In the sex."

"You're definitely a girl out of the monastery."

Before she could stop him, Kakashi grabbed her thighs and pulled her closer to him. He had his legs dangling on either side of the branch, as he settled her open ones on top of his. She wasn't used to being this close to another person and couldn't help but blush and push him away. He was still strongly holding her thighs, so she only managed to shove him against the trunk. The heat and pressure from his large hands made her uncomfortable.

"What do you think you're doing?" she asked with a tired tone.

"Making you blush." he explained as he hands slid to hold her by her back.

She shivered from the unwanted touch. "This is closer to rape than seduction, you know."

"What happened to the Gohama that asked me to join her in a bath?"

Kakashi really didn't want her asking questions. She shoved him back against the tree and moved to straddle him completely.

"If you want to play, we can play, Copy nin." she whispered onto his ear.

Gohama pulled back, her hold strong on his shoulders, her legs intertwined in his, and smirked. With a push to the left, they both fell from the branch. She heard him gasp from surprise. He helplessly tried to free himself from her, so he could land safely. Right before they hit the ground, she released him and drove chakra onto her feet to cushion the fall. A loud thud echoed through the quiet forest followed by her laugh. For a moment, she wondered if the Kakashi grunting on the ground would disappear in a puff of smoke, but she couldn't sense any other chakra shadow. He could have teleported when they were falling. Warily, she crawled towards him, still laughing.

"Is that really you?" she asked between giggles.

He just glared at her, spread out on the grass. She would have felt vulnerable under his dark eye, if her laughs hadn't been racking her entire body. She lay beside him, holding her sore stomach, trying to calm her laughter that was now hurting. Her chest swelled in both victory and amusement. She felt so light. How long had it been? She had missed this abandoned, uncontrollable laugh.

"If you tell this to anyone…" his tone was enough to help her settle down.

"Gods, I haven't laughed like this for years…" her speech was still disturbed by chuckles.

Then, he let out a few chuckles of his own, but soon grunted again and covered his face in the crook of his elbow.

"This definitely counts for every time I didn't sneak up on you. How do you even sense me?"

"Pure skill." He slowly sat up and glanced at her. "Stop it."

"I'm not doing anything."

"Stop smiling, it's weird."

She sat up as well and poked his rib, he flinched.

"You're saying that because it's contagious. I can see you trying to hold yours in. There's no need to be a sore loser, Kakashi, even if you were played by a chunin." she teased to his profile.

He moved his face to the other side and passed a hand through his hair. "What did you want to ask me?"

"Your pride's that hurt?" she chuckled "I'd swear you're little play up there was to get out of answering me."

"Just ask." he mumbled.

"Who's Danzo?" She felt him tense up. "That bad, huh?" He didn't reply "We had a deal."

"He used to be one of the Council Elders."

"You know more."

He turned to her with an eye-crinkle. "That's it."

"We had a fucking deal, Kakashi."

"Why do you want to know?" he asked seriously.

"He was at the Hokage's office. He didn't leave the best of impressions."

"Stay away from him then. Be as invisible as possible."

"I'm not sure that will work anymore. He seemed particularly interested in me."

"What did he say?"

"Nothing. He just studied me." he let concern escape from his expression and quickly corrected it "Let me guess. That isn't good."

He turned ahead again, hiding his face from her. Not good at all. "Just stay away from him."

"What if I can't?"

"That's most likely." he brushed his hand though his mane again "Give me the combination for the locking seals of your apartment."

"I can't."

He turned his head back to her. "I know you think I'm the most trustworthy person in this Village, even if you don't actually trust me."

"Does he want to kill me?"

"Maybe. Maybe not. No one knows what he wants, really."

"Why don't you tell me anything more?" she asked, accusation underlying in her tone.

"Gohama…" he hissed, exasperated "I'm not out to get you. Didn't I show that enough?"

"You were behind Phase 2."

"No I wasn't. I tried to stop Tsunade, I was there to make sure they wouldn't go too far." his voice became harsher "Do you think I enjoyed watching that? I watched a friend almost kill himself, for fucks' sake. I felt what you felt. Everything. Even your mother's dea— I'm sorry we did that to you… I truly am… I still don't understand how Tsuna—" his words were interrupted by a gasp. He stood up quickly and disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

Gohama flopped onto the grass. She absently watched the light piercing through green leaves while thinking of what to make of this. The underlying, barely present, strain in Kakashi's voice as he spoke echoed still. Could she believe him? Had he not wanted Konoha to invade her memories? Uncle trusted him with no restraint. How well could Tsukate know him, a Konoha nin, to rely with such abandonment on him? She trusted Uncle's judgement, but still, people failed and people betrayed. Why would Danzo want to kill her in the first place? Maybe Kakashi was trying to manipulate her into fearing an nonexistent threat so he could win her trust. But again, why? Why would he lie?

She just hoped he hadn't disappeared to sink her in more trouble.


	13. II - Chapter 2

Part II | Chapter 2

* * *

The three chunin had agreed to go out for drinks to celebrate the end of their time at the Academy. Nothing like getting drunk after a punishment for getting drunk, Nikato had shouted. They had obviously invited Hansuke, he helped mediate the team members. Nikato still wasn't keen on Gohama's presence, even if they seemed to get along when drunk.

Friday night meant the bars were lively. They had chosen the first they had gone together as a team the day they met, Ippon. It was frequented by ninja mostly, especially jonin and ANBU, although no one really knew who was in ANBU or not. At eleven, most of the tables were already full. There was a hierarchy. The tables across the door were reserved for the most respected Konoha shinobi, because they held the safest spots on the bar, especially the corner one.

Once the three arrived, already out of their rank's comfort zone, they let Gohama take the only seat left at the counter and stood, waiting for their drinks. Ippon was always loud, the background music drowning in animated shouts and chatting. The air smothering with smoke and sweat, although the space was wide enough not feel claustrophobic. The wooden tables and chairs were old and creaking. The floor worn and sticky. The alcohol was cheapish when compared with more fancy bars and good quality, which only meant it wasn't watered down. The taste mattered little to nin out for a distraction. Nothing beat down the vegetable kushikatsu. Everyone knew the place had gained its fame for the deep-fried vegetables.

For Gohama, the bar was too sociable. People went there to hang out, maybe find someone for the night, and not drink in peace. She preferred quieter bars with fewer customers. Crowds always made her overwhelmed, especially highly skilled ones. The amount of chakra signatures fighting for supremacy over her senses was draining and dazing. It made her anxious not to be able to distinguish all signatures. On a higher note, she could use the bar to train her sensibility. At that moment, she could differentiate about fifty chakra. The familiar ones were Kakashi's, at the corner table and corner seat, not surprising for the Copy nin, Iruka's, at the same table, two from other sensei that had been at the Chunin Exams, and Bear's, now she could see his face. Discretely turning her head towards his table across from the door, she searched for his face. There the man was. As big as before and more good-looking than she had expected. But only because she had expected a jagged looking guy and he was actually quite plain, with chubby cheeks hidden behind his full beard.

They were on the third serving and Hansuke still hadn't arrived. There was no conversation flowing, so they decided to just keep on drinking. Kisamaru assured that soon enough Nikato would start chatting and not shut up until passing out.

When she began asking for a fourth glass, Iruka's chakra signature crept in behind her. She really did not want to confront him after her little predicament with his student. She knew he was very protective of them. It felt ridiculous to care so much what he thought of her. Especially when it had nothing to do with her skill, but him not looking down on her. She was ready to drown the next round.

"Gohama-san!" he called, tapping on her shoulder.

Obviously hiding behind her hair hadn't worked. "Gohama." she corrected.

"Yes, I'm sorry. Gohama." he brushed the hairs of his nape. "I have to offer you and your team a drink!" he said gleefully.

Behind her, Nikato cheered. That had surprised her. Of course he wouldn't look down on her, he was too kind. If he ever did, then that person had to be extreme. Maybe that was why she was so worried about his opinion. His cheeks were reddened and his speech slightly slurred. Gohama had never expected to see drunk Iruka. He got their orders.

"Come on, let's get to the table." he said while juggling the glasses in his hands.

"What…?" the red-head whispered in disbelief "the corner table…?"

"Yeah, that's where I was."

"But… but that's the corner table…" he tried explaining.

Gohama patted him on the cheek. "They're people just like us."

Honestly, Gohama couldn't help but feel slightly intimidated by the chakra waving off that table. They walked behind Iruka, trusting him reluctantly with the drinks.

"I brought Hansuke's kids" Gohama cringed at that denomination "with me as a thank you for taking care of my class."

The woman and Kakashi raised their glasses as greeting and the man sucking on a senbon smirked at her. She frowned at him. "So, you brought the Kyura to us." the guy said. He patted the spot on the bench next to him and winked "You can sit here."

Gohama moved to the other bench, ending up between Kakashi and Iruka. Nikato and Kisamaru sat on the chairs, their backs towards the bar's door.

"Oh, yeah, I forgot you two were friends." he pointed to Gohama and Kakashi with his beer.

"Best friends." she deadpanned.

"Well, Kyura, we can be more than friends." he extended his hand to her over the table and she shook it "Genma."

"Gohama."

"This is Anko." he nudged the purple haired woman beside him.

"Those two are Nikato and Kisamaru." she pointed with her scotch.

"Only Hansuke to accept both a Hyuga and Kyura in his team..." Anko commented "Aren't you always lashing at each other?"

"Oh, Kisamaru doesn't need to be a Hyuga for us to do that, right, Kisa-kun?"

He gave a fast awkward nod.

"Take a drink, kid, relax a little…" Genma coaxed "I swear I don't bite, at least not the men. I can't vouch for Anko here, though."

"Thank you for your offer, Genma-sempai, but last time I drank—" he glanced at Kakashi and lowered his eyes.

"You don't need to be scared of Hatake," he clasped Kakashi's shoulder "he acts all tough but he's too lazy to care."

"He's not scared." Gohama defended "It's respect."

"What does drinking as anything—"

"The three got drunk on a mission with me." Kakashi explained.

That obviously didn't help Kisamaru's embarrassment, who was now red throughout his face and neck. Genma and Anko started laughing.

"So that's why you were stuck for a month at the Academy." Iruka realised.

"Suke-kun's team is wild." Anko said between laughs.

"Where is he?" Kakashi asked Gohama quietly.

"Have now idea. He was supposed to meet us here, but is obviously very late."

"How late?" he raised his voice so she could hear him above Anko's and Genma's amused mocking.

"An hour and a half, give or take."

He flinched. It was small, but Gohama was already studying him. Why would he ask how long unless he knew where Hansuke was? He drank the rest of his beer and started ripping off the label with his nails. She pretended not to notice his tense state. After a few minutes, he excused himself saying he was tired and had _Icha Icha_ waiting for him. Gohama followed him. Genma joked about them sleeping together. She didn't care about that. Before she could reach Kakashi, a strong hand grasped her arm. She turned to the man with a scowl. Fucking Bear.

"What the fuck do you want?"

"Always so feisty, Kyura." he leered.

"Don't touch me, Bear." she tried squirming away from his hold. He responded by squeezing her arm harder.

"How do you know?" he growled threateningly.

"Slow in mind and body. How are you even in ANBU?"

"Who told you?!" he shook harshly her "Was it dear Hansuke-_sensei_?"

"Get the fuck off me!" she hissed, her other hand trying to open his ruthless grip.

"That's enough." Kakashi ordered beside them.

Just with that he let her go, but too late. Hatake was already out the door. She ran to catch him. Stupid man, what was he hiding? She followed his signature and caught up with him when he dropped down from a roof.

"Where is he?" she demanded, still running to reach him "Answer me, Hatake." He obviously ignored her. Exhaling an exasperated curse, she locked him on a chakra field. "Don't you dare puff away, again. Is it a mission?"

He finally turned to her, his eye crinkled in a smile. "It's nothing. I just really need to go to the bathroom."

"So you run from me."

"Pooping is embarrassing."

"Yeah, you do seem to be full of shit." she retorted in anger.

"That's why I need to go to the bathroom."

"For fuck's sake, Kakashi!" with a flick of her wrist, she pulled him to her. Stabbing a finger into his chest, she hissed "You told him, didn't you? If it was a mission you'd just say it was a mission. Where the fuck is he? Answer me!"

His fake smile disappeared. "That's what I'm trying to find out." he explained seriously.

She shoved his chest. "I told _you_! Why did you have to tell Hansuke? Do you have any idea how guil—" she turned away from him and jumped onto a high roof. He followed her.

"What are you doing?" he looked down on her confused.

"Finding him."

"I have ninken that can follow his trail."

"I'm faster."

She sat down and closed her eyes. With the amount of alcohol she had drunk, it was likely she would throw up. Kakashi's feet were standing in the perfect place. Just when she started, Hansuke's chakra entered her sensorial field. Relief released the cold hand pressing against her stomach.

"He's coming."

She watched him for any tell-tale of relief. He was as slouched as always, hands shoved into his pockets. Hansuke went to them.

"Hey—" he started with a wave.

"Where have you been?"

"Home, _mum_. Shouldn't you be at Ippon?"

"Not after he" she pointed to Kakashi over her shoulder "freaked out when you were late. And stop making gestures behind my back, Kakashi." she stepped to the side to talk to both of them "What the hell is going on? And why don't you tell me anything? It is me he is interested in. I deserve to know whatever you're hiding from me. So, just start talking."

The two shared a meaningful look and sighed at the same time.

"My place." Hansuke said.

He grabbed her by the waist and pulled her to him. Then, they were both sucked into a whirlpool and came out inside a traditional Japanese house. Its charm reminded her of her own destroyed home.

"Thanks for the warning." she deadpanned and pushed him away.

"Welcome to my home." he wished with a kind smile. Why did Hansuke had to smile so much? "Tea?"

"Stronger."

"Sake it is."

They had landed in the kitchen-dining room combo. A long counter separated a wide wooden table from the kitchen itself. Hansuke was fetching glasses from the cupboard and heating some leftovers. Kakashi, for some reason, was late. These left her to entertain herself with rummaging through the papers spread on the table. Nothing interesting, just the report from the mission she hadn't been allowed to partake.

"Stop snooping around, Go-chan."

"Don't call me that."

His reaction was to chuckle. She let the papers slid from her fingers onto the table. A wide shoji door was slid open and led to a poorly maintained backyard. The grass was wild, although cut. Apart from a peach tree at the end, the terrain was barren. He was in his early twenties, the house had to be inherited.

"You live alone?"

"Yes."

"In a civilian neighbourhood? Is your family civilian?"

"My mother was. My father was from Kumo. That's why I have what you describe as a flawless golden tan."

_Was_.

"I'm sorry." she said quietly.

"Don't be. The women find it quite attractive."

She didn't doubt him. He was an attractive man, with his intense hazel eyes surrounded by dark lashes and kind smile.

"Never took you for a man that would ignore grief."

"It was just a joke, Gohama, there's no need to look so much into it. They died when I was really young, all the grief I had to do is already done." he served a plate of food "Hungry?"

She shook her head. He brought the plate and bottle of sake onto the table, shoving the papers away and then sat. She took the seat in front of him.

"Isn't grief for the rest of someone's life?" she asked.

"Loss is." he served her a glass of sake "Once you find peace with someone's death there's no more need to grieve."

She served him back. Before she could take the sake to her lips, he clinked his glass with hers. Gohama doubted he could have accepted his parents' death. The anguish she felt for her family would never disappear, she would never find peace over her slaughtered Village. Loss was too painful, too holing.

"You don't believe me." he stated. "You should."

"Do you have any other family?"

"In Kumo. The Harada clan. But it's not really family, I never met them. They only know I exist because of my recognition as the Void of Konoha. It's a clan's jutsu. My father defected."

"Why?"

"For my expecting mother. For love."

"What about his duty?"

"He also had a duty to my mother and me, don't you think?"

"Yes… but…"

"The Harada men are known for devoting themselves to their women above anything else."

"Do you?"

"Not yet." he said with a charming smile "Or maybe I just took after the Giranai blood."

It was the same as in their first mission together. He just shared freely and honestly. Something swelled in her chest, both warm and piercing. This time there was no pain when he spoke about his parents, unlike with Ayame. Maybe it was true, maybe he was past grief.

"Why are you telling me this?"

"You asked."

"Yes, but you didn't have to answer."

"I wanted to. Can't I just want to talk about myself?" he smirked "Don't you want to know me better, Gohama?"

She did. She really did. Something about him made her curious to know more. Was it fascination? Hansuke was a skillful shinobi, but her interest went beyond that. Gohama wanted to understand him and she had no reason behind simply wanting to.

"Do _you_ want to know me better, Hansuke?" she asked back with a mimicking smirk.

"Yes, but you don't make things easy."

"Poor Suke-chan."

"Don't call me that."

"Why not? It's so cute, little Suke-chan."

He stood up, settled his hands firmly on the table, and leaned menacingly over her. She stared up at him in amusement. With a condescending voice, she mocked, "Ooh, very scary, little Suke-chan."

In a flash, Gohama hit his arm and Hansuke lost his support, almost falling face first against the table, if he hadn't supported himself on his elbow in time. His yelp of surprise loosened her laughs. He glared at her, his position tense and muscles taunt. He was going to attack. She fled from her spot and, as expected, he ran after her. When she jumped over the counter onto the kitchen, he managed to grab her cloak. To escape, she let the fabric slide off her arms. His disappointed face made her laugh even more.

"Very clever. I'll catch you."

They ran around the room like two little children, giggling over a simple game of tag. Gohama used the furniture as safe barriers. Hansuke was extremely fast, she knew this first hand from their spars. It was only a matter of time until he reached her, but it was fun, even exciting, all the same. It happened when she jumped over the counter back onto the dining room and he circled around it before she even touched the floor. He shoved her into the table. Now was her time to yelp, as a pen stabbed into her back. He laughed just as she did. She tried to shove him away, but he held her hands against his chest.

"You have to learn how to respect your superiors."

"Very threatening, Suke-chan."

"You call me cute, but you look like a doll, you know, Go-chan. With your pale skin and rosy cheeks."

"No, I don't." she riled up at the comment and pushed against him again "It's enough. Get off me."

"Only if you treat me right. Honorific and all." he bargained with a self-satisfied smile. "Beg, "please, Hansuke-sensei"."

"That's very kinky, Suke-chan."

He lowered himself closer to her. The pressure of his weight was becoming too uncomfortable, she could barely reach the ground with her feet. He knew this and used it against her. She wouldn't give in, though, choosing to tilt her head to the side, away from him. What was up with people using her discomfort with closeness to get their way? That sounded very wrong.

"What's this?" his change of tone surprised her.

She looked at the place where his fingers were trailing feather lightly over the skin of her upper arm. Fucking Bear had actually bruised her.

"Nothing." she answered harshly, impatience making her push more forcefully against his hold.

He pushed one of his hands onto her lower stomach to stop her movements. "Stop squirming." he hissed, his voice strained "Who did this?"

She gave an exasperated sigh and let her head fall back against the table. "Just get off me, Hansuke."

A puff made them snap their heads to the side. Good. He was finally there.

"Am I interrupting something?" Kakashi asked while brushing the back of his head.

"Yes." Hansuke answered.

"No." she said at the same time. "You're late." she added while finally being able to move up.

"Well, you see… I was on my way to—"

"Save it, Hatake." Hanuke cut him off harshly. "And sit down."

"Bad mood, huh?"

"You'd also be if your subordinate was injured and wouldn't tell you why."

"Injured" she scoffed and put her cloak back on "it's a little bruise. You've left me in a worst state many times."

"While sparring."

"Who says this wasn't while sparring?"

"It's obvious someone grabbed you."

"Ah." Kakashi interrupted their petty discussion "That was Bear from my ANBU team back at Ippon. Now, that that's solved can we actually do something proactive?"

"You better put your damn team in place, _Taicho_."

Kakashi's carefree pose didn't change, with its slouched shoulders and hands stuffed into his pockets, but he raised his lone eye to Hansuke with an intensity Gohama hadn't seen since they both had fought at the Uchiha compound.

"Don't tell me how to lead my team."

Hansuke became slightly submissive at his commanding vibe. "Then make sure it doesn't hurt my own team."

"Can we start on the something proactive now?" Gohama almost whined and sat on her spot from earlier.

Hansuke took the head of the table and Kakashi the seat in front of her. She decided it was best to refill everyone's glass with sake.

"Someone start talking."

Kakashi sighed and brushed his hand through his hair. "We still don't know why Danzo is interested in you. Danzo himself is probably the only person who knows."

"But who is he?"

"He's the most powerful and influential person in Konoha besides the Hokage. He fights for the safety of Konoha, but he fights dirty, not caring about the means to reach the ends. He has a secret brainwashed elite division inside ANBU, they're called Root. He'll probably get some of them tailing you, so watch out for that."

"What do you two think he wants from me?"

The men shared another privy look.

"He thinks you're a threat to Konoha, as an outsider, but he can't downright kill you. You're the last with one of the most precious bloodline limits. He's interested in your power. He was the one that convinced the Council to enforce your memory interrogation, Tsunade said so herself."

Gohama chuckled dryly. "He wants to know if I'm the Kyura jinchuriki."

"Are you?" Hansuke asked.

"The jinchuriki died with the Arms."

"The truth doesn't really matter." Kakashi said "He'll try to find out anyway. This can mean a more passive approach, such as surveillance, or—"

"…torture."

"We don't understand how he would react to such information. He could either kill you or try to recruit you."

"If he's following such close tabs on me, he has to know I won't submit to him and I'm too old for brainwashing. He'll probably want to kill me either way, which, considering how powerful he is, doesn't seem very challenging."

"We'll protect you, Gohama." Hansuke reassured with a hand on her shoulder.

She responded with a blank condescending smile. "That's sweet, Suke-chan." he let his hand fall away "You said he wouldn't give up on my bloodline limit so easily. Maybe he wants to experiment on me."

"That is the most likely scenario. That's where I was this evening. Root has a secret research facility, it's nearly impossible to infiltrate it, but the waste has to be put somewhere. Danzo is obsessively careful, even trash disposal is well guarded."

"What did you find?" Kakashi asked.

"Everything you'd expect from common hospital waste, nothing interesting. Then there were different models of bust down chakra shackles and these." he threw Kakashi two vials with pale translucent liquid "Probably won't lead anywhere we want."

"You still have that contact at the hospital's lab?" Hansuke nodded in confirmation and he threw the vials back "I'll check some of the Village funds, see if there's been some more illicit movement since Gohama arrived."

Surprisingly, the worrying over Danzo's creepy persona faltered at the realisation of how much of a danger he was. There wasn't fear. Her life and clan's blood were threatened and yet dread didn't fluster in her chest. Only vigilance. Fear kept people alive, but it was necessary for a ninja to subside it to controlled alarm. Fear made people impulsive and frantic, a shinobi needed thoughtfulness and steadiness to win a battle. She was playing with her glass, when she looked at the two men beside her. She downed the rest of her sake in an attempt to swallow a growing unease.

"Why are you doing this?" she asked, focused on spinning the base of the glass on the wooden table.

"I'm your teammate." Hansuke explained.

"Are you? I'm your subordinate and in your team, but to be a teammate I need to be a mate."

"Is that how you see us?"

"You don't need to feel obligated because of the first mission."

"That's not why—" he started with a rigid tone.

"The why doesn't matter." she raised her gaze to him and with a steady voice explained "You should now I don't intend on doing anything more for your team besides my duty as a kunochi working for Konoha. Don't expect any reciprocation. This is for the both of you. This is what, who you're risking things for."

"It offends me that you think I'm doing this because I expect something back." Hansuke said.

"There's no other reas—"

"Have you ever thought that maybe I just don't want you to die, Gohama!" he lashed out with a raised tone "Or to be locked away to be pocked and tortured! You don't know Danzo like I do. He does horrifying things to get what he wants. So, please, try to see a little beyond your duty-filled nose!"

She locked a threatening gaze on him. "My duty-filled nose?" she hissed "We're shinobi, Giranai, we only have our duty."

"If that's what you think, I really do pity you, Kyura."

A mix of betrayal and hurt punched her guts at his words. She hated pity. There was nothing worse that pity and having Hansuke pity her made her sick, which translated to outrage. It was always outrage when others affected her deeper than she could allow herself. And the way his tongue had said her last name. Hansuke never called her Kyura. It sounded wrong and painful on his voice. Gohama stood up and grabbed the collar of his flak jacket, he looked up at her defiantly and grabbed the collar of her shirt in return.

"And I pity you for thinking _love_" she said the word with despise "is above the duty to your Village."

At that, he stood up. Now it was she glaring at him from below, he pulled her collar higher, until she was straining to get both feet steady on the ground. "Don't be so petty, Gohama, you have no right to judge anyone, especially when you say it like you know what love is."

"That's how I am petty and pitiful and fucking cold." She shoved him away with the help of her chakra and fled, but, just as when they sparred or were playing tag, Hansuke was always faster than her and effortlessly caught her arm. "Get your hand off me." She demanded venomously without turning to him.

"That's not what I meant. You know that's not what I meant, Gohama."

"You know," they both tilted their heads to Kakashi, the glares directed at each other now focused on him. He gave a small, uncomfortable cough. "I'm fairly certain there's a scene in _Icha Icha Violence_ that starts just like this." He turned to Gohama with an insinuating glint "The cynical one ends up begging the hero to show her what love is."

Gohama took a long time to finally let some kind of dignified retort. Hansuke didn't even try. "Don't expect us to enact your perverted personal fantasies."

It came out more bashfully than she had wanted to. A flash of her and Hansuke right on that dining table acting that _Icha Icha_ passage had accompanied her words. She couldn't stop the embarrassing blush that warmed her cheeks. Hansuke's hand around her arm burned now, but he was just glaring at Kakashi, his own cheeks tinted pink. She had to pry his hand away from her.

"I didn't. There's a movie for that."

Hansuke finally reacted. "Can you please shut the fuck up, Hatake."

Kakashi responded with an amused and innocent eye-crinkle. Hansuke downed the rest of his sake and poured more into his cup, Gohama took advantage of that and pushed her own cup next to his as a request for another refill. They both sat down again. Now, Hansuke's presence right next to her was vividly clear and marked in her awareness, from his chakra signature, to the sound of his breathing and the fidgeting of his hands on his sake cup. The focus of the conversation desperately needed to be turned somewhere else. So, she decided to give another speech, this time to Kakashi.

"Uncle Tsukate has nothing to do with me. Just because he sent you that stupid letter it doesn't mean you have to follow me around like a guard dog."

"Stop it, Gohama!" Hansuke snapped with a fist to the table "Stop trying to make us back away. If we're in this is because we want to."

Her comment had worked to dissipate the awkward tension, but she really didn't want to fight anymore. She was still offended with what Hansuke had said and she was sure what she had said before had also offended him. There was no more need to put salt into the wound, much less with Kakashi as an audience. Even if he had helped with his stupid comment. He had certainly said it with that intention.

Relief filled her chest as she felt two familiar chakra signatures entering her sensorial field. The universe decided to be kind. "The boys are coming."

"What? What boys?"

Gohama didn't answer his stupid question. They would enter soon enough. The hysterical laughs of Nikato answered for him, followed by shouts of Hansuke's name. The door to the dining room burst open and the stumbling boys fell inside.

"Are you kids always drunk?" Kakashi asked.

"Sempai! You're like the coolest nin in Konoha."

"I see alcohol makes you lose your mind, Nikato." Gohama joked.

"Don't listen to her, kid. You speak wise words."

"What do you want?" Hansuke asked.

"Sensei! You stood us up, we came looking for you! And we ended up finding Kakashi-sempai and Gohama too! Genma-sempai made us bet on you two. He bet you were gone to sleep with each other. I obviously bet you didn't. There's no way you'd sleep with Kyura, there."

"You bet right, Nikato. I have standards."

"And I'm obviously much too high for them." Kakashi retorted.

Before she could answer back, the redhead's loud slurs narrated their legendary night. How Genma-sempai taught him all about women and how he could get any girl he wanted. He found out Iruka-sensei was the nicest guy. He had bet Gohama hadn't slept with Kakashi, because he didn't think she was the type to fall for his fame and charms. She was extremely pleased with Iruka's opinion on her, Hatake almost pouted. Anko-sempai spent the entire night messing with Kisamaru. According to Nikato, it had been the shiest, most uncomfortable he had seen his friend. The Hyuga ended up supporting himself on alcohol right away. There were other Jonin there but he couldn't remember their names. One of his best nights out. At the end of the rant, Hyuga had passed out on a chair. Hansuke went to lay futon on the living room. They couldn't walk home that night. Her three teammates left for the other room.

"You should let people care for you."

Gohama scoffed and refilled her glass. "Shut up, Hatake. You are in no position to give me lessons about letting people care."

He chuckled. "Stop pretending you know me."

"You can use as many masks as you want but you're not so hard to understand. The mysterious act only sticks to horny women and blind people."

"Spill it, if you know so much." he said with an amused tilt.

"I know you didn't want to train me because of how much it affected you that the Uchiha defected. I know you must have had an Uchiha friend who died and gave you the sharingan. That's why you were at that balcony in the compound that night. He's probably one of the reasons you go to the memorial stone so much. Hansuke said grief can pass, only loss stays. I bet you don't agree with him. I know you, Kakashi. And you know me."

Kakashi answered with a tone as impassive as his expression,"You've given me a lot of thought."

"Of course. I have to understand why Uncle trusts you and if I can trust you."

"Can you?"

"I can't really trust anyone."

He hummed in consideration and stood up, hand signs ready to disappear in smoke.

"I need your chakra." he quirked an eyebrow up in question "so my front door seal can recognise your chakra and let you in."

"Go ahead."

"Lift your shirts." she ordered.

"Very forward girl." He joked but did as she said.

Gohama slid her hand under his clothes to reach his stomach. Laying a hand on his taut skin, she absorbed part of his wild, lightning chakra. She felt it spread through her pathways and shivered slightly at the tingling invasion. When she finished, he raised a hand in a wave and teleported away. Hansuke came back again.

"He left without saying anything to the host, typical Hatake." he whined "Gohama," she turned to face him "About earlier… I got slightly riled up, I'm sorry if I offended you and made things uncomfortable."

She only waved dismissively, without recognising out loud how she had overreacted in a shameful way. She could never apologize as freely as him.

"You can also sleep here if you want. I'd prefer it, actually."

"Don't worry, Hansuke, my apartment is safe. I'll sleep better there." she formed the hand seal to teleport, but hesitated "Thank you."

A push of chakra into her hands and she was in her bedroom.


	14. II - Chapter 3

Part II | Chapter 3

* * *

The night was peaceful and quiet. The soft moonlight allowed them to walk the periphery of the house without a light. In that moment, there were three civilian chakra signatures on the rooms at their left. Gohama had the poisoned senbon ready in her hands. She signalled Nikato to open the door. The woman brushing her hair in front of a mirror flopped back. The redhead caught her limp body before it had hit the ground. After a quick search, they moved on. The rest of the rooms were searched and the civilians set to sleep. Nothing. They continued onto the next floor.

"This is so boring…" Nikato whined

They were searching a wide gallery full of vases, statues and paintings. If the stolen token was somewhere in that mansion it had to be that room.

"Just be thankful we're getting an A-rank pay for a B." she replied while studying every precious object in the shelf before her.

"Why did Hansuke-sensei had to par me up with you? Why suddenly change?"

"Maybe Kisamaru is tired of your whining."

"Or maybe Hansuke-sensei is tired of you being so uptight."

She finished probing her side and turned to him. "Are you even looking for the box?"

He pulled himself away from the wall he was leaning on. "Yeah." at his answer Gohama moved to his side of the gallery, he quickly snapped into action "I don't need your help, Kyura."

Now was her turn to slouch against a wall, attentive to the chakra signatures moving around the building.

"Nothing…"

Gohama pressed the radio's button on her neck. "Hansuke?"

"Go ahead." came a deep static distorted voice.

"We found nothing on our side. Over."

"Copy. Move out to the meeting point. Over."

"Copy that."

Nikato followed behind Gohama. She was the sensorial type, she could discern the best path. For the past two months, the team had completed different missions between B and A-rank. They worked well together, however Nikato's and Gohama's dynamic was still strained. Usually, when they had to divide themselves into two pairs, as sensory nin, the Hyuga and Kyura always stayed apart. Hansuke with Gohama and Nikato with Kisamaru. Now, the team leader had decided it was best to train the least friendly teammates' duo on a less risky mission. She liked working with Hansuke, but, in the end, it was rather indifferent whom she pared up with. The redhead, however, hadn't been pleased with the order. His mood and laziness showed it. She agreed with him in one thing - the mission was boring. Even the nin guarding the rich merchant's mansion weren't enough to spice things up. They were low level and with her sense and Hyuga's byakugan breaking in was pathetically easy. At least, they were finally moving out.

"I mean, it makes no sense to shove us together when I've teamed up with Kisamaru for years now." he kept complaining as they leapt from branch to branch, the mansion disappearing behind them "And you seem to work well enough with sensei. Although, I don't see how he can stand you. You're all work work work, don't even let a guy breathe. We were just searching for some stupid box, there's no need to be so uptight. Is it part of the Kyura to have a stick up their asses all the time?" he chuckled "It actually reminds me of the Hyuga. Ironic, isn't it? What's more ironic even is how Kisamaru is head over heels over you. Not in a romantic sense, though. I actually think he might be asexual. But he's all, you _should respect your teammate_;" he copied Hyuga's poised speech" _it's unbecoming of a shinobi to whine all the time; she's perfectly competent and reasonable, even amiable if you take the time to know her._ Yeah, I know you all right. You come in here, thinking you own everything. Disrespecting the Hokage! Who in their right mind stands up against Tsunade-sama? Think you're all protected because of your bloodline limit" if only he knew she might have a target marked on her forehead, maybe he'd stop ranting with an insufferable irked tone "Do you think someone would actually miss you if you died? You've got no one to miss you if you die."

She jabbed her hand into his throat. Gohama was faster than him, he never had the time to react, as he fell back first onto the ground. The soil cracked beneath him and a layer of dust rouse around the two. His eyes were wide in surprise and uneasiness at her sudden attack. She could feel the fastening beat of his pulse on her palm.

"What do you have against me?" she asked with a curious tone. He didn't answer. "I do appreciate that you admit it to my face, but what is it that bothers you so much? In your little rant you never once gave an actual reason to hate me."

"I said you act like you own everything." he answered hesitantly.

"Good. More reasons."

"And you attacked me out of nowhere" he continued, now fighting against her hold. "I'm you're teammate and you just pin me by the throat? For the second time!" he shouted and kicked her hard on the stomach, throwing her away from him.

Gohama took a fighting stance, arms bent in front of her, ready to defend. "Come on, ginger," she provoked "that's nothing."

He lunged towards her with his fist pushed back, ready to strike. She could have evaded it, but decided to take the hit with her forearms.

"You're…" another punch "…good at…" another hit "…every…" a kick to the stomach "…fucking…" another punch "…thing…" hit "…and it's…" kick "…nothing…" punch "…for you…" his hits kept getting intersected by her arms or legs, every word accompanied by another attack "You feel so superior, so entitled just because of your stupid dead clan. No one cares what your clan is!"

Gohama finally started attacking back. "That's all they care about!" she punched him in the jaw and he flew backwards.

This only encouraged his rage. With a shout, he continued with his hit-showered words. "What do you care! You don't care about anything! You don't even care about your own fucking team! If we died in this mission you'd leave us without looking back!"

Their yells were coming more ragged and interrupted because of their thinner breathing.

"You say that when you don't give a shit about me."

"How can I? You just do our stupid missions, annoy some more people and train! You have no fucking life here, you should have stayed at the monastery! Why didn't you?"

"Because I have to be a better ninja."

"You don't deserve to be a better ninja! You don't deserve your fucking bloodline limit!"

At that last shout, Gohama froze. Nikato was right. She didn't deserve it, she didn't deserve to be a Kyura, she didn't deserve the power locked inside her. Not when she failed her entire Village. When his fist shot towards her face, she didn't dodge it. Pain spread through her jaw and cheek, running down her spine. She didn't even fight the momentum that threw her against a tree. Watching his perfect hit, Nikato started chuckling victoriously, curved with his hands resting on his knees.

"Leave Konoha and leave our team. You don't belong here. You're stealing someone's place."

She let herself slide against the rough bark onto the ground. "That's why you hate me. But I'm not stealing anyone's place. She's dead."

Gohama never thought Nikato could express such a frightening glare, pure rage, hate and pain. He ignored the risk of flaring his chakra so close to the mansion. Forming the hand signs, he focused all his anger in the force of his ninjutsu. The attack was made to kill. As she saw the blades of wind cutting through the trees, Gohama thought it would be so easy to accept the blow. She still had most of her chakra reserves, but her muscles weighed too much to move, her chakra cemented into its pathways. All her energy robbed from her by the destructive sight. So easy to let the blades cut her in half. No pain. No more anything. But her duty reigned higher in her heart. And Hansuke's reaction if he found his student had killed her, Kisamaru's reaction if he found his friend had killed her, Nikato's reaction when he found he had killed her. She was their teammate after all.

A kage bunshin took her place. She protected herself with a chakra shield and fled high up the trees. As Nikato watched her body sliced in two, a look of radiant triumph lit his face. In a flash, panic overpowered it and then regret. Gohama stepped down behind him, fast enough to hear his frightened curse.

"You didn't think you could get rid of me so easily." she joked.

The body sliced in two vanished with a puff and smoke. He spun around, another punch ready to smash her. This time she defended it. They continued with their taijutsu fight, a frantic and ruthless pace.

"We were so much better without you!"

"Why?"

"It hurts so much more now!"

"It's not my fault."

"It is!" he yelled with a kick to her side.

"Why?"

"You're taking her away from me!" his yells were changing into screams.

"I didn't kill her."

They were panting hard from the long, brutal fight. Both of them hurting from some injuries. Gohama was certain her arms had fractures from defending instead of dodging. Maybe a broken rib from that one kick to her stomach. Nikato had his jaw purple and swollen. She hadn't attacked him as much as he had, but he still took some strong hits to his stomach and chest. Besides, his stamina wasn't nearly as high as hers was. His blows were becoming weaker and slower.

"You make it so real…" his ragged voice exhaled. "If you're here she really is gone…"

"It's not my fault."

"I know it's not your fault!" he screamed, surprised at his own admission "But I… I… I'm so angry… and it hurts so much…" he fell onto his knees "it hurts so fucking much…"

Nikato started crying, his tears running freely from his cheeks onto the soil below him. His cries mingled with his tired breathing. Gohama didn't know what to do. She fell onto her knees beside him, trying to slow down her own tired breathing. Suddenly, he threw her another punch. His movements were strained and clumsy, almost drunk like. She let it hit and fell backwards from the force. He fell onto his front with the drive of his blow, unable to balance himself.

"I miss her so much… Ayame… I miss her so much…" he continued mumbling while crying. "Because of me… The kunai was for me… But she… she… It's my fault… she's dead because of me…"

A pang of sorrow hit Gohama. Hansuke hadn't told her the details around the girl's death. She knew how much that guilt weighed, she knew how unbearable it was to drag it day after day. To have the kunai destined for her stab into a friend. She didn't know what to say. She felt awkward hearing his pained tears and words.

"It's not your fault." she started hesitantly "You weren't the one to throw the kunai. She chose to take it for you. It's not your fault that she died."

Sobs continued to rack his breaths and shoulders. "Then why do I feel so guilty…?"

"I don't know…" she answered truthfully.

The two teammates stayed silent while looking at the dark sky between tree branches. From time to time, Nikato let out a sniffle.

"I'm sorry…" he whispered lowly, almost afraid she would hear it "I've been an asshole to you. Gohama… You had to leave your home to come here and I've been making things even harder for you… I'm not usually such an asshole, I just guess you being on the team meant that… that Ayame…

"I understand." she tilted her head towards him "If it makes you hurt a little less, you can be an asshole to me all you want."

He chuckled. "That's nice… But I don't think it helps. And Hansuke-sensei is right, Ayame-chan wouldn't want that. I'm actually ashamed… Even a Hyuga was nicer to you."

"Don't worry, there's a whole clan that still hates me."

"I'll kick their asses if they do anything stupid."

Now was her time to chuckle at his masochistic tendencies. He gave a deep, shaky sigh and started talking. Much like his previous rant that had led to this whole fight and make-up, once he started pouring out words the current didn't stop. Nikato explained how Ayame had been one of his childhood friends since his time at the Academy. They had been inseparable and were really happy when they stayed in the same team. She had been great in genjutsu, which complemented their team. She was so kind and smart and attentive, carrying about everyone. She had been Hansuke-sensei's favourite, but, according to Nikato, she was everyone's favourite. After she had died, Sensei had gone on a solo mission. When he had come back, he had told them the guys who had killed her were dead. Nikato had wanted to kill them himself, but could understand why Sensei didn't want to put their student's lives at risk again. It had been a hard time for their team, the grief and guilt weighing on all of them. They thought they were going to be just the three of them, until Gohama had come along. It still hurt him to have Ayame-chan's place filled, but he shouldn't have hated her for it. She was good for the team. He could see that now. Then, he started sharing stories of his and Ayame's time in the Academy and as a team.

She was being torn apart. Her eyes kept showing images of Kunimaru dead on the ground, three kunai piercing his chest, three kunai that were meant to stab her instead. She could no longer remember the details of his face, only his dark blank eyes and the three holes on his too young chest.

The radio set crackled. "Where the hell are you two?" Hansuke's voice demanded.

"Shit." the two of them hissed when they remembered they were in the middle of a mission and halfway onto the meeting point.

"You can talk to him." Nikato said.

"Why me? It's your turn now."

"Please, he'll kic—"

"Answer me!" the radio growled.

Gohama promptly pressed her finger on the piece. "We got detoured. There's no need to worry. We're on our way now. Over."

"Detoured?! We've been looking f—I don't care anymore. Just get your asses back to the Inn. Now!"

"Copy."

The two rose quickly, but stopped mid movement with a grunt when they felt the effects of their fight. They turned to each other, feet against feet and holding each other's hands. With the force balanced between the two, they got up with shared effort, pain and groans.

Nikato looked at her and gave her a goofy smile. "I'm going to hug you."

She stepped back and rose her hands. "I'm not a fa—"

Before she could protest, he threw himself towards her and grasped her shoulders in a painful hug. "Okay." she whispered in resignation and discomfort, awkward pats tapping his back.

When he pulled back, they shared a concerned look and flew away towards the Inn, despite their bodies' complaints at the struggle.

* * *

When the room door burst open, on the other side was a livid Hansuke. His expression quickly changed into one of worry when he saw their trampled state.

"What happened to you?" he ushered them in and closed the door behind them "I thought you said there was no need to worry. Did you come across someone?"

Kisamaru moved to Nikato and began examining his body with green chakra.

"We didn't find anyone." Gohama started. "We did this to ourselves."

The anger was back on his face. He was ready to admonish them when Nikato spoke.

"We're good now." he said softly, with a smile directed to Gohama.

Both Hansuke and Kisamaru froze at the friendliness between their two teammates. Hansuke shook his head slightly with wide eyes. He brought his hand to his face and sighed. "We'll talk in the morning. We have the box, and need to meet the client tomorrow morning. Kisamaru, heal Gohama first. Then get Nikato's ass to your own room and take care of him there."

Hyuga told her to sit at the edge of the bed. She only had a small fracture in a rib, a broken cheek and broken forearms. When it came time to heal her arms, Kisamaru asked her to take off her right's guard. "Can't you do non-contact healing?"

"It's just your arm, there's no need to waste extra chakra."

She couldn't argue with that. Ribs sometimes meant exposing her chest and Kisamaru respected her non-existent modesty (he was the one uncomfortable about seeing her breasts or bindings), so he healed her through her clothes. With her arm, there was no need to be cautious. Gohama took of her arm guard. Her pale skin was marred with dark and purple bruises, the swell finally free from its constraint. Hyuga gently held her wrist and extended her limb. A dark blue dragon with ten-tails was painted on the inside of her forearm.

"Wow." Nikato commented "That's so cool."

As professional as always, Kisamaru averted his eyes from her tattoo and began healing her bone and ripped vessels. Gohama could feel Hansuke's attentive gaze. Uncle and she knew it was a matter of time until someone saw the ten-tails beast marked on her skin.

"Why do you hide the tattoo?" the redhead asked.

"I don't know… I guess it's such a personal symbol of my clan I don't want to showcase it to everyone." she lied.

Soon the healing was done and the boys left their room. When they stayed in Inns, Hansuke and Gohama shared a room while Kisamaru and Nikato shared another. It was rare to have rooms for four people available. She went for a quick shower to get the dirt and sweat cleaned from her skin. When she came back into the room, Hansuke was laying on the bed and the leftovers of take-out waiting for her on the low table next to the window. Her stomach rumbled at the sight of cold food and he chuckled. She sent him a glare and sat down on the floor, her back leaning against the bed.

"Why didn't you dodge Nikato's blows?"

"Who said I didn't?"

"Your arms. Even when you spar with me they're never that bad." she continued chewing her food, so he pressed more "So… why didn't you?"

"He needed to punch someone."

He laughed at her nonchalance. "How do you even go from beating each other up to making up?" his voiced had an amused tilt to it.

"Nikato just needed to let some things out."

"Yeah, I know… Good thing you helped him with it."

Had she helped him? Gohama was mostly trying to get a rise out of him. It ended up doing wonders for his resent for her, but when she grabbed him by the throat and shoved him into the ground, her drive was to shut him up. It surprised her how light she had felt when he apologized. Gohama thought she didn't care what the loud redhead was to her, as long as he didn't bother her too much. However, hearing the warmth and regret in his voice as he finally rid himself of misplaced hate had made her own chest coil. It wasn't practical, but in that moment she indulged herself in it. After all, it was essential to have good relations with teammates. When the time would come to follow her duty to her Village, she would follow it with no hesitation.

She remembered what Nikato had told her. "Hansuke," she called quietly.

"Gohama?" he answered lightly.

"Nikato told me how you went after the men that killed Ayame."

"Yes?" he warily asked, as she didn't elaborate.

"Did it help?"

The cheap mattress's springs squeaked behind her. The moving sheets ruffling against her back. "No, not really."

It had been a long pondering time for such a simple answer.

"Why did you do it?"

"Because I wanted to. Because I could give the kids some closer. Because I had failed her and I thought maybe if I killed them I would give her justice. But I didn't. They were shinobi from Iwa, they were doing their duty, just as we were doing our duty. It was brutal murder that felt triumphant for a second and disgusting for the rest of my life."

"Do you regret it?"

"No. I spared the kids that worry and obsession, that burden. But no matter how much I crave for vengeance again it will never be worth it to actually have the blood of someone else in my hands."

"We're shinobi, we're made for coldblooded murder."

"But then it's for duty, it's to protect our Village. Avenging is for our own need."

"Avenging can also be a duty. We're still dutiful to the ones that are dead."

"Yes, we are, but to live, not to kill."

Hansuke wasn't right. She had the duty to honour the Arms, her family and her friends. They had been massacred, trampled over, crushed, mutilated, degraded. She wouldn't avenge them just because she craved their killers blood, she would do it for honour. Gohama would endure the burden of disgust if it came to her. Her path didn't belong to her, it belonged to the Arms.

A hand settled on her shoulder. "They wouldn't ask that of you, Gohama."

"Take your hand off me."

He kept it there defiantly. She shook it off and stood up, ready to leave the room. Who was he to think he could comment on that? He grasped her wrist, she winced slightly as it was still tender.

"I didn't want to offend you, Gohama. I said it because I truly believe it."

She glared at him. He was kneeling on the bed, an arm extended to catch her own before she left. Gohama twisted her hand so it was now her grabbing his wrist. Her other hand shoved him hard by the throat against the bed. He could have prevented it, if he really wanted to.

"You have nothing to do with this." she growled "So keep you prying beliefs to yourself."

"It's my business if it affects my team. It affects you and you're part of my team."

She was too tired to argue with him, so she rolled to the side and plopped down on the bed, a limp arm draping over her eyes. "Just leave it alone, Hansuke…" her tone was almost pleading.

"But you were the one that started it." at his words she grunted in annoyance "Okay. I'll leave it alone. For now." another grunt. He chuckled and propped himself on an elbow, facing her "You do realise you just attacked your team leader. I should punish you."

"Do you realise how inappropriate some things you say sound?"

"Maybe you just have a dirty mind."

"What is my punishment, sensei?" she said coyly, he blushed at her words and she laughed "See, inappropriate."

"So, I'm only your sensei when you mock me."

"It's called roleplaying."

"Shut up, Gohama. You're clearly the inappropriate one, not me."

She somersaulted out of the bed and went for the bathroom. When she came back into the room, Hansuke was already laying down inside the covers. She did the same, her back to him. He broke the silence with a grave tone, "I'm serious, Gohama. It won't solve anything, it will only hurt you more."

"I don't care about that."

"I do…"

She clenched her teeth in irritation for his entitlement. "It's none of your fucking business."


	15. II - Chapter 4

PART II | Chapter 4

* * *

The days were finally getting colder in Konoha. It had been a relief the sudden descent in temperatures, but her apartment was still warm from the previous days of sun. Gohama smiled as she saw a cloud of steam leave her mouth when she sighed at the cool breeze that freshened her cheeks. The day was beautiful, with a pale blue sky and frail light. There were no clouds, but the lower temperatures softened the bright colours of the Leaf, giving it a misty, comfortable tone. It was a quiet morning, with only some late children running for school or merchants opening shop filling the streets. The swift cool weather left families to stay inside their homes. The smoke from fireplaces drowned the Village with its cosy smoky scent. The feel of the streets was lifting her mood.

Gohama was headed towards the Hokage Tower to deliver another mission report. As she opened the door, a wave of warmth robbed her from the freshness of the winter morning. Today would be a good day to wander outdoors, even for ruthless training. Maybe one of the boys would want to spar with her.

"Morning, Iruka." she greeted with a bouncy voice.

He quirked an eyebrow at her and smiled. "Good morning, Gohama. Enjoying the cold, I see."

"This can barely be called cold." she said handing him a two page report.

"For us mere mortals it is." he looked over the cover "An A-rank. Hope it went well." he kept the report in a folder nominated A and grabbed an envelope from another carrier, handing it to her.

"We got a little beat up, but nothing worrisome." she received the money filled envelope.

"Are you coming to Ippon, tonight?"

"It's Friday, isn't it?" he nodded yes "I don't really feel like drowning in a crowd tonight. Some other day, maybe. See you around." she said turning around.

"See you around, Gohama."

Nothing like Iruka to keep someone in a good mood. She could already imagine her calm day laying on a branch somewhere or the Hokage Mountain, enjoying the dim sunrays and cool air. As she was walking towards the exit, a shiver ran down her spine, her hairs standing up in alarm at the sinister chakra. Danzo existed a room and was moving towards her. The slow and dragged ruffling of robes on wooden floor along the rhythmic thuds of a cane filled the quiet corridor. Gohama didn't want to meet the treacherous man and ruin her so uncharacteristically bright day. If she turned around, he would know she was running away, he probably had already sensed her. Gohama would never show how unsettled he made her. The curve of the corridor showed her the dark haired old man with bandages covering his eye and arm.

"Kyura-san." he greeted, his tongue rolling out the "r" with emphasis. She only nodded. "How have you been? Not getting into any trouble, I except?"

"I suspect you already know the answer to that question."

His throat made a deep dry growl that was probably meant as a chuckle, although his schooled expression didn't change.

"Is your team agreeable?"

"They have welcomed me kindly." she offered him a generic answer, believing he was asking another question.

"Do you think your skill is being well groomed in this team?" There it was.

"Perfectly."

"I see. When the Council discussed your placement, I was leaning towards a more ambitious position for you. I had thought that was what you are looking for. The Kyura bloodline limit should not be wasted."

"There's no need for you to be concerned about the Kyura blood."

He gave her a sly sneer. "Someone has to. If you'll excuse me, Kyura-san, I have an important meeting."

He passed too closely to her, his robes and chakra scraping against her skin. It released another cold shiver from her. The sound of a limp and cane continued throughout the circular corridor, echoing with menace and eeriness. Then the sound of a door opening and closing and the chakra signature was gone. She thanked the Hokage Tower for chakra insulating rooms. She started a quick pace towards the Hokage Mountain, not to relax as she had decided, but to think on his intentions with this planned encounter.

This time Gohama sat on the First's head. An annoyed sigh escaped her lips as she watched the peaceful Village under her and felt the gentle sun warm her cheeks. She had just wanted to enjoy the weather and not think at all. Obviously, life had a problem with her and always decided to either annoy or break her apart.

Danzo. What a fucking pain in the ass. She could not understand what he intended with her and his creepy plotting. However, after their little exchange, she no longer believed he planned to have her killed. At least, not now. Danzo was offering her something. He asked after her team, he toyed with her need to honour her clan. He wanted her either in ANBU or in Root. Still, Root was a long shot for her. At sixteen years old, it was difficult to brainwash someone into full submission and lack of willpower. Especially, Gohama. He must have studied how she confronted everyone that didn't surrender to her own wants. She was a spoiled brat, after all.

Maybe Danzo wanted her in ANBU as a pawn to his own little games. He had offered her that. He had even poked the Kyura bloodline limit prestige and manipulated her into accepting with her need to achieve it. It was obvious Danzo didn't care about the Kyura's honour, but only its power for himself. But ANBU was ANBU, it was worth the threat. There was nothing more ambitious in a shinobi's career other than the elite secret force. Suna had offered her that too and she had seriously considered it. Now she could have that and follow Uncle's wish of her staying with Konoha. Gohama knew he was dangerous, she would be making a deal with the devil, one who gave her the creeps. There was no better way of describing the vibe that permeated from his chakra. Still, she could stand that, she just had to be careful and smart. There was a risk of being sucked into treacherous quicksand, but how hard could it be? Just don't step on the sand.

There was too much uncertainty nagging on her. Why would he suddenly approach her five months after she came to Konoha? Why not in the beginning where she had no place? Not that she belonged somewhere now, but her team was working well and the three finally accepted her. And could she just leave her team? When Nikato had come around, Gohama had promised herself to put her duty above them. Was ANBU that much better? She had been improving in experience from fieldwork and taijutsu from sparring with Hansuke. Would her skill skyrocket that much in the elite force? Hansuke had been ANBU and he trained her well. Maybe there was no need to leave the team. They worked really well together, the last three months of missions had showed that. Good teamwork was essential to groom exemplar shinobi. But Gohama wasn't searching for exemplar, she was searching for greatness. Where did one begin to search for it? She had started in Konoha, after Uncle couldn't give her more, maybe Danzo could lead her on.

* * *

When the sky had turned completely dark, Gohama decided it was time to go back to her apartment. At dinnertime, the streets had more life than in the morning, even if it was colder. She was jumping from roof to roof, when a bubbly chakra signature popped up from the others. She hoped he would act his normal self and not be attentive of his surroundings.

"Gohama!"

Obviously the day that had started so perfectly well would turn around to stab her in the back. And now she was playing a weak little victim. Maddening days always did that to her. Gohama was in no mood to talk to anyone, she almost continued her way, but as he called again, she knew she couldn't ignore him.

"What do you want, Nikato?"

"Let's go to Yakiniku Q. I want to celebrate being out of the hospital!" he said settling his arm over her shoulder. She shrugged him off.

"You got out of the hospital two days ago and stayed there for three hours…"

"You're a killjoy, Kyura, worse than Kisamaru sometimes." he put his arm over her shoulders again "Come on, maybe you'll even meet some of our friends from the Academy."

She let her head fall back in exasperation, cradled by his arm. "I'm really in no mood for forced socialization."

"Please! I'll buy your drinks for the night, but only if it's sake or beer. My wallet can't hold whiskey."

"What's the catch, Kato-kun? Why do you want me so much?" she rolled her head to study him.

"Can't I just enjoy your company, Go-chan?" he gave her a silly grin.

"Try again."

He rubbed his forehead with the back of his other hand. "Well, you see… there's this really hot—" she jabbed him in the ribs "cute, I mean, cute girl and I've been trying to get her attention, but it's kinda not going so well. So, I thought maybe if I brought you along, since you're so pretty and powerful" he shamelessly flattered "she'd be jealous or something…" he looked back at her with puppy eyes "Please, Gohama…"

"Three glasses of scotch and dinner. If I'm pretending to be with you, you have to pay for dinner, Nikato.

He smothered her in a hug. "You're my favourite girl teammate!"

She pushed him away. "And you're my favourite ginger teammate."

"It's auburn…" he mumbled.

It really wasn't, it was a full out borderline-orange ginger.

To Yakiniku Q they went. His arm had now moved to encircle in hers. He knew Gohama wasn't a fan of unnecessary physical contact and this served mostly to annoy her, although he justified it with their little mission of getting attention from the girl. When they reached the table, Nikato ushered her towards the farthest spot on the booth with an awkward hand on the small of her back. All his movements were strained and shy. It was clear he wasn't used to dating, neither was Gohama, but she wouldn't bother herself with pretending, just following his lead. Kisamaru was already there. Luckily he had taken the seat in front of Gohama and gave them a knowing smile at their uncharacteristic touches.

"She's the blonde one." the ginger whispered in her ear.

Gohama sized her up. She was attractive with blonde hair and pale blue eyes, but her makeup was too heavy and her clothes too scanty. It gave her a fake look, although she could understand her appeal to a guy like Nikato. The girl sitting beside Kisamaru looked much more pleasant, with dark eyes, light brown hair, and a shy smile. She was more Kisamaru's type maybe, if Hyuga even had a type.

"Aren't you going to introduce us your new friend?" the blond girl asked. She was loud. The two of them together would be obnoxious.

Nikato blushed slightly. "Hm, yes, of course. Guys, this is Kyura Gohama. This is Ryu" Nikato pointed to a tall, dark haired boy with blue eyes, he gave her a cocky smile "Hanako" the target "Kenta" brown haired and brown eyed, he just waved "and Mizuki" the shy girl next to Kisamaru.

Once the introductions were made they started eating. Gohama was completely out of the conversation between the six friends. She entertained herself with teasing Kisamaru about Mizuki by wiggling her eyebrows and giving him knowing kicks under the table. He just blushed and glared at her, while continuing to look at his food and drink.

"So, Mizuki," the girl turned to her, surprised "how do you know Kisamaru?"

Now it was Hyuga's turn to kick her under the table. Gohama ignored it and kept pushing a conversation between the three of them, quietly becoming less involved until it was just the two of them talking. For Nikato's case, things were more complicated. He had brought her to make the blonde jealous, but couldn't take his eyes off the girl, always trying to get her attention. She seemed to be interested in him, but was enjoying being the one pursued. Once he finally stopped to fill his mouth with food, Gohama could do what she was being paid in dinner for. Taking a piece of meat with her chopsticks, she grabbed him by the chin and turned his face to hers.

"What are you doing?" he whispered warily.

"She's looking at us." she whispered back "Here, Kato-kun." she said with a bouncy louder tone and fed him the food. He blushed at the interaction. To take things further, Gohama took his napkin and brushed it on the corner of his mouth.

"So, are you two an item?" the blonde asked with a smug voice. That had worked.

"Oh no, we're just seeing where things take us, nothing serious… Right, Kato-kun?" she asked while smoothing down the hairs at his nape.

"Huh, sure…" he clumsily answered.

"Won't it disrupt your team relations?" Kenta asked.

"Nothing like that. We're just having fun…" «look at me», Gohama signed with their team's code on the back of his neck, he did. His expression hilariously lost. "… and Nikato is a lot of fun." she dragged out with innuendo, poking his nose.

For the rest of the night, it was the girl's turn to fight for the ginger's attention. Having her job done, Gohama spent it drinking her three glasses of whiskey and a lot more sake. Drinks ran easily through the throat when they weren't coming out of her own pocket. Only when she got up to go to the bathroom, did she realised how past her own responsible limit she was. It was time to go back to her apartment.

"I think I'm going." she informed "It was nice to meet you." she lowered herself to whisper at Nikato's ear "Pretend I'm saying something naughty."

Kisamaru gave a chuckle at his teammates little game.

Outside the cold night's air refreshed her alcohol-reddened cheeks. She was ready to jump onto the roofs, when a voice called for her.

"Hey, Gohama!" Iruka waved at her. She was not going to be left alone that night. "Going to Ippon after all?" he asked when they reached her.

"My apartment actually."

"No you're not." Genma said while clamping an arm around her shoulders "the night is still young and we have a lot more to drink, my darling Kyura."

"Stop dragging me away, Shiranui." she hissed while trying to secure her feet on the ground "I've drunk plenty tonight."

"I don't think so, you're still standing and not laying on my bed."

"As I never will. Especially not with that lack of smoothness. Now leave me alone" she said wiggling out of his glued arm "so I can go to my own bed."

"Only if I can come with you." he answered with a wink and his typical smirk.

"I'll make you swallow that senbon." she threatened.

"Come on, Gohama. Just a drink. I'll pay."

And there she went, towards the packed, overwhelming bar. They sat at the corner booth on the other side of the door, as always. Gai, Raidou, Izumo, Kotetsu and Kakashi were already there. Great, she was being forced into a guys' night. The drinks kept coming and she could feel herself way past the tipsy threshold. Everyone at that table was. She chatted mostly with Iruka and the two chunin guards. They were commenting the moment she stepped into the Village and how they thought she was bullshitting them. Gai sent some remarks about the beauty of her youth as a great clan heiress. He was nice to her, so she let his emotional speeches pass freely while the rest told him to shut up. Genma had already a woman on his lap and was busy seducing her. Kakashi had his nose stuck in _Icha Icha_.

Gohama pondered if she should tell him about her encounter with Danzo. They had agreed she would disclosure any advance he made. Until that day, she had just sensed one or other operative monitoring her, but it was always a different shinobi. She had memorised their chakra signatures, but it was useless, as she never sensed the same chakra more than one time. Danzo was smart and knew about her sensorial skill. This way it was more difficult to know if someone was following her or not. Crowds like this one at Ippon made it practically impossible. It really wasn't wise to be as drunk as she was now.

Kakashi and Hansuke knew about this, but it meant little. It could just be a paranoid former Council Elder making sure she wasn't a threat to Konoha. Today's meeting with Danzo changed that. Gohama didn't want to tell Hansuke because he would become overly protective and outright frustrating. Kakashi was less intense. Still, Danzo had offered her a place in ANBU, maybe even Root, and she was seriously considering accepting. Hatake would probably forbid her from making the deal. In the end, he had no power to stop her. Besides, it was safer if someone experienced knew where she was getting into. She had to tell him. The two would just become more smothering if they knew she had hidden this from them.

A little after he went for the bathroom, she followed him. They had to be careful, someone could be spying her and if it came out Kakashi was helping her it would only compromise him. She leaned against the men's bathroom doorframe as he dried his hands with paper towels. Good to know he washed them.

"We need to talk." she said.

"Breaking up with me?" he asked with an amused tilt.

"I met a guy. He's been interested for some time and finally came up to me."

Kakashi turned his head towards her while putting on his gloves. His dark eye surprised her with its intensity. He chuckled dryly. "What did he say that made you come to me?"

"He asked about my boyfriend. He's willing to give me more. He said I deserved more as Kyura."

Kakashi started walking towards her, his stance similar to the one he had as an ANBU. What was he playing at? "Do you want that?" he asked now towering her.

"Yes." she answered less certain of herself. She shouldn't be having an important conversation while drunk.

He gripped her jaw harshly and tilted her face up towards his. "Are you going to leave your boyfriend for a prick like that?"

The last man inside the bathroom left, closing the door behind him. Now she understood, he was acting like this to scare people off. Perhaps even her.

"Maybe."

"I won't let you." his sake soaked breath fanned over her face.

She pushed him away from her and he wobbled slightly trying to find his balance. "You have no right to—"

He rushed back to her to pin her to the wall, one hand on her jaw again while his other forearm pressed against the tiles above her head. "I have every right." he whispered harshly "You don't know him like I do."

His lightning chakra was tingling her skin, as it always did. The alcohol was making her head hazy and the sensation overwhelming.

"You stink of sake." she said. "You're drunk."

"You smell of soil, grill, sake, scotch" he nuzzled her hair "and lemons. And you're also drunk."

His low voice and breath against her ear were sending strange trills down her spine, which played perfectly with the warmth oozing from his body.

"What do you want from me?" she breathed out.

He squirmed slightly against her. "Not to accept it."

"I need this. I came to you first and you said you couldn't give it to me."

"You know why…" his tone was almost pained.

"I'm not him." she said firmly.

"You're doing exactly what he did. You're just staying in the Village."

Kakashi was right. She would do with Danzo what Sasuke had done with Orochimaru. She would leave her team behind and him for more power. She would risk her wellbeing for it, make a deal with the devil, and it wasn't even as good as Sasuke's had been. He laid his forehead against her temple and sighed.

"Please, trust me, Gohama." his masked lips brushed against her cheek and her stomach coiled "Trust me…" she felt the burning movements on her skin, her heartbeat had flown up. What was he doing to her?

How could he turn from a brute to this softness? His grasp on her jaw had relaxed, his thumb grazing the pulse on her neck. He knew how he was affecting her. He was trying to seduce her out of accepting it, the bastard. She drowned her hand on his silver hair and harshly pulled his head back to look at her.

"Trying to seduce me won't work. I'll do what I have to."

"What? You were the one that started with the whole boyfriend routine."

She jabbed a finger into his flak jacket. "I followed your lead. You asked me if I was breaking up with you." she hissed.

"It was a joke."

"Then why did you give me that look and pinned me against the wall?"

"Because I felt like it." He shrugged.

"You felt li—" she started asking in an indignant squeal "I don't care. I regret telling you already." she said, shoving him away with her shoulder and grabbing the doorknob to leave.

He pushed the door closed again with his hand above her head. His tone serious, no drunk acting behind it. "Don't do it, Gohama. He's out to hurt you."

She pulled the door with force and he let it open. In an instant, she was jumping through the roofs and shutting the door to her apartment. There went her conviction that Kakashi would be less intense.

* * *

A couple of days later, Gohama had team training.

She had tried not to dwell on her strange and slightly inappropriate discussion with Kakashi, but the effects his proximity had had on her body confused her. She could guess of what nature they were, but never before in her life had she responded so satisfyingly and intensely to a man's touch. It was probably because she was drunk. The closest was Hansuke, during their spars when he ended up pinning her to the ground, or a tree or his chest. But her relationship with Hansuke was completely different from Kakashi's. With her team leader, there was fascination, but it was mixed, in lack of a better word, with sentiment. No matter how much she shielded herself from dangerous emotional reliance, she felt a connection with Hansuke similar with the ones from her life in the Arms. Even with a trace of something stirring and new. With Kakashi, her fascination was mostly with his shinobi facet. There was little tenderness in the way she saw him, she wanted to know him and his company was entertaining, but the attraction she had for him lacked the affection she had for Hansuke, or any of her teammates.

Everything was too confusing for her to dissect and understand. It was best to ignore it and think about the reason why she had come to the Leaf. Her attachment to her team was affecting her resolve to follow her duty. Gohama had expected it, as habit was a strong bond maker, but she needed to be rational. ANBU was a great opportunity for improvement. If she had to leave her team, she would do it. With this in mind, she went to training ground 9.

As always, she waited for the other two with Kisamaru. They laughed about their dinner in Yakiniku Q. She asked about the shy girl, he blushed and said she was just a friend from his childhood.

When Nikato arrived, he launched himself at her with a suffocating hug. She couldn't help but smile a little. Bouncing and squeezing her, he shouted, "Thank you! Thank you! You're definitely my favourite teammate now!"

"Hey!" Hansuke exclaimed in a wounded tone "What about your dear old sensei?"

"My dear old sensei" he started as he released her "doesn't help me get a girl's attention."

"You never asked for my help."

"Because they'd be head over heels for that ANBU tattoo!" he pointed at his cloth covered bicep.

There was a flash of something in Hansuke's eyes at the mention of his elite mark. He quickly gave them a cocky smirk with a hint of something else Gohama had never seen in his lips. It made her heart skip. Stupid easily affected girl, she admonished herself.

"True. But I very much doubt our cute dolly out-of-the-monastery Go-chan could help in those matters."

His cocky smirk turned into a teasing one as he focussed those deep hazel eyes on hers. It stung her feminine pride him having little faith in her for «those matters», so she gave him a blasé cross of her arms and a defiant look. She would show him. Nikato proceeded to explain how she had acted. Hansuke raised his eyebrows in surprised appreciation.

"Good to know we have a matchmaker in the team." Hansuke clasped his hand forcibly in Nikato's back "Gai would be jealous of youthful glow. Glad you finally did the deed."

The ginger brushed the back of his hand on his forehead. "Actually, we didn't go that far, we only got t—"

"Too much!" Gohama interrupted "It's disturbing enough to know you're a virgin and your sensei knows you're a virgin."

"I bet you're a virgin too! Out-of-the-monastery Gohama! Unless you lost it to a monk." Nikato tried triggering her back.

"First, I could leave the monastery whenever I wanted. Second, I've been in Konoha for five months that's more than enough time."

He exhaled in annoyance. "You're a girl, it's easier for you…"

"And she's Gohama. Most people want to have sex with the last Kyura." Kisamaru finally intervened with his matter-of-fact tone.

The other three team members turned their wide eyes to him, Gohama with a tinge of rose in her cheeks. When he finally caught up to the meaning of his words, his face and neck went red.

"It's not… I'm not talking of personal opinion… I don't want to have se— Not that I don't find you attractive, Gohama… you're a lovely girl just not in that way, I mean, at least not for me, but from what I've watched—Not you, I don't watch you, in that way at least, unlike Nikato" the redhead let out a betrayed «hey» "but from the looks of other men and their bar talk I know they think about… that.

At the end of his justifying rant, she patted his cheek. "Thanks for the speech, Kisa-kun. You almost sounded like our ginger friend here." she crossed her arms and glanced at Hansuke "Looks like _sensei_ is the only one who thinks I have nothing on _those matters_."

"Not really," Kisamaru corrected, "Hansuke-sensei isn't happy when others talk but he also looks at you."

Now it was Hansuke's turn to become red in embarrassment. Nikato burst out laughing. Gohama cocked an eyebrow at him accompanied by a smirk. "Is that so?"

Their team leader caged Hyuga's neck in an elbow lock and dragged him onto the middle of the training ground. He started a relentless spar, which could also be called kicking some Hyuga ass. Nikato and Gohama started sparring themselves.

When the other fight ended, Hansuke barked, "Hayashi!" they stopped "Help Hyuga get home."

It was never good when Hansuke used their last names. Gohama was ready to take off with the boys, when his chakra signature materialized behind her and a hand fell on her shoulder, warm and heavy. There was no need for him to clear the air between them. Knowing he looked at her didn't bother her, it even made her more feminine side pleased. He coaxed her to turn around to face him. He was back at not making eye contact. Nice job, Kisamaru. He could be as bad as Nikato's loose mouth.

"I don't really look at you, not that I don't think you're a pretty or… something…, Kisamaru just misread my innocent appreciation for a pretty thing, you understand, right? You know, the same as looking at the sunrise or the sea or Konoha from the Hokage Mountain, and you think—I'm making things worse…?"

"All this ranting, you sound like a third grade kid talking to his crush. Nikato has brushed off on you."

"I'm sorry... I just didn't want his comment to make you uncomfortable with us and me."

"It didn't. The only person uncomfortable is you, but that's your own doing."

"One more embarrassing moment to remember at weird hours of the night." he sighed.

She gave him a wide grin. "At least, it's fun for me."

Hansuke chuckled and returned her smile. "Good. I was afraid you'd think we're all perverts and leave the team." he commented with a playful bounce.

He turned his back to her and started walking towards the middle of the field. Gohama glared at his broad back. Had his words been a mere joke or did he suspect her inner impasse?

He looked over his shoulder at her. "Aren't you coming? Training is not over." there was a mischievous glint to his expression, it made her both curious and on guard.

They faced each other in fighting positions. Hansuke remained still, so she took the initiative and attacked him. In a blur, she hit the ground chest first, a kunai's tip pressed against her nape.

"I thought you were only mad at the boys."

"Who said I was mad?"

He released his grip on her and let her get up. The second round lasted little more. Gohama braced herself for his brutal approaches. He wasn't mad at her nor teasing, Hansuke was absolutely serious and strangely blank, as if fighting an enemy. She hadn't watched this side of his battle stance in any mission, much less directed at herself. As a response, she reflected his composure.

The next round was much the same, her back clashed with the ground, he had a kunai to her neck and, in the next second, he was already up ready for the next one. Gohama decided it was time to rise her bar and summoned her tanto, involving it in chakra. Now, it became more difficult for him to reach her with simple taijutsu. He took a scroll from his always unzipped flak jacket and unrolled it, all at the same time as he evaded her blows. A ninjato appeared in a smoke cloud and he used it to block her attack. He covered it with a thin layer of chakra. It wouldn't be enough to protect the blade against her own if their skills had been on the same level.

Gohama had watched him fight with his ninjato in a few missions. The weapon was a continuity of his own arm, he manipulated it with agile mastery, both strong and graceful. It had fascinated her and now, as she took him and his ninjato on, she couldn't help but feel her stomach flutter in uneasiness and excitement. Her tanto helped little. After few minutes, it lay on the soil and his blade was pointing towards her throat. Hansuke kept his expression emotionless. Then she tried ninjutsu. This time their fight lasted at least fifteen minutes. Again, she ended up caged inside his chakra sucking dome. Gohama wouldn't give up that easily.

This turn, she hid in the trees, alert to any changes in the chakra signature standing in the middle of the field. Her heart was hopping in trepidation, she could feel it against the skin of her neck and chest. He disappeared which meant in an instant he would materialise somewhere around her. It ended being above her. She dodged, but he caught the ends of her hair. She cried from the bite of having it yanked, Hansuke took advantage of her moment of hesitation and buried his hand in it. He pulled her to him harshly and the feat made her shudder. Her back hit his chest and again a kunai was at her neck, the fingers holding it grazing softly against her skin. The sudden odd change in his behaviour was surprisingly enticing, with his domineering and pure skill. She felt herself heat up, her heartbeat fasten. What was wrong with her? What had stupid drunk Hatake stirred in her? Then it clicked. Hansuke was showing off.

"Kakashi told you, didn't he?"

Hansuke put the kunai back in his pouch, but returned his hand to her throat. Then, he tugged at her hair bending her neck so he could assess her expression. His fingers scrapping her scalp only tantalised her more. Another trill ran the length of her spine.

"I see you're thinking of leaving your man for another." his tone was both amused and menacing. Gohama winced at the same obnoxious boyfriend code. "Why?"

Couldn't the two men have a discussion like normal people, instead of having the need to torture her?

"Didn't he tell you that?"

"I want to hear it from you."

"First let go of me."

He chuckled lowly and dangerously. "Am I scaring you, Gohama?" he splayed his warm, burning hand against her throat "Your heartbeat is racing."

Waves of trills crashed throughout her stomach. The contact with his chest allowed his steady chakra to seep into her skin. It was too much, it was so much more than with Kakashi. Even her breathing had changed. What was wrong with her? Did he know what he was doing to her? She gazed right into his hazel eyes in defiance. There was something eager behind them. Maybe she wasn't the only one getting affected.

"You wish you could scare me, Hansuke. Now let go of me so we can talk like normal people."

His fingers sliding out of her hair and throat made her shudder again. He jumped down onto the ground and sat leaning against the tree trunk. She followed him down, with crossed arms she waited for him to start the interrogation. Instead he gestured to the spot beside him.

"Can you, please, sit down so we can talk like normal people?"

Gohama sat beside his outstretched legs.

"Are you really thinking about it?" She nodded. "Why?"

"You know why…" he gave her a disapproving look as response "Don't start it, Hansuke."

He turned his gaze to the empty space in front of him. "It's not just about you making a deal with Danzo, although that's the stupidest, most reckless thing anyone could do. ANBU is not for you, Gohama."

"Why not?" she asked sharply "You think I'm not good enough?"

"Of course you'd take it the wrong way." he shook his head and looked at her "I left for a reason. ANBU will break you." he sighed "It broke me."

"Oh come on, Hansuke. You're one of the least fucked up shinobi there is."

He laughed. "Maybe. But it wasn't always like that. Especially not after ANBU."

"Why did you leave?"

His expression wavered with something deep and heavy, but he quickly schooled it, averting his gaze from hers. Hansuke was always open. What could he be hiding now?

"It asked me to do thinks that shouldn't be asked."

Gohama knew it was forbidden to disclose information about ANBU missions and workings, but his vague answer was particularly frustrating.

"I'm ready for anything."

"Is this what you want? Do you want to leave the team?"

"It doesn't matter what I want."

Hansuke let his head fall to lean against the trunk in exasperation, a mixture of a sigh and chuckle left his lips with dryness. "Of course."

He looked up at the leaves and sky. She studied his strong profile, with a straight nose and stubble sprinkled jaw, she tried to read what he was thinking. She could see the bobbing of his Adam's apple as he swallowed, the movement of the cords of his neck. An impulse of tracing them made her fingers twitch. Then his eyes turned down to hers, almost veiled behind his thick lashes, his head still tilted against the tree. "Can't I make you stay?"

Her heart skipped at his intense gaze and honest question. She knew he had meant all the skill and strength he had shown her now during their spar. Still, her body involuntarily responded to something deeper, something even she didn't know what it was. Hansuke had become her teammate, Kisamaru and Nikato too. Going to ANBU meant leaving them. It pinched her, but Gohama had promised herself she would put her duty before anything else. She had promised her Village.

When she didn't answer, his mouth shaped into a small dejected smile. Gohama averted her eyes to the grass, picking and ripping at it. His hand patted her knee. He was hesitant between leaving it or not, but he let it stay there, his comforting heat and chakra oozing through it. His tanned hand was large and fingers long. They were worn and ragged, those were shinobi hands, harden by their jobs. There was a scar running from the side of it onto its back, probably from blocking a blade. Strange how she hadn't noticed before, he only wore gloves during missions. She felt the need to touch it with her thumb, but kept on tearing grass.

"If you do decide to make the deal, please don't just disappear. Nikato would whine for ages, you know. He's quite fond of you now. And Kisamaru would bottle all up with that infuriating serious look of his."

"That's it? Now more preaching?"

"We like having you on the team, Gohama, but I can't force you to stay. Besides, you won't get rid of my preaching so easily. If you do this dangerous thing with Danzo, someone will have to have your back. When I said I'd protect you I meant it." he squeezed her knee "Even if you're basically signing up for suicide."

"You don't need to."

"I know. But I want to." he said softly with a smile.

Hansuke was also seducing her, but with kindness and… care… Why did it hurt so much to be cared about? Why did she feel so guilty?

"I have to go, now." she informed, while standing up "I'll see you around."

A swirl of snowflakes replaced her form.


	16. II - Chapter 5

PART II | Chapter 5

* * *

The "around" turned into weeks. Gohama had missed most their team trainings. Each day she had decided whether to go or not and each day she had left Hansuke a note on his kitchen counter, right beside his coffee. The thing about being able to sense people's chakra from hundreds of meters away was that it was easy to avoid them. When any of them, including the Jonin group that hanged around Hansuke, entered her sensorial camp, she could simply walk in the opposite direction and they would never know.

Why had Gohama been avoiding her team for a week now? She had to make a decision and for that she needed to distance herself, to be able to look from an outsider's perspective. Otherwise, she wouldn't be able to make a rational, objective decision. Her sentimentality was already meddling with things emotions should not pry in. Like duty. Duty was certain. Duty was clear. Duty was right. Gohama had been raised for duty, her life had been edified for duty. Nothing she had ever done or had ever decided had been out of the path of her duty. And it terrified her to feel vulnerable and manipulated by her feelings. It made her weak. Weakness always bred in her bursts of deep self-loathing. So, she moped around Konoha, between the Hokage Mountain, a secluded training field, her bedroom's window sill or her bed. And this moping made her feel even weaker. Then, she would train until exhaustion and feel even weaker because she couldn't reach the skill she aspired to. Then, she would drink just enough to numb. Then, she would feel pathetic for such a lowly escape and even weaker. Moping, training, drinking. Then, by the end of the first week, the drinking had started getting heavier and the next days a wave of loathing and tiredness had pinned her to her bed, her bathtub and her couch.

Gohama was pathetic. She felt so shameful, so unworthy of being the Kyura's heiress, the Arms' survivor. But it was never enough, it was never enough to give her the much needed push to break out of the cycle. It only seemed to suck her deeper into her own misery. At the monastery, Uncle helped her get back to her senses. Even when she wouldn't let him, he always seemed to be present, beside her. She missed him so brutally, a part of her had stayed back with him, in Snow. A too big of a part. She had promised herself to leave and leave fully. This was one of the reasons she had broken contact with him. Writing would only bind her more to what she had to leave behind. Why had such large piece of her stayed without permission? Why couldn't she find it back and glue it together to the other shards. There were too many holes in her, too many lost shards. Nothing filled them and she didn't want them filled. Filling was replacing and replacing was forgetting. Her duty was too remember and her love was to keep on loving. It hurt too much. But that was her duty, that was her burden.

Gohama felt the bouncy chakra signature walk towards her apartment building. It was time to hide her chakra. She brought the glass of scotch to her lips, one side of it warm because of the fire. The temperatures weren't low enough for her to feel cold, but she enjoyed the heat from the fireplace seeping into her side, while she sprawled on the couch. The ceiling was always the same white and still she couldn't stop staring. By now, it was starting to spin a bit. There was a darker little splotch of dirt and Gohama just stared at it, spinning around in the blurry white paint.

A knock came on the door. They had been coming for the past days now, always alone, Nikato, Hansuke and even Kisamaru.

"Hey, Gohama! Gohama!" Nikato called cheeringly "Me and Kisamaru are going to Ichiraku's for lunch. Wanna come?"

When she didn't answer other knocks sounded. "I guess you're not home…"

The sound of something sliding down the door on the wooden floor filled the empty room. He always left notes for her, even if he knew she was there. The chakra signature moved down and away and Gohama didn't bother releasing her chakra again.

Another knock came on the door. Gohama opened her eyes. She must have fallen asleep because the white ceiling was now greyish from the night's dusk. The stain kept on spinning. It was Hansuke this time. It really hurt her to feel his steady earthy chakra.

"Gohama… please… please just answer, just talk to me. One word. Or maybe your chakra." he must have leaned his head on the door because there was a thud hitting the wood "Why did you stop coming to training? I thought you needed space, but this is different. You even stopped warning me about it… I just need to know you haven't made the deal with Danzo and left for ANBU or Root, or haven't gotten yourself killed. So, just say something or I'll break in." they both knew he couldn't unlock her seals "I'm really worried, Gohama. And I'm trying… What do you want? I'll do it. Just open the door, please. I asked you not to disappear and you're disappearing…"

If he would just shut up, maybe things wouldn't hurt so much and she wouldn't hate herself so much. Maybe if they just stopped coming and forgot all about her, she could leave for Danzo peacefully, without any of her weak, spoilt, childish shit.

She heard him slid down against the door. "You can sense my chakra. So I'll just stay here. Maybe you'll open the door."

And he stayed. Each wave of his chakra both piercing and comfortable. Gohama went to her room, but even there she couldn't run from the sense of his life's energy. His company made the night more unbearable. She didn't understand why, but it did and she was tearing apart. She took small, hesitant steps towards the door and slid down against it. Now he was soaking into her. She picked up the small note Nikato had left.

«We're waiting for you at Ichiraku's!» With a sketch of Kisamaru devouring ramen, noodles flying everywhere. She flung it in the air and it landed beside the other ones on her coffee table.

"Go away."

She scorned at her hoarse and frail voice from the alcohol and being silent for so long. A voice perfect for her.

"Gohama…" he called with relief.

"Just leave me alone."

"Let me come in. Just for a second."

"No."

"Gohama. Just indulge me." when she didn't answer he added "It's been weeks, Gohama. I'll have to report it to Tsunade-sama."

"Hansuke…" she pleaded.

"Then let's talk. I at least need to understand what's going on."

"Okay. Talk."

"Like normal people." he repeated the words from that day "Face to face."

She stood up and pressed her hand against her door, sending a small pulse of chakra. The seals unlocked and she opened it, careful to leave and close it again behind her before Hansuke could walk inside. Gohama focused on the zipper of his flak jacket, with crossed arms, and waited for him to start the talk. Instead, he took a step closer to her and tucked one of her braid's loose tresses behind her ear. Then, he cupped her cheek with his large, warm and painful hand. He coaxed her to look at him. Why did his eyes had to be so achingly caring? Her chest was tightening until she couldn't hold it anymore.

"Stop. Please." her throat could barely make the words sound.

Hansuke offered her an understanding smile and let his hand fall away. "You stink of whiskey, you know." he said lightly, no judgement in his voice. "What's going on, Gohama?"

"Nothing."

"This is not nothing."

She shrugged. "It'll go away. It always does."

"Can I help it go away?"

She silently pleaded for him to take her back to Snow, to Uncle Tsukate, to her dead family.

"I don't think so."

"Maybe I can. But you'll have to let me stay the night." he said with an alluring smirk. When she didn't joke back at him, his smile disappeared. It pinched her. "So will you?"

"So you can take advantage of me? I don't think so." she tried.

His expression lit up slightly. "Then I'll take you to my place."

"How is that supposed to protect my virtue?"

He smiled at her. "Now seriously, Gohama. I'll sleep on the couch, just le—"

"No. You'll snoop around."

"Then I'll really have to take you to my place."

"I'm good here."

"Just for one night, please. Now that I got you out of the house, I can't let you back in."

If Gohama accepted it, then maybe he wouldn't come around anymore. Honestly, she was too exhausted to fight with him. The constant feel of his presence would be wearing, but he'd probably camp outside her door, if she said no. Then, even her neighbours would start bothering her.

"It's already like 1 am, so it's not too bad. Only half a night really."

"Only if I can take the bed."

Hansuke's lips widened in a childish grin, the same a kid would make when allowed to eat sweets before dinner. He grabbed her by her waist and then they were at his place.

* * *

When she left the steamy bathroom for the bedroom, there were some clothes laid out on the bed. In his haste to get her out of her house, they had forgotten about a change of clothes. Gohama only needed a new shirt, it felt too intimate to wear anything else, especially because she wouldn't be wearing underwear. She pulled Hansuke's jonin uniform sweater over her head and brought the collar to her nose. It smelled like him.

"Hansuke?" she called through the crack of the door.

"Yeah?"

"Do you have a comb or a brush I could use?"

"Bathroom vanity."

"Where do you want me to put the towel?"

"Just leave it on the bed."

Gohama went onto the challenging task of untying her hair knots. She sat down on the bed and started the painful pulls. Hansuke decided to lean against the door and entertain himself with her struggle.

"You need conditioner." she whined, which was followed by a wince.

"Why? Do you plan to stay here long, Gohama?" he teased her.

"Your lady friends would appreciate it."

"If I had any."

Gohama sent him a sceptical look that only made him more amused.

"Here, let me help you." he went to take the comb out of her hand.

"What? No. You're not combing my hair." she said as they fought for it.

"Don't be difficult, Gohama."

He won over the combing piece and carefully started unlacing her dark locks. Except one or another harsher pull, for which he was fast to apologise, it felt soothing to have him brush her hairs, feel the gentle movements on her scalp. She closed her eyes.

"Did your mother brush your hair?" The sudden personal question made her tense. "I'm sorry I di—"

"No, it's okay. And no, usually it was my nanny who brushed my hair, helped me get dressed, things like that. Koroko-san… she was the only one besides my parents that could get me to behave."

"So you've always been this cheeky. You're hopeless then…" he joked.

"Utterly." She whispered quietly.

Hansuke brushed a few final times and patted her head with playful condescending. He didn't get a reaction out of her so he simple added that there was tea waiting for them in the kitchen. She drank hers quickly and he followed her pace. The exhausting tiredness was settling in her spirit again. The bath had been refreshing, but it was not enough, it never was. She hoped she would fall asleep fast and have a dreamless night.

Back in his bedroom, Hansuke started laying a futon on the floor.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm not sleeping in hardwood floor."

"Good thing you have a bed then."

"Gohama, I don't thin—"

"We share a bed in missions all the time, we even shared a bedroll."

"It's different."

"Why? Because it's your bed? Don't be such a prude, Hansuke. I'd feel bad if you took the floor in your own house."

So, they lay down as they always did. Hansuke on the left side, because that was the side he liked to sleep in. His back turned towards Gohama, because she couldn't sleep face to face with people. Neither one of them tussled much in their sleep. He fell asleep in instants and had a trained sense that would only wake him up in dangerous circumstances. Otherwise, he was dead to the world. Gohama took a long time to fall asleep and woke up easily, especially due to variations in chakra signatures around her. She had become used to her team's after the first month of sleeping bunched together inside a tent, so she no longer sprung up with an alarm startle with every movement.

She was laying on her back, motionless, letting the weight fully crush her. The time before falling asleep was always the worst. Her mind ran freely and dangerously with nothing to focus on except the white spinning ceiling. She was still drunk. This time it decided to fall on Hansuke. Now, Gohama could understand why he had been reluctant about sharing his bed with her. It was intimate. She was smelling of his shampoo and soap, wearing his clothes, with no underwear, rolled up in his sheets, with him sleeping next to her, in his tight shirt that glued to the relief of his broad back. Everything was Hansuke, from the smell of his bed to the sound of breaths, to his chakra piercing through her. The same ache from when he had come to her apartment, or when he had cupped her cheek was now clenching her chest. Gohama felt foreign. She felt like a burden.

Gohama turned on her side to study the darkened contour of his back. Why did Hansuke want her here? Maybe he didn't even want it. He was probably doing this out of duty for a teammate, or to convince her not to accept Danzo's deal. Or did he care? Could he actually freely care about her? What did he think of her? How did he see her? Since when had she cared so much about what Hansuke was to her? She had never questioned it, he was her teammate, her team leader and was there. But it was different from Kisamaru and Nikato, from Kakashi. It was different and, as she lay on his bed, in his home, with him next to her, watching his back, that difference had never unfolded itself so relentlessly, so terrifyingly. And again that new ache and familiar foreignness.

She had an urge to lay her hand on the space between his shoulder blades. His chakra was already overwhelming her senses, but she could have it running through her own pathways. Steady, earthy and wet, with a touch of burning warmth. Comforting and aching. It had never ached before to sense it, so why now?

Gohama turned back to stare at the ceiling. She needed to stop and blank her thoughts, will her mind to sleep. She should never have accepted coming with him. Her misery was better wallowed in isolation. Loneliness was more tolerable when alone. She was too aware of the abyss separating the both of them. An abyss she would keep on digging because it was safe and reasonable, even if every cell in her hand wanted the warmth of his skin pressed against them.

* * *

There was already light coming through his wooden blinds. Hansuke carefully turned his head to his right side. Gohama was still sleeping. He knew it had probably taken her a long time to fall asleep, it always did. At least she looked rested now, even if the skin under her eyes was an angry purple, the most he had seen in her. She was beautiful. He had missed her these past few weeks. It felt natural to have her sleeping next to him on his bed. Very intimate, but he liked that, even if he knew Gohama wasn't really there. She rarely was. Her being stretched between the past and the future, but never the present. She was either trapped in her life in the Arms or her mission of avenging the Arms. Was it selfish of him to want her here?

A smile formed on his lips, he was glad she had let him at least try to take care of her. Still, he had forgotten how much it hurt to see someone he cared about go through this. Just looking at Gohama both warmed and tore at him, there was such affection he thought he might burst from it, and at the same time a compassion that wounded deeply. But he didn't mind it, he would take all her weight with him if she let him.

This was it. It had to be it. Hansuke could now understand how his father had left Kumo so promptly. The men from the Harada clan and their devotion to their women. It filled his heart and rushed into all of him, it was chaotic and calm, fierce and tender.

He silently gave himself to Gohama. Hansuke was hers.

He fought the urge to trace the arch of her cheek and softness of her lips. She would startle awake even before he could touch her. So, he stayed beside her a few moments, just to revel in her presence, and carefully got out of bed.

There was a new wonderful purpose in his life that filled him with a joyful, almost giddy, energy. He finished his report and left for the Hokage Tower.

Iruka was thankfully the one receiving the reports.

"Hansuke…" he complained "this is very late."

"Come on, Iruka, can't you help a fellow teammate?"

He extended his hand with a displeased expression. Hansuke gave him his best apologetic smile and promised he would buy him a round of drinks next time. He was ready to leave when Iruka called behind him. "Have you seen Gohama, lately? She hasn't come to Ippon for some time now or anywhere really." his tone betrayed his worry.

Why did Iruka had to be so soft-hearted sometimes? Gohama wouldn't want people to pry around, even if with a good intention, but they did. Starting with himself.

"She's been going hard on her training."

"Um, okay. Then tell her we're waiting for her this Friday."

Iruka obviously hadn't fallen for it. After two years on the same team, they knew each other too well.

"Who's we?"

"Mostly me, Kotetsu and Genma."

Hansuke now understood what that stabbing pinch in his chest was whenever his friends became too friendly with Gohama, jealousy. A proud wave made him slightly irked with his unreason. Iruka was just friendly, Kotetsu he had no idea, and Genma just liked to mess around. Hansuke doubted the last one actually meant most of his flirting, it was only his way of interacting with anything non-male. Still he was jealous, but at the same time glad the guys enjoyed Gohama's company. And why wouldn't they? She could hold her liquor better than any of them, she had a sharp tongue that was fun when directed to others, and was uncomplicated with them.

"I'll tell her."

With this, he turned around and left the room. He was on his way out of the Tower to get some take-out breakfast. The day was cold and pale. Hansuke knew Gohama liked those days best. Cold with a pale blue sky. Maybe it would make her feel better.

When he arrived home, he sensed her still on the bed. He dropped the food on the kitchen counter and went to the bedroom. He leaned against the doorframe, watching her with a pillow over her head and pretending to be sleeping.

After a few moments, a muffled groan came from the lump on the bed. "I can't sleep with you staring at me." she mumbled.

"You're not sleeping, Gohama."

"With you there I'm not."

"Breakfast is getting cold."

"I'm not hungry."

"You can make me company."

"Hansuke…"

"Gohama…"

"Just let me sleep…" she begged "please…"

Her pleading tone was the same as the night before, when she was asking him to go away. Gohama never pleaded. It was tearing at him. Maybe if he could push her a little it would help. Let him take her on the first step. Hansuke went to her side of the bed.

She groaned again. "What do you want?"

The worst that could happen was a bruised face. He lowered himself to her and grabbed her by the waist, hosting her onto his shoulder. Now he had to move quickly. Gohama broke in a series of outraged demands and hits to his back. He didn't answer, he just kept on striding towards the bathroom. His grasp tightening on her thighs, as she was almost getting loose. But before she could, he dropped her on the shower and opened the tab. Now she would definitely have to shower. She glared at him with murderous eyes, while the running water dampened her hair and clothes. But they were dull, a stale green. There was nothing behind the glare, no substance and no colour.

He pulled a bottle from his pouch and threw it to her. "Your conditioner. I'll leave some clothes on the bed."

Then he left before Gohama could turn that frightening gaze into actions. The worst that could happen now was Gohama leaving and completely shutting herself out again. She could choose to go with Danzo. Not Danzo. Not ANBU. Why would she listen to them? It was hard fulfilling duty when dead. Maybe, Hansuke hadn't thought his little push through. With a growing apprehension, he laid a sweater and shorts with an adjustable elastic on the bed. Gohama hadn't put on his pants yesterday, so she probably preferred shorts. He then went into the kitchen to set a table for two and Kakashi was waiting for him there, sitting at his dining table, _Icha Icha_ in opened in one hand.

"Is Konoha being attacked?" Hansuke deadpanned, while taking two plates from his cupboard.

"Not that I'm aware."

"Smelled a free breakfast all the way through the Village?"

"Already ate."

"I see." he hummed with fake pondering and couldn't help but smile. "She's taking a shower."

"Who?" Hansuke gave him an unimpressed glare and Kakashi turned his eye back to his book "How's she doing?"

"Not great."

"Do you think it's because of Danzo's deal?"

"It may have started like that, but I think it's more now."

"I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner. I'm surprised she can even be functional."

"Yeah… she's strong…"

Hansuke didn't need to glance towards Kakashi to know the expression twisting his one visible eye. It was the same as his. They didn't need to look at each other to let their complicity strain them. Hansuke had tried to escape it. He couldn't, he wouldn't escape anymore. He stared at Kakashi, forcing him to look back. He did for a second, his weight was even heavier than Hansuke's, no matter how much he tried to hide it. Then, he was gone in smoke. Hansuke supported his head on his hands, brushing through his hair like some useless cathartic gesture. The breakfast was getting cold and Gohama was taking too long. He confirmed if it was her chakra he was sensing. It was. She was still here.

* * *

Gohama had her feet propped up against the wooden post of the porch, her right arm dangling over the edge of it and sliding through the overgrown weeds. It was a beautiful winter day, in Snow it would have been borderline autumn weather. A soft cold with no wind and a clear sky. All that was missing was snow covering the ground and rooftops and it would be perfect. But she couldn't feel it. She loathed when she couldn't feel the beauty of things. They became bland and empty, bringing nothing with them. Gohama desperately needed the sky to bring her something, anything to mask the hole eating her inside. Not even the timid light of the sun could warm her skin.

She was growing worried. Even her chakra had become flat. How could she be a genius kunoichi with flat chakra and no drive? She couldn't, but she also couldn't break away from it. It was becoming gradually heavier, but that was it. There was no burst, no release, just the infinite build-up of void. And it was never alone, there was always grief and guilt. Neither working on making her break out. She should have stopped the cycle when it started. Gohama always knew when it was starting, but could never stop it in time. Weak, pathetic her.

"How aren't you freezing?" he asked with almost outrage.

"This is picnic-weather."

"Of course." he chuckled "I brought tea."

He handed her the mug and sat down behind her head. After a few seconds of hesitation, he lifted her head up, scooted closer and laid it on his thigh. It was more comfortable than the wooden floor, also warmer. His closeness wasn't so painful anymore.

"So you have picnics with this cold in the Land of Snow?"

"Mm. Also hunting."

"Hunting?" Hansuke asked with genuine interest "Is it common?"

"For shinobi. It's good for training awareness and stealth. Wild animals are very sensitive to sound, smell, light and chakra more or less. Today would be a perfect day actually. Snow hunting is better for training chakra control to the feet."

"Did you do it alone or with a group?"

"I prefer hunting alone, by far. Well… except with Father, when he had time. Father was the one that taught me…"

It wasn't as aching to share that with him anymore. Hansuke started brushing her hair with his fingers. The touch soothed her and she closed her eyes.

"What weapon do you use?"

"Bow and arrow, always."

"We can go one of these days. You could teach me."

"That would be nice." she hummed.

Hansuke continued with his gentle strokes through her hair until the sun was down and he started shivering from the cool night air. They went inside through the living room's doors. Gohama stopped and let her eyes study the scarcely furnished room. There was a couch and television on the farthest end, on this end there was a low table with cushions.

"I've just realised I've never actually been in your living room."

"Really?"

"I guess when we come it's mostly for meals and we just stay at the dining table."

She saw that one of the walls was decorated with frames. The first to catch her gaze was their team photo that Hansuke had forced them to take after their first mission. Hansuke was squeezing Gohama and Nikato by the neck with each one of his arms. She had a self-satisfied smirk and Nikato his pre-make-up irked glare. The photo had been shot right after she had just thrown him a provoking comment. Hansuke was showing his best grin and Kisamaru stood in the middle of them, in front of Hansuke, with his perfectly poised, perfectly solemn face. Gohama never did frame it, she just kept it on her bedside table drawer. Her eyes roamed through the rest of the photos. One of their team before Gohama. She could finally match a face to the name. Ayame had been a pretty girl, with blonde curly hair and kind light eyes. That was a shinobi life: to fight and die. Another team picture caught her attention and she actually gaped.

"What? You were Iruka's teammate?"

"Yup."

"And neither of you ever made any comment about it?"

"Why would we?"

"I don't know… It's just weird I didn't know yet. Who're the other two?"

"My sensei is already retired and my other teammate is in ANBU now. Can't really share her name."

She was a young girl with dark purple hair. "Did you enter with her?"

"Yes."

"How old?"

"Barely fourteen. I could only stay two years."

That was young. Hansuke must have always been a powerful shinobi. She continued to skim obliviously over the photographs. Seeing all the life he had had before they met made the abysm separating them even deeper, wider. Then her eyes were captured by another one. She smiled weakly at it. A beautiful woman with dark golden hair held what was clearly adorable baby Hansuke. With an arm around her was a tall and strong man, clearly a shinobi, with dark skin and hazel eyes. He was looking at his child and wife with a moving tenderness and care. They were posing in front of this house.

"That's right in the backyard."

"You were a cute baby. And you're mother was a very beautiful woman."

"She was." he answered softly.

"Why Konoha? Why not stay in Kumo?"

"My mother was from a nomad merchant small family, Giranai. They stayed a few years in Kumo, and before leaving again my mother became pregnant with me in Kumo. My grandfather didn't accept that she stayed with my father, so he left with them. My parents only settled in Konoha when my grandfather died. The Village granted them asylum. They bought this house and my father lived as a civilian. He died when I was four. Kumo spies killed him and tried taking me to Kumo. We were a liability to their Village. I enlisted in the Academy at five, it made me feel closer to my father. After my graduation my mother became very ill and died two years later. I was ten.

"I'm sorry."

He gently stroked her arm through the think fabric of his sweater. It was still enough to make warmth tingle her skin.

"I was lost for a long time after that, but I found my way."

Finding one's away… Gohama had always known what her purpose was, what path to follow, and still she had always felt lost. Even in the Arms she knew what to do and was still lost. It was part of her way of being. She had accepted it.

Again that same weight settled on her chest. She was so tired. Hansuke's calming massages on her hair had actually relieved her for a moment. But it was always just for a moment until everything came crushing through her again.

"Better start making dinner." his voice interrupted her pondering thoughts.

They started making dinner together. Well, mostly Hansuke. Gohama just sat on the balcony, watching him cook, maybe chopping some vegetables. It was a simple meal and soon they were sitting on the table.

"Iruka asked after you. He said Genma, Kotetsu and him were waiting for you at Ippon this Friday."

She played around with her grains of rice. She truly wasn't hungry.

"Didn't know you were getting along with Kotetsu."

She just drank with him and offered a few comments about random things. It could hardly be called getting along.

"What do you want to do this evening?" Nothing. "If you don't feel like going out we can watch a film or something." she really didn't care, she mostly wanted to be alone and it was obvious that wouldn't happen. "Aren't you going to eat?"

Gohama looked at her tossed plate, she caught a bit of rice with her chopsticks and brought it to her mouth. It didn't taste like anything. A cold hand started gripping her throat. She was beginning to freak out for no reason. Out of nowhere terror grew wider and heavier inside her chest. Even her breathing was suffering from it. Why was she so scared? Why had night come with an eerie, dark cloak to smother her? She was fine just then, in that porch.

She couldn't keep down the overflowing anguish anymore.

"What type of films do you like? I have some action shinobi ones that are really funny because they're so inaccurate." he kept on talking, his voice humming in the back of her awareness, with each word a sharper bang straining her fragile mind "You should see the jutsu's they make and the missions, I don't understand how it can all look so stupid. Can't they hire a nin to instruct them or something?" she laid her chin on her hands, trying to control her erratic inner movements "I also have some heavy dramatic ones, the intelec—"

"Stop talking." she interrupted harshly and then pinched the bridge of her nose "That was rude. I just… I think it's better if I go back to my apartment now."

Before she could rise from her seat, he held her hand. "Stay for one more night."

Why did he have to look at her that way? Why did he have to make everything more difficult? She needed to be alone.

"How can you stand this?"

"What?"

"Even I can't stand myself, so how can you…"

"I like being with you, Gohama, that question never crossed my mind."

"It should."

"Okay, if that's what you want, yes, I can stand you perfectly well."

Gohama sat back on the chair, her face covered by her hands. "You're a fool, Hansuke, you don't even know me."

"Of course I know you." his tone low and wounded.

She leaned back against the chair and crossed her arms over her chest. "We've known each other for what? Six months? That's nothing. We've had whole different separate lives before."

Hansuke leaned forward and laid his hand on her knee, which she shoved away with a shake of her leg.

"What's going on, Gohama?"

His voice had a softness to it that made everything more difficult. She didn't know what was going on, one moment she was fine, the next it felt like the earth was burying her deep down and she couldn't breathe.

"I don't know…" she whispered helplessly.

He leaned into her, his strong hands on her hair and back, pushing her to rest against his chest. A lump closed in her throat at his affection. Why did everything had to be so painful to her?

"I can't take it anymore…" she breathed out.

At her words, he started brushing through her hair the same way he had done on his porch. There was little soothing this time. There were neither tears nor sobs. She hadn't been able to cry for so long now. No matter how much she pushed for it, no matter how much her shattered pieces asked for it, she couldn't. There were no comforting words from him. What could Hansuke say to her? Nothing she would hear could mend her brokenness. It was cruel, but it was true. She was beyond healing.

Somehow, they were back in his bed. Her head lay on his stomach and he continued stroking her hair. It was nice. His chakra core was right below her cheek, she could sense with the utmost precision the lively flow of it. The way it circled out through the left. How it dispersed onto his pathways, in a steady, controlled and calm rhythm. The earthiness of it, the wetness, the underlying heat.

Gohama tilted her head up to look at him; she found him looking back at her. The tenderness in his hazel eyes with underlying worry.

"How are you so good at this?" she asked softly.

"After my father died, my mother had a hard time. I learnt how to take care of her."

"You were so young…"

"We're shinobi. We have to grow up fast." His words had no bitterness for the life that had fallen onto them.

With a stable rhythm, he brushed his fingers through her hair. It reminded her of Koroko's gentle brushing of her hair, so many years ago. It calmed her into a quiet, dreamless sleep.

When Gohama woke up the next day, Hansuke was still sleeping. She carefully pushed herself off him and settled at eye level with him. As she watched him sleep, a wave of warmth filled her chest. It terrified her, but she didn't indulge in that. Gohama realised she couldn't leave him, not even for a straight way through her purpose. She would train extra hard, she would drain herself every day, so she could stay in her team. Her team. Fuck Danzo. Her family wouldn't want her to sell herself. At least, of that she was sure. And she trusted Hansuke's judgement and his skill. She trusted him. And her team. Her attachment for them had crept on her.

Maybe it was weak. But now she couldn't care, not when her heart longed as she watched Hansuke's handsome and peaceful face, felt his reliable chakra seeping under her skin. He had a light dusting of stubble. Careful not to wake him, Gohama caressed his cheek and jaw with the back of her fingers. His reddened, slightly parted, lips caught her gaze. She withdrew her hand, fighting the urge to trace them with her thumb. Her own turned into a content smile.

She rose from the bed, renewed resolve pushing her forward. She searched for a piece of paper and wrote a simple "thank you" in it. It was easier for her to leave before he woke up. Another burst in affection made her clear his tossed hair from his forehead and gently press her lips to the warm skin between his brows.


	17. II - Chapter 6

PART II Chapter 6

* * *

Faint grunts and thuds spread through the trees, sometimes cut off by a more enthusiastic or pained cry. The three familiar chakra signatures moving around in her awareness made her smile softly. A particularly bouncy one flared along with a shout of effort. Gohama reached the wide clearing of the training field soon enough to see the wind attack being intercepted by a think wall rising from the soil. At this moment, Kisamaru used Hansuke's focus on his jutsu to sneak behind him. The jonin evaded his gentle fist and the ones that followed suit. Nikato joined his partner in the close taijutsu fight. Hansuke was still too fast for them to hit severely.

The redhead swiped his gaze through the place where Gohama was leaning against a tree. His head turned to his adversary and quickly snapped back towards her. Who would have thought he would be the first to notice her? When Nikato was ready to sprint to her, Hansuke took advantage of his distraction and kicked his side. Gohama cringed as he rolled through the ground, only to pick himself up again and run towards her. This made the other two heads glance to her. There was no more need to hide her chakra now. Nikato lunged himself and caught her in a crushing hug. She coughed at the pressure on her ribs. After a few long seconds, she gave him a strained pat on the back.

"You can let go of me now."

He settled her back on the floor.

"You've missed some things while you were gone. Hanako and I broke up, turns out we weren't actually together, at least she said we weren't." he explained with a chagrined tone and blushed cheeks.

"Hanako?" she felt bad for asking, but she had no idea who he was talking about.

"The blonde you helped me with…"

"Oh the blonde!" she exclaimed in recognition "She wasn't the right girl for you. Kind of a bimbo, really."

"You weren't there when me and Kisamaru went out to drown my sorrows…"

He was trying to seem indifferent, but Gohama could sense his dejection. She tore her eyes away from him to her other teammates now reaching them. He shouldn't have expected her to be there. He shouldn't have expected anything from her.

"Good to have you back, Kyura." Kisamaru spoke her clan's name with a soft voice.

"Did you actually miss me, Hyuga?" she joked with him, but the warmth she felt at her team's welcome still seeped through her tone.

Her gaze moved to Hansuke's hazel eyes. He had an annoying knowing smirk, practically screaming to her how right he had been about their team, about her.

"How about we continue with our spar?" he asked, never faltering with his gaze on hers "Gohama and I against the boys."

"Hai." the other two answered and moved to the centre of the field.

Hansuke wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pressed her to his side in a half-hug. "Let's see what that logged body of yours can still do." he teased.

Gohama blushed at his talk about her body. She shoved him away with her shoulder. "It can still do more than you could ever handle, Suke."

Their spar ended with a victory from team Gohama and Hansuke, as was expected. Still, she could definitely feel the strain of a few weeks without training and simply flopping on a bed or couch. Her muscles were painfully sore and her speed had decreased slightly. The team had agreed to meet that night on a quiet, less frequented bar, which Gohama internally thanked, she was definitely not ready for Ippon yet.

The boys went ahead, while she stayed back with Hansuke. They hadn't talked about her two-nights stay at his place and she hoped they wouldn't. He, probably already knowing this, indulged her with that. Still, Gohama had something to ask of him. After days of thinking and now that she had decided to stay on the team, she had pondered about learning kenjutsu. Hansuke was a master at it due to his days as ANBU, he could certainly train her well.

Kenjutsu had become her training priority because of Father. For all her childhood, she had been fascinated and inspired by Father's mastery of the long sword. His tachi was an heirloom that had been in the Kyura for hundreds of years, craftily made and kept. Its beautiful sheath depicted a winter hunting scene where white wolves harmonised with people. It had been made for chakra moulding and, when handling it, Father covered its blade with a powerful layer of chakra. Gohama had always dreamed of once fighting with the sword, moving with same deathliness and prowess as Father. During her time in the Arms, other pressing training had gained priority, but now she could follow on Father's footsteps.

"Hansuke," she called the man walking slightly ahead of her.

He stopped and turned to look at her with a charming smile. "Yes, Gohama?"

She just had to say it, but for some reason, whether concerning her pride or fear of being rejected, it was suddenly very difficult to form the words. "Could you, maybe, train me in kenjutsu?"

His smile turned into a self-satisfied smirk. She already knew what would coming out of that annoying mouth of his. "My, my, Gohama, are you admitting I actually have something to teach you?"

"Are you just going to pester me or take this seriously?"

"I am taking this perfectly seriously."

"So… will you?"

"Only if you beg with "Please, teach me, Hansuke-sensei"." he poorly mimicked the timber of a pleading woman.

"You're a really kinky pervert."

"I won't train you if you don't say it." under his amused tone was an actual demand.

All Gohama did was huff in frustration and stomp away from the training field. She would never fall in his stupid depraved little requests, just so he could mess with her.

* * *

Gohama was standing on her building's front door, searching for her key, when an ANBU operative materialised behind her. Had Tsunade found out about her idle weeks and admonish her for that? She turned around with crossed arms and leaned against the door.

"Danzo-sama requests your presence."

Her heart skipped a beat. She would actually have to confront the man, he couldn't just take a hint from her silence. Was he pissed off? Was he planning something? Gohama could imagine he wasn't used to being said no, most powerful people weren't.

"Where?" her voice had a perfected indifferent tone.

"I am to escort you there."

A bead of dread started growing in her stomach. If she were to enter Root grounds, the most likely outcome was to never come out of them. Could she say no to going there? Could she warn someone before? Why hadn't she taken Nikato and Kisamaru to Ichiraku? She was beginning to regret her choice of a quiet dinner in her apartment. At least, if she didn't show up for drinks tonight, the three of them maybe would suspect something.

"Can't I freshen up first? Go to the bathroom?"

"There are bathrooms in the Hokage Tower."

That wasn't so bad. She could do Hokage Tower. She carelessly waved her hand, pointing to the path in front of them. "Escort away."

The Root operative jumped onto a rooftop and she followed suit. In a couple of minutes, they were at the Hokage Tower. Gohama supposed that, as a former Council Elder, Danzo had an office somewhere in the building. They hadn't passed anyone she could warn or ask to give a message. If she were to disappear, the boys would have to realise that by themselves. They walked the long circular corridor, no one crossed their path. The Root stopped in front of an ordinary wooden door, the same as all the other ones there, and knocked.

A drawled out rough voice sounded from inside. "Come in."

The door opened and a wave of malicious chakra swept over her. A shiver ran through her spine. She would never get used to the sinister feel of Danzo's chakra. Despite how much it affected her, Gohama moved forward with haughty steps towards the bandaged man sitting behind a desk. There were no windows in the office and every corner of the room had a Root operative guarding. It wasn't as barren nor wide as the Hokage one, some weapons and tapestries decorated the space.

"Glad you could meet me, Kyura-san." he greeted, as if he had given her a choice.

"Kyura-sama." she corrected.

"And what makes you think you deserve the honorific?"

"I'm the head of the Kyura, one of the noblest clans."

He gave a dry rumble of his throat. "I see you not only have the Kyura bloodline limit, but their conceit as well."

"It's only conceit if it's not deserved. The Kyura deserve every honour."

He leaned against his chair with his fingers crossed under his chin. Gohama focussed on the cross scar in his chin, it was a weird pattern for a facial wound.

"Do they?" he let the rhetorical question linger, while he scrutinized her "You remind me of another massacred noble clan's heir. The same powerful blood, the same arrogance, the same circumstances. Everything points for the same fate."

"I'm not the Uchiha boy."

"No. You're the Kyura girl. The only difference between your stories is that he already chose to follow power. You have the choice now. Will you choose to fight for your clan?"

"Yes."

He leaned forward, a flicker of uncertainty in his eye. "So you accept my invitation to join ANBU? An independent team led by you with operatives of my own. Freedom of movement besides what I ask of you."

Gaara had given her the same offer. She had said no then, she would say no now.

"No."

"Your team is not enough for power. Not even Hatake Kakashi is. "Gohama's stomach flinched at his name. Did Danzo know she had wanted him to train her? How could he? She was always aware of the chakra signatures spying on her" Uchiha Sasuke knew this." another dry chuckle "It seems the Kyura heiress is denser than the Uchiha heir."

"What makes you think you can give me power? What makes you think I want power?"

"You're a Kyura. Your blood is made for power. And there is already unfathomed power in you. I can fathom it. I can truly make it yours."

Was Danzo referring to the ten-tailed beast? He thought she was the jinchuriki. He wanted Seiryu's power. Gohama already suspected this, but having him say it with that demanding sinister tone made another shiver ran through her. A heavy coldness sank on her stomach. Even without making the deal with him, Danzo wouldn't give up on such enormous power, even if he couldn't be sure she even had it. The certainty of her bloodline limit was enough for him to take the risk.

"We both know you only want to make it yours."

"No. I only intend to bring forth the full potential of a dead clan to safeguard my village. You're a Konoha kunoichi now, you should wish the same. Taking this in mind, what is your answer?"

"No." she stated firmly.

He sighed condescendingly and eyed her with intensity. "I would offer you a few more days to gain some reason, but I think the past few weeks alone have been enough brooding for you." Gohama wasn't surprised he knew about her moment of _reclusion_ "I suspect your stay with your team leader persuaded your decision. You've grown quite close."

There was an underlying threat to his comment. The protectiveness part of her rose with full-force, but she quieted it down. Gohama couldn't show she was affected, that would give him leverage over her and jeopardise her team more. He could threatened all he wanted, but if he actually had the audacity to touch one of her teammates, he would regret it. No amount of power or cunning could stop her raging Kyura chakra. He was dangerous, still. Danzo had both brute power, with Root, and influence, with his political games and intel. She was still unsettled by his ability to gain it, it seemed in Konoha every wall had Danzo's ears.

"Not really. You and I both know how crucial it is to leave those around us pleased. A pleased person doesn't question. Better even if they don't know what it is to be pleased or displeased, much less question." her gaze swept over all four Root surrounding the room.

"Kyura-_sama_, it is good to see you don't take after your father." a sharp, stabbing pang thrust into her heart_ "_It would have been interesting to see you as Yukikage, if your Village was still standing."

"Father was a great, honourable Yukikage. I could only dream to be more like him."

A disturbing smile twisted his lips. "Maybe that's where you fail." She was ready to plunge into the man when the four Root surrounded her. He was amused by her reaction, her insides curled in disgust "I hope you accept the consequences of your final answer." he raised a hand in signal "Until the next time, then."

When the operatives grasped her arms and coaxed her to move, Gohama's muscles flexed and tensed in position for fighting. Would they only imprison her or kill her? Her chakra was already surging towards her skin and hands, when she felt her back hit a wall. The corridor wall. And the door in front of her closed. She dropped her head back on the wall, a long relieved and suffering sigh leaving her lips. This was not the day.

* * *

The bar of choice was a dingy one Gohama used to go when needing a drink alone. The patrons were sparse but regular, which helped keep the business up. Most of the noise that night came from their table. Nikato was especially excited, he spent the whole time trying to either rile her up or make her laugh. Halfway through the night, the both of them began their usual drinking contest. Kisamaru was more talkative, he threw every now and then some well thought, almost philosophical comment that made everyone laugh. The little smirk he let out after that told Gohama he was exaggerating for the sake of entertaining them. Hansuke was his typical self, he joked around with all of them. His looks lingered slightly on her, taking note of her behaviour. He was probably making sure she had picked herself up after the last weeks. Honestly, Gohama wouldn't have done so easily without his patient help. His presence was always safe and calming to her, and her stay at his home only increased that. Danzo was right, they had grown quite close, every single one of them, but especially Hansuke.

It terrified her. This little talk with Danzo hadn't helped her dread over getting too attached to her team. However, she was too exhausted to fight it now. She was giving in to it. Pain and loss would come. It always did, at least for her. Now all she could do was protect them as best as she could. Would she fail? Probably. Would she die for them? Could she die for them? Her purpose was her duty to the Arms, dying before would be failing that. Maybe she would, maybe she wouldn't. Only in the moment could she know.

Nikato had his eyes creased, head thrown back and his arms circling his stomach. Shudders racked his entire body as he laughed from a stupid joke Hansuke had made. Kisamaru was also laughing, which in itself was surprising and entertaining enough. His lavender eyes were still open, and his shoulders rocked slightly while he tried to force them into being straight. But his lips were spread wide in an open smile. Hansuke was chuckling with a smug smirk after a well-made joke, waiting for his students to quiet down. Gohama realised her own lips were turning into a smile. She was definitely giving in.

And, in that moment, it was fine, she was fine, they made her fine. She felt her smile soft in wistfulness. Just as her childhood friends, her family and Uncle Tsukate had, her team now made it easier, her boys made it easier. Feeling her gaze on him, Hansuke turned to her, he gave her a warm smile and a squeeze of her hand. He could always read her and he could take care of her. Gohama trusted him. Gohama trusted them. In battle and in life.

When they decided to call it for the night, she was way past due on her alcohol tolerance. Nikato threw himself at her in a tight hug and, either because of the booze or her sentimental mood, she finally returned it, even if with less eagerness. Kisamaru waved and smiled at her, propping his ginger teammate on his shoulder and the last two teammates watched them stumble and chat away. Hansuke offered to walk her home. She dismissed him with a smile and a wave thrown over her shoulder.

It was a biting cold night, if it rained it would likely snow. Gohama looked up at the dark clear sky, the steam cloud from her warm breath rising up. She wished it would snow. Her route continued through the unpaved streets instead of the roofs. She chose to appreciate the cool air in a slow walk. Maybe let it clear her mind and sober her up. She would stumble slightly and curse at her lack of coordination, it didn't matter, though. There was no one in the streets in that neighbourhood and hour, her pride could still hold itself high.

Despite Danzo's invasion, which had irked her deeply, it had been a fine day. Training had been invigorating, she had missed using her chakra to fight and pushing her body, even if now her muscles were whining. Their night of relaxed drinking had helped her pacify her fear. It had been a good decision to leave the discussion over Danzo's talk for another day. She really wasn't in the mood to deal with anything related to that spiteful man.

A chakra signature materialised on the rooftop of the building beside her. Probably another shinobi going home, as she continued on her walk, he followed her path through the roofs. That was slightly disconcerting, but her drunk mind didn't make anything of it. Most shinobi walked on roofs, it was only a coincidence they had the same path. Suddenly, another fifteen of them surrounded her. Strong ones. She really regretted not accepting Hansuke's company back to her apartment, now. It had to be Root. Danzo probably wasn't happy with her answer, he had said something about consequences, hadn't he?

Gohama summoned her chakra-covered tanto and readied herself for combat. Why had she fucking accepted Nikato's drinking challenge? Danzo had to have chosen this ambush perfectly; soon enough for no one to know about their talk and after a night of heavy drinking. Senbon flew towards her, she evaded some of them a little too late for her comfort. Then they jumped towards her. Between the silent and fast attacks coming from all sides – they fought dirty - and her slower reflexes, Gohama could do little besides flailing around with her kicks and blade. At least a couple of them had fallen, still, her thoughts repeated a mantra "This is embarrassing" (and frightening).

She couldn't refrain from using her bloodline limit anymore. As she was coating her skin with a layer of chakra, a sharp pinch hit her back. Senbon. Was it poisoned? Her chakra faltered. It was definitely poisoned. She had to fuck over her pride and teleport out of there. Before she could make the hand seals, a kick hit her side and she was thrown towards another Root, who held her forcefully. Gohama prepared a strong chakra burst, but it never came. Her energy was cemented, heavy and pasted to her core. Her pathways empty.

Fuck. She was done. She had heard of chakra cancelling drugs. Stupid girl. Why had she decided to fight while fucking drunk? Gohama kept fighting the hold on her helplessly. One of the masked shinobi stabbed a vial into her arm. Her head started spinning even more, nauseatingly more, her force on her limbs fading away and soon her conscious had vanished too.


	18. II - Chapter 7

PART II | Chapter 7

* * *

The sun was already disappearing under the faraway line of mountains across from the Village. If he wanted to keep enjoying his book, he would have to either find another spot or use the sharingan. It was Gai's fault. He had just come from a short but ruthless mission, and after an entire day and night of sleeping and building up his chakra back, all he had wanted was to find a quiet spot and read his book. However, Gai had insisted on ruining his plans. He had spent most of the day avoiding that green leotard. He could have accepted a challenge and go on with his day, but deep down there was the tiny apprehension that after the mission he wouldn't be able to win. So, jumping from rooftop to training grounds to trees had been his day. Since when had the green beast learnt all his secret spots? Only at the end of the day had he found peace and quiet at the top of Yondaime's spiky hair. Still, there was something prickling him at the bottom of his mind, which wouldn't let him relax fully. He wondered if he had forgotten to feed the dogs, or some very late report, maybe had stood up someone, but nothing.

The lack of light was straining his eye too much, so he closed his book with a snap and went home. Just as he was passing the Hokage Tower, Hansuke blocked his way.

"Nice to see you, Hansuke." he greeted with an eye crease.

Only then did he notice his worried look. "Where have you been, Kakashi? I've been looking for you for ages."

"We saw each other a few days ago, I doubt you've been looking for ages." he joked with his typical nonchalance.

"This is serious, Hatake. Gohama disappeared."

His guts jerked at his words. She wouldn't just disappear like that, she was probably just brooding somewhere. "She's probably at her house." he said would a dismissive wave while continuing on his path through the rooftop.

"No. She's good now. She never came to training today and didn't warn me. She always warns me when she's fine."

Kakashi halted on his steps. His apartment was to the left and Gohama's to the right. It was now time to decide if it was worth doing something about the prickling at the back of his guts now growing into a full out worry.

"How could someone do something to her without anyone noticing?"

"She was drunk last night when she went home. Alone." Hansuke pinched the bridge of his nose "I knew I should have walked with her. Fuck…"

"Maybe she's just sleeping off her hangover."

"I don't think she's in her apartment but I can't be sure."

They both parted to the right with a fast pace. One thing was certain, no one could have gotten to her in her apartment. The thing was locked down with Kyura fuinjutsu, it was almost safer than Konoha's prison. Kakashi laid his hand on her front door and sent a small impulse of chakra, praying she had changed the seal to recognise it. Dark letters and patterns appeared on the wood, typical of Snow's seal language he wasn't familiar with, and opened with a click. Both men sighed.

Before he could enter, Hansuke grasped his shoulder. "You know that if she's in there she'll kill us both." he warned.

He nodded and with that, Hansuke pushed the door forward slowly and hesitantly, the hinges squeaking with the motion. When no raging girl went stomping towards them, they finally entered. The entrance led directly into the living room, a sectional grey sofa and coffee table were the only furniture there. Kakashi continued forward, stealthily, almost afraid of breaking the silence and emptiness of the apartment. Only an intense scent of Gohama showed that she actually lived there. When he turned the corner, at the end of the room, was only a large dinner table and glass doors towards a balcony. In front of the couch was a fireplace and built-in bookshelf. Something Kakashi could only wish his apartment had, but it was empty. A part from the furniture, there was no other piece of decoration.

"This is…" Hansuke started.

"Impersonal."

Kakashi was ready to open what could be the bedroom door, when Hansuke said, "At least, there's one book." he held it in his hand and read the title "Myths and Folk Tales from the Land of Snow" he showed the cover to Kakashi, it was clearly a children's book with carefully drawn illustrations.

Hansuke brushed through the pages and stopped on the first one "_My dear Hama-chan, happy birthday! I hope this is your first book of many others." _Kakashi couldn't help but glance sadly at the empty bookcase_ "It's still a few years before you can read what I wrote, but until then (and, if you let me, after) I'll read this book to you, as my mother read it to me. May its stories free your spirit and kindle your dreams." _Hansuke's voice dropped to a painfully soft and slow tone _"You are the snowdrop of my life. With love, Mother." _

Kakashi clenched his jaw and fists inside his pockets, turning sharply away from the reading man. "You shouldn't read that and it's obvious Gohama isn't here."

"We should still check her room."

Kakashi was quick to open the first door out of three. The same as the main room. Only a bed, a closet and a nightstand. It was clear Gohama hadn't come to Konoha looking for a home.

Hansuke peeked inside and gave a tired sigh. "Snowdrop… That's that flower they use in their funerals, isn't it? What does that mean?"

"You should ask Gohama that."

Snowdrop was a small white flower that could flourish through the snow. It was an important symbol for the Land of Snow, but mostly the Kyura. Kakashi didn't know what it symbolized, something about balance and the pure side of a person. He couldn't be thinking about that now, nor the recurring words from Gohama's mother echoing in his mind, stabbing through him deeper and deeper.

He opened the last door, it was a storage room for weapons and laundry. If Gohama wasn't home and Hansuke hadn't found her, it was serious, she truly was missing. He reached for her used laundry basket.

"You pervert, Hatake. What are you doing?"

Kakashi took out a dirty shirt and threw it towards Hansuke, who had started glancing curiously towards her basket. He raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Wouldn't take Gohama as the lacy underwear type of girl."

Kakashi chuckled at him, when he saw he was actually blushing at his findings. "And I'm the pervert…" he mumbled while biting his finger.

With a quick set of hand seals and laying his hand on the floor, his pack appeared in a cloud of smoke. Hansuke gave him the shirt back promptly, which he waved in front of the eager snouts, already sniffing the air around them.

"It's been a long time since I've smelled him." Pakkun nodded towards Hansuke. "What are we doing in the Kyura girl's house?"

"How do you know it's her house?" the hazel eyed man asked.

"It stinks of her, obviously. Not so much of whiskey anymore, though."

Kakashi sent Pakkun a warning glare, he had already spilled too much.

"What? You've been here before?" he turned to the silver haired man "He's been here before?"

"No," Hansuke was ready to ask him again "I asked him to check if Gohama was here the first time she disappeared." he explained indifferently.

Yet he could still see from the corner of his eye Hansuke's knowing smile, the same he had given him when Kakashi went to check on her at his house. The one that said, "look who has a soft spot". It really did irk him. It wasn't a soft spot, he had promised Tsukate to look after his niece.

"Not that that's relevant now." he focused on the dogs and extended the shirt to them "Call me when you find the trail."

They waited for the signalling barks and howls on the building's rooftop. He almost prayed, it had been a long time since he had prayed. Probably when he was running towards the Valley of the End, towards his two fighting students. Now, he pleaded for her just to be sulking in her isolation somewhere. Then a bark came. Fuck. It was coming from the Village's gate. As Hansuke and Kakashi, started towards his ninken, the prayer was the same as in that day he had found Naruto laying by the water and Sasuke gone, let it not be too late.

When they got at the entrance of the Village all his ninken were already there. "The trail is half a day old. We can follow it easily, they don't seem to have used smell concealing jutsu." Pakkun told them "We sense six other scents."

"Pakkun, warn Tsunade. Uhei, lead the way, the rest can go home."

They ran at their highest speed through the wide street leaving the Village. How had they left without the guards stopping them, without noticing Gohama? They had to be Root, if dressed as ANBU, they could easily leave Konoha with no questions asked. Kakashi would have liked to stay behind to interrogate the guards standing post last night, but they had to be fast. Any second could be too late. Dread was seeping away through both of them, he was sure Uhei could smell it. His prayer kept ringing in his mind, like a desperate litany. Let it not be too late. Let it not be too late.

* * *

**Warning: This scene has depictions of violence and torture**

The new surface beneath her hands was cold and smooth. The sweat soaking through her palm and fingers made her desperate grip slide. The metal was becoming warm now. She preferred it cold, she preferred when it clashed against the temperature of her own body, when it thrust apart from her perception. Now, it was warm, mixing with the awareness of her own hands, disappearing from under her skin until she couldn't feel it anymore. She lifted her hands from the arms of the chair and waited, begging for it to cool down quickly. Then she pressed her back hard against the chair, she focussed on feeling the resistance of it, the pressure of the smooth surface, the sharp end of it biting into her shoulder blades. Her whole mind was captured by the sensation of having her back pushed into the metal chair. But soon, that was vanishing too.

The agonising stream oozing from the mockingly light fingers on her temples soaked into every cell of her body. No matter how much she forced herself to feel the cold grip of her hands on the chair arms, or the sharp edge of the chair's back on her shoulder, the pain screamed louder to her perceptions, thrust deeper into the nerves encircling her body. All her mind could grasp besides the pain was the despairing plea for it to end. It collapsed on to itself when every thought was "can't bare it much longer, let it stop, let it stop". But she always bore it.

A genjustu, she was being tortured with a fucking genjutsu. And she was hopeless, it was truly hopeless when a genjutsu won over her. There was nothing more evil than the chakra shackles pining her wrists and ankles. The shinobi torturing her was spiteful, but he had no power. All his domination over her was because of those cuffs condensing her chakra into a still lead ball in her core.

The pain stopped. And Gohama realised there was nothing more pleasing in the word than the bursting relief, so intense it felt almost like joy, of having pain stop. Humans were ruled by their bodies, she thought, as she felt the familiar sting of knees scraping on the ground and the bite of hair being pulled from her scalp. Her tattered knees scraped for, honestly she didn't know how many times it had been, something between two and one thousand times. They were scraped against the cold tiled floor, leaving a trail of blood behind, covering the dried one before it. Her hair served as a leash as the man dragged her from the centre towards the wall. It hurt, but it was real, physical pain, concentrating on her scalp and her knees. Nothing like the dreamlike one that attacked every particle of her body and burned, cut, crushed and ripped everywhere and nowhere. And every time it engulfed her she was nothing but the pain and her plea to make it stop. No past, no future, no dead people, no duty, just pain, pain, physical pain. Humans were ruled by their bodies.

The dragging stopped when, still pinned to the fallen chair, she leaned over a tank of freezing water. The hold on her hair loosened as the man let her look at her ragged reflexion on the murky surface. Then he pushed her face forward, only the tip of her nose touching the water, the touch brought with it fearful anticipation.

"Just one word. One simple word." the man reminded her, his breath grating her ear.

Gohama kept her vocal cords unmoving, as they had been since the moment the man stepped into the cell. The man was different from the other thugs. The thugs had beaten her up, kicked her ribs and punched her face, they had enjoyed it, they had laughed. Gohama had riled them up because they had let themselves be riled up, they had let themselves fall into blind rage. And then she had struck. Even stuck to her chair with no chakra, she managed to kill two of them. The beating had been more ruthless and raging after that, but she had been hopeful, because if she waited long enough more two would fall and then other two and until they would all have died.

But then the man had entered the cell. She had felt it right as his stony eyes locked with her own. There was no sadist pleasure, no eerie vibe, no lecherous anticipation. Nothing seeped out of him, only carefully neutral words when needed. "Are you the Kyura jinchuriki." "No". And then the pain had started. "Are you the Kyura jinchuriki." "Yes". And then the pain had returned. He didn't want an answer, he asked for it, but he didn't want it. He didn't want anything. His end was to break her, but he didn't want that. He was pure nothingness and it was enough to help her fissures from the pain crack.

The man pushed her head down onto the freezing water. Even her blood from the Land of Snow couldn't stop the jolting shock of it. The drowning served to wake her from the pain and make her crave life. Something about being drowned made the survival instinct flame through a person's body. It helped counter the despair for the pain to stop through any way, whatever way. Only when she was submerged, did Gohama let her voice scream away from her burning throat. The muffled sounds were almost inaudible over the bubbles of air rising up. It never helped her burning lungs and craving chest, but her spreading cracks halted for a second with the release. In that instant, she would remember all the reasons why she couldn't shatter. Duty.

After too many sips of sharp water slipped down her nose and throat, making her instinctive squirming duller, almost none existent, the man pulled her out again. She gasped and coughed and gaged, involuntary tears mixed with her vomited water onto the cold one of the tank. The wavy mirror was gradually drawing her reflexion as it stilled. Then, she was dragged back into the middle of the room, her knees scrapping again.

"Are you the Kyura jinchuriki?" the man asked while laying his fingertips, too smooth, too gentle for a ninja, on her temples.

"No." her voice was weak and rasped from the cold burns, pathetic.

The pain returned. Someone was whimpering, it sounded like a child, it was vulnerable and helpless. She hadn't heard such moving whimpering since the Arms, it strained her heart. Poor child. Why would the kid be whimpering? Gohama focussed on it, she focussed on the scraping of metal on tiled floor that accompanied it. If she had her power, she would stop the whimpering. Her clenched eyes could almost make out the image of the whimpering child. Children shouldn't whimper, they should laugh and shout and not hurt. Yes. If she had her power, she would stop children from hurting. Especially the one she was hearing now. Her familiar whimpers should never be heard.

Two new chakra signatures crept into her awareness. The whimpering stopped and Gohama dared open her eyes to a black lean shirt. The too soft fingers in her temples tilted her head up, methodical and cold eyes studying her. The pain didn't stop, but the same relief, as if it had stopped, crashed over her, so overwhelming the child whimpered one more time. Then, one of the enemy chakra signatures stationed somewhere in the compound faded away into void, then another one, and another. The pain immersed her still, but the growing closeness the two oh so familiar signatures urged her to endure and somehow it was bearable with them there. Hansuke's steadiness had never comforted her more than now, not even when he had stroked her hair. Kakashi's contained wildness had never made her feel more protected than now.

Only when the sounds of fighting oozed under the white door, did the two man inside realise they were going to fall. A nod of permission from the one leaning against the door, the medic one, and a tearing, truly unbearable pain, scorched every cell of her body. She didn't even feel her legs and arms being freed from the chair, nor the deafening scream, soaked in despair and panic, grinding through her throat. She was only pain.

Then it stopped, with no relief, only confusion. Gohama felt a faint coolness on her forehead and stomach. The shadow of pain still shivering through her body. When she opened her eyes, there was only white. A stream of red slid onto her field of vision. Was she having some weird dream? She turned her head to follow the stream, it lead to the forehead of the man. She wouldn't know he was dead if not for the kunai between his cold methodical eyes. She had been right, he had hands too smooth. He was no true shinobi.

The pull of her hair brought her head up from the cold floor, the sting of it bringing some clarity to her mind. She could see Hansuke and Kakashi standing in front of them, although slightly blurred. Still, she could feel the unsettling chakra leaking from them. Gohama had never sensed Hansuke so unruly and ruthless. She wondered why they weren't moving to get the fucking shackles away from her wrists and ankles. Then she finally felt the sharp edge of a blade pressed to her throat.

"He won't kill me." her voice cut through her throat, she could even taste the iron. When had she been hurt there?

A burning pain stabbed through her lower back, she muffled a groan. The medic nin released his hold on her hair, but before she could hit her head on the ground Hansuke caught her. Kakashi was fighting the guy, his chakra the same as when he was ANBU. She was turned around and laid carefully, her weight settled on her bound hands at her back. The worry, almost fear, in his hazel eyes merged with tenderness as they looked at each other. Hansuke let the back of his knuckles trace her cheek and jaw, so lightly, as if he was afraid to hurt her. A trapped sob smothered her ragged throat.

"Gohama…" was all he said and it was enough.

"The shackles…"

"I can't, I need the key."

His eyes lingered on hers, she wished he wouldn't turn away, but he had to. He assessed her wound, she could see his scowl at the blood dripping from it. The guy was a medic nin, he knew where to stab. Hansuke pulled a pill from his pouch and pushed it over the barrier of her cracked lips. It tasted like iron when she chewed it. His thumb brushed a gash at the corner of her lip closed with dry blood, made by one of the thugs when he had punched her. Then, he gave her an apologetic look before he covering her lower abdomen and back with burning antiseptic.

A bright and frantic blue light filled the room along the sound of chirping birds. The feel of electrifying chakra shoved into Gohama and she looked behind her in awe. Her skin broke with goose bumps at the mercilessness and power of Kakashi's ball of lightning chakra. It was the first time she was seeing his famous chidori, it was beautiful. She kept the feel of it well guarded in her mind, maybe she could learn it someday. Then, he flung his hand towards the man's chest, the smell of burning flesh joining the one of ozone. It was over in a second, the body slumped forward when he pulled his hand away from the chest hole. Only then did she realised a medic nin might have been of good use to her.

Kakashi went to them, he kneeled beside her and started fumbling through the chakra shackles. Gohama couldn't keep her eyes from his own, both of them. His usual nonchalant stance had given place to a stern, blank one, but there was a fiery darkness behind his eyes, a dangerous, predatory one. He turned to look at her. She could finally see his sharingan eye without the dimness of a mask. His scar bisected his lid, from his brow to his cheek, giving the eerie, ominous eye even more menace. The three tomoe spinning slowly around his pupil, sliding through crimson iris. It was both mesmerising and domineering. Only when he unlocked her wrist shackles did she break away from its pull. She closed her eyes and her back arched as a surge of energy flowed back through her pathways, relief and vigour spreading with it. A soft sigh escaped her lips. Her chakra, her Kyura chakra.

Right away, she moved her hands to her wound. Light green energy seeping onto the cut, she couldn't heal it, but could assess the damage. Dread crushed suddenly into her.

"There goes the plan of rebuilding my clan." she whispered with a cynically light tone.

The two men looked at each other.

"Do you have a teleportational scroll?" Hansuke asked

"No."

"Why didn't we bring one?" he hissed through clenched teeth.

"Hurry."

Hansuke turned back to patching her up, fighting the rage at Kakashi's casual answers. He was both gentle and forceful, the gauze had to be pressed tightly to her, as not to lose too much blood.

"The closest city has a hospital." he told them while wrapping cloth tightly around her.

"No. No civilian healing." Gohama said steadily.

"Death it is then. You'll bleed out in an hour."

Gohama sulked like a child and glared at Kakashi. "Why did you kill the medic nin?"

"Sorry. Next time I invite him for tea." he quipped with an eye crease. Before she could answer back, he added "Are you cold?"

"No." she really wasn't.

"You're shivering." he laid a warm hand in her forehead and collar "and you're freezing."

Gohama looked down at her hands and they, in fact, were shivering, her legs too and arms. Her hair was still wet from the drowning and she was only in her bindings and pants. Then, she focused her gaze on her chest and the tell-tale sign of cold was obvious through the white cloth, now slightly sheer from the water, covering it. Her previously freezing face and neck were know burning from a deep blush.

"You're a pervert." she mumbled as an attempt to shift her embarrassment to him.

"I swear that was not what made me notice…" he brushed the back of his neck, the skin above his mask reddening.

Hansuke took his sweater hastily and offered it to her. Even he was blushing. Trying to ignore the embarrassment that had made them forget about Gohama's serious condition, they helped her get into Hansuke's back and quickly ran into the trees surrounding the enemy compound.

The pain was not enough to dry Gohama's comfort at having Hansuke's heat and chakra soak into her front. The smell of him in the sweater she was wearing and the skin of his neck, where her nose was pressed against.

* * *

There was only the sound of muffled breathing and changing pages. She couldn't remember where she was and why she was there. Her eyes cracked open but, in front of her, was only a nightstand and window, the wall's paint was beige and split, the floor had carpet. She hated carpeted floor. Wherever she was with whomever she was, because there was someone behind her and she couldn't recognise that presence, Gohama knew it was safe. So, she focussed only on the rhythmic sound of paper brushing against paper.

It was lulling, despite the cruel grasp it had on her heart. She remembered Mother. There was always a sob caught inside her when she thought of Mother. She remembered her soothing voice and acting skills when she pretended to be the characters in the books she read to her. She remembered how Mother pinned her dark brown hair up, in the dark it was black, but not in the sun. Her bangs spilled through the side of her cheeks, the curls, she had had curly hair, sliding down from where they were pinned with carelessness. She remembered that in the sun there were locks that almost seemed copper. She remembered wishing she could have Mother's hair, she remembered wishing she could have Mother's naturalness. Mother had been the Head of Clan's wife, the Yukikage's wife. Father couldn't have done it without her. Gohama was much like Father. She loved being like him, but as heiress it was better to be like Mother, all poise and beauty and rule.

One more turning page and her eyes stung with wistfulness and grief. _May its stories free your spirit and kindle your dreams. _Why had Mother wished for that? Mother had known she couldn't be truly free, she couldn't dream. Just like Father, just like Mother after marrying him. Still, Gohama dreamed with Isune-chan, but they weren't real dreams, they were unreal and meant to be unreal. She remembered Mother's smile when she had told her the stories they made up together, the pictures Isune-chan painted as a childish way to make the unreal real. Maybe they had been real for a little while. Then, one day the dreams hadn't tasted of anything, one day Gohama couldn't feel them as real anymore. She never did mourn for them. She accepted it as a necessity for being what she was meant to be, the Kyura heiress, the protector of the Arms.

Now that she thought about it, she should have mourned. It had been much too soon for her made up world to fade. Even if it would someday anyway. Gohama had a keen sense for the reality of things. Only children could have free spirits and kindled dreams, because they weren't bound to the reality of things. Except when she had read or Mother had read to her. Maybe that's what it had meant. Gohama had never had the courage to ask for fear of Mother thinking she was dumb. At least when she had read, she didn't have to be bound to the reality of things. She was more than the Kyura heiress. She was the words marked in the pages of the book. Mother had wanted her to guard those childish dreams.

But Gohama didn't want that wild, naïve freedom of children. She wanted power and duty. She had been made for power. When Mother died so did her last thread of freedom, even if a fake, unreal, fleeting one. Gohama was duty and Gohama was failure. Gohama was weakness when she had been made for power. Dreams were for children and people with no purpose. She had a purpose, one larger than all her dreams could ever be, because it was real. The reality of things was cruel, but it was true. And Gohama had always wanted truth above all. Truth and duty.

One more brush of paper. She recognised the chakra signature beside her and with it the reality of things crashed once more into her shattered soul and body. (Not even memories were real) It was pungent and it was dirty and it was evil. It hurt with physical pain. She could still feel the shadow of too smooth fingers lightly pressed against her temples. She could still feel the shadow of burning, cutting, crushing, ripping pain in every cell of her body. She felt the cutting pain of a healing wound. Her heart decided it was supposed to leap away from her chest, to beat frantically against her rib cage. Her hands decided they were supposed to sweat and shake, even when she clutched the sheets with the same despair as she had clutched the metal arms of the chair. Her mind decided it was supposed to drown in terrifying fear for everything around her. From the splitting paint of the wall, to the stains of the carpeted floor, to the shadows of the window blinds and the shadows of her own figure cast by the lamp somewhere behind her. She was safe now, there was no reason to fear. The irrationality of it only made her more pathetic.

One more brush of paper. At least she didn't fear that. It comforted her because Mother had sounded like turning sheets and had smelled like newly print pages and stuffed old books from the attic. Mother had felt like snowy cold nights under her bed's heavy and warm blankets and the dim light of her nightstand lamp as she scrutinised the pictures on the book and tried to follow the letters Mother so perfectly read. Mother was poise and beauty and rule but she was also dreams. And that made her the perfect Head of Clan and Yukikage wife, because she wasn't just a wife, she wasn't just Mother, she wasn't just a Kyura, she was Misaka in everything she did.

"Can you read to me?"

"What?" Kakashi asked.

Hers was a simple question.

"Your book, can you read it out loud?"

"Ah..." she could feel him shifting in the bed and see his shadow brushing the nape of his neck "I don't know… It's not exactl—"

"I know it has porn, you can skip what makes you uncomfortable." he went still, probably pondering his options "My mother used to read to me." his silence made her feel even more vulnerable "And don't forget to do the voices." she added playfully.

Kakashi did read to her and did try his best to act every character differently. That was what she needed, even if it hurt her wound when she chuckled, it was comfortable and it was light. She enjoyed how offended and defensive he turned when she joked about the quality of the book. Suddenly, he transformed into a literary expert on erotic books with significant plot and characterisation. They weren't porn, _Icha Icha_ was erotic literature and the best out there, at level with classics from around the nations. And there was a passionate glint to his drawled lazy voice when he argued with her.

Gohama thought how Mother would have loved to know there was a grown up, deadly shinobi who let stories free his spirit and kindle his dreams, even if it was only porn and only for small instants, even if his jaded mind didn't realise that. Mother would have liked Kakashi.


	19. II - Chapter 8

PART II Chapter 8

* * *

There was a weird feeling gurgling in Nikato's stomach when he woke up that day. He rolled out of bed more easily because of it. He jumped down the stairs brushing the sleep out of his puffy eyes and was surprised to find his family sitting at the breakfast counter.

"Look who decided to crawl out of his cave so early?" his mum joked, while spreading butter on toast and giving them to his siblings.

He kissed his baby sister's crown routinely and ruffled his brother's hair with his fist. A sharp _Ow_ coming from him. Then he let his mum kiss his cheek and dad waved from his seat on the living room's armchair.

"Shouldn't you two be in school already? It isn't Saturday, is it?"

"It's still 8:30, you dumbass." Akio mumbled with a toast filled mouth.

"Watch your language, young man." mum called on him.

Nikato was probably getting sick, that's why his stomach felt so rebel and he had woken up at dawn. But he was still starving, which was weird. When he had stomach problems, he could never eat.

"Mum, I think I'm sick…" he whined from his stool, while stuffing his mouth with eggs on rice.

"But you're eating," she laid a hand on his forehead "and with normal temperatures. What do you feel?"

"My stomach feels weird."

"Do you have a mission soon? Maybe you're just nervous."

Nikato pressed his hand on his stomach and thought about what mum had said. It did feel similar to when he was nervous, but there was something different. Something like when he sensed an enemy close by… He wasn't being watched, was he?

"Maybe you could take Mime-chan to school and then talk to Hansuke-sensei."

"Yes! please, Ni-chan…?" his sister pulled on his pyjama's sleeve and used her perfected puppy eyes, to which only mum was immune in that family.

He smiled at her and agreed. He was never awake to take his siblings to school and, with the new afternoon training sessions, he could only pick up Mime-chan sometimes. He really liked taking his sister to school and she loved showing off his ninja brother to her friends. He usually did basic tricks with a kunai or shuriken, but, for civilian eight-year-olds, it was the coolest thing. Nikato ran upstairs and managed to make his sister late for only a few minutes. He used to carry her on his shoulders, but now she felt too old for that outside of their home. For Nikato, she could always be his baby sister, though. They walked side by side across the civilian district, greeting people and shoppers as they went. Civilians had always been more open than shinobi. He supposed it was expected with the lives they led.

After watching her auburn hair slip away through the school doors, he decided to find Hansuke-sensei. With his hands shoved into his pockets and kicking every pebble that crossed his way, he dragged himself towards the suburbs of the civilian district. Everyone in their team, well, at least Nikato and Kisamaru, he didn't know about Gohama, knew of sensei's life and why a shinobi by blood as him had a home in such an exclusively civilian zone. He had always supported Nikato when it came to mingling with the shinobi world. Sensei could always sense his unease and insecurity and he never made him feel different or less than other ninja born. Ayame-chan had also helped him a lot. When he had found a Hyuga was in his team, he had felt anxious and doomed. The Hyuga were one of the noble and most important shinobi clans of Konoha. They could get a little elitist within shinobi, so it grew only worse with civilians turned ninja.

Nikato could understand it somehow, although it irked him deeply. Most civilians were not cut, due to their chakra or upbringing, to be a shinobi. However, Nikato's godfather was a ninja and he had noticed his chakra's potential and filled his heart with the will of Fire. Nikato had wanted to be a ninja and he had trained mercilessly as a kid to be one. His godfather had been his first shinobi sensei, sharing with him the blood contract with his owls. During his first month on team 9, he never thought Kisamaru would be something like a brother to him. He had mistaken his poise and distance for arrogance and disdain. Ayame-chan had been essential on showing him the real Kisamaru. And Kisamaru had been essential on showing him how unfounded his envy for a noble clan's blood was. The Hyuga were powerful but not pretty. He looked back in shame at that first year as a genin. His family was everything to him, not the Byakugan, not the Sharingan, not any bloodline limit would ever make him wish for another family.

He stopped in front of Hansuke-sensei's front gate. The Will of Fire was a gift passed down through people, whatever people. Sensei's parents were both foreigners and yet he had the strongest, kindest Will of Fire. And Nikato thanked his godfather, sensei and teammates for offering him part of their own.

His knock and call echoed through a silent home. He opened the door and walked inside to find dirty dishes in the sink, tossed reports in his dining table and an empty house. The weird feeling turned even more intense.

The Hyuga compound was next. After waiting for his friend to end his spar with another Hyuga, they both walked towards the centre of Konoha.

"I mean, don't you have this bad feeling?" he asked him.

"Maybe. But I have a bad feeling many times and often it's nothing."

Nikato kicked another pebbled off his way. "Still… Gohama didn't show up for training yesterday and sensei felt the need to leave us alone to find her. Even when she disappeared a couple of weeks ago, he didn't do that. And now he's nowhere to be found."

"You did only look in his house."

"And there is something Hansuke-sensei and Gohama aren't telling us. If I know this, you definitely noticed it too."

"Yes, I did, but we shouldn't pry."

"What did you notice?"

"That Kakashi-sempai is also involved. Remember that night when we first sat at the corner table of Ippon and he left and Gohama left right away."

"Yeah, Genma-sempai thought they were having sex." which had been the most absurd thing and he had been right about that.

"I heard Kakashi-sempai ask Gohama where Hansuke-sensei was and then he left in a hurry. Gohama followed him and where did we find them next? In Sensei's home and they seemed to have been discussing something serious. Unfortunately, I passed out before I could understand more."

"But that was a long time ago…"

They kept walking, each one ruminating through their own idea and worries over their teammate's complicity. When they finally stopped, they were in front of the Hokage Tower.

"Guess we were thinking the same thing…" Nikato commented.

Kisamaru used the Byakugan to make sure they weren't interrupting any meeting when they barged into the Hokage's office.

"What do you want, brats?" Tsunade-sama barked, not looking up from her paperwork.

The both of them swallowed dryly and had an argument about who would speak with only pointed glares and head nods.

"I don't have all day."

"Tsunade-sama," Kisamaru bowed "we would like to ask if you know where Gohama and Hansuke-sensei are."

Tsunade-sama looked up at them with her sharp golden eyes and Nikato wished she had continued with her focus on paperwork. "Of course I know. I'm the Hokage".

Nikato managed to refrain himself from rolling his eyes.

"Yes, of course, we wanted to know if you could tell us, please."

"No." then she turned back to her papers.

"Please, Tsunade-sama," Nikato pleaded "I have this weird bad feeling and we're worried, we just want to know if they're okay."

She sighed and leaned against her chair. "They'll come back to Konoha soon enough" Why would they have left the Village? Before any of them could ask why they had left, Tsunade barked again "Now, off my office."

They both left, unhappy with their growing uneasiness and lack of answers. So, they went for food. On the way to their usual dango restaurant, Nikato spotted a small pug with a hitai-ate and a henohenomoheji on his vest talking to a pink-haired girl. The Copy-nin niken were infamous throughout the Village.

He ran towards them. "Hey!" he squatted next to the dog "You're Kakashi-sempai's ninken, right?"

"No petting, kid."

"We just want to ask you if you know where Kakashi-sempai is."

"That's none of your business."

The pink-haired girl looked at them curiously. "Why do you want to know where Kakashi-sensei is?"

"Ah, well…, you see…" Nikato clumsily started while getting up "our teammate and sensei disappeared and we thought maybe he knew where they went."

"And who are they?" she asked.

"Kyura Gohama and Giranai Hansuke."

"You know something." Kisamaru accused the pug.

Nikato turned his attention to the dog and there was obviously a suspicious glint to his expression.

"It's none of your business, kids."

Nikato squatted down and did his best impression of his sister's puppy eyes. "Please, please, tell us… We're really worried and they're our teammates. Please, …" he then realised he didn't know the pug's name "sorry, what's your name?"

"Pakkun."

"Please, Pakkun…"

"All I know is that yesterday afternoon Kakashi asked the pack to follow her trail and it led outside the Village, Hansuke was also with him. Then, they left with Uhei and I stayed behind to warn Tsunade."

The two teammates shared a dread-filled look. The gurgling in his stomach that had accompanied him since waking up had transformed into a cold, heavy block. Not, again, please, not with Gohama too, he prayed.

"It is probably a kidnapping case." Kisamaru said formally, scientifically. Nikato knew that when he had that tone for personal things was his way of freaking out. "Hinata-sama had an attempted one when only a child. It's common with bloodline limits. I'm surprised it wasn't tried sooner. Gohama is the last Kyura."

"Please, please, lead us to her!" Nikato begged the ninken.

"No. Not without Kakashi's permission."

"Can't you ask him?"

"That would mean doing the trip twice."

"Please, we'll buy you anything, biscuits, bones, meat! And massages, dogs like massages don't they? Just say the thing and will do it!" Pakkun was unmoving "Please… she's our teammate." his voice became weak and quiet "Another one of our teammates already died, we wouldn't forgive ourselves if we just stayed here and did nothing… Please, Kisamaru's a medic nin… she may need him."

"Please." Kisamaru added.

The pink-haired girl squatted next to him. "She's their teammate, Pakkun." her tone was sweet and broken at the same time. Recognition dawned on him, she was Kakashi-sempai's student, which meant the defected Uchiha was her teammate. "Kakashi-sensei will understand. He taught us only scum leave their teammate's behind."

The sympathetic and pained expression seemed so human on the dog. He turned to them with a sigh. "If Kakashi asks, you threatened me."

Before they left, Kisamaru turned to the girl. "You're Hanuro Sakura, the Godaime's apprentice." she nodded as response. "I'm a medic nin, if you ever need assistance or have a question you can ask me." he bowed "Thank you."

She blushed slightly. "There's no need to thank me. It was actually Gohama that first gave me the idea of becoming a medic. If anyone needs to thank anyone, it's me. Now, go. And don't worry, if Kakashi-sensei is with her I know she's safe."

If she was with Hansuke-sensei, he knew she was safe, too, Nikato thought to himself.

* * *

Fever dreams were his worst type of nightmares. Kakashi had fever dreams for three reasons, because he was seriously sick, because he was seriously injured and because he was seriously drunk. Most people blacked out from the world, he had weird, sinister dreams, full of horror and guilt. Guilt was part of his day-to-day life, but sometimes it burned deeper. This time the cause was completely clear, which he couldn't decide if it was better or worse. He always knew he shouldn't mix alcohol with guilt, because his usual guilt soaked dreams rose into Orochimaru-experiments level of disturbing.

This night, the few hours of sleep he had gotten were a psychedelic blend of his time in the Third Ninja War, his time in ANBU and his time with Team 7. And, because of some weird unconscious projection, even if he hadn't known Gohama during those times, she was always there. As an enemy he killed, a teammate he had let die or a student he had failed. The faces merged between the real person and her. In the background was always the blood-chilling, heart-shattering and mind-breaking scream he had heard rip her throat when they attacked the compound. It was common for him to merge people, some days Naruto was Obito, Sakura Rin and Sasuke himself. After living Gohama's memories in Phase two of the Chunin Exams, Kyura Tsukate was sometimes his father. But with Gohama it had been different. She was every single one of the people he had failed. Maybe because she was a symbol of how he failed even when thinking he was succeeding, of how he was realising that probably every mission he had ever completed meant him failing someone, somewhere. Most times, he never got to know them, but he had with her…

Gods, he was fucked up. He gave a bitter chuckle that reverberated through his hangover head. It was time to stop maiming his head with self-loathing and relieve his bursting bladder. He got up with a groan from the bed in the adjacent room. Hansuke and Gohama had taken the double one on the main room, which now only sported a lightly snoring, heavy sleeping Hansuke. Since ANBU Hansuke had the skill to sleep deeply and anywhere and anytime – literately anywhere and anytime - and only wake up during a threat. The squad had made fun of him for it, but everyone envied him. ANBU suffered from either blank or terrifying nights.

They had decided to stay a night in an Inn so Gohama could recover from the anaesthesia and her civilian-healed wounds. Hansuke had been worrying over Gohama's comment about rebuilding her clan, but the doctor assured them he had managed to save her reproductive system, while mumbling about freaky nin self-healing and not wanting to get killed. Needless to say, the doctor had been more than glad to let them leave with a still incoherent, semi-unconscious patient - who slurred something about treacherous and painful too smooth fingers - from his hospital. At least he shoved them several IV bags for intravenous feeding and painkillers.

He had hardly entered the bathroom when the sight made his heart jump. His precious _Icha Icha Violance_ was opened on Gohama's lap as she lay on the tub, her hand splayed on its red cover, a crease straining its spine. There was even the neck of a sake bottle inches from dripping that tainting liquid onto that perfect cover illustration. He was ready to explode in outrage, for having her rob him, a chunin managing to rob him, the Copy Nin, and the careless handling of his precious possession, when an important overlooked element dawned on him.

Gohama was holding a sake bottle. She had been drinking. Oh fuck. His eyes shifted from the book to her face and suddenly all his outrage was washed away by gut clenching worry. The skin of her face was clammy and yellow paleness, he couldn't feel her chakra signature. He threw himself to his knees and pressed his fingers to her neck. A flashing hand gripped his wrist and another pressed a kunai against his throat. She was definitely alive. Her initial brutal stare from jolt eased into annoyance, but she still didn't move the kunai from his neck.

"What are you doing?" she hissed, her alcohol drenched breath taking away any doubt about her stupidity.

"What am I doing? You were drinking, after a surgery, while on painkillers. I'm surprised you're not dead." he dragged the kunai away from the skin above his jugular with a finger "Also you stole my _Icha Icha_ and couldn't even take care of it right" once he didn't have a blade threatening him, he was fast at picking his book up, assessing the damage and closing it with tender pats. He heard her snort. "What were you thinking?"

"About the book or the drinking?"

"Why not both?"

She laid her head back on the edge of the bathtub. A groan escaped her colourless lips. "Ugh… my precious head…"

"I'm surprised it's only your head that hurts after sleeping in a bathtub."

"If only it was…" she whispered, while coating her lower stomach with green chakra.

She was ready to fall back to sleep.

"I need to take a shower."

"Then I guess you'll have to take it with me in here, I don't think I can get up."

He couldn't figure out if she was actually in pain from her wounds or too hangover to move. Still, he complied with an annoyed sigh and picked her up. She closed her lips together and lightly shivered, all her muscles tensed up. It was the first option then, but she would never admit to it.

Then her eyes went wide. "Toilet, toilet, toilet!"

The lid snapped against the wall with the urgency of his foot's handling. He laid her as carefully as he could while speeding for it, and pulled her hair away from the danger zone. Kakashi usually didn't stick around when people puked. His sense of smell made the experience a hundred times worse for him. Still, holding Gohama's tangled hair and offering a few sporadic and awkward pats to her back, while she spilled her guts out and he tried not to spill his own from the smell – a mixture of sake and bile -, was the least he could do after failing her and Tsukate so miserably.

When she finally stopped retching every few seconds, he decided it was time for a little light joke. "Good to know me holding you bridal-style makes you puke."

"Guess we can't get married now." her whisper echoed through the porcelain.

"Don't agonise over it." he said with a pat and unconsciously kept his hand on her back "I'd be a terrible husband."

"And I'd be a terrible wife."

Both of them tried to pass it as a joke, but they both knew it was true. Both of them devoted themselves to dead people and both of them lived only for their duty. Kakashi could never make someone happy, much less Gohama. Their scars were too alike.

He couldn't leave it on a too real note, so he kept on joking. "Maybe that's not so bad. We would only ruin a family."

"Nope, I don't want children with grey hair." she followed his lead effortlessly, though slightly offensive.

"It's silver." it was silver. "Do you need a glass of water?"

"And the toothbrush." she pointed to the cupboard on the sink with a weak finger.

Kakashi unwrapped the toothbrush and spread a generous amount of toothpaste on it. He vaguely wondered how much Hansuke had paid for the Inn. Maybe he had just brought them when he picked up their take out for dinner. After brushing her teeth, Gohama continued to stare at the water in the bottom of the toilet, her forehead propped on the edge.

"Do you still need to throw up or can I take a shower?"

She mumbled something to the inside of the toilet.

"What?"

"I still don't think I can get up." he had never heard a more sheepish tone on her voice.

"Let's see if we can get married after all."

He squatted down and slid his arm behind her narrow shoulders and another under her knees. She looked so small and vulnerable, with her hand clutching the fabric at his chest and her failed attempt not to wince as he picked her up. So small and vulnerable in his arms he had both the urge to run away from her and to never leave her. He was sure she hated being carried. He was sure she would hate it even more if she knew she looked just as small and vulnerable as she felt. Then he laid her on the right side of the bed and plugged in her painkillers' IV.

"You have very delicate hands for a ruthless shinobi."

He guessed that was her way of thanking him.

"You're welcome. I can make you sleep with my sharingan if that helps."

Gohama turned her big green eyes to his one concealed by the hitai-ate, a glint of excitement, perhaps, in them. She nodded in agreement and he uncovered it. Her gaze fixed on it with the same wonder and curiosity as when he had been unlocking her chakra shackles. His hand twitched for something, where it was resting on his thigh. They engulfed him with their starkness and forest green, the same that surrounded Konoha, and they pierced him with their Kyuraness. Her Kyuraness.

"Why do you have to look so much like a Kyura?" he whispered as not to wake Hansuke.

"Inbreeding."

And with that grounding, truthful answer, the pull was ruined and he threw his head back and clamped his hands over his mouth to stop his laughs from coming out. Good thing Hansuke could sleep through a war. After regaining his self-control, he looked back at her from his squatting position beside the bed. Pride and mirth floating in her eyes as they waited for him to settle down. It was good to see something there again. Kakashi was quick to put her to sleep, tucked her in better in bed and ran for the bathroom. His laughing had been merciless on his full bladder.

* * *

The three of them were ready to get back to Konoha. Gohama had taken a good dose of painkillers to help on the way back. Hansuke and Kakashi had offered to carry her, but, as expected, she refused.

Hansuke watched her sit on the windowsill. Her head leaning against the frame, which made the curve of her milky neck stand out. One leg was dangling out the window, while the other was bent. The deep blue dress he had bought her the night before slid down her thigh and huddled at the base of it. The dress that he bought for her last night in a dingy convenience store because she had nothing but scrubs and bloodied clothes to wear. And he wanted to see Gohama in a dress. The deep blue matched her pale skin, now the palest he had ever seen on her. All he had ever seen in her was sage green from her Kyura coat and black. The novelty of the cheap fabric flowing down her thigh and brushing her collar bone only captured his gaze more, as it jumped from the gentle curve of her neck, the fold of her leg and the picking of her fingers on the bunched up blue at her lap. Her face was tilted to the outside scenery and he could only see the arch of her cheekbone. Her raven hair draped over her face and shoulders.

What was she thinking? They had talked little. At dinner, she had told them of her meeting with Danzo. He didn't need that information to know this had been his doing. Still, Danzo knew how to cover his tracks, they could never prove he had been the one behind the kidnapping. When they were both laying on the bed, he had tried to have her talk to him, but she didn't. He couldn't understand why, he didn't know what he could do. He wondered what she was thinking and how she was coping. It actually hurt him to look at her, even if he couldn't even see her expression.

Hansuke had forgotten this tearing fear of having a precious person disappear. As he and Kakashi had ran after his ninken, his mind had been rearing with every possibility, every disaster. He had taken the full blow of every scenario created in his terrified mind. Not knowing had always broken him inside out. And even when he had seen her, alive, the fear hadn't vanished. He felt it freeze his blood on the chance of it happening again. They were shinobi. Their lives were soaked in fear for their loved ones. But this didn't make him jolt away. A burning purpose spread through his pathways and his flesh. Gohama. She was his purpose.

He would kill Danzo if he had to.

The tendons of her necked tensed and she became still. His reflex was too settle his hand on his thigh holster and focus on any chakra signatures. Gohama pulled her leg out and sat for a moment with both of them dangling off the window. Then she jumped. When he felt his body jolt in alarm, he was already falling with her. A hand wrapped around her waist and her back flush against his chest. He managed to perfectly absorb the fall with his chakra.

"Are you crazy, Gohama?" he turned her around and admonished. "You could have opened your stitches."

"I still know how to cushion my falls." she shoved him away.

"Why did you jump?"

"Nikato and Kisamaru are here." Gohama pointed to two silhouettes running up the street towards them. "How the hell did they know where we are?"

"One of my ninken probably showed them around." Hansuke tried not to twitch from the sudden voice that appeared beside them.

"Probably? They didn't ask you?"

Hansuke remembered how the dogs were unmoving when it came to Kakashi's orders in ANBU. Nothing was done without permission.

Kakashi simply answered with an eye-crinkling smile and a cryptic, "There are things worth overlooking permissions for, don't you think, Suke-kun?"

He was sure Kakashi was referring to his teammates above mission moto. Even in ANBU, where the mission became a momentary life objective for any operative, he preached and followed his teamwork speech. That's what had made him such a good Taicho for a cocky lost teenager as Hansuke at the time.

"If you call me Suke-kun again, I'll beat your lazy ass."

"You can try."

Gohama had already started walking, only with a slight limp, towards the shouting and gesturing Nikato with a timidly smiling Kisamaru next to him. Nikato stopped a step from her and just watched her for a moment, then he pulled her to him. Not like his typical crushing hugs he liked to inflict on her. He gently cradled the back of her head and tucked her to his chest, his chin tilted up to lay on her crown. Kisamaru, to Hansuke's surprise, joined them by pressing a soothing hand to her back. They were too far away for Nikato's calm words to reach him, but his concerned and warm eyes were enough to understand.

It filled the team leader's chest with affection and warmth. During the first few months, his hope had been flailing slightly. It had been worth it. Every trial for receiving Gohama in their holed team had been worth this. When they parted and the tender moment passed, they were back to their usual interactions. Nikato yelled a comment about her wearing a dress and she slapped him behind the head. Finally, the riled up reaction he had wanted from Gohama. Kisamaru was already coating her wound with his healing chakra.

"I told you they would get there." Kakashi said beside him.

He chuckled. "Only because you didn't want me to give you shit over your terrible idea."

"Looks like it wasn't so terrible after all."

"Yeah. But I can still feel the relief oozing out of you. Reminds me of that close call in the Land of Water, _Taicho_."

"That close call was most definitely not my fault. And if you remember well enough I was the one that got us out of there alive."

"Only after getting our asses seriously kicked."

His tree teammates finished with whatever they were bickering each other about and Nikato shouted over his shoulder, "What are you two old men waiting for? Let's go home!"

Nikato hauled Gohama's arm over his shoulder and Kisamaru did the same with the other. She leaned her head back and groaned as they started running towards Konoha.

* * *

The legs of the chair squeaked throughout the silent room as Kakashi leaned back on it. When he saw the bottom of the page was blank, indicating the end of another chapter of _Icha Icha Paradise_, he sighed heavily. Maybe he had timed his visit poorly. He turned the page and continued with his light reading, mostly out of boredom than anything. Still, he was careful in keeping his senses sharp, even if the room was isolated as most ones in the Hokage Tower.

He had been certain Danzo stopped by his office before or after a meeting with the Elders. Perhaps the meeting was taking longer than expected, he knew how petty those carcasses from the Council could be with the smallest of issues.

When the hinges of the door creaked, he pocketed his book. A flash of shadows rushed through the door towards his direction. He didn't flinch, but every muscle of his was ready to act if necessary. Before they could reach them, Danzo's command stopped them and the four Root retreated to every corner of the room.

"Good to see you again, Hatake Kakashi."

"I can't say the same."

His mask had always helped him hide his emotions. As a shinobi a schooled, distant expression was desirable. But not this time. This time he let his disgust and rage flare through the strip of uncovered face. He had even pulled his hitai-ate away from the sharingan. The only feature that remained cool was his voice.

Danzo moved to take his place behind the desk, but, seeing as Kakashi wasn't surrendering his seat on the chair, he stopped in front of the desk.

"To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"A simple thing. Keep your hands and your plans and yourself away from Gohama."

Danzo's throat rumbled in a dry chuckle. "Is that a threat, Hatake Kakashi?"

"Yes. It certainly is."

His uncovered eye twinkled with amusement. "And what do you plan to threaten me with?"

"That big secret, the one that would turn Konoha's diplomacy to shit, I'll leak it. You touch Gohama and I'll leak it."

The amusement fell from his face, replaced by outrage. "You would trade a Village secret for the safety of a foreign girl! That's treason."

"Gohama is a Konoha kunoichi. And treason or not I'd do it all the same. Followed by killing you, who knows?" he raised a hand at Danzo's urge to cut him off "And before thinking you can kill me first, I have to warn you that even dead, if Gohama's safety is compromised because of you, it will be leaked all the same."

He rose from the chair and casually walked towards the door. Before he could turn the nob, Danzo spoke, "She won't be happy with you if that information is leaked."

He knew that.

"I do hope you won't underestimate my ability to follow on threats." Kakashi said with an eye-crease before he closed the office door behind him.

Kakashi hoped this would be enough.

* * *

_I'm terrible at writing Hansuke. I try. He's a simple man with a good heart._

_Anyway, thanks for reading!_

_Ps: I published this chapter 2 times, so sorry for that. I already deleted one of them. _


	20. PART III - The Weapon

PART III

The Weapon

* * *

_Gohama kneeled solemnly and extended her tanto to lay it in front of the Yukikage's feet._

_After lowering her head in a bow, she looked up and spoke the ceremonial words, "I, Kyura Gohama, deliver to you, my Yukigake and my Village, my weapon as a symbol of my warrior duty. The love for my homeland moves me. May my devotion balance the darkness of a warrior. May my sacrifice be sweet if it protects and honours. To you, Yukikage-sama, and to Bikigakure, I pledge my skill and I pledge my life._

_"If death comes, may it be in honour of the Arms."_

_When Gohama finally met the gaze of her Yukikage, Father's eyes were hazy. If the redness was because of a happiness or of a sorrow behind them, Gohama didn't know. Her chest tightened but she didn't let her pride fall._

_She averted her gaze to his Yukikage ring and his wedding band - his weapon and his snowdrop._

_The same hand, with fingertips tinted red, moved to reach her weapon and she looked up at his eyes. It had disappeared, only her Yukikage was sitting before her._

_Yukikage-sama smiled softly and picked up her tanto. "I accept your weapon as a symbol of your warrior oath, Kyura Gohama."_

_He turned to the wooden bowl on the table beside him. Immersing the tips of his fingers in red powder, the Yukikage traced a line on the blade of her tanto. He gave the weapon back to her._

_"The blood of our ancestors seals your weapon with sacrifice, duty and honour" He took a hitai-ate from the table next to him "I give you your hitai-ate." She accepted it and tied it around her forehead. "I pronounce you, Kyura Gohama, a Bukigakure no Sato shinobi._

_"If death comes, may it be in honour of the Arms."_

* * *

The first time Gohama killed another human being she was seven years old. Her three month old team, Nomura Katsuo was her sensei, and her genin teammates were her best friend, Minake Haku, and her cousin, Kyura Hiashi. They were running through the forests of the Land of Snow after a simple C-rank escort mission. They were speeding from cedar branch through cedar branch, snowy field through snowy field, eager to return to the warmth of their home.

Three explosions surrounded them and blocked their view with think dust. Five chakra signatures popped into her and Hiashi's sensorial field. An ambush from a missing nin group.

She hadn't thought of the meaning of what she was doing when she threw a deadly kunai towards one of the men creeping up on them. She just threw it because that was what she had been trained, conditioned to do. To kill not to think. It slowed him enough for her to shove her tanto into his chest before he could throw a kunai back at her. With a frenzied war cry, she plunged her weapon into too soft, too slice-able flesh.

He let out a gurgling grunt and gripped her arms, still extending into his chest. Gohama started at the violent, desperate touch and with wide eyes, almost as wide as his frantic brown ones, twisted her hilt. Shattering of bone and ripping flesh met her ears and, with one final disbelieving frown, one final hateful glare and one final terrified whimper, the man was limp against her arms.

A gush of red, impossibly red, and wet and warm blood continued to flow out of his chest. And then she remembered her genin ceremony. And with the weight of the limp body and the fading of stagnant chakra, she understood why Father's eyes had been red and hazy when she had offered and accepted her weapon, her warrior duty.

Not every snowdrop on a grassy field could cleanse her from the darkness seeded in her on that day, growing and looming.

Where was the honour on the pool of red blood soaking into the white forest ground? Where was the honour on the five cooling chakra-less dead men, their skin as pale as the winter snow?

Death would always come. And Gohama waited for the honour with trembling, too small hands and wet, too big eyes.


	21. III - Chapter 1

Part III | Chapter 1

* * *

A graceful hand dropped to the wooden bench, settling between her naked thigh and his fabric covered one. Her knee kept brushing his knee and the fingers supported on the bench became bolder, the knuckles stroking the fabric of his pants from time to time. Gohama took her scotch to her lips, the glass forgotten against them after she sipped. The hand trailed with resolve onto his leg, the fingers pressing seductively too his inner thigh, fondling a few times and then letting them rest there. Hansuke gave her a charming smirk as response, which only encouraged the hand to move higher up. He left his glass on the table and, with that hand, traced the length of her bare shoulders with small circles and twirls, until his arm was draped around her, pulling her closer to his side.

Gohama could see a few knowing smiles at the couple coming from the jonin in the corner table. Genma was too busy with his own woman, but Kotetsu and Asuma were rather amused watching them. Kurenai had to give each one a kick under the table so they would leave them alone.

Hansuke's mouth neared her ear, the line of his jaw perfectly visible to Gohama, as it slipped onto his corded, lean neck. She had always liked his jaw. Especially after a couple of months of kenjutsu training with him, when she ended splayed on the ground and him hovering over her. The bottom view perfect for appreciating the v-shaped bone and the movement of his adam's apple as he corrected her mistakes. Now, she had a side view as he whispered into her ear, his fingertips trailing paths on her naked thigh, her own hand sliding inconveniently higher on his thigh.

"Gohama? Did you hear what I said?"

She snapped her head back to her company and put her glass back on the table. "Hm, sorry, what did you say?"

Blue eyes tried to follow the path hers had deviated from, but found nothing to settle on. Then they turned back to her with a smile. "I was asking what you are doing this weekend."

Oh no. He had finally gotten the courage to go straight to business. Gohama had gone for drinks with Kisamaru's and Nikato's friend group for a few times now. They were mostly the same people that had been on that dinner in Yakiniku Q, except for the blonde, who had been invited back then with the sole purpose of Nikato trying his luck, which had worked for a couple of weeks. The guys were nice, but Ryu had been trying his own luck with her and it was mostly annoying. He was pretty, too pretty for her, and charming. Only it was that type of cocky charm that didn't charm her. His eyes were stunning, a clear blue framed by thick lashes. Still, not enough to pull her in besides a detached appreciation of beauty. And now, he was finally asking her out and she didn't want to. He was trying too hard to please her and that made him boring. He always agreed with her and laughed at her dry jokes, there was no challenge and no warmth. It was flat.

"A mission probably."

At least, he wasn't dense. He quickly took the hint on her lack of enthusiasm and changed the subject to his own training. Gohama turned her eyes back to Hansuke and the woman he was clearly trying to go home with. She was basically sitting on his lap, now. Didn't Hansuke have any decency? They were all touchy with each other in front of everyone. It was obvious both were interested, why didn't they just leave? It was annoying her, very deeply, indeed.

She turned to Kisamaru, who had probably already noticed her looking. He kept quiet and attentive to everything, which was also annoying. She could always feel his scrutinizing gaze on her, on everything. Byakugan brat.

"Who's that woman with Hansuke there?" she forced her casual, indifferent tone.

"I think she works in Archives at the Jonin Headquarters."

"Hm. They're together or is it just a fling?"

Kisamaru assessed the fondling couple and turned back to his glass of sake with a blush on his cheeks. "Probably a fling. I've never seen Hansuke-sensei with anyone and he has a reputation."

A reputation. Gohama had never seen him leave a bar with a woman and had never heard of it, not even from his usual group of friends at the corner table of Ippon. Maybe in the women's gossip ring it would circle around, but she never did make any connection with any woman. She kept only to her team, who were all boys, and the people who sat at the corner table, who were mostly men, except for Kurenai and Anko. Still, she didn't get along with them enough for gossip.

Maybe she was losing something by being out of the women's circle. Was it weird to only get along with guys? Back at the Arms, she had had no trouble being friends with girls, one of her best friends had been a girl, but she always did prefer to play and train with boys. Maybe Gohama had always neglected her feminine side. She hadn't enjoyed dressing up as a kid because that usually was reserved for boring diplomacy dinners. At sixteen, she enjoyed putting on heels and a pretty dress, but that was also reserved for missions. There was little need to wear fancy, feminine clothes with her social life, or lack of it, in Konoha.

"Do you think it's weird I only get along with guys?" she asked Kisamaru while playing with her glass on the wooden table.

He kept silent for a moment and let out a pondering hum. "I'd never thought about that before. But now that you mention it, I think it's mostly due to the circumstances. If there was a girl in our team, I'm certain you both would get along well." he turned to her with a reassuring smile.

Except it didn't reassure her much. Gohama wouldn't change her ways just to have more girl friends, but there was still the feeling she was missing out on something, something important and natural. Well, now that she thought better, there was nothing to worry about. She was missing so many things considered natural, one more thing wouldn't matter anyway. With that thought, she downed her glass of scotch and asked for another one.

The movement of two chakra signatures, one of them very familiar, made her focus back on the corner table. There was now need to look, she knew well enough where they would be going and so they did, out of Ippon's door. She had thought watching the two publically fondling themselves had made her uncomfortable and, because of that, irked. However, a bitter clench of her guts, as they left together, too close together, had outdid every part of her previous irritation. She had been wrong, them leaving hadn't helped her at all. The loud chatter of the bar muffled the sound of a closing door.

"Yeah!" Nikato yelled with a clumsy fist bump to the air "Hansuke-sensei just got lucky!" Gohama physically winced "Good to know he finally broke his dry spell."

So, Nikato also knew about Hansuke's reputation.

"Kato-kun." she called "It's rather disturbing that you know of your sensei's sex life. And he knows of yours." she added the final comment with a provoking smirk.

Nikato, however, was too drunk to take her bait, unfortunately for Gohama. "Everyone knows." he slurred and looked at the people around their table for confirmation, which they gave promptly "A few years ago Hansuke-sensei was like Genma, maybe more discreet, still everyone knew. Even as genin we knew. It's Konoha, everyone knows everything about anyone's sex life, we're ninja and we live for duty and gossip."

The amber liquid swirled inside her glass. She raised it carelessly, with her elbow propped on the table and her wrist twirling the glass. "Then let's drink to a broken dry spell."

They all downed their drinks. Gohama was ready to hear the challenge burst out of Nikato's mouth, as he filled her glass with sake. "Come on, Gohama. I'll beat ya tonight."

He certainly wouldn't, considering the splotches of red around his cheeks and the slur of his words, still, she wouldn't back out from a challenge. Certainly enough, she ended up dismissing Kisamaru home at the door of Ippon and carrying Nikato home.

The cold night air would help her sober up, along with the physical effort of sustaining the weight of a seventeen-year-old muscular ninja. His feet either stumbled every few steps or dragged through the dirt of the unpaved streets. The civilian district was still a few blocks away from the main night area of Konoha.

For the most part, he was silent, but then he started mumbling as they neared his house. "I'm glad… yo...you're on'our team."

Then he went into a rather sweet rant about her doings in the team, from helping him pick up a girl or beating sense into him or accepting his drinking challenges, he liked when she accepted any type of challenge. She was nice in her own weird, slightly rude way. Then, the speech took a darker turn. He became emotional when he explained how relieved he had been when they found she was okay. (The whole team had chosen to pretend her kidnapping hadn't happened, much to Gohama's relief. Constant pestering about her well-being was tiring.) How he didn't want her to die too. Then, he made her promise she wouldn't die. And she promised. He told her she could talk to him, if she needed to. He was there, if she needed him. Gohama thanked him silently in her heart.

"I ho-hope you'r 'kay… Ya never told us wha' hap...happened. Wha' they… I h-hope you're okay, 'hama."

"I'm okay." she reassured him with a smile, even if he couldn't see it.

She had had some heavy nightmares that had scared her deeply, mostly because her chakra could turn uncontrollable during her sleep. She was used to nightmares, so that hadn't bothered her more than usual. The worst part had been her fidgetiness. Every sound, every movement, every change in the chakra signatures around her made her jolt to attention and summon a kunai. One time, after her morning sword training with Hansuke, they had been resting by a tree. Her eyes closed against the frail warmth of the sun, almost drifting into that state between being awake and asleep. When he had moved slightly beside her. His knee had brushed against her thigh and, instinctively, in an instant, a kunai was in her hand and pressed against his throat. She quickly retreated when realisation dawned on her and turned away from him, shame painting her cheeks red. Hansuke, as always, had been understanding and hadn't pushed her too much, only saying the same as Nikato was slurring now. If she needed, he would be there.

After a couple of months from her torture, her fidgeting had eased and her nightmares about that were almost gone. It was part of a shinobi life to push through. She was okay.

When they reached his home, she jumped onto his bedroom window with Nikato in toll. His parents were civilians and it was easy to leave them oblivious to any of his drunken arrivals. She took off his shoes and his jacket and laid him on his bed, careful to tuck him just how he liked. He had a weird habit of asking her to tuck him in during missions, to both irk her and his own comfort. She only did when feeling particularly indulgent. A few times Hansuke had cast a henge as her and done the job. Nikato's sigh of delight had quickly turned into a yell of horror when Hansuke dispelled the jutsu. It had been followed by their laughter and a series of accusations against their team leader's perversion. Soon after, the requests had become sporadic.

On her way back to her apartment, she glanced over her shoulder to the street that led to Hansuke's home. She hoped he wouldn't forget about their training tomorrow morning.

* * *

Training ground nine, at nine in the morning, and Hansuke still hadn't arrived. Gohama had flopped down under the shadow of a tree, trying to ease her headache with the twirling pressure of fingers on her temples. Had she really been that drunk for this much of a hangover headache? Maybe it was because of the sake she had drunk. The mornings after were always worse than with whiskey.

Hansuke was an hour late, which probably meant he had forgotten. His own teammate forgotten over some one-night-stand. She could pull him out of his bed, but there was always the possibility she would see something permanently blinding. The nerve on that man. She remembered quite a few months ago how he had said he didn't have any lady friends. Why would he lie to her about his reputation? It was not as if she wanted anything with him back then. As she still didn't want now. Gohama could admit she was attracted to him, but there was a great leap between that and wanting something. Whatever that something could be.

These stupid, deceiving, highly productive sword trainings. She actually groaned at them. Gohama thought she had sensed a mutual pull, an exciting tension between them as their blades clashed together and they twisted around each other. She thought she had seen affection, chest-filling affection, in his smiles and eyes. Those beautiful, hazel eyes, with full eyelashes drawing her in into that mix of dark green and light brown. Those sensual and challenging smirks, or kind and devoted smiles.

Another load groan. She sounded like a teenager with a crush. It was just typical appreciation of a fine male specimen. Her heart was so empty with grief and pain. Her resolve overflowing with duty. There was no space for anyone for her to carry inside. Her whole Village was fulling enough, sometimes too much. Gohama felt herself drown, she had always felt herself drown, with the weight of the Arms, of the Clan, of her family, shoving every crevice of her being. It was her burden and she accepted it with purpose and care. Her Bukigakure was dead, but the bursting of devotion and love didn't die with it, could never die with it. She traced the lines carved on her hitai-ate. She was an Arms kunoichi above all. Her life belonged to the abandoned stone streets, the amalgam of blue roof tile, the wide cedar forests, the mountains and the rivers and snow and all her dead countrymen that lived now through her. In her memory, in her devotion, in her duty.

Gohama raised herself up, brushing the soil and grass from her bottom and picking her Kyura cloak that had served as a pillow. The spring weather in Konoha was warm, but airy. She would go to Hansuke's house, they had agreed to train every Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday mornings. She would drag his hangover ass to that training field.

As she turned on his street, limited by white stonewalls on both sides with entrance gates in between them, Gohama could already sense the woman's chakra signature in his house. So, she had stayed the night. She brushed the dust and dirt out of her sandals in his entrance mat before taking them off, flared her chakra so he would know she was there, in case the couple was in a compromising position, and entered his home as she always did – a b-line towards his kitchen. The presences were in the bedroom, with a reasonable distance from each other, meaning they were only sleeping. The coffee pot was empty and she set out to prepare some for him, without any care for the clatter of tableware and pounds of closing cabinets.

Soon enough, his steady signature rose from the bed and moved to the bathroom. She watched him sneakily slid through an inch opened door.

"You do know I can sense the person in your bed, there's no need to hide her." she commented while leaning her back on the counter with crossed arms.

"What are you doing here?" he whispered while cradling his head.

That irked her. He truly had forgotten, and wasn't just too hangover to wake up.

"What am I doing here, Hansuke?" she hissed "We have training!"

His eyebrows shot up and he grimaced slightly. "Yeah… I…" he moved to the pot of coffee and filled an entire cup with it. "Gohama, I'm sorry…" he said not looking at her "I forgot."

"I can't believe you ditched me for some woman you already fucked last night."

"I didn't ditch you, I forgot." he justified more firmly "And I'm really hangover so please keep your voice down."

"We've been doing this for two months, how could you possibly forget?"

"I imagine alcohol had a big part on that." he said with a shrug and a sip of his coffee.

She scuffed bitterly. "We still have training. So drink that already and go put on your clothes."

He put his cup on the counter harshly and glared at her with a pointing finger. "I'm your team leader." he reminded her with his angry sensei tone "You don't get to order me around much less with that disrespectful tone of yours."

"Then maybe you should be a _fucking_ team leader and train me like you promised me to."

"I have a hangover and it's one day, Gohama, one fucking day!"

She shoved his chest with two fists. "I gave up on being an ANBU captain for you!" she accused with another shove and he caught her wrists roughly.

"Oh no, you're not playing that card on me." he pressed her against the counter, using his weight and height to hover her. "It was your choice, Gohama!"

"Don't touch me!" she growled, twisting and pushing him away, but he was still stronger than her without her chakra.

"Just because you're the last Kyura that doesn't mean you have the right to be spoiled." he growled back at her "I already spoil you plenty."

The tough grip on her wrists and the lock he had with his weight was disturbing her. Her heart had sped away from her chest and it was becoming harder to breathe. Gohama knew Hansuke wouldn't hurt, but she was freaking out.

"Get off me, please, get off me, Hansuke."

He was too focused on reproaching her to realise she couldn't stop shivering. "You're not going to run, you'll hear what I have to say. Do you think I would do this with Nikato and Kisamaru? No, I wouldn't. I only do this for you, Gohama, and you still have the nerve to force me, your team leader, to tr—"

"Get off!" he kept trying to speak above her demands. The cold tile of the counter felt like the smooth metal of a chair, his hands over her wrists the chakra shackles containing her in. She clenched her eyes shut, forced her mind to blank out his voice, forced her lungs to take in the air they couldn't hold in.

"Why can't you value, even recognise, what I do for you! Huh, Gohama?" he shook her "Look at me!" he moved his hands from her wrists to her head, forcing her to look up at him. "Why can't you see that I—"

"Don't touch me!"

In her mind, the fingers holding her hair and head were too smooth to be from a true shinobi. In her mind, the remains of a wave of burning, tearing, cutting and crushing pain spread from her temples through every cell of her body. But this time she had chakra. And this time she let it flow from her core through her pathways and burst out of her from her pressure points. The body caging her in disappeared and with it the pain. She slid down onto the floor, the relief not easing her tremors. She held her hands in front of her, trying to control the shivering, but behind them was Hansuke, looking back at her in fear. Any relief was slaughtered by raging horror and guilt. Every muscle in her was shaking.

"What the fuck is going on?"

Both of them looked at the forgotten woman dressed only in an oversized shirt. Gohama couldn't talk, she was still trying to make her lungs work back again.

"Get out." Hansuke demanded, while trying to get up. The woman just kept staring at them in confusion "I said get out!" he shouted with all the threat of an ex-ANBU.

The woman jolted in fear and scurried away to the bedroom. Hansuke started crawling towards Gohama, from where he was leaning on the opposite counter. Dread began boiling in her guts, she really had hurt him this time.

"Don't…" she said thorough a dry sob "Stay away from me…"

His expression was miserable, she hated it.

"I won't hurt you, I promise, Gohama." he told her calmly. He didn't understand.

"But I will…" she buried her face on her crossed arms over her knees "Oh fuck… what did I do…"

Her body was still freaking out, but she couldn't control it. She tried, she forced it to be rational, but her shudders wouldn't stop and her erratic breathing wasn't enough to fill her lungs.

"Gohama." he called gently. It broke her even more "Can I touch you? I won't hurt you, I promise."

"I know. But I-I…"

"You won't hurt me, either. I know."

Hansuke leaned against the counter beside her and pulled her into his lap carefully. He cradled her head against her chest, one hand stroking her hair while the one circled around her shoulders, traced feather-light circles with his calloused fingers on her cheek. His steady chakra pressing against her flesh, smoothing her shivers. Why didn't his touch freak her out now?

"It's okay. We're okay. Just breathe. Breathe."

"I hurt you."

"No, you didn't. I was the one that—I was violent with you. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Gohama. You should have pushed me away with your chakra sooner."

She pressed her hand against his chest and let her medical chakra flow into him. "I can see you have a broken rib. You didn't break anything in me."

"But I did…" he said guiltily, with a bitter disgust he continued "I made you think I was the ones that tortu—hurt you. I should have seen it sooner, but I was furious and… I'm sorry." before she could argue, he hummed against her hair "Shh, it's okay."

Hansuke had always known how to calm her down. Her breathing was still fast and shallow, cut by a few dry sobs, her heart was mimicking his own, steady and calm against her ear and her shivers only remained in her hands, holding onto the hard muscles of his chest. Only then did she notice he was shirtless, his skin warm and soft. She absently traced his scars and twirled the hairs of his chest.

"You can talk to me." he started "I want to you to talk to me."

He had a deep, but small scar on his right pectoral. The skin was ragged and poorly healed, she wondered how he had done it and if the wound had been as deadly as the memento seemed. She soothed it down with her fingers.

"The first were common nin thugs. They only beat me and I managed to kill two of them, because they were sloppy. There was a medic nin making sure I wouldn't die, but he never did bother healing any of my injuries. Then, the guy you first killed showed up. He seemed almost empty inside, a machine. His fingers were smooth like a civilian. I think he had only learned that genjutsu." she gave a bitter chuckle "The fact that it was genjustu only made it worse." she settled her fingers gently on his temples "He probably messed with my pain receptors through his touch on my temples. Then he drowned me to make sure my survival instinct wouldn't fade."

"That scream you… I still have nightmares about it."

"That level only happened when you got there. He even had to ask the medic permission."

"Did any of them touch you… were you…?" there was fear now in his eyes.

"No, they didn't." she reassured him.

Gohama kept her hands on his temples, massing them with pressing circles. He was still suffering from a raging hangover and being thrown into a kitchen counter with chakra couldn't help. Hansuke did look miserable, with a tired and droopy expression and dark circles under his eyes.

He closed his eyes and sighed. "That's nice…"

She watched his strained look soften slightly. Her chest pinched, when she thought of the things he had said that she had managed to catch. Her hands slid down to cup his face. He had the beginnings of stubble and she rubbed the back of her fingers through it. The coarse feeling had always delighted her. Absently, she wondered what it would be like to kiss a man with stubble, to kiss those, now dry, lips of his.

"Hansuke."

When he looked down on her, his eyes were so tender her guts twisted.

"I do value what you do for me. You're… You're like a rock in my fucked up life. I'm sorry for all the things I put you through."

He smiled adoringly at her. "I'm not." he pressed his lips to her forehead, and laid his cheek on the crown of her head "What I do is because I want to."

Gohama continued to trace his scars as they sat comfortably, at least for her, in each other's arms. Her fingers landed on a ragged, deep one marked into the skin of his bicep. The place where she knew his ANBU tattoo was. She had never seen it, Hansuke's shirts had always covered it. Now, that she thought about it, probably on purpose. Either to hide the red swirl or the scar that slashed his ANBU tattoo in two.

He must have felt her frown. "I was young and lost and it was on an impulse when I got out. Don't worry about it."

But she did worry. The mission that had made him leave must have really fucked him up.

* * *

"…now we're mostly training dodging. Shisho says that as a medic nin it's essential to know how to evade attacks so we don't end up dead. A dead medic is a dead team."

"Hm."

Kakashi would hum in agreement to Sakura's descriptions of her training with Tsunade. He had been away for a month on a long-term mission and, just as he was leaving the Hokage Tower, he ran into his former student. It was lunchtime, and he was rather hungry, so he asked if she wanted to come with him to Ichiraku, for old time's sake. Now, he had someone to ditch his tab with. He was still interested in hearing about Sakura's progress. She sounded genuinely passionate about her apprenticeship under Tsunade. It was good to know she had found her path as a kunoichi independent of pleasing Sasuke.

The canvas of Ichiraku was already in sight, with its big and bright red characters. His stomach growled at the delicious smell. Unconsciously, he started pacing faster, which forced Sakura to speed up in order to keep up with him. His eyes caught the sage green of a cloak with the crest of a white wolf embroidered in it. That was interesting. In the Jonin common room, the only chatter that morning was about how Gohama and Hansuke had tried to kill each other. The wages on the reasons varied between a lovers' dispute and hateful vengeance. Lunch would be fun.

"Sensei." Kakashi turned back around with an eyebrow raised. "Can we go somewhere else?"

That was weird, Sakura had been excited about eating their memory packed ramen. "And why, may I ask?"

"I… I'm…" her cheeks blushed into the same pink as her hair and she looked down at her feet "Kyura Gohama is there and I don't feel comfortable around her."

He couldn't let Gohama disappear before milking her embarrassment over whatever fight she had had with Hansuke. It was always so difficult to make her embarrassed.

"Are you scared of her?" he asked with amusement.

"No… it's just… Well, today Ino told me there were rumours going around about her trying to kill her team captain. And I… I don't know… she kind of reminds me of—"

So, the gossip had already reached the rookie 9 generation. That made him even more curious.

"I'm really craving some ramen." he gave her an eye-crinkle "Don't worry I'll protect you, Sakura."

They made their way through the canvas of Ichiraku, a grinning Teuchi and Ayame welcomed them. He was careful to casually leave a stool between him and Gohama, while Sakura sat to his left. His uncovered eye perfectly positioned to study her reactions. She had a half eaten bowl of ramen and a bottle of sake in front of her.

"Ah, Gohama," he greeted while sitting down "fancy finding you here."

"Did you miss annoying me while you were away?" her tone was dragged and quiet.

That wasn't good. He had dismissed the gravity of the rumours too quickly. Maybe embarrassing her wasn't a wise option.

"You know me so well." he mocked with feigned appreciation.

Her chopsticks lazily twirled around the noodles, her chin propped on her palm. She never did answer him back. He was at a loss for keeping up a conversation without making things worse.

"How are your missions going?"

"Great. Tsunade is giving us a lot of A-ranks now. Our captain" that nomination wasn't a good sign "is going to recommend us for the Jonin Exams selection." before he could hum in response she tilted her head towards them "Are you going to apply for the Chunin Exams this year, Sakura?"

The girl on his left choked on her noodles. After a few awkward coughs and the growth of a full face blush, she finally spoke. "You remember my name."

"The hair helps. And my teammates told me you helped them a couple of months back, so thanks for that."

Sakura tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "You're welcome. Kisamaru-sempai has been helping me with chakra pathways' healing." she shared with a small smile "Sempai actually told me about this time you completely tattered yours on a mission saving his butt. After that, he focussed on learning how to heal them and, now, is passing that on to other medics."

"Yes, he told me a few weeks ago he's helping with a new study on pathways' healing and recuperation rate in patients."

Sakura's eyes lit up. "Shizune-san decided it was worth it when he brought her his findings. Now, it's clear overexertion of chakra usually means injured pathways. As a Hyuga, Sempai is perfect for that."

If Kakashi hadn't heard Sakura complain earlier, he would have thought the two of them got along well. Despite what the gossip mill spread, Gohama could be pleasant if someone actually got to talk to her. It was sad that simply being an outsider from a powerful clan mixed with her distant air would affect someone's reputation so deeply.

"Maybe that will help you, Sensei," Sakura nudged him with an elbow "when you end up completely depleted and a dead lump in a bed."

The comment seemed to bring a sparkle of amusement to Gohama's tired eyes. She pulled her chin away from her palm and turned around to fully face him with a teasing smirk. "Don't tell me the great Copy nin has a genin level stamina."

"Maa, Gohama, if I didn't, missions would be too easy."

"Well, if you get bored of easiness, I'm more than happy to beat your ass."

"You do seem to enjoy beating jonin asses a lot." he joked.

Green eyes narrowed on him. He could feel her trying to decipher what he had meant. Her face became blank and she twirled on her stool to turn back to her ramen, that was probably cold by now. Kakashi slurped his in an instant and stared at his empty bowl.

"You never did answer my question, Sakura."

"Yes, I am taking the exams. Tsunade-shisho says I'm ready."

"If you can put up with Kakashi as your sensei and Tsunade as your shisho, I'm sure you can handle anything."

It was a generic Gohama answer, but her teasing tone was faltering. Kakashi was regretting making that comment just to gauge her reaction.

"Joke all you want, Gohama, but I do seem to remember you asking to put up with my sensei skills." his hand was brushing his chin in exaggerated wonder.

"What?" Sakura asked "Then, why—"

"He rejected me."

Sakura scoffed. "I very much doubt that. You're totally Kakashi-sensei's student type."

"And what is my type, Sakura?" he asked lightly, but still slightly offended by her comment.

"Troubled genius."

Gohama chuckled dryly and threw a few coins onto Ichiraku's counter while getting up. She stopped, one hand parting the canvas to leave. "Not anymore. Sasuke traumatised poor old Kakashi-sensei."

Kakashi gave a long pained sigh. That Gohama… saying shit like that in front of his former student, with that condescending tone. He almost couldn't admit that to himself, much less to Sakura. She really was taking vengeance on that comment of his.

"Sorry, Sakura, have to feed the dogs. See you around."

He gave her a careless wave and moved after Gohama, before his student could stop him. At least, he had managed to lunch for free. She was taking heavy and fast steps down the street, a cloud of dust rising up at her ankles. He quickly caught up to her.

"I don't care." she started right away, her eyes fixed on the road ahead "You deserved the comment."

"What happened between you two?" he didn't need to explain anything else.

"I hit him with a chakra burst."

He almost rolled his eyes at the rumours over imagination and Gohama's overreaction. He knew Hansuke wasn't dead nor in the hospital.

"Everyone gets carried away during spars."

She laughed. It made a shiver run down his back. He was familiar with Gohama's dry chuckles, but this one was disturbing. It creeped through his skin with bitterness, the vibrations full of venom and disgust.

"Did he hurt you?"

She stopped and he almost ran into her, which she took advantage of by shoving him away. "What the fuck is wrong with you? How can you ask that about him?"

Oh, she was mad. And rightly so, Kakashi felt ashamed for considering that about Hansuke. Then there was only one more reason. He hadn't seen Gohama in some time, but the last time he had sensed how jumpy she was.

"So you're down with the shinobi common cold."

That's how it was known. The name almost taboo. Every ninja had suffered from PTSD episodes at least once in their lives. It was never discussed and never admitted. There were help programs in the hospital, but few shinobi sought them and always in secret. Because of some irrational code of shame, psychological instability was considered weak. Nowadays, especially with Tsunade as Hokage, the programs were gaining funds and recognition, still, the stigma was deep and looming.

He had often wondered that, had Sasuke received medical assistance after the Uchiha massacre, maybe he would have stayed in the Village. Maybe live a full shinobi life, retire and live long enough to see his grandchildren grow, teach his kids how to use the sharingan. Had he fallen too far to ever reach that? Kakashi felt a deep resentment towards him, after abandoning his teammates and friends, betraying Konoha. However, he knew the kid was innocent in some ways. Watching his clan die, slaughtered by his brother, would always fuck someone up.

Kakashi was fucked up, but at least he deserved it. Sasuke didn't, neither the girl standing lost in front of him. No matter how much she obsessed about duty, no matter how much she fought for the path sealed into her, Gohama was lost. He could smell it and it made him sick.

An overwhelming need of protecting her boiled inside of him, soon, followed by a smothering helplessness. She was a kunoichi and he was just himself. There was a long and heavy list of failures inked into his heart and her name was already written there. With every heartbeat, he felt it spread through his body from his veins.

He had to look away from her oh so Kyura eyes. And so he watched a cat hop around some orange roof tile as he laid a hand on her shoulder.

"It'll be alright." he spit, as if the lie burned his tongue. The same lie he had promised to Sakura. The same lie he would promise Gohama, because, even if he couldn't find hope for himself, there always seemed to be hope for the ones he cared about. And with that burning realisation, he squeezed Gohama's shoulder. "I promise."

Then, he walked away from her, too coward to witness the disbelief she must have had in her porcelain white face. Gohama wasn't Sakura, she had suffered too much of life's cruelty to be naïve.

If he couldn't not hope for Gohama, it meant he cared about her. It was no longer just a promise to a friend, or guilt. A dirty, stained care. Kakashi lifted his eyes to the cloudy sky, the scent of lemon vanishing through the one of rain. Maybe the rain would wash away his filthiness, maybe it could make the blood forever melted in his hands fade. It wouldn't, but he liked rain all the same.


	22. III - Chapter 2

Part III | Chapter 2

* * *

The team had arrived yesterday from a gruesome mission. A common B-rank had turned quickly into A. The intelligence about the missing nin group they were to dismantle had been wrong. Supposedly, only five genin and three chunin, the group was much larger with jonin as well. It started with Nikato and Hansuke infiltrating the compound and on the day for the dismantle letting the two identifiable ones, the Hyuga and Kyura, in. Only inside had the two realised how skilled the crime syndicate was, with three A-rank nin, five B-rank and two C-rank. They had only survived because of Kisamaru's brilliant healing skills.

Luckily, they were out of the hospital in a few hours and could enjoy what they always did together after a close call, getting stupidly drunk and end up as a pile of dead bodies in Hansuke's living room. But no. It was festival time, so Hansuke decided they would post-pone the heavy drinking for another day and would enjoy the stands, maybe do some light drinking.

Gohama was now on the grassy ground of a faraway training field, enjoying the sun and the fresh water of the stream against her hand. It would be a warm night certainly. The spring weather was being surprisingly balanced, without the wavering between wind, rain and sun. Today was a beautiful day. This training ground was rarely used and poorly maintain. The grass was dangerously tall for training and wild flowers had started to cover the ground in shades of white, blue and yellow. Gohama had discovered it a month ago while wandering around the fields surrounding the Village. Since then, she had come here to rest and train at least twice a week. Now, she let her mind and heart rest after the strain of fear and survival from their last mission.

She was laying on her back at the stream bank, one arm spread to her side, while its hand splashed softly on the flowing water. The other fingers thrummed obliviously over the uncovered skin of her belly. She had pulled her shirt up so that the warmth of the sun would soak into her skin. From time to time, the grass swayed gently and tingled her skin. It was relieving to be able to feel well just by resting under the sun. It had been some time now.

In her mind, she regarded a catalogue of her kimono and which one she would wear tomorrow. She was excited about wearing traditional clothes and experiencing the ambient of festival time again. For the other two that had happened while already in the Leaf, Gohama had been on missions. She hadn't been to a festival since her childhood. What she remembered most was the colour. For her, festivals meant colour, with the kimonos, the stands, the food, the fireworks. And noise. But the happy, peaceful noise of joy and fun, of families chatting with little children screaming in excitement, of friends meeting after months apart, of laughs and footsteps and fireworks. Noise and colour that tasted of home, of life. Her heart ached terribly, but there was a small smile on her lips.

"You look like a cosy purring kitten."

"Hey." she greeted without opening her eyes.

He stood for a moment, looking down at her, and then lay next to her. Her flesh already imbibing his soothing chakra into her, even with the small space separating them.

"So, this is where you've been hiding." his words faded into the quiet of cicadas buzzing and birds chirping. She could feel him on his side, his hand brushing lightly against the fabric of her shirt as he plucked at the weeds between them. The weight of his gaze on her spread through her skin in tingles and pulled the corners of her mouth into a satisfied smile.

"You're already freckling." She could sense his hesitation when he traced the bridge of her nose, his fingers smelling of grass and his touch teasing flutters in her stomach. She hummed in comfort. He dropped his hand to her hair laying against the soil, playing with her tresses.

"I miss you."

Gohama finally tilted her head to look at him. She had missed him too. The soft and low murmur of his voice, the tenderness of his touch, the consuming hazel of his eyes when he truly looked at her.

"We see each other almost every day."

"But you're not really there, Gohama." his pained eyes breaking into her "It's been a month… Are you still scared of me?" he whispered.

"I was never scared of you, you silly man. I just needed time to get better."

"I could have helped you."

"It was not your job to fix me and it still isn't." she pressed her hand to his cheek and he closed his eyes "I'm good now."

"Can we start over with the kenjutsu training, then?"

"I think I should focus on training with the boys for the exams." she moved her hand to play with the hairs at the back of his head. He almost purred. "Who's the purring kitten now?"

"More like a leopard." He childishly pouted and she couldn't help but giggle.

"A leopard?" she asked with a mocking tone "Maybe, with this light brown almost golden hair and those bright hazel eyes. A cute little leopard."

He pinched her side. "Dolly."

She gasped in outrage and pinched him back. "Suke-chan."

They started a tickle and pinching battle, which made her laugh as she hadn't laughed in a long time. Her weight light and mirthful, her chest warm and fluttery. And she loved his laugh too. He grabbed her hands and locked her under him, the remains of his laughter rumbling through her skin. She watched his eyes crease, his dense lashes highlighting their flicker. His lips spread wide in a toothy grin, as he chuckled softly. The sound of his pants from their struggle mixed with his laugh made her stomach twist. She had missed him.

When he saw she wasn't fighting him anymore, he released her hands and they fell down to her side, fingers grasping the grass and fighting this itch to touch him. This deep and thrilling urge that only grew with the change in his gaze. Only then did she realise how close they were, how warm his weight was over her hips. She wanted to dive in, drown in his touch and her touch. She let her hands slid from his waist through his chest onto his face. Her fingers swirled the fine hair at his nape, her thumbs caressing his cheeks. His lips, she had to trace them and she did, they were slightly chapped but soft and warm.

He squirmed lightly against her and she gasped in surprise, eyes wide. She felt him against her belly, hot and new. Heat flooded through her, tingles burning down, until they settled between her thighs. And the craving that burst through her veins was too intense, too overwhelming. It scared her. He didn't notice her reaction, his dark gaze focussed on her lips.

And then she threw him into the stream. There was a little yelp cut off by the splash of water. He came up looking like a wet cat, trying to understand why she had done that. Her cheeks flared in embarrassment.

"Sorry." she offered with a sheepish wince.

He smirked teasingly at her. "I was feeling rather hot. And by how your cheeks are burning, maybe I should make you wet too."

She groaned and covered her face with an arm. "Oh, shut up, Hansuke, you sound like an unfunny pervert."

"Yes, but making you embarrassed is worth it."

Gohama stood up, threw him a sloppy wave over her shoulder, and left towards the Village. He caught up to her easily, the sound of wet cloth and squeaking shoes following her along the way. He tried to hug her a few times, just to keep warm, not to soak her with freezing water.

* * *

The four of them were laying on the floor, panting and groaning, after a cruel training session. Gohama pulled up the hem of her shirt and used it as a towel to wipe the sweat off her face. The day seemed mercilessly hot now, her neck was burning and her dark hair, soaking up the heat from the sun, didn't help. She held it close to her nape and flung it to fan away from her neck and shoulders.

"Wow." Nikato breathed next to her "That was cool. Kisamaru, do that too." he joked.

Hyuga merely sat up and glared at him. Still, he undid his braid and flung his hair back with all the grace of a feline shaking its fur. Then, he pointed a cocky glance at a gaping Nikato. None actually thought he would do it.

"That was sexy, Kisa-kun." Gohama told him and with a feigned pout added "I'm actually jealous you have better hair than I do."

He blushed at her bold, slightly inappropriate comment. "Who needs healing?"

The three of them, still sprawled on the ground, groaned in a "yes". He started with her. Kneeling down next to her middle, he let his hands hover her chest with green chakra.

He whispered sheepishly. "Did you truly think that was… sexy" he cringed at the word "or were you mocking me?"

That was cute.

"Trying to impress a girl at the festival? Maybe a boy?" she wiggled her eyebrows at him and he turned red. He closed himself in his concentration while healing her "I'm just messing with you, Kisa-kun." Gohama had never seen him with his braid undone. His hair was healthy and lustrous, falling with a sleek flow below his shoulder blades. It framed his soft features attractively. "And it was true. You should wear your hair loose more often, like tonight, at the festival."

The chakra stream to his hands vanished and he looked back up at her with a timid smile that creased at the corners of his big lavender eyes. She thanked him for healing her. As he moved onto Nikato, a blush still painting his cheeks, she wondered if it had been wrong of her to tease him. Most times he took it well, but it was obvious he had felt vulnerable asking her that. Gohama didn't want him to shun away from her when he talked more seriously. He wasn't like Nikato, who spilled his heart with simplicity and ease. Kisamaru closed himself in his poise and propriety. His being based in clan branches, decorum and a shinobi stoicism. The path of his life sealed into the skin of his forehead, never for him to choose where to walk. Gohama brought her hand to the dragon on her forearm. She understood that. To have a path sealed into her being from birth. People like them weren't born free, maybe no one was born free.

She hoped there truly was a pretty girl or boy he fancied. Even with all the troubles of sentimentality, a crush could always help lighten a shinobi's life.

Gods, she was in a pensive mood today.

"Hey." Hansuke called from beside her. She turned to look at him. "I hope you're not thinking of standing us up tonight, Gohama."

"I'm not. I said I'd go to the festival, so why would I?"

"Just making sure." he raised his hands in an act of surrender "You had that look just now."

"What look?"

"The I'm-thinking-deep-troubling-things-about-the-meaning-of-life-and-will-spend-my-night-sulking-about-them-on-my-windowsill-while-sipping-offensively-expensive-scotch look."

She twisted her body in the grass to kick his side, he easily grabbed her ankle and pulled her to him. In response, she pounded his chest hard with a fist.

"I don't have that look and you make me sound like a pretentious moron and I do not sulk."

"Of course you don't." he answered with an infuriating smile.

"Fuck off, Hansuke." she got up and he actually fidgeted at the sudden movement "You all better be wearing traditional clothes tonight."

In the distant, she heard Nikato complaining about Hansuke pissing her off.

* * *

A deep crimson kimono with beige flowers and traces of green on leaves and twigs was laying on her bed. She brushed her hand along the silky length of it, a deep sigh escaping her lips. Gohama had never put on a kimono by herself, in fact, this was the first time she was wearing one since her childhood. Back then, she had always Koroko-san's help, which consisted in her nanny doing the entire task for her. If she had a girl friend, she could have asked for her help. But no, now of all times, she had to be an antisocial tomboy. Gohama picked up the page from a magazine she had found earlier that afternoon. Wrap around the fabric, tug here and there, it seemed simple enough. Gohama put the kimono over her, the smooth fabric stroking her skin, and it felt amazingly familiar.

A wave of nostalgia crashed inside her chest as she finished tying her obi, though rather poorly, and looked at herself in the mirror. Her hair was up, adorned with a red comb. Her skills with hairdos were as lacking as with dressing up, but it seemed good enough. The slightly messy bundle suited her, not to austere and slick. Unfortunately, by the beginning of the evening, most of her tresses would have broken loose. At least, she could appreciate her appearance now. The deep red harmonised and contrasted with her milky skin and dark hair. She felt pretty and that felt wonderful, making a smile spread through her lips.

Gohama looked like Mother. She did and it only made her chest ache more and her eyes shine brighter. She hoped, if Mother could see her now, she would be proud of her little girl for finally wearing a kimono willingly and loving how womanly and pretty she felt in it. Even Koroko-san would be ecstatic for not having to chase her around or bribe her with food. If only it could be a festival in Buki, with her friends waiting for her by the Deiji bridge. Brother meeting with his own friends, he would have been old enough to wander around with them. Father warning her to be careful and not come home too late, worrying over her even though she could beat anyone's ass. Mother brushing his arm and telling him that she was young and it was her time to enjoy being with her friends. An entire reassuring and negotiating speech, all too similar to the ones Gai preached every day. Then she would leave with the promise to be careful. In the Deiji bridge, Isune-chan, Haku-kun and she would wait for Kuni-kun to arrive. She would intertwine her arm in Kuni-kun's and he would truly smile at her with those dark eyes of his, no more sadness behind them, only his typical humour. The group would wander together through the stands, ramped up on the main avenue, her home's main avenue. Her streets, her food, her people.

A familiar chakra signature ended her wistful scenario. It didn't warm her, the impossibility of it left her only empty. She shouldn't have made up such things. Especially not on this day, on this always so painful day. Hansuke was right. Gohama sulked. She sulked deep and hard.

Gohama leaned over her window. "What are you doing here?" she called down at Hansuke walking up to her building.

"Making sure you'd come." he shouted back.

"In case you can't see it, I'm rolling my eyes at you."

"Don't worry, Gohama, I can feel it."

"You're not even wearing traditional clothes, I told you to wear them."

"Sorry, Go-chan, but I didn't feel like fulfilling one of your perverted fantasies."

She groaned and slid her window closed, putting the locking seals back up. With one last look and turn at the mirror, she got out of the apartment, her movements slightly strained by the kimono. She wasn't used to being constricted by her own clothes.

When she opened the building door with a harsh push, Hansuke turned to her, the self-satisfied smile on his face quickly fading away. Now it was her time to smirk under his intense gaze.

"You look… nice…" a faint pink coloured his cheeks, he was cute when he blushed "well… not just nice, beautiful actually."

His eyes jumped up to hers to gauge her reaction at his comment. Her insides fluttered wonderfully, but she only gave him a smile.

"Thanks." she said while walking pass him.

But he was quick to add with a playful tone "In a kimono, you really do look like an Hakata doll."

Gohama sent him a glare from over her shoulder. "You look the same as always."

"And how is that?"

Handsome, sexy and charming all at the same time.

"Don't worry, Suke-chan, you're a very pretty man."

He just shrugged. "I'll take it."

They found their two teammates at the beginning of the stands. Nikato was dressed in civilian attire. His clothes a wrinkled mess, but at least he had colour matched his socks. Only Kisamaru had a dark grey yukata with lighter grey lines running the length of it. The traditional wear suited him perfectly. His hair was loose and the gentle breeze scattered it over his face, from time to time he moved it away awkwardly. It was obvious he wasn't used to having his hair flying around. A black sash of fabric replaced his hitai-ate and covered the seal on his forehead.

"Wow, Gohama, you look great." Nikato commented while eyeing her from top to bottom "You don't even look like you."

She swatted him for the insensitive, poorly constructed compliment. He yelped and rubbed his arm with a betrayed, slightly confused look. Hansuke had lean down and whisper an explanation to his ear.

"Well, you look very much like your sloppy self, Nikato," Gohama answered "but it's nice to see you finally learned how match your socks."

"It was my mum, actually." for an outsider it would sound like a joke, but their team knew perfectly well it was true.

"As for you, Kisamaru, you look very handsome." and she winked, which only made him blush.

Nikato started complaining how Gohama had only complemented Kisamaru because he was wearing a yukata as she had demanded, while they walked into the mess of people.

The noise involved her in a cosy, familiar giddiness, similar to the one she used to have as a child. The air had a warm yellow glow from the paper lanterns zigzagging above them. A flock of children ran past them, cheering and shouting in excitement, one of them bumping into Gohama. The blend of smells so similar to the ones from her home, the oil of fried food, spice of noodles, the freshnesss of flowers. She stopped on her steps and watched the commotion of people wandering around. A family was eating by the dango stand, a small child tugging at the yukata of his mother while she talked to her husband. Then, she picked him up and his father offered him some of his food, which made the kid smile. A young couple, still shy around each other, the girl cheering his date as he tried to win her a teddy bear. Friends messing around as they competed to see who could hit the most targets.

Gohama looked down, her feet fumbling through the dirt of the unpaved street. Her home had white round and polished stone streets. Better, used to have. Now, they were probably cracked and dirty from the years of abandonment, maybe even stained with the blood of her people. The resemblance only made it worst, because it was almost, only almost, but never the same. Maybe it was too much for her to handle. Maybe she should have stayed in her apartment. Another pair of feet appeared over the dusty brown of the ground. A hand settled on her shoulder, its thumb gently stroking the exposed skin of her neck.

"Is it too much?" Hansuke asked.

"Maybe."

"Those two went to get us some food, but then we can go to my place, drink ourselves silly."

She looked up at him. "I want to be here, I was excited, I just never expected it to hit so hard."

"We can go meet the boys and see, if you need to get out we go. Okay?" He offered her his arm and, with a blush, she took it. It was has she had expected, warm and comforting.

They began walking towards the two familiar chakra signatures. The delicious fried squids helped her mood along with Nikato's loudmouthed cheerfulness. They stopped by the stands with raffles, only winning some useless little trinkets. Most games involved accuracy so shinobi were prevented from playing them, only the goldfish scooping one was allowed. The three chunin squatted in front of the aquarium, in one hand a poi, in the other a bowl with water. Beside them, there were only small children with their parents encouraging them on. Nikato and Gohama shared a glare and, at Hansuke's voice, they delved into the water. Gohama followed the small fishes around with her net and, just as she scooped the water behind them, they slipped away. At least, Nikato wasn't having a better luck. The boy beside her kept shoving her elbow with his and scaring the fish away with his lack of subtlety. He had made her break her poi two times now. She was ready to lash out at any moment when a hand patted her head.

"It's just a game, no need to start killing the children."

She gave Hansuke a pointed glare over her shoulder but he was only more amused at his own comment because of that. Gohama glanced over Kisamaru and he had already three fish inside his bowl. She dived back in with the concentration and urgency of a mission and, after too many failed attempts, she finally caught one. Her exclamation scared the boy beside her.

She shoved the bowl in front of Nikato. "Look what I've got here, Kato-kun. I guess this means I win." she boasted with a childish tone.

"No, it's the fastest out of three."

"Then, the winner is actually Kisamaru." Hansuke pointed to the bowl in Hyuga's hand with five fish inside.

The three prepared to leave as Nikato continued on his hunt for a goldfish. Even when they asked him to leave with them, with the offer of one of Kisamaru's fishes, he didn't budge.

"I'll stay here until I catch one!"

So, they left him with the other children. Kisamaru spent most of their walk looking around, clearly searching for someone in the mess of people. Gohama and Hansuke shared knowing smiles when he excused himself with the pretext of being worried about Nikato.

The two of them continued on their stand exploration. Occasionally, Hansuke would lay his hand on the small of her back, guiding her through the openings between people. She was sure it was only an excuse to touch her and she didn't mind it at all. Yesterday had been proof that he was as attracted to her as she was to him. Even after being thrown into a river, Hansuke wasn't shying away from her. He used every little excuse to touch her and it was driving her crazy. From the escorting hand on her back, to the slide of her hair when it fell on her face, to the brush of his arm against hers, to the looming heat when he walked or stood close to her, to his voice against her ear when he talked above the noise. Small, fleeting touches meant as a prelude, as a promise to so much more. She wanted there to be more.

She wanted him. It was want, wasn't it? That's why all her insides writhed at the teasing, why her eyes kept fixing on his mouth and her own tingled when he used his tongue to wipe his lips after eating. This was no longer about searching for comfort or affection, it was lust. After years of only hate to kindle her bland insides, suddenly she burned up with this primal, captivating urge. It terrified her and fascinated her.

Gohama pulled the plastic bag with her fish into her line of sight, watching the animal swim around. "Toshi."

"You're going to name the fish?"

"Of course, I'm going to name him. Why wouldn't I name him?"

"Him?" he chuckled "Never thought you'd keep _it_, but now I see you have a soft spot for fish. I feel sorry for _him_."

Gohama shoved her shoulder against him as a playful warning to shut up. They found Ippon's corner table usual group at a table supporting too many bottles of sake.

"Of course, you're all in the one place you can drink sitting down." Gohama joked as they stopped by them. "I'm actually surprised you came to the festival."

Genma groaned. "Kyura! Are you trying to give us all blue balls in that kimono?"

"Hey, Genma," Hansuke growled "that's too far."

"You're disgusting, Shiranui." Gohama complained as she flopped down on a seat.

Hansuke sat on her right side, his thigh pressed against hers. She couldn't really scoot over to the left, because Kakashi was also too close for comfort. So, she just had to endure the heat and friction from his too frequent movements.

"Genma, you have no respect for the beauty of youth." Gai started and then turned to Gohama "It moves me to see a young woman dressed like a fragile flower but with the strength of a thousand rivers. The youthful force—"

Beside her, Kakashi whined without taking his eyes off his _Icha Icha_. "Here we go again…" he pushed a full cup of sake towards her "On me, so you can survive the speech."

She glanced at him with a raised eyebrow at his uncharacteristic generosity, but decided not to tease him. If Kakashi wanted to pay for her drinks every time Gai made his speeches, she wouldn't mess with it. The speech finally ended.

"Thanks, Gai," she said while raising her cup "appreciate the compliment."

His eyes glinted with emotion and gratitude.

"You flatterer." Kakashi accused.

"No, I'm not. Even if in a cheesy, too intense way, it's still a compliment."

"Yet, you didn't like Genma's. And before you finish that look, even if in a lecherous, too intense way, it's still a compliment."

"Go back to your book."

He chuckled in victory and raised his _Icha Icha_ to his eyes again. They continued drinking and chatting throughout the night, just as in Ippon. Nikato and Kisamaru ended up joining them later.

"Ah, Kato-kun, I see you finally made it." she joked and picked up her plastic bag with Toshi inside, bumping it against the Nikato's one "Now, they can be friends."

"I thought you said we'd leave the almost-deadly-mission drinking for another day, Sensei…" Nikato grumbled when he saw the amount of sake bottles on the table and how he had lost it over a fish.

"What? You're having almost-deadly-mission drinking and didn't tell me?" Genma half-shouted, half-slurred.

"Yeah, everyone likes ADM drinking, guys…" Kotetsu whined from his slumped positions on the other side of the table.

"You had an ADM?" Kakashi leaned into her ear and asked.

"A few days ago. Kisamaru saved our butts." she explained while pointing over her shoulder with a thumb.

Nikato moved to sit at the now almost vacant table. "Nikato," Hansuke called "we'll finish the night at my place, the stalls are closing anyway."

Genma started standing up too.

"Not you, Shiranui, just my team."

"You're so boring now, Suke-kun… You used to throw the best hang outs at your place."

As she stood up, Gohama realised she was only a bit tipsy, which was surprising considering the amount of alcohol she thought she had drank. And now that she thought back, she hadn't even paid for any of it. When she was pulling her wallet from under her obi, a gloved hand took hold of her wrist. She looked down at an eye-crinkle hidden smile.

"I'll leave enough for both." she doubted, but wasn't going to fight him over free sake "Consider it a present, Gohama."

So Kakashi knew. She gave him a couple of condescending pats in the cheek with a thank you and left to catch up with her team.

Back at Hansuke's place, there was little drinking. They set the futon in the living room and the boys went right to sleep. Gohama still needed to sober up a bit and went to the porch. The sky was clear and the slight breeze fresh. It was a beautiful spring night, with the abandoned backyard covered in white wild daisies and blue flowers she didn't know what were called. The peach tree at the end blossomed with beautiful pink flowers.

Hansuke closed the door behind him, the soft snores of the boys still clear, and sat beside her. "Happy birthday, Gohama."

She smiled. "You know it's pass midnight."

"I knew you didn't want them to know."

"Is this why you insisted on going to the festival today?"

"Maybe." she gave a good-hearted scoff as response "Was it a good day, at least?"

She turned her head slightly to his, so she could smile at him. "It was."

He gave her a wide grin and his face lit up with excitement. "It's going to become even better, then. I have a present." He offered her a small wrapped box.

Gohama accepted it and, as she ripped through the paper, she would glance over at his expectant eyes, focussed on her hands. She was slightly hesitant, if she didn't like it than it would make the air between them awkward.

"Since this winter didn't snow in Konoha," he started as she opened the blue carton box and the thin paper ruffled when she moved it away "I thought I could give you something that reminded you of home."

Inside all the wrapping, box and paper was a silver necklace. The chain thin, almost fragile looking, and the pendant was a perfectly carved small snowflake. Simplicity was exactly what she valued in jewellery and, even if she had never shared that with him, he knew, because he knew her. The sight of the perfect present with the caring meaning behind it made her chest warm and ache. It was beautiful.

"Aren't you going to say anything…?" he sheepishly asked, moving away the tresses of hair that had fallen from her hairdo so he could study her face.

She turned to him with a small smile, not exactly knowing what to say. "Yes… Thank you."

Hansuke took the necklace from the box and gently coaxed her to turn around with a hand on her shoulder. The back of his fingers brushing against her neck was sending trills up and down her spine. He was having some trouble closing the lock. When he did it, he let out a relieved sigh and brushed his calloused thumb over the vertebrae that rose through her flesh, followed by a squeeze of her shoulders so she would turn back to him.

Automatically, she brought her fingers to the pendant, smoothing it out against her chest. He pulled her hand away to judge himself how the necklace looked on her. It fell slightly under her collarbone. Hansuke touched the snowflake with two of his fingers, then they slid over to the dip above the necklace and traced a firing path through her collarbone.

His gaze flickered to hers and her breath was caught in her throat. The heat and tenderness of his hazel eyes, dark in the night's dimness, brought with them thrill and intimacy. A new kind of intimacy, which they had only experienced for fleeting moments before, and that now burned with the promise of something deeper, something lasting.

His gaze fell to her lips and then to the fiery trail of his fingers, which followed the path of the fabric of her kimono onto her shoulder. Her breaths shallowed with every roamed inch and her cheeks reddened. He traced the arch of her shoulder and neck with gentle devotion, but his eyes showed the underlying violence of craving. Because, when he cupped her cheek and tilted her head so she would stare back at him, the gentleness had mixed with desire. Gohama instinctively knew and instinctively her stomach coiled and instinctively her own eyes burned with the same longing.

She watched his parted lips. There was no thinking, only the slow motion of nearing them. And Hansuke moved with her. Slowly and resolvedly, the meeting path an end on its own. She could feel the friction of his stroking thumb on her cheek and the warmth of his palm against her jaw and neck. His breath blending with her own, with the heat of her blushing cheeks. His nose and her nose touched first and she sighed in almost relief. The deep relief of comforting affection. She continued the path, but he stopped her movements, she pushed on, but his other hand moved to cup her face and hold it in place. He only let their foreheads lean against each other. Her heart sank and her gaze fixed on his mouth with aching.

"We shouldn't." he explain, his voice wonderfully strained.

"Why?" her own voice surprised her.

"I'm your team leader, Gohama. And I'm much older than you."

"Six years is nothing for us. We're shinobi."

"Six years is six years."

"Just once."

"I can't do just once. Not with you." he dropped his forehead to her shoulder with a groan "I'm sorry."

She chuckled dryly and brushed her hand through his hair in soothing, mostly mocking, waves. "You know it's rude to leave a girl high and dry on her birthday." her tone both humorous and biting. His only response was a louder groan.

She pulled his head back with her grip on his hair and pressed a lingering kiss to his cheek.

"For the beautiful present." she whispered against his cheek and parted to stand up.

"You know that doesn't help." he whined.

"I know." she answered with a mischievous smirk. "I'll take the bed, you sleep with the boys. It's my birthday after all and I was just denied a birthday kiss." she twirled on her bare feet and gave him a wave over her shoulder "Night, Suke."

However, he caught her hand, brought it to his mouth, and kissed its back.

"There, a birthday kiss." his lips traced the words on her knuckles. The sweetness of the gesture with his gentle eyes was enough to fill her chest with warmth again. She squeezed his hand and went inside his bedroom. "Goodnight, Gohama." he wished to the shutting door.

Deep down, they both knew that, even playing the game of going back and forth, of the shinobi rules, of fighting their pull, the promise was still marked in each other's shared gazes.


	23. III - Chapter 3

_I've had Gohama's ninja stats for a while now. I was going to write something about that in PART I, but, yeah, that never happened. So here they are, and the rest of the team. Just some added information for this chapter._

_KG beginning of Part I: Ninjutsu: 5 | Taijutsu: 3.5 | Genjutsu: 2.5 | Intelligence: 4 | Strength: 3 | Speed: 3 | Stamina: 5 | Hand seals: 3 | Total: 29_

_KG now: Ninjutsu: 5 | Taijutsu: 4 | Genjutsu: 2.5 | Intelligence: 4 | Strength: 3.5 | Speed: 3.5 | Stamina: 5 | Hand seals: 3 | Total: 30.5_

_Giranai Hansuke: Ninjutsu: 5 | Taijutsu: 4.5 | Genjutsu: 3.5 | Intelligence: 3.5 | Strength: 4 | Speed: 4 | Stamina: 3 | Hand seals: 5 | Total: 32.5 _

_Hyuga Kisamaru: Ninjutsu: 3.5 | Taijutsu: 4 | Genjutsu: 2 | Intelligence: 4.5 | Strength: 2.5 | Speed: 4 | Stamina: 3.5 | Hand seals: 3 | Total: 27_

_Hayashi Nikato: Ninjutsu: 4 | Taijutsu: 3.5 | Genjutsu: 2 | Intelligence: 3 | Strength: 3.5 | Speed: 3 | Stamina: 3 | Hand seals: 4 | Total: 26_

_For the amazing people still enjoying this story with me, Thank you so much for reading! I'd love to know what you think of it._

* * *

Part III | Chapter 3

* * *

The pre-selection for the Jonin admission exam was that morning. All three Chunin from Hansuke's team had applied for Jonin that year. Gohama knew she had the skill level to be accepted. Kisamaru was reluctant, but both his excellence as a Hyuga and a medic ninja would grant him a place in the exam. Nikato was the only one who thought would never pass. Hansuke had tried to reason with his insecurities, but the young man was too nervous to think out of his own presumptions. Their team was one of the best fixed ones in Konoha, even if they were mostly chunin. With the Kyura and Hyuga's complementing bloodline limits, Hansuke's ANBU excellence and Nikato's wind ninjutsu mastery and owl summon, their team shined in stealth, combat and scouting missions. It was in the Leaf's best interest to have every member a jonin so they could start with S-rank missions.

After six months of specialized training and evaluation missions, they were ready for the actual Jonin Exam. The three only needed to pass the pre-selection led by committee made of three jonin, which changed every year. Since Gohama's first training on their team, Kisamaru had managed to master different lightning and water ninjutsu, combining the two for greater damage; Nikato also used his wind mastery for enhancing his fire jutsu. It had been smart of Hansuke to combine their chakra nature affinities with one that augmented the power of their jutsu. Wind kindled fire and water spread lightning.

Gohama walked alone to the Academy, they had arranged to meet only after the interviews. Even while climbing the stairs, she could already sense the anxiety oozing from the second floor hallway. There was a line of chunin leaning against the half wood panelled walls. Gohama looked at the schedule sheet pinned to a green notice board. The boys were first, so Nikato and Kisamaru already knew their results. A name was called, hers was next.

The tension spread through the walls and stone floors, the closed air and the waiting ninja. Except for Gohama. She leaned onto the wall with an indifferent pose, if they failed her it would only be because Konoha still didn't trust her. The white door slid open with a crash and a girl burst out from the room. Emotionality. Not ideal on a ninja. The quiet murmur of chatting halted at the noise. She waited until the nin called her name.

"Kyura Gohama."

Most heads turned towards her nonchalant walk. Even after almost a year in the Leaf, her name still brought curiosity.

She entered the room. It was a common classroom, but three tables were put in front of the chalkboard. Three jonin sitting behind them: Anko, Genma and Kakashi, Gohama had already sensed their chakra from outside. Kakashi was the only one that would probably give her some trouble.

They acknowledged her presence and went back to reading some forms. It remained the same after several minutes. She bounced back and forth on her heels, waiting until they said something, anything really. Why was it taking so long? It was either a yes or a no from each one of them, nothing too complex to share. The nervous coiling in her stomach was finally showing itself.

"Am I supposed to just stand here and look at you reading?" she asked annoyed.

Anko and Genma raised their heads.

"A bit impatient, are we?" the woman asked. "You have to understand you're a sensitive case."

"Hm… The Leaf still doesn't trust me."

"I would say it's more of a precaution." Genma mediated. He was being serious for once. Was this the professional version of Genma? She had never taken a mission with him. Actually, she had never talked to him away from the vicinity of alcohol, this was probably the first time she saw him in daylight.

"Still, you definitely decided this with Tsunade before. So why the last minute review?"

"There is someone undecided." both looked towards Kakashi. He remained as impassive as before, his fingers thrumming on the desk. Of course, he would give her trouble.

"Does his vote alter the verdict?"

"No. Genma and I decided on a yes. You can leave if you want. You're through to the next phase."

That was a relief. Tsunade trusted her enough to be in a high position in Konoha ranks. Still, Kakashi's supposed indecision was irking her enough to rouse curiosity. He would never enter this room without a thoroughly, overly thought-out decision.

"I'll wait. You can spill it, Kakashi, I know you already decided."

He finally raised his eyes from the papers and looked at her. His expression unchanged. "It's a no."

Gohama dryly chuckled. "And why?"

"I don't have to justify my verdict to you."

"As a kunoichi working for improvement, I would like to know."

"You're not ready."

"If you chose no, that much is obvious. Don't you trust my loyalty, is that it?"

"Yes."

"You're lying. You may not trust me but that's not the reason."

"Kakashi, just tell her." Anko intervened.

Kakashi sighed and leaned against his chair, a sheet of paper dangling from his hands. "You're too immature." he drawled out the words with his typical lazy tone.

"You're the one evading my perfectly reasonable question."

"You don't want to know so you can improve, you want to know because I hurt your pride." the words came out more harshly.

"I just don't understand why you won't tell me."

"You wouldn't take it well."

"So the Copy nin is worried about my feelings." She finished her words with a dry chuckle.

He sighed again, but now it was as if he was convincing a stubborn child not to touch the stove. Oh, how it annoyed her. "I don't think you're ready to be in charge of a high-rank mission."

"Go on…"

"You're too insecure about being responsible for someone else's life."

Gohama, more than irk, started to feel her anger rise. But she would never let it show, even if she couldn't stop her tone from becoming defensive. "I'm already responsible for my team's lives. Being a Jonin wouldn't change that."

"No. But you would have to lead other shinobi's actions on the field. If your judgement failed, the responsibility would be yours." he moved his gaze to the sheet in his hands "I have here both your team leader's and your own report on a mission in The Land of Tea three months ago. They indicate that a genin operative was wounded because you froze when deciding whether to order him to either stand down or charge into the enemy. Is this true?"

"I didn't freeze. I was pondering what the safest option was for the kid."

"I quote from your report, «when I realised operative D46 had been pierced in the back with an enemy kunai, I ordered him to retreat towards camp, where the team medic was stationed, while I contained the ambush». What you failed to mention was the previous moments, which Giranai Hansuke's report fills in with operative D46's testimony—"

"Testimony?" she chuckled again, more bitterly "Is this a trial?"

"I'm not done. I quote his report. «According to D46, operative K21 had sensed the three hostile chakra signatures, chunin level, two minutes before they arrived at their position. D46 had asked which were his orders and K21 didn't give any. Thus, D46 remained in his position, charging into battle when the enemies arrived. Only when D46 was wounded with an enemy kunai did K21 order him to retreat to camp, resorting to kage bushin no jutsu as a means of containing the threat and supporting D46 on his retreat»." he lifted his eyes from the sheet in his hand.

Gohama stomped the distance between them, ripping the report from his hold. Hansuke had really written that. She could understand, it was his duty to make sure all mission occurrences were as clear as possible, but oh did it make her look bad. They had already discussed this imperceptible problem of hers. Only Hatake to have caught it.

"It was one mission, one slip-up."

"The problem is it wasn't one slip-up. I also have knowledge that you ask not to lead sub-teams on missions, is this also true?"

Gohama didn't answer. She felt persecuted, and by Kakashi of all people. Why did he have the need to comb every mission of hers for every mistake she had made? She knew her skill was jonin level, she knew she was good enough to pass the Jonin Exam, maybe even the ANBU one. Danzo wouldn't have offered her a position as a Captain if he thought she would kill his operatives for negligence. The uncomfortable, almost paining, pinch she felt was turning into anger.

"You're not capable of—better, you refuse to decide for others when their lives are on the line. You can't be a Jonin without that. It's not a one-time thing."

Her hands hit the desk roughly, as she leaned on it. "What makes you think this?"

Kakashi kept silent, his almost sleepy gaze fixed on her challenging one. She could sense him pondering if he should reply.

"Answer me!" she growled.

"Your guilt over the fate of your Village keeps you from taking responsibility over someone else's life. You're afraid you'd fail again and you can't go through the same guilt. You're putting your own feelings over your duty."

Gohama took in every stabbing word, her anger dissipating into the same impassiveness Kakashi always showed. The one he was showing now, with his lazy stare, his nonchalant cross of his arms, his indifferent slouch against the chair, as if he wasn't talking about the worst, most defining moment of her life. She pushed her hands against the table and used the bounce to step away from it.

Silence fell into the room, only broken by her sardonic chuckle. "You're one to talk, Kakashi." her tone was mockingly light "I know why you go to the cenotaph every day; and yet you're still one of the best team leaders."

He continued with the same bored expression, but Gohama could see his fingers whitening as they held his crossed arms. Of course it would work. He obsessed over it. How could he not, when it was marked into his own face, into his own shinobi way?

"You don't know what you're talking about." he stated.

"Oh, but I do know. Jonin at what? Twelve, thirteen? Impressive I have to say. But maybe it was a little too soon, don't you agree?" His one dark eye changing into the same heat of battle. "Looking at your fame, I would never expect such a failed first mission."

"We completed the mission." his usual drawl leaving through clenched teeth.

"Yes, but at what cost?" she let the question hang, she let him remember the cost and he didn't answer. "The guilt never stopped you. And it isn't stopping you now." He was falling, she could see it in his tenseness, in his angered eye. If one stabbed the right buttons, the great Copy nin's mask would crumble. "You went on to become one of the greatest team leaders of Konoha, knowing your judgement killed your friend."

A sharp pain ran from her skull through the length of her spine, a taut grip crushed her throat. When the white spots from the blow left her eyes, she saw two mismatched ones glaring back at her. Kakashi had yielded to his rage. He was pinning her against the wall, she could barely touch her toes to the ground.

"You know nothing." he growled.

His nails started breaking her flesh. Her breathing rasped on her throat and her pulse throbbed through his hand.

"Maybe it wasn't so bad." she tried to force her voice to sound natural, but it was still husky from him choking her. "After all, that mission was what made you Kakashi of the Sharin—"

He pushed his hand against the wall. Gohama's breathing was completely cut off, alongside her words. For the first time, she worried and brought her arms to hold his forearm. If he decided to kill her, she would burn his arm off with her chakra. His eyes were wild, even his chakra had lost part of his restraint. It shoved into her front with piercing electrifying waves. At the feel of it, her body started freaking out, just as with Hansuke, but there was no clear memory replacing reality. A primal fear gripped her heart with cold fingers and it helplessly sped away from it. It was growing; it reminded her of the same horror that had consumed her on that bloody night. The same when she had seen her dead mother and the blank mask holding a bleeding blade. Almost the same fear, almost the same cha—

Genma surged between the two. One hand on Kakashi's chest trying to drive him away. "Kakashi." he called firmly.

The Copy ninja pulled away and turned his back towards Gohama. The growing fear disappeared as suddenly as its seed had appeared. She tried not to cough or show any kind of distress, even if she was sure Kakashi had seen it in her eyes. He passed his hands through his face and hair. He exhaled and went to sit at his desk. His expression as impassive as it always was.

"Are you alright?" Genma asked her with a hand on her shoulder.

She nodded dismissively and went towards the exit. As she was passing Kakashi's desk, she said with a playful smirk, "You're too easy to mess with." she reached the door and nodded towards the other two. Anko seemed fairly entertained and surprised. Genma just looked concerned.

Then, she gently closed the door behind her.

"I like her." Anko cheerfully said.

"What the hell, Kakashi? I've never seen you like that. Not on a comrade. You of all people losing control… You let her play you like a genin. I hope you consider that on your final verdict."

"Oh, she's good… Let go of your pride and just give her a Yes."

* * *

A drip plinked all around her. With each ominous plink a sharp pain gripped her head and chest. Gohama ran around the traditional Japanese home trying to find the dripping. But the walls were unclear and the floor dark. And each drip was louder and more painful. Then she saw it. The drips were read and they fell on the red overflowing stain. They dripped from the steel blade of a ninjato. More than the pain, there was horror too. Life stealing horror. Gohama knew that blade and the hand holding it. She gripped her head and chest, trying to bear the pain and the horror, but it only grew bigger, wider, deeper. Her eyes moved to a blank, white mask. Gohama knew that mask too. Before she could attack it with all the hate boiling through her chakra, the mask flew across the room towards her and the same hand that had gripped the ninjato was crushing her throat now.

With a jolt and gasp, Gohama woke up to her moonlit bedroom. She fell back on the bed with a pained sigh and turned to watch the night outside. There was no more sleeping tonight. She regretted having left Ippon too early. The night had been a drag. First Genma had come on to her, but this time it had been real. It wasn't just his usual messing around. She ended up playing along and leaving him after some generous glasses of whiskey he had paid. Then, when she could finally enjoy her night with the team, Hansuke had seen the bruises she had failed to cover on her neck and lashed out. With his typical overprotective anger, he had approached Kakashi, Gohama failing to stop him before Hansuke punched him on the jaw, drawing the entire bar's attention to them. So, she had ordered them both to leave Ippon and they did. She had gone back to Nikato and Kisamaru, but the mood had been ruined. Soon after, she had also left.

And now, as she was laying on her bed, unable to fall asleep after another dream of her mother's killer, Gohama wished she had gotten drunk with her two boys. She let herself remain still and let the quiet bring her into sleep. The heavy rain outside was starting to lull her fading conscious. She sensed a familiar chakra. Kakashi. What was he doing here?

He stopped by her bedroom door and just stayed there. He had probably come to apologize. Gohama was annoyed. She had been on the verge of sleep and he broke it.

"Get out. I'm trying to sleep." she said as she turned over, her back towards him.

He didn't say anything. He just stayed there. Gohama chose to ignore him, he would have to leave some time. Then he started walking towards her, cautious and hesitant. He stopped beside her bed and his hand slowly moved onto her neck. She grasped his wrist right before he could reach it. But he still managed to gently pull her hair away and trace her bruised throat. His ghostly fingers were freezing. A tremor ran through her. She tightened her grasp and he stopped, his fingers still on her.

"What are you doing?" her irritation slipped through her tone.

He didn't say anything, he didn't move.

She suddenly turned to gaze him, "What the fuck do you want, Kakashi?"

And then she saw him. Water was dripping onto her floor from his hair and clothes. His dark eye was hollow. She couldn't see behind his mask, but all his posture spread defeat. He had definitely been at the cenotaph. She could smell the alcohol coming from him. Gohama didn't know what to do. His appearance had dissipated her irritation. She felt pity. She almost never felt pity. She thought pity was for the weak from the weak. What was she supposed to do?

Her practical sense kicked in. She quickly rose from her bed. "You're dripping all over my wooden floor! There's mud everywhere…" she held his forearm to drag him onto the bathroom. "You're freezing."

He didn't seem to sense anything she was saying or doing.

"Kakashi. Listen to me. What do you want?"

He didn't react.

She went towards her closet and took out a jonin sweater and sweats. She pushed them against his chest. Then she pushed his back towards the bathroom.

"Here. Take a hot shower and snap out of it. I'll go make tea."

Gohama left for the kitchen. She heard the water running. That was a good sign. What was happening? Had she really messed him up that bad? She knew how guilty he felt about his teammate's death. She felt the same guilt over her Village. She had selfishly used her knowledge to mess with him. She had wanted him to yield into his rage. He was the eternally indifferent and impassive Kakashi, breaking his cool was a feat worth chasing. She had wanted to piece back together her shattered pride and winning against Kakashi had made that. She knew this and she didn't regret the victory of having three yeses, the only chunin that year. The only one Kakashi had given. She still didn't regret it, even after seeing his beaten spirit. Why didn't she regret it? Was Gohama that mean? That fucked up?

And for what had he come here for? Maybe Hansuke's punch had made his anger boil again and he had come for his comeback. But his look didn't add up. Maybe he had regretted being so violent and wanted to apologize. After all, he was Kakashi, he couldn't apologize easily.

The bathroom door opened. "Do you have a mask?" he shyly asked from there.

Good he was speaking and thinking. "Oh, come on, Kakashi. Just come maskless."

"I'll just dress my shirt again."

"You're making me search for a mask…"

She went to her bedroom and got the only one out. It was a loose one, supposed to hang freely from the users face. She slipped her hand through the bathroom door.

"This should do it. Bring your clothes, we can leave them to dry in the kitchen."

He did as she said. He also mopped the floor where he had smudged it with dirt. Gohama sat on her couch and waited for him. When she first saw him in the light, she winced. His left cheek was swollen and cracked, starting to turn into dark purple. At least, his eyes weren't as hollow as before, but there was now some sadness in them.

"Why didn't you get that healed?"

He shrugged. "I deserved it." he pulled the collar of the sweater onto his nose. "Why do you have Hansuke's clothes?"

Gohama tried not to look embarrassed. "I had to use them on a mission and never gave them back. Maybe I will after this. Your tea." she pointed to the cup while he sat down next to her. "Now. What are you doing here?"

He pondered his words. "Drinking a nice cup of tea." He replied while raising the mug and giving her an overly fake eye-creased smile. The fakest he had given her. She hated it.

"Kakashi. This is not funny. You woke me up at four in the morning, I'm not in the mood for evaded questions."

He turned his head to the window. His dark eye watched the raindrops fall against her window. The memory of her childhood friend, Kunimaru, staring into nothing with the same forlorn expression, the same dark grey eyes, replaced the image of Kakashi and she had to look away. Gohama much more preferred his usual impassive and laidback attitude. Without his hitai-ate and his sharingan turned away from her, he seemed so human. At the same time with nothing and everything of the S-rank infamous Copy-nin. It was foreign and strangely fitting. Gohama had always known of this Kakashi sitting on her couch; his air still dripping from the shower, his grip desperate on the mug, his shoulders hunched in defeat, not carelessness. But now she was finally seeing him, vulnerable and boyish, and an entire abyss of things lurking out. Just as every other person. This rawness made her heart clench.

"I just came."

That was as much as she could get out of him now.

"I can understand if you're mad at me."

She felt him turn back to her and Gohama lowered her eyes to watch the nail of her thumb scratch her mug's rim.

"Why would I be mad at you? I choked you. Your eyes were the same as whe—" He cut himself off, and stared sheepishly into his tea. It was obvious he hadn't wanted to go through whatever memory that was.

"You were right, you know, about my pride. I only did what I did because of it. I knew there were two reasons for not passing me. The obvious one was lack of trust."

"There was no reason not to trust you. You have put your life on the line for this Village. You're loyal to the Leaf."

"Being loyal to the Leaf doesn't mean my loyalty dies there."

He snapped to her with a pointed look. "What are you saying?"

"When on a mission you choose your teammates' lives above the success of the mission. That means you're more loyal to them than to the Konoha."

He thought about her words. "I guess I never saw it that way… Are you trying to say you're loyal above all else to your team?" she didn't answer "What is above them, then?"

"It doesn't matter. It wouldn't affect the Leaf."

"Who is it?"

"You know…" His expression changed into dread and something else. It worried Gohama. "What's the problem? The Arms is gone, they're all dead… But death doesn't kill loyalty."

"You shouldn't say that…" he sounded concerned "Not to me… I'll have to report it…"

"Then do it." she said casually "It won't affect anything."

"You don't understand…"

"What?"

"It… It doesn't matter… just don't say that to other people… They can be annoyingly cautious." he added an eye-creased smile to his last comment.

Gohama gave a dry chuckle at his sudden change and leaned against the coach. "You're absolutely mental today."

"A little. What was the other reason?"

"Your reason, obviously." she sighed "It was a shame you were one of the examiners. Hansuke and I had talked about this before. But he also believes in me. Yeah, poor guy, I know… You were the other one that could get there. And you did, because… well, I suppose we're somewhat similar in that…" He raised his eyes to meet hers, they were warm and the something else was there too. "but you are less tolerable, so a no was likely. But when you actually said it… You pinched the spot and I had to pinch yours too…"

"Still, what I did… You played me. You didn't pinch you punched and I should have held myself together, but I didn't… That's why I gave you a yes. You took my weaknesses and made a used it on me. That's what a good ninja does."

Gohama felt herself blush at his words, it made her uncomfortable. "You really lost it, if you're complimenting me, Kakashi." she mocked.

"Ah. For you is Hatake-sama."

The silence was comfortable, but Gohama's mind kept lingering in his first state when he arrived. Why was he so lost?

"Why did you come here… like that?"

"I should have known I wouldn't be able to do it without waking you up… I don't think I even thought about that." he scornfully chuckled "I looked like a creepy old man."

Of course, he would sneak out of that one again. She held his forearm and squeezed it. "Not old. Just creepy." she teased. He smiled frailly under the mask. "Now. If you're not going to see about that cheek, I guess I'll have to look at it the old fashion way. I'll just get my med-kit."

They were facing each other on the couch. Gohama was trying to find a way of taking care of the wound without him taking off his mask. "I think it's better if the mask comes off."

"You're just doing this to see my face."

"To think I would have any goal behind me being nice to you!" she emphasised the fake offended tone.

"I'll just pull it down under my nose."

"Let me pull it…" he looked reluctant "don't you trust me?"

He sighed and nodded for her to do it. Gohama tucked her fingers over the mask, her knuckles brushing both his cheeks. She lowered it slowly, building the anticipation. She was seeing his uncovered nose for the first time. It was strong and straight, a normal but attractive nose, considering other noses. She passed her finger from the middle of his brows onto the tip of it. She could sense his eyes fixed on her, he seemed tense and uncomfortable, so she began attending to his cheek. For the entire time, he kept his uneven gaze fixed on her, even when he winced. Gohama tried to avoid meeting them. She managed until she finally finished and pushed his mask back up.

"That's the best I could do. It still looks ugly, so you should go see a medic-nin."

"It's alright. Now it's your turn, Gohama."

"What?"

"I know you haven't gone to a medic-nin. So we'll have to do it the old fashion way."

"It's just bruises, you can't heal them."

"I'll be the judge of that."

She rolled her eyes and accepted. Maybe this would help him ease his conscious. He gently pulled all her hair up. His eyes showed the same defeat and the something else again, when he examined her neck. "I'm sorry…" he whispered.

He carefully brushed a soaked gaze onto the open marks of his nails. He knew there was nothing else he could do. "Please go to your medic teammate. Why won't you?" She just shrugged, in the midst of their night in Ippon, she hadn't had the time to ask Kisamaru.

They were now closer to each other, so he could examine the back of her neck. He stroked the tender skin with the tip of his fingers. A trill ran from her neck through her spine. But his hands were warm this time. He pulled her chin up with the hand gripping her hair and kept it in that place. Gohama heard shuffling fabric. Was he taking his mask off? She couldn't see. Suddenly she felt the warm soft touch of his lips on the side of her neck. Even if it felt good, she couldn't shake off her confusion and uneasiness. She didn't think of him like that, she didn't want him like that. But why did she melt at his kisses?

"Kakashi…?"

He kept kissing her. His lips rose onto the line of her jaw, then her chin. She tried to move her head, so she could see him without the mask, but his grip on her hair was tight. Why couldn't she stop him? Finally, both their lips met and Gohama closed her eyes. He tasted of sake, but she couldn't help but kiss him back, moving her own lips shyly and tentatively with his. It was a whole new overwhelming sensation and her curiosity refused to shun away.

He let her hair fall down and both his hands were on her nape and jaw. His tenderness grew into a needy, intense pace. Gohama felt his hot tongue swipe across her lips, a trill ran the length of her spine and coiled in her belly. She snapped out. She didn't like him like that. There was no reason to complicate things. She felt guilty. Pushing both hands weakly against his chest, she tried to pull him away.

"Kakashi, stop… We can't…" she softly said between breaths.

His kiss became more heated, his lips more demanding, his tongue more avid.

"Kakashi!" she said as she strongly pushed him away.

Their lips broke and he stood, looking down at her, panting and confused, his mask in place. He quickly turned around and started pacing towards the corner of the room, his hands brushing through his hair and face.

"What is wrong with me…" he whispered.

"It's okay, Kakashi… Things just happen. You don't need to make a storm out of this."

"No. These things don't just happen. Not to me." he said, back towards her. "This fucking day." He growled to himself.

"Kakashi, calm down." she asked as she started to rise from the couch.

"Stay there." he commanded, every piece of his authority seeping through his tone.

"Why are you acting like this?" she asked exasperatedly "We just kissed, it doesn't mean anything… We just let ours—"

"Not we. It's my fault…"

"Can't you at least look at me when we talk?"

"I can't look at you!" he snapped, his back still to her, his forearms supporting him against the wall. "Don't you understand that, Kyura Gohama?" Why the fuck was he calling her by her full name? "I can't! With you, it's always this... this fucking guilt…"

He glanced at her over his shoulder. His eyes, that something else, it was guilt. His eyes were angry and guilty.

"You don't have to feel guilty, I was the one that messed with you. I was the one that started it…"

He didn't seem to listen to her. She wanted to reach him, comfort him somehow, but she was afraid. She had never seen him this way. She had no control.

"How could I let myself… after what I've done…" he kept mumbling against the wall.

"Kakashi, you're overreacting." she said, annoyed.

"You don't understand…"

"Then stop wallowing by the corner and tell me!"

He now turned towards her, his back pushing against the wall. His face was torn. There was guilt and pain and anger. She reached him in a second and her hands seeking his face. "Tell me."

"I can't… I…" he pulled her hands away from himself "You don't want to touch me…"

Fuck, he was so drunk. "Kakashi."

"You don't understand. Just stay away, Gohama… I… I have to go…"

He opened the window and jumped into the rain. Gohama watched his fading shadow. Her heart clenched again in compassion and confusion. He read porn in public and freaked out with a kiss. He was stout facing death and crumbled from a broken kiss. She would never understand that man.

* * *

_Yup, Kakashi kissed Gohama. Why? I have no idea and neither does he. _


	24. III - Chapter 4

_Hello there. About the chapters that will follow. This was probably the second part from this story that I've written. So, I feel that the writing isn't as good as the previous parts. I thought of replacing this part for a completely new one, but decided against it. Firstly because I do want to explore seduction missions and how messed up they can get. Secondly, because it has an important plot point and it fits well within this arc. I have rewritten parts of the chapters._

_I thought I should let you know about it. Thanks for reading, be careful and have a great quarantine!_

_-RedPowder_

* * *

Part III | Chapter 4

* * *

Her eyes half-opened to the blinding light of the morning. She winced at the piercing stab and the throbbing of her temples. The two snoring beasts beside her didn't help her miserable head. With a deathlike grunt, Gohama stretched her sore muscles from a week long marathon of binging bars with all the new jonin – three full ones and four tokubetsu.

Today was the day the team would get back to their training regimen as jonin. They had all passed the Jonin Exams. It had been a gruesome, month long exam, on some lost jungle in southern Land of Rivers. Gohama had never sweated as much in her life with the humid heat of that place and the constant exhausting action. The examinees had been left to survive alone in unknown territory full of "enemy" nin, who consisted of Konoha jonin under henge, and simulated missions. There had been times when they had to fight each other. And there had been one casualty due to an untreated infection. Every participant knew of the risk and they could choose to concede at any given time. And because of the reason for his death, the circumstances, the funeral ceremonies had never felt so bitter, a shinobi's death so meaningless. To die on a exam was to die for nothing.

Out of pure luck, Nikato and Kisamaru had found each other halfway through and had decided to stay together. Gohama had met them, also supposedly at random, when the boys were being beaten to a pulp by one of the jonin examiners, who turned out to be Hatake Kakashi. He had been merciless with her, using her teammates to torment her, targeting them in the middle of their fight. All because of her pre-admission hassle and their awkward moment after. He had to stab at her fear of losing her teammates, he had to try to break her through it. But Gohama didn't break. She knew she couldn't win against the Copy-nin, but still she had fought hard enough until an opening appeared and she escaped with Nikato and Kisamaru.

Now, Gohama and Kisamaru were full Jonin and Nikato was a Tokubetsu Jonin, specialised in Wind Release jutsu and aerial scouting and tracking.

A loud snort rumbled beside her and Gohama turned her head to the sound. Hansuke was sprawled on his futon. His mouth was opened with a thread of drool sliding down its corner. His hair a mess of tangles. She smiled lightly at the image and, after standing up, turned to watch Nikato. He didn't look any better.

She stepped outside onto Hansuke's engawa and sat beside Kisamaru. He had a cup of tea between his hands and she watched the swirls of steam rising into the still cool morning.

"Kisa-chan." She greeted.

"Good morning." He assessed her state with those pale lavender, all seeing eyes that never failed to make her feel exposed. "Do you want me to treat your hangover?"

"It's okay. I think coffee and water are enough for me." She looked over her shoulder to the sleeping lumps on the living room "And considering how much those two are snoring, I think you should save it for them."

They stayed silent for a while, so Gohama went inside to make coffee for everyone and returned with a cup of her own.

"Hansuke is really proud of you two. He almost cried last night. It would have been drunk crying, but the sentiment is still there."

As the two of them had stumbled through the streets of Konoha, leaning on each other, as Kisamaru carried an almost passed out Nikato in front of them, Hansuke had went into a drunken speech. It had started with the boys and his endearing pride and ended with him pulling her into a heartwarming, although clumsy, embrace. He had whispered some things she hadn't caught into the crown of her head. Then, he had made her gaze into his reddened and half-lidded eyes and whispered 'You're a wonderful woman, Gohama.'. 'You're a fool, Hansuke.' she answered back. And even in the morning, her lips still curled into a smile as she remembered. Smile that she quickly hid behind her mug when Kisamaru brought her back to the engawa with his voice.

"Sensei is also proud of you, Gohama."

She stopped blowing on the hot liquid. "He's been your sensei since you were twelve. It's not the same."

"No, it's not. But nothing about your relationship with Hansuke-sensei is the same as our relationship with him."

Gohama narrowed her eyes on him. What had he meant with those words? His matter-of-fact tone didn't give her any clue on what he thought about Hansuke and her.

"Why do you still call him sensei? You're a jonin now. Even as chunin, he technically wasn't your teacher anymore."

He tilted his head up against the frail rays of the sun, his dark braid sliding off his shoulder. "Even if we are equals, Hansuke-sensei will always be the person that taught me and guided me through my first years as a Konoha shinobi. I am very thankful for that role of his in my life, even if today he also has the one of friend. The honorific severs as respect and recognition."

She smiled wistfully and remembered the two years with Katsuo-sensei in the Arms. He would have been proud of her and she was grateful for his short presence in her life. "Well, I definitely can't argue with that." She said softly.

The two Hyuga and Kyura stayed silent, while enjoying the tranquillity of the late summer morning and the comfort of each other's company. When the two of them ended up alone, they never talked much. Gohama appreciated the simplicity of their companionship. She knew that if she talked, Kisamaru would listen and he knew the same about her, but they usually chose silence. There was a quiet understanding between them, even if neither could quite pinpoint where that understanding fell in themselves or their lives. Maybe it was because they were both from brother clans, raised in similar values and obligations that shaped their lives and persons.

All she knew was that the ancient animosity between Hyuga and Kyura was absurd. The legend talked of a schism between two siblings and of one bloodline limit made into two. Maybe Gohama and Kisamaru could finally achieve what the mythical father had wanted for their children, companionship in life and in battle. Maybe that was what the founding legend had been trying to teach them through the years, of a union between two clans. It left a heavy weight in her guts to think of the Kyura's birth as one made in hate and division, in a lasting war with an empty armistice. But nothing could be done now. The sister clan was dead and Gohama was just Gohama. The enmity would fade through time, but with no reconciliation.

Kisamaru sighed serenely beside her. "This is nice," he started honestly "but we should get ready for training."

Gohama chuckled at his antics. "Even hangover and on a leave, we can never be late, right Kisa-chan?"

"For that, I'll leave the waking up to you, Kyura."

She picked herself up and left for the living room. She started with the splotch of orange against the white sheets. With light slaps against his cheek and yanking the duvet away from him, Gohama called for him loudly and sweetly.

"Gohama… Why do you hate us so much…?" Nikato whined against his pillow.

"I made you coffee, you ungrateful brat." She answered with another slap, this time to the back of his head.

"Yes… but it's 6am…"

"It's nine and Hyuga's already freaking out. So, it's time to wake up and train like the Jonin we are."

Nikato grinned and gained strength. She knew that would give him some willpower. "Hansuke-sensei. Or should I say Hansuke-taicho…" he called playfully from his futon.

"Or maybe just Hansuke." Gohama added.

He sat up, his hair an orange chaos in a fight against gravity, and cradled his aching head. "That's just you because you're rude."

"That's what Hansuke makes you think. In truth, it's because I'm his favourite." She crouched beside Hansuke's futon and stroked down his light brown hairs that were sticking out. "Right, Suke-chan?"

"Mmm…" he mumbled under his pillow.

"You're our team leader. You should be exemplar." Gohama jokingly scolded as one would a child.

"I'm too old for three days of drinking…" Even she could feel his voice grating against a dry throat.

"You do know you're just 22, Sensei."

"Well, I feel like I'm ninety…"

"Ninety or not, don't make me wake you up. In Snow Country, we put snow in the futons of children who won't leave bed. I'm sure cold water will do just fine."

When her intimidation didn't provoke any reaction, Nikato said "I think he fell asleep again." A light snore conformed his assessment.

Gohama went outside to fill a bucket of cold, morning water. She approached the sleeping nin and whispered by his ear. "Suke-chan…" he jolted lightly and tensed up "you should know my threats are never empty. It's better if you get out of bed now."

He cracked one bloodshot hazel eye open to look at her. "You wouldn't dare…"

"As you wish." She tilted the bucket over and dropped half of it on his head. Hansuke gasped in shock and coldness. He stood up in a flash and stared at her with irritated and hostile eyes. Nikato and Gohama just laughed at the wet cat image he gave them.

"This wasn't very smart. You do know one of my natures is water."

She ignored his threats. "Good, you're awake. There's coffee on the counter."

He quickly tried to grab the bucket, but she swerved away. Hansuke started running after her around the house. Even if Hansuke was still faster than her, Gohama could evade him while using the counters and table as shields. His glare from the other side of the dining room table changed. A flicker of mischief and determination filled his hazel and she knew what he was going to do. Her eyes moved to his hands and there it was. The water release hand seals.

"Hey, that's not fair, Hansuke. No ninjutsu."

He ignored her and continued. The water inside the bucket rose to target her. She deviated the water with her chakra and dropped the bucket. The water ended up falling over a quietly drinking Nikato. He mumbled his displeasure, but they were too focussed on winning over the other to pay attention. Seeing himself ignored, Nikato left for a shower.

Gohama jumped backwards over the kitchen counter to get another layer of safety between herself. Hansuke was going all out in their playful quarrel. He moved towards her and she fled to the dining room again. Only he hadn't been after her, but after the wire inside the kitchen drawers. It was too late. Before she could make a run towards the living room, Hansuke had already pinned her down on the floor.

He gifted her one of his victorious smirks.

"This is no fun. You're a cheater, Suke-chan."

"You shouldn't disrespect your seniors, _dolly-chan_." he answered playfully, looking down on her from his triumphant standing position. The V-line of his jaw in the perfect spot for her to admire it.

Without another warning besides a boyish grin, Hansuke dropped the remaining water inside the bucket over her head. Even if the sudden jolt of cold water did truly bit her, Gohama made a show of gasping and twisting to distract him from her kunai laden hand, moving to cut the wire.

"Then, good thing we're equal now."

With those words, Gohama kicked his ankles hard, so he would fall. When Hansuke hit the ground, she locked him under her weight. Their situation made her suddenly aware of his bare and hard chest below her. He had goose bumps from the cold water.

"You have no water."

"I still have my soaking hair." She pulled her dark hair to the side and squeezed it so it would drip over Hansuke's face.

"Is that it?" he laughed. The rumble of it vibrating through his chest onto her skin.

She smirked. "I also have water nature."

"No ninjutsu."

Her hands snapped together with a smack, already in position for the seals. His own large hands moved to grip her wrists. They tugged and struggled and rubbed, trying to win over the other.

Realisation hit Hansuke and his eyes widened. "Gohama, no. Not that jutsu. You'll flood my home."

With renewed purposed he turned them over, and ended up straddling her hips. He managed to pin both her hands to the floor next to her head. But it was too late. They both panted from the exercise and the excitement. There was tension from the anticipation over the jutsu and the pull they both fell towards one another.

A freezing wave washed over both of them. They were under water for a moment, but neither broke their position. Hansuke had become so much nearer to her. His chest touched her own with the first deep breath they both took as the water flowed away. They shared a long look. Gohama felt a trill run down the length of her spine from the intensity in his hazel eyes. This was the point he would turn either way. She could feel his hesitation, but it was weaker than the other time. Maybe her being a jonin made things simpler. She didn't want to think about it, she couldn't leave space for thoughts now. Not when every nerve of her skin was sensitive to everything Hansuke. His chakra, his scent, his warmth.

With the tilt of his gaze to her lips, Hansuke made his decision. "Gohama. I'm going to kiss you." It came as a warning, but Gohama already knew.

Still, her pulse fastened under the grip of his hands at his words. His hair dripping over her face as he slowly leaned towards her. She closed her eyes, excitingly waiting for the feel of his parted lips. All her being ached for the taste of his lips on hers.

But then she sensed a chakra signature approaching, Kisamaru's chakra. Gohama jerked away from Hansuke. He stumbled ungracefully into his bottom and stared at her in confusion and hurt. Gohama gave him only and apologetic smile and glared at the sliding door leading to the backyard. That Hyuga would pay for interrupting them.

Who knew when the circumstances would fall into the perfect situation? Hansuke would never kiss her in a spontaneous gesture because he wanted to. He may want to in every moment with her, just as she wanted him. But he would only ever kiss her if their pull were so tantalising he couldn't not kiss her. And Gohama would never push him on it. She knew he wanted more than a kiss, more than sex, more than anything she could give him. So, she had reasoned with herself since that night on his engawa that she would never proposedly tempt him. But she was too weak to say no, if he said yes.

Kisamaru's head peeked inside at them. "Have you two stopped playing?" He said impatiently. "We need to start training. Nikato and I are leaving. Meet us there, okay? And who flooded the house, was it you, Gohama?"

"Maybe."

He left and so did the other chakra shadow on the backyard.

Gohama turned fearfully back to Hansuke, unsure of how he was reacting. "Do you think he saw us?" She asked a neutral question.

"No, I don't think he knows playing can have a not so innocent meaning." Hansuke joked.

Gohama laughed, a little in relief, seeing as he had no resent for her pushing him away.

"Don't laugh like that."

"Like what?"

"Like you're the happiest girl in the world for hearing my joke…"

"Do you prefer when I'm wallowing over the miseries of the world?"

"Obviously not. It's just that… Just forget it… We should go shower." She raised both eyebrows at him, with an amused glint to her eyes. "A separate shower, Gohama… Obviously…" he corrected with a light blush. "You can go first while I clean the mess you made. But before, do you want to talk about it?"

"About how once again you left me high and dry?" she accused playfully.

"This time you were the one that threw me away from you." He said with no accusation behind.

Gohama averted her eyes from him and asked quietly, "Would you have done it, this time?"

"Go shower, Gohama."

She stood up and pretended not to be hurt by his lack of an answer.

* * *

A quick hard punch grazed Gohama's cheek. She halted mid dodging to stare at her sparing mate with a quirked brow. "No bitch slap fighting, today?"

Hyuga sent her a glare at the lame mid-fight trash talk and attacked her again with regular taijustu. Before they could truly immerse themselves in their spar, a falcon called above them. The four of them looked up at the bird, flying against the clear sky, making out the codded sound.

"It's for you, Gohama." Kisamaru said first.

The falcon finished the summoning call and left. It was for her, but Gohama had no idea why. Her team was still on a leave and she hadn't gotten herself into any situation that would require Tsunade's intervention. With a shrug, she turned on heels, sent a goodbye wave over her shoulder and sped towards the Hokage Tower.

When she reached the door of Tsunade's office, a voice came from inside, "Come in."

She opened the door and two powerful chakra signatures flooded her senses. The Hokage, as always, sat behind her desk. Kakashi stood in the middle of the room, his spine straighter than usual. So, it wasn't a mission. Tsunade was actually going to approach their clash during the pre-selection and exam.

Gohama bowed at the neck. "Hokage-sama." she glanced over the man "Kakashi."

"Gohama, good you were fast. Unlike other jonin." She sent the Copy-nin a glare "Congratulations again."

"Thank you, Tsunade-sama."

"I know your leave was scheduled to end next week, but there's an important mission I need you to take. You will go with Kakashi."

Her brows rose in surprise. Tsunade was actually going to send her on a mission and with Hatake Kakashi. Had he been the one to ask for it, since he didn't trust her capacity for being jonin?

"Well, this is awkward." Gohama joked.

"I am aware of your… clash… during the Jonin pre-admission. But I hope you will be professional about it. Now, back to the briefing. This will be your first S-rank mission."

Gohama's heart jumped in excitement. She had dreamed of taking a thrilling and dangerous S-rank mission that would strain her abilities to the max. She never expected it to be so soon. Her ego accepted it gladly.

"However, this is not the typical type, it's a seduction mission."

Gohama hesitated. She had missions where she had to seduce men, but it had been something light and quick, just one of many possible ways of securing the success of a mission. Her purpose had never been to seduce and have sex with a target. The missions' name was a euphemism. They were usually reserved for ANBU.

Gohama was a virgin. She had never given much importance to romance and sex. It was simply a tool practical for her kunoichi's work. Gohama had never needed to use it all the way, so she had never needed to have sex. She wasn't naïve and romantic, she didn't really care about whom she lost her virginity to. She was completely open to the idea of using her sexuality as a tool, detached from any emotional tangles that usually came with it. Her body was a fighting tool and therefore it could also be a sexual one.

Still, when she heard Tsunade's words, a cold grip surrounded her guts and her indifference shattered slightly. Was she hesitant because of her lack of experience and possible liability? Or because of the idea of giving herself to someone else?

"Tsunade-sama, I don't think I'm the right kunoichi for this mission."

"Why not?"

"I'm a virgin." Gohama said stated matter-of-factly.

She had no restraints or embarrassments over the fact unlike other women and girls her age. She felt Kakashi's body tense up at her revelation.

"You are? I didn't expect that."

Gohama frowned. "Why not?"

"There's an air about you… I don't know." Tsunade dismissed her previous failed assessment with a shake of her head "I suppose I overlooked an important point. Well, you are essential for the mission, but I'm reluctant about forcing you into something like this."

"Essential how?"

"Well, you're the target's type. And I don't mean your physical appearance. I mean all of you as Kyura Gohama."

"So, he has heard about me and has a fascination?"

"Yes. A contact of ours said he expressed his interest repeatedly and eagerly."

The skin of her arms burst with goose bumps and a disgusted chill ran down her back. Not even her chakra shield could protect her from how dirty and exposed Gohama felt. There was nothing pleasing or praising about knowing a random man had a fetish about her.

"He'll suspect if I appear in front of him out of nowhere."

"Of course he will. But he'll take the risk, as I said he's very eager."

Kakashi shifting on his feet, captured her attention away from the tightening of her guts.

"What will Kakashi be doing there?"

"He's your handler, accompanying and supporting you in case things turn sour. There are few seduction missions taken solo and never an S-rank one."

"I assume the target is a high-level shinobi."

"Yes. You can find all the information we have on the mission scroll. But I have to warn you, he's violent; you do understand what I mean?"

"I'm a virgin not naïve."

"Yes. So, do you think you can take this mission?"

Even if her own body was betraying her, Gohama already knew where her mind was set. Ambition had always ruled over fear. She was a kunoichi of the Leaf now, her warrior duty asked her to take the mission, asked her to give that part of herself she had never cared much about. But maybe now was different… There was Hansuke and he made things different. She hadn't pushed for it because she would never put her desire above the safe dynamic of their relationship. As now she wouldn't put her self-preservation above a mission.

"Yes."

"Gohama, you don't have to accept the mission." Kakashi finally spoke beside her, his tone stern.

"You don't have a say on my decisions."

The faint sound of stretching fabric reached her ears. From the corner of her eyes, she searched for his hid hands, shoved deep in his pockets. "This mission. You don't understand what it's asking of you…"

Her gaze was focussed on the window in front of her, her own hands balling into fists by her sides. "You always say that when you coward away. 'You don't understand'. You always treat me like I'm a child too innocent, too protected. Unfortunately, that's not the case."

"Don't you see that's why I'm like this?"

She finally turned to him. "Then stop it!"

Kakashi continued to avoid looking at her. "If I do, you'll just push yourself to the limit. That's why I didn't want you to be a Jonin and I don't want to you take this mission."

"I don't care about what you want. This is my want, my duty."

"You say that. But this isn't about the good of the Village. This is about you, and you wanting to prove yourself."

"I don't need to prove myself to anyone, much less to you."

"It's not to me, nor to the Hokage or the Village. It's to you. You want to prove yourself to you."

Again, he hit the spot. How did he always know…? Gohama prided herself in her privacy. It was good for a ninja not to let others know you, especially your weaknesses. She had always tried to protect herself from others, it was safer this way, less painful and vulnerable. She couldn't handle how he read her and used that against her.

She turned towards Tsunade. "Considering the nature of this mission, I would be more comfortable if Hansuke accompanied me."

"I'm sorry, Gohama. But I can't break a full jonin team with so much demand. I trust Kakashi to do this. He's one of the best Konoha shinobi, if not the best. The target is of very high risk and this is your first mission as a jonin. Accepting, includes Kakashi as the team leader."

Gohama chuckled dryly. "I'm the one doing all the work, shouldn't I be team leader?"

"He's more experienced. Do you take the mission?"

"Don't take it, Gohama. Proving yourself this way will only shatter you more. It won't make you stronger."

"You do know your annoying begging will only make me want this more?"

"I know, but I have to try." he was resigned.

Tsunade waited to see if anyone would add another comment. The silence remained, with no less tension, cut only by Godaime's sigh. "Now, that the couple stopped fighting we can continue. The target his Dazai Kenta. He's a missing-nin from Mist. Ruthless and powerful. The scroll has what we know about him. You two are to go to Kiku, the gambling city. He lives there. You'll go as each other. You are to pretend you are there on business under my orders, after a mission nearby. Business being examining the city to see if it's worth my interest. Gohama you are to seduce him and assassinate him. All means necessary. Kakashi you are to protect Gohama…" Tsunade hesitated "…above the mission. The Village can't afford to lose her. Study the scroll together and chose the best approach. You leave tomorrow. Be careful, both of you. And don't kill each other. Now, get out."

With no hesitation, Gohama turned on her heels and left. She really didn't want to deal with Kakashi now. Once out of the Hokage's office, Kakashi, seeing her sneakily leave, managed grabbed her arm. "Gohama." she looked at him with the most annoyed glare she could muster. "If you need anything, I mean anything, from me, just ask."

Gohama shook him off and turned away. "Meet you by the gates. 6 am."

* * *

At her apartment, Gohama packed her things to leave. She had borrowed elegant dresses from the Jonin HQ gear room. The gear varied from any type of weapon to stiletto high heels, all left there from other jonin that didn't need them anymore. It was always risky considering the unknown origin of the garments, but Gohama didn't think clothes she would never wear again were worth her money. Still, Dazai would be in a luxurious casino, if she wanted to stand out she would need to dress beautifully.

While mentally ticking everything to pack, she tried to keep her mind away from the mission. After reading the scroll, a nervous agitation had settled in her stomach. It was her first S-rank mission, her first as a jonin. She couldn't fail. But Dazai was the most powerful man she ever had to kill. He would be suspicious. He would do everything to fuck her without endangering himself. To fuck her… he was a sadist. How could she deal with that? Gohama couldn't stand getting her ass kicked on a fight, much less in bed. The vulnerability and helplessness she would feel… she could already sense their bitter taste.

It was okay. Her summoning weapons ability was perfect for this type of missions. She could kill him before he even touched her. Taking someone to their own bed was already letting the guard down. She could pretend to be caressing him and then slit his throat. Yes. She could do this. She wouldn't let him beat her up and dominate her. It was one of her simplest missions if she thought about it. She wouldn't have to do much seducing, considering he was already horny for her. That was his weakness and she would prey on it. She had the upper hand, she was in control.

Then why wouldn't this uneasiness leave her? Why was it only getting heavier as the hours passed? Was she actually afraid? Of the threat of Danzai or of losing her virginity to him? She had never cared about it. She had never tried to save herself for anyone. It just had never happened because she hadn't been interested in sex. Still, she was afraid Danzai would murder sex for her. 'You don't understand what it's asking of you…' she remembered Kakashi's words. He was, unfortunately, right. She didn't know what it would mean and do to her. She had never cared about it, so she had never contemplated what sex meant to her. Before Hansuke, it was just a tool. But now… After that morning, after that night on his engawa, that day by the river back, all their little touches were a promise of something greater. Gohama wanted Hansuke.

Her heart sank.

No. She was becoming sentimental. Her body was a tool, sex was a tool, she was a tool. She had to be rational and practical. She couldn't mourn after an insipid first time. There would come others, some good, some bad. What did it matter if the first was with a murderous, disgusting missing-nin she didn't even know?

What if Hansuke would stop wanting her after what she had done? What if he would see her differently, dirty and worn? She was being irrational again. She chuckled with disdain. This was what emotions did. They created doubts and complicated things. She had to be stoic. She was stoic, so she wouldn't let herself crumble. Not before her first jonin mission.

Now, she would go to bed, tomorrow would be a long travelling day.

It was two in the morning, four hours had passed and she couldn't fall asleep. The fear and anxiety were becoming unbearable. She couldn't keep her mind blank. Dazai and Hansuke, even Kakashi, kept floating into her thoughts. She had to have sex. She had to know what it was like before sleeping with Dazai. She had no experience. The man would see this right away. He would probably ravish himself on the idea of being his fetish's first, but what if she couldn't please him? What if he wanted to stop having sex before she could kill him? She kept shivering at the thought of laying with that man. It felt repulsive and she was just imagining it.

Her breathing became uneven, her heart ready to make a break from her chest. Kakashi, with his parting words, had basically offered to take her virginity. The prospect was much better than Dazai. She already knew he kissed well, she had liked kissing him, maybe too much. However, she knew whom she wanted. Now, she longed for him more than ever. She trusted him with her life. It was difficult to admit she had actually let herself trust, but she did. She wanted to trust her body to him too.

Could Gohama really ask him that? She had already reasoned with herself that she would only take what Hansuke gave freely. But now she would have to ask him. Could she ask him that? And if he said no… It would her hurt her and she hated herself for that. But Gohama couldn't hesitate, she couldn't be weak. Not now. She knew she would regret not trying. She wanted Hansuke to be her first.

* * *

Gohama reached his home. She could sense his chakra shadow on the dining table. She sighed in both relief and apprehension, he was alone, she had no excuse. She slid his door open and shyly leaned against the doorframe of his dining room. He was writing something, probably reports and still hadn't noticed her.

"Hansuke." she whispered.

He lifted his head and smiled at her. Even if it had been small, the comfort just from seeing his smile was there.

"The sneakiness of a jonin. What are you doing here? Is that Toshi?" he pointed to the aquarium she had under her arm.

"Can you take care of him?"

"Of course." He assured softly. "So you're leaving for a mission."

"In the morning."

"The Hokage couldn't wait to put you on the field. It doesn't surprise me. Rank?"

"S…"

His eyes widened, but there was also concern in them. "S? So soon… I don't know if I like it. Who's going with you?"

"Hatake Kakashi."

"That's a bit reassuring, at least…" He never asked her what the mission was. An S-rank was always confidential, but it would be so much easier if he asked and she answered. Gohama didn't want to take initiative.

His scrutinizing gaze was heavy on her skin, it made goose bumps break all over her arms and back. Gohama tried to appear blank, but she knew he already knew she was nervous, she could never fool him.

"Why are you standing there, come in. I'll make some tea."

She approached him and sat next to him, setting the bowl on the dining table. Taking particular interest in Toshi's motions across the water. "It's okay, you don't need to make tea. I just want to ask you something." she forced a casual tone.

"What's wrong? Is it Kakashi? I know it may be hard to—"

"No, it's not Kakashi."

He brushed his knuckles, feather lightly, against her arm. "You can talk to me, Gohama."

She kept her eyes on the fish, while her hands smoothed over the already perfectly polished, although scratched table. Her heart was pounding. She was sure he could hear it. "The mission. It's a seduction mission… Have you ever taken one?"

"I did. But only in ANBU when I had no choice."

That made her head snap up to him. Hansuke had been fifteen in the year he had left ANBU. "What? You were just a kid."

"Some men like that…" The sad tilt to his voice combined with his eyes made her heart clench.

Gohama squeezed his hand and he moved to intertwine his fingers with hers. She kept her gaze on them. He had taken missions with men when he was just a kid and she was afraid… She felt pathetic and sick.

"You shouldn't have accepted it. You can still go back. Is that why you're here?"

"No." she said assertively. "I want to do it." Want was a strong word, she didn't desire it, but she had to. As a Konoha shinobi she wanted to follow her duty. Dazai was almost untouchable, she was the only who could sneak into one of the few crevices in his defense.

"Then why did you come?" The dreaded question asked for the dreaded answer.

"Kakashi said something and I can't stop thinking about it. He said I didn't understand what it was asking of me. And I don't…. or at least I didn't… and maybe I understand now… After thinking. I never thought much about sex." Hansuke's hand tensed against hers. "I saw it only as a tool. But now I don't know anymore… It's still a tool, but it can also be something more… And… and now I don't know where I was going with this…"

"Look at me, Gohama." He used a finger to coax her chin up. "What do you want to tell me?"

That she wanted to have sex with him, really really wanted to.

"I'm still a virgin." His eyes widened at her bluntness and his finger dropped away from her face. "Why are you so surprised?"

"I'm just surprised that's what you wanted to tell me…" His hand, still holding hers, was getting damp and his cheeks had turned pinkish. She couldn't read what he thought about her lack of experience. "Kakashi is right. The mission is asking more of you than you can understand."

"Well…That's why I came here…" She said hesitantly. Gohama sounded like a kid talking to her crush. "Hansuke… I want you to have sex with me." Real smooth, Gohama.

He gasped and got up, turning his back on her. He passed a trembling hand through his light locks and let out a deep sigh. His reaction stung.

"Please don't freak out and try to understand…"

"You can't ask that of me…" his voice was strained. "You can still say no to the mission."

"You don't understand, do you?" She could already feel her outrage bubbling in her chest, as it always did. "I'll do this mission whether I sleep with you first or not."

"Then why are you asking me this?"

"Would you actually let me give my virginity away to some raping unknown guy…?" She couldn't mask the hurt out of her voice.

She felt his chakra sway but he didn't answer. Gohama could feel herself crumbling, being torn apart by his no. She had been afraid of this and she had been right. But it hurt more than she had thought it would. Why was she so sentimental about this? It was reasonable of him to say no… Her hope faded away. She turned away to leave.

"Where are you going?"

"I don't know…"

"Gohama… I…" There was a pleading note to his voice.

She didn't care about any of this. She would take the mission and let Danzai be her first and fuck her hard, she would kill him and then come back. It would crush her, but she was used to it. She no longer cared, she just wanted the pain to come and settle. Anticipation was the worst part.

He grasped her wrist before she could walk farther away. And then he laced his fingers with hers as he had done before. She gave him a hopeful look over her shoulder. His gaze had gained an intensity that wasn't there before, but she could still see the no marked there.

"I thought you wanted me." her soft voice left in a whisper.

Hansuke pulled her towards him and she relished in the feel of his chakra rippling against her skin, of his masculine and safe scent. This time there wasn't the overwhelming exhilaration of that morning, just the comfortable warmth and steady presence. He tilted her head to look at him.

"Gohama…" he exhaled "I want you. More than anything. But I can't do it. Not like this…"

"Why is it different?"

"I feel like I'll be taking advantage of you…"

"I'm the one asking. I'm the one taking advantage of your pity."

"I don't pity you, Gohama. I… I care about you. I don't want you to take this mission, not out of jealousy, but because I know how it will hurt you. So, please give it up…"

"You know I won't. Hansuke… I wouldn't want to sleep with you just because of the mission. I have all of Konoha men for that. I came here because I want you."

She felt his hands curl in her hair. "Don't say that…" he hissed against her forehead and the tingles his lips left on her skin made her stomach flutter.

His voice was strained again. When he looked down at her again, his gaze had shifted, the same has it had done those times before. Gohama laid her hands on his chest.

"Hansuke. I want you to be my first."

* * *

_I think I should talk a little about that deeper glimpse of Gohama's perception of her relationship with Kisamaru. Her companionship with Kisamaru is mostly seen in light of their relations as Hyuga and Kyura; even if at heart it is more about two teammates that find company in each other. With this I tried to show that Gohama isn't Gohama without being a Kyura first. Her identity was built inside that Kyura box, so her relationship __with the world is ruled and molded by that. Hansuke is the one that can sometimes bring her out of that box._


	25. III - Chapter 5

Part III | Chapter 5

* * *

Of course it was almost 8 am and Kakashi was nowhere to be found. Gohama hadn't expected anything different and yet his lack of consideration still annoyed her. She would have arrived at the gates at least an hour late, but she had woken up to early that day, even before the night had ended. She had been faced with the possibility of lying next to Hansuke, doing nothing besides staring at his sleeping face and overthinking over last night. Or the possibility of sitting around in her apartment doing nothing besides overthinking over the man. Or entertain her thoughts while strolling around the Village away from the alluring cause of her overthinking.

She had decided for the later and left the warmth of his bed, not forgetting to say goodbye to her goldfish. Still, nothing in the quietness of dawn attracted her rebellious mind away from Hansuke's sheets. Her mind wandered aimlessly in its considerations and memories, but at least Gohama had sealed up the paths for thoughts about what she felt.

Now, she had ended her walk on a rooftop near the gates. The morning commotion still doing little to ease her hyperactive mind. The particular sound of Izumo and Kotestu bickering with each other rose above the murmur of Konoha's people. Gohama gave one last look at the blank sky and jumped from the roof, landing beside the entrance post and leaning her against a wooden pole.

The two chunin tried to hide their startle at her sudden appearance. "You'll get yourself killed one of these days, Gohama." Izumo admonished.

She crossed her arms and sighed in dismay. "So little faith in my reflexes."

"Yeah, Izumo, so little faith in our village's new jonin." Izumo sent his partner an unimpressed glare and whispered an insult at his flattery, which Kotetsu decided to ignore. "How's Nikato doing?" he asked with an amused tone "Last we saw he was doing the knife game without even holding his head up."

"I'm sure you weren't doing any better with all the declarations of love to a sake bottle. Lovely verses."

Kotetsu blushed behind the white band on his nose and Izumo laughed beside him. To mask his embarrassment he turned to his laughing partner and returned to bickering with him.

After both of them calmed down, Izumo looked down on his catalogue. "Going on a mission?"

Kotetsu looked down at the entry and exits catalogue and raised back up to pout playfully at her. "And here I was thinking you came just for our company."

It fascinated Gohama how the two of them always referred to themselves as us. Everyone in Konoha, and she wasn't above them, wondered if the two of them were lovers. Sure, their chemistry was more brotherly than romantic and they did date women, but their connection of two in one insinuated something more than friendship. Either way no one could deny the mastery of their complicity in battle. They were one joint mind with the power of two. And, as long as they were useful to the Village, people didn't condemn whatever went behind closed doors. The gossip rings relished on imagined novels but, apart from some vicious people who had a twisted pleasure in that, there was no censure in the rumoured words.

Gohama had come to them in search for an entertaining company while she rotted in wait for Kakashi. "Sorry to disappoint." She said with a sweet smile.

"We're not disappointed, we're hurt." Kotetsu said with a kicked puppy look and a hand to his heart.

"Very hurt." Izumo deadpanned. "So, it's good to know your teammate is Kakashi-sempai, you'll grow old and wrinkly before he reaches the gates."

Kotetsu gave him a slap behind the head. "So resentful."

With that mocking comment, the two were back at bickering. Gohama let out a small chuckle and a wave over her shoulder, even if they wouldn't catch it. "See you, guys." Who knew if she could see them again? There was no point in dwelling on that pessimistic question. Even if it rose from her thoughts before every mission.

Gohama turned her back to Konoha and walked through the massive gate. A presence reached her side and matched her steps, one she had already sensed moments ago. "Yo." He tilted his head to the side in consideration and hummed. "Yes, I can definitely see some crow's feet there." He pointed to the corner of her eye.

"Not surprising, considering the time."

"Ah." He exclaimed while brushing the back of his neck, not straying from the theatre piece he always played. "I'm sorry to keep you waiting until you grew old and wrinkly, Gohama, but there was this old woman who had lost her pet frog begging for me to use my pack to find her only friend. How could I ever deny her, being a shinobi of Konoha, who swore to serve its people?"

"Mm. Did you at least find the frog?"

"One of my ninken did. Basan thanked him with some meat and me a pat on the cheek." He answered with a boyish grin.

"It's a good thing when an S-rank shinobi can also be the friendly neighbourhood Copy-nin."

Even if it was obvious Gohama was joking, Kakashi sobered at her words. "It's our duty to fight for a safe and happy home for everyone, in and out of the walls."

She had nothing to answer, Gohama wouldn't joke about that.

Kakashi paused and waved to the Village with his head. "You can still turn back."

"You're too predictable for a ninja."

He sighed and said with no hint behind his words "I knew you wouldn't listen to me. So, I guess I'm not the only predictable one.

"That's not being predictable, it's being true to my commitments."

"Of course, the honourable Kyura."

Gohama would normally show her displeasure at words like his, but her indulgent mood that day allowed him to slide. "You should learn with me, Hatake."

Kakashi didn't answer, didn't react in any way, besides taking his _Icha Icha_ out of his back pouch and opening it on a dog-eared page. They walked in silence. Gohama preferred to run, but Kakashi probably wanted to enjoy the easy pace for reading before reaching the edge of Konoha's forest. She wouldn't deny him that, so Gohama closed her eyes and tilted her head up to the sun, relying on her other senses to keep her on a safe path.

When her cheeks turned uncomfortably warm, she moved back to look at the dirt road in front of her, allowing herself a glance towards Kakashi. After how strained things were between them, Gohama had worried over how it could influence the mission. But now she was surprised their silence wasn't awkward or tense. If it weren't for his strong, unmasked chakra always tingling her side, Gohama could almost forget he was there. Which was a rare thing with people, only Kisamaru had that ability. While traveling through this line of thoughts, Gohama noticed he hadn't read a single page of his opened _Icha Icha_. Well, maybe one as the dog-ear was now turned down against the right side of the book. She tried to study his face but from her side there was only the navy of a mask and hitai-ate.

"It's never reassuring when the team leader worries, you know."

"Who said I was worried?" he asked with his usual bored tone.

"You haven't changed a page on your book. You're either thinking about the mission or continuously reading a sex scene. Whatever the case, you should stop."

"It's the latter. And I'm too entertained to stop."

"Then read it—"

"Do you have a thing for me reading you smut out loud?"

"—unless you're lying and aren't even in the right page."

He closed his book with a snap. "You're too young, the cover says 18 up." He pointed to the restriction warning on the back.

"And yet I'm old enough to whore myself for a kill." She quipped with a blank tone. It was crude, but too fitting to let slide.

Kakashi tensed up and didn't answer. What could he say to that? Tell her he had warned her before? It wasn't in his nature. The moment they had left Konoha's gates they were on a mission and on a mission shinobi didn't regret taking them, that could only come after, and they never turned back.

She let out a delighted sigh. "There's a strange joy in making people uncomfortable."

His short chuckle had a hint of relief. "You're cruel." he shook his head and exhaled heavily "I fell right into that one."

"Thank you for that."

Once they reached the edge of the Konoha forest, they started running on the trees.

* * *

Gohama finished picking up the small, but extremely annoying stones away from her designated sleeping space. With a tired sigh more out of boredom than physical weariness, she sat on her kneels and pulled her bedroll from her pack. Behind her, she felt the small spike of chakra and the warmth of fire embraced her back. Satisfied with her sleeping arrangements, Gohama scrutinized her work and gave a few more straightening pats to her bedroll.

"Never took you for a picky princess."

Gohama snapped her head up to Kakashi who was thoroughly amused at her antics and his insult. "Don't ask me to take care of your kinks when you wake up."

His amusement turned into mischief, always mixed with that blasé away of being. "I usually prefer my kinks to be taken care of before falling asleep." Even if his tone hadn't been suggestive that impish gleam in his dark eye was enough.

"Please don't quote _Icha Icha_ when I'm alone with you in some lost forest."

He started laying his bedroll right next to hers. "Don't worry, I'd never offend your virtue, Gohama."

He frowned slightly at the implication of his words in the context of her mission. But she didn't let him dwell long, following him on his attempt at irritating her.

"What are you doing?" She pulled the bedroll away from that too close spot. "This is my space."

Kakashi pulled it back onto his hold and continued to set the bedroll down. "I'm sure you don't own this patch of land, so you have no right to monopolise the spot with softest ground." He said innocently and gave her an eye-crinkled smile "This way there no kinks to be taken care of."

"If you as much as lay a finger beyond this line," Gohama said lightly and smiling, while drawing a barrier on the dirt with her feet. "I'll cut your whole hand."

He raised his hands in surrender. "Are you always this neurotic with your team?"

"My team is my team." Seeing her simple answer settled things, Gohama sat beside the fire Kakashi had lit. "I'm not cooking."

He followed her there. "If you want to eat something other than burnt residue, you should."

"You can't trick me, Copy-nin. You're the type of person that has to excel at anything you do."

"I don't know if you're complimenting or insulting me."

"I'll let you choose."

Kakashi put the water to boil and when the steam and bubbles rose from the pot, he dumped the noodles there. All as sloppily as he could. He served her first and Gohama stared at the bland ration noodles inside her bowl. No one could make those taste good.

"We should discuss the mission." Kakashi's team leader voice completely replacing his typical bored drawl.

"What is there to discuss? Are you going to teach me about the birds and the bees?"

He just watched his chopsticks playing around with the food. He wouldn't try to eat if she was looking at him. "I can. If that helps."

"How old were you? I know that Hansuke was at most fifteen."

"It doesn't matter."

"It helps."

"Fourteen."

"You were a child…"

He chuckled bitterly. "I had been killing for years. Age means nothing when at war."

Gohama was still a toddler when the war had ended. She remembered nothing but the scars it had left on her people. Scars she had been too young to understand truly. Uncle Tsukate had left for the monastery after the war. "How many since then?"

"More than it is healthy."

"I bet you look good under that mask."

"You now know what awaits you if you ever join ANBU."

"It wouldn't stop me."

"I know."

"Does the Village still send kids on these missions?"

"Not anymore." He finally raised his eyes from his bowl of food to hers. "But it still sends virgins."

"I'm not a virgin."

He raised his brows in surprise and quickly sobered. "It will still break you."

"I didn't lose it to ease this. Even when I was rejected and I didn't crawl away to accept your offer."

"So you are still a virgin." His tone had gained some his teasing back.

"Have a little faith in my charm, Hatake."

"I wouldn't be here if I didn't have."

"By the way Tsunade spoke of Dazai I don't think it really matters."

"We can test that theory. You can play an obnoxious brat." Definitely back to his laidback joking.

"That's impossible for me. I'm just that likable. It would be better to just dress your sweaty and worn clothes."

"That's not nearly enough." Gohama blushed as her mind took his innocent comment as a compliment, and looked down at her dinner. "Maybe if you dye your hair you won't look so Kyura-like."

"Are you trying to sabotage my mission?" she asked playfully.

"When you succeed you'll steal all the good ones away." he said with a smile.

When. Not if.

"I know what you're doing." She bit out.

He looked confused at her sudden mood change. "What?"

"Being all nice to me. I don't need it. Besides, the bantering isn't fun."

She rose and walked away from the fire.

"Gohama, where are you going?"

"For a walk. Don't worry, I'm not running away."

She moved away from camp, towards the stream, sitting down by its bank. It was a Fire stream. The water not nearly as cold as Snow ones, not nearly as clean. Still, the sound of the running water was enough to calm her slightly. Her heart hadn't stopped rushing with its pounds and her guts kept flinching nervously. Kakashi's niceness made things worse. There was no need for him to change his ways in an attempt to sooth her. It didn't sooth her, it irritated her. It only made the impending mission more real. The man didn't have a middle term, he either chose to hinder her life or tried (and failed) to ease it.

And Hansuke… Sleeping with him had opened her to a whole new thing, a wonderful thing. It didn't help her. She didn't regret it, she could never regret it. But maybe it was better if she hadn't had such an intimate and loving first time. Hansuke had been safe, passionate and tender. Gohama had begun seeing her body differently. The cold indifference for her sexuality had started to fade. It was dangerous. Her body was only a tool. She had to preserve that moto. But the thought of Dazai touching her disgusted her more than ever. Her stomach raged in anticipation.

Again, treacherous sentimentality. Yes, her body could also be a source of passion and pleasure, but that was a separate dimension of it. Gohama had to divide the personal dimension of sex and the professional one. She could do that.

A bitter laugh gurgled out of her. How pathetic. Hansuke and Kakashi had been kids with old men. They passed through it like one passes through a tough fight. It was no different. The same vulnerability and undesirable touch. Minus crushed limbs and cut skin, of course. So, it had to be easier to endure. It was just like a fight. How cowardly, how frail of her to be anxious. Kakashi was right to treat her that way. How she hated when he was right.

Gohama was overthinking again. And she scolded herself for not ruling over her thoughts. As she lay down on the bank, she focussed on the familiar sounds of the forest. There was a chilly breeze and leaves lulled in the trees. The cicadas buzzed around her and owls hooted. A difference in the environment made her snap out. Another chakra shadow appeared. A small one, a dog.

She groaned in irritation. "Tell daddy I'm all grown up and don't need babysitting." her voice broke the serenity of the night.

She heard the soft steps of the dog patting away, until they suddenly stopped. A heavy sigh travelled to her and he returned towards her. The ninken sat next to her. It was a pug.

"He told me you would notice me right away and that I should watch out for shuriken and kunai."

The deepness of his voice surprised her and she turned an inspecting eye on him. He had an expression so humanly grumpy she couldn't help but laugh to herself. The Konoha hitai-ate around his head and vest with a Henohenomoheji only completed the absurd image.

"You're doing his dirty work."

"He's the boss…"

"Why did he even send you?"

"He didn't want to invade your privacy."

"You're here."

"While still making sure you were safe, Gohama."

"You know my name."

"Well, yes, I helped track you when you were kidnapped and I don't forget a scent." He demonstrated by sniffing the air.

She glanced over him and smiled gratefully. "Thank you, …"

"Pakkun." he looked at her quizzically and asked "Can I at least stay here with you? Kakashi said he would give me more treats if I did." She laughed. Pakkun had called him the boss, but he still had to bribe his summons. "I'll even let you touch my paws." He raised his fluffy, cute paw to her with the most solemn expression, as if presenting a precious honour. In truth, Gohama really wanted to touch them.

"Sure. I like dogs."

"Do you have any?" He lay his paw on her belly and she promptly let her fingers enjoy the softness and furriness of it.

"We used to have six, we would hunt together." She really missed them.

"What breeds?"

"All husky. I'm from the Snow Country, they could hold the cold and push a sled. They also played and were smart and liked petting." she chuckled caringly at her memories "I was basically brought up by my dogs and wolves."

"I don't know about wolves."

"They are my clan's summons."

"You should go with ninken, Gohama."

"Maybe." She answered without any commitment behind.

"Can you summon?"

"No, I never did learnt it."

"Why? Tracking summons are always useful and good for company. I didn't know what would have been of Kakashi if we hadn't been around to push some sense into that thick head."

"Well, when I was back in my Village, the wolf I wanted to sign a bond with was Father's so I couldn't do it. That's how it works for us, you bond with one wolf and one wolf bonds with you. Then, when he was finally free, I couldn't do it. I wasn't ready to…" Gohama caught up to the words she let out of her mouth so easily and turned a nervous glance at Pakkun. "Will you report to Kakashi our little conversation?"

"If you don't want to…" He answered hesitantly.

"Thank you. I'm talking because I want to talk to you."

The droopy eyes of the pug lit up and he shook his tail. Gohama patted her lap and Pakkun jumped onto it. It reminded her of when, as a child, she scooted beside her dogs and used their thick fur as a blanket. Now, all she had to keep her company was a fish. She liked Toshi, he was a living thing and the frail chakra he emitted enough to remind her of his presence, but he wasn't a dog or a wolf. The connection was one-sided and the companionship empty.

So, Gohama stroked lightly over the brown fur of Pakkun and enjoyed the familiar and cosy warmth of a dog. She fell asleep without even noticing, into the peaceful rest of a child.

* * *

They had been walking in silence for a few hours now. There was little need to rush on their journey to Kiku. Kakashi wanted to enjoy the good Fire weather while it lasted and the peaceful forest. ANBU had been doing a good job of keeping the Land of Fire safe from missing nin and bandits. He let his mind wander while his eyes indifferently traced the letters of his book. He hadn't been in the mind-set to read about the detailed and fervent escapades of the main character.

Instead, he thought of his conversation with Pakkun while Gohama had been bathing in the stream. Kakashi was surprised to learn that she had easily accepted his presence, after the initial wariness. This explained why he had found Pakkun curled up on top of her stomach and both of them asleep. For someone that had spent too long minutes tidying up their sleeping space, Gohama looked strangely comfortable and rested. It had almost been an endearing picture.

Kakashi knew how difficult Gohama could be. She enjoyed being alone and, especially before a seduction mission, he understood her need of that, hence why he had sent Pakkun and let her be. His ninken had said they talked a bit and that she was easy to talk to. The man had laughed at this. Gohama had mastered the ability to evade meaningful conversations. She was perfect at bantering and terrible at talking. Kakashi admired her capacity for talking about herself and still not letting anything of herself be known.

And strangest of all, Pakkun had liked her. Only people who had spent more than a few times with Gohama could get pass their unfavourable first impression. People usually didn't like Gohama. Their interest was drawn towards her because she was a found relic from a powerful and tragic past. But they didn't like her. Unlike people, Pakkun seemed to have liked his first impression of the Kyura. So much so he refuse to share their conversation at the price of treats and massages.

Without lifting his eye from his book, Kakashi asked with his best uninterested voice. "So you and Pakkun got along well. What did you talk about?"

"Why do you even care?"

"Making up conversation."

"You never make up conversation."

She had him there. "Do you like him?"

"He's a talking dog, what's not to like?"

She had him there again. Every single ninken in his pack was adorable. "You used to have one, didn't you? Ruka, or something like that."

As he felt her tense up and her chakra wave ominously, Kakashi realised he hadn't taken a good risk.

"Seriously?" Gohama let out, more bitterly than angrily. "You're going with one of the memories Konoha ripped out of me?"

"Sorry." He asked quietly.

"How do you even remember that? It was like a year ago."

"The Yamanaka jutsu makes you live the memory. I can't just forget them." Even if he wished he had.

"And yet you forgot the most important piece of information. Riku's name. A disappointment Copy-nin, the great Kakashi of the Sharingan, the genius of Konoha—"

Trust Gohama to deviate the way of a conversation with banter. He gladly followed it.

"I'm starting to think you actually admire me."

"Maybe I would, if I didn't know you in person."

"So kind." he said dryly.

Kakashi was ready to jump onto the tree branches and break some of the tension by running, when she called him. "Kakashi?"

"Hm."

"Since when does Tsunade have this mission prepared?"

Of course, she had realised it. The carelessness of Tsunade concerning Gohama had frustrated him. Yes, Dazai's new known weakness was precious. He was a great liability to the Daimyo and Konoha and almost untouchable. However, Gohama didn't have to be thrown into the wolves with such indifference.

"She knew about the information for some time." She sent him a demanding glare. "A few months ago."

"Ah, so she was waiting for me to become a Jonin."

"First, she wanted to pass it as A-rank so you could take it as a chunin."

Gohama settled a suspicious look on him. "My strength didn't improve that much, why did you convince her to make it S-rank?"

"Why do you think it was me?"

"Who else."

"It _is_ an S-rank mission."

"Is this why you decided to persecute me during the pre-admission and exam?"

So, she was finally bringing that up. He shoved his hands into his pockets. "I didn—"

Gohama let out an exasperated snarl. "Don't you even dare try to deny it! What's your fucking problem with me, Kakashi?"

She was angry with him again. She couldn't understand his position. He watched with his typical impassive expression as her chakra grew more menacing. "It had nothing to do with you personally, but as a Konoha nin. No need to be so self-centred."

Her chakra deflated. "Why do you always have patronise me? Just tell me what is it that is so fucking weak about me that I can't take this mission?"

The self-doubting tone stabbed right through him. Her insecurities were being projected on his motives. Why couldn't she see her undeniable strength, not just as a shinobi, but through the hardships of her life? Why couldn't he tell her that?

"I've been through this. I know what it takes from people."

"You were only fourteen."

"And I had just lost my best friends. I had just lost everything and it still took away a lot." he moved to grip both of her arms, maybe force into that stubborn head of hers what he was saying. "Things I didn't even know I had." His voice had taken his stern, commanding tone.

"Why are you telling me this?" She fought against his hold on her. "There's no turning back."

"You don't have to sleep with Dazai." He fingers tightened against her arms, calling her to his proposal. "We can kill him like a normal mission."

"No we can't. That's why this is a seduction mission." Her frustration made her push him away with the help of chakra. "Just have a little faith in my endurance."

"I have more than enough faith in your endurance, that doesn't mean I want to see you hurt."

"Why do you even care?"

It was always that question she threw at him – why do you even care? – It mocked him every time.

"Tsukate would want someone to look out for you."

Gohama sent him a terrifying glare at the mention of her uncle. "Yeah, right... I know it's not just that. There's something else. That night we kissed, there was something about your look I didn't understand. And then you rambled about guilt and it was so clear. Why are you so guilty around me? What are you trying to account for?"

"Well, I did choke you."

"It's not that. I know there's something more."

"Gohama..." A mix of a warning and plea.

"I'll find out the truth eventually."

Kakashi's heart started pounding. His hands were turned damp, stinking to the fabric of his gloves, and he moved one back to a pocket. The other pulled Icha Icha out of his pouch and opened it on a random page. Without a glance her away, he jumped onto the tree branches. The warm air of the forest shallower in his lungs.

There was no answer he could give. He could not lie to her and he could not tell her the truth. The truth… They were shinobi in a shinobi world, there was no truth. The truth was whatever advantaged the most powerful. Reality was sustained by a game of power and influence. To a child two and two were three if their father told them so. And they lived out their lives according to two and two being three, just because their father had told them that was how it was.

The truth was what Gohama and the rest of the world had been told it was. Maybe someday Gohama would become more powerful than the most powerful and then she would find a more truthful truth. And then what?

When she had first asked for asylum, he feared she would bring complications. It was one of the heaviest drawbacks about taking her in. Kakashi hadn't wanted her in the Leaf. Only the letter from Tsukate had opened him to her presence. He had been apprehensive about keeping an eye on her because of the havoc her presence would bring to him. When he grew into her distant safeguarding, pushed by his loyalty to her uncle, it was because he saw in her redemption. His worry wasn't pure, it was stained with torment and guilt and selfishness. Gohama didn't deserve that. Gohama didn't deserve his overprotectiveness, his almost patronising for the sake of redeeming himself. He knew she could take care of herself. He admired her strength and endurance. And still, Kakashi could never stop seeing in her that child's green eyes, terrified and lost.

* * *

Even after establishing their camp for the night and having dinner, the shinobi barely exchanged words. There was tension and anxiety between them. Not even playful teasing could break it. They didn't know how to deal with it and they didn't want to talk about it. After dinner, they settled by the fire. Kakashi took a small bottle of scotch from his bag. He poured it in her glass without even asking.

"Here. If scotch can't help us, then we're doomed."

Gohama chose not to comment that last time they had drunk on camp, they were ambushed by a group of missing nin. Instead, she accepted the alcohol without acknowledging Kakashi. She felt the warm and burning liquid drip down her throat and sighed in pleasure. Kakashi smiled at her delight and she ignored him. He seemed glad she was glad. Gohama settled for watching the flames flow and the rising sparks flicker.

Fire was mesmerizing. Gohama finally understood fire as a sensual symbol. Humanity had always used it as a comparison for desire and passion. Gohama had always thought it was a romanticism meant to entertain people, meant to flourish the flatness of people's lives. For the first time, she was glad she was wrong.

A wistful smile escaped her lips. What would Hansuke be doing now? She hoped he wasn't on a mission. She hoped he was thinking about her, just as she couldn't keep herself from thinking about him, about their night together. She missed his tender touch and passionate kisses. She missed the new feel of him throbbing in desire. She missed how he filled her so perfectly, painful at first and then all pleasure. His calming and heated voice. The sound he made as he came.

Those three whispered words…

They made her heart flutter in wonder and unease. He was her team leader, he was her friend. She lusted for him. She didn't want a romantic relationship with him. Could they go back to the way things were? After sleeping together, after this seduction mission… Her desire had only grown more eager now that she had had him. They couldn't have sex again. He was her superior and having sex would complicate their relationship.

Gohama was afraid of hurting him. She had asked too much of Hansuke that night and yet she couldn't regret it; she hoped he didn't too. She knew she couldn't give him what he wanted. She had known he cared and wanted her. But love… It was terrifying and exhilarating. She felt cruel for enjoying being loved without loving back. She cared for him and was drawn to him but it wasn't love. Her love had died with her Village, she could only love dead people, her dead people. But if Gohama could ever love someone, it would be Hansuke. She would hurt him so ruthlessly. Maybe he could understand. Hansuke knew her.

Hansuke… she had been made to say his name.

"You can't stop thinking about him."

Kakashi's comment broke her from her mesmerized contemplation. She turned her eyes towards him and felt the blurriness of alcohol. She had been drinking without realising and he had kept filling her glass. The bottle was almost empty. She felt relief when she saw the glitter in his eyes and blush of his cheeks. He had drank as much as she had.

"Who?"

"The one you slept with." she didn't answer and turned back to the fire "Was it that good? No one's first time is good. I can't wait to see who your secret boyfriend is."

"I won't have a boyfriend when I come back."

"Why not?"

"Do you actually think I'm the relationship type?"

"Why not?" She answered with a humph. "Boyfriend or not, who is he?"

"He's a person."

"That's narrowing. Is he more handsome than me?"

She turned towards him and examined his one droopy eye, reddened from the alcohol. The only patch of Kakashi she could actually see. "I couldn't say. I've never seen your face."

"Wrong answer. You should always say yes to comparisons."

"I won't take advices from a chronic bachelor."

"I'm only one by choice."

"We both know it's because you're an unbearable ass."

"An unbearably attractive ass. I've been voted the best ass in Konoha by all Jonin."

"Your greatest achievement in life."

"Yes, I am very proud. Now stop deviating the interrogation."

"Why do you even care?"

"I'm curious to know who caught the great Kyura heiress eye. I'll start saying some names and you'll nod when the right one comes up."

"Leave the poor man alone."

"Man, hmm?" he quirk an eyebrow "So he's older."

"Is it possible you're so bored over Icha Icha you started to take an interest in my sex life?"

"Definitely older. Is it Genma?"

"Yes."

"Poor guy… You know, Gohama, he really took a hit to his ego when you played him for drinks."

"He was being very smug about the way I played you on the pre-admission. You should thank me."

"Thank you, Go-chan, for defending my honour after I choked you."

She laughed and he smiled. "That was a weird day."

"That was an off day for me. I think I was on my period…"

Gohama shoved his shoulder at his lame, slightly offensive, joke. "So the mystery is solved." She let a mocking and examining eye roam over his hunched form. "Is that how you like it, Kakashi?"

"What?"

"From choking to kissing…"

His one visible eyebrow raised at the boldness of her comment, but his surprise was quickly overthrown by a challenging look. "You're filthy, Gohama, you know that? Preying on an old man's embarrassment and sexual perversion."

"Oh gods, stop it!"

"Why? Are you picturing it?" he smirked mischievously.

"I don't want to have nightmares."

"They are usually called wet-dreams, Go-chan."

"Yeah, from cold terrifying sweat."

"You don't know what you're missing."

"Oh, but I do know: incoherent babbling and that was just after a kiss, I wonder how it'd aft—."

"Hey," he let out seriously "I thought we'd just ignore it ever happened." he seemed actually concerned.

"You don't have to be so worried, Kakashi. Life would just be boring without weird days."

"And near death experiences…"

"…and sex missions…"

"…and scotch."

She propped her elbow on her knee and raised her glass lazily. "To death, sex and alcohol."

He copied her gesture. "Humanity summed up in a toast."

They both smiled pensively and their share a long gaze full in understanding.

"Oh no. We're entering the philosophical phase of alcohol. We should go to sleep before we spill our deepest thoughts…" She joked with serious undertones.

"It would be even more awkward in the morning than if we had sex."

"Oh definitely."

"First round of watch is on me. Sweet dreams of me, Go-chan." Kakashi said as he stood up and cleaned his pants.

Gohama's brain caught up to his words. "You're so drunk, you're calling me by a nickname, _Kaka-chan."_

He stumbled a little and gave her a confused expression, until his brain caught up to his own words. So, that had been with the intention to tease her. "Well, do you like it?"

She knew that if she said no, it would only spur him on. "Love it." She deadpanned.

He brought his hand to his chin and rubbed it. "What a shame. Guess I'll have to think of something else."

She smiled and shook her head, while standing up and cleaning her butt. Gohama lay on her sleeping bag. With the alcohol she had drunk, a restless sleep came early.

Kakashi sat on a tree branch against the trunk. He didn't know why his tipsy mind had decided to call her Go-chan, but maybe it could be fun. She didn't seem to have liked it. Before opening his book, Kakashi gave a last glance at even rise and fall of her chest and wondered which idiot had caught her eye.


	26. III - Chapter 6

Part III | Chapter 6

* * *

Kiku. The Fire gambling city of massive steel buildings and neon signs. It's lit silhouette cut through the barren scenery of high altitude, fake and misplaced.

Gohama felt self-conscious as anxiety dripped out of her. The imminence of death made her gut tighten in excitement and sharpness. Even when she had almost died, her fear never made her body strained. It made her eager to fight, confident of her keenness. Her movements were fluid and agile, her mind swift and bold. But now, each step she took stabbed into her nervous stomach. Each one closer to that steel and glass giant.

It was just sex. Something irrational had started growing on her and she had to destroy it. Gohama wanted this, she wanted to complete this S-rank mission, a seduction mission. 'You don't understand what it's asking of you…' Kakashi's words kept creeping into her thoughts. She already knew she didn't understand.

Maybe the uncertainty was what was scaring her. She knew death. She knew loss. She didn't want to die, not before she could honour her Village, but she didn't mind if it happened. This mission was a risk to her life, Dazai was powerful and smart. But this wasn't what made her hesitate. It was the uncertainty of using sex and not fists or jutsu.

As both of them entered the city of Kiku, Gohama pushed forward, kept on walking. She ought not to think, not to feel and just act. She just wanted to get it done and leave.

The sun was almost past the horizon and the neon and streetlights were gradually lighting up. The buildings were luxurious and modern. They stretched high, hovering and imposing over Gohama. She felt trapped. Even the wide avenues that filled the city couldn't ease her. The casino that Dazai attended was at the centre. The glass building rose above the others. There was a certain beauty about its slickness, its fluidity. It was soberer than the others were. No cheap neon and flashing lights meant to call for costumers. It held itself in its grand fame.

The entrance hall was high and great. Its barren modernity was still luxurious, it was meant to awe, but it only made Gohama feel foreign. Absentindly, she wondered how Tsunade had funded a single night at the casino's hotel. At the reception, Kakashi pointed towards a pamphlet announcing Saturday was ball night at the casino and required dress code. It would be an advantageous night to dress well and attract Dazai, but Gohama didn't see the ruthless missing nin as the ball type.

"Good evening. A reservation in the name of Minamoto Taro."

The receptionist searched her computer. "Floor 46, a double equipped with kitchen?"

"A double? Aren't there any with two singles, same floor or closer?"

"At the moment, only from floor 23 and down."

Kakashi seemed unimpressed.

"What's the big deal, Kakashi? I share beds with the guys all the time."

The receptionist flinched lightly at the possible interpretation of Gohama's words.

"You won't want me there after…"

"Who cares, it's just a bed. Don't be so complicated." she glanced towards the receptionist "The room is fine. Thank you."

Shinobi had little space for modesty and propriety. She had even shared a bedroll with Hansuke (before their relationship had taken a more intimate turn) and had woken up to him poking her. The only one embarrassed had been him and she had only mercilessly teased him for it. Nothing could surprise Gohama about sleeping in the same bed as a man.

Gohama took the key and allowed her backpack to be carried by the concierge.

The room was spacious and with the same slick design as the rest of the building. Gohama made a b-line towards the largest bed she had ever seen and flopped down onto it. The sheets were silky and smelled like spring. The mattress made from clouds and cotton. After sleeping on the forest ground for two days, it tasted like pure bliss.

"This is great." She sighed.

In turn, Kakashi laid his backpack onto the bed and started unpacking. She watched him from the corner of her eye. His face was impassive as costume, but his movements were tense and irritated. He settled kunai and shuriken on strategic places across the room. He examined every single corner of it, every piece of fabric or crack on the hardwood floor. Certain the room was safe from bugs and traps, he took out his clothes and arranged them in the closet. He was methodical and at the same time somewhere else. His steps were heavier than usual and he sometimes forgot what he was doing and quickly started again when he remembered. His restlessness was bothering Gohama.

"You were worrying for nothing." She commented while spreading herself on the bed "There's enough space for us to be two meters apart from each other."

"You don't und—" he cut himself off "I'll just sleep on the couch."

"We've slept closer together on our bedrolls, what don't I understand?" she asked annoyed. He didn't answer. She would pay him back for his typical condescendence. "Do you think you won't be able to control your urges if we sleep together?"

"There are no urges."

"I do remember some a couple of months ago…" He only threw her an intimidating gaze. "Just stop walking around the room, you're unsettling me."

"You should unpack too. We don't have much time to get ready."

"Oh gods, are you always this uptight?"

He ignored her and walked towards her side of the bed, crouching next to the table. "I can summon kunai, there's no need to hide one there."

Kakashi still pinned it at the bottom of the bedside table. Before he could get up, she held his arm, so he would stop.

"When I say you're unsettling me I'm not overstating it."

"What do you want me to do, then?"

"Just stop moving around, maybe lay down."

"Gohama, we have a mission to—"

"I know we have a mission. Just do what I'm saying, Hatake." her tone was harsher. He complied and lay on the furthest spot from her. "Much better."

Gohama could finally unwind. Now, laying down, she could feel the soreness and weariness from days of walking and sleeping on the floor slipping from her body. Her muscles could finally rest and she felt her body gradually relaxing, gradually sinking into the mattress. Soon, she was asleep.

"Gohama, wake up."

Kakashi was standing in front of the bed, a towel wrapped around his waist and his hair dripping. Her eyes swept over his bare chest and stomach.

"Can you get ready in twenty minutes?"

Kakashi was definitely fit, which was obvious since he was a shinobi. But it still somewhat surprised her.

"Sure."

"Do you want to discuss our approach better?"

"There's nothing to discuss. I'll simply play a seductive version of myself. After all, I am his fetish."

"Don't say that."

"What? The truth? I never took you for the sensitive type, Hatake."

Gohama raised from the bed and went towards the bathroom, taking a scroll with her.

* * *

Kakashi was, to say the least, worried. He had sensed Gohama's restlessness, as they got closer to Kiku, but, as soon as they reached the city doors, she relaxed. He felt all the uneasiness had been pushed onto his shoulders. He didn't mind that, however he knew she was suppressing her emotions. It was good for the mission, it was good as a kunoichi, still he couldn't bring himself to be glad about it. If she bottled up, the weight would crush her someday or explode. He didn't want that for her. It was better to let her worries run freely and controlled. Why couldn't she trust him with that? He knew why. It was the same reason he did. But that didn't help. He didn't want her to end up like him. Old and miserable, alone and mistrustful.

The shower had stopped running for some time now. Kakashi felt his hands unsteady in anticipation. He didn't want her to seduce and have sex with Dazai. He knew he would hurt her, he knew it would crush her, he knew she would pretend she was all right. What would Tsukate feel if he knew what his niece was going through? If he knew Kakashi had failed convincing her?

The only thing left was trying to protect her, all means necessary. He didn't care if the mission failed, even if Gohama would beat herself up for this. He didn't care if he fucked everything up, he just couldn't let Dazai hurt her. She was only seventeen. She didn't deserve what had been asked of her, she didn't deserve part of her being stolen for the sake of a mission, for the sake of the Leaf. Too much had been taken away from her, how could the Konoha ask for more?

What had happened to him? She was a kunoichi of the Leaf, it was her duty to sacrifice herself for her Village. He was a shinobi, he should want the protection of the Village over the protection of a person. She wasn't even in his team. He had made a promise to a friend, but that wasn't it. It was his guilt. It was making him unreasonable.

The door opened and Gohama came out. She was wearing a deep green satin dress. It flowed and fitted her. Her black long hair fell in waves onto one side. Her green eyes popped from the mascara, she wasn't wearing any more make-up, they had become the same colour as her dress. He knew Dazai wouldn't be able to resist her.

"You look handsome." Gohama commented, smirking. "So much better with the hitai-ate off"

Kakashi glanced over what he was wearing and brushed his nape with one hand, embarrassed. He was wearing a white shirt and black tailored pants. He didn't know what to answer.

"I never imagined you could wear anything other than sweat pants."

"You still have a lot to learn about me, Gohama."

He couldn't stop staring at her eyes. The Kyura had always been famous for their beautiful, forest green eyes. Kakashi had obviously noticed Gohama's eyes before, it was the first thing he remembered about her, besides her Kyura chakra. He was sure it was the first thing anyone remembered about her. Now the mascara only accentuated their magnetic pull.

"I took longer than expected. We should go." she said seriously.

Had she detected his inconvenient gaze or was she focused on the mission? The mission. She had dressed fancily for the mission, so she could let herself be fucked by a sadist guy and then kill him.

"We can still find another way, Gohama."

"I'm doing this, Kakashi. You may be the team leader, but this is my mission." Her voice was harsh.

She left the room and he followed her. He could see the dress was cut low, leaving her back bare. As they entered the casino, most heads turned towards the pair. Kakashi was eccentric by himself and Gohama was stunning. If she realised the attention she was calling, she didn't show. Her walk was as before and her head, slightly tilted up, was, from what he could see, indifferent. He studied themselves as they passed by a mirror wall. His laid-back walk, almost slouching, contrasted with her fluid and straight movements, full of dignity. Gohama exuded the daring class of a woman raised to be heiress of one of the noblest clans.

Kakashi had never seen this elegant side of her. It suited her, she was made for it. The same way she was made for her ninja life. He knew where she had gotten that range. Her ceremonious childhood as part of a noble shinobi clan. Gohama had been raised to reign in both decorum and death.

First, they entertained themselves at the gambling tables. Dazai wasn't there. He observed Gohama as she bet on the roulette. She won twice her bet and soberly left the game without hesitation. She also won a favourable quantity in Black Jack. Her eyes were shining with a mix of wonder and triumph. Kakashi gambled little, he was enjoying himself enough by accompanying her.

"I can see why Tsunade gambles. This is fun."

"That's because you're winning money."

"The moment I start losing I'll just stop. It's not that hard."

"It is for gamblers."

"Are you just going to watch me all night?"

He smirked. "It's entertaining enough, you look adorable when you win, _Go-chan_."

She smiled at him. A couple of pats to his cheek accompanied her sweet tone. "Call me that again and I'll rip out your tongue out with wire."

"So feisty, Go-chan." He dodged the jab to his stomach. "Threats don't suit a young lady as yourself."

"Neither does your patronising banter." she replied seriously and turned back towards the dice table.

He didn't have anything to answer back, so he kept quiet, satisfied at how he managed to irritate her. It had been over an hour and Dazai hadn't appeared. Kakashi thought it was best to search at the ballroom. It was full of people. Both headed towards the bar and he could see the men glancing over his teammate.

"We should dance." Kakashi commented.

"Why? Not everyone is dancing."

"It's the perfect way to do surveillance unnoticed."

"I don't think it's necessary. I doubt Danzai enjoys this type of dance."

He turned to lean his side against the bar and fully look at her. "You obviously can't dance and are just you intimidated because I excel in everything I do." He repeated the accusation she had thrown at them at the beginning of their journey there.

Gohama glared at him from the corner of her eye. "I can dance. And nothing intimidates me, least of all you."

He grasped her hand and pulled her towards the dance floor. He quickly drifted his other hand onto her waist, locking her in place.

"You're a brute. That's not a way to ask a _young lady_ to dance."

"I've saved you from the annoyance of having guys and old men asking you to."

"So you assume you're better."

He shrugged. "Of course. I'm the great copy ninja of Konoha."

He chuckled and led her onto the other side of the room, so they could search for Dazai there.

"I'll lead." Gohama ordered as they swerved on the marble floor towards her chosen direction.

"I'm the man." Kakashi countered, a pull of her hand and a push to her waist and they were again under his rhythmic command.

"All the more reason for me to—" Kakashi cut her off by whirling her away. Another pull to her hand she was again closer to him, settled with her back against his chest and his arm wrapped around her.

He whispered, his lips teasing her ear. "And the team leader." He allowed himself a self-satisfied smirk as he heard her small gasp and felt her tense up against him.

"He's here..."

Kakashi frowned at her unexpected words. He looked away from Gohama's milky chest and searched for Dazai. Then his chakra hit him with all the blow of an S-rank nin energy. He wasn't hiding it, he was showing it off and it involved the ample room. The crowd spread away from him as he moved towards the bar. He settled against it with a roguish smirk. His dark and lusty eyes pinned on the Kyura. Kakashi felt his blood boiling. He swiftly turned her to face him and danced away to the other side.

"What are you doing?"

"Relax, Gohama, the guy isn't going anywhere."

Her movements once fluid, even in their battle for control, were now tense. Her eyes travelled all across the room except for his own and Dazai's. Kakashi observed the man observing her. There was no need for seduction on her part. Dazai's was the gaze of a predator that could already taste the blood of their desired prey. How good it was for their mission, how good it was for Konoha.

"Gohama."

"What?"

"You should look at your dance partner." She turned her eyes up him defiantly. "Just ignore him for now."

"That doesn't sound very efficient."

"He hasn't stopped looking at you. We should leave him waiting a little longer."

"Kakashi, his chakra—"

"I know. I can sense it too. Don't worry, that's why I'm here." he creased his eye reassuring her. He didn't feel comforted at all, his dampening hand against her warm one all the more proof of that.

"I'm not worried I'm stating."

"He hasn't even noticed me. You're making him careless."

"How could you know?"

"Trust me, I know."

Gohama glanced over his shoulder curiously. Noticing her eyes on him, the man and he turned his gaze away.

"You intimidate him." Kakashi commented.

"I didn't do anything." she said defensively.

"It's something about your air of great clan's heiress and unreachability."

"With Father, they just called it arrogance."

Kakashi's eyebrows jumped up at her sudden sharing. He couldn't help but smile under his mask.

"Stop it." she hissed.

"What?" Gohama answered with a glare. "Well, was he arrogant?"

"Not with me."

"I met him maybe a couple of times. Diplomacy things with the Third. To me he seemed distant."

"Father was shy." she said protectively "He didn't enjoy all the show off a kage and Kyura Head of Clan has to offer."

"I also remember him in the war. One of the two great Kyura brothers. People always seemed to forget about Tsukate."

"It's not so bad that they did."

Kakashi chuckled. "He didn't think like that at the time."

"I'm sure he thinks that now."

The first time Kakashi had met Tsukate was during the Third Shinobi War. He had been one of the Buki soldiers to deploy alongside Konoha. They had fought together and the bond between people that lived through the horrors of war together was always a special, stronger one. Tsukate had been a new Jonin at the time, just as himself. Their regiment was formed of few jonin and mostly chunin, younger and fresh shinobi. Kakashi would never forget how Tsukate, as one of the older nin there, had accompanied and supported all of them with the patience and sacrifice of an older brother. He owed so much, Konoha owed so much to that man. This mission tasted crueller for that.

Some of the Buki shinobi had messed with him for being the outcast of the family. The one with no Kyura bloodline limit. Son of the great Buki Blue Beast, the Arms' jinchuriki. Younger brother of Katsuo and Inaku. While these three had been heroes and leads of the war, Tsukate had been one more soldier, one more pawn.

But more that Gohama's father, more than the already old Blue Beast, Katsuo had been the grand hero, the grand promise of Bukigakure. The man that would become the Head of Clan and next Yukikage. All that promise, all that potential for greatness and glory had meant nothing during a war. Kyura Katsuo had died with a kunai to the heart. The death of a common soldier.

His brother, Inaku, had taken the burden of the Kyura clan and the Arms Hidden Village. The sharingan had forever carved his eyes into Kakashi. Eyes of acceptance and duty, eyes that looked beyond veils and mirrored the blue hues of lighting. And Kakashi now watched their echo from behind mascara painted lashes.

"You have your father's eyes." his words flowed from his tongue with no thought attached.

He inwardly winced at his slip, but Gohama's jerk of her head up to meet his dark eye, gaze wide and vulnerable, cheeks tinted pink, made him smile. In an instant, it disappeared.

"Just like every Kyura." she said dismissively.

"No, it isn't about the colour or shape. It's their expression."

"And what do they express?" The amusement in her voice not masking her eagerness.

Kakashi lifted his eyepatch to uncover the sharingan. He studied the deep and gleaming green, unfathomable.

"I just recognise it. I can't read them."

He couldn't understand what she was thinking. He understood her as a shinobi. He understood her motives and doubts because they were much like his own. The duty, the loss, the guilt. But her every moment thoughts were sealed. Her expression always pushed out of her eyes but never palpable enough for him to catch it. The Gohama that was just Gohama he didn't know.

Maybe now, as they danced, Kakashi was seeing just Gohama and she was seeing just Kakashi.

"We should go to the bar, so he can approach me." With her words, Kakashi snapped out of her eyes' pull.

No, they weren't. There was no Gohama that was just Gohama and there was no Kakashi that was just Kakashi. The shinobi life rooted deep. None of them was who they were without being a ninja first.

He led the way to the bar. He ordered two glasses of scotch and in silence they drank and waited. But not for long. First, the bartender brought her a cup of sake. Pretending to look across the room in search of the generous man, she gave the cup to Kakashi. Soon after, a glass of scotch landed before her. This time, she took the glass onto her lips. It smelled wonderfully. It was expensive, excellent scotch. Kakashi watched her close her eyes and sigh as it ran down her throat in a small sip.

The chakra signature approached, but Gohama didn't tense up as before. It stopped in front of them. Kakashi didn't act surprised. Dazai knew he knew he was there. He glanced at the missing-nin indifferently and Gohama looked at him as if asking for confirmation about the unknown person.

"What a surprise. Not a pleasant one, but a surprise nonetheless. Hatake Kakashi in Kiku." Dazai hastily turned towards Gohama with the same hunger as before "My pleasure falls onto the beautiful last Kyura." He gave her an impish smile and didn't look away as she turned to Kakashi inquiringly.

"Dazai Kenta. A missing-nin from Mist. We had an encounter a while back. Good to know your leg is well."

He glanced for a second towards the copy-nin. "The same for your arm." and then his stare went back to Gohama. "I'm glad you like my offer, but scotch isn't a drink for young ladies."

"It isn't?" she asked cheekily.

She downed the rest of the glass coolly, she gave no signs of the burning down her throat. Her gaze fixed on Dazai. She finished by licking the remains of the alcohol off her lips. Kakashi felt disgusted at the heat flickering in the man's eyes. Dazai chuckled.

"Nice to meet you, Kyura-san." he nodded slightly, that disturbing smirk never leaving his mouth. She nodded back impassively. "I have to say you look even more beautiful in person."

"I didn't know there were photos of me circling around." she said haughtily.

"You have to understand you are the last of a pure and perfected breed. You are what's preventing it from going extinct."

"Nothing makes me more pleased than being compared to a mare." Gohama replied dryly.

He chuckled again. "The Kyura women were always feisty."

"Maybe it was just the company." Gohama's tone was now playfully, approachable.

Again that sickening smirk. "We could test that."

Danzai glanced towards the bartender and he quickly came to him. "Danzai-sama."

He looked at Gohama. "Dice or Roulette?"

Dazai had taken the bait, Kakashi had been certain he would. However, the consequences of what was to come still made him wonder how he could ruin the mission. He was disappointed in himself and his irrationality.

"Dice." she answered with a pleased smile.

"Make sure my usual dice table is ready." he said to the bartender without breaking his eye contact with the her green ones.

The bartender came back to announce the table was ready. Danzai stepped aside, giving Gohama way to pass through. "Kyura-san."

"Gohama." she corrected him.

"Call me Kenta, then. Hatake, for you is Dazai-sama."

Gohama laughed as she glanced at her irritated teammate. Kakashi could only be unimpressed by her amusement. He couldn't understand how she could act so indifferent as Dazai placed a hand on her back and led her away from the ballroom. Something about the way he touched her and looked at her and talked to her made him shiver and clench his fists.

* * *

More people known to Dazai had gathered around the dice table. Gohama infatuated the men. Some were shinobi and other civilian. Even the last could sense the dignity about a great clan's sole survivor, especially when she was good-looking. She seemed to be genuinely entertained and enjoying the attention she was receiving all around her.

Kakashi couldn't help but admire her smoothness from behind his _Icha Icha_. She indulged the other men with a bit of recognition, but her interest was on Dazai. She would flirt with him and tease him with light touches. As she got closer, just enough for the fabric of her dress to scrap lightly against his clothes, she pulled away oblivious to the nearness of their contact and the avid frustration Dazai was left in. The missing-nin tried forcing her into proximity but she slyly escaped and never allowed him more than fleeting touches.

Kakashi knew Dazai believed he could still bring her to his room. Gohama showed off her interest with no reservation and yet she was playing him. She intended to bring him towards the edge but never surpassing it with him. Why, Kakashi couldn't understand. Maybe she was avoiding the inevitable. Maybe she just enjoyed driving the man crazy. Honestly, Kakashi enjoyed that too, very much, although there was always an itch he couldn't quite grasp.

After three hours of being oblivious to his presence, Gohama finally sat beside him. She offered him a glass of scotch and he accepted it without taking his eyes of his book.

"Are you just going to read your porn all night?"

"Mm."

"Why don't you get out of that book and butt and come gamble. Maybe lose your life savings."

He turned a page. "I'm thinking of wasting my life savings on literary erotica, so I'm good."

"Then come make me some company."

"You looked more than entertained without me."

Gohama leaned against him. Her dark hair fell over his shoulder, drowning the stale air of the casino with her feminine scent, a blend of herself and lemon from her shampoo. He should warn her about the dangers of perfumes for shinobi – stealth involved the lack of smell – but she probably already knew that. She looked over his shoulder towards the pages. Even before she spoke, he could feel her smirk.

"Don't you ever get turned on while reading that in public?"

Kakashi was taken aback by the bluntness of her question. After years of public porn reading no one had ever asked him that, either afraid of his answer or of posing the question. He shrugged.

She sighed impatiently and the sound, so close to his ear, almost made him shudder. "I know you do." She waited for him to react. "I don't understand what you find so fascinating about third rate porn."

The hairs at his back stood up in alarm. Kakashi flashed his eyes to source of his discomfort, Dazai obviously. Beside him, Gohama placed her hands on her lap and took her time examining every little detail. Kakashi was surprised at how well taken care of they were for a shinobi. When every nail and loose skin had passed her demands, she tried to tease him again. "Don't you get tired of reading the same scenes over and over again? The same plot?"

"No."

"Hmm, I see, it takes little to entertain the Copy-nin's narrow mind."

"What do you want?"

Her cheeks turned a soft pink and he was surprised he had made her blush. She glanced up at him through her full lashes and offered him a coy smile, the same she had given Dazai throughout the night.

"Maybe I just enjoy being with you."

He chuckled wryly at her little act and turned a page. His eye flashed back towards the dice table and saw Dazai's spiteful stare.

"Ah. You're making him jealous."

"I've been making him jealous all night, I don't need you for that. It's not hard, really." she snickered "I've met him three hours ago and he already thinks he owns me."

His heart twisted at her words, although there was no emotion in them besides contempt. He honestly didn't know what to answer.

Gohama looked at Dazai and then turned back to him. "Come play."

"Don't really want to."

"Kakashi…" She exhaled in exasperation. He turned to the next page. "Fine, be an antisocial asshole. I'm going back to the table before he kills us both with his stare."

And so she left him.

The people at the table started dispersing and parting. Soon there was only Gohama, Kakashi and Dazai there. Kakashi kept his distance while the couple talked and whispered. Maybe he should leave. Maybe she would speed things and have sex with him that night. What was left for him to do was hope she would be okay and wait for her in their room. He closed his book and rose from his sit.

"Are you finally going to have some fun with us?" Gohama asked.

"No, I think I'll get going."

"Then I'll go too."

Danzai looked confused and offended. "Gohama, I thought we were going to stay longer."

"I'm tired from the journey here. I'll see you tomorrow." she both patronisingly and teasingly patted his thigh and rose, ignoring the indignation of the man. Kakashi couldn't help but smile. She was definitely enjoying playing him.

* * *

As they walked back to the room silently, Gohama could sense Kakashi's amusement. She was glad it was he and not Hansuke as she had wished before. She couldn't have had the looseness of flirting with Dazai with him there. In the beginning of the mission, his patronising had been infuriating and hurtful, but now that she actually had to complete it, he had given her space and freedom, while never leaving her side. And yet, except from when they had danced, he wasn't there.

For one moment in the entire night, Gohama had needed his help to unwind from the constant edginess of having Dazai loom over her. One time she had sat beside him and one time she had come for him. Had that been wrong? To have needed him to distract her from the weight of Dazai's stares and Dazai's hands and words? Maybe that was why he had been so annoyed with her. Kakashi had kept his nose stuck to that stupid book. She had tried to tease him, irk him, insult him, and nothing had made him acknowledge her presence.

Tomorrow Gohama would be prepared. Tomorrow she wouldn't let herself burden him, because she wouldn't need him.

When she came out of the steamed bathroom, her muscles now relax after the tenseness of being watched, Kakashi had already settled on the couch.

"What are you doing?"

"Trying to sleep."

"Get in the bed."

"Gohama, I'm flattered but we're teammates on a mission."

"Sleeping in the couch will only upset it." she replied seriously.

"Gohama, I'm trying to help you. You don't u—"

The start of his lazy justification made her clench in anger. Couldn't he understand how infuriating that made her? How weak she felt if he gave up his rightful place in the bed so he wouldn't trouble her, so he would somehow ease her handling of the mission? She didn't need indulgences.

"Don't you dare say I don't understand, Hatake. I'm sick of it! What I do understand is that you're taking me as if I'm a weak vulnerable little girl since the beginning of this fucking mission and I hate it, so just get in the fucking bed."

Kakashi stared at her for a while, she could see him pondering what to do or say. Then his look deflated into resignation. "The left side is mine." Content, Gohama took a bottle of sake and went towards the terrace. "What are you doing?"

"Enjoying the rest of the evening."

"It's four am."

"You're such an old man."

"I'm only two years older than you."

"Perhaps mentally."

He didn't answer and she smirked in victory, closing the glass door behind her.

Gohama had set an iron hand on her thoughts ever since she had reached Kiku. It was better this way, practical and safer. Dazai was as she had imagined him. Depraved and hungry, rough and violent. She had managed to tone those down using his need to have her and therefore please her. There was insecurity in his superiority. Kakashi has been right, he was intimidated by her and it only made him have a greater need of overpowering her. She had genuinely amused herself by making him fall into her submission. His pained control over anger and his urges was out of himself. She could sense his struggle and his resignation. He would let himself down for her. She was his weakness and, although repulsive, it gave her a sense of power different from the one she had as talented kunoichi. It was more primal, more feminine. Maybe she would end up suffering the consequences of her mocking when they had sex. She didn't let her thoughts linger on that.

She sighed and downed another glass. Gohama could see he was handsome. He was well kept for a man in his forties, as were most ninja. His face was tanned and manly, with a sharp jawline. His lips were plump and naturally red and his dark stubble attractively rough. He was tall and bulky, his muscles had been evident under his loose shirt. His dark hair was the same colour of his dark eyes. The last with dangerous, almost mad, cunning. The typical ruggedly handsome.

Something about him made her shiver in repulse. Maybe it was his threatening chakra, it felt like a gale that broke through her bones and punched through her stomach. Maybe it was the lusty and violent way he looked at her. She had to suppress it. She had managed to seem interested in him, just enough to drive him crazy. Her soft touches were working and she had pushed herself onto accepting some of his back without showing her disgust. Tomorrow she had to have sex with him. Better to end this sooner.

The bottle of sake was finished. She stepped onto the edge of the balcony and glanced over the busy and noisy horizon. It was so different from Konoha or the Arms. With the upper and wide view, the dirty city had its own beauty. The lights and neon veiled the stars, but the vast and flashing sea offered part of the same awe. It was a shame she couldn't feel it, she knew it was striking, but she couldn't feel it. Gohama smiled as Hansuke popped into her thoughts. Where would he be now? Probably home or maybe on a mission. She hoped he also held her in his mind.

Now, walking back inside, she realized how foggy and blurred her vision was after a full night of heavy drinking. She slammed her toes against the nightstand.

"Fuck…" she hissed.

"Having trouble getting into bed, Go-chan?"

She had thought he was asleep by now. All she could see of him was his spinning back. She took a pillow and threw it towards him. "Shut up."

He didn't dodge, as he was more than capable of.

"Surprising aim, for a—" another thrown pillow cut him off. This one he caught ."Not fast enough, though." And threw it back at her.

She only understood what had happen once she was on the floor, her head hurting and a soft pillow on her lap.

Kakashi peeked from the top of the bed, fearfully waiting her reaction. "Oh shit. Gohama, are you okay?

"My pride is a little wounded."

He chuckled in relief, realising she wasn't mad at him and wouldn't burst into a violent and dangerous drunken payback. "I'm afraid that's quite lethal…" He held a hand towards her and she gladly took it. He smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay. Just prepare for my ruthless revenge." she mocked.

However, Kakashi didn't seem amused by her playful threat. He laid her down and pulled the covers over her, tucking her in. She too comfortable to wonder about his strange behaviour, until he took a strand of hair away from her eyes and whispered, "I'm sorry."

The honesty in his tone caught Gohama off guard. What was he trying to say? Was he also drunk? Because she definitely was too drunk to make sense of what the hell was happening with him.

"For what?" she asked nonchalantly.

"Hurting you."

His eyes had become the same as in the night he had kissed her. But this time the pain and guilt only left her uncomfortable. She relieved herself in the thought that tomorrow she wouldn't remember any of this. There was no need to force herself to contemplate Kakashi's deal. Maybe it was better that way. The one thing she would have to confront - better escape - was the emotional tension.

"Don't worry, my pride is tough. Night." With those dismissive words, she turned her back towards him and tried to sleep.

"Goodnight, Gohama."

He didn't move for a moment and she secretly frowned at his behaviour. Then, she felt the sheets tussle and the mattress sink on his side. She could finally sleep in peace. Closing her eyes, she ignored the spinning blackness, she had drunk too much…, and let herself drift into a heavy and restless sleep.


	27. III - Chapter 7

Part III | Chapter 7

* * *

They sat on a small restaurant in one of the old streets of Kiku. On this side of town, the modern steel buildings hadn't invaded the traditional wooden houses. Gohama continued to look out the window, her gaze following the line of machiya running down the street. They reminded her of one of Buki's neighbourhoods, the one where the clan Ashikaga had had their shops full of crafted sharp weapons. The famous weapons of Bukigakure that had given its name to the village. Kyura –the ones who moulded chakra–, Minake –the ones who moulded snow– and Ashikaga –the ones who moulded metal– had formed an alliance and created the hidden village.

The food arrived and Gohama pulled herself back to the table. She had to entertain herself with something and the only thing was the Copy-nin in front of her. He had forced her out of her pillow's embrace that morning, he now had the duty to at least acknowledge her.

Her hand reached for his book and lowered it away from his eye's view. It followed the movement of her hand as if it that had offended him

"It's rude to force a girl on a date and spend it reading porn." He just looked at her with an unimpressed expression. "It's my first date." She pouted.

"I very much doubt that."

Gohama let him pull his book back to its rightful place in front of his face. "Oh, you think I'm that popular with men?"

Kakashi's eye gained that subtle impish gleam it always did, even during battles, when he had people exactly where he wanted them. "Not really, this just isn't a date." And then the self-satisfied expression.

Gohama kicked him under the table. "Well, we know of at least a man who I'm very popular with." She commented with a careless movement of her chopsticks as she ate a piece of her sushi.

That was enough to rip that smirk oof his face. Maybe she had been a little cruel, Kakashi had only been harmlessly bantering. They settled for eating, Gohama turned slightly to the side so he could have his privacy. When she saw his cleaned plate, she straightened back to look at him.

"You're looking at me like a cat looks at its chewing toy." He narrowed his eye. "I don't like cats."

"So you're that type of dog person." He shrugged. "The Yellow Flash" His shoulders hesitated mid movement, he had definitely tensed "what was he to you?"

"He was my Hokage."

"He was more than that. I saw the way your eyes sparkled when I talked about him."

The two had passed next to a stand of weapons, a mixture of nin and civilian ones. One was the signature tool of Namizake Minato, the three-pointed kunai. It was a common counterfeited weapon. He had been a hero of the Third Shinobi War, every kid in Buki had wanted one of those icons to play with.

Gohama had been one of them and she still had a fake one somewhere in her bedroom at the Arms. A birthday gift from one of her distant uncles that had wanted to cajole Father. At four or five years old, she had loved the present, exhibited it to the jealous and awed kids at the park where they used to play ninja. The realisation of what intentions those presents had behind them had come later, when she was around six years old. Then, she started giving them to kids who couldn't buy them.

When she had thrown a comment about the kunai, Kakashi had actually asked more questions. And she had answered them, careful in scrutinizing the small inflections of his eye.

"Who was he to you? A cousin? A friend?" He continued to read. "You know, you're supposed to tell something about yourself to your date. That's the whole point of a date. Unless…" her lips spread into a smirk. "he was a lover."

This time he sent her a threatening glare. "He was my sensei." Her comment had worked.

"Really? The Yellow Flash was your sensei?" she asked with genuine surprise and a little bit of wonder too. "Who would have thought, that's actually cool."

He dropped his book and laid it on the table. "I'm very cool, Gohama."

"Of course you are," she said with playful patronising "but the Yellow Flash was cooler, even if you're probably a better shinobi now than he used to be."

Kakashi scoffed. "You say that because you've never seen the Yellow Flash in action."

"No, I haven't, but I can imagine how it was like. It's true, blinding speed is useful but it becomes completely powerless if you can never hit the target. The Flash wouldn't be able to win against a master of the Kyura bloodline limit."

He quirked an eyebrow at this. "And are you that master?"

"Not yet." She answer truthful and brought a piece of sushi into her mouth. "But you're still the only one that doesn't see my potential. I have to admit that it is annoying."

"The problem with potential is that it means nothing in the field." Hadn't she proven her worth in the missions she had taken for Konoha?

Gohama ate another piece of her sushi. It wasn't half bad but still nothing compared to the freshness of Snow's fish. Definitely a hundred times better than Konoha's though, a Village right in the middle of the Land called Fire. She was surprised it didn't arrive rotten.

"Well, I have found another type of power to compensate."

"And what is this new found power?" He asked with both amusement and interest. Was he that oblivious to the tone of her words? The man had _Icha Icha _as his sacred book.

Gohama leaned in towards him, her voice low and conspiratorial. "There's a moment when men are the most vulnerable." She looked at him and Kakashi finally caught up to her line of conversation. He shifted his gaze to his cup of tea and drank it through the mask. That would never stop disgusting her. "Men are most vulnerable when they come." Kakashi just looked at her blankly, tensely. "And some of them like to throw their heads back and expose their throats;"

Hansuke hadn't thrown his head back. Gohama had, her neck following the arc of her back, and he had watched her. When he couldn't hold any longer, he had buried his face in her neck and shoulder. Gohama had held on onto his shoulders and hair and Hansuke had held on onto her back and waist.

"perfect for me…" Her hand reached for his neck and Kakashi caught her wrist before it could touch him. Still, she had seen the late reaction, she was getting to him. Her fingers stretched and she brushed one over his carotid, too fast to take in his heartbeat. "…to slice them."

Gohama pulled her hand back to her chopsticks and continued with her lunch. She really didn't know why she had given him that little act, he seemed to be taking it seriously. If she could, Gohama would never take a seduction mission again.

"That's probably why you're celibate. Better not to risk it, right?"

"I'm not celibate." He mumbled, "There's other ways to make sure you won't get your throat sliced."

Gohama raised her eyebrows at the implication. "Kinky."

"Very." He entertained himself with looking at his tea. "Is that your plan with Dazai?"

"You've seen the guy yesterday. He's an S-rank nin with jonin bodyguards. I've never met anyone more paranoid than him. There's no way it'll be that simple."

"You're one to talk," he joked "I've seen the seals around your apartment."

"You should have them too." She answered seriously. "Homes give a fake sense of safety. No Villages' security is unbreakable." The one that served as proof went unsaid.

All the teasing vanished from his expression. His eyelid dropped even further over his eye. In its darkness there was only one shade, one Gohama had learned to read effortlessly in him. Guilt.

* * *

The evening settled with a numb cloak over Gohama. She could change into flirtatious excitement, that was all she needed to continue the mission. Gohama chose a crimson tight dress that ended on her mid-thigh. It was provocative. The ideal choice to let Dazai know she was going to have sex with him that night. Kakashi dressed the same as the night before.

The missing nin was already waiting for them at the casino bar. Two body guards beside him. Gohama could sense their strong chakra, lightning and water, fire and earth.

"Gohama, you look stunning." Dazai said, his eyes always with the same violent hunger. She thanked while slipping her hand onto his arm. "I have something prepared for us tonight. How do you like to dance, my Kyura?"

"Very much."

"Then, I'm taking you to a club I help run. One of the best in all Five Nations."

She squeezed his arm, showing her excitement. He settled his hand on her waist and they all walked away, towards a limousine. He sat her flush against him. She couldn't be indifferent to his touches and his glances. It disgusted her and it drowned her in shame. Gohama hadn't felt such deep killing intent on a mission before.

Usually she killed out of duty and obligation, sometimes survival. But on this mission, her blood revolted against his lechery over it, desired nothing more than to have his own spilling out of his throat onto the hands that had made the cut. Gohama had imagined the various ways she would kill him. Dazai had awakened the sadistic beast in her. She knew it was there, latent and dormant inside of her, reserved only for the ones that had destroyed the Arms. It had shocked her to see glimpses of it over Dazai, from when he touched her or looked at her. A sadistic rage and wildness as it whispered "Kill him. Kill him." Once it was time, she would let it free.

Dazai leaned over her shoulder and she could feel his moist breath on her ear. She forced down a retch.

"You're eyes remind me of your father."

She didn't let the jerk of her stomach show through her muscles. She couldn't push a pleased or teasing reaction. Her body tensed up and she remembered how differently it had felt when Kakashi had commented on it. Dazai's tone was aggressive and hateful. She glanced over at the silver haired teammate, searching for the same comfort and distraction he had given her when they had danced, when he had said those same words. But his eyes were lost on his book. She should be glad someone else saw her father in her, she had always wished to be like him. However, the malice in Dazai's remark made her desire for his spilled blood burn. "Kill him. Kill him."

"Don't worry. I hated him, it's true. But I like you." his voice became low and heated, always the same latent violence. "I want you."

"You want me even when I remind you of someone you hate?"

"It only makes me want you more."

Fuck, he was sick. Gohama couldn't rule the shiver of disgust and fear that shook through her skin. She passed it as excitement as she gasped his thigh. Turning herself towards him, she played with his collar.

"What makes you want me so much?" she asked seductively.

Again, he neared his mouth to her ear. "Your eyes." he said as he stared at them and went back to whisper to her neck "your skin" he bit her throat "your hair" he gripped it strongly and sniffed it "Your name and blood. The daughter of the Yukikage. The last of the Kyura."

She pushed him away slightly, forcing herself not to run away or stab him. Even if that killed him in an instant, the other jonin inside the car would finish them off, or at least seriously injure them, before they could escape.

"What did my father do to you?" she asked with amusement.

"He ruined some businesses of mine in Snow." he explained with a dismissive tone. "Almost killed me." he chuckled dangerously, victoriously. "But now he's the one who's dead. And you're here, soaking for me."

It was more than she had suspected. His fetish came both from the idea of ruling a Kyura and of revenging on her father. He had been too powerful for Dazai to threaten him in life. Now dead, Dazai could have his revenge by taking his daughter. The fact that she was the last of one of the most powerful clans only incinerated his vicious desire. If they had sex she would have to find a way of taking the lead. If he were to gain it, he would beat her up. A cold hand wrapped around her. Fear. She was, for the first time, scared of him.

* * *

The club was packed, hot and loud. The VIP area was slightly bearable. Gohama had never been keen of nightclubs. She automatically moved towards the bar and Dazai followed her. He obviously bought her every drink. He had ordered the staff to put her drinks on his tab. After some more flirting, he asked her to dance. She had to accept.

She watched as Kakashi walked away from them. She couldn't understand him. He had been there that morning but now that she needed him he was somewhere else. He wouldn't leave her side, protecting her was his mission, but he seemed far away. Gohama needed his reassuring presence. After all his attempts to push her away from this mission, when it actually came to helping her, he just didn't care. What a maddening man.

The throbbing beat of the music thrust into her chest. Dazai took her waist, luckily he chose to leave some distance between them, and moved her at the rhythm of the music. The noise and thrusting beat was excruciating. It made her dizzy above the drinks she had had. The scotch had numbed her thoughts. She let her body flow with Dazai's moves. She closed her eyes, pretending to enjoy the music, while trying to escape from what was happening. Still, her nerves were over sensitive to his preying touches. She fought the impulse of pushing him away, as he slid her onto him. His pulsating desire pressed onto her stomach. It was too overwhelming. The moistness of his sweat on her chest. The smell of his drunken breath and dizzying cologne. His chakra, engulfing her with its threatening energy and crushing force. His grinding movements against her body. The possessive grip on her waist, sliding onto her butt. All a prelude to what was coming next.

"No. No. Not here." she said playfully, as she pushed his hands back to her waist.

Gohama controlled her urge to break his wrist. If she did it, he would kill her in an instant. She would fail the mission. The mission, her first S-rank. She felt renewed strength, she would take this with compliant acting. This was good. Her numbness was coming back.

Too soon, it was cut through by a guttural groan as he rubbed himself on her. She gave in to her impulse and tried to push away slightly, but his tight grip jailed her. All that was left was to endure.

She let her gaze roam above his shoulder through the club, trying to distract herself. Everyone was drunk and horny. She couldn't understand the appeal of it all. Being horny for a random person on a club was foreign to her. Only the drunkenness made sense. She really needed another drink. There were some lonely people at the bar. And Kakashi. He was watching them. He was finally there. This was a mission, why did she still fucking needed him to be there?

Her dancing became more provocative. Dazai seemed to appreciate it. She turned them around. Now, her back was towards her teammate. She swayed her hips and they flowed at the bit of the music. She glanced over her shoulder. He was still watching.

Now it was time to turn back to face him. Kakashi hadn't turned his gaze away, Gohama thought he would out of embarrassment, but she could see by his tense stance that he was uncomfortable. So, he wasn't backing down from her challenge. The pants and groans on her ear became more eager, the friction of their fabrics making Dazai harder. She ignored him and kept looking at the Copy-nin.

The man behind her started running his hands onto her chest and the inside of her thighs. That was probably something Kakashi wouldn't bear to watch, but she also couldn't, no matter how sweet a victory tasted. "If you're a good boy and wait, I'll make it up to you."

"But I'm fucking bad." the husky and trembling tone crept into her spine.

His hands, however, moved towards her hips, so he could grind her better against himself. He became more avid and clumsy. He was going to come. A shiver made her jerk away from his contact. She played it as teasing. "You're not allowed to come yet. I'm going to get a drink."

She left the man and went towards Kakashi. She didn't look at him, standing by his side and ordering a scotch. She could feel him twitch as she grazed him.

"Do you want a drink?" she casually asked him.

"What the hell was that?" he hissed, closer to her so she could hear.

"Me doing my mission."

"Does your mission involve picking on me?"

"No, but it's entertaining."

"Then find another way to entertain yourself." His tone was cold with a slight pinch of irritation. She scoffed at him, behind her drink. "What?"

She was leaning her back onto the bar, looking at the dance floor, and he was staring at her. She downed her drink. "I don't get you."

"There's no need to."

"You don't have to be embarrassed, Copy-nin. It's perfectly normal to be turned on by people dancing provocatively."

He pressed his hand onto his eyes and let it brush through his face. "I'm not turned on." She laughed mockingly and he shot her a glare. "Well, if it's perfectly normal then why weren't you turned on by Dazai?"

"How could you possibly know if I'm not?" He tapped his nose. "That's disgusting!" she gasped and shoved his shoulder harshly.

"I can't help it."

"Is your sense of smell that good?"

"Mm."

"That has to be awkward sometimes. And we're ninja, everyone sweats a lot." She looked over at his face with a new perspective. "Is that what the mask is for?" Kakashi nodded. "Definitely not. You wouldn't just give that information away so freely." She took her whiskey to her lips when realisation dawned on her. "Aah. So, that's why you always know when I try to sneak up on you. Even with perfectly masked chakra." A mischievous smile twisted her lips. "That's useful information."

"There goes my peace and quiet." He mumbled.

"So, what do I smell like?"

"I will ignore the inappropriate question."

"Why? It's just smell. And I do remember telling you what your chakra like felt like to me, so you owe me."

"Well, Go-_chan_, you should have thought better before giving the information away freely."

She shrugged. "I'll just ask Pak—shit, he's coming back. Come dance." she pulled his hand, but he fought it.

"No."

"It's not like we haven't danced before."

"It's different."

"Kakashi, I don't care. Danzai was practically masturbating against my butt just now."

"Don't say things like that."

"Like what?"

"So blatantly."

"Since when are you so sensitive? Just stop being twitchy and bring me another drink."

He complied with a grunt and allowed himself to be led onto the dance floor. Gohama suddenly bumped into a hard chest. Dazai. Still, she didn't let go of Kakashi's wrist. The man neared her neck and whispered, "Come with me, Kyura." his tone hostile and demanding.

It had finally come. She couldn't say no. It would only anger him and make him more violent. She didn't want to go. She started to feel dizzy, her feet were heavy but she needed to leave that place. She needed to follow the heat and chakra of the man in front of her, now grasping her arm roughly, breathing onto her cheek. She forgot about the mission. All her being was set on running away.

A soft squeeze of her hand made her come back. She looked at Kakashi. His eye was saying what he had been saying since that day in Tsunade's office. His hold tightened. He was trying to stop her from leaping past the point of no return, that cliff of uncertainty she had been sure she could leap without falling. She was not sure anymore. She would fall and she had to fall. Like Kakashi had done before her and Hansuke. Hansuke… Her heart tightened. Gohama smiled softly, squeezing his hand back. She took the drink he had brought for her and downed it. Her hand let go of Kakashi's.

"I thought you'd never ask." she flirted with Danzai.

He grabbed her waist and pushed her away onto the sea of people.

* * *

Kakashi just saw her leave. He stood there, his hand still where she had left it, watching her leave. It had finally come, the point of no return, and she leaped through it. She would fall. Everyone fell.

That mission was going to tear on him. He had thoroughly listen to the disgusting whispers of Dazai in the limousine. But he couldn't look at them, nor at her. Every time he glanced at the way she had dressed for her target, his gut clutched onto itself. She was beautiful and she had to waste that beauty on a vicious sick man. Every time he saw his violent touches on her skin, his heart tightened. She was giving herself to a vicious sick man. But he couldn't turn his eyes away when she had danced with Dazai. The rage that had burned through his nerves, bones, and blood. The wild side of him that ripped through people's hearts demanded, "Kill him."

Then, she had started teasing him. That Gohama… She didn't flirt, she teased. Flirting was meant to please and Kakashi had never seen her try to please anyone. Teasing was meant… Kakashi honestly didn't know why she teased him. Usually he was entertained by her slightly inappropriate comments, throwing some of his own back at her. This time it had been different. The coiling of his stomach… He should have just turned away and it confused him that he hadn't.

Gohama was pretty, he had noticed that long before, but he had never felt any type of attraction. It had been always an innocent appreciation of beauty.

This moment could open a whole other perceptions of her he wasn't ready for. She was Gohama. He had promised her uncle to keep an eye on her. He couldn't deny he had actually gained a bit of fondness for her, but it was mingled in guilt and sympathy and other things he could never understand. He didn't actually want her. She had said so herself, it was perfectly normal for his stomach to stir – thankfully, it had only been his stomach – by a pretty girl dancing and teasing him. He was a man after all.

Kakashi had left the club and was now on the balcony of their hotel room. He would wait for her there. That was all he could do. It was impossible for him to keep tracks on them. His mission was to protect her life, but deep down him, Tsunade and Gohama knew he was there more for support. The most vulnerable Gohama would be was in Dazai's room and he couldn't near it, he couldn't know what was happening, even if his mind ran with the most disturbing scenarios. If he killed her, he wouldn't know until she didn't come back.

He knew she was strong, but he couldn't stop himself from being afraid for her. It would crush her and she would endure it. Still, he didn't want this for her, this fucking mission. He would stay awake even if his thoughts were gnawing on him, even if his concern was breaking him from inside.

His hand moved to his pouch and he took a kunai from it. His grip tight around the leader handle, his muscles ready to drive the blade into flesh. Deep down he knew there was no need for a ready kunai, no need to prepare for anything. Kakashi was just to stay there, inside the room or on the balcony, there was no difference, and do nothing.

He would wait for her. She would come back.

* * *

"I should go." Gohama whispered in Dazai's ear, as he was starting to drift asleep.

"Stay the night."

She rolled herself out of the bed, ignoring his clear order. They weren't at a level where he could make demands. Maybe tomorrow the power would slide to him, now it was still dangling between the two. In the end, she would win it back.

Her naked image scorned her with the signs of his fucking. Gohama was sure the wide mirror wall beside the bed was meant for the aftermath. Dazai's own twisted pleasure at seeing the marks he had left, but mostly the woman's reaction to them. For what other reason was he staring at her reflection with those robbing gaze? His touch had already taken enough.

"My teammate is probably worrying and I don't want him being a pain in the ass." She explained while putting back the dress.

"Why would he worry? Are you two fucking?"

Gohama rolled her eyes at his assumption and frowned when she saw the rip on the fabric that rose to her hip. "We're not, but the fact that you're a missing nin he has fought before…"

"…and almost lost…"

"makes him jumpy."

"You two better not be fucking." With a grunt he rose from the bed and walked towards the door "Tomorrow I'll get even for you making me get up." His attempt at what Gohama supposed was teasing only sounded perverted.

"Do you mind if I leave through the window?"

"Why?"

"So he won't wake up. It's less of a pain this way, for me and you."

He made sure to show his displeasure at changing such insignificant thing.

"The chakra shackles will open when you get out. Leave them on the balcony."

Gohama followed him to the window. She could feel Dazai's sperm dripping onto her thigh. Thoroughly, Gohama examined the combination to open the seal in the window. It was a complex one. She would need more than one time to get it. The window was her only way out. The seal on the door required one person from the outside to open. The window only required Dazai's chakra. He opened it and before she slipped out her back hit the wall with a loud thud. He slid his coarse hands across her body and his demanding lips slammed onto her mouth. His harsh tongue ran against hers. When the invasive touch disappeared, Gohama breathed again.

"See you tomorrow night, Kyura."

When she stood onto the balcony, the shackles opened. She tossed them onto the table. Her room was five floors down. She dropped onto the balcony under Dazai's and crouched on the railing, trying to absorb the feel of the night air. But there came no refreshing breeze. Still, she let herself watch the busy city, the metal and lit horizon and the people and cars on the streets.

She felt like filth and dirt. Her body was sticky and moist from the mixture of his sweat and his fluids and her sweat and her fluids. Even his nauseating cologne that made her nose sting had entrenched under her skin. She had been the one leading in the beginning. Dazai hadn't let that last long. His hunger was always violent, his rough grips leeching and his thrusts selfish and stabbing. His skin and mouth and tongue stealing her body.

She should have showed excitement all the way through. However, after the highest point on a jump to the sea, after the adrenaline of the fall had faded and it was just the water pressing heavier and heavier to the bottom, she had let herself drown. The overwhelming disgust over the man and herself made her give in. She stood still and bouncing. Her eyes saw nothing but the wall and her insides took his length with resignation. The body Gohama had spent her whole life training, toning, ruling had betrayed her.

She inhaled the cold air of the grey and flashing city. She had made it through. She now knew what needed to be done to complete the mission. Tomorrow she would let him have her again and, as he would growl into her ear, she would take in every movement of his body, studying his weaknesses and flaws. She had him in her hand, she was winning. He would never see it coming once she killed him. Yes. She sighed, trying to calm herself. It wasn't so bad as long as she would manage to kill him. Her first S-rank mission, her first Jonin mission. She had dreamed of this day. She couldn't be weak now.

His sperm slipping from her underwear down her legs made her shiver. She needed a shower, she needed to clean herself from that night. She dropped four more floors onto her balcony. Fuck. Kakashi was waiting for her. She couldn't face him now. She wanted to be alone.

"Gohama."

She walked inside, ignoring him. She was sure he could smell Dazai on her, so Gohama, lowering her head and wrapping her arms around herself, sped for the bathroom. She was sore and the boiling water comforted her as it fell down her back. Trying to rub the filth away from her skin, she felt she would never be clean again. She eagerly scrubbed until her paleness had turned red. As she tried to wash her dirty flesh, even if she knew the marks wouldn't heal with water and soap, her eyes stung and she scoffed at herself. Pathetic. She threw her clothes onto the garbage. Out of the shower, she just wanted to hide under the covers and left her sinking heart fall asleep.

"We should talk." Kakashi said, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Can't you wait for the debriefing tomorrow?"

"Yes, the briefing can be tomorrow. What I'm trying to say is you can talk to me… I'm not good with advice but I can listen." the tenderness of his voice contrasted with what her night had been. It both irritated her pride and made her eyes prickle.

"I'm good." she casually said, pulling the covers over herself.

"I can sleep on the couch if you want."

There it was again. What angered her more was herself for not actually wanting him to sleep in the bed with her. She had let him be right. But in the end, she didn't really care as long as he would leave her alone.

"You can sleep on the bed. Just let me sleep myself."

"I'll be at the balcony."

She felt the mattress's end lift and the window open. Her body unclenched and she blanked her mind. After a while, she couldn't know how long, she sensed another chakra signature and heard small paws clicking on the floor.

"Yo. Kakashi sent me to check on you. You can touch my paws, like the other night."

"Hi, Pakkun. I'm sorry, but no."

"Why? Don't you want to touch them?"

"It's not that. I'm trying to prove a point."

"I don't see why that matters if you want to touch my paws."

"Just some stupid human things… I'm sorry, Pakkun. Maybe some other day. Just go back to Kakashi. And don't tell him what I said, okay? I'll give you some treats."

"I guess so. Are you okay? You smell different."

Gohama cringed at the ninken's innocent words. The shower had not been enough to take Dazai's smell out of her.

"I'm fine." she said cheerfully while petting his head. "See you around."

"Goodnight, Gohama."

She herd the paws click away and pulled the covers over her head, bringing her knees onto her chest.

* * *

_Gohama came out a little crazy in the first parts of this chapter. She just found a whole side of being a kunoichi and that's messing with her._

_About the Land of Snow, if you search Naruto's world map, there's a peninsula between Waterfall and Sound that I had decided to make the Snow country (it doesn't have any name but I think that's probably Iron, the country with samurai). Bukigakure is more or less mid way through the land on the east, not right beside the sea, but still close and the Monastery northwest._

_We're at 25 followers! That's pretty cool. This is very OC based, so it's great to see that people are interested. I had my reservations about publishing it in FF because of that. I'm glad I decided to share this story with you. Thank you for reading it! _

_Have a safe quarantine._

_-RedPowder_


	28. III - Chapter 8

Part III | Chapter 8

* * *

The smell of eggs and tomatoes woke her up. Her head was throbbing and she rolled herself onto the opposite side of the offensive light spilling through the wall made of windows. Why hadn't Kakashi closed the blinds? Gohama pushed her face against the pillows with a monster groan. A chuckle sounded from the kitchen.

Her body was fighting between staying in bed for the rest of the day and getting up to eat something. The hangover wasn't so bad, seeing as her stomach was churning with hunger and the smell of food didn't make her gag.

With another roll on the bed, she lay on her back. Her head tilted to the other side, Kakashi's side, the sheets were unturned. One glance at the couch and its cushions were as pristinely fluffy as before. He probably hadn't slept at all, judging by the _Icha Icha_ still on the balcony's table.

With one swift, unmerciful to her head, movement, Gohama got up.

"How long will it take?" she asked right behind him, careful not to let her hangover breath reach his nose.

He jerked a little at her voice. She had actually managed to startle him. The smell of food and the constant scent of her from sharing a room had tricked that creepy nose of his.

"Good morning to you too." he waited for her to reply with a greeting, but gave up. "Five minutes."

Pakkun's words were still lingering in her thoughts, so she left to take another shower. She knew it was futile since she would sleep with Dazai that night, but she couldn't help the urge to be free from him at least during the day. Even after the burning water, Gohama still felt like shit.

They sat down to eat and Kakashi didn't waste time. "Brief me on our options."

Gohama kept her eyes on the twirling of her chopsticks around the eggs. "There are almost none. He has three Jonin bodyguards at his bedroom door. The room is completely sealed, doors, walls, ceilings, floors and windows. Adding to the completely protected suite. The door needs a person inside and out to open, so that escape is out of question. The window only needs Dazai's chakra, since there's no one in the balcony."

"That's good news, you can take his chakra."

"It would be if I could actually do it. For me to manipulate others' chakra I need my own. His safety agreement, because he obviously knows I'm here to kill him, is for us to be in equal circumstances of power… or powerlessness." She finally looked at him. "We both have chakra shackles."

Now it was his turn to look away, as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

"The worst part is that clearly they aren't equal. He can free himself with a key he keeps away and I can only if I leave the room. He says it's because he needs to open the seals. It's true. But he'd never let himself be completely vulnerable and he knows I have to accept any conditions for the mission."

"Have you tried freeing yourself?"

Gohama glared at him and he winced. "No, I spent the entire night enjoying myself while my S-rank target fucked me, all the more happy that I had no chakra, not a fucking care in the world."

"You know I have to ask, Gohama."

"Well, you didn't have to ask it that way." Expelling a breath between a scoff and a sigh, she shook her head. "I can't summon weapons. Even if I killed him with my bare hands, I'd be stuck there. Honestly, I think we don't have many options." Her eyes instinctively shifted to the two frail chakra signatures twirling in the sky. How could birds survive in Kiku? The city was rotten, morally and physically. "I can kill him out of his room, which is impossible without me dying too."

Kakashi stood still, looking at his breakfast. His shoulders were hunched as always. Didn't he get any kinks from that? Just sitting at her dining table while writing reports had her running for Kisamaru's soothing chakra massages. It could not be practical for a ninja.

One of his hands held his chin, a finger extended to press against his lips, hidden somewhere under that mask. He usually did that when he was thinking. Did he even know he had such a striking tell? The fabric moved when he spoke and stretched when he smiled sometimes, never when he did those fake eye-crinkled ones, he probably only had to move his one visible eye.

Except for his nose and jaw, it was not enough to trace the lines of his features. She could only make out a faded contour of his mouth. For Gohama, it felt as if Kakashi didn't even have a face under the mask. That's what he wanted, wasn't it? For people to forget there was something under there.

He looked up, back at her, and she fought the urge to avert her eyes awkwardly at being caught staring. Kakashi didn't seem to care as his serious expression switched into his fake eye-creased smile. She hated it. "What do you want to do today?"

What a pathetic attempt at deviating from their looming problem. He was usually so good at that.

"You have nothing." She said with a small, fake smile of her own. "We'll find a way, Kakashi. Even if it means a death in action for me. I've been ready for it for quite some time."

"You're not very good at reassuring people. Besides, if someone is to die in action it will be me. I've also been ready for it far longer than you."

"So, you're turning it into a competition, Copy-nin." she joked.

"You know I have to be the best in everything, including death wishes."

They shared a comfortable gaze. As always, Gohama shifted to the side, showing him that he could start eating his food with no impeding offense to his privacy. They talked of nothing as they ate. There was nothing to be said.

"I think I'm staying around today." she broke the silence.

"I'm staying too."

* * *

Kakashi watched her rise from the chair and pick up the telephone.

"Could you, please, bring a bottle of scotch to the room?" The sound of static speech. "Thank you." she hang up.

That had been polite. The most polite he had ever seen Gohama be. As when he had first seen her with that green dress or a kimono for the festival months ago, there was surprise at first because of the foreignness. But Kakashi only had to watch her for a few moments to feel the familiarity Gohama herself showed. Being polite, dressing fancily, exuding class, those were all things she had been brought up to do.

Her prowess in the ninja arts were sign of her position as a last Kyura, but it was in this moments that she came out as the noble clan's heiress. So different from Sasuke, whose title had come only through the massacre. His student had only shown conceit, but not the dignity. No matter how much people bunched the Uchiha and Kyura together, Gohama's clan was much similar to the Hyuga. In their tradition and decorum.

Kakashi had always thought those ridiculous on a group of shinobi meant to kill. What need was there for that in the field, when one fought for one's own life by stealing others? The propriety was nothing but the reminiscence of an ancient time before the Hidden Villages, when ninja were also feudal lords. Superfluous, almost petty.

Yet, seeing Gohama in a kimono, all grace and delicacy, fascinated him. He knew there was nothing fragile about her. In an instant, she could wrap someone in a chakra field and crush them to death without even moving her hands, hidden inside long, unpractical sleeves. The balance between two opposites, the delicacy and the deadliness, the rule of two faces of different coins. There was nothing petty about that.

Why did she hide it? Gohama had complained about the show off Kyura Inaku had had to give. Had she also been a part of it? Very likely. She certainly had hated it. Or maybe she just resented it now, out of grief. How much had the massacre made her change? She never talked about her childhood.

There was a seed of curiosity in him about it and he didn't know where it had come from. So he enjoyed this rare moments when Gohama showed her heiress side, with a mix of fascination and sorrow, because there was something about it that left a sour taste in his mouth.

He wondered if her child self had been the same. Kakashi couldn't just ask and expect her to answer. He could understand her reasons, they were much alike in their coping processes. But he didn't want her to end up like him. Old and miserable, alone and mistrustful.

Gohama started making the bed. Now that was something weird that would never stop feeling weird.

"You know they make them for you in hotels."

"I don't really want people to barge in here."

He accepted it. He watched her and he knew she knew he was watching her. She didn't seem uncomfortable and he couldn't stop watching. He watched her tuck the sheets and brush them into wrinkless softness. It was a simple and domestic task, completely opposite of the portrait he had painted of Gohama just a few moments ago. This time he couldn't reconcile her with the homely picture. Maybe that's what had given it a new wonder in his eyes.

Of course, she knew how to make beds. He was sure she didn't have a maid back in Konoha. Why could he only see sides of Gohama? The ninja side, the heiress side, the common person side. Wasn't she all of them at once? She was the same as he was, as everyone was, a multitude of sides all at once.

This mission was turning him into a pedantic philosophical mess. It was always so much simpler when he kept only to his books and to his autopilot missions. His thoughts had to be carefully managed and this was messing his balance. Gohama or not, being a handler on a seduction mission always fucked him up.

He remembered every one of them. He remembered Hansuke's, luckily only two. Kakashi had always tried to avert them from his ANBU squad, but with those hazel eyes of Hansuke, it had been obvious one day it would have to come. He had been only fifteen, so scared and confused. When they had reached their inn room, he had broken and cried. Hansuke had cried so much and shared too much. Kakashi hadn't wanted to know and still he listen and he said the typical things "It's normal. You can hate it and your body still reacts.". The next morning he had begged Kakashi not to tell anyone about his weakness. Weakness he had called it.

At that time, Hansuke was a lost boy, too focussed on being the cold, emotionless _perfect_ shinobi, the badass. But he wasn't. Hansuke had always been good and ANBU had almost stolen that from him. Yugao had convinced him to join. He was so stupidly in love with her then, he would have followed her anywhere she went.

Good thing he had left ANBU for good. Even if it had been that last mission to finally break him to the ground. If even Kakashi, who had done the most fucked up things before, had almost broken, it was obvious Hansuke wouldn't bear it. If Kakashi could go back, he would never let him take the mission.

They had always stepped around it, never calling it by what it was. They were forbidden to discuss it, it was a Village Secret. But they weren't scared because of that. Maybe Hansuke wasn't scared at all, he had his priorities in order. But Kakashi was terrified out of his fucking mind. The realisation of what it had meant was so palpable now, so painful, so close…

Gohama, his unfocused gaze fixed back on her and he shut his mind off. She was wearing black sweat pants and a fitted, tucked in shirt. It suited her. It made her look slim and fit, while being agreeable with her curves. Kakashi knew he shouldn't watch her like this, he shouldn't enjoy her light and swift steps as she moved towards the bathroom and then came back out, falling onto the bed, messing up the work she had done before.

He brushed a tired hand over his hair and sprawled on the chair sloppily. What was happening with him? Was Kakashi that scared that, if he turned his eyes away from her, Gohama would disappear? It was absolutely irrational and pitiful, but, after yesterday's helpless night, he no longer cared about what was sensible. Nothing about this mission was sensible.

He would find a way to be the one to assassinate Dazai and keep Gohama safe. He couldn't let her into his room again. He had purged her with his disgusting smell, his nauseating cologne. She was still there, lying on the bed, but, even when she denied showing it to him, he knew Dazai had stolen a piece of her. Every seduction mission asked and stole away.

"You didn't sleep on the bed."

It was more an affirmation than a question, but he still felt the need to answer. "No."

"Did you sleep at all?"

"Of course."

"Come lie on the bed." She knew he was lying.

He didn't think about it. He just did. They both lay above the covers, she was sideways and facing him. Kakashi had his arm behind his head and turned his face to look at her instead of the ceiling. Gohama had her eyes closed, her eyelashes still tinted with remains of mascara. He knew she knew he was watching her. The soft rise and fall of her torso was soothing.

His eyelids soon became heavy. He was afraid she would disappear as she had done the night before. He tried to fight his sleepiness until he couldn't grip himself anymore. He let his mind drift to sleep. She had said she was staying.

When he finally opened his eyes again his heart jumped. She wasn't there anymore. He tried to grasp his consciousness as quickly as he could and looked around. Gohama was just outside at the balcony, drinking scotch. He hadn't even felt the hotel staff come in…

He brushed his face to wash away the heavy sleep. The jerk at finding her missing wouldn't let him fall asleep again, so he went to her. Only when he stepped outside did he realise it was already late in the afternoon.

There were two cushioned chairs across from each other and table between them. Taking the scotch bottle from it, he filled his own glass. The amber drink swirled around and as he went to sit across from her.

"Did you spend all day sitting here?"

She looked towards him. Her eyes were hazy from the alcohol and her green tired. Kakashi clenched his jaw and brought the glass to his masked lips.

"No, I slept until noon."

"You should have woken me up." She didn't have to do this alone.

"I could never, not when you were sleeping like a baby."

"Have you written to Tsukate since coming to the Leaf?"

The random question just spilled from his mouth without his consent. It took his mind a long time to catch up with what he had said. Had he dreamed about Tsukate to remember him suddenly in all this mess of a mission?

Gohama continued to stare at the city landscape. Of course, she was going to ignore him.

"Why not? I'm sure he would love to hear about you." Her knuckles whitened against the glass. Kakashi knew he was pushing it, but she looked so subdued, sitting there, looking at nowhere. It only seemed worse when she didn't answer him again. "You miss him." He stated.

Her lips twisted into a sad, nostalgic smile. "Too much to write."

Kakashi had never expected Gohama to answer, least of all so honestly. Maybe a joke, or a lash out, but not vulnerable honesty. He picked up his book, realising he had left it on the table, and set out to read.

They kept silent for the rest of their time there. The afternoon had brought dust to the streets under them. The misty scene gentled the harsh lines of the city and the setting sun softened the colour of the buildings with orange light. Gohama's pale skin was now an amber tone, her dark hair had gained fleeting tinges of copper. Her position stayed the same since he had sat with her. Her stare was captive of a vague spot in front of them. It was wistful and weary and it tore at him.

The pages of _Icha Icha_ were too shadowed to keep pretending he was reading.

When the dark night settled and all the loud lights were blinking, she finally moved. Gohama looked at him and gave him a small smile. He hated it.

He didn't ask where she was going when she went inside. Nor when she left the room.

He would wait for her and she would come back.

* * *

He had been rougher and she had been duller.

Dazai didn't seem to care. He had taken the lead and fucked her with all the resentment he had for her clan. He liked calling her Kyura. He liked insulting her and degrading her and every phrase that rolled down his coarse tongue had to have the name Kyura in it. When he came he repeatedly growled his achievement, "I win, Kyura. I win.", in her ear.

He was more satisfied when it ended. Gohama was more sore.

She couldn't break free from the shackles. She decided to risk it and take them down with her for Kakashi to examine them. She hid her bruises well and went back down onto the balcony where he waited for her. She could feel Dazai's sperm sliding down her thigh, so she sped to the shower. Her walking was strained from the pain between her legs, she desperately tried not to show it as she moved. Kakashi seemed too focused on the shackles to care.

After her shower, she avidly downed three glasses of scotch and went to bed. She pulled the covers over her head and her knees onto her chest. She let the alcohol daze her conscious to sleep.

When she woke up, Kakashi was still sleeping beside her. Her head was throbbing and she felt sick. She took her usual seat at the balcony and watched the waking city.

Gohama was being weak, but, because she was weak, she had no strength to push forward. She endured it but only that. She felt so dirty she couldn't even let her mind dwell on Hansuke. The thought of him had stopped comforting her, it only made her ache run deeper, crueller.

So, she let her mind blank as she knew how to do so well. She couldn't stop thinking, but she would weave her thoughts through irrelevant things. Like how the birds in front of her seemed lost in Kiku, or the people crossing the street below, or the blinking sign of 'Hot Kitties', perpetually glowing, or her attempt to perfectly rip the label out of the bottle.

'A whiskey with the subtle hints of oak, absorbed from the traditional aging barrels. Its deep smoky taste and' other loads of fucking bullshit. Well, maybe they weren't. She didn't know. It tasted of nothing to her.

"Let's spar." she had asked Kakashi as he stepped outside.

"Okay."

* * *

They reached one of the flattest fields that surrounded Kiku. The high altitude covered the land in low green and purple plants. The soil was tricky, between higher bushes and never a flat ground, but it was good for training.

Right away, Gohama stood in front of him, her tanto already in her hand and its gleaming blade pointed at him. "I want to fight your sharingan." she said.

Of course she did. The last and only time they had fought was during the Jonin Exam. Kakashi had used his sharingan, but his objective was mostly to force her into making decisions and protecting her teammates. She had chosen sensibly and had run away when an opening came. Now she wanted to see if she truly could hold up against a sharingan.

"I usually don't spar with it."

"I don't care. Uncover your eye."

She was feisty today. If that was what she wanted he wouldn't say no. He uncovered his Sharingan and could see, more than feel, her raged chakra exhaling from her body. The mission was getting to her. She needed to let her anger and frustration out on someone other than Dazai. Kakashi was there for it.

"Don't hold back." she threateningly said.

He wasn't going to. It would offend her if he did. With a volley of shuriken and kunai to distract her, he disappeared underground in a flash. He had left one kage bushin in front of her. After she blocked and evaded every one of his weapons, Gohama narrowed her eyes and let out a despising scoff. "You think I can't tell the difference." Came her muffled words from above the earth.

That was his cue to leave the unsafety of the ground. Kakashi tried to jump into the surface right under her, so he could grasp her ankle and pull her down. Already expecting this, Gohama was up in the air when he came up and the soil he landed on was mud. Smart and intricate jutsu, he hadn't expected her to know it.

His bushin had lunged towards her, but Kakashi called him to help himself out of the mud. With a sacrificial pull, he was back on solid ground and his bushin dispelled. Gohama didn't wait for him to catch his breath. A cutting gust of wind was already slashing the air towards him. She was fast with hand seals, but not as fast as he was and not fast enough to overpower his sharingan's perception. A wall of stone rose between the two of them and stopped her jutsu.

With her chakra perfectly masked, he only detected her already falling from the sky, green eyes fierce and tanto ready to stab, because of the sharingan. His arm was fast enough in fetching a kunai from his pouch and blocking her attack. Seeing her surprise attack had failed, she jumped away from him. A safe distance between the two of them. Gohama knew she couldn't win against him in a body to body fight.

Still, she smirked. "Almost got you there, hmm, Copy-nin?"

He narrowed his gaze on that cocky twist of her lips. It was time to use the thousand jutsu he had copied.

With the fast and precise dance of his hands, a giant water dragon flew past him, sharp droplets stabbing into the side of his face. His breathing came out ragged, even if his chakra supply was still high. It always took a bit of a toll to use that justu with no water sources near him. A flick of her wrist and a wave of blue chakra tore the dragon into rain.

He knew she would do that. Semi-long range attacks weren't very efficient with her chakra manipulation. He had to lead her into a close range fight, as genjutsu didn't work on her.

"Do you still think I'm not on Jonin level?"

Well, she was still stuck on that and still didn't understand his reason. He desperately had to win now, just so he could shut down that maddening haughty smirk out of her.

"Let's see."

Gohama let a heavy mist set around them. That was another surprising jutsu for her to know. Until that day, Kakashi had only witnessed Kiri nin accomplishing it, except for himself, but he had had the sharingan to copy it from Zabuza. Bukigakure had taken hold of some Kiri secrets before vanishing from the ninja world. It had been smart of them. With Kyura as master sensors, a battle could be easily and silently won.

The flowing feel of Gohama's chakra was hidden from him and the sharingan couldn't see through the mist. Never once in their spar had she let her chakra spike outside of ninjutsu. Kakashi was blind to her position, her tactic was to keep her distance and attack with jutsu or weapons.

As a wave of senbon raged towards him, he nodded at her furtive choice. In a real battle if they had been bathed in poison, only one scrap was enough. There was no need to fight big and flashy. Yet it surprised him, Gohama had always had a flashy direct style.

Using a wind jutsu he pushed the mist away. He quickly found her, still smirking.

"Are you seriously going to play safe, Kyura?" he was sure to show condescendence.

"Are you just going to wait for me to attack you, Hatake?"

He wasn't. He felt a smug satisfaction at her shock, so poorly masked, at having her feet stuck in mud and stone wrapping around her body. Kakashi quickly stood in front of her and leaned for a curt, "No."

As a response, her gaze focussed on the sharingan, daring him to use it on her. He conceded, even if for his own curiosity at seeing how she perceived it. It was one of his strongest genjutsu. The type that flowed seamlessly from reality into illusion, the type that trapped and wounded for its realness.

The fierce green of her eyes flickered in recognition right away. How was she at a sharingan user level of detection? At least, her mind was still locked in his genjutsu, he could feel it fighting with the sharingan's power, his optical nerve already burning from the strain. Whatever experiment he could improvise would have to happen another time, when they weren't on a mission. His chakra hold on her snapped and she freed herself. The sharp blade of his kunai was already pressed against her throat.

"I'm not that easy." she spat while her chakra split the stone trapping her.

He saw this as an opportunity to trap her in a taijutsu fight. He released a series of attacks and she was forced to defend herself instead of fleeing. He could easily block her plain taijutsu. He noticed her kicks were strained and took advantage of this to catch her by the ankle, when she tried to kick his head. She settled her hands on the floor and rotated so he would be thrown off his feet from the force or release her. Now was his time to kick when she tried to gain her posture.

His sharingan and speed were beginning to overpower her. Knowing this, Gohama became more ruthless. She could have escaped onto safer distance, but she liked the challenge. Kakashi saw it in the fire of her eyes, the ones that had been so dull just yesterday. He responded in kind, punching his way onto her defences and she dodged or protected herself with her forearms.

Taking advantage of her distraction, he used his feet as a pitfall and she stumbled onto the soil. He hastily pinned her down, his knees on her legs and his free hand gripping her wrists, while the other held a kunai to her neck. She looked absolutely peeved with her defeat and he felt like boasting a little.

"I win, Kyura."

Her eyes widen and her mouth twisted. For a second, Gohama just stared at him completely frozen, and the sharingan saw too many heartbeats for such a short time. Kakashi was too confused to fight her when she grabbed his flak jacket and pushed him against the ground. She straddled him and her fists hammered down on him, wild and clumsy. She was punching like a civilian woman and it still hurt. All he could do was raise his forearms and let them take the hits.

"Gohama, stop. What are you doing?"

Her grunts of fury and effort were his only answer, Kakashi was sure she hadn't even heard him. What he had said had triggered this frantic lash out. It had to be because of Dazai.

At least, her attacks were more about releasing pent up emotion rather than effectively wounding him. It made it easier for him to sneak his hands onto her wrists and gripped them firmly against his chest. She still continued to fight him.

A movement made her hair fall away from her face and he could finally study her expression. Her wide green eyes were reddened but she wasn't crying. Her breaths were fast and heavy, the same as her heartbeat. Only once had he seen such emotion in her scared, angered and vulnerable look. It stabbed into him more deeply that he would have liked.

"It's okay, Gohama. It's just me."

Recognition passed through her eyes but she still continued to fight his hold. With a ragged and tired exhale, she gave up, her chin fell down into her chest and all he could see was a curtain of hair. Her arms went limp and he loosened his fingers' lock on them.

"It's just me." He reassured again.

Gohama let her forehead fall onto his chest. He gently brushed her hair and back, trying to ease her with his unsure touch. His insides warmed when he started feeling her give in. Finally she was giving in into his attempts at supporting her. It gave him a sort of high mixed with comfort.

It lasted too short a time. Gohama stiffened against him. In an instant, she was up again and a cool draft of wind swept over his front.

"I have to go." her voice was the perfect model of blankness.

"Wait, Gohama, we'll go—"

"I'm sorry I freaked out on you, but I just need to take a walk." She never said she was sorry to people.

She disappeared into a swirl of snowflakes. He sighed and sprawled himself back on the prickly ground. Her walls could never come down that easily.

* * *

Kakashi waited for her in the hotel room. It was already evening and she hadn't come back. His concern was eating at him until he couldn't wait anymore. He summoned Pakkun and asked him to find where she was. He came back saying she was on a room five floors above them.

Why had she came back there? He had told her that day those shackles were unbreakable for human chakra. He had used them in prisoners and people had used them on him before. It was hopeless.

His own plans for killing Dazai didn't bring any consolation. The mission was an S-rank seduction one for a reason. They were stuck. He knew she wouldn't give up, even if there wasn't any chance of completing it, she wouldn't give up.

Kakashi stopped pacing around the room and sat at the dining table. He brushed a hand over his hair and took off his hitai-ate. Then he wrote a letter to Tsunade asking if the mission could be changed into a regular assassination one. He being the team leader and more experienced would be the one to assassinate, however his mission of protecting Gohama would still be on.

He pulled out a scroll and swiped a bloody thumb over it. One of Konoha's massager birds appeared and he let it fly out of the balcony. Tsunade's response should arrive the next day at night.

Gohama came back almost at dawn. Her expression weary and empty, the same as when she stared into nothingness at the balcony. He smiled and said her name and, like the other nights, she went straight to the bathroom. She reeked of Dazai, more than the other nights. It made his blood boil and heart sink.

She came back to the balcony for her bedtime scotch shots, tonight they were five. She had already been stumbling a little, he hoped from alcohol only. Then, she hid herself under the covers. Soon, he followed her to bed. He lay down on the farthest spot from her, his back turned to her.

"I know the combination of the window seal." Gohama informed matter-of-factly.

"You're not going back to Dazai. I sent a letter to Tsunade."

"What?" She hissed.

"Her response will come tomorrow but I'm sure this will change to a regular mission."

"You think I can't do it…" she was hurt.

"Not with the chakra shackles."

"You think I'm too weak to endure it… It's just sex."

"Is it just sex? You changed your pyjamas, you stopped wearing t-shirts or shorts. He bruises you."

"I'm just cold."

Kakashi laughed at her lame excuse, he didn't know what else to do.

"Why don't you let me help you?"

"This is my mission, it's for me to complete it."

"No, Gohama, it isn't. I'm the team leader and I have enough reason to see this approach won't take us anywhere. This is our mission."

"You only came so I wouldn't be alone."

He finally turned towards her. She also had her back turned to him. "Then why don't you let me be with you."

A bitter scoff. "You're here, aren't you?"

"But you're not."

She stayed quiet. He placed his hand on her shoulder and gently turned her to face him. Her eyes were hazy and tired, but there was a proud starkness in them. The one that had kept her from tearing or fading apart after so many years. At least, that hadn't worn away. Yet.

"Why don't you talk to me? Or pass out from alcohol? Or cry? You're so moderate, so blank, Gohama. Why don't you react? All you do is stare at the city and drink but never until you're truly drunk. You need to let it out or you're going to drown, Gohama."

She tilted her face away from him. "I did freak out today."

"And that was the only human thing you did since this started. The only time you were here. You almost gave in, why did you stop?"

"What do you want from me?" she breathed out tiredly.

"You need to react. To talk or cry."

"I'm a kunoichi."

"And that wouldn't make you any less of a kunoichi." He sighed, he knew little of what he said would make a difference. "You don't have to be proud with me, Gohama." his tone came out more pleading than he would have liked.

"I just want to sleep." She made an act of it by closing her eyes and ignoring him.

Kakashi's hand on her shoulder prevented her from rolling away, instead turning her to face him. With a hesitant gesture, he extended his arm to wrap around her back loosely. Gohama didn't seem uncomfortable, just indifferent as she continued on her act of sleep. He was glad she had allowed him to be there with her.

He woke up in the middle of what he supposed was the morning. The hotel blinds were high quality and the room was covered in night's dimness. Their distance was wider now, but her hand and fingers had sneaked to the front of his masked mouth. The warmth irradiating from them was taunting him, if she were awake she would feel his breaths on the back of her hand.

But Gohama was awake. A thing he had learned about her on this mission was that she looked completely different when asleep. Her features turned into soft lines and almost candid. But now, Kakashi could see the hardness that always loomed in her expression when awake. Gohama opened her eyes, no sleep whirled in her green, only resolve. What was she resolved about at seven in the morning, two hours of sleep in?

Her hand moved so slowly and hesitantly it didn't match the look in her eyes. The pad of her finger grazed his chin. When he didn't stop her, her fingers continued their path through his jaw and cheek, her touch always feathery and gentle on his mask. The warmth of her fingerprints settled on his lips, as she traced the shape that she couldn't see.

Kakashi closed his eyes, so she could continue her explorations without the pressure of his gaze. He could still feel hers thorough his eyelids. Or maybe it was just so he could savour her touches deeper and her scent sharper. He didn't dare move nor open his eyes, afraid of scaring her off like what had happened yesterday.

She parted onto his covered cheek, there was innocent curiosity in her touches. Sliding onto his nose, she first felt the uncovered part and then the other. His brow, the soft eyelid of his dark eye and forehead. She traced every crease and plain of his face, except for the rugged scar over his left eyebrow, eye and cheek. She played with the hem of his mask and started hooking her slender fingers in it. He now had to move. He opened his eyes and held her hand gently.

Gohama understood. She held his hand back and placed it on her hip. Then went back to studying his face with soft and warm fingers. He started brushing her hip tenderly, his eyes asking for permission and she agreed. He mimicked her gestures on her hip, waist, stomach and back.

She left his skin and moved towards his hair. The pleased sigh he was holding finally escaped. He jerked his eyes open, afraid of having scared her. She smiled simply and continued with her kind caresses. He pushed her closer and she slightly gripped his hair as he did so. Their bodies still weren't touching.

He risked adventuring on her hip under her shirt. He could feel the tingles and goose bumps on her skin from his contact. He pulled the shirt upwards until it reached her ribs. He didn't look down to see the bruises he was sure were there. With careful twirls and traces, he soothed the skin, his eyes watching her expression intently for any sign that he was hurting her. If he did, she never showed it.

Gohama moved her hand onto his shoulder and collarbone and chest. Even through the tight undershirt he always wore, Kakashi still had to control the tantalising feel of her touch. When her touch slid onto his waist, so she could push herself closer, a trill ran through his body and settled on his lap. He didn't want this in that way, this wasn't meant to be that way.

"Gohama… we should stop…"

Her hand moved to the uncovered skin on his arm. Her thumb focussed on the rough raise of a deep scar he had there.

"I need the touch of a man that isn't he."

He sighed. Why had he let himself go on a dry period for so long? "My body is reacting."

"I don't mind. I just need you to be gentle."

He took his eyes off her and looked down. She pushed his jaw up, showing she wanted him to look at her. He did. Her eyes dim in the darkness, firm and calm. "I trust you."

The words ripped into him, his heart pounding heavier, his muscles tensing. The three simple words stirred his guilt, the same of the day he had kissed her, the same that was latent in him when he was with her or saw her or thought of her. But it also stirred his affection, that was bursting from inside with all this caring he hadn't known he had for her.

Maybe it was this strange intimate thing he had never experienced with any other woman, of just sharing little caresses for no other reason but that. Maybe it was because of this mission. Gohama had awakened in him a softness that he could only compare to the one he had for his students. But, no matter how nice it felt now, it would always be bitter, he would never be able to clean his care from his guilt. That was why he cared about her, wasn't it?

Somehow, feeling all this for Gohama didn't scare him and that was what scared him even more. But he couldn't move away from her now. Not when she needed this and not when, deep down, he also wanted it for his own selfish reasons that liked her intimate and innocent touch.

She took his hand from her hip and laid it on her face, his fingers on her jaw and neck, his thumb on her mouth. She conducted his small and soft caresses and then left him to lead. He did. He gently learned the feel and silkiness of her skin and hair, the warmth of her neck and mouth. She closed her eyes and gave in to his comforting traces, until she fell asleep.

* * *

In the morning, everything was as it had been before. Gohama had let her need for a gentle touch lead her and she didn't regret it. During the night, she had thought her pride would break in the morning and make her vulnerability heavy on her shoulders, but it didn't.

Kakashi's behaviour also helped, he had been there as he said he would, even with his own doubts, and now he wasn't awkward or pushy. He knew she had just needed his comforting tenderness and wasn't asking for anything more than that. It was a moment and it stayed only in the time it had happened.

What made Gohama uneasy was her trust in him. Those three little words had affected him. She had seen both the guilt and the care. But the strange guilt she always saw in him didn't affect her trust and it scared her. She couldn't tell when she had let herself trust. The mission was tearing at her but he kept himself there so she could lean on him. She had done it finally last night and it eased her. This only proved her trust wasn't misguided and that scared her more. Security was dangerous because nothing was ever secure. Even if uncle Tsukate trusted Kakashi, he was a liability. They worked and got along together well, he also exuded a sense of safety, but she barely knew him and he didn't show himself. Gohama didn't want to get hurt and her trust was dearest to her, if broken she would break with it.

During this mission, she would let herself trust because she needed it to push her forward. That was probably the reason why it had happened so quickly. Once in Konoha again, she wouldn't need him anymore and could shut him out. Yes, she wouldn't need him.

As they sat on the balcony, Kakashi reading and Gohama drinking, the phone rang. She was the one to pick it up.

"Dazai-sama wants to inform you that today is festival night at the casino and Kyura Gohama is to accompany him. A kimono will be brought for you to dress."

Gohama's gut crumbled inside her. It was one thing to lay down and let him fuck her, the fact that she no longer needed to fake any appreciation was somewhat relieving. Now, she had to pretend she wanted him during an entire night. He probably wanted to show her off and it all made everything impossibly disgusting. She was a toy, his toy.

Maybe, she would be able to kill him that night. Bring him alone to a dark corner and stab him while being stabbed herself and quickly let Kakashi know so he could run away and maybe live. The possibility was small, but it existed. She would endure a night of faking while gagging inside if it meant all could end.

"What was it?" Kakashi asked as she sat beside him.

"I have a date with Dazai. It's festival night."

"You're not going." he said matter-of-factly.

"The letter from Tsunade hasn't arrived, which means the mission is still my mission."

"I'm the team leader."

"I'm the one who's being fucked by the target so he is assassinated."

Kakashi looked down in defeat. "Well, I'm the Copy Ninja." He tried playfully.

Gohama followed his effort. "And I'm the last Kyura."

"I'm the great genius Kakashi of the Sharingan."

"I'm the great genius with every chakra nature affinity."

"I have a thousand jutsu."

"You copied a thousand jutsu."

She smirked at his wounded reaction.

"They are still mine."

"I have a kekkei genkai."

"I also have a kekkei genkai." he said as he lifted his headband to show the sharingan.

"But it's not yours. You know," she exaggerated her wondering look with a finger to her chin "now that I think about it, none of your great qualities are actually yours."

"My charm and great looks are." he corrected with all the feigned confidence of a person who spoke the truth.

Gohama laughed.

"I wouldn't know I never saw your face… nor your charm."

Kakashi didn't quip something back as she had expected. The tingling weight of his gaze made her look away from the city to him. He was staring at her with gentle eyes and what she could imagine was a gentle smile under the mask. It made her very uncomfortable.

"What?"

"You laughed."

Gohama averted her eyes back to the balcony's view. The heat forming on her cheeks warning her of an annoying blush. "It's a normal reaction of mine to ridiculous copy ninjas." she mumbled.

"Then I should try and be more ridiculous. Although it's rather impossible for me."

She rolled her eyes. "You keep telling yourself that."

A knock on the door came. Gohama was the one to answer it, expecting it to be the kimono. It was. She laid it on the bed and sadly scrutinised it. It was beautiful. Green, the same colour as her eyes, with grey and white small and thin curling flowers and twigs. The obi was a matching light shade of grey. It was simple and tasteful. It reminded her of something Mother would choose. But it was Dazai's and she would have to wear it for him. She must have stared for quite some time, because Kakashi approached her and put his warm and heavy hand on her shoulder.

"You don't have to go."

Couldn't he understand the temptation was too great? That he was only helping her yield to her weakness and fail? That in the end it would only make her miserable?

"And waste the opportunity to wear such a beautiful kimono? I'm going. Are you?"

"Of course."

"Then it should be fun. I'm actually curious to see how a mask would look on traditional clothes."

"Considering I'll be the one to wear it, rather handsome."

* * *

The casino was decorated with yellow, red and brown leaves, celebrating the end of summer and beginning of autumn. It reminded her of home. In the Land of Snow, celebrating the colouring of fields was one of their festivals. She used to make leaf decorations with her friends and offer them to their mothers and families. She would forever save the memory of her last autumn festival in the Arms with aching care. Because Kiku was on a cold weather zone the costumes were similar to her Village and her circumstances now made it all more gashing.

One of the staff showed them to the low table were Dazai sat drinking. He wasn't wearing traditional clothes. He viciously and hungrily smirked as he saw her coming. His vindictive lust mingled with even more violence. Kakashi seemed to notice this, as he lightly rubbed her back. It didn't comfort her though.

"Kyura," he had stopped calling her Gohama for some time "you look ravishing. I should have put you in a kimono a long time ago. Just so that I could rip it off your body."

She didn't think she could endure this humiliation all night.

"And ruin such beautiful clothes?"

"Like I would care. Here" he patted his lap "take a sit."

She sat next to him instead, sure that he would fuck her anyway that night, but he forcefully pushed her on top of him. Kakashi went to sit next to them.

"As you all noticed" Dazai was speaking to the others at the table "today we have great company. The last Kyura, always an honour" his tone was mocking "and the Copy Nin of Konoha."

He glanced towards Kakashi and some people gasped, while others greeted him.

"Yo." was all he said while opening his _Icha Icha_.

Dazai filled a glass for Gohama. "I'm sorry. But today we only have sake."

Gohama avidly drank what was given to her. They sat at the table drinking most of the night. Dazai's touches were more rough and daring. Gohama felt ashamed of being handled like that in public. She would manage to calm his ravenous hands went they passed the unbearable barrier. Once they began sliding up her inner thighs, she playfully threatened to castrate him. After a couple of hours, most of the table had gone away to the gambling area.

"Hey, Hatake" Dazai called "You must get lonely these nights. I can arrange some company for today."

"I'm good."

Danzai nodded towards a beautiful blond woman and she approached the table.

"Look up from your book." Kakashi indulged him "What man can say no to legs and tits like these?"

Kakashi turned back to his book. "I prefer brunettes.

Gohama was sure he had playfully looked at her when he said it.

"That can be arranged too."

"I'm still good."

"Or men."

"Not my type."

"Don't even try it, Dazai, I'm pretty sure Kakashi is celibate." A smirk towards her teammate accompanied her mocking.

Their hidden banter was obvious, because Dazai gripped her jaw and jerked it towards him, so she would look at him instead.

"You're fucking him." he growled.

Gohama knew she shouldn't say it, she knew it would make things worse. The words were spat from her mouth without a care. "It's none of your business who I fuck."

His grip was now on her neck, as he pushed her towards the table. She grunted in pain as her back and head bashed the table and then the floor when it broke. He hovered over her.

"It is because you're mine." another growl of ownership.

In her there was no fear, only murderous determination. That sadistic beast inside of her screaming for her to kill him. She would, as she saw him nearing her, Gohama was ready to slice his exposed throat. All the desire of past days, begging to be completed. Her resolve was cut by a slow impassive voice.

"Don't worry, Dazai. I would never fuck the Kyura after you touched her." there was an inch of aversion that stabbed into Gohama.

She looked at Kakashi, trying to read him, but his hair covered his face as he was hunched over his book. She should be grateful he had stopped her from her irrational impulsion and from Dazai's wrath, but she couldn't. His words, although meant only to save the situation, hurt her. She hated herself for that. She hated that they showed the weak feelings she had tried to suppress during this mission. The words reflected all the disgust and loathing she felt for herself. They hit the spot and it hurt her.

Dazai brought her back to his lap. He pressed his greedy tongue onto Gohama's neck and slid it up to her earlobe. She shivered and closed her eyes, trying to blank herself from the sensation. She had one of her hands on his shoulder for steadiness and used it to caress her way into his neck. It could be so simple and quick.

His words started rolling from his tongue, creeping into her ear, with his moist and alcohol filled breath. "You're mine, Kyura." he whispered.

Her being screamed and her hand was ready to receive the summoned kunai. This was the end of the mission. She couldn't take it anymore.

"Gohama."

He grounded her. Fuck. What was she doing? They would both die. She was risking his life too. She turned to him.

"We should go back to the room. We have a long day tomorrow."

He knew she couldn't bear it anymore, he knew she had almost fucked it up.

"No. You're staying with me tonight." Dazai spoke with authority.

He also knew that if she went with Dazai, he would finally break every little part of her.

"I think that's really up to her."

Before she could speak, Dazai signalled for his three bodyguards to surround Kakashi, who didn't waver. The threat was clear. Mission to complete or not, there was little option for her other than to go with Dazai.

"I want to stay." She said firmly

"That way you'll ruin my mission."

She would ruin it, he wouldn't be able to protect her. But she had her mission too and both their lives on the line.

"It'll be fine. Go to sleep and I'll meet you later."

Gohama offered him a small smile.

She rose with determination and held Dazai's hand. She led him away with a seductive glance over her shoulder, her green flirtatious stare focused only on him. "Let's go to your room."

* * *

_In part II, Hansuke and Gohama had commented his genin team photograph where there was a purple haired girl, Uzuki Yugao. I chose to make Yugao Hansuke's other teammate along with Iruka. In the anime, she has the same age as Hansuke and was in Kakashi's ANBU squad. _


	29. III - Chapter 9

Part III | Chapter 8

* * *

**Warning: This scene had depictions of violence and gore **(there is an important plot point in this scene. So you won't miss it, i'll signal for the gore with ***gore*** if you can't read it)

A rebel single tear fell from her eye, down her nose onto his sheets. The first tear in five years. Not because of her dead Village. Not because of her dead clan. Not because of her dead family. A tear because of her target. There was no other word for him. He wasn't an attacker, he wasn't a rapist. She had consented. She was consenting even when a tear fell from her eye. She wasn't a victim, if there was a victim it would be him. She was here to kill him.

She was a whore. She was selling her body for a kill, no not for a kill, Konoha was selling her for a kill. She was selling her body for an S-rank mission. One she would probably never finish. For the prestige, for the full envelop of money, for her own pride. And all of that tasted of self-loathing now. Regret. Even if she knew she would do it again.

A tear because of her target.

He finished with the same fucked up boasting words as always, grunted between heavy pants against her ear. He fell onto her back. She couldn't breathe with his weight crushing her down. There was nothing else to do. She didn't move from the same position. Her eyes were fixed on her own in the mirror next to the bed, the mirror he had forced her to watch him fuck her, as he pressed her twisted neck into the pillow. Her arm was still warped around her back. He hadn't needed to pin it so hard against her ribs, it was locked there now, maybe forever, she was in too much pain to know if she could ever move it again. There was nothing else to do.

He rolled to the spot next to her and sighed contently. The bed shifted beside her and she could see he was looking at her reflection in the mirror, but her eyes never moved from her own. He harshly pulled her arm away from her back with her wrist. His clammy hand slid the length of her spine.

"My doll."

Not that word. At least, let him not ruin that word, the one Hansuke loved to irk her with. The annoyance at his teasing seemed so sweet, so stupid now.

"My Kyura doll."

Could she tell him to shut up? Could she rip that coarse tongue? She had never felt so weak as when her mouth didn't speak the words her mind was shouting. Weakness had always been her weakness.

When he fell asleep, she could finally move away. She almost vomited when she saw her body in the mirror. It wasn't particularly gory, she had seen herself much worse. But the marks were deep under her skin, deeper than she had ever felt them.

"Where are you going?"

She almost screamed from the shock at his voice.

"To my room."

He gave a visceral amused laugh. "There's none of that tonight, my doll. None of that for any more nights, you're my doll."

Fuck, he was sick. Gohama went to pick up the fallen kimono and he appeared behind her, gripping her wrist to her back. Her front hit the mirror with a loud thud.

"What part of «you're my doll» didn't you understand?" he growled "You're not leaving."

"Kakashi" she felt sick for using him as a shield "won't let you keep me."

"He'll be too dead to have a choice."

Gohama flung her head back hard against his nose. His grip loosened and she twisted around quickly enough to hit him with her chakra shackle to his throat. He stumbled back slightly and she took advantage of that time to try to bust her shackles. Without her chakra she was dead.

She threw her wrist against the sharp corner where two walls met. A groan escaped her mouth at the pain from her already damaged wrist. The cuff didn't even crack. Another wrist and the same useless result. He was still trying to breathe while leaning against the bed.

There was nothing in the room she could use as a weapon, so she lunged towards him and hoped her body was enough. Again she used the metal of the cuffs and, with the highest strength she could conjure, aimed for his head. His hand caught her arm before she could hit him.

An instant where they glared at each other spread for an eternity. The instant that served as a line between two moments. The quiet, looming instant bursting of threat and peace. A cold war. Then a click sounded. A click of two chakra shackles unlocking. The air was filled with mingled fire and water chakra, raging, boiling. The line was cut and the next moment ran under the order of time.

Gohama was swung against the mirror. It shattered along with her skull. She saw her bleeding head reflected back at her in a thousand pieces. She almost chuckled at how dumb she had been. After four fucking nights, there was her weapon, her glass kunai.

She grabbed two shards, throwing one against him, which he evaded and using the other to stab him. He managed to dodge slightly and it pierced the side of his lower stomach. His hands clamped together and she threw herself at him, if he did a hand sign she was dead.

Not caring if her hands were burning from the cuts, she grabbed another shard and frantically tried to tear her way into his throat. He somersaulted over the bed and landed on the other side from her, fumbling with his bedside table. He picked it up and threw it towards her. Gohama ducked down and a sharp pinch hit her thigh. A syringe.

He smiled victoriously at her, a wild madness behind his eyes. "It will work soon enough."

She went to stab him again but he caught her wrist and unarmed her. Then he hit her with the back of his hand. The blow had chakra and she fell onto the bed from the force. He didn't waste time before straddling her and grasping her throat with his hand, the other pinning both her hands to her stomach. She squirmed around with every ounce of strength in her and soon gave up.

He watched her intently as he choked her. She didn't know if he was trying to kill her or not, because he could have broken her neck in a second. But where would his enjoyment be in that? He relished on her gasps and fading light like a starved man.

And in Gohama's desperate heart, ruled over by her dying body, grew the hope of being saved. Kakashi, her heart called and her heart waited for him to burst through the perfectly sealed door, her heart waited for his gloved hand to slid a kunai through the neck she was eyeing, her heart waited for him to take her away from that room, that bed, those hands. Her heart waited but she knew he wouldn't come. Still, she waited.

"The Kyura… You fucking bastards." he grunted as his gawking gaze grew more avid "I was there, you know," he started laughing in amusement "the day your little fucking Village was destroyed."

Gohama's fading conscious opened wide awake. Was he mocking her, taunting her as she died? No. She knew that boastful tone of his. It wasn't a lie.

"I was one of the rogue that helped Akatsuki. You know them? Good guys. They were after the Jinchuriki."

Her already tattered heart wept more achingly, its cries tore through her veins, but the tears for her Village wouldn't come.

"They just said do what you want and we pay you, just don't kill any Kyura. The fucking amount of missing nin that appeared that day! We brought your fucking Village down!"

Gohama's guts started burning. Her eyes stinging. She had to move. Move! Her mind screamed to her muscles, but they wouldn't obey. Move! She repeated desperately, with the force of a monk chanting his litany with all the faith inflaming his body. She shouted and shouted to herself, and maybe if she believed enough she would move. Gohama could fail her mission, she could fail Kakashi, she could fail Konoha, but not the Arms, never again could she fail the Arms.

"It was a fucking glorious night when the Arms was destroyed!"

A burst of rage flooded through Gohama's blood. Hate, so much burning hate, she could feel the scorching heat in her skin, in her bones, in her veins. The energy buried deep inside her, the energy that had meant the Arms' end shoved into her core. The dark seal on her forearm flowered around her flesh. A terrifying, murderous chakra flooded every pathway in crashing waves. It was too powerful for a girl as her and yet she thrived with it. She wasn't weak anymore, she was the purest, rawest power in the world. She ruled and dominated.

A ragged, muffled chuckle tore from her crushed throat. Dark blue power circled around her body. It had broken free with her hate and pain.

The beastly chakra cloaked her in reigning power. It was hers. Finally, Gohama could be the Kyura jinchuriki.

He screamed in pain burned by it. He swiftly rolled away and fell onto the floor. Gohama could move. The raw power ignited her insides. The previous emptiness had been filled with lust for blood and revenge. She was maniac, she could feel it in her boiling blood and shivering skin. She welcomed it in every cell of her body, the sadistic beast rejoiced in it.

Gohama overruled him now. She dominated him now.

Gohama followed him to where he had fell. Her majesty hung over the shrieking man.

***gore***

His frightened eyes watched in disbelief. He tried screaming, but she stuffed his mouth with her obi. He tried making hand seals. She quickly summoned a sword and cut off his hands.

"Your hands for touching me."

He started laughing and spit out the obi. He was hysterical and amused. There was no longer horror in his disfigured face.

"Your eyes… Your chakra…" he laughed again "You're the lost jinchuriki! I fucked the ten tails fucking jinchuriki!"

All she felt was hate and pity at his insane outburst. He knew he would die and his scared mind tried to find victory in anything it could grab onto.

"And now you'll die by the ten tails jinchuriki." she stuffed her hand in his mouth and pulled his tongue out "Your tongue for licking me."

She cut off his tongue. She crushed his vocal cords to make him quiet. He was hard. She almost threw up at her revulsion over him. He was a sick man and he had fucked her. She held his length in her hand.

"Your cock for fucking me."

She cut off his penis. The hardness made blood spurt out from the wound. It landed on Gohama and the floor and walls and bed. There was now only pain and defeat in his eyes. She held him by his hair and pulled his torso out of the ground. First, she absorbed some of his chakra. Then, she brought more dark blue chakra on to her hand. How it suited her skin perfectly, how she moulded it as if belonged to her cells.

"Your heart for slaughtering my Village."

She thrust her hand into the place where his heart was pounding. The ribs shattered. The heart burned and crushed at her merciless grip. She pushed her arm into his back and she felt and heard his ribs shatter again. The sharp bones melting in contact with her blue energy. Her hand came through the other side. She let the body fall onto the floor again and it left its embrace on her forearm. A hole in his chest.

***gore***

"I win, Dazai." she said to the dead body.

The power began fading away. Her confident and dominant state vanishing with it. Her body started aching and her hands trembling. The pain brought comprehension. The mission was done. Her first S-rank. There was little victory or relief. She felt exhausted, disgusting and defeated. She realised she was naked. Her only clothes were the kimono under the fallen body. She had to take it and go back to Kakashi. They had to leave that place quickly.

Her steps were heavy and her legs aching. The realisation of what had happened plunged into her ruthlessly. She started losing control of her lungs, her breathing heavy and frantic. This was no time to freak out. She had to leave.

Quickly she brought his stolen chakra onto her hand and opened the window seal. The cold air of the night did nothing to quiet her raging mind and body. She started stumbling towards the railing. She just had to get to Kakashi.

* * *

It had been almost two hours since Gohama had left him to go with Dazai. All his blood was telling him to go to her. He already regretted allowing her to leave. He gripped Tsunade's letter tighter, letting it crunch up in his fist. It arrived soon after he had entered their room. Too late. In everything Kakashi was always too late.

The scotch was seducing him, but he couldn't be reckless. Gohama might need him, he had to be sharp, even if it meant taking on the full aching fear and concern breaking through him. This fucking mission. He couldn't bear it anymore.

He had to be there for Gohama. He felt so ridiculous. She was the one getting fucked by Dazai. She needed him strong and stout, she needed him there like the night before. She had finally freed herself from some stones of her proud walls, she trusted him. He couldn't fail her. He would be miserable if he failed her.

The night before… she had shown her despair for a tender touch after Dazai. She had asked him, she had chosen him. If it had been any other kunoichi, he wouldn't have let it happen and that frightened him. His care burst so wildly now, so sorely. He had forgotten what it was like. But he hadn't forgotten the pain it always brought him.

He couldn't allow himself this. For him and for Gohama. His guilt would never leave him and his care would always be nurtured out of it. And he couldn't let Gohama trust him. It would break her. He had hurt her and he would hurt her again, it was inevitable.

After this mission, he would have to distance himself. She was already suspecting something. She made him careless and hasty. He would end up showing something away or even letting it slip. It tore on him not telling her the truth, but his loyalty was still above all to Konoha.

He pushed these thoughts away. The after-mission didn't matter now. Gohama was still with Dazai. She would come back, she had said so herself. She had come back every night, this one would be no different. It couldn't. He had to stay there. That's what broke him more, having to do nothing. He would wait. She would come.

And she did. The relief that flooded him quickly washed away when he saw blood on her torn kimono. He rushed towards her, she had fallen from the top balcony and was having trouble getting up. He held her arms.

"Don't touch me." she hissed, pushing him away and threw herself onto the railing, away from him.

"Gohama, what happened? You're covered in blood…"

"It's not mine."

She managed to get up and started walking inside. He couldn't see her face, covered by her dark hair. Her movements were frantic and clumsy.

"Gohama, talk to me, what happened?" he calmly asked while following her.

"I just need a shower. It's okay. It's done."

"What?"

"The mission it's done. It's done. I did it."

The news that this fucking mission was complete didn't relieve him. She was hurt and she was frantic, the bastard had done something to her. He just didn't want it to be true. She fell. He didn't manage to catch her before she hit the ground. He turned her over and saw a deep gash on the edge of her hairline. Blood tainted her pale white skin. Her eyes were blurred, the pupil dilated, almost black. There was relief and pain and something else in them. He was careful not to touch her as she had asked.

"I need you to talk to me, Gohama."

"It's done. I did it. We have to go back."

"Is this his blood?"

"Yes. He's dead. I killed him. I killed him…"

"Gohama, where did he hurt you?"

"Fuck… I'm drifting…"

Her eyelids were closing and speech blurring.

"What?"

"He drugged me… I'm going out…"

Her eyes closed and her body was limp.

"Gohama. Stay with me." he shook her a little "Gohama, how did he hurt you?"

It was useless. She was out. His fear and concern didn't change. She had come back but in what state. He already knew how he had hurt her. He prayed, he begged for his suspicions to be wrong, but he already knew. Gently opening her bloody kimono he saw what he already knew, what he had already smelled. No… please no… There was no denying it. Her body had the marks to tell.

* * *

The red light pierced her eyes. She tried forcing her lids shut, but it didn't seem to help. There was someone beside her, she could sense the familiar chakra signature, but couldn't remember who it belonged to. Her head was still throbbing. There was the weight of sheets on her and a nauseating smell of disinfectant. She was probably at a hospital. She just didn't remember getting there nor what had happened before. Was it a mission? Did she almost die? Maybe it was Hansuke next to her. No. This wasn't his chakra, this one was wild and contained and its base nature lightning. Lightning… Kakashi. But what was Kakashi doing there?

Then, her merciless memory resurfaced with all its pain and repulsion and shame and loathing. The last thing she remembered was being in some lost forest on their way to Konoha. It had been better not to remember anything at all.

Gohama started feeling her hands tremble and her heartbeat quickening. The machine beside her showed it too, so clearly for anyone to hear and see. She pulled out the clamp stuck around her index finger. At least now the machine wasn't boasting her freaking out to the room. She couldn't give in to weakness, not with him there. She forced stillness and indifference before opening her eyes.

Gohama could recognise that white ceiling anywhere. Moving herself to sit up, the soreness in her ribs and the cruel throb of her head made themselves clear.

"Why am I in a hospital bed in Konoha?"

Kakashi scratched the back of his head. "Ah. Well, you see..."

"Did you drug me so you could carry me?" Gohama also remembered how relentlessly she had fought for her independence in walking back to Konoha.

"No, you passed out from a concussion."

"Concussion, huh? That explains the headache and dizziness." It had been a harsh journey through uneven terrain and the still warm weather of Fire's autumn.

"And I did carry you, but only for an hour until I found an ANBU team and asked them for a teleportational scroll."

She scoffed. "Like they would give it to you."

Gohama brought her hand up to her head and the bandage on her hairline. She remembered how that wound had happened perfectly. There was nothing like being thrown into a mirror for both a nasty gash and a concussion.

"They did after I paid them a great amount." he said with playful accusation.

"Why are you looking at me? It was your choice. I was passed out if you remember. How many days out?"

"Just a few hours."

That was not so bad. Her sharpest pain was between her legs. It was a constant aching reminder of what she passed through. Every pulse of pain forced her memories and emotions into reliving. Her hand moved to her stomach and she sent a small pulse of medical chakra to assess her injuries. There was little to feel.

"Pass me my file." She asked with an extended hand. Kakashi hesitated "File."

Gingerly Kakashi gave it to her.

She had an almost masochistic need of knowing what he had done to her. She couldn't ignore what had happened on that mission.

The written pages said it themselves. It was written now, it would be filed and it would be stored between all the other medical files. It was marked on those white sheets and it was marked in her aching insides and beaten up heart.

Gohama had always secretly lamented not being able to form scars because of Seiryu's beast chakra. Scars were a reminder of the sacrifice of a ninja, of the battles won and almost lost, of survival and duty. Gohama had none, not even callouses on her hands. She could pass by as a civilian and she was a full kunoichi, especially after this mission.

Yet, now she thanked the tailed beast locked inside of her for keeping away the marks of Dazai's touch. Even if she felt them deep inside her flesh, at least she wouldn't see them when she showered or looked in a mirror.

Seiryu, the ten tails dragon. If she hadn't been a jinchuriki, Gohama would be dead by now. It had been the first time since the massacre his chakra had leaked when she was awake, and then she had had Father to reinforce the seal. Only asleep did her seal falter, which made everything more dangerous. Gohama would have to be careful with the nightmares she knew would come.

All the raw power that had ignited her had vanished completely, leaving only weariness and emptiness in her.

"I bet I look like shit. Have you read it?"

The list was long. Concussion, trauma to the head, laceration to the lip, cheek, bruises, internal bleeding, vaginal laceration…

"Yes."

She could no longer feel most of her injuries, they had been healed by medic nin, but they were still marked on that piece of paper and on her crushed self. …, broken wrist, broken rib...

"A broken rib, so that's why it hurt when I breathed." she commented nonchalantly.

"You're starting to sound like me." Kakashi chuckled a little, no amusement behind the sound.

"It's better to put me down before the misery starts then."

"Good to know you're feeling good enough to insult me." he joked lightly.

"I'm not good enough for anything." she lashed out on him, before she could catch her words.

Kakashi jerked slightly at her reaction, and then his eye softened. It was such a pained, gentle look, almost vulnerable, so new in his features, she had to turn her head away from him, to the window.

"You're wrong." he added, his voice the same as his eye.

Gohama clenched her teeth and closed her eyes. "Stop it. I don't need your reassurance." she told him and she told herself.

There was only Kakashi there. It was strange that none of her teammates were there to see her. Had they hidden the fact that she had arrived? Maybe they were on a mission. It was best this way, though. She didn't want them to know what had happened. She felt so deeply ashamed it seemed to mix with her self-disgust. She could hardly tell which was which.

How could she face them now, looking like a tattered broken doll? Dazai's broken doll. That's what he had called her and he had been the one to break her while he played with her. Was it really his fault? Gohama knew what she was signing in for. She had used it against him. She had killed him.

It didn't feel enough. There was still so much hate for him, so vivid it couldn't be for a dead person, a person she had ripped the heart out. Was the hate because of what he had done to Buki or to her?

Gohama didn't know. She was too tired to discern it now. The crushing emotions of the mission were too speckled and chaotic for her to drain herself with arranging them. Feeling them was enough.

It was awkward now, their silence. If Kakashi would just take his book out and pretend to be reading, maybe it would have been less noticeable. This time he decided to lean his chin against his palm and offer only the most bored expression he had while looking at nothing but the fabric of her bedding. Why was he even here? He hated hospitals, why wouldn't he just leave her alone and in quiet?

"You should go."

"So you can run away? I see the way you're eyeing the window, Gohama."

She leaned her head back on her pillow. "I'm not eyeing the window."

"Waiting for someone, then?" He raised an amused eyebrow and she answered with an unimpressed glare. "Your team is on a mission. They should get back today or tomorrow."

"I don't want them to know." But Hansuke… She wanted to see him. He was always the one that comforted her with his presence alone. It seemed she didn't mind him knowing if it meant he would be there sitting where Kakashi was. "Well, Nikato and Kisamaru, at least." She added quietly. "You were right, Kakashi." A whisper now.

"Maa, I'm right a lot of times." He propped his back against the chair, more alert, and put his fists in his pockets. "What about?"

She looked down at the small roll she was making with the bed sheets. "The mission. I don't regret accepting it. But it... I hate it when you're right."

"I hate it too."

He put his hand on her knee and she shuddered at the sudden intrusion. He quickly pulled it away from her.

"I'm sorry."

She felt stupid with her impulsive reaction. She couldn't control it. Now Kakashi had the same guilty look he always seemed to have, but boosted into a level that made him look like a kicked puppy.

"No, it's okay. It's just... I don't know..."

Gohama had promised herself not to be vulnerable again. In her mind, when she held his hand, it was because she didn't want him to feel guilty, not because she needed his safe warmth.

She laid it on her stomach. The energy that flowed from his hand directly into her chakra core mingled with her own. After the mission, Kakashi's buzzing chakra had gained a new feel to her. The tingling sensation his lightning nature had always given her was still present. And yet, it felt different. It no longer made her hairs rise in alertness. It was familiar and more than soothing, as Hansuke's earthy and warm flow, it was safe, even in its contained wildness.

Maybe that was what made it safe, Kakashi's ability of dominating the unruliness of lightning that flowed through his pathways. The raikiri was the embodiment of this into a jutsu. It was a sign of prowess and power. How would his chakra feel if he let it run freely?

"You can talk to me, you know."

"I know." She offered him a small smile as response.

"Don't smile like that."

"What's wrong with my smile?"

"It's the same you gave me when you left for his room."

Kakashi complained about her, but his expression wasn't any better, it only seeped deeper against her wounds.

"And you. Don't look at me like that. I hate pity."

"It's not pity. I don't pity you, Gohama."

"I don't care just stop it. And the guilt too. I know you're kicking yourself over this. I know you're either thinking you shouldn't have let me take it, or shouldn't have let me go with him the last day or should have killed him before. Or maybe all. You did your mission well. I was the one that chose to go. I was the one that almost got ourselves killed that night."

"What I said, Gohama... when he threw you into the table, I didn't mean it, okay? It was..."

"I know. It's fine." She said a little too harshly. "I'm going to try and sleep a little. If you notice me moving or mumbling wake me up, okay? It's serious."

Kakashi nodded. With Kakashi there to wake her up if she had a nightmare, sleep seemed a saving idea.

She turned as much to the side as she could. Her right butt cheek was sore and aching, the other one too, but not as much. She pinned his hand to her stomach with her own. The heaviness and presence of his palm against her skin were easing her to sleep.

* * *

Kakashi had sent Pakkun to wait for Hansuke. He was still sitting beside her, his rough and worn hand on her waist. Why Gohama could ever want it there, he couldn't understand. He was waiting for Hansuke to come and take his place, he was stretching the last sweet moments, cruel for their fleeing seconds, their leaking finality.

He watched her sleep, she seemed calm, but there was latent weariness. He smelled her, but there was still the lingering scent of Dazai and it enraged him. He listened to her, the deep and even breaths, but there were strained fall and rises from her pain. He felt her, the warm and matching movement of her stomach, but there was a slender restlessness in her chakra. He couldn't taste her. Her red lips, slightly parted, obliviously tempting him.

When had he started wanting her? How did he want her? He couldn't understand what she was to him. It terrified him. The need of her. It wasn't tangible, he couldn't pinpoint what he needed of her, or if he even needed her. For him, to know she just existed was enough. He wanted more, he was greedy. But her life, whether it laced with his or not, was enough.

Gohama.

Another name already etched onto the list of those Kakashi had failed. But Gohama wasn't branded into some cold stone he visited every day. She was still there next to him, the flesh under his hand warm and her chakra flowing. He was grateful this hadn't been a mission that engraved the characters of her name onto the dark stone of a memorial. A memorial was meant only to remember and honour the dead ones and Gohama was still there.

Kakashi found himself hoping Hansuke never came. He found himself hoping he could just swell this moment where she was there and he was with her. And that was the problem. His red tainted hand, the one scarred with raikiri burns, pressed to her stomach. The one that had pierced through flesh and bone like hers.

Like a jerk from a burn, Kakashi pulled his hand away from Gohama. It didn't go far, in an instant, she had his wrist locked in her fingers and her tanto summoned to the others. Her deep green eyes, sharp and sad. They had always been sad and they had always pulled him in. Recognition flickered through them and a soft blush cut through her now yellow paleness. They made her look healthier.

"Force of habit." She explained with an apologetic wince and freed his wrist. The weapon disappeared in a cloud of smoke. "Why did you pull away, are you leaving?"

There was only curiousness in her words. They tore at him. He was leaving.

"My hand was numb." He made an act of stretching his fingers.

Kakashi no longer knew if his resolve to stay away was selfish or selfless. It felt selfless because selfishness didn't hurt, did it?

At the same time, he was also protecting himself, running away from this terrifying new motions bursting and lightning inside. Protecting himself from the agonizing care for someone once the person was no longer there to care for. But the care always remained in obsession and guilt over a dead and still shadow.

Loss. He was afraid of losing her life. What he needed was her life not her presence. Knowing she existed was enough.

But that would change. He would give himself space and his need would fade away. It was easier to let living people fade than dead ones.

Why was he selfish? What would she ever need him for?

Kakashi was being selfless. Everything about Gohama trusting him made him sick. He was deceiving her and it made him disgusted with himself.

Kakashi had allowed himself to forget who he truly was, what his hands had truly shattered, what his raikiri had truly pierced. This mission had brought it back to him in a crushing wave and he welcomed it. He welcomed it because he deserved it. The guilt was so much heavier now and he didn't want to ruin anything more of Gohama.

If he were to disappear now, her trust would also fade, but not break. The danger was a crushed trust. She didn't need him. She had her team.

He had promised her uncle and himself. He would keep an eye on her and hoepefully wouldn't fuck things up for her.

"Is something wrong?"

"Why would you ask?"

"You look terribly miserable." she described with amusement in her tone.

"Maa, I just read a very emotional part of _Icha Icha_."

"It has things other than sex?"

"Yes, very deep things."

"Have you tried other genres besides porn, like classic novels or poetry? Poetry… I think you'd like it."

"But I don't think it would help."

He was so fond of _Icha Icha_ because it let his agitated mind rest, but the story wasn't just shallow entertainment, contrary to popular belief. Jiraiya-sama was a man with a well-lived life and that wise, even jaded in parts, experience seeped into his writing. His skill settled on not making his books overwhelming for a tired, not entirely mentally healthy, shinobi, as Kakashi.

"Maybe."

"Do you know any?"

"Some." She shrugged.

"Can you tell me one?"

He watched her hesitate, as she studied her mindless bunching of the bed sheets. Kakashi thought she wouldn't answer him. It was an awkward request. He could certainly imagine himself evading a request of quoting _Icha Icha_. Now he felt a little silly for asking her that, even if this weird curiosity bubbled in his chest.

His own self-consciousness washed away when he heard her voice fill the hospital room, as when a ray of sun lightens a cloudy day.

"The cicada hides

from the cold snow.

Misses the clear sky."

She smiled timidly when her calming voice went quiet. Gohama had crept under his skin and she knew him. She didn't seem to know she did but she knew him. The poem continued to echo through the silent room. It wedged under skin and left a heaviness in his chest. Gohama had said a few words and suddenly there was no ground under his feet. Kakashi felt so vulnerable but he welcomed it, because it was all for her. So this was what poetry was all about.

"You're staring, Kakashi…"

He was staring, wasn't he?

"One more…" he whispered. Just one more moment. Loss was loss.

Her eyes lit up and her head jolted towards the window. Hansuke. She had sensed him before he appeared. Kakashi left his place beside her, so he could sit there. He rushed over her, ready to touch her, make sure she was there, safe, and quickly drew out his invading hands.

"It's okay, Hansuke. You can touch me."

"When Pakkun told me, I thou—" Hansuke cut himself off and shook whatever scenarios he had imagined from his thoughts. They didn't matter. "You scared me. I'm glad you're safe, Gohama."

He sat beside her. He held her hand and she held his back. He laid the other over her head and tenderly stroked her forehead with his thumb. She smiled for him, a smile that reached the depth of her green eyes with care and admiration. So different from her weary, blank expression before.

Kakashi understood now. He could see it in Hansuke's tender gaze and Gohama's leaning face. Kakashi left. She wouldn't be alone.

* * *

"Ah, my eternal rival!" Gai jumped right in front of him, that offending green leotard cut off his relaxing walk. After two weeks, he was finally caught. "Finally I found you. Where have you been hiding, my friend?"

"Maa, maa. I've been very busy. Rescuing abandoned dogs, helping the baa-san's of this Village. Being the Copy-nin and all."

His dismissive excuse only animated Gai's typical rants about beauty and youth. Kakashi's hearing only spiked back again when he heard the phrase, "Great! You agree to my fabulous challenge!"

Kakashi halted, ready to stop whatever idea of competition his rival had come up with. "I didn't agree with anything. I'm actually busy, Gai."

"Excuses, my rival! I know you haven't been on any missions. And it's been a long time. We're still tied." Gai punched the air and a little girl beside him dropped her ice-cream and started crying. An amusing picture. "I know! What about a challenge to see who drinks the most sake. Come on, Kakashi," he elbowed him "you haven't come to Ippon in a long time."

And Kakashi wasn't thinking of going for another long period. "I'm really in a hurry. Tsunade-sama summoned me, I can't let our Hokage wait." At least one part was true.

With a quick wave, he vanished in smoke and reappeared in front of the Hokage Tower. Tsunade would be less angry with him for being less late. It was all the better because he really needed a new mission and this way she might feel generous with her assigning.

An excuse already prepared on his tongue, Kakashi pulled the office door open. Tsunade was propped on the edge of the window, her arms crossed and face stern. He never did need to spill his typical justification for being late.

"Did Gohama tell you what she did to him?"

A cord of dread wrapped around his stomach. It had been two weeks since that mission. Kakashi had delivered his report a week ago and he was sure Gohama had too. Why was the Hokage talking about her now?

"No, Hokage-sama."

"There are rumours now, reliable ones." She rubbed a tired hand across her forehead "They found him with his hands, tongue and cock cut off and a hole where his heart should be."

"Nothing he didn't deserve."

"That's not the matter." The Hokage bit out. "It's her mental health. She's not the type to freak out. And she did, that's what saved her, but it's not good to be volatile. Not with her power." She narrowed her eyes at him. "You don't even know what happened in that room, do you?" He didn't answer. "Really, Kakashi, weren't you at least a bit curious of how she had broken out of those cuffs?"

He honestly had just wanted to forget about that mission and now the cord was only getting tighter. What the hell had happened besides what he already knew to make Tsunade so grave? She neared her desk and flipped through a couple of pages.

"In her report, she said she broke free from the drugs and shackles in a burst of adrenaline and chakra. No normal chakra could manage that. She's a Kyura, their chakra is something we don't quite understand. That's why they made great warriors and great medics. I learnt from one of them. Her great grandmother, both the chakra manipulation for healing and combat."

Kakashi was more interested in knowing why Tsunade had summoned him just to tell him this.

"You should tell her that."

"No great medic can ever come close to a good Kyura medic. The shinobi world died a little with their clan."

He really didn't want to hear any of that. Especially when it already burned so vividly in him.

"Why are you telling me this?"

"We messed up. Big time, Kakashi. We owe it to that girl. But" of course there was a but. "she is also a dangerous liability. What do you know about her loyalty?"

He understood now. Konoha was scared of Gohama.

"She's loyal to Konoha."

"Yes. But the Arms too…"

"It's more than understandable." Not that it mattered.

With a weary sigh, Tsunade fell onto her chair. "At least, she has a face to go with her anger now."

Kakashi couldn't stop his eyebrows for bunching together. "Who?"

"In her report, she said the trigger was Dazai gloating over being one of the rogue ninja's that were paid by Akatsuki to help slaughter Bukigakure."

Gohama had one more thing to stack on her pile of torments.

"Akatsuki. They were the ones behind it…"

"Yes. They were after the Jinchuriki. The missing nin were a distraction so they would keep their plans and organization quiet."

"What will the Leaf do?"

"For now nothing. And don't look at me like that, Hatake, we have no manpower. For now, worry about Gohama and keep an eye on her."

Kakashi certainly would, but not for the same reasons. The Hokage threw him a notebook. His black, ordinary cover familiar to him. He flipped through its pages, stopping for a second on his own case. He smirked behind his mask at the long row of numbers in a reward for his head. With his pride fed for a week, he jumped to the dog-eared page. Kyura Gohama.

"Dazai was infamous in the missing nin community. ANBU brought it to me earlier this day. She's in the rogue Bingo Book now."

He swept a careful eye over the information there. The stats weren't accurate, they underestimated her, which was a good thing. The alive bounty five times the worth of the dead one. The ninja world still hadn't forgotten the price of the Kyura bloodline limit.

"I'm sure she will actually be pleased by it."

"Every village shinobi is. But this makes her field work more dangerous."

"She has Hansuke and herself."

"Well, and you. You two work well together."

Kakashi closed the Bingo Book and threw it back to Tsunade. "I was actually going to ask you not to give us any missions together."

"Why?"

"Our relationship is tense. You saw how it was when you briefed us. It would be a problem on a mission. I ask you to trust my judgement on this, Hokage-sama."

"You sure enjoy making my life more miserable. It's even worse with that Kyura brat." She flipped her hand carelessly in the air. "But okay… You never asked me this so I suppose it must be serious."

"Thank you. Do you have a mission for me, Tsunade-sama?"

"Only long term ones. Four months, solo S-rank."

He nodded in acceptance and Tsunade gave him a scroll.

"Everything is in there. Be careful. Off my office now."

* * *

Kakashi slowly wandered towards his apartment. He glanced over the direction of the Ninth Training Ground. Gohama should be there with her team, training. He had successfully avoided her for two weeks now. He didn't even know how she was copying with the mission and now he had learnt it was a deeper source of disquiets.

Akatsuki. A trembling fear lodged in his guts. She would try to go after them. She wasn't at their level. The association had some of the most powerful shinobi. Naruto had left the Village because only a Sannin could protect him. She would die if she were reckless. She usually wasn't, but he was afraid she would succumb to her rage and hate. Their mission had shown how frantic and ruthless she could be when it came to Buki. He should warn Hansuke.

Kakashi took his sandals off and his vest and laid them on the genkan's bench. He mindlessly dropped the scroll on the dining table, already thinking of what he should back for such a mission. A sense of unfamiliarity made him turn his eye back to the table.

There was a package there with a note. It was surprising. People didn't usually offer him things, because he wasn't the type that deserved any offerings. Now that he sniffed the air, it was obvious they were dog biscuits. He took the note.

«The biscuits are for Pakkun. He will know why I gave them.

The poem is for you because you asked.

_On the path in the desolate field,_

_The shadows overlapped and_

_Parted._»

He could feel the words hitting him physically. His mouth was bitter and his chest pinched with every pulse. His hand trembled while he reread the note over and over. While he reread it aloud as a memorial litany over and over. If he had any tears left he would cry now. He wanted to cry for her, for what he had taken from her and she didn't even know. She would hate it. But he wanted to.

She knew he was walking away and she accepted it. The poem she chose told him that. She was right. He should read poetry.

A sudden tiredness made him fall on his couch. He should rest. He had a long mission tomorrow. Good thing he had taken it.

He summoned Pakkun. The cloud of smoke hadn't dispersed and the pug's tail was already shaking. "Biscuits! Good mood, eh, Kakashi?"

"They're from Gohama." his words were no louder than a whisper, dragged "She said you would know why."

Pakkun noticed Kakashi's haggardness, of course he would notice it. Instead of scavenging through the package, he jumped onto the sofa and sat on his lap. Kakashi's hand automatically went to rub the fur on his head.

"Yes, I do. But it's between me and her. Biscuits and massages..." He sighed dreamily "I like her. I hope you keep her around."

"I won't."

"Why?"

"Because I killed her parents."

Kakashi dropped his forehead protector to cover both his stinging eyes and continued to stroke Pakkun.

* * *

_Where you expecting it? __Gohama being the Kyura jinchuriki is probably somewhat expected as she is the protagonist. (I consider her a constant sway between anti-heroin and heroin)_

_What about Kakashi? I wanted to keep the reason he always felt so guilty a mystery, so I just let out very obscure signs. _

_Please leave a quick review about it, I'm very curious to know what you suspected or if it came out of the blue._

_Now, onto a little rant about seduction missions. Obviously, being a a manga/anime also meant for kids, Naruto doesn't touch that theme. Being mercenary killing machines for a Village, aka a ninja, is fucked up by itself. But I also thought it was interesting to explore how fucked up seduction missions can get. __In some cases, like the one I described in Gohama's mission, the lines are completely blurred. Who really is the victim? __Who is the predator? __(I'm not defending Dazai's case in any way, I was sure in making him a sick pig.) It may leave the psychological marks of rape, but was it truly rape? _

_I don't have answers to these questions and am also interested in hearing what you think about it. _

_As always, thanks for reading! :)_

_Ps: I wrote the first poem, because I couldn't find any that fitted what I wanted to portray. The second is a haiku by Hisajo Sugita. It was probably written with a different meaning in mind, but the great thing about poetry is that you interprete it however you want to interprete it (within reason, of course)._


	30. Part IV - The Snowdrop

PART IV

The Snowdrop

* * *

"Hama-chan."

Gohama had just finished feeding the dogs and was petting Haru's soft patch of dark fur between her ears, just as she liked it. She glanced towards Father over the line of happy, but tired huskies after a morning of hunting.

"Yes, Father?"

"Come here." Father asked as he sat down on the wooden sled after securing the white hares to it.

Gohama stroked the dogs' fur as she walked, her chakra-less feet scrunching down the snow with her heavy boots. She took her small bow from her torso and sat down next to Father. She studied his quiet expression. Father seemed tired, there had been an important clan meeting last evening in their home and a lot of muffled yelling, especially from Uncle Hideki, had reached her bed from the sitting room.

She had been surprised when Father had woken her up before dawn for hunting. From the dark bags under his eyes, Gohama suspected he hadn't slept at all. Her tired mind from a day of Osamu-hanshi's genjustu training had helped her fall asleep quickly despite the noise. She didn't know when the meeting had ended.

Gohama laid her carved bow on her bent legs and her little fingers smoothed the polished wood, as she waited for Father to talk. Father had a grave feel to his presence and she wondered about every little stupid thing she had done in her life and what would Father scold her about.

"Do you know the name of this flower?"

A wave of relief loosened her tense shoulders and started back her suspended heart. Father always started his scolding with "I heard you…". Unless when Father was teaching her how to hunt, he was never around when she did stupid things. Usually only Koroko-san, Mother and Enoki-sensei would catch her doing something naughty.

Father laid the white and frail flower gently on her hand. Of course, she knew the name, every Snow kid knew the name of that flower.

"Snowdrop."

"Yes. But do you know it represents for the Kyura?"

She knew it was something important. They used snowdrops in everything, from decorations, to presents, to religious ceremonies. It was a pretty flower, but Gohama didn't understand what made it such a big deal. It was everywhere in the last days of snow.

Not wanting to completely miss an attempt at answering in front of Father, Gohama shook her head.

"Well, it is a flower that blossoms in the cold snow. Although small, it is strong. You see how they break through the snow?" Father pointed towards a few flowers piercing through the snow, losing themselves in the white. "They are used to celebrate both births and deaths. Our clan is a shinobi one. We are meant to fight, protect and kill. But there is also a side to each one of us that must remain pure. One that although small can win over the cold snow. This side is the gentlest part of a Kyura, the most childish one. When I'm with you, my daughter, and mother, I let that precious side of me resurface. No matter how far I've lost myself in my warrior duty, the bonds with my family always bring the snowdrop out of me. A Kyura must balance both his weapon and his snowdrop. Do you understand me, Gohama?"

The girl stared at her father wide eyed, awed by the words she didn't understand. The solemnity in his voice and affection in his eyes made those words important to her. She held them in her heart, even if she couldn't save their meaning.

"Of course you don't." he chuckled softly "I let myself ramble. Once you're older and a great kunoichi you'll understand. Listen to me carefully, Hama-chan, okay?"

The girl nodded.

"How ever hard the path you must take, how ever upsetting the power inside of you is, promise me you'll never let go of your snowdrop. You can let go of your weapon, but never your snowdrop. Do you promise me, Hama-chan?"

"Yes, Father, I promise."

Father tenderly ruffled the hair on the crown of her head and smiled. He pulled her to him as he stood up and settled the girl on her rightful spot at the front of the sled.

"Let's go, now, Mother must be wondering where we are. And I'm so hungry I could eat a giant bear."

Gohama chuckled and with a wide gesture of her arms, said, "I could eat a huge whale."


	31. IV - Chapter 1

Part IV | Chapter 1

* * *

"Kakashi!" she screamed "Kakashi, please!"

His back continued to fade with indifference, his slouch the same as always as she screamed for him, the thuds of his steps thinner and thinner in the air. Kakashi was abandoning her. All she ever saw was his lean back, the knot of his crooked hitai-ate, the grey of his wild hair. Still, couldn't Kakashi hear her? She had never screamed so louder.

Her body continued to be torn apart, her strength lost somewhere she couldn't find it and Kakashi just left her. She had trusted him and Kakashi had left her.

The wave of force crashed onto her back and the calls dried in her throat. That stench of cologne burned its way down her nose and lungs. The boiling chakra, a mix of fire and water, thrust into every nerve on her skin and deeper, so much deeper, she thought it would tear her apart from inside out. She tried to twist away from his grasp but couldn't move.

She continued to call Kakashi's name to the wind. Her voice vanishing into howls, whines, whispers.

"Kakashi, please come back for me… please…" she prayed as the cologne and chakra continued to consume her and break her and she continued to drown in her own blood and vomit. It didn't affect his forceful rhythm. "Don't leave… Kakashi… come back for me…"

But Kakashi left. His back always left until she couldn't sense his safe chakra anymore, she couldn't see the tiny spot, as it became one with the vanishing point.

Her body jolted, the violent touch disappeared, and the soft light of the moon met her eyes.

It had been one of her typical nightmares. Even her sleeping subconscious already knew it was experiencing a repeated scene. Still, the chemical horror spreading through her veins never vanished completely when she woke up. Raising up from her bed, she took some unstable steps towards a new dresser she had bought mainly for settling Toshi's bowl of water. She picked it up and went to her living room, she sat on the sofa and Toshi on the coffee table.

"Sorry for waking you up again, Toshi-kun. It's the same as always I'm afraid." scrambling through the things on her coffee table, she picked up a blue sheet "Tonight I'll go for a little origami. Another fish, what do you think?"

When she couldn't force herself to go back to sleep again, Gohama took Toshi with her to the living room and entertained herself with small, thoughtless activities. Her most chosen ones where origami and solitary card game. Sometimes she played shoji, did some push-ups and abdominal work, trained building a card castle with only her chakra, went for a walk or training when she couldn't blank her mind. Anything that took her thoughts away from her nightmares, especially the reason for them. If she didn't think about it, it wouldn't affect her.

"Any wise tips on how not to be aware? Hm, Toshi-kun?" she asked absently while pressing a crease with her nail into the paper, back and forth "I suppose the short memory thing helps. I've come to realised awareness is the root of all problems. Obviously without it people wouldn't be humans, but is it so bad to be a fish? You know, just swim around, eat, sleep, forget every little thing you saw moments before. I'm sure the memory thing is just a myth, though. I mean, how could you survive if you forgot a predator was chasing you? In the shinobi world, you'd die right on your first real mission. Weird things memories… Sometimes I think it would be best to forget about everything… But that's just the weak part of me talking, I could never renounce to my memories, they may be heavy but I could never do that to them." she finished the last crease and admired her work "There another friend for you" she said, putting the origami at the fish's eye level and then throwing it into the bin full of other paper animals.

Gohama slumped against the back of the couch and looked up at the ceiling with a heavy sigh. Her eyes dropped to her fish as it swam around meaninglessly in a bowl. It wasn't an aquarium, it was a glass bowl full of water with sand on the bottom and a plastic green thing pretending to be a seaweed.

Poor Toshi, he would probably be happier, not that fish could be happy, but, at least, biologically satisfied, if he was free in some stream somewhere open to life's common dangers. Could he even tell the difference? He was fed and he was a fish. Did that little brain of his grasp the difference between a bowl and a river? Maybe it did. But she had actually grown attached to the goldfish.

Happiness was overrated, anyway.

He was a good listener who didn't listen and didn't understand. Still, it made her feel less ridiculous to talk to him than to the empty walls, even if maybe it made her more insane. At least, the small flicker of chakra was a presence, and not a smothering one.

A fucking fish, she spent her nights talking to a fucking fish, and the worst part was that it actually helped her forget a little.

Her hand brushed harshly over her face and fell heavily to her side.

"I'm so fucked up…" Gohama breathed to the ceiling stain.

* * *

A bird chirped insistently on her windowsill. Gohama woke up with the foggy feeling of an annoying noise yanking her out of her sleep. There was nothing like dreamless sleep, it was the peak of obliviousness where she could truly rest and forget. She woke up cursing at the little bird and her stiff neck from falling asleep on the sofa.

Tsunade was summoning her and she took her time leaving her apartment. Between breakfast, a shower, feeding Toshi and masking the dark circles under her eyes, none of which she would renounce to, it had passed even more time than what Nikato would deem acceptable. Today, she was in a mood not to care.

When she reached the Hokage Tower, her team was already inside Tsunade's office. She opened the door and slid into the room. The Hokage decided to ignore her tardiness and continued with her briefing.

"…you leave today as soon as possible. The missing-nin will probably already be on the move. Here's your scroll." she extended her hand for Hansuke to take it.

"Aren't missing nin ANBU's jurisdiction?" Gohama asked.

Tsunade gave her a pointed glare. "If you hadn't been late, you'd have known why I'm assigning you this mission. It's only a B-rank, there's no need to send ANBU. Hansuke, fill in Kyura outside. Off my office now." she made a shooing gesture with her hands.

"Actually, Tsunade-sama, I was wondering if I could speak with you."

She raised an eyebrow at her and nodded in agreement. Her team remained in the same spot, waiting for her to talk. Gohama turned to glare at them over the shoulder. Hansuke understood the message, cleared his throat, and with a tilt of his head ordered the boys to leave with him.

Last night, before falling asleep again, Gohama had pondered on other activities she could do during her insomnia. Knitting had almost been her chosen hobby. The repeating hand works would probably do the same as sharpening her weapons, clear her mind and make her oblivious for a few moments. However, unlike sharpening her weapons, which were now perfectly maintained and could cut through paper, knitting was useless. She could make some scarfs for the boys, some mismatched winter socks for Nikato, but it wouldn't bring any of them any improvement.

Gohama had to seize the opportunity of ridiculous amounts of time to better herself as a kunoichi. It could be a blessing in disguise. There were two Kyura fields she was undeveloped in, ninja medicine and fuinjustu. She knew how to probe her body for injuries and heal small cuts, but that was so diminutive comparing to the vast Kyura knowledge of chakra medicine. She also knew how to master locking seals, the ones she used on her own apartment, but the Kyura fuinjutsu extended through branches still unexplored by her.

In the end, she had decided on fuinjutsu. Mother had been one of the clan's fuinjutsu masters, it would be great to honour her memory by deepening her skill. However, even if Gohama didn't consciously admit to it, her first S-rank mission had pushed her into the sealing field. Besides the chakra shackles, her major weakness had been the window seal. Maybe if she had had enough knowledge she could have broken it without his needed chakra.

All she required to start her late night studies was the Kyura fuinjutsu scrolls, hidden in Bukigakure. Gohama refused to return to her Village, but she could ask Uncle to gather them for her. He had gone there right after the Massacre and brought her the forgotten ninjato that had killed Mother, the first book Mother had offered Gohama and a family photograph she kept inside that same book. He had also brought practical documents that proved Gohama's identity and shinobi scrolls used on their training at the monastery.

Maybe it was selfish to ask Uncle to return there only because she couldn't go herself, especially when she knew he wouldn't say no to her, even if he dreaded it more than her. But she was in a selfish streak. And it really would do her good to meet him again. Her missing had been particularly merciless for the past weeks.

"Spill it, girl, what do you want?"

"Permission for a few days leave to meet my uncle."

"And why would you want to meet your uncle?"

"For his company. Despite common belief, I do have a heart."

Tsunade leaned against the chair and sighed. Gohama knew that gesture, it was the "this is a bother for me, but okay" gesture. It was only more accentuated when she took a bottle of sake from under her table. Which Tsunade did now, along with two white cups. She was even sharing. That was definitely a first. What had happened in Konoha over night?

"Do you intend to meet him at the Land of Snow?" she asked while serving one of the cups and glancing at her questioningly with a tilted bottle in one hand. Gohama nodded and sat on the chair in front of her desk.

"No, I was thinking of asking him to meet me halfway, in the Land of Fire. Fewer days of journey and" Gohama smirked at the Hokage "it's less of a bother for the ANBU you'll send to stalk us."

"That's thoughtful of you." Tsunade deadpanned and downed her cup "Okay, after the mission you can go. The Council won't be happy if they find out."

"What a surprise. They've always wished I was in some glass box only brought out of the cabinet for the other Villages to see." Gohama sighed and shrugged "I guess when you're pretty you're pretty…" she raised her glass at her words and downed it.

Tsunade snorted at her mocking self-praise and narrowed her eyes intently. "You know, Kyura, there's a lot of your great grandmother in you."

Gohama's heart skipped a beat at the mention of her great grandmother. She had never met her, but she still loved her, that blend of respect and pride, a distant love for family one only knew through stories. As every Kyura, Gohama felt the bond of name and blood alive in her and, through it, every Kyura that had come before.

"There's a lot of every Kyura in me, it's called inbreeding." she dismissed the Hokage's comment.

"That is true," Tsunade agreed humorously with a pointing finger "but I don't mean it just physically. I mean in that obnoxious stubbornness when everything has to be done your way."

Gohama drank another glass of sake in one go. "Thanks, I love it when people call me a spoiled brat."

"You _are_ a spoiled, cheeky brat and," with a sigh she added "damn, you can't take a compliment…" with exasperation she downed another cup.

"That was a compliment?" Gohama asked amused "I pity the people you insult, Hokage-sama."

"Can you just listen to me, girl?!" Tsunade's temper showed through her irritation, Gohama both grimaced and smirked "Your great grandmother was one tough, stubborn woman. In a time where kunoichi were considered weak and not cut for anything other than seduction missions and medicine, she developed a fighting style that made her stronger than any man. She fought for her recognition as a powerful kunoichi and medic. She showed the manly shinobi world women also belonged in the battlefield.

"And she was one ruthless, effective shisho. I try to follow her teaching methods with Sakura and Shizune, they may hate me during training sessions, but will thank me in the field. That's what it was like with me…"

Tsunade's wistful and caring, within her own narrow range, words ignited Gohama's pride for her clan. It never did fade, but listening to the Hokage's praise of her great grandmother made her will to follow her duty to the Arms and seek greatness mark stronger in her bones, her every cell. Her life was for the Arms and for the Kyura.

Gohama downed another high quality cup of sake. "Thanks for the compliment, Tsunade-sama, but I should go pack now." she said standing up.

"Go, go. If Shizune finds us like this in the morning, she'll take away my sake."

Gohama gave a nod as a parting gesture and left. They may infuriate each other sometimes, but Tsunade wasn't so bad. Still, it was little weird that she would share this after a year, apparently out of nowhere. Maybe the Hokage was going through a nostalgic phase.

* * *

"Going on a mission, Kisa-kun?" his mother asked all the way from the kitchen.

Kisamaru finished packing his backpack and walked from his bedroom to the threshold of the kitchen.

"Yes, Mother."

"The onigiri are almost done, you can take some for your team. Even the Kyura girl" then she whispered with playful mischief "Just don't tell your father…"

He took some rice from the bowl and helped his mother mould the grains into triangles. He couldn't be late.

His father, a chunin, spent most of his time on missions away from home or guard duty. With Kisamaru's own team demand, right after arriving home, he was sent away again. His mother couldn't hide her loneliness and protectiveness from him. As a retired kunoichi of Konoha and loyal to her Village and clan, she never pronounced her motherly displeasure and pain, especially every time he left after an almost-deadly mission. If his father were home more often, then her burden might have been relieved slightly. With neither her man nor boy to make her company, the absence and fear was always much more unbearable.

When his mother had heard the bird's chirping at his bedroom window, she had promptly left for the kitchen, as she always did, and had started preparing a rich breakfast Kisamaru would only eat a slice of in his hurry. His mother always closed herself in the kitchen when both her men were on missions. She cooked to fill time and the Hyuga children obliviously thanked when Sayuri-san's husband and son were away.

"Why don't you go back to working at the hospital, Mother?"

"My hands and chakra are not what they were, Kisa-kun." she would always answer him with a cheerful, eye-creased smile.

His mother had been the one to teach him nin medicine since a young boy. His father had argued it was a woman's job to be a medic, but, at least this once, mother had fought him on it and won. Kisamaru knew she had worked at the hospital before he was born and decided to retire from active duty and hospital work. Now, she only healed minor injuries from trainings inside the compound or scrapes from the Hyuga kids when they came to her.

With Kisamaru grown up and independent, there was little need for her to stay home, but still she did. He suspected she was afraid of having him or his father arrive at her stretcher half-dead. He could sympathise with that, still, it pained him to see her waste her gifted hands in frantic cooking and feel her loneliness in the small smiles as she waved goodbye at him from the doorstep of their home.

Soon they finished the onigiri and his mother prepared him a bento box. She accompanied him to the door, as always.

"When is Father back?"

"In a month." she answer quietly and he stayed put at the doorway. She pushed him lightly "Now, go, Kisa-kun, it isn't polite to leave others waiting."

Polite. He bowed and walked down the compound street, turning back at the last moment out of impulse. Maybe he shouldn't have. There they were. The lonely smile and wave goodbye. The life of a shinobi's mother was a cruel one. Sending their children to death.

His father didn't seem to suffer with Kisamaru's sacrifices as a shinobi. Father lived for sacrificing himself, sacrificing his family for the Leaf, for the Hyuga. It was honourable. Kisamaru knew this, but he couldn't help the resentment that had long settled in his heart, since a little boy and now, as the image of his mother waving him goodbye still lingered.

When he graduated from the Academy, when he became a chunin, when he became a jonin, his father always said the same thing, with the same distant palm on his shoulder and solemn voice. «Good job, son. The clan is proud.»

The clan, always the clan.

Kisamaru's life had been bred for the Hyuga, above Konoha, his father raised his life for the Hyuga. Every person in the branch family was bounded to the clan. He loved and cared for the clan with every cell in his body, he would die for the Hyuga and his life belonged to it. However, after entering his team, Konoha had become first in his heart. When he left the Leaf's walls and fought with all his will and strength, it was never for the Hyuga alone, but for all the clans, families and people of his Village.

As he reached the gates and turned to look at the wide square and the colourful rooftops, his devotion only throbbed lounder in his chest.

Kisamaru waited for Gohama's chakra signature, while he leaned against a post, his eyes closed and face soaking in the sun. But Hansuke-sensei arrived first, copying his position, and then Nikato, who boasted for not being the last. When she finally arrived, the ginger's rant became even more obnoxious. Gohama found a way of twisting Nikato's brag and insult him with it. This time Hansuke-sensei wasn't amused, as he always was, by their teammates' playful fights. He called them to attention and they started to run after their target.

For the past few weeks, Gohama had been strange. Kisamaru couldn't pin-point what was different since she came back from her S-rank mission. He and Nikato didn't know anything other than it was an S-rank and she had completed it. She had come to trainings as usual, although gaining a habit of arriving late, and her skill hadn't changed.

She always declined going out with them, even if only for dinner and outside Ippon. Her excuses were that she either was tired or didn't feel like it. Hansuke-sensei never insisted, he usually insisted. So, Nikato and Kisamaru would only tell her and if she wanted she would come, which she never did.

And she was distant, her teasing was the same, but she never initiated it now, she only joked around if they started it. She didn't initiate any talking too. She initiated nothing outside of the necessary for their little time together during trainings.

The last time Gohama had isolated herself it was fully. Now, she did it subtly, covertly, at least she thought she did. Maybe she didn't think at all, maybe she didn't even realise it. It worried him.

They reached the small town the missing-nin had last been sighted. Nikato took a summoning scroll from his pouch and opened it on a rooftop's floor. He bit his thumb and spread a line of blood over the paper. Five beautiful owls appeared in front of them and he offered each one of them a piece of meat and tender caresses.

Nikato had formed this contract through his shinobi godfather, it was useful to the team when tracking or scouting was needed. The animals didn't speak, but their clever and attentive eyes caught the smallest details in the scenery. Once the animals were dispelled, every piece of information was instantly shared with Nikato. They could also call for them through their screeches. At his orders, the owls took flight and the team waited until they returned.

Through their gathered intel, the team learnt there were tracks from a single person, running fast and carelessly, on the northern woods surrounding the town. Gohama and Hansuke-sensei were to follow said tracks and scout the woods, while Nikato and Kisamaru searched the town in case the nin was still there. An owl was left with the first pair to guide them and so they could send a message if they caught the target.

Gohama's eyes lit up faintly as she let the animal rest on her forearm guard and brushed her hand through Chairoko's brown feathers. She had always expressed her admiration and fondness towards Nikato's summons. They were also friendlier with her than they had ever been with him or Sensei, despite more years for growing comfortable. Maybe it was Gohama's general relationship with animals. She had always held a deep respect and complicity with them.

She moved around a forest with the easiness of a deer and the rule of a wolf. Her chakra sense was always accompanied with the study of the fauna's behaviours, and she understood the forest as if she belonged there. Gohama had told them of Bukigakure's hunting tradition. How it was used to train shinobi, but also to deepen a person's connection with their land. They always ate the animals they hunted and they respected their sacrifice and role in the forest's order. It wasn't just for fun or to kill, it was a way of drowning themselves in nature's cycle of life and death.

Kisamaru had been a witness to Gohama's hunting once on a mission when they had lost their rations. The prowess of her archery, she only ever hunt with a bow and arrow, the sleekness of her light, flowing steps and the aim of her shot had been awe inspiring. She truly became part of the forest.

As she had approached the hit hare with her tanto, she had explained to him how sometimes the shot missed the spot, so they killed the animal quickly to stop its suffering. This hare had already been dead when they had reached it. Gohama had kneeled beside the animal and whispered solemn words he hadn't heard. It had reminded him of a time she had joked about everything with the Kyura being some sort of ritual.

Gohama and Sensei parted towards the woods, one of the owls guiding them.

"Gohama's weird." his redhead friend commented as they watched them from the rooftop. If Nikato had also noticed, then it was more worrisome than he had thought. "She looks tired, she's been using makeup to hide her dark circles. She never uses makeup." he turned his face towards Kisamaru to better assess his reaction "What do you think it is?"

Kisamaru hadn't noticed the makeup detail. It was clear Gohama was trying to bottle up whatever it was she was dealing with. He was certain Hansuke-sensei knew what it was and that was why he no longer pushed after her when they went out or joked around. Shouldn't it be the opposite? Shouldn't he be pushing after her even more now, as he always did? Gohama listened to no one besides him.

"Her last mission."

"The S-rank one?" he nodded in confirmation "But she completed it, she's even in the Rogue Bingo Book now." Nikato explained proudly.

The mission had been a success, but something must have happened. They hadn't known of any hospital admissions, so Kisamaru doubted it had been an almost-deadly-mission. Unless it had been hidden from them. What if she had been tortured? Still, she had had no trouble admitting that to them when she was kidnapped. Why hide it now?

There was another possibility, a common one with kunoichi. She was pretty and he knew the men from Konoha desired her that way. It was very likely and the possibility alone made him sick and angry. He glanced at Nikato from the corner of his eye and schooled his expression. His ginger friend didn't need to worry over that.

From now on, Kisamaru would be attentive to tell-tale signs. If his suspicion was true, he wasn't sure what he should do.

* * *

Chairoko was flying low, so they could follow her while speeding from branch to branch. Gohama would subtly glance towards Hansuke. He kept his gaze fixed on the owl and ignored her presence. They weren't on the best terms.

During her stay in the hospital, that had thankfully only lasted a night, Hansuke had been comforting and caring. She had told him to lay on the bed with her and he held her as she tried to sleep, saying nothing except how he was there for her and brushing through her hair in calming strokes.

The problem had been when she had left the next day, while he was still sleeping. Gohama knew it had been cruel, but she also knew he would insist on going home with her or her going home with him. She had needed some time and space to deal with things alone.

Hansuke had come to her apartment. She had tried to make him understand, but he hadn't. He had started questioning her and Gohama wasn't ready to tell anyone anything. The mere thought of writing the report had filled her chest with dread. Sometimes he didn't know when he was pushing too much. She knew he was scared and hurting for her, she could see it in his eyes and his voice as he pleaded for her to let him help her. But he couldn't, there was nothing he could help her with.

So they fought, hard and cruelly. Gohama always took a twisted pleasure in riling people going against her wishes and Hansuke was easily riled up. She couldn't remember half of what she had said or what he had said. Only the last moments had stayed and they bitterly repeated themselves in her mind.

"_Stop doing that!" he shouted "It's fucking annoying, Gohama." _

"_What do I do that is so fucking annoying to you?!"_

"_Saying cruel things just to get me to back off." _

"_How's that?" she asked with exasperation and pointed her finger at him "Maybe it's because that's all I want! For you to fucking back off!" _

"_Good for you then!" He spun on his wheel and slammed the door behind him._

Gohama didn't even remember what absurd, cruel thing she had said. But it had worked. She had finally gotten him to leave her alone to deal with things and what she had done was grab a bottle of scotch and look for Toshi. Only when she had seen the empty dresser, had she remembered that she had left him with Nikato's family. She then had flopped on the bed, cracked the bottle open and taken a long burning sip.

Gohama really had hurt him that time. For the next weeks they hadn't spoken other than the necessary during trainings.

It was at that time that she had realised Kakashi was avoiding her. It fucking hurt, but it didn't surprise her. After that mission, she was so fucking disgusted with herself, Kakashi was certainly too. He had been the one to witness it, to comfort her, to ground her, to bathe her. He had seen the marks no longer stuck on her body, but in some lost medical file somewhere. He had seen what a fucking whore she was, he had tried to stop her from whoring herself, but she hadn't listened.

The shame was too sickening and the rejection too searing. Gohama gave him what she owed him, dog biscuits and a poem, and accepted their parting. She was now avoiding him too and soon her broken trust wouldn't hurt anymore. This only made her more pathetic, her trust had no right to ask him anything. She understood why he had left. If she could, Gohama would leave herself too.

Now that Hansuke and Gohama were alone for the first time, she could finally understand the weight of the tension between them. It had never been this uncomfortable. She hated it, she hated herself for ruining their companionship. Above all, Hansuke had always been a soothing presence that masked her loneliness away.

He stopped on a branch and she kept moving. "Gohama, wait." She wasn't the only one having her insides gnawed.

She stopped ahead of him and turned around to look at him. When she saw his face, she quickly averted her eyes. "We have a mission."

"One reason to clear things between us." He said steadily, she didn't like that reason at all. "I have to apologise. I shouldn't have suffocated you after you…" he couldn't finish "I'll still give you the space you need, but I want you to know I'm not backing off." Then, he gave her one of his charming smiles to complement his words "I can't seem to back away from you, Gohama."

"But you should." She answered quietly.

He jumped onto the same branch she was on "You don't want that," he extended his hand to her cheek, but regretted halfway through, letting his arm fall onto his side. Didn't he want to touch her? "I know you don't want that."

"I can't even apologise for the mean things I said to you." She turned her back to him "And I don't know why but I can't."

"That doesn't matter."

"It matters to me, Hansuke."

"Gohama," he called while stroking her arm with the back of his fingers, still she didn't turn to him "What I said that night to you, I meant it, I l–"

"Chairoko." Gohama called the brown owl and she flew away from a hidden higher branch and settled on her forearm. She carefully petted the soft feathers of her wings, which earned her a quiet hoot. She moved her arm and the owl flied up again and they started running.

Hansuke had given her an understanding look. Everything Chairoko sensed and heard Nikato would know once she was dispelled. But that hadn't been the only reason. Gohama didn't want to hear those words, they were wasted on her.

* * *

The job was done. One of Nikato's owls had come to them with a message saying they had caught their target back in the small town. Gohama and Hansuke had been following an old trail left by someone else. They were too far away to return without resting, so they stopped for a few hours of sleep.

Hansuke had taken the first watch. He was looking at her restful expression as she slept and it soothed some of his worry to see her sleeping. He was fully aware of her insomnia, even if she covered her dark circles with makeup. He desperately wanted to help her, to make her happy, but he was lost on what to do.

One thing was certain, he had to work on his temper. Gohama knew how to push his buttons too well and he always regretted snapping out, he always regretted their stupid fights. For now, he would let her sleep as many hours as they could remain there. The boys could wait a little with a B-rank, shackled missing nin.

Hansuke didn't even realise he was falling asleep.

The terror of a nightmare circled through his pathways. He woke up with a jolt and immediately unsheathed his ninjato. The terror didn't wash away with waking up, it only consumed him deeper when he felt the evil chakra seeping from her.

The dark blue energy erupting from Gohama was swallowing him up. Its aura of pure, raw power, thrusting through the air and his skin. It seemed to tear his flesh, shoving into his very core, wanting to gnaw him until there was nothing left but crushed dirt.

It was terrifying. His limbs were helplessly shaking, too afraid to move. He forced himself into action, his mind yelling hollow commands to his muscles, but he couldn't move. How long had it been since he had frozen in fear?

This was not fear, this was terror.

Gohama was still sleeping, the chakra surrounding her. Besides its threatening vibe, there was no immediate danger to him and still he couldn't act. She didn't seem to be in pain, but worry was pushing him. He didn't fear Gohama, only that power.

As he began dragging himself towards the sleeping girl, everything in Hansuke shouted for him to turn back, to run and flee. Right as he felt it, he knew to whom the chakra belonged. He wished Gohama hadn't kept it a secret.

He extended his arm to shake her. His hand entered the chakra cloak and it burned. An instinctive reaction made him pull it back. He had to push through the pain. If it burned him, it would also burn Gohama. He groaned as he felt the energy charring his skin. He shook her hard, he called her name. He yelled for her.

After what seemed too long, she finally woke up. She opened her startled eyelids to him and pierced through his gaze. He saw his own terror and confusion reflected on her green eyes. In an instant, the ferocious energy was gone. Gohama jumped away and turned her back to him. She was softly trembling, reminding him to control his own shivering.

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck." he heard her murmur.

She stumbled towards a tree, but not from pain. It relieved him a little. She pressed her forehead to the rugged trunk, her fingers grasping and scratching the bark. They remained silent. Hansuke didn't know what to say, his rational mind was still recovering from the animal shock and fear that had gripped his body.

Gradually, the natural sounds of the forest were returning. He now realised how the quiet had felt so eerie. The screeching of cicadas and crickets, now safe enough to sing, helped ground him back.

"Say something…" she whispered towards the trunk.

The first thing that surfaced on his mending thoughts. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Hansuke started taking small, hesitant steps, testing Gohama's reaction to them. She didn't seem to protest, so he continued.

"I couldn't."

He had to be careful so she wouldn't shut him out. He was right behind her. "Why?"

"It isn't safe."

Forming a chakra cloak while sleeping with no control over it was definitely not safe. But those weren't the words needed for now. He laid his hand carefully on her shoulder, coaxing her to turn around. If they were going to talk, he had to see her face. Gohama didn't resist, but her head was still tilted down. Before he could lead her chin to tip upwards, she noticed his wounded hand.

"No…" she muttered. Gently she held his forearm, both afraid he would jerk away from her and of hurting him. He didn't. He wasn't scared of her and she wouldn't hurt him. "I have something for this. Come here."

Leading him towards her bag, she took a small flask from it, a pale cream inside.

"It'll sting, the same as any healing of burns." she warned him.

Carefully, she spread the cream with a clean gauze over his hand and wrist. It did sting for a moment, but the soothing freshness quickly followed. Hansuke could already see the mending of skin where it absorbed the ointment.

"It has medicinal chakra imbibed in it. It's the same as if it were a medic healing you." Gohama explained "It won't scar. Now we just have to wait a little."

The speed and efficiency was impressive. Hansuke had never seen a medical balm so effective. The pain was almost gone and the skin of his wrist was starting to turn pink from new flesh.

"This is great, Gohama. Where did you find this?"

"Uncle gave it to me before I left Snow." she said, admiring the healing as he was "It has my great-grandmother's chakra."

"Gohama…" he admonished "You shouldn't have used it on me."

"Don't be difficult, Hansuke. This is for chakra burns. I hurt you… I wanted to use it on you."

"It's too precious for a silly burn."

"The cream is not precious, it is a tool with a purpose and it served its purpose on you. And it's not a silly burn. I burned you."

Hansuke didn't take the bait for that argument. He knew Gohama wouldn't budge and he also knew she would use it as a means to escape the inevitable questions and explanations to come. And they would come now.

"Gohama, look at me." she kept her stubborn gaze on the grass. He cupped her cheeks and tilted her head up. "Don't be difficult, Gohama." he said with a light tone, using her own words.

"Well, I have an excuse. I'm the difficult one." she joked.

"Yes, but please, just work with me now. What happened?"

"When I have nightmares, sometimes chakra breaks free without my control."

"This chakra is different from yours." she didn't respond to his comment "I want you to tell me. I need to hear you say it."

Her eyes were hesitant. She understood what he was asking her to say. The secret he had just learnt in fright and chance, but needed to be told in trust and truth. Gohama took his hands in her own hands and led them away from her face, but she didn't break their eye contact.

"I… I'm the ten-tailed beast jinchuriki."

Hansuke, from the moment he felt the dark blue chakra, knew this. However, it didn't prepare him from the fear and worry that would crush into him as Gohama voiced it. The implications where frightening and knowing she had hidden this, endured it alone tugged at his insides. He brought her into his arms, not caring if she would be uncomfortable or not.

"Why didn't you tell me before?" he whispered onto the crown of her hair, always lemon scented.

"I couldn't." she responded against his chest.

"Why? Don't you trust me?"

Gohama pulled away slightly so she could look at him. "I trust you, Hansuke." she said honestly and firmly "But there are things I can't ask of you…"

"What?"

"There are powerful people after the jinchuriki." she spoke of it as if it weren't her "It would compromise my safety and the Leaf's safety if it got out. Besides the other Villages would want a claim over Seiryu. Konoha already has the Kyubi. It could lead to war."

"What does me knowing has to do with this?"

She pressed her forehead against his chest. "It's your duty to report this to the Hokage. I couldn't ask you to omit this information for me… not when Tsunade wants it so bad…" she gripped his shirt "I can't ask you this. I can't… but I'm still asking now. Don't tell her. I'm sorry, Hansuke… but please, don't tell her…"

Hansuke held her in his strong embrace. How he had missed the fell of her soft body against his. The decision came easy for him.

"Shh… It's okay." he said onto her hair and kissed her head "I won't report."

"But you have to. It's your duty. Don't do this for me."

"Keeping this with us will only protect the Leaf. My duty is to protect my village and my team. And you, Gohama, I will always protect you."

Gohama settled her chin on his chest and he lowered his eyes to hers. Her stark and deep green had once stabbed through him with its Kyura-ness. Now the colour enveloped him in beauty and wonder.

"I'll protect you, too."

Hansuke knew she would. They stared into each other. Her arms moved to wrap around his middle, one of his hands tangled in her hair. He could feel the raise and lowering of her chest on his chest, the warmth of her hands pressed against his back, the eagerness of her eyes drawing him in. Excitement and anticipation flourished in his stomach. Unconsciously he pulled her head back slightly, his eyes fixing on her parted red lips.

Before he could grip himself, Hansuke was already lowering his mouth to hers and Gohama raising her lips to his. He felt her warm breath on his skin and snapped out, turning his head faintly to kiss her cheek instead. His hold on her head tightened, attempting to ground himself away from dangerous craving. It was too soon for her.

He settled his forehead against hers and sighed. "Thank you for telling me."

She chuckled. "You're a fool, Hansuke."

"Maybe, but you're no less of a fool, Gohama." As a response, she jabbed him in the stomach. Hansuke had missed this light teasing between them.

Above his romantic love for her, he cherished their companionship. She could be difficult and annoyingly aware of it, but he knew she enjoyed his company and was comfortable enough to be herself with him, share herself to him. He wanted their relationship to be a romantic one and their night together had only ignited that dream in him. However, he knew Gohama wasn't in the same place he was, he knew she still had the fresh wound of her mission. So, he wouldn't force anything, as he had done that day after she had come home, demanding that she share her pain with him. Hansuke wouldn't force her, but, at least, he could ask.

"Now, please, listen to me, Gohama. I want to carry this with you. Let me carry this with you, please."

He pulled away to look at her. She had wide, emotional eyes, a flicker of vulnerability passing through them. It was so rare when she let him see it, but she did now and when she did it was only for him. He gave her an affectionate smile and pressed his lips to her forehead.

"Breakfast?" he asked, freeing her from his embrace and the heaviness of their moment.

"You can always sense when I'm hungry." she said with a smile, moving away to take out the pan in her bag.

* * *

_This part is going to encompass two years of Gohama's life in Konoha. _

_I don't have everything written in advance and I'm entering exam season, so I'll probably take a little longer to upload._


	32. IV - Chapter 2

_Hello there, lovely readers. It's been some time since I've updated but with the end of the semester I've been busy (mostly procrastinating. I'll regret it later). Thankfully it's only one more week. Maybe I'll come back and edit this chapter a bit._

_Thanks for reading! Be careful and be safe! _

* * *

Part IV | Chapter 2

* * *

The ochre robe broke away from the green scenery of the park. Gohama stopped for a second as she saw it, taken aback by the hit to her chest. Maybe she shouldn't have agreed to meet Uncle, it would make going back to Konoha even more difficult. At least they were meeting in some town still in the Land of Fire.

When on her last mission she had used the Fire civilian mail post to send a coded letter to Uncle. And, after a week, he was there, sitting on a bench, his monk garb so familiar, his pose the same as always, tranquil and steady even from a far. His chakra was masked to seem as a civilian one. Gohama would have to ask him to flare it once, just so she could sense its comforting fluid feel again.

She didn't hide her own as she approached him from behind. Uncle didn't even turn to acknowledge her presence. When she was finally in front of him, he raised his head to meet her eyes with a peaceful smile. Her heart swelled and she gave him a smile in return, a tear sliding down her cheek.

"Uncle." She greeted with a broken voice.

His brow twisted lightly in concern, but his smile didn't falter. He quickly stood up and hugged her, patting her hair gently. "My dear Hama-chan." He greeted back with his fatherly tone "Good to know you're capable of crying, not that a tear can actually be called crying." He joked tenderly. He had always urged her to cry when her grief was weighing too much, but she never could. Now, her tear rolled quietly from her eye.

"Shut up, Uncle." She sniffed and cleaned her wet cheek.

He rocked her from side to side somewhat roughly and pecked her hair before letting go. The both of them sat on the bench.

"I see Konoha is good for you, I don't think you've ever let me to hug you before."

She glared at him without seriousness. "And I won't again if you keep annoying me about it."

They stayed silent. Uncle Tsukate had his eyes pinned on her face, she could feel them shedding her of every barrier, every layer of concealer. She turned her face away from his gaze, pretending to look at the lake in front of them.

"You haven't been sleeping." He stated. Of course he would see right through her. "Do you want to talk about it, Gohama-chan?"

A blush crept over the skin of her neck and face, its redness full of shame. Gohama brought her knees to her chest and supported her chin on them. Uncle would be disgusted if he ever found out about her first jonin mission.

"I see." He hummed in understanding and turned his eyes to the lake as well. "Congratulations on making jonin. I knew you would." He pinched her cheek mockingly "And Rogue Bingo Book and all. So grown up, Gohama-chan!"

She could see the fear behind his eyes and all she did was lightly swat his hand with a both annoyed and caring glare. "Good to know your informants are up to date." Uncle may be a monk, but the ninja life rooted too deeply to wash away completely.

He chuckled and settled back against the bench. She could feel the solemnity taking over him. Gohama already knew the words that would leave his mouth. "I'm proud of you, Gohama. And they are proud of you. Your father and mother. All of Buki."

She let a bitter scoff rise from her throat. "I know why the Arms was destroyed." Uncle tensed, his concealed chakra flickered. "They were after Seiryu. Aka-tsu-ki. Some clandestine syndicate after the biju. They hired the missing-nin. They… Because of me. The Village died because of me."

"Gohama, don't blame yourself, please. You had nothing to do with it."

"They were looking for me. People died for me. If grandfather had been the jinchu—"

"But he wasn't. You didn't choose to have Seiryu sealed in you. You were a child. And I thank the kami every day that you're still here."

Gohama didn't. There was nothing to thank for about being the only survivor. Or maybe she was being selfish, maybe she should thank for there being someone who could carry on Bukigakure's spirit. Maybe she should thank being the only way the Arms could restore its honour.

"At least now I know who to go after." Uncle didn't speak, but his silence showed his censure "Shut up."

"I didn't say anything."

"I can still feel you disapproving. It's my duty, that's why I was left alive."

"That's not your duty. The Village doesn't ask that of you. My brother would never ask that of you."

"The Yukikage would, he did. That's why I'm alive."

"My brother would always put his snowdrop above his weapon."

"Then he was a terrible Yukikage."

She regretted her words the moment they had left her mouth. Uncle didn't say anything, he knew she had said them without believing them. These few weeks after the mission had been tearing at her deeper than she had realised. Only when finally seeing Uncle did she understand how deep.

Even with the weight of their conversation on both of them, it was so relieving to see Uncle again. Still, the missing was sharper with him right next to her. She would have to go back to Konoha. No matter how much she wanted to stay with him, how much she craved for breathing Snow's air, her path was in Konoha.

And her team too. Even if she had been distant with them, she couldn't just disappear. They had truly grown on her. Maybe her heart did have a little space for them between the crannies meant for her Village. She wanted to give them more, but couldn't. Gohama didn't know if out of duty or because she wasn't capable of it. She didn't know… Could she love them? Anyone who wasn't her dead Village?

Uncle Tsukate's voice shattered her wonderings. "Tell me about Konoha." He asked lightly.

She gave a small smile against her knees as she remembered her team. "I'm on a team. Have been for about two year. One of my teammates is a Hyuga." She turned her eyes to Uncle to gauge his reaction, he just smiled at her. "Kisamaru. He's always calm and poised, what you'd expect really. He doesn't talk much, but is always attentive to everything. We get along really well. All of us do. Nikato is a mess, a cheerful, overly excited one. We compete over stupid things, but it's just for fun. Hansuke's the team leader. A great shinobi." Gohama blushed slightly.

"Just a great shinobi?" Uncle asked with an amused quirk of his eyebrow.

"Hansuke's a good man." She turned her eyes back to the lake. The best man. "He knows about Seiryu." She added gravely "He found out last week. I had one of my sleeping breakouts. It's just him and I know he won't report."

Gohama was glad she had had a small breakout. She had wanted to tell him about being the jinchuriki since her stay for a couple of nights at his home. But she couldn't compromise Seiryu and she couldn't ask Hansuke to go against his duty to Konoha, she couldn't ask him to also take the burden. He had offered, he had asked himself. She would try to relieve him the best she could.

"They're my team. I trust them with my life."

Uncle settled a hand on her head. "Good. I'm glad you went to Konoha." He ruffled her hair leaned back on the bench "How's my friend Kakashi doing?"

Her chest squeezed painfully at the name. She dismissed it and hoped Uncle was too enraptured by the ducks flying away from the surface of the water to notice. "Not sure. Haven't seen much of him lately, he's probably on a long term."

Uncle only hummed in response. They stayed silent, just enjoying each other's presence, for long minutes. Gohama had truly missed him.

They talked about random things and the monastery as they ate. One of the older monks had died, it wasn't unexpected, a long time had passed since she had left. It seemed longer. After years of living in a fitted routine at the monastery, the past almost two years had been so full of changes and people and missions. Gohama was glad to know old monk Yamato was still too stubborn to leave his roses unattended with his death.

Uncle had brought bento boxes with a traditional stew from Snow. Gohama hummed in delight and her heart tightened heavily, ready to burst with the overwhelming taste of home. She had needed this, this small, and because of that, almost cruel piece of home.

Gohama handed to Uncle Tsukate her empty, scrapped off bento. "The ANBU will probably find us any moment now."

"I was surprised they'd let you stroll all alone without supervision." Uncle mocked with a bitter tone to his words "Turns out you just ran away."

"Will probably get grounded by Tsunade when she finds out." Gohama mocked back. She gave a long suffered sigh and added seriously, "She could be worse, though. The Council is much worse. I doubt they even know I'm here with you. They would never let me leave my room."

Uncle stuck his hand inside his monk robes and took out a scroll, handing it to her. "Then I should give you this before the ANBU arrive. I managed to put everything inside of that one."

Gohama took the scroll and put it in her back pouch. She looked back at him with grateful, slightly concerned, eyes. "Uncle, I don't know how to thank you… I just… I couldn't go there…"

"It's okay." He laid his hand on her head again and smiled kindly at her "I know."

"Uncle, one more thing… Can you flare your chakra, please?"

He chuckled softly and ruffled her hair. In that moment, Uncle Tsukate had never looked so much like Father. His deep green eyes so Kyura like. His tender expression so fatherly. So, so fatherly Gohama had to look away. Then his fluid chakra slipped into her awareness, engulfing her in its familiarity, in its safety, in its homeliness. A Kyura chakra. Uncle's chakra.

Fuck, it was both painful and comforting.

Shortly after two ANBU chakra signatures loomed in the trees around them.

"Before you go, Hama-chan, let's walk a bit."

So, they walked unhurriedly, side by side, through the green fields of that Land of Fire park. Uncle had always enjoyed his pensive walks around the monastery gardens.

"I can't help but tell you again, Hama-chan, that is not your burden to take. You can let it go. You have a team you trust now, a place as a village kunoichi in Konoha. You can do good and you can be happy." His gaze moved to the sky "You can be free. Your father and mother always wanted that for you, even when they couldn't give you that. But now you can. You're no longer stuck in a monastery with some old monks, you have other people that care about you, that you trust. You owe nothing to the dead." Before she could lash out on him for his words, Uncle asked, "Please, don't answer, Gohama. Just take what I said with you. I know I could never stop you from doing what you set your mind on."

"I didn't set my mind on it. My life was set on it and for it. Always has been."

He stopped under the tree one of the ANBU was hiding in.

"Anytime you need, know you can come to me, Hama-chan." He pecked the top of her head "Even if it's best you don't. Your life is in Konoha now." He took a step back "Say hello to your team for me. Goodbye, Gohama. Stay safe."

"Goodbye, Uncle, stay safe too."

He bowed and turned around with the quiet acceptance of a monk whose life wasn't with the common. She watched his figure walk away towards north until it was just a dab of ochre against the green.

* * *

She slumped on the chair and looked at Toshi, tapping the glass bowl lightly. He did what he always did, he just swam around and caught the few pieces of food Gohama let fall into the water. Hansuke had probably fed him already. She had come there to get her fish, hoping he would help her through the night, and leave. She should never have slumped on the chair. Now she couldn't get up and Hansuke's chakra was sliding right under her skin. It still wasn't enough.

It was one of those nights where everything was heavier. So unbearably heavier. And still she could always pass through them onto the next day. Even if the day didn't bring relief with it, she would pass through onto the next night. And so on, until one day the weight lifted a little and the colour of the sky didn't look so flat. It was always the light and the sky. It was always small, just a little seed of appreciation in her heart. And it would grow until she could feel things as good again.

For now, on that long night, everything was flat. She could even be thankful the anguish didn't have the drive to hurt anymore, but she wasn't. Tonight she was nothing and the world was nothing. It was heavy and it was dull. It was tiring. She was so so tired, it had settled in her bones.

Hansuke's chakra flared slightly from his bedroom. It would not do well for him to find her in his dining room staring at a fish. She would make them fight again. It was so easy to fall into rage was she felt so empty.

She picked herself up and the bowl and left his apartment for the Hokage Mountain. It was obvious she wouldn't sleep that night and, honestly, she was too scared to try. Her nightmares hadn't been kind and she was doing her best to keep her mind from everything stacking up on top of each other, suffocating her from inside.

Not to think and push through. Always push through.

Maybe the sunrise would give her a flicker of something.

* * *

"Gohama!" She continued to properly order the items in her paper bag, but Nikato called for her again. "Gohama!"

His chakra signature moved towards her beside a gentler and small one, a civilian. Seeing she couldn't escape from meeting him, Gohama looked at him over her shoulder, feigned recognition flashing in her eyes. They both knew she had already sensed him before, but people still enjoyed the sentiment of faking surprise.

Her gaze focussed on the little girl taking wide steps to keep up with her brother. Her straight auburn hair didn't have her brother's vibrant colour Gohama had learned to treasure, and her big childish eyes were light, not the coal of Nikato's. She was a cute girl, even more with her crunched nose and glower. She didn't seem like Gohama.

"Hey, Gohama. I want you to meet my little sister." He pointed towards the girl with the hand holding his ice-cream, brown melted drops ran down his fingers. Realising this, he absentindly licked it from his skin. Both girls stared at him with disgust pouring from their features.

"Enjoying that ice-cream, hmm, Nikato?" Gohama joked.

He stopped mid movement and his eyes turned up towards her own. Nikato jerked away from his hand as if burned and brushed his forehead with his thumb. "Sorry…" He muttered and cleaned himself properly with a napkin.

Gohama turned to his sister. "Nice to meet you, Mime-chan."

"You know my name…" she said warily, her expression so unlike Nikato's usual openness.

"Of course, your nii-chan loves talking about his little sister."

"Really?" She asked with a smile that lit up her big blue eyes.

It was the truth. Nikato loved to boast and share stories of his siblings. Gohama liked to hear the affection in his voice, even when he complained about them being spoilt or exasperating. The pettiness and banality of some of his grumbling was what gave every story life. The fights over the remote, the fights over the last piece of cake, over who helped their mum, over nothing at all.

Gohama knew she wasn't supposed to agree with his venting, that would insult him by insulting his siblings. Kisamaru had been the one to teach her that when Nikato had still hated her. She had agreed with his description of his brother as a spoilt brat and he had went on a rant about how good of a person he was and how she was a horrible person for judging him without knowing him. At that time, infuriating him was always entertaining, still Kisamaru had warned her not to talk about his family again. And Gohama had respected that. Family was family.

"Yeah, he said you're great at playing the xylophone."

Her smile turned a little cocky. "What about Akio?"

"Most of the times he just complains."

Mime laughed and Nikato joined her too. "Want to come to the park with us?" He asked her.

That was too much. Gohama didn't want to intrude in their brother and sister fun and she wasn't in the mood for something so… normal.

"Come, please, Gohama-san." Mime asked her with those big puppy eyes. "You can play with us."

The sneaky kid, she had known Gohama was going to refuse and was trying to manipulate her with that cute little face of hers. "Okay. And just Gohama."

They walked towards the park in the civilian district. Gohama never went there except for Hansuke's home, but usually she took the least crowded route. There was little difference in the streets here from the more ninja neighbourhoods. The most noticeable one was the lack of people jumping around rooftops. Still, a cosier air moved through the stores, the homes, the people.

Everyone seemed to know the two siblings as they greeted them and asked after their family. They looked warily at her, their eyes focussing on the hitai-ate at her waist. It wasn't Konoha's and they probably didn't recognise Buki's shuriken.

Once they reached the park, Mime ran towards a group of kids playing in the monkey bars. Nikato steered her towards a wooden bench in front of a group of trees. She listened to him talk vaguely as she watched the children play. They were playing ninja with kunai made of cardboard or sticks. That made her smile. Their heads or arms tied with bandanas with drawn Village symbols. Konoha were the good guys and all the others the bad ones. Their deaths were incredibly dramatic, with loud cries and gruts, and they squirmed on the floor for ages until finally going still. The death was all child's play for them. They didn't know what it truly meant and hopefully never would. Shinobi made sure they wouldn't.

"Why do you like children so much?"

Gohama turned her head towards Nikato. "I do?"

"I think you do." He answered with a cheeky smile.

"Well…" she started uncertainly "…they're the future of any village, that's what we fight for, isn't it?"

"It is." His tone had a solemn tilt to it Gohama had never heard before. "But that doesn't mean you have to like them."

She chuckled. "They're also really cute with those tiny hands and big eyes, so that helps."

"I miss it." Nikato commented quietly, almost on energy behind his voice. "Playing games about surviving and not knowing how terrifying it really is. How scary death can be…"

His face was turned away from her, towards the children playing, and Gohama couldn't see the sorrow she could hear. Her chest twisted in knots at Nikato's rare words. They had talked of death before, but he had never taken it with the defeated attitude he had now. He had always been hopeful, stubborn even. What had happened to his fire?

"Nikato…"

He finally turned to her, his eyes wide, almost childish. "Aren't you scared of dying, Gohama?"

Even if she knew he wanted her to, she wouldn't lie. "Not really…"

He chuckled lightly. "You're so noble. Kisamaru's the same. Maybe it's about both your clans, I don't know… I just… I became a shinobi because of the Will of Fire. I wanted to serve my Village, protect my people, be strong and do good. Most of the times when I'm out there I forget about all that. I just think, I don't want to die, I don't want to die. That's what gives me strength…" He supported his elbows on his knees and hid his face in his hands. "Does that make me a bad shinobi, Gohama?"

An awkward hand reached for his back and stayed there, brushing up and down. She didn't know how to comfort him. She had no idea how to comfort people. Only honesty was left for her.

"Of course not. I also think that and I'm also scared." Terrified. Gohama was always terrified on their missions, especially after their last one. "But we still get back there and do our duty. That's what makes a good shinobi, not what drives them on during battles, but what makes them go back to them."

Nikato took a shaky breath and straightened back up. "That was wise." He said with a frail teasing smile.

"I am wise." She answered back lightly. "Are you okay, Nikato?"

"Yeah… The last mission just shook me up a bit."

That was taking it lightly. Gohama had been thoroughly fucked up from their almost-deadly mission. Nikato and Hansuke had stayed in the hospital for five days. After Kisamaru and she, were certain their friends had survived, Gohama had gone back to her apartment and spent two hours in the shower shaking and cleaning off her teammates' blood from under her fingernails.

Tsunade had given their team a leave for two weeks. She never let them rest idly in the Village for more than one. Bad intel always resulted in unprepared teams and fucked up missions.

"Me too."

Gohama had had a week of sleepless nights, perfect for fuinjutsu study. Seiryu's chakra had started to stir with her fear, it had almost broken free again on that mission. In that despairing moment when both Nikato and Hansuke lay motionless and bloody, enemies moving to finish them off, she had welcomed it without hesitation. Luckily it never spilled past her chakra core.

On some nights, she had woken up with the consuming power of Seiryu's chakra lingering in her bedroom and in her pathways. The sheets weren't burned nor the windows shattered which meant it wasn't as bad as when Hansuke found out. Still, it worried her.

The breakout in her first jonin mission had awakened the beast's energy. Gohama could feel it looming over her own chakra core, messing with her balance. The seal seemed intact, but the unconscious mind was always dangerous. She could subdue it down while awake, she could hold her emotions from rousing it, but the nightmares…

"I don't want to die without at least knowing what falling in love is like." Nikato commented sheepishly, after a few moments, and laughed. Gohama laughed with him.

"If it makes you feel better it probably isn't as amazing as everyone says it is."

"It has to be, it's what everyone ever talks about."

"What about the one with brown hair… the civilian. I thought you liked her."

"I did, until I didn't. I don't know why I just… It's not like I only date girls to… you know… I actually like them in the beginning, but then I get…"

"…bored?"

"Yeah, bored." He dropped his head back and exhaled long and loud. "I know it sounds awful."

"It's not awful. You just need to find a girl that can keep up with all that energy."

"What if there isn't one?"

"Kato. You're eighteen. Why do you even worry about that?"

"I've just been thinking about the future, you know…"

"I know." Both friends watched one group of children cheer and boast because of their victory and the others sulk and argue. "I have your back, Nikato… on missions… I'll keep you safe."

He smiled openly at her. "I have your back too, Gohama." His arm reached around her shoulders and crushed her against his chest. She fell into his comfortable hug without letting it show. He'd never stop teasing her for it if he noticed. He spoke quietly to the top of her head. "Thanks for the talk. You can talk to me, you know… maybe I can help you. I want to. You've been… down."

That made her pull away. "It's nothing. I'm just tired. I started studying fuinjutsu and it takes a lot of hours out of my night, so I'm not getting much sleep."

"Fuinjutsu really? How's it going?"

Gohama went into the technical detail of her learning, sure that it would make Nikato bored and space out from their conversation. He ended up falling asleep and Gohama decided to stay to watch Mime-chan for him. Now that she was finally paying attention to him, she could see the dark circles under his eyes and how his cheeks looked leaner. How had she missed it before? So caught up in her own fear, her own worries piling one above the other, she hadn't even considered how he was doing. But those were petty excuses. Nikato was her friend, her teammate. Gohama should have seen it before.

When the streetlights turned on and there was almost no more light in the sky, he woke up from his nap with a self-slap to his forehead. He called for his little sister and they both rushed out of the park, Nikato throwing comments about how his mum would kill him for being late for dinner.

Gohama stayed longer. There was no one to be late for.

* * *

Gohama watched the twirling liquid of her drink clash against the glass as she circled it on the wooden table. The hairs on her arm were standing and a few shivers continued to speed through her skin. There were thirteen people in Ippon. She could make out every single chakra signature to the finest detail of flow. Never had her senses been less overwhelmed in that bar and yet she couldn't relax.

The prickly gaze of a man a few tables away from her made her muscles tight and rigid, her stomach spiral and icy. It was just a man looking, as they often did, but she couldn't fight the uneasiness out of herself.

Gohama had chosen this evening because it was Monday and less people went to Ippon on Mondays. None of her teammates could make it tonight and she had wanted to take this step alone. The rundown bar she went to nowadays had officially kicked her out after she beat one of the regular patrons for a lewd comment. It had been out of impulse and definitely excessive, but Gohama didn't regret it. Now, she had to find a new bar, and good old Ippon was the best option. Someday Nikato would drag her in there whether she wanted it or not. It was best to be mentally prepared for that.

However, as that heavy, stabbing stare scrapped the skin out of her legs, she was regretting ever coming there that night. She definitely wasn't ready. This time she couldn't even lift her eyes from her drink and give the guy a threatening look. What was wrong with her?

The door opened and a familiar chakra signature washed over her. Her joints loosened around the warm glass in her hand.

"So, my darling Kyura," Genma greeted as he fell on the bench beside her "I guess tonight it's just you and me." His tone was flirty, but there was no intention behind it, as always.

"Not looking for a girl tonight, hmm, Genma?"

"I've got the perfect girl right here." He slid his arm around her shoulder.

That how Genma was, touchy. But just the same as with his flirting, it had no true intention behind it. It wasn't meant to comfort her, show her affection, seduce her, nothing. It was how he was with people, it was neutral and weightless, so it had never bothered Gohama. It didn't bother her now, it helped the restlessness drip away from her muscles.

He looked around a scarce Ippon. "Nothing like a slow night, sometimes."

"Why not just go to another quieter bar?"

"I suppose the sake tastes different in cleaner cups." He joked.

Ippon had its cleaning problems, but it was usually limited to sticky floors and stained tables. The bathrooms were surprisingly acceptable. The dump she had been kicked out of was a true dump, with the stale smell of old men, musty wood and every piece of glassware stained. Gohama only chose it because no one she knew would ever venture going there.

She understood what he had meant. After probably a decade of coming to Ippon, the familiarity ranked higher than any quietness.

Gohama didn't think she had ever been alone with Genma. Contrary to most guys, with alcohol his flirting lessened, he was less teasing but more friendly. They talked about random, light things as the cups kept being emptied and filled again. Gohama didn't know who it was that kept the alcohol running. Soon they had quieted down to a drunk stupor.

Genma had slumped on his seat, his arm still around her, and Gohama had laid her head against his shoulder, not for emotional comfort, but because she was too tired to keep her head up by herself. Now they were just silent, letting the buzz flow through their numbed minds.

"I know one more!" He let out so suddenly Gohama jolted "I used to wear a choker as a kid."

She took her head away from his shoulder to look at him fully. His glassy, bloodshot eyes glinted with amusement. She turned her eyes to his neck. "That's not embarrassing, you probably looked cute," she pinched her fingers together "maybe slightly girlish, but cute."

"Of course I looked cute, I _was_ cute. Doesn't mean I'm not embarrassed when I think back at my style choices."

"You should go back to it, maybe with a thing to put a leash on."

"My darling Gohama, were you always so kinky?" He gave her one of his flirtatious smiles, his senbon dangling from the corner of his mouth. "Who corrupted you?"

She settled back against the booth. "I'm as pure as snow."

He snorted. "Of course you are, sweetheart."

They continued in between throwing some detached comments they forgot about a few moments later and long moments of silence. Genma had a flair for amusing people with the most irrelevant things. It made him great with livening up parties.

She remembered Izumo's birthday party a few months ago. Who knew what had happened there? No one really, everyone had ended up too drunk for it, but it had been a great night. Gohama remembered three moments, Hansuke forcing her to dance with him, the disturbing image of Nikato making out with a girl near the bathrooms and having fun with Genma. Doing what she didn't know, only that she had had a great, almost happy time.

Now that she thought about it, Nikato was also like that. Maybe that explained why the older jonin had a soft spot for her teammate. Genma usually expressed it with condescending banter, a few punches, and life lessons about women. She supposed that was how older brothers dealt with younger ones, violent affection. From what Nikato talked, he was the same with his brother.

Yukine had been only a toddler, too young for Gohama to really know how they would have gotten along. Still, from what she remembered, there was only tender and loving care for him.

Why did her mind always fall into depressing holes? Gohama still felt like filth and shit, but things were moving forward, she was being surprisingly productive in her misery. Her studies in fuinjutsu were showing results. It was like solving a puzzle mix of language, characters and chakra. So absolutely exhausting that she could actually sleep without remembering her dreams.

"Hey, Gohama." Genma called, his head was leaning up against the wall, but she could feel his attentive gaze on her. What kind of inappropriate question did he want to ask now? Hadn't the elbow jab to his stomach half an hour ago been enough to break his curiosity?

"Hmm."

"What happened between you and Hatake?"

He just had to ruin one of her most pleasant nights in months with his stupid mouth.

"Nothing." She said lightly and promptly fetched her glass from the table.

"You used to get along well and now he's avoiding you. He's been avoiding you for months."

She huffed. "He doesn't avoid me."

"Yes, he does." He said transparently. One thing Genma was was frank, almost painfully so. "We were coming here for a few drinks and he left when he sensed you inside." That fucking bastard. He couldn't even stay in the same room as her. "He gave one of his stupid excuses. It's not the first time, either. And I haven't seen you talking to each other in a couple of months. He used to talk a lot to you."

"A lot?" she laughed.

"A lot by Hatake standards." She downed her glass and filled it again. "Did you sleep together?"

"What? No. Absolutely not. Never."

"All I know is that Hatake would only take the trouble of avoiding someone for so long if he cared about them or seriously hated them. And I know he doesn't hate you." He gave her his cocky, amused smirk "Did you break his heart?"

She scoffed. "Hatake Kakashi doesn't have a heart."

"You know that's not true." He said softly. She knew. "I miss when we used to mess around, you know, just sitting here until last drink, only saying shit."

"We're literally doing that now."

"Yeah, but not with him. It's like having divorced paren—"

"Genma, you're so drunk you're seeing shit where there isn't shit. Nothing happened. You just thought we got along better than we did."

"I know him, darling, I've known him for too long."

"What do you want me to say, Genma? It's Hatake, I have no fucking idea."

He offered only an unconvinced grunt and she asked for another bottle of sake.

* * *

"Where's your home, Gohama?"

He was dragging her through the streets, one hand snaked around her waist, the other holding her arm propped on his shoulders.

"North…" she mumbled.

"More specific, please."

"Across the Heji Mountains," she started with a rough voice and dragged out tone "where the snow that never melts and the birches make the land white."

He stopped suddenly and her head stumbled forward. "Fucking gods… are you actually singing?"

She leaned her head back against his shoulder and smiled at him, while giving a semblance of a shrug. "It's a beautiful song."

"Where's your apartment?"

Gohama messily turned her head around the street and looked back at him with another goofy smile. "I have no fucking idea." Then, she giggled.

The sound, so unlike the usual Gohama, bubbled through his chest. Genma couldn't help but chuckle. "I don't think I've ever seen you this drunk, Kyura."

He dropped his arm to swirl it around the back of her knees and lifted her up. Even if he was drunk himself and slightly wobbly on his feet, it would be faster to take her to Hansuke's. Genma didn't think it was a wise decision to bring a drunk pretty woman back to his apartment. He would never take advantage of a helpless girl, but it would be too tantalising to have her sleeping in his sheets. Even if it was difficult to place Gohama in the helpless bracket – a mumbling deadweight mess or not, Gohama was Gohama. Still, if she didn't know where she lived then maybe he should accept that she was at least in the mere mortal bracket that night.

Gohama let out a little yelp as he fixed his hold on her by flinging her a few millimetres in the air. She quickly snuggled against his chest, an arm wrapping around his neck as she nuzzled his collarbone with her cheek. Definitely a good idea to leave her with Hansuke.

"You're so warm. It's nice, you know"

He was sure she was taunting him on purpose. "Don't say things like that when I'm carrying you to another man's house."

"And you're very comfy." And she decided to show her appreciation by wiggling impossibly closer to him.

He tightened his grasp on her thigh as a warning. "You're so fucking drunk, Gohama."

"It's because you brought up that bastard." Her glassy gaze focussed on the movement of her hand as it played with his vest's zipper. "I know he's avoiding me, I disgust him."

"That kinky, huh?"

"Worse, I'm a whore. But shhh," she tried to clasp her hand against his mouth, fortunately for his mental health, she whimpered when his senbon pricked her palm. "Shhh," she repeated, "don't tell Suke, he'd never let me say it, or think it. If he knew the things I think about he'd be so mad." Then, she giggled again.

Now she sounded like a child. "Then, shut up, because I'm bringing you to his house."

This drunkest Gohama was the most bizarre thing he had ever witnessed. He had seen much weirder people, yes. Asuma high on shrooms at the end of the Third Ninja War was certainly the top one. But the contrast between her normal, composed self, and the woman giggling and confiding with him made it so much weirder.

Especially when she called herself a whore. Gohama was definitely not one, unless she was the sneakiest one in Konoha. Still, as slut number one, Genma knew about most of the women who slept around and he wasn't even sure she had slept with anyone in the Village. Unless she had lied. Whatever had happened between her and Hatake, they had most definitely slept together. And it seemed Hansuke knew something about it too.

She brought her other arm around his neck and pressed her forehead to the crook of his neck. "Genma-chan," he chuckled at the honorific "are we friends?"

Definitely, the most bizarre thing he had ever witnessed.

Genma had never consciously put a tag to their relationship, but yeah, friends felt right. He got along with two women besides Gohama, Anko and Kurenai. And maybe Shizune, even with their shitload of problems.

With Anko it was based mostly on stringless nights, it was messy companionship, always swinging between fights, avoidance and pretending they didn't actually care about each other.

Kurenai had always kept a certain distance from him, probably because she found his way of handling any woman obnoxious. They were all girls he had grown up with, gone through a war with, seen death with, and that complicity was mostly what made them friends.

With Gohama it was different. They had known each other for a year and he could already admit he had a soft spot for her, at least to himself. They got along really well and she was so romantically uninterested in him that his senseless flirting didn't bother her at all. His manly ego would have been more offended if he didn't enjoy her company with this particular, harmless teasing. It was a nice touch that kept her apart from the guys.

He was fully aware of how much of a woman she was, but somehow she was different from the others. He had only tried his luck with her once after the pre-selection to the jonin Exams. After an outrageous tab in whiskey for a sexless night, he had learned his lesson. And good thing he had, Genma enjoyed having her around as a friend.

"Of course, we are, my darling Kyura, who could say no to being friends with a gorgeous face like yours—"

She swatted at his shoulder. "Hey, you only like me for my looks." Her tone wasn't serious, she knew it was just his way of speaking.

"I wasn't finished. You're also really good company, and who can say no to that?"

She giggled again. "A lot of people."

"They're not very smart then. Especially that Hatake, for a genius prodigy he can be so fucking stupid." Her eyes turned back to his zipper. "I can put some sense into him, if you want to."

"And I'm the drunk one? Kakashi _is_ the Copy-nin."

"Ouch," he would have taken his hand to his chest in a mocking gesture, if any were free. "my pride."

"It was a nice offer, but I don't need it. And please don't pry around, it's nothing. Okay?" He nodded. "Promise, Genma?"

"I promise." Considering it was Gohama and Kakashi, even if he tried he would never get anything. "Now sleep, darling. We're almost there."

Gohama was already passed out when Hansuke opened the door to his home, dressed in only his boxers and with half-lidded eyes. Genma stormed inside, making sure he wouldn't send him away with the sleeping girl on his arms, and laid her on his bed.

"What's going on, Shiranui?" Hansuke demanded, as he followed him inside, worry strong in his voice.

"Nothing, Gohama just passed out and I don't know where she lives and neither did she." Genma passed by his friend and gave strong dismissive pats to his shoulder. "Good night."

Hansuke brought a glass of water to his bedside table and internally winced out of sympathy for the killer hangover Gohama would have in the morning. He took out her sandals and tucked her in his sheets.

"Good night, Gohama." He whispered as he leaned to kiss her forehead.

He pulled out a futon and laid it next to his bed. She wouldn't be happy to find out he had given up his place next to her, but Hansuke knew it was too early for her to share his bed with him. For the past few months when they stayed in inns, he had always asked for four different beds instead of two, claiming he was having back problems. It was a weak excuse and Gohama knew, still she didn't argue with him.

To say Hansuke was worried wasn't enough. The bags under her eyes, the getting so drunk she couldn't remember where she lived, the not fighting with him over things she would before, the flinching at his sudden movements and the avoiding their team hangouts.

The trembling of her back and her erratic breathing now as she slept. Nightmares. Even when passed out from alcohol Gohama was having a nightmare. At least she was sleeping.

That fucking mission. He should have never let her take it.

Gohama's chakra quivered and flared and Hansuke sat up to see if she had woken up. Still sleeping. With a weary sigh, he lay down again and turned his back towards the bed.

He should have kept himself awake, he should have made sure Gohama was calm. But he didn't. He went back to sleep with the easiness he always had.

* * *

With a long groan torn out from her aching body, Gohama woke up. The first thing that hit her was the smell. Blood. She opened her eyes to a cover of darkness and she thought it was one of her nightmares. The stench of blood was always in them. She brought her hands up to her gaze but they were clean this time. In her nightmares, she was always soaked in red. The glow of her pale skin made her realise it was night-time and there was an almost full moon in the sky. There was never a moon in her nightmares.

Then came the shuddering breaths, so quiet and so pained in the calm full moon night. Who was it this time? Gohama was too afraid to see them. From the low tone, probably Father. The third thing that hit her was the chakra. Why had it taken her so long to feel it? Was it the throbbing of her head? Now she knew. This time, it was Hansuke.

Gohama rolled herself and started crawling towards him. Everything felt so real that she was even more terrified of facing the tattered image her mind had constructed this time, but she couldn't ignore him. The outgrown grass was moist from the cool night and she dug her fingers into the dirt so she could drag herself forward. It was too real. In her lucid dreams and in genjutsu there was always a sense of displacement, of foreignness, of un-substance.

This was real. Real. Real.

And then she was running and throwing herself to Hansuke's torn body. So much blood. So much blood. All over him and all over herself now. Why didn't she know proper medical jutsu? What worth was it to treat scratches and scanning for injuries if she couldn't heal them?

Why? She shouted to herself and to the world. Why was Hansuke dying? Why? Then the burning of her forearm hit her and with it the feel of that raw, monstrous power she knew so well, and yet never enough to control it. It flooded the air and it lingered in her burning pathways.

Monster. Monster. Monster.

And then she cried for help. Gohama had never cried for help. No one came for what could have been seconds or hours. With a chakra pulse into her hand seal, they were jumping halfway through the Village. Reckless, it could have killed him. But Gohama was desperate and time was Hansuke's enemy now, time and herself.

Hansuke's limp body hit white clear tiles and the redness of his blood was so much real now, fatal against the fragility of his skin. She continued to scream for help until her throat was scrapped out, her lungs hurt and someone was prying her out of Hansuke.

They had to hold her and she fought to reach for him, as she fought to do something. But there was nothing she could do and Gohama didn't really know what she was fighting for and against. Hansuke was drowned in a circle of white coats and all she could see was the blood that continued to slide through the white tiles.

Hansuke left in a stretcher and what was left behind was the muddy mess of red footprints and swipes of crimson and so much of his blood. The medics and Hansuke disappeared into a room. Her body went limp against the strong hold someone had on her. They tried to keep her up, but decided to let her fall to the floor on her knees.

Throwing herself to the side, she vomited all the alcohol she had drunk that night. Even her stomach felt as if it was trying to leave her body, every gut in her wanted to run away from the monster they were locked inside of. So she threw up until there was nothing more that could leave her, but her insides were still rotten. Rotten with the stench of blood, vomit and biju chakra.


	33. IV - Chapter 3

Part IV | Chapter 3

* * *

The scroll started shaking and the characters of the seal she was studying turned fuzzy. She propped the paper against her knees and still she couldn't stop her hands from trembling. Gohama closed them into tight fists and pushed them against her lap. The scroll fell onto the grass with a quiet thud.

The soldier pill that she had taken to keep herself awake was wearing down. There was no need to take another one when in the safety of Konoha, but the lack of control over her own hands, her flesh and bone weapons of deftness and speed, always made her restless.

Gohama tilted her head back against the tree trunk and let her skin soak in the morning light. The trembles would soon spread throughout her body and then she wouldn't be able to focus on reading.

A chakra signature sped through the trees near the secluded training field and it made her jolt. She snorted. Only he would be jogging so far away from the Village walls. He halted in his run and in an instant was standing in front of her.

"Hello, Gohama."

"Gai." She acknowledged without opened her eyelids.

"It's a beautiful day for calm youthful sunbathing. Would you mind if I joined you?"

Feeling the coolness of Gai's shadow on her cheeks, Gohama felt it was safe to open her eyes. Even in a setting against the sun, his smile shone bright. She patted the spot beside her and he sat down.

"I hope you put on sunscreen before. We wouldn't want your smooth and youthful skin to wither."

"Don't worry, Gai, my skin regenerates fast."

They sat in silence and quiet. Too quiet for a moment shared with the always energetic green beast. It was almost eerie. The fact that they were rarely together outside of Ippon also made the situation strange. But Gohama was rarely with anyone outside of Ippon. Only the boys and Hansuke and she hadn't seen them in two months now.

"Ask away."

"Can't I just enjoy a lovely afternoon with you, Gohama?"

"You can, but that doesn't mean you would. At least not while doing something as idle as doing literally nothing."

Gai chuckled. He had a warm contagious laugh that never failed to make a smile stretch her lips. "Idleness is also important in a youthful way of living. My active spirit does not stop me from enjoying it."

"Damn, Gai, you're so calm even your voice sounds different." Gohama pulled herself from the trunk and looked at him. "Is everything okay? You're not dying, are you?" When Gai didn't answer and only smiled at her with his blinding grin, her heart sank a little. "Please tell me you're not dying."

"I'm not dying." He reassured with another chuckle. "It's just that we always meet in Ippon and I saw you here and wanted to join you. And I'm glad I did, you're eyes look much more beautiful in the sun."

Her cheeks warmed with embarrassment. "If I didn't know you, Gai, I'd think you were hitting on me."

Now it was his turn to blush, as his hands waved a clear no. "Nothing like that, Gohama, although you are a beautiful young woman, and I'm sure a lot of men compliment you with that intention, it's nothing like that."

Gohama laughed and felt relief at having the embarrassment passed onto another person. "I know, Gai, I was just messing with you. For all it's worth, I'm also glad you joined me."

"Thank you."

"Next time, we can just go spar or something so you don't get bored."

"I would never get bored of the warmth of the sun or the colourful field or your charming company, Gohama." His tone finally had the usual praising and cheerful tilt, even if less loud. "But yes, next time a spar with the great kunoichi, Kyura Gohama, will be great!"

"Please stop throwing compliments around, it makes me a little uncomfortable."

"Why? Don't you like them?"

"It's not that I don't like them, it's just that I… I don't know."

"You remind me of my eternal rival." Kakashi. "You don't need to answer, just accept them, okay?" He asked with a smile.

Even if heart had sunk a little, she couldn't stay cold to those gleaming teeth. "Okay." She nodded with a smile, although a bit frail, of her own. "You're good at cheering people up, Gai."

Gai halted and watched her face closely with scrutinizing and warm black eyes. Gohama lowered her head, uncomfortable with the knowing gaze he had. Then, she heard a little sniffle and lifted her eyes to catch his infamous rivers of tears flowing down his face. Gai pulled her into an awkward sitting bear hug.

"Every time you need someone to remind you of the joy of youthful life, you can come to me, Gohama."

She had already suspected the reason why he had sat beside her. She appreciated it, especially the lack of intrusiveness in his approach. He didn't need to know, he just wanted to be good company.

With her arms squeezed in a crushing lock, Gohama couldn't give him her dismissive pats, she usually offered to Nikato. "Thanks, Gai." She whispered sincerely.

Gohama needed cheering up. Her thoughts were always stuck in the same tune, the same pitiful self-loathing. How was her team? Did the boys know what she had done? They hadn't sought her out, so they probably knew. Did they hate her now? Did Hansuke?

Hansuke had tried to see the bright side of it, but there was none. He didn't understand. It had been her the one controlling the beast's chakra, even if obliviously, it had still been her. Seiryu only provided the chakra, she was the one that moulded it.

Gohama was a jinchuriki, the barriers between her and Seiryu were faint. She had been carrying the beast within her since the first day of her life. There was no Gohama without Seiryu and Seiryu's chakra couldn't come forth without Gohama.

It always pierced her to remember the smell and colour of his blood, how it wedged to her hands. Seeing him in that hospital bed again, his head bound in gauze and chest bandaged. All because of her. Her.

The disillusion in his voice and eyes.

"_You're going to disappear again, aren't you?"_

_Gohama trembled at his rough and weary voice. At least, he was finally awake. She forced herself to lift her face from where it was hidden between her hands. "Hansuke…" she choked out "I'm so sorry, I didn't mea—"_

"_I know you didn't mean it. It was the beast, Gohama, not you."_

_And so they fought._

_Hansuke tried to convince himself that he wasn't scared of her, tried to convince her, but she wouldn't fall for it. Even Gohama was terrified, of Hansuke's own fear, of hurting him again. Of herself, she was so fucking terrified of herself. _

_The guilt was too tearing and the fear… It had taken every last bit of courage within her to not leave before Hansuke woke up._

"_Don't leave, Gohama, please…"_

"_I can't…" whispered in a broken voice and she disappeared in a swirl of snowflakes._

He had asked her to stay and she had left him. Of course, he resented her.

Gohama turned to Gai with an upbeat voice. "How about a spar?"

* * *

A bird chirped on her windowsill and Gohama felt the tension in her stomach ease. Four idle days in Konoha was more than she could handle. Tsunade had been surprisingly compliant with her method of burying herself in missions. It started with her rotating over different teams combined for each mission, but now she was mostly doing solo ones, usually A-rank, sometimes S when there weren't better suited ninja available.

Putting her team leader on a hospital bed hadn't soured her relations with the higher ranks. Tsunade had probably kept it quiet, as had Hansuke. Gohama had given her commanding officer a chakra wound to the chest and a heavy concussion and had suffered no repercussion. Tsunade had said night terrors were common in shinobi and only if the victim decided to press charges, which they both knew Hansuke wouldn't, could the Hokage do anything about it. The relief and gratitude that she should have felt never came.

Tsunade had recommended her therapy sessions and Gohama refused to go. She knew why she had her nightmares and chakra busts, she knew how fucked up she was and why, there was no need to have another person tell her what she already knew so painfully.

"How are you doing, brat?" Tsunade asked as she stood before her.

"Good. My shoulder isn't giving me any trouble." The bastard that had pulled her arm until it popped out of its socket was now suffering somewhere at the cruel and precise hands of Ibiki.

Tsunade nodded. "Anything else giving you any trouble?" Gohama narrowed her eyes at the obvious meaning of the question. "That doctor I recommended to you is a specia—"

Before she could finish, the blessed office door opened behind Gohama. She could feel the familiar chakra, fresh and lively wind nature against her back, along with the sound of metal clicking against teeth.

"So you're going to be my partner, my darling Kyura." Genma said as he draped his arm around her shoulders. "That could be very fun…" he let the words fall seductively from his tongue.

Tsunade groaned from behind her hands. "Shiranui, can you please stop harassing my kunoichi!" she threatened from clenched teeth.

That had helped him stop the senseless flirting, and sober up. With a strained cough, he took his arm from around Gohama and stood straight. "You called, Tsunade-sama."

Gohama rolled her head slightly to gauge him from the corner of her eye with an amused smirk. At least, there was a woman somewhere that could put Genma in his rightful, quieted place. He had probably suffered from Tsunade's fists of rage a few times. He was absolutely the type to step over the frail line set by the Hokage and as one of the Hokage's bodyguards that was sure to happen many times. Then there were probably real HR troubles with his typical handling of women. Tsunade would never let that slide forgotten.

"Remember that solo mission you were sent out for? It's no longer solo. You'll take Kyura with you and she's going to be your sensor. I expect you to brief her on the mission yourself. The pay will be split between the two of you."

"That's shitty." Genma grumbled.

"Well, I don't care, Shiranui. Now, leave my office and don't die."

The door closed behind them and Genma turned into his typical self. "So, want to discuss our mission over a glass of wine? My apartment?" He asked with a wink.

"Just meet me tomorrow at 6am by the gates and brief me on the way to the Land of Rivers."

* * *

Gohama left the bathroom in a nagajuban to find Genma sprawled over one of the room's beds in only his underwear. She shook her head in disappointment and nudged his leg with her foot. Only a muffled groan came out of the sleeping man.

"Wake up, princess." She whispered at his ear while pulling it "We have a mission to complete."

He let out a grunt of pain and swatted her hand away. He then turned on his back and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. He gave her a sleepy smirk and stretched out on the bed, careful to flex his muscles while doing so. She made the roll of her eyes at his obvious flaunt very clear.

"Just go put on your clothes." She exhaled "There's nothing there I haven't seen already."

Genma was an attractive man with a perfectly sculpted shinobi body. If they weren't supposed to get ready for a serious mission, she might have appreciated the view more thoroughly. But now her mind was on the assassination of River Daimyo's brother. And the truth was that, as a kunoichi, defined, firm male bodies was mundane.

"You can touch it, though."

"And punch it too." She replied with a threatening tilt to her tone.

He pulled himself off the bed and shook his head in dismay. "You're no fun, Kyura."

Gohama dressed the rest of her lilac kimono and waited for Genma to hurry up.

At the entrance of the Daimyo's palace were two shinobi asking for the invites and searching the guests. The mission had been a request from the Daimyo himself in an attempt to stop his brother's faction from rising in influence and overthrowing him, so the permission to enter had been offered. Genma was posing as a rich benefactor of the Daimyo's and Gohama his company for the evening.

However, Rivers had given little help besides that. Their most important demand was that the assassination was not to be linked back to the Daimyo, which meant his men would do anything necessary to find and punish the assassins if caught.

Then, there were the probing hands of the guards, but Gohama's abilities had helped them immensely. They had nothing on themselves, not even Genma's senbon. The shinobi was usually chosen for public assassination due to his mastery of the silent needle kill. The weapon, although small, could still be felt when searched, so the two had chosen not to risk bringing them. Once inside Gohama would use her summoning power to provide for them.

Genma had even trained with her supplied senbon on their way to the Land of Rivers. He had praised their precision at cutting through the air even with wind and landing on the aimed target. Gohama had replied with a cocky smile, inwardly beaming with pride, and a simply "They're from Bukigakure". With that, Genma had wrapped an arm around her shoulders and commented on his birthdate.

Once the searching was finished, Genma extended his bent arm for her to take and she wrapped her own around his. They walked alongside the other guests towards the main entertainment room. Most people were dressed in luxurious traditional garbs, others had chosen western clothes, the women had elaborate hairdos adorned with jewellery. Gohama watched her lavish surrounding full of expensive food, pretty geiko and fake laughs and remembered all those diplomacy events she had been forced to attend as a the daughter of the Yukikage and Kyura heiress. A cute little doll meant to be shown around at the beginning of the evening and then sent home to sleep, as cute little children did. She hadn't missed them.

They passed through the opened doors, with beautiful depictions of a lake's wildlife, onto a wide room full of people. The sad and pulsating sound of a shamisen and koto drowned over the animated chatter of people.

Right away Genma leaned against her ear and pointed with his head "There's our target." Gohama glanced across the room to the young man surrounded by a group of people apparently immersed in whatever he was saying.

A maiko passed by and offered them sake cups. They immediately accepted and gave a little sip. Thankfully, it wasn't a strong one. In order to blend in they would have to drink, or at least pretend to. It was a good thing both of them had a high tolerance to alcohol.

Beside her Genma moaned in delight. It was a damn good sake. "To be rich and careless…" he sighed wistfully, with a swing of his cup of sake.

Catching a tray full of colourful sushi with his eye, he promptly snatched a piece. Another moan of delight. "Shit, you have to try the sushi, my darling Misa-chan." He said and forced a piece of sashimi with his chopsticks through her lips. Gohama shot him a glare and he chuckled while flicking her chin with his finger. "You didn't mind me shoving big things down your throat last night."

Gohama forced herself not to choke and punch his face through the wall at his lecherous comment. Instead, she slapped his shoulder coyly and let out a little indignant giggle. "How improper, Kuro-san." Genma was definitely going to enjoy what he could from the mission.

With that little initial play, they mingled with the other guests. Genma was playing his normal smooth and flirting self, while Gohama was going for the young compliant rich man's toy. If she had had to mingle alone, she would have been doomed. Luckily, Genma was, despite his lewd intense self, a very charming person. He could enter any circle of people and quickly gain their attention and approval.

After only an hour of moving around, most people there already knew of Kuro-san's wild stories and romantic escapades. They knew Misa-chan, the lovely young lady accompanying him, was no more than a piece of jewellery meant for show casing and playing around.

That was the shinobi's tactic, to completely immerse themselves within the guests at plain sight, then find a moment where Genma could stab their target. Gohama, as a sensor, would warn him about the guards neighbouring over them.

The problem was that the event was much better guarded than what they had expected from the Daimyo's notes. Besides the dozens of shinobi surrounding the property, there was another dozen protecting the rooms where the soiree was taking place and worst of all a jonin level bodyguard looming over their target. After the kill, they were to make a run for the Land of Wind to take the trackers off Konoha's sent. The S-rank came from the risk. Assassination would be the easy part, the hard was escaping alive.

After a couple of hours, most guests were already tipsy or drunk, including their target. Unexpectedly, while Genma was telling one of his theatrical stories and Gohama clung to one of his arms in feigned adoration, the Daimyo's brother approached them on his own volition. He had asked another one of the guests to introduce him and the woman accompanying him to them.

Genma and their target exchanged the usual pleasantries and her partner was ready to charm him with one of his concocted stories when the man turned to Gohama. "What of you, Misa-chan?" he asked with a polite smile.

"Oh…" she looked up at him with shy surprise. "I'm just a girl from northern Fire lucky to have met our lovely Kuro-san" she said while squeezing Genma's arm and glancing up at him, but her eyes quickly turned to look around the room in awe "and see this beautiful palace and people for myself. You have a gorgeous palace, Taro-sama." Then she focussed back on their target "It is really nothing of interest, Taro-sama."

"I very much doubt that." He said with another smile. "Now that you expressed your regard for our palace, I have to offer you a tour of the rooms and gardens, Misa-chan."

"Oh no, I wouldn't want to impose myself on you and take you away from your guests, Taro-sama."

"You wouldn't impose at all. If you wouldn't mind, Misa-chan, I just have to finish some typical talk with a few guests and then it would be a pleasure."

He waited for her answer and Gohama turned her head up to Genma. "Can I, Kuro-san?"

"Of course, my darling Misa." He replied with a light, condescending poke on her nose.

"Good, if you'll excuse me now…" Their target bowed and left them along with his woman and bodyguard.

As soon as their target disappeared in the crowd, Genma grasped her hand and pulled her behind him. He found a secure somewhat hidden spot where they could talk. Pretending to be two lovers enjoying each other's touches and sweet words, he pressed her against the wall and leaned towards her.

"This turned out great. Of course, he's interested in you. Thank the gods, you're hot." The words didn't annoy her as was expected. "Now, we have a new better plan." Her gaze focussed on the neckline of his kimono, the fine lines intertwining with each other. "He'll take you on that little trip around the palace and I'll follow you and kill him when I find a safe opening."

"What if you can't follow us with all the guards around?"

He huffed with a little hurt. "Come on, Gohama, do you really think so little of my stealth?"

"What if the bodyguard also comes with us?"

"That one's easy. Just take him into a room. That's what he really wants with the tour."

She closed her eyes and breathed in carefully. "This wasn't supposed to be a seduction mission."

Gohama felt him stop for a moment and look down at her. He gently cupped her jaw with his hand and coaxed her head to tilt up towards his. "You won't have to sleep with him, sweetheart. I'll kill him before he even touches you, okay?"

She took in the confidence and steadiness of his deep brown eyes. She had never gone on a mission with him before, she didn't know if she could trust him. And she didn't. Genma wasn't her teammate. Gohama trusted no shinobi but her teammates, the only person beside them she had was Kakashi, and that had been a clear mistake.

"I don't think I can…"

He studied her carefully and she knew she wasn't masking the dread behind her eyes. "Are you a virgin?"

"I'm not, but at the moment I don't have the skills for that type of mission and I don't know how I'll react."

"Right after you get him alone in a room I'll be there, okay? Don't worry, you won't have to do anything." Because he saw she still wasn't convinced he continued "This is an S-rank, Gohama, and this is by far the safest, a damn god-send, plan. I know you can do it. You're a Kyura, you're the most badass kunoichi in Konoha."

No matter how much every cell in her body was telling her to run away, Gohama knew she couldn't. "Only kunoichi? Not shinobi?" she said with crossed arms and a quirked eyebrow.

"That's because I'm obviously the most badass shinobi." He said with his familiar smirk "And that's why, with you and me, this mission will be like a fucking D-rank."

* * *

The target closed the door behind him with a lustful smirk. His piercing gaze running the length of her body. Gohama felt her heart speed up against her chest and her hands dampened and trembled. She took insecure small backward steps until her thighs pressed against the edge of the bed. The target must have taken that as an invitation because he started moving towards her, his pace as slow as hers, slick and confident.

He settled his hands on her waist and turned her around. A lump formed inside her throat and she couldn't breathe. He was touching her now and she hated it. Where the fuck was Genma?

The target tugged at her obi and loosened it, uncoiling her waist and letting the sash fall to the floor. Then his hands slid up and slipped her lilac kimono from her shoulders. He let his lips press against the new strip of skin unveiled. Gohama couldn't stop the horrified shudder that ran down her spine. She couldn't stop any of the physical reactions that were starting to engulf her.

The fabric of her kimono ruffled as it fell onto the floor at her feet. The target turned her back around and pushed her to lay down on the bed. She did as he made her do, Gohama had no power over her own movements, her body had left her to do nothing but stay stiff and endure. She was powerless and she hated it, she hated everything about this.

He hovered over her and let his gaze soak in the image of Gohama in her thin and white nagajuban. When his dark, burning eyes met hers, he smiled a little, but it looked wrong with the lust behind them. "You don't have to be nervous, Misa-chan. I'll make this pleasurable for the both of us."

He slid his hand inside her clothes to grip her naked waist and dipped his head to kiss along her collarbone. Gohama clenched her eyes shut and her jaw. She tried to will herself to breathe, but the air kept getting stuck at the lump in her throat. She inhaled deeply and froze.

She was sure she had smelled it. Gods no, she couldn't have smelled it. Dazai's cologne. The air of the room was imbibed in it and now her lungs were too. How hadn't she noticed it before? She couldn't breathe, she truly couldn't breathe. The target lips followed the path of her jaw and were almost at her lips, but she managed to tilt her head away.

"You can relax. I already told you I can make this good for you too." His voice was dripping in impatience now. Gohama didn't care about what he was saying all she wanted was his disgusting, painful hands off her.

He opened the sash of her nagajuban and the panic that was convoluting in her guts rushed into her veins, into every inch of her body. She started shaking and panting as his fingers brushed her inner thigh.

"Stop. Stop. Stop." She let the words flash out of her tongue. Even her voice was trembling and weak. The mission was out of her mind. All she could grasp was the dread in her blood and the cologne drowning her.

"You were the one that invited me to the room." The roaring at her ears muffled his words. "Just relax."

His hand didn't stop and his mouth continued their moist path on her chest. And she couldn't do anything more than lay there as he was ready to fuck her. The smell of Dazai's cologne burning her throat, the roughness of his shinobi fingers, the violence of his mouth and hands. He was there on top of her again and behind her eyelids. And she couldn't fucking move like the fucking kunoichi she was.

Then Dazai's rough fingers were reaching her panties. Gohama didn't try to stop the dry and trembling sob that left her throat. This time it wasn't one of her nightmares. This time it was real, terrifyingly real. He was going to fuck her again.

His body fell against her, limp and still. Gohama just stared at the wooden ceiling as dry sobs racked her body. A shadow moved above her and the weight that was pressing against her disappeared.

"It's done. Now let's get our asses to Wind Country." The shadow filled her vision and she could see two brown eyes looking back at her. "You did a good job, now we really need to go." He held her arm and pulled, but she flinched away.

"Don't touch me."

He held her jaw instead and turned her face towards him. "Remember the mission and the dozens of guards out there? We need to get the fuck out of here now."

The panic was back at full force and she couldn't move again, only tremble. "Don't touch me, please don't touch me."

He took his hands away from her, but continued to hover above her. "Gohama, darling, it's me Genma."

It was Genma, she could see the senbon hanging from his lips and his messy brown hair and brown eyes, full of concern now, not playfulness. Without letting his eyes stray from her own, he gently covered her again and tied back the sash of her nagajuban. "We're on a mis—"

His voice was cut off by a knock on the door. "Taro-sama is everything all right in there?"

Genma cursed under his breath. "Gohama, please, we need to go. Now."

What was wrong with her? She was acting like a genin, worse, like an academy student. With every last bit of her will, she forced her erratic breathing to calm itself and her arms and legs to stop shuddering. Then, she moved her hand up to Genma and he promptly held it and pulled her up. He didn't let go of it, instead using his warm hold to guide her clumsy steps to follow him. He wrapped his arm around her waist, which didn't help with the shivers still shaking her body, even if she knew he wouldn't hurt her that way. He secured her to his side and jumped out of the window.

As stealthy and fast as they could, they left the estate without being caught. Once out of the palace walls the block of ice on her stomach loosen and her heart and breathing eased. Genma would throw her some words of encouragement and soon they were running through the forest. The lightness spreading through her still awkward legs sunk when they heard the shrill alarm coming from behind them.

"Fuck." Both of them hissed.

Adrenaline pumped through her heart and veins and drove her to move faster and more deftly. Her chakra, which had seemed dormant before, was fluttering inside her pathways and all around her body. Finally, she was the kunoichi she had been trained, raised, shaped for. Gohama felt ashamed of her failure from before, but she would prove her prowess now.

"How many, Gohama?"

"They're too far away for me to sense them while moving."

"Can you do it from my back?"

She nodded and jumped onto him. Concentrating on spreading her awareness farther, Gohama held on tighter to Genma. The overload of information rushed into her head, making her dizzy, but she pushed forward. Then they entered her senses. Eighteen of them, three jonin, eight chunin and seven genin. She passed the information to Genma.

"We can fight them. Hmm, what do you say, Kyura?"

They could keep running, but the tracking shinobi would reach them once they stopped and there was no chance of making it to Konoha without stopping. There was a possibility they could evade them, but not a big one. The best option was to risk it and fight them now, while their chakra was almost at maximum level, since they would end up confronting them eventually.

"Only if I can use my bloodline limit."

"It's just chakra. They won't recognise it." He halted on a branch and put her down "I guess it settles it then. Do we have time for some welcoming traps?" Gohama nodded. Genma sighed long and deeply. "This should be fun."

"Just like a D-rank, right, Shiranui?"

* * *

Genma was down. Gohama was on the other side of their handmade clearing. They had used exploding tags as a trap and an arena maker. It was easier to fight when outnumbered on a clearer ground. There were three enemy left, one jonin, two chunin. Gohama was fighting the jonin and the other two chunin were taking advantage of Genma's unguarded state to kill him.

She pushed a wide field of chakra from her hand to surround her partner. The glowing blue energy stopped the blade of the chunin just in time. It was hard to concentrate on maintaining a field while fighting, but she had to make do. Gohama wouldn't let Genma die when they were in this mess because of her.

She used her chakra covered tachi to break through the enemy's weapons. He was quick and could evade every gust of chakra she threw his way, but he was also getting tired and sloppy. He knew he wouldn't win against her, Gohama was sure he was stalling them, waiting for reinforcements or, at least, for another tracker team to get closer. A battle as this wouldn't go unnoticed.

Tired of playing cat and mouse, she ran towards the other two. They wouldn't be able to evade the swish of her blade. As she was fighting them, a kunai pierced into her shoulder and she let out a grunt of pain, still Gohama thrust her sword into one's stomach. The smell of burnt flesh mixed with the one of blood. The jonin reached their fight.

Gohama had already wasted too much chakra on kage bushin before and still had to save for their journey back to Konoha. She needed to kill the chunin fast and fight the jonin alone, while sustaining the dome of chakra protecting Genma.

After a few blocks and blows, the chunin let a crack in his defence show and she swung for the final hit, quickly followed by another towards a distracted jonin. She slid her tachi out of the dead enemy's stomach and took a few seconds to catch her breath.

The shield around Genma vanished and she kneeled beside him, two glowing green hands on the wound of his stomach, oozing blood.

"Told you… we could fight them… darling." he said with his typical, even if weak, smirk between pants.

"Like a D-rank." She assessed his damage. They were a day and a half away from Konoha and three from Suna. She didn't even think of following the mission's instructions. The trackers could follow them to the gates of the Leaf, for all she cared about. If they went to Suna, Genma would die of blood loss halfway through.

"Kunai…" he started with a feeble pointing finger "sticking out of your shoulder…"

Gohama dismissed him with a wave. "I'll take it out later." She continued to prep him for their long run back to the Leaf, trying to prevent blood loss and the wound from infecting. When he was all wrapped up, she carefully raised him to settle against her back. "Buckle up, princess." She teased over her shoulder.

"My male… pride is very hurt… right now. But also… very aroused."

Gohama chuckled and shook her head. Even critically wounded and in deep pain, Genma was still Genma. Then, she started running.

After half a day in a ruthless pace, the aftereffects of the weaker soldier pills Gohama had been taking were screaming at her. Since her fatal sleeping chakra burst, she hadn't allowed herself to go into REM. She slept an hour five times a day and took partial soldier pills when her mental and physical abilities declined too much.

It was dangerously unhealthy and she could feel its toll on her muscles and mind, but Gohama couldn't risk hurting anyone or destroying her surroundings or having someone find out. Seiryu's power was rising to the surface. Her more violent nightmares only worsened the leaks of chakra.

Her muscles were hurting and stiff, her head was pounding and foggy, her shoulder and forearm were killing her and her rhythm was decreasing. The last time she had taken a soldier pill had been before going to the Daimyo's palace. That had been too few hours ago. If she risked taking one now, she could also risk an overdose.

She touched Genma's forehead and glanced over her shoulder. His skin was greyish and clammy. The blood had also soaked through her own clothes.

Gohama stopped on a higher branch and lowered Genma to lean against the trunk. Now that she was studying him through sunlight, he looked even worse. "Hi there, handsome." She said softly.

Genma slowly opened his eyes half way. "That… bad…" He tried to smirk at her but failed.

"I'm going to clean your wound again and replace your bandages, okay?" He nodded almost imperceptibly.

She began unwrapping the bandages around his torso. She thanked the supplies of the enemy ninja they had looted. Taking a flask of clean water, she soaked a piece of gauze with it and gently cleaned the dried and fresh blood around the injury. He would let out tired grunts of pain. She covered the wound with a healing and antiseptic balm and bandaged it again. She tied the sash of his kimono loosely and smiled at him "All done. I'm giving you a blood increasing pill so open up."

He complied and she pushed the pill pass his lips, after he swallowed, she offered him water. Then, he gave her a true Genma smirk. "You can… feed me… any time." Gohama answered with an eye roll, but inwardly was glad he remained his flirty self. He brushed away a strand of hair stuck to her forehead and jaw with sweat, "You need to rest… and sleep."

"Don't worry, Genma. I'll just take a soldier pill and we'll be in Konoha in no time."

True to her words Gohama patted her knees and raised herself. Then, she looked through the enemy nin's medic pouch for a pill. Frowning slightly, she scrambled more thoroughly but found none. She risked a glance towards Genma and saw him looking up at her. Her mind screamed an entire epic of dirty, degradant curse words. There were no fucking soldier pills. Fuck. Why hadn't she fucking checked?

Genma was ready to talk so she pulled another pill from the pouch with a triumphant exclamation and pretended to swallow it. "Good to go."

She picked him up and settled him on her back. Even his weight was starting to take a toll on her. At least her chakra reserves were still at a fourth. They continued with their journey. Gohama would get him alive to Konoha. She had to.

* * *

Night's veil lowered over the forest trees and ground. The hoots of owls broke from the continuous chirping of crickets and cicadas. They were the natural sounds of a forest and they lulled Gohama to sleep with their safety.

"I'm usually the bigger spoon." Genma joked breathlessly, but after taking a painkiller his words came out easier. She was leaning against a tree trunk with him between her legs, his back settled against her chest. She wanted to make sure he wouldn't fall over and to help his body in keeping itself warm. They had stopped for a one-hour nap to rest, as Gohama had been panting and almost dangerously slipping while running.

She chuckled slightly. "Since when are you a spoon guy?"

"Depends on the girl…" he answered seriously but quickly changed his tone. "I'd definitely spoon you, my darling Kyura."

"Too bad, because I'm not a spoon girl." Before he could note on their position, she added, "Unless it's for safety reasons with physically impaired teammates."

"That's what you say now. You just haven't spooned with a nice, comforting spoon."

Gohama glanced up to the sky escaping between leaves. Maybe she had. Not that it mattered now. Her heart ached for Hansuke, especially now, as she sat on a lost branch in pain, Genma bleeding to death in her arms, because of her. People she cared about always seemed to bleed out because of her. She would forever be too ashamed of facing Hansuke again.

"Who is she, your nice comforting spoon?" Gohama asked.

His silence was confirmation that there was a woman and she already suspected who. Genma acted differently with only two women, Kurenai and Shizune. The first was because she belonged, even if not publically admitted, to Asuma, one of his closest friends. With the second there were too many glances, tension and awkward moments to not be a history between them. Genma didn't shamelessly flirt with her and they seemingly didn't get along, but it was clear they knew each other well. No matter how cliché it was, Gohama could also see it in his eyes.

"Why not settle for that one spoon?"

He sighed deeply and then groaned in pain. "I'm not the settling down type and that one spoon deserves better than a knife." He then chuckled dryly at his metaphor. "Fuck, I'm high." He patted her knee, "Now, Gohama, less feely girly sleepover talk and more actual sleeping. I'll keep watch."

Her eyelids closed almost in compliance and she instantly fell asleep despite her aching body, from her skin to the marrow of her bones.

Before she could truly rest, her eyes snapped open and adrenaline shot through her veins. In an instant, she was up again, a grunting Genma throwing whines to the night's disturbed air.

"Come on, princess," she said while pulling him onto her back "up we go."

She was speeding through the branches before Genma could even question. "What's happening?"

"They're 200 meters behind us. I can sense them." Even the adrenaline wasn't stopping her muscles from protesting "Fuck." She hissed under her breath.

The gap between the trackers and them wasn't diminishing. "Drop me." She ignored him. "I'm the team leader and I'm ordering you to drop me, Kyura."

"Shut the fuck up, Genma." She growled between pants.

"Like this, we're both dead. If you leave me you can make it to Konoha. We're not even sure I'll make it there before I bleed out. I'm ordering you to drop me."

If Gohama hadn't been using soldier pills she wouldn't be suffering from the aftereffects, she would have made the journey faster and effortlessly. If Gohama hadn't freaked out with their target, if Gohama hadn't panicked around Genma, the guard wouldn't have suspected anything. They would have made it in time to leave a too great a distance for the trackers, they wouldn't have had to fight the enemy, Genma wouldn't be half-dead behind her back.

If she wasn't so fucking weak, she wouldn't have failed. But she did fail and now she would run even with severed legs. She could not let Genma die because of her. No one would ever again die because of her.

"Your judgement is impaired from blood loss. I won't follow your order, I know I can get us both to Konoha alive."

"Gohama, I know you didn't take a soldier pill. You can't make it with me on your back."

His frail grasp of her neck loosen and she felt him pull away from her back. She used her chakra to keep him glued to her. "Don't you dare, Shiranui! Don't you fucking dare!"

Summoning kunai with exploding tags attached, Gohama threw them to strategic, even if rushed and sloppy, points of the forest while still running. It wouldn't stop all the five shinobi, but it would help her gain leverage. As she felt them nearing the sight, she blew up the tags. The sound and shock wave of the explosion reached them, unbalancing Gohama. Three chakra signatures left.

Chakra flowed through her pathways towards her feet. With every inch of mind power, she willed herself to endure the stabbing pain every time she pushed herself from a branch into a wide jump and landed on another one. She was sure Genma was suffering from the violent rocking and crashes against her back, but he didn't show it. Gohama wasn't worried with covering their tracks.

The distance was large enough that she could no longer sense the enemies' chakra and there was a river that streamed towards Konoha somewhere.

When she found it, Gohama didn't waste time in jumping onto it and running on top of its surface. All her being thanked the winters she had spent walking over snow, it made walking above water almost effortless. After she didn't know how long, she left the river and continued through the branches.

They were half a day from Konoha. Genma was silent. If she didn't continuously feel, although weak, his flow of chakra, she would have thought he was dead.

He probably understood. He had been in the committee, over a year ago, on her Jonin Exam Pre-admission. He had hear Kakashi accusing her of being too scared of the guilt over someone's death to lead a team. And the Copy-nin, as always, had been right. Genma knew the guilt that would drown her, probably even knew of the one already pushing her forward. At least, this once, the guilt was stimulating her lifeless muscles. And the fear. Fear, so much fear, she was like a wild animal running away from fire.

So, she kept running and running, fighting against the clock of life, the seconds fleeing through the trees as she raced to beat them. Just this once, at least, let her beat death just this once.

And that was all her mind could grasp, her spirit focussed only on the next branch. There was no path, no kilometres to count, no minutes or hours. Just the next branch, and the next and the next. The tiredness and pain wouldn't drag her down. There was always the will for one more push, one more endured step, one more branch.

Until there were no more branches, just a wide dirt path leading to two green gates. All the fear gripping her heart was replaced by exhaustion. But she couldn't stop now. Not when the tiny blurred green gates were right in front of her and the frail stream of chakra still seeped into the skin of her back.

Even when she passed the threshold, Gohama kept taking the steps. There were muffled sounds around her, but she could only see the path to the hospital. Something forced her to stop, and, no matter how much she fought to keep moving, her will was not enough and she was stuck.

The unbearable weight left her back, but she still couldn't move. Then the chakra faded from the skin of her back. Panic clashed against the walls of her stomach and her hands were trembling for an entire different reason other than depletion. Something slapped her cheek lightly and her ears were finally focussing on the sounds. Her eyes recognised the dark eyes and bandaged nose in front of her. Kotetsu.

"It's okay, Gohama, we can take him from here."

Konoha. She was back in Konoha and Genma was already being taken to the hospital. With that, all the made up energy in her legs gave out and she fell, only for too strong arms to catch her.

"Easy there. You should also come to the hospital." Kotetsu lowered himself to pick her up but she straightened her legs and stood by herself.

"It's okay. I don't need to, I'm just tired."

Still, he didn't let her continue on her new path. "You're more than tired, Gohama, you need to be seen by a medic."

"I'll ask my teammate."

And, even with trembling, unsteady steps, she continued her path. Hansuke. Gohama needed Hansuke.

* * *

_If you're in need of __psychological support and help__, please seek it with a professional, especially in these trying times. Gohama's words about therapy are a product of her ignorance, pride and ninja up bringing. _

_As always, stay safe and thanks for reading!_


	34. IV - Chapter 4

Part IV | Chapter 4

* * *

The steady warmth of his chakra washed softly over her skin. Her heart crushed at the comforting feel of it. She could sense nothing but him, so strong as he neared her, engulfed her in his essence. Gohama held on tightly to her bent knees against her chest. How long at it been since she had felt something so burning?

Hansuke hummed a cheery tune absently in his room, it seeped from under the bathroom door. Regret weighted as cold and heavy as lead at the light humming she hadn't her in so long. Before she could act on it, the sound of straining hinges filled the tiled walls and she didn't dare look up at him.

His chakra wavered as his voice did. "G-Gohama…" he called in urgency.

"It's not mine." She whispered. Her now red nagajuban against the porcelain of the bathtub would be a startling sight for anyone. "It's Genma's. I don't— He… He could be dead by now. He could die later, I don't know…"

"He's in Konoha now. He'll be alright." A ragged breath left her throat at his voice, his tone, so calm and warm, so Hansuke. He kneeled beside the bathtub. "You're shaking, Gohama."

She looked up from the hole between her arms and stared at her trembling hands. Her members stung too much for her to move them and yet they trembled with an impetuous she couldn't control. "It's from withdrawal." She commented quietly.

"Gohama…" She could hear the panic rising from his voice. Hansuke went right towards the worst scenario. Did she look that bad? She certainly did.

"Soldier pills." She corrected his assumption, her eyes never straying from the rebellious hands she had mastered since a child. Once allies in her kunoichi life now were nothing but frail useless hands. They mocked her with their shakes, even clenching them closed didn't stop them and it hurt too much. Her own body revolted against herself.

Why wasn't he demanding she explained herself? Why wasn't he kicking her out? Why was his voice as soft as before? No resentment in it?

"Are you in pain?"

"Yes."

He moved to stand up. "I'll get you some painkillers."

"No…" What she wanted to me a firm demand came only as a whisper. "Don't leave, please."

Hansuke shook his head with a sad smile. "The amount of times I've wanted those words from you… If I had known what it meant for you to ask… I wo—"

Gohama turned her palm upwards as a sign. Even through the gentleness of his fingers as they glided over her skin and his careful, almost inexistent hold, Gohama could feel his eagerness of finally being allowed to be there. And how she had managed to ran from his safe and warm presence, Gohama couldn't understand. Hansuke had always had to walk on eggshells around her, his touch oozed that.

"I'm sorry." She didn't even know what she was apologising for. She had fucked up so many things. Almost killing him was a good one, being a coward another one, but being herself seemed the more encompassing one.

"It's okay. We're here now."

She wrapped her shaking fingers around his and he answered by bringing both her hands inside his large ones. But the tremors were still there and they twirled over her arms onto her back and legs, overwhelming the burning of Hansuke's touch. It could never lighten that crippling loneliness nested deep inside her. She didn't want it to be crippling.

Gohama just wanted to be light again in her heart. As she remembered being so long ago. She had been happy, hadn't she? But it was so far away she couldn't even know what it tasted like. What was it like not to have half of herself gone? She couldn't remember, but she wanted it. For Hansuke, and for Nikato and Kisamaru.

She was exhausted and filthy from the fine airs in her arms to the marrow of her bones.

Her eyes finally lifted to his hazel ones "Can you help me bathe?"

"Of course." So soft, so affectionate, his voice and his smile made a lump press against her throat.

Hansuke started by turning the knobs, his long and calloused fingers from a shinobi life under the stream of water. When he felt the temperature was good, he formed a cup with his hands and they filled with water. Most of it fell as he brought it to her arm so she could feel it. "Warmer please." She asked and he did the same thing.

Gohama watched his gestures carefully, her distant attention never fading, even if she knew there was actually little interest in them. But somehow the care in such simple gestures were enough to calm her and she drank them in like a thirsty woman.

At the second attempt, the water was still not comfortably warm. Gohama nodded, not wanting to be an even heavier burden. She knew Hansuke wouldn't mind it, but the insignificant sacrifice felt more meaningful than it was. He gave her a long look and turned the knob to warmer. Of course he would see through her. Only satisfied with the temperature did he start undressing her.

His steady movements halted as he watched her. Was he afraid of touching her? Didn't he want to touch her? He had seen her naked before. He had touched her naked skin. There was no need for hesitance or modesty.

"Can I undress you?" his tone was the shiest he had used with her. She hated it.

Gohama had pushed them both to the starting line of their relationship, maybe even farther way.

"A bath wouldn't be very effective if you didn't." she hoped the light tone would help them.

"I suppose not." He said with a smile.

Hansuke started with the sash of the nagajuban, always too careful, too hesitant. His fingers never once brushed over her skin if they could help it. Never once did they linger. There was care in his eyes, but his gestures were methodical, measured, cold.

When Hansuke moved to the collar, his fingers curled around the fabric and Gohama couldn't stop the flinch at the touch, so different and yet the same as the target of her mission. He pulled his hand out as if burned.

"I'm sorry, Hansuke. I didn't mean it."

"It's okay." He said with another smile, but she could see the rejection behind it.

Gohama had fucked it up again. "It's just the mission, I didn't mean it." She almost pleaded "Please, you can—"

"It's okay, Gohama. I understand it." But he didn't understand.

He continued undressing her. Gohama watched his focussed expression, focussing on not touching her as he slid the fabric from her shoulders and arms, focussing on not looking at her more than he had to. He left her underwear on.

First, her legs. The hot water, almost burning as Gohama now liked, rippled through her skin, only the dirt rinsed off easily, flowing down her flesh onto the white porcelain of the tub down the drain, a muddy brown mixture. Filth. If only the water also washed away the one stuck under her skin.

Genma's blood was already dry and glued to her legs. With soap, the soap that smelled as Hansuke did, he brushed gently the stains on her legs. Gentle swipe by gentle swipe of his warm, rough hands the blood was washed away into another murky mixture.

Hansuke hooked his hand under her knee and slowly bent her leg. His touch reminded her of the far away night were he had held her there too. But it was different then. There had been passion, so much passion and love. At least, the care still seeped through his fingers. And intimacy. Even if he tried to hide under his methodical movements, the act of bathing someone was always intimate. Gohama relished on it as a starved woman.

If Gohama had thought his touch was soothing as he cleaned her legs, it never compared to the tender brushes over her back. Hansuke was faltering in his measured gestures, or maybe it was just the hot water over her tired muscles from carrying Genma. They were healing quickly with the help of Seiryu's chakra. Her entire body still ached, but with a long deep sigh the built-up tension eased away.

Hansuke helped her lean against the cold porcelain of the tub and goose bumps burst from her skin. He started on her arms and flowed up onto her shoulders. This time she watched his face instead of his hands. His hazel eyes, hidden behind full lashes, followed his touch over her stomach. The chakra that streamed in his hands reacted with her chakra core. It was too small for him to feel it. Gohama savoured the comfort, the familiarity of his energy. It flowed under her flesh and her own energy welcomed it, mingled with it.

A wave of affection and longing crashed through her from every inch of skin his hands touched. Her chest both crushed and swelled and the lump caught in her throat didn't let her breathe. Whatever it was that wanted to burst out of her Gohama couldn't hold it down much longer.

Hansuke pulled the showerhead up towards her head. The curtain of water excused her to clench her eyes shut and with that a shaky breath left her lips. Even so, the lump was still there, ready to spill out of her. Gohama fixed on the massages of Hansuke's fingertips on her scalp. Until they disappeared and then there was only water.

"Gohama." The way he called her name. "Are you okay?"

"Yes." She breathed out, her eyes still clenched shut.

"Hey, look at me."

His warm and safe hand held her cheek. The first time he touched her other than too wash her. Gohama opened her eyes and met his worried loving ones. Whatever it was that was bursting through her skin finally spilled. Tears. So many tears she thought she would drown. Instead her breath left with them and the air she had been gasping for for months finally filled her lungs.

"Don't stop." She mumbled between sobs.

Hansuke continued to clean her long hair. He covered it with the conditioner he had bought for her so long ago and washed it out. He gently bathed her chest and back. With her permission, he took her underwear and let her clean herself.

Even if her body was washed he continued to glide the water and his hands over the skin of her shoulders, stomach and back. Maybe he was trying to comfort her, maybe he was waiting for her to stop crying.

"It's not going to stop." She explained and he smiled.

Carefully not to hurt her injured muscles, he picked Gohama up and wrapped a towel around her, drying her skin. Then he dressed her with his clothes, a sweatshirt and sweatpants. He hooked his arm under her knees and carried her to his bed.

How long had it been since she had lain in his sheets, engulfed by his scent, his chakra, his warmth? Too long. Gohama let him hold her tightly to his chest as he stroked her wet hair and she cried her eyes out against the crook of his neck. She clung with both her hands onto his shirt as if afraid of falling. There was nothing attractive about years of sobs, snot and tears spilling out of her onto his shoulder, but she had no space to feel self-conscious.

"There are so many things…" she whispered, her voice failing. "I don't think I can take all of them…"

Hansuke spread light kisses to her hair, forehead and temples. He whispered to the top of her head, "I can take them with you, Gohama."

Gohama cried until she had no more voice and no more tears. A weariness so different from her usual tiredness settled over her and then she fell asleep and she truly slept.

* * *

Already Gohama could sense Genma's lively chakra, still slightly feeble, as she walked up the stairs. Just the effort was making her legs hurt as they had never before from soreness. That section of the hospital was meant for recovering patients, so the pace of the medics and nurses was calmer and the noise quieter. She stood for a moment behind the white door, mentally preparing herself, and slid it open. Genma snapped his head towards her, a spoon dangling from his mouth.

His startled gaze softened, "You really shouldn't hide your chakra around your own comrades, you may end up dead, darling. And that would be a shame for every men in Konoha."

"Just Konoha?" She asked while closing the door and moving towards the bed nearest to the window.

"And the rest of the world of course." He added charmingly. Genma's easy compliments were always nice for her own feminine self-esteem.

Gohama took her hand from behind her back and tried to put a white carnation on his bedside table. But, even with his injury, Genma was fast and caught her wrist, prying the flower from her fingers.

"You brought me a flower?" he asked her with his typical smirk.

"That's what people do, isn't it?" she dismissed his teasing and sat down on the chair beside his bed. Her muscles were still aching too much for her to stand.

"Since when do you do what other people do?"

She sighed tiredly, settled her elbows on the edge of his bed, and rested her head on her hands. "I do a lot of things other people do. I eat, I shower, I sleep, I—"

"No, you don't." he disagreed with her last example, his tone unusually serious.

Gohama was not going there right now. She had just wanted to make sure Genma was okay for herself and make him some company. He couldn't go long intervals without human contact. "Just thank me for it and finish your Jell-O."

He was quiet for a moment, but quickly dipped his head with a grunt of pain to give her a peck on the cheek. "Thank you, Gohama. For the flower and for bringing me home alive."

Her forehead propped on her hands, she focussed her eyes on the threads of the duvet. "It was my fault." She whispered. "I froze. If I hadn't freak—"

His hand stroked the back of her head. "If's don't matter in our line of work. Both of us made it out alive, an S-rank mission, and we came back home. That's what matters."

He scooted onto the farthest side of the bed and patted his hand on the new open spot. Gohama looked up at him with an almost offended glare but he only answered with a wide smile. "I need someone to make fun at crazy ass shows with me." He shoot her puppy eyes that only made her roll her own. "Please, my darling Kyura."

With another roll, she settled next to him, her muscles all too glad with the comfortable bed. After a few seconds, her eyelids were too heavy to hold open and then she was asleep.

The alarming feel of the seal she had put on herself breaking made her jerk awake. It was good to know the trigger she had invented for any foreign chakra, but mostly meant for Seiryu's, was working. Once it detected any other chakra besides her own or others she wished for, it was meant to awake her and awake her it had done. But this was not Seiryu.

Even before becoming fully conscious, Gohama had her summoned tanto steady in her hand as she leaned the blade against a throat. Two strong arms wrapped around her waist and pulled her away and she finally looked up from her tanto to the eyes of her attacker. Two raging gold eyes. Gohama pulled her blade away from the Godaime's neck with an apologetic wince and settled back down on the bed, ready to flee at any moment. Genma's hold on her remained as intrusive as before and she had to slap his arms away.

"You're lucky you're not dead, brat." Tsunade hissed, but quickly shook her head and ire away "Kicks, yes, punches, a lot of them. But never a tanto to the jugular I have to say."

The Hokage moved her glowing green hands again towards Gohama, but she evaded them and tried to sit up. A painful grip on her shoulder, clearly chakra enhanced from the burning sensation it left on her skin, forced her to sit back on the bed.

"There's really no need to—"

"I'm the medic here and the Hokage. I'll be the one to judge if there's any need." Before Gohama could argue again, Tsunade's threatening gaze returned in full force "And before you say anything stupid, you should know that I'm already pissed off at you for never reporting back to me once you arrived. Very much pissed the fuck off."

Gohama's mouth promptly shut and she looked down at her hands. Between Hansuke and making sure Genma was okay, she had completely forgotten about the mandatory report. At the cool and invading sensation of Tsunade's chakra, she mentally prepared herself for the Hokage's fury. It started with a scowl that bunched her blond eyebrows. Then, the chakra pushed deeper into her body, branching through her finest pathways. Until it disappeared in an instant. A vein throbbed in Tsunade's forehead and her hands twitched at her sides.

That was her cue.

Gohama jumped away to the other side of the bed. A remote flew towards her head and she ducked it and watched it fly through the open window, far away from the hospital. Definitely a chakra enhanced throw that could have possibly killed her. Other objects continued to be thrown against her and she evaded every one of them. Tsunade accompanied her attacks with deafening furious shouts - even Genma had cowered under his bed covers – about Gohama's stupidity and other insults to her intelligence, an entire medical lecture on soldier pills and its dangerous aftereffects and a series of threats of bodily harm, limb chopping and decapitation.

"Now get your damn ass on a damn bed before I impale you with the damn curtain rod!" she moved to leave the room, her heavy stomps shaking the entire floor. Before she closed the door she pointed another glare and finger at Gohama "And if I hear from one of the nurses or medics you're anything but the sweet, obedient, ideal patient I will throw your ass back to Snow and unleash every hunter nin after you!"

The door snapped shut and the two of them just stared at it with horror, willing their hearts to calm back down. Genma's heartbeat monitor only mocking them more for it.

"We've survived." Genma exhaled with relief and it prompted Gohama to move away from the safe corner of the room. He patted on the open spot next to him with a smirk. "Hokage-sama never specified which bed."

Too exhausted to care, Gohama flopped down next to him. A nurse entered and threw them a displeased glance, but didn't tell her to move to another bed. She arranged her IV with practiced ease and speed, and left.

When Gohama was ready to fall back asleep, Genma murmured seriously beside her "Good thing there wasn't a soldier pill in the enemy's pouch."

Good thing, indeed. Overdose on soldier pills, what a pathetic way for a Kyura jinchuriki to die.

* * *

The softness of the afternoon's light seeped into Hansuke's living room. He had slid the glass doors open so the cool air would clear the house. The biting cold against her cheeks harmonized with the heat on her legs from the kotatsu. Each with a cup of tea, they enjoyed their quiet evening after she had been released from the hospital. The wind was buzzing over their conversation and the cheery voices of children reached them from the other backyards.

When they started talking about their two teammates, Gohama turned her eyes away to the unkempt lawn. Hansuke told her of their missions until then, of how they had been doing. A feeble, longer twig swayed back and forth every time the wind picked up, resting almost against the soil. Nikato was looking for a girl and Kisamaru had buried himself in some medical study with Shizune and the Hokage's apprentice. A grasshopper jumped onto the engawa and, displeased with the hardwood, soon disappeared again into the messy grass, his chakra too frail for her to sense it so far. Nikato was starting to master a few A-rank fire jutsu and Kisamaru had started using chakra scalpels as an attack technique. The leaves of the peach tree were rustling against each other and she could already see the buttons that would soon give place to flowers.

She continued to watch the backyard as Hansuke went quiet, with no more stories to share. The heavy silence said enough about what he had let out. It hang over them heavy against their shoulders, a weight she had put there herself.

"Do they hate me?" Gohama asked weakly, her face turned away from him as much as she could.

He placed his large hand over hers where it laid on the kotatsu. "Of course not."

"Did you lie to them about what happened?"

"No. I told them everything, except that it was a beast's chakra."

"Thank you." She said honestly, as she watched the steam fade from her cup of tea. She wanted them to know the truth, at least the one that would not compromise their team even more. "Are they scared of me?"

"Gohama, of course not. They understand it. Well… Nikato didn't understand why you had to disappear again, but Kisamaru did. At least he expected you to. But that doesn't matter, you're back now."

"I miss them…" she whispered mutely.

"I can invite them over for dinner." He saw the hesitance and trepidation in her eyes before she could avert them to the scenery of his backyard. Hansuke brought his hand to cup her cheek and turned her face back to his. "Gohama… they don't hate you and won't judge you. They just want you back."

"Tomorrow." He nodded and started moving his hand away, but she held it back against her face and pressed her lips to his palm. "Be patient with me."

"Of course." He answered while brushing his thumb through the arch of her cheek.

His gentle touch and tender voice spread like flames through her skin and she laid his hand back on the table. "I want to tell you something… something I learned on my first jonin mission." She saw his fingers twitch slightly as her gaze was focussed on them. "Before I killed him, the target told me about the… massacre." His chakra shuddered and she drew in a shaky breath to disperse the tightness that had filled her throat just from saying that word. "He was one of the missing-nin that slaughtered my Village, he was, they were paid by a criminal organization named Akatuski. They were after me, the jinchuriki. They wanted and still want Seiryu."

Gohama dared raise her eyes to meet his and her chest pinched at the dread that was filling his always steady hazel. She pulled her hands away from his and started moving to stand up. "I shouldn't have told you, shouldn't have put that on you."

His hand snapped up to grab her own. "No, Gohama, of course you should have and I'm glad you did. I'm glad you trusted me with it. It's just… it's just scary... because they're still out there, I know the name, Akatsuki, it's been around the ranks for some time. That means we have to be more careful, but also… I know you're blaming yourself, Gohama, and I wished I could push some sense into you, but I know you won't listen when I say it's not your fault, or to stop blaming yourself for something you had no power over. And it's always the same thing, because I'll always say this and you'll always fight me on it and I'll fight you back… and I don't want to fight now… So, please, Gohama, just sit down," he pulled her hand down and towards him and she followed. He then moved her to lay her head on his shoulder and wrap his arms around her. "for now, you'll just tell me whatever you want to tell me and I'll just listen."

And Gohama shared. It started as a hesitant and vague telling at first and soon she was spilling everything that needed to be spilt. She never went into detail on what Dazai had done, sure that it would do no good for Hansuke to know. What came to her as a torrent after a broken barrage was the massacre. His muscles tensed, hard and tight, around her and his heartbeat raced. Gohama wondered if she should stop, as she felt how uneasy he was, his chakra shouting it, but the words were falling and now she couldn't stop them.

So, she told him of the man in the white mask, the one that had killed Mother and Father; she told him of her leaving her brother Yukine behind; she told him of Kunimaru, her childhood friend, taking three kunai to the chest for her; of the desolation, destruction, the smell and the screams and all she could have done was run; she told him of how Yukine, Father's wolf summon, had carried her to Uncle's monastery and she had cried against his white fur the entire way, and how that had been the last time she had seen him. The last time she had seen anyone, never to know how they had died, if they had suffered or if had been offered a quick, merciful kill. Not merciful, nothing about the massacre had been merciful.

Gohama heard his effort not to cry and felt his damp cheek against her brow. Neither of them said anything for the rest of the afternoon. The same weariness as when she had cried herself to sleep emptied her from inside out. Her throat was sore and mouth dry from talking for so long, but she was too comfortable in Hansuke's arms, over the now steady beat of his heart.

His hand glided from her shoulder, through her neck, and she shivered, until it reached her cheek. He turned her to look at him. Only when the rough pad of his thumb cleared the tears from her cheeks did she realise she had cried too.

Sundown's golden light reflected against his damp lashes and the hazel of his eyes, a shade lighter, gleamed at her against the redness, clear and loving. The sight made her beat, empty heart tremble with its beauty. Her awed gaze lingered on it, frozen and light. He was so close she could feel the warmth of his breath against her own lips and they tingled. It had such a violent and forgotten effect on her, she let a small grasp leave her mouth. Her heart rushed frantically against her ribs and that ache for Hansuke she knew so well teared through her blood. For so long Gohama hadn't felt her body bursting with life like this, and it almost desperately pulled her defeated spirit with it.

Gohama threw herself deeper in his arms, gripping the fabric at the back of his shirt. She pressed her body to his and breathed in the scent of his throat, her lips hovering there. But it was not enough to quench the longing she was not ready for, not enough to free the liveliness that had taken over her. She needed more of him, but she knew she wouldn't be able to take it.

"Gohama…" her name came out between a question and a breathless sigh.

"Just hold me and be patient with me." She nuzzled her nose on his neck and let herself breathe in his presence. "Tell me whatever you want to, I want to listen too."

* * *

The familiar wave of two chakra signatures, one loud as wind and the other reserved as the cold blue of lightning, reached her and her hands jolted away from the table she was setting.

Hansuke, with a comforting smile, stroked her cheek with the back of fingers. "Time to finish dinner." He gave her a wooden spoon so she could stir the vegetables, safely guarded behind a task, as he checked the frying fish.

They could already hear Nikato's excited shouts as he spoke with Kisamaru. Their signatures were at the threshold of Hansuke's home, the outside door slid open with a dry bang, and Nikato's voice filled the house. Gohama stared at the vegetables as they took off their shoes in the genkan, her mind imagining every little detail of how she should stand, talk and react to any possible scenario the boys decided to follow. Should she continue her pretend cooking, her back to them as they entered? Or should she turn to face them before they reached the door? Should she go to them as before? Or wait until they decided their position towards her and follow their lead?

She was still undecided when the waves of chakra seeped into her back unhindered. Beside her, Hansuke's greeted as he always did, "Good evening, Nikato, Kisamaru, dinner is almost ready."

Then she turned, the wooden spoon held tightly against her chest. Nikato had an expecting gleam to his face, with a silly grin stuck to his cheeks. Kisamaru just stared back, with small twist to the corners of his lips, proper and straight.

Her mind went blank on whatever choice of actions she had thought was better to follow. Forcing herself to speak, Gohama let out a quick and choked. "Hi."

A path of scorching red rose from her neck up to her cheeks, as the disaster of her little, awkward, inappropriate greeting was left unanswered. Anything would have been better, from an apology, to a hug, to a Gai like celebration of friendship and youth. But "hi" had never been her greeting expression, it had sounded so fake in her mouth, as fake as their second, even third, try at friendship. Fake floated through them, clear and loud.

It was going so wrong and all she had done was speak a word, a syllable. Hansuke would be devastated, and the boys and she would pretend everything was back to normal for him. But it wasn't and it would never go ba—"

Her back hit the counter as a heavy force crashed against her front. She knew the energetic flow that engulfed her senses and the warm, too tight, weight of those arms around her. "Gohama!" he called as he lifted her and spun her around easily.

"Hey, Nikato." She whispered and let herself be hugged for as long as he would allow her to be.

He pulled back, his grin wide and almost painful, and she couldn't help but smile back. Her hand shot up to his trimmed ginger hair and she pushed back the strands that fell over his forehead. "You cut your mane."

"How's it look?"

"Very handsome. Your socks?"

"I matched them just for you, Go-chan."

"Thank you, Kato-chan." She put as much emotion as she could into her gratitude, in hopes he would understand.

Kisamaru was already next to them. He smiled more openly now, his pale lavender eyes sharp against hers, as his hands fidgeted in front of him. He had probably been as nervous about how to properly react as she had been. His arm reached out to her shoulder and he squeezed it. He couldn't mask the uncertainty in his show of affection and Gohama smiled at the unusual gesture that was still Kisamaru. Her hand squeezed back his own.

"We got you scotch! The good kind!" Nikato said as he displayed the bottle of amber alcohol and shoved it into her hands.

"And yes, I did inform him that your liver is recovering and—"

"And" Nikato interrupted "I told the idiot you could just drink it another time, when your liver is the beast we all know it to be." Not just her liver, she thought with amusement to herself.

Gohama chuckled and smiled again. "You didn't need to, you guys. Thank you." But soon the blush was back on her neck and face. She hadn't known they were going to exchange presents. "When Tsunade deems my liver suitable, then I'll pay you three a night at Ippon."

With the easiness of a senbon cutting through air, they were back to their old dinners and long nights that wavered between deep conversations and senseless talking that led nowhere. The boys ended up sleeping there too and the four of them laid on futon in the living room. Tomorrow they would start the day with team training and ask Tsunade for a four-person mission.


	35. IV - Chapter 5

Part IV | Chapter 5

* * *

Spring had bloomed in the overlooked, almost abandoned, training ground Gohama had chosen to make her own relaxing spot. Wild flowers and tall weeds covered the soil throughout the clearing, but thinned next to the stream where they were laying. Hansuke had his flak jacket serving as a pillow and Gohama had her head resting on his shoulder. He played with the ends of her nightly hair, as they fell midway through her back.

His arm was starting to get numb as it snaked around the weight of her neck. Still, he was enjoying her distant smoothing of the fabric over his stomach too much to move.

"Your arm's numb." She stated, he could feel her eyes narrowing, even if she was looking down at her own hand.

"You couldn't know that."

"But I do know it." She said smugly as she lifted her head and propped it on her fist instead. With a defying tilt to her eyes she neared his face. "I can feel your chakra flow, Suke, it weakens when people have a numb arm or leg."

"Ah, I'll remember not to underestimate your freaky Kyura sense next time."

She swatted him at his banter, her expression mirroring the playfulness in his. Until she turned serious. "Why didn't you say something?"

"It didn't bother me."

"Of course it did, Hansuke, everyone is bothered by a numb arm."

He was confused at why Gohama was troubled about something so insignificant. "Is this about a numb arm?"

"Will you just tell me next time?"

"Okay, Gohama, I will."

Her expression lightened and she smiled and Hansuke smiled back. Her gaze focussed on his mouth and she bit her lip. He didn't know if she had done it on purpose to entice him, Gohama had to know how that look went straight to his lower body. He brushed her hair over her shoulder, so it would fall through one side onto the grass next to his face. The pale column of her throat was exposed to him, and how he would love to run his lips and tongue through the soft skin, graze his teeth against her pulse and collarbone. He settled for a small and gentle caress from his fingers.

Gohama had pulled herself closer and hovered above him now. Her fingertips brushed a path from his chest, through his neck onto his face. They traced the skin of his cheek gently and her thumb brushed the stubble on his chin. Her green eyes were clear and warm, so warm he couldn't move and he let her do what she had set herself to do.

The smell of her, the feel of her, the warmth of her. Gohama was making his heart speed away from his chest and all she was doing was look at him and cradle his face. Could he even bear it if she kissed him? Hansuke had waited so long for it, the memories of their one night together always fresh in his skin.

Uncertainty flickered in her gaze and he was afraid she had finally caught up with her moves. Instead Gohama let the soft pad of her thumb brush his lower lip. A shiver ran down the length of him. He could already feel himself harden and his mind cloud with heat.

"Don't move." Her commanding breath tingled his warming cheeks.

His eyes moved from her moving lips to her eyes. Their starkness filled them as it hadn't done in so long and his heart fluttered. Hansuke didn't move. She slowly, painfully slowly, lowered herself to him, into him. And he would catch her and hold her and he would also fall into her.

Her lips brushed hesitantly against his and he focussed all of himself on not moving as Gohama had asked, not kissing her with all the passion bursting through his chest. The sweetness of it, so soft and quiet, and so unlike Gohama, was enough to make his stomach twist in giddiness and delight. He wanted more and still he followed her slow lead.

Soon, her tongue glided over the seam of his lips and he opened himself to her. The taste of her made a rumble rise from deep in his throat as his unruly hand gripped her hip more firmly, in return Gohama moaned. The hesitance had given place to eagerness and Hansuke's control was running away from himself.

Gohama lowered her soft and supple body onto his, her leg moving to straddle him. It brushed against his lap and the jolt of pleasure had almost sent him over the edge of his restraint.

"We should stop." He breathed out in between kisses.

Gohama held back a little and, with every last sense in him, he turned his lips to kiss her cheek instead and then her jaw. She pulled away and slid from him to lay on the grass. Hansuke turned to his side to look at her. Her lips were swollen and red, her eyes still clouded with craving, but also affection. And she smiled at him, Gohama was especially beautiful when she smiled. Her hand continued to cradle his face, while his fingers twirled lightly over her hip.

"You're always so patient with me, Hansuke." She said softly. "Thank you."

"Of course I am, my dear Gohama. I love you." Her eyes turned down and he cupped her cheek with his large hand. "You don't like it when I say it. Why…?"

"It's not that I don't like it, Hansuke… I just… It's not fair to you."

"Why wouldn't it be fair? I want to say it and I want you to accept it, accept me. Even if you can't give me all of you back. So, please, Gohama," he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear "don't turn away from me just because you think it isn't fair."

"I won't, if you promise to tell me when it stops being enough."

"Why wou—"

"Hansuke." She said sharply "I may not know a lot about this type of things, but I know it's not enough when one gives more than the other…"

Gohama sat up and pulled her knees against her chest, hiding her face away from him, towards the stream. The tips of his fingers traced the white wolf's crest embroidered into the back of her sage-green haori, as he pulled away some weeds that had caught there.

"What are we even doing, Hansuke…?" Why did she have to overthink everything? They just needed to move slowly and patiently, to wherever they felt like going. "I don't want to hurt you and I will… I know I will…"

"You won't." He sat up too and pulled her against his chest. "There's no pressure for you and for me. We're going to be the same. Maybe with a lot more kissing." he added lightly and was relieved at feeling her chuckle against his skin "When you're ready to, of course. Don't overthink it, Gohama. It's simple. I want you and I want to be with you. That's more than enough."

She lifted her head to look at him. "And I want you, Hansuke, and want to be with you." She smiled and it rose from deep inside her into her eyes, full of heart-warming affection. "It's simple." A cheeky light flickered in her green. "Now kiss me."

* * *

It wasn't simple at all, Gohama thought as Hansuke's fingers curled inside her and her legs trembled. She gripped the sheets with one hand and his hair with another. Her pants were fast and a long soft moan left through her open mouth. But Hansuke's rhythm faltered sometimes from tiredness and he lowered his mouth to one of her nipples. And still the lightning of pleasure that shot through her was not enough to let her fall over the edge. It never was. Neither with his mouth nor with his fingers could he make her come.

It wasn't because of him. They both knew it, even if Hansuke felt it was him lacking. They had a night together long ago to know that he had had no trouble then and neither had she.

His chest and brow were glistering from the heat of a Fire Country's summer night. His dark hazel eyes drank her in, as his tongue, that amazing, gorgeous tongue, darted through his swollen lips from kissing her. The image came only second to when she was the one touching him, and still she couldn't come.

They had spent three months slowly learning each other. During the first times, he had let their attentions fall only on her. Hansuke had been the sweetest, kindest, most patient man. With every gentle and loving touch he showered her with compliments and praise, with double-checks on her comfort and pleasure.

He had dismissed himself and couldn't understand that she wanted to touch him too, she needed it. He dismissed himself in everything for her sake and Gohama had already explained to him how she hated it. But he was stubborn and he was so blind sometimes. A fool. When finally he had listened to her, an entire other, marvellous side of their intimacy revealed itself to her.

Gohama loved kissing his skin, tracing his scars with her lips and tongue, dragging her teeth across his throat. But most she loved wrapping her hands around his hardness, loved learning what made him fall apart in her hands and mouth, the sounds he made, his beautiful furrowed brow in pleasure, the salty taste of him.

At first, she had been afraid of taking him into her mouth, but everything was different with him. She had control, she was the one carving his pleasure, either teasing him, or taking him as farther as she could. There was never an unwanted, violent grip on her hair or intrusive, painful shoves against her throat. Hansuke was even careful with his involuntary thrusts, but she loved them.

Gohama had never felt more loved in her life. She was not nothing anymore and the world was not nothing. Sometimes she felt like a child back in Snow, her stomach fluttering with the up and down wave of a swing, her hand reaching for the pale blue sky and it was there. She felt the relief of shedding cold, wet socks from snow once finally home, of wiggling her toes under the kotetsu. Relief, more than joy it was relief and giddiness. There was still the dark night outside closed doors, looming, ready to crash back inside, but the warmth of home kept it away.

Gohama had never realised how she had hungered for love, physical and there, until Hansuke had given it to her so freely. Yet she couldn't give it back. She couldn't even come for him.

"Hansuke…" she breathed between pants, as she held his wrist. "It's not going to happen…"

His fingers stopped and he gave her a long, painful look. Then he started again and she couldn't help but let out a moan. Hansuke lowered his head again, spreading open-mouthed kisses to her neck and shoulders. "You're almost there, Gohama... Come for me." Her walls tightened around his fingers at his desire-filled voice. He was good at hiding his frustration.

And still she was at the edge, never able to fall.

This time, she pulled his hand away, softly. "I'm sorry."

He kissed her lips. "Hey… no, Gohama, don't be sorry." He brushed his hand through her damp hair. "We'll get there. Remember, patience, no need to rush."

Her throat closed and she let out a shaky breath. "No, Hansuke, this is not normal… I don't know why I can't… I… What's wrong with me?" she whispered, her self-disgust seeping through her tone. "With you… why can't…" she buried her face on her hands, her voice came only as a small whisper "when with him…"

"Hey, Gohama…" he called softly, but his urgency was clear. He brushed her arm in an attempt at comfort. "Talk to me. What's going on?"

She pressed her face to his chest, too ashamed to look at him. "I'm sick, I'm so sick…" she explained through a pained whisper "he hurt me and I still… oh gods… I still came for him… I'm disgusting. I'm a whore…" She sobbed dryly against his chest.

"Hey, hey" said firmly and cupped her cheek, coaxing her to look at him. His gaze was stern and compassionate, hurting too. Hurting for her and with her. She hated that she did this to him. "That doesn't make you sick. That doesn't mean you enjoyed it, Gohama. It was your body's natural reaction, nothing more. And that mission doesn't make you a whore. Never say that about yourself again, never. Never think it." He pressed his forehead to hers. "Promise me, Gohama."

"I can't…" she whispered weakly.

"You trust me, don't you?" She nodded. "Then trust me when I say you're nothing of those things. Trust me and promise me, okay?" She nodded again and he held her tighter and pressed his lips to the top of her head, whispering "Okay."

They just lay there in the soaked sheets from their sweat, but Gohama hardly noticed it. She hardly noticed the scorching heat of Hansuke's arms around her, that the night's breeze did little to sooth. All her heart was fixed on his words, trying to print them into itself. She needed to believe it, she wanted to, for the both of them. Hansuke could deny it, but she knew this was taking a toll on him. Why couldn't he admit it? It wouldn't break her, it would help her not to feel alone. But he never could.

"Talk to me about what happened. I know you don't want to, but try, Gohama. It helps, it really does." He murmured against the top of her head.

"I will, but not now, please." Her voice became smaller. "Maybe if we have sex, if it's you inside me—"

"We talked about this. That won't solve anything. I know you want me, I don't doubt that, but it's different once you feel me."

"How could you know, we never tried it." She answered dryly.

"It will be the same as how it was with my fingers. It's normal, it takes time. I know this, Gohama. Please don't try to rush things, I'm happy as it is."

"I know you want more."

"Of course I do." He said tenderly "I want all of you, Gohama, but that doesn't mean I'm not happy or pleased." His lips twisted into a cheeky smirk. "You know how to please me."

She chuckled a little and he smiled, a deep, beautiful smile. Why couldn't she love him?

* * *

The three were stumbling out of the training grounds, after a tiring spar. Hansuke was on a mission so they had decided to train at night and it had been a nice change of routine and good for their heated selves from this year's unforgiving summer. Now, they were too tired to make sense and just laughing their way through the trees. The adrenaline had taken away their sleepiness, but wasn't enough to give their heads any energy to make sense.

Kisamaru had said something stupid and Nikato and Gohama were laughing like mad people. Gohama was grasping onto Kisa's arm, using it as a way to smother her raging, rocking, too exhausting laughter. Her other arm was wrapped around her stomach, but it did little to ease the sore pain. Nikato had stopped all together, supporting his hands against his knees.

"I'm crying!" Gohama whined between laughs, her words barely articulated, "You made me cry."

As proof, she wiped the moisture from the corner of her eyes with a finger and shoved it onto Kisamaru's face, whipping it on his cheek. He made an expression of disgust and pushed her hand away.

"You made the impossible!" Nikato exclaimed somewhere from behind them.

"Shh." Kisamaru whispered, his tone serious, but they couldn't stop laughing. "Someone's praying."

Still trying to keep their giggles down, the both of them glanced up to the figure standing in front of the cenotaph. The rumbling of mirth quickly died out in her throat. Only the ginger was left giggling behind his arm.

That had sobered her up. With that wild silver hair, it had to be Kakashi. But everything about his posture screamed defeat and the worse was his chakra. Gohama hadn't even recognised it, only now as she saw him could she see the underlying likeness. There was nothing to contain, because his wildness was flat and dull. She could sense the seven chakra natures, with lightning standing out, but instead of the tingles it used to leave behind on her skin there was only a quiet, shy whisper to her awareness.

It was one of those days, then. Gohama felt the impulse to stand beside him, but they hadn't talked in a long time and she was sure he still didn't want to be around her. Now she would impose her presence to a frail man. Because that was what he was that night, in front of the cenotaph. Not the great Copy nin, but a frail, grieving man.

"It's okay, it's just Kakashi-sempai, he's always there." Nikato dismissed with a still breathless voice.

But it wasn't okay. Nothing about his posture was okay and no matter how rooted her resentment towards the man was, her heart still tightened at the lonely sight. Even if she went there, as something inside her was calling her to, what could she do? There were no words that could sooth.

Nikato started walking away, but Gohama still wasn't certain she should leave. With her, stayed Kisamaru, stuck to her strong hold of his arm. Stronger now as she was watching Kakashi than when she had been laughing. She could feel Hyuga's attentive eyes on her. He had known something was off with her after that mission so many months ago and that she had fallen out with Kakashi. It wasn't difficult, they never talked to each other, they didn't even stay on the same room. But no one had asked about it, not Kisamaru, nor Gai, nor Hansuke, only Genma.

Kisamaru pried her hands away from his arm and went to meet Nikato. He was giving her the space to do whatever she wanted to do. He probably had realised Kakashi wasn't okay too. Scanning the earth at her feet, Gohama caught sight of a black pebble and picked it up. After a few hand signs it morphed into fragile, white flowers, snowdrops.

And fuck it.

"Wait for me here." She asked her two teammates.

Then she walked carefully towards the slouching man. Her chakra flaring as not to startle him. He never acknowledged her presence, he just kept gazing into the stone, his hands shoved inside his pockets and his shoulders so much more slouched with the weight. Gohama kneeled down in front of the memorial stone and laid the flowers at its bottom. The pure, frail white sharp against the darkness of the obsidian cenotaph.

She lowered her head to greet the dead. "I honour and thank your sacrifice for the life of the Village. In memory and spirit, you live through us."

She let the silence settle for the dead, whether they would listen or not, whether they remained with them or not, whether they seized to exist or not. The rituals had always been mostly for the living. Then she rose, still facing the stone.

Kakashi turned to her, his bloodshot eye stabbing into her own, not because of the disgust or aversion she thought would be there, but because there was none, there was nothing. His gloved hand reached towards her, all the way to her face and she watched it, frozen, as it hovered next to her cheek. And then it fell without ever touching her.

"You shouldn't be here." He whispered, more of a warning than a demand for her to get away.

His arm extended to her and she could hear the sloshing of liquid inside a bottle. She took it mostly out of sympathy and sipped. Her throat burned and eyes stung, not used to such strong sake. It explained his red eye and his indulgence towards her presence, he was wasted.

"Not only the dead need flowers, you know." She told the quiet air.

Kakashi asked with a muted voice. "Do you leave them to the living too?"

She glanced over her shoulder to her two teammates and friends and touched the snowflake neckless at her chest, the one Hansuke had given to her more than a year ago on her birthday. "I try." Finally, she looked down to the white, pendant petals of the flowers. She had brought them for him, hadn't she? How could her resentment quiet itself so readily?

"Good."

With that, she left him to mourn alone and towards her waiting boys. Spinning back around suddenly, she said, "That's just a henge on a stone, by the way. So, don't wonder when you see only a stone there."

A week later there was a bouquet of snowdrops outside her windowsill - he still had his chakra on her seals, and yet had chosen not to enter her apartment. Ones that withered and died, as everything always did in the end.

* * *

Nikato's screams of pain were breaking through his skin, muscles and ribs, stabbing right into his heart. Hansuke had seen so many exposed fractures, on himself too, but seeing his student's white bone ripped out of his flesh made him blank and sick. He knew he would be okay. Kisamaru was already by his side, trying to heal the damage, but the screams and the wound triggered right into his panic.

"It's okay, Nikato. You'll be okay." He tried to ease him. Very poorly.

The boy looked down on his leg and whimpered, quickly turning away. "It hurts so fucking much."

Hansuke let him grip his hand with a crushing force. Kisamaru had entered his blank medic mode and Gohama was finishing off their enemies. There was no one to comfort the boy except for him. He let out more empty words that did nothing to relief the fear and pain from Nikato's dark eyes.

He heard Gohama's quiet and hesitant footfalls against the dried leaves that covered the soil. When she finally reached them, her face had turned a dead like shade of paleness, the tint sharper against autumn's oranges and reds. She fell onto her knees beside Nikato and gently pulled his head onto her lap and let him rest there. One steady hand searched for his, so he could hold it and the other brushed Nikato's wild ginger hair.

"Hi there, Kato-chan." Gohama called, her voice the softest Hansuke had ever heard.

The boy's screams calmed into grunts, but his expression was still twisted in agony. Gohama continued her nurturing of Nikato's hair. It wasn't just her tone that was soft. Her entire face had changed into a tenderness he had never seen in her. A tenderness so calm, so full of hope and care, Hansuke had never imagined she could pull it off. But she did. Gohama slipped into the role with a naturalness that spoke of an entire side she hid inside her heart. Gohama could still surprise him.

She talked with her teammate of banal things. The barbeque they were going to devour after the mission, a new brand of sake she had found, a girl Nikato had set her eyes on before. And, even through the pain of setting back bone, muscle and flesh, she had soothed him from screams to grunts and whimpers. He even answered her sometimes, chuckled shortly.

Hansuke watched her motherly care with a full heart, almost aching. It made his affection burn deeper, made him want to jump over to hold her and kiss her. She was beautiful, even with the weariness, sweat and blood of a fight, her expression exuded grace. He could admire her forever.

The future he imagined with her had gained a new substance, realness. He could see her holding their child in her arms, admiring them with devotion and tenderness. Two big green eyes smiling up at her. The picture shone with such intensity, Hansuke could feel his eyes sting. They could be happy, they would be happy together. Hansuke was already hers.

In her gaze as she comforted her teammate as a woman comforts her son, Hansuke saw the promise of their shared life, full in love and happiness and life.

"… yeah, you're right, that cute nurse would be great for our Kisa-chan. When we get back to Konoha, we have to find a way of getting them together."

"The first date could be in that teashop near the hospital, do you know the one, Gohama? There are always couples there, a bit on the expensive side."

Gohama was ready to add her own opinions on the matter, when Kisamaru interrupted them. "This is all I can do for now." He informed while packing his medic utensils in his back pouch. "I'm afraid you'll have to leave your machinations over that lovely nurse and me for later. Hansuke-sensei?"

Gohama lifted her gaze towards his own with a small smile. Hansuke smiled back, his head still far away, in some place where the two of them were alone and together. Where he was free to love her with all the overflowing love he had for her.

Her smile turned into an amused smirk. "Hansuke?" She raised her eyebrows expectantly.

What could she want from him? "Yes, Gohama?"

"Your instructions." Her voice was dripping in amusement "_Taicho_."

His brow bunched together. Taicho? Was she playing some game with him, maybe trying to tease him? She only called him that with a mix of mocking and seduction, but that was usually reserved for their intimate moments. Oh, she was teasing him for later, she loved doing that around the boys just to get him flustered. It wouldn't work this time. He had a provocative private quip ready to roll of his tongue, when Kisamaru called his attention.

"Sensei, are you okay?"

His head snapped towards the Hyuga. "Of course, why—"

"We've been asking for your instructions now that Nikato is healed."

His eyes widened in realisation and his cheeks burned. From the corner of his eye, he could see Gohama biting her lower lip to keep herself from laughing.

He looked down at the ginger. "Good to see you okay, Nikato." Standing up quickly and with determination, he turned away from them and started walking towards the fighting perimeter. "I'll take care of the down enemies, Gohama with me, you two wait for us. We'll leave for the small town south of here and spend the night in an inn."

Pleased that he had managed to salvage the leftovers of his dignity, Hansuke continued with his task of assessing the fallen bodies. Gohama crouched in front of him with that self-satisfied smirk of hers he really wanted to kiss away. "What happened back there? Got lost in some naughty fantasies?"

"Gohama, please spare some of my wounded pride." He pleaded.

She reached across their distance to grab the collar of his shirt and snatch him towards her. Her breath teased his ear and a trill ran down his spin. "I'm more than happy to turn them into reality."

It was the lamest of lines and there was a fucking dead body between them and still his cock was gladly incited by her provocative tone. To add up to the twisted scene, his heart was singing at her words, even if she hadn't meant them. She didn't know his fantasies had been of them building a family together, of her as a mother and him as a father and husband.

Hansuke was mess, torn between taking her right there and holding her while whispering promises to the top of her head. And the worst was he couldn't do any of them in that moment and probably until they reached Konoha. Instead he pressed a soft and discreet kiss to the crook of her neck.

She pulled away to look at him, the teasing had washed away from her face. "Are you okay?" She stroked his cheek and he couldn't help but lean into her touch. "Is it Nikato? He's fine now and will be completely healed in a few weeks."

A pinch of guilt took over him. His former student had had his tibia ripped out of his leg and all he could think about was Gohama. It was dangerous how she could become his only thought so easily, especially on a mission, especially when another teammate, one he also loved, was injured. So dangerous. He was the fucking team leader.

He pulled away from her hand and started rummaging through the body between them. "Go comb through the others." Her hand fell to her knee and she walked away to obey her team leader's orders.

* * *

The inn was a slightly better and costlier one that what they usually got. Considering Nikato's injury, they wanted him to be comfortable. Hansuke had wanted to stay in a room alone with Gohama, but his leader's duty spoke louder. It had been enough to overlook his teammate so shamefully while he was scared and in pain. With Nikato wounded and Kisamaru's chakra almost depleted, Hansuke and Gohama were the ones able for proper vigilance during the night.

Their room was a small one with two double beds and a bathroom. When he left the bathroom, the boys were already sound asleep and Gohama nestled in the bed next to the window. The shower had done some good to calm his thoughts and unruly emotions. He slipped inside the covers, farther from her than it was normal. His mind already set on taking control over whatever urges he always had when it came to her.

However, Gohama wasn't privy to his mental resolve and promptly curled up against his back. The warmth of her breathing against his neck and of the arm that had wrapped around his chest was tantalising. He had to force himself not to turn around and kiss her with all the affection building up under his skin ever since he saw that look of hers.

It was the same as before, after her first jonin mission when he had been scared of touching her. He still shivered at the times his control had almost slipped through his fingers, his restraint had almost shattered. Hansuke was smart enough not to dwell on those what-ifs. Now, he no longer had to hold back, and neither did she. After half a year together, patience and steady steps, Gohama had taken back what Dazai had stolen from her. It came back to the surface from time to time, but it always did.

Then his fear had been for how he could hurt her, now it was for how he could hurt their team. There was a reason Konoha prevented couples, not that they were a conventional couple, from being on the same team.

Her hold grew tighter and she let out a shaky breath. Something wasn't right. There was almost desperation in how she tried to merge herself to him. Taking a deep composing breath, Hansuke turned around to face her. She didn't even let him see her expression, before she was pressing herself back into him, her face settling in the crook of his neck. Hansuke was worried now.

"Gohama?" he whispered not to wake the others.

"It was awful." She puffed "Nikato… it was awful."

Hansuke had been so reassured by her firm presence, he hadn't even thought how it might have affected her. Of course, it had taken a toll on her, to be the rock of the team, to bury her own dread and only ooze calm and safety. Kisamaru had shut himself off into his medic role, Hansuke had been useless, only showing worry and empty support.

The same admiration full of love as before burst to him again. Hansuke held her impossibly closer to him and nuzzled her hair with his cheek. Gohama didn't care for hollow words of comfort, so he just held her. If she wanted to talk, she would talk.

Gohama pulled herself away, so she could look at him. "It reminded me so much of Yukine."

Hearing of her brother surprised him. She talked little of him, less than she talked of her parents. Hansuke suspected it was because his death had been the one to cut deeper. Her parents had been both shinobi, Yukine was only a child, not even in the academy yet. As an older sister, her role had been to protect him.

"I took him to the park one day. He was probably three at the time and fell from the swing, twisting his wrist. I freaked out, his hand was all bent the wrong way. He cried so much. I had to sooth him while the medic healed him. I knew it wasn't a bad injury, I certainly had suffered much worse, but I was so scared." Gohama was sharing while staring at his collar, her fingers smoothing the fabric there. When she finished, she looked up at him with a shy smile. "It's the bone injuries. They freak me out." Her tone with playfulness now, an attempt to mask her true worry.

"You were amazing, Gohama. You made me fall in love with you all over again." He pressed his forehead to hers. "I wish I could show you how much I love you."

"You can."

"No, Gohama, I can't. I fucked up. Today my teammate was hurting and all I could see was how beautiful you were and the future we could have together. It's dangerous..."

She pulled away from him, her lips pursed and eyes sharp. "Hansuke..." she warned, "I need you as my teammate first."

"Either way, even if we're not together, I could never stop loving you more. On a battle I'll inevitably run to you."

"Hansuke, no, please."

"Our team is fucked up and they don't even know it. I'm the team leader and my subordinates, the people I'm responsible for, are not equal."

"I need you to promise me you'll always choose the boys over me."

"Gohama, I can't."

Her hand fisted in his shirt. "Promise me. If it's between my life and one of theirs choose them. And yours, always your life over mine too. Always. I need you to promise me."

"I can't promise you that. I don't know what I'd do in the moment."

"I'd never forgive you. For the rest of my life I'd always resent you if you ever choose me above them. Now promise me, please."

"I promise if you promise me you'll choose them over me."

"I promise."

"Okay. I promise."

"Now let's sleep, so we get back to Konoha fast and I can fuck your brains out."

Hansuke growled, his body reacting instantly to her words. But he wouldn't let her slide untouched. Nearing her ear, his tongue teased the sensitive skin of her earlobe. "And I'll fuck those teasing words out of that pretty mouth of yours, until all it can do is scream my name, Gohama."

Her body had tensed up at his words, her breath caught in her throat. He finally felt her relax against him again as she breathed out. "Fuck, Hansuke… Now I won't sleep."

He chuckled lowly, proud of his effect on her. His hand slid down her back onto the back of her thigh. Grabbing the supple flesh there, he brought it over his own leg. His fingers brushed the inner skin, up and she grasped the material of his shirt. Gohama threw a warning glance over her shoulder to their teammates.

"Taking care of you is fine, just don't scream my name now." He whispered with a bantering tone while brushing the tip of his fingers, so very lightly, over her slit. Gohama's pretty lips parted in a silent sigh and she pressed them to his shoulder.

Hansuke would definitely have to take care of himself in the privacy of the bathroom.

* * *

A freezing breeze from late autumn's air hit Kisamaru's back as he studied in his room. He raised himself to close the window, when Gohama's crouching figure on his windowsill made him halt.

"If the clan finds you here, we will both be punished."

She waved her hand dismissively. "Don't worry, having to come here is punishment enough." That typical glint of teasing took over her eyes "Your compound stinks of Hyuga chakra."

"Surprising." He answered dryly, while turning around to sit by his medical book again.

"Come have a drink with me, Kisa." He could feel her childish pout through her voice. "You know, your chakra is the only Hyuga one that feels like a summer night..."

He snorted. "I'm lightning."

"…in a summer storm."

"You should know well enough that compliments only work with Nikato. Why do you even want to have a drink with me?" Kisamaru knew why. It was not the first time Gohama had come to his room in the middle of the night, asking for a drink.

"I'm rescuing you. No one studies on a Friday night."

"It's Tuesday."

They already knew that Kisamaru would come. He never admitted it to her, but he certainly preferred her company to the one of a medical book. Still, for some reason, they both enjoyed their little pretend game, where Gohama made excuses for why she wanted to be with him without seeming a needy person and Kisamaru made excuses for why there was no reason for him to come, when he actually wanted to. It was easier to pretend they didn't depend on one another, even if both of them clearly knew they did.

"It's happy hour at a rundown bar on the civilian district."

"Will you pay for the first two rounds?" She nodded and he raised himself, going for the sandals stored in his closet. "How do you even know of a place in the civilian district?"

"Genma and a night of binging bars."

* * *

They were two and a half bottles of sake in when Gohama ventured through the reason she had asked him to get a drink with him. Hansuke-sensei and she had had a fight.

They hid their romantic relationship, but Kisamaru had been aware of it for months. Their connection had been different from the beginning. Hansuke-sensei had loved her almost since then. Even Nikato knew he loved Gohama. After she returned to their team, his usual posture had changed. Sensei let his eyes hold Gohama with love and openness and she smiled. Gohama smiled more at him, quiet, almost shy smiles she didn't even realise she was letting free. And giggles too. When they were talking in hushed tones to each other, a few steps behind Kisamaru and Nikato, or in front of them, as they travelled on missions, or out of the training grounds, she would giggle and he would chuckle. Hearing Gohama giggle made an odd bubbly feel rise in Kisamaru's chest.

It was almost sweet, except when it was not. And when it was not, Gohama chose to confide in him, never admitting the true nature of their relationship. He didn't give advises, as he could recognise his lack of knowledge on the matter of romance, and Gohama was not searching for them.

"You know how he is…" she slurred. "Always trying to fix things and sometimes it's just… sometimes—I don't know… He dismisses himself. I try, I really do but he wants everything to be about me." A bitter chuckle. "And yet he never listens to me."

"Hansuke-sensei is kind and wants to help us."

"I know he is." She said, her eyes softening. "But this is different. I think it's a trauma. When his mo—" she stopped herself, not knowing if Kisamaru knew about him treating his depressed mother when a kid, but he knew. Sensei was open an honest with them.

"His mother I know. It's possible that he tries to emend what he thinks is his failure towards his mother with you. But my knowledge of psychology is very limited."

"It makes sense… Everything we do it's because of what happened before in our lives." Her eye turned down, attentive to the absent motion of twirling the sake cup against the table. "He was so…" he could see the curl of her lips through her dark hair, they were twisted in what seemed like a sneer. Kisamaru readied himself for a rant about Sensei. "… so young. How it must have hurt him, to see his mother's sadness… to think he wasn't a good enough child to make his mother happy…" She hid her face between her hands and he could only hear a shaky breath, "oh Hansuke…"

Surprise wasn't enough to express the disquiet that settled, heavy and cold, in his stomach. The only crushing emotion Gohama had ever showed to him was anger. There was sadness in her eyes sometimes, she tried to conceal it, but sometimes it spilled forth. Mirth also, when they messed around as friends, sometimes it bloomed all over her face. Her care was shy, but he knew it was there.

But this raw, yet muted show paled all the other ones. It had seeped from deep inside her and it reached deep inside him as well. And suddenly, with a crashing wave, he was staring at someone he had never met. His eyes snapped away, uncomfortable at witnessing something he should not be privy with. He knew it was there, but he had never actually seen it. Compassion. It even made his own chest hurt, not only for his sensei, but for her.

"If only I could lo—" even drunk she stopped herself from saying it in front of him "if I could be happy for him." She looked up at him with a dreamy and sad smile "he'd be so happy... don't you think, Kisa? So happy."

But Kisamaru knew Gohama didn't love Hansuke, he knew she couldn't love him and wouldn't love him. She could care for people, give her life to protect them, but she couldn't love. Her love had extinguished itself with her Village. Only to the dead could she give all of herself. He didn't blame her, Gohama had worse traumas than Hansuke-sensei. No one survived a massacre alone without deep, crippling scars. But he worried for Hansuke-sensei. He loved too much and Gohama didn't love at all. It would have been balanced if the both of them didn't need to be loved, but they did. They were doomed, whether they stayed together or not, they were doomed and so was their team.

Kisamaru could say nothing and Gohama had nothing more to say. They stayed quiet and he ordered another bottle of sake. He hoped its burn could sooth the ice frosting in his guts. The corners of his vision was starting to blur and it made it more difficult for him to keep his back straight and his hands from fidgeting.

"I upset you."

He started at her voice and the quiet stare she had pinned on him. "I'm not upset."

"You always turn stern when you're upset. And you're sterner than Hyuga Hiashi." A smirk eased her expression and he eased with it. This Gohama he knew.

"I explained you before, compliments have no influence on me."

She gave him a light shove with her shoulder. "Is the Hyuga head really like that? Or is it just for outside show?"

"Hiashi-sama truly is as he seems, but he has to be."

The playfulness washed away from her face. "I can't joke about that then, even if he's a Hyuga. Father also had to be a lot of things he didn't want to be." Gohama never talked about her family. She talked of her clan, village and land, but never her family. Before he could have an internal freak out, she added, "Tell me about your parents. You never talk of them. All I know is from Nikato and the food you sometimes bring for us. I hope you've told your mother how much I love her miso soup."

He smiled, he had never known Gohama was interested in knowing of his family. "I have, she was very surprised to learn a Kyura ate other food besides fish."

She laughed and he wanted for her rumble to quiet down to start talking.

* * *

The two chunin wishing him a happy birthday left to get another drink and Hansuke could finally watch Gohama unhindered. She was dancing with Gai, but the words that best described it was being manhandled. The Green Beast of Konoha twirled her back and forth, raised her in the air as if she weighed less than cotton, and completely missed the beat of the song. At least, Gohama was laughing, her eyes bright with the effort of accompanying Gai, and cheeks a pretty red from embarrassment.

He brought his beer to his lips and almost choked himself when he saw the blur of purple that took a spot next to him.

"Easy there, Hansuke." Yugao joked as she patted his back gently.

"You came." He turned to her with a smile, her nose still red from being outside in the cold of winter.

"I even brought a present." She threw him a small box and he promptly opened it. Inside was a dark and rich silk cord used to wrap around the handle of a ninjato. "It always bothered me when you fought around with frayed ito. I bet you're not taking care of the last one I gave you. At least, silk lasts longer."

Hansuke cheeks were starting to hurt from the wide grin he had as he stared at the gift and the woman beside him. Since they were on their genin team into their ANBU squad, Yugao had always annoyed him about his unkempt wrapping around the handle of his weapons.

He turned to look at her and pulled her into a tight hug. "Thank you for coming and for the present."

"Iruka made sure I would." She explained as they pulled away.

"I thought he'd stopped trying for some time now."

"He did, but this was a favour for Kyura." She pointed towards the dance floor with her glass.

Hansuke's head snapped to Gohama, who was now dancing with Genma. Her embarrassed blush spread all across her face and neck, as they were actually dancing. Her only carefree dancing was when it were just the two of them in his home. He had had to force her into that habit, in the beginning she would blush just as she was now.

His heart fluttered at her care for him. She had not only gone through the trouble of preparing this surprise party for him, which he would never have known if Genma hadn't spilled the beans once he got drunk. She had even been attentive in inviting Yugao, the teammate he hadn't truly talked to in years.

"You love her."

Hansuke turned to her, eyebrows raised in surprise, but a goofy grin still plastered on his face. "How could—"

She laughed. "It's definitely very obvious." She dropped her eyes to her beer and played with its label. "You have a type, you know, Hansuke. You always did like your damaged women."

"That's not why I love her."

"I hope you aren't putting the same pressure on her about being a happy little girl."

"It's not pressure. I want her to be happy. I want you to be happy."

"Do you really think she can be happy?"

"Of course." He gave Yugao a deep, meaningful look. "And I know since Hayate died it may feel impossible, but I know you can be happy too, Yugao."

Her sad and kind smile reminded him of their ANBU times. "You always were a bit of a fool." Hansuke chuckled, Gohama had always loved to call him that.

"Leave ANBU."

"You know I can't do that. I'm not like you, I'll have nothing then."

"You'll have me, Iruka, we're your friends."

"You still think we're friends?" her voice was quiet and wavered slightly.

"Of course. I love you, not the way I used to, but I still love you."

"I broke your heart." She whispered with another sad smile.

"You did, but I got over it a long time ago."

Yugao leaned her head against his shoulder and sighed. "Don't try to be a happy little boy for her too. That's not what she needs and from what I've heard of Kyura I doubt that's what she wants." Yugao let out a curt snort. "It had to be a Kyura."

"I couldn't even look her in the eyes when she first came to Konoha." His voice faltered and Yugao slid her cold hand into his. "She thought I was shy…" he chuckled, but there was no amusement in the rumble of his throat. Yugao chuckled too, but mostly out of sympathy.

"What will you do, Hansuke?" she didn't even tried to mask the worry in her voice.

For the first time, he realised the steps he was walking on weren't there, and his heart jolted from the sudden void. A wave blurred away the future he had drawn for them into a dark blotch. His eyes made a frantic search for Gohama, jumping from hazy face onto hazy face, until he found her. Her hair was a dark stain around her cheery expression as she danced with Genma, her movements light as she twirled away from him. Gohama was falling away from his fingers, but she wasn't his to keep. Gohama wasn't his and, somehow, that made things better.

"I really do hope she can make you happy." Yugao kissed his cheek and left.

Hansuke rose to get a stronger drink. He downed three shots and tore through the crowd of Ippon towards Gohama. Then, he brought her to him and started dancing, leaving Genma confused at the loss of his partner.

"What are you doing, Suke?" her reprimand warm against his ear.

"It's my birthday. I deserve to dance with the woman I want to."

The shots where making their way into his brain, but he didn't care. His hand spread across the small of her back and pulled her flush against his front. Hansuke would hold her until she chose to leave.

* * *

Gohama rolled the glass of sparkling wine between her two hands as she watched Hansuke and his friends talk loudly about nothing in particular, their drunk slurs and minds too far gone to make sense to anyone but themselves. Genma, Iruka, Asuma, Raido, Gai, even Kakashi was there, in the middle of the fuss of whatever conversation they were trying to have. The bar was full, of course. Everyone liked Hansuke and everyone wanted to appreciate his 24 years of life. People she had only seen in passing, others she never even knew existed. That was how Hansuke was, he got along with everyone, he was kind and simple to everyone.

It made her heart full to see him have fun, to see him happy with the ones he cared about. But, at the same time, it was never alone, there was always a quiet sourness looming in her. What was he doing with her? There were women out there so much better for him than she was. Women that could love him the same way he loved them. Fully. Gohama had done nothing for him. It was only Hansuke the one to push her forward, to push both of them forward. Whatever they were to each other… If Gohama could love someone, it would be Hansuke. An if would never be enough for them, no matter how much he hoped it were.

Hansuke was a fool and Gohama was too selfish. That was what kept them together, not love or care. Hansuke may love her, but even that would never be enough to make someone endure a half-relationship. Gohama cared deeply for him, she needed him, but even that wasn't enough to make her give him what he wanted.

Whether they stayed together or broke apart, they were doomed.

Kurenai slid onto the bench to sit next to her. "This is a nice party you planned. Never took you as the type."

"Why do you think it was me?" Gohama brought the cup to her lips.

"It wasn't any of the guys or his students, so that only left you."

"There wasn't much planning needed. Just rent Ippon and tell Genma, you can trust him to bring half the Village."

Kurenai's only response was a hum and then they were both silent. From the tint in those striking red eyes, Gohama suspected what her purpose in sitting beside her was. They talked little between themselves, since their relationship was mostly one of circumstance. She had always been nice with Gohama, but the age gap seemed too large to cross when with the guys its size was never there.

"You can ask."

"How long have you been together?"

Gohama turned a little on her seat to face her. "How can you be sure."

"I wasn't. For more than a year, I haven't been sure, but after tonight." She gave her a privy smile and it made Gohama blush like a child who had been found doing something she shouldn't. "Hansuke can't hide it, but you, Gohama… Only this lovesick look you had when you were looking at him just now was enough to make me certain."

"That doesn't mean we're together."

"It was the type of look you give to a partner."

Gohama didn't know what made her answer. "Almost a year, maybe longer. There wasn't really an official talk. We were just together, I suppose…" She twisted back on her seat to pick up her cup. After a year, Gohama still wasn't sure what they were doing.

Kurenai laid a gentle hand on her forearm. "If you ever need a woman's ear, you can come to me, Gohama."

She needed it, to chat away with a woman. To have a conversation with the underlying complicity of being women. To whine about periods, waxing, makeup, and clothes. To giggle over the best butt of Konoha, the best abs and arms. Gohama felt the missing as she heard the women and girls gossiping in the bathhouses, sometimes smiling to herself, always on the other side of the window, always with a pinch of regret.

Isune… she called silently in her mind. What would Isune have said of her relationship with Hansuke? Nothing. Isune would have said nothing. She had been crystallised at nine years old. What could she say to her alive friend that had lived ten more years than she had? Nothing. She was dead.

"Thank you, Kurenai." Then she turned her eyes to the group of men. "I'm glad they have someone that can put some sense into them."

* * *

It was Genma's turn. From his early karaoke performance, playfully serenated to Anko, it was obvious he knew how to sing. He rose onto the low stage, making a show out of taking his senbon – which he hadn't done before – and sticking it into the wall. With a solemn expression, he looked at them. It seemed only Gohama was out of the loop. Everyone else knew what was happening, including Nikato and Kisamaru. It was probably a Konoha thing.

Seeing her confused expression, drunk Hansuke neared his mouth to her ear. Gohama was too drunk to call him to attention. Besides, everyone was focused on Genma and the thrill at Hansuke's warm breath over her skin was too pleasurable. "Get ready for a piece of Konoha's tradition." Before moving away, he nibbled her earlobe and she clumsily jabbed him in the ribs.

"Don't push it, Suke."

He feigned more pain than the hit had caused him. "Why, Gohama? Can't take a little bite?" His teasing smirk always turned into a lopsided, droopy-eyed smile when he was drunk.

Before she could answer back, Genma called for their attention with a cough. "We could not have a karaoke night without paying respects for our fallen comrades, since the beginning of Konohagakure to today." The meaning of his words were sober, but there was a playful glint to his tone. It didn't sit well with Gohama. "But mostly without whining about our cruel life and superiors. I invite all to sing with me." He turned to the clerk on the mixer. "Hit it, my dude."

The instrumentals were that of a military campaign hymn, one an army would sing before entering battle. But when the lyrics started the tone was still calm. Genma started singing alone, his full honeyed timber echoing through the bar, clashing with the smoke fogged place and drinking night. There was an expectant glint in everyone's eyes.

They all joined in one verse "And the Anzio bridgehead was held for the price of a few hundred ordinary lives."

And they continued to sing along with Genma. The song was about the sacrifice of a company of soldiers told by the son of one of them. Everyone was singing, even Kakashi, who hadn't opened his mouth since the beginning of the night, at least not when she had been near. The song spoke of the leader's indifference towards the sacrificed lives of his subordinates and the son's pain. War orphans were common throughout the Ninja Villages. And Gohama was certain the fallen soldiers' lives were always honoured. In Bukigakure, it would have been outrageous to sing such an offensive, angered song about the Kage and generals. But here they sang it proudly and together. Here was tradition.

Then the singing turned into a full angered cry. They all stood up and sang, even if out of tune, at the top of their lungs with clumsily and wide gestures, full of emotion and history.

Gohama's drunken chest tightened as she watched this group of Konoha shinobi, of comrades, of friends singing together about the pains of their ninja duty. It was one of sacrifice and death and they all accepted that proudly and eagerly. Gohama didn't doubt they would offer their lives just to hold a bridge, but they still needed to vent out the burden of their warrior duty. And not just themselves, what made it more unbearable was that it was their precious people too.

"They were all left behind. Most of them dead, the rest of them dying."

If she had known the song, she would have joined in. But she wasn't a Konoha kunoichi, not truly. She was Buki's. This was their tradition, not hers. And still her eyes stung at the rawness of the moment. The one that came from a moving instant that tore into her and made her empty chest fill with something again, even if only for that instant. She was glad just from watching their comradery by the shore.

Hansuke glanced down at her and offered her his hand. She took it, warm and steady, and he pulled her to stand, wrapping on arm around her and forcing her to sway along with him.

"And that's how the High Command took my daddy from me." With that final word, the song abruptly ended.

The bar was silent and heavy until Genma raised his glass and yelled "To Konoha!" There was no mock in his words, only devotion. He downed his alcohol and all did the same, including Gohama.

* * *

Gohama nuzzled the crook of his neck and sank wholeheartedly into his embrace, into the feel of his arms around her neck and waist, his legs lost between hers, his chest pressed against her chest, her hand tracing every scar branded into his back, his chakra consuming all of her awareness. It was just the two of them. Gohama and Hansuke.

She brought her hand up to glide her fingertips over the skin of his cheek, jaw and brow. He leaned onto her touch, a distant hum trembling in his chest. "You're beautiful, Hansuke." she said his name and he opened his loving hazel eyes to hers. So beautiful. "When it's just the two of us. No duty, no ninja, no team. When it's just you and me, I…" her words couldn't squeeze through the lump in her throat. Gohama didn't even know what she was trying to say. It was branded into her heart in another language and she didn't understand what it meant.

Somehow, Hansuke knew. When she thought his eyes couldn't bring anything more with them, they did. They gave her all of Hansuke and they asked her to accept everything he was, all for her to take, at least in the few moments when it was just them in the world. And if his gaze wasn't enough, his voice offered again. "Gohama." And his mouth and his tongue and his fingers and his desire. "Gohama." He called as he gave all of himself inside her.

"Hansuke." She called back.

* * *

_The song is called "When the Tigers Broke Free", by Pink Floyd. _


	36. IV - Chapter 6

Part IV | Chapter 6

* * *

There was the damn man, crouching in front a wooden fence, wiggling his butt in excitement, his white ponytail wiggling with it. One of the sannin. It shouldn't surprise her, one was a drunk, gambler Hokage, the other a creepy missing nin that changed skin whenever he wanted to. Being the pervert was the most banal feature out of the three.

Shinobi and their quirks, one always more insane than the other.

The Uzumaki kid had been right. She cursed her lack of insight and the loss of a bowl of ramen. Jiraiya was the author of _Icha Icha_ after all. Keeping a well guarded mental note about not using the bathhouses while he was in the village, Gohama dropped from her branch behind him, her chakra perfectly masked.

Not one muscle in him twitched. "Your good, kid."

That he had sensed her didn't surprise her, but she wanted to figure out how. The only other ninja that she knew could was Hatake Kakashi due to his sensitive sense of smell, which meant all the Inuzuka clan could sense her too.

"So I've been told."

"What can my person do for a pretty thing like you?"

"Talk."

"Hmm." Jiraiya straightened himself and his spine snapped as he arched his back. He finally turned to her. "What do you want to know?"

"Akatsuki."

Amusement ran over his expression. "That's a dangerous name for such a pretty mouth."

"The prettiest mouths are the most dangerous ones."

Jiraiya quirked his eyebrow at her and erupted into a fit of laughter. His arms wrapped around his stomach as he bent down as his shoulders shook. Gohama waited for him to pull himself together. She couldn't understand what had been so amusing about her comment. It was lame, but _Icha Icha_ probably had an entire dissertation about that.

"Oh, you are good. That line just summarised half of _Violence_." So that really was why he had been laughing. "Read some of my books, did you? I don't know if you noticed but one of the women was based on a Kyura." He turned a wistful gaze to the sky. "Sayu—"

"I don't need to know about your inspirations. I have more than enough traumas as it is. Akatsuki only."

"Hmm. Well, unfortunately I know little about that name."

"Bullshit." His expression shifted into amusement again. "I know you left with the Uzumaki kid because he's the Kyubi jinchuriki and Akatsuki is after him."

"Very dangerous mouth, indeed. But I know nothing, kid."

"Are you sure, Jiraiya-_sama_?" her voice dripped with intimidation, as she circled around him to lean against the woodened fence. "This is a nice little spot you have here." Gohama crouched down to look through the hole in the wall. "Very nice. It would be a shame if someone decided to repair this wall." He narrowed his eyes at her but didn't cave. "But even a bigger shame would be if a charitable nice citizen, worried about women's safety and comfort, payed for the repair and fortification of every single women's bath in all of Konoha and neighbouring towns."

A mix of dread and indignation rose to his face. "That would cost thousands of ryo…"

"Maybe said concerned citizen has an entire clan's inheritance to spend. So much money, so little to spend on."

"Why Akatsuki?"

"I ask the questions."

Another hearty laugh left his mouth. "You're too cheeky for your own good, kid. That can get you killed."

"Let me worry about my own methods. Now—"

"What about a nice cup of sake?"

* * *

The waiter cleared the empty plates of food and brought over another bottle of sake. Jiraiya had decided that she should pay for his dinner and they would exchange question for question. Gohama knew he was probably measuring her, considering the amount of questions about her missions, team, fighting style and other inappropriate ones Gohama didn't even honour with a quip. In her turn, she asked him about life outside of Konoha, the best places to lay low, the worst places to show up uninvited, which rogue groups ruled in which parts and, of course, Akatsuki.

Jiraiya had been open with her, and Gohama had been clever enough on threading her way through the answers with alcohol and other less relevant and delicate information. Akatsuki was, as she had already discovered, a missing nin association that was after the tailed beasts. Why? No one knew, but the reason was probably the banal, most uninteresting one. Power. What concerned Jiraiya and Tsunade was the need for power, why they needed it and what was the next step if they ever got all the beasts.

Jiraiya suspected that the Arms' massacre had been commanded by a proto-Akatsuki that had probably been devastated and, because of that, dormant for so many years.

He had thrown her a book with the stats of all the known members. A conclusion came to her, one she had been dreading ever since Dazai's mission, Gohama needed to start using Seiryu's chakra. She wasn't ready to give up what that training would take from her. She would have to go back to Snow then, ask Uncle for the Kyura Scrolls and his guidance in training again. Gohama knew she couldn't do it alone. She also knew that once the information that she was the jinchuriki spread through the shinobi world, she would have to leave Konoha. Akatsuki would come for her, she wouldn't even have to search them then.

Now that they were just drinking, Gohama wasn't thinking of leaving him yet. The old man could actually be good company. With a sense of humour, even if sometimes inappropriate, and knowledge of the world, she was now curious about what _Icha Icha_ had hidden behind all the porn.

"How's your fuinjutsu going?"

It was slightly unnerving that he knew of her studies on sealing jutsu, but she didn't let it overtake her. Jiraiya clearly was a master on knowing things. "Pretty well. I came up with a way of sealing my chakra into a piece of paper and releasing it to form a protective dome. This way I don't have to focus on keeping it up while fighting."

"Show it."

She took a piece of paper, similar an exploding tag, from her pouch and laid it on the table. With a simple hand sign, the characters twirled and casted a clear blue light, with it rose a small chakra dome, with the height of a glass.

"This is just a prototype. It can last about fifteen minutes, I still can't better the chakra waste. But at least it's up independently from me. Now," she started and looked up at him. "try to put your finger through the barrier."

"Are you trying to burn me, kid?"

"It's thin. It won't burn bad, mostly sting."

Jiraiya with a hesitant hand, pressed a finger against the glowing chakra, but couldn't get it pass the barrier. Gohama dispelled it and took hold of his wrist, settling his hand on the paper seal. "Push a bit of your chakra." He did. And again Gohama pulled the dome up. "Now try that again."

He obeyed without hesitation and now the barrier let his finger enter it.

"How long did it take you to make this?"

"Six months. I mixed Kyura security seals with one of my one. This way it can recognise the chakra I assign to it and let that person in. It can be useful for medical stations inside a battlefield. No more risk for the medic, no more risk for the injured with delayed assistance. I still have long months to go. This one's stable, but the larger it gets the more unstable the chakra, more dispersed. The bigger stable one can fit only four people."

"I can help you prefect it. Make it last for hours."

Gohama watched Jiraiya's honest and eager expression. To have him, one of the sannin, acknowledge and support her work, which had taken months of investigation, trails and errors, frustrated midnight spars with kage bushin and almost quitting, made her ecstatic. Inside she was dancing, jumping and full of newfound resolve. With his input, she could create a defence that would help keep her team safe, and any other team in Konoha, maybe even an entire military force. It wouldn't take other several months, as she had predicted, maybe they could do it in one.

She leaned over the sealing tag, her finger following the part that was giving the most trouble. "Here." She started excitedly. "When I tried to combine the—"

"Not tonight, kid. Tonight we drink and talk." He said while leaning back again, his cup raised against his lips. Gohama took a long sip of her own, suddenly uncomfortable with his heavy stare. "Why Konoha?"

She narrowed her eyes at him, but soon her expression eased, she settled instead on indulging him. "My uncle wanted to. It was the least I could do for him."

"But you're thinking of travelling the world."

"I am and I will. When the time comes."

"And when will this time come, huh kid?"

"When I get stronger."

"Pfft, you're like what, eighteen, nineteen? There's only so much power a village life can give." Jiraiya leaned towards her again, an accusing finger, while the other still held his cup pointed on her. "It's not about that. It's about comfort. You've grown fond of your life here. Now you'd only leave if something ripped you out of here."

Gohama leaned too, her eyes harsh against his own. "What do you even know, porn writer."

"First, it's literary erotica. And secondly, I do know. People only reject comfort when it stops being comfortable. At least people that know what it's like to have it taken from them."

"Why are you so interested in whether I leave Konoha or not."

Jiraiya served his and her cup and drank. "Well, I've gotten used to having someone around. Naruto is staying and I'll be leaving again."

"Are you inviting me to join you, old man?" Gohama asked with an incredulous, dismissive tone. His response was to nod. "What would I win with that?"

"I'm the one that has been getting intel on Akatsuki. We wouldn't need to be together all the time, you'd do your thing and I'd do my thing. What do you say, kid?"

"Did Tsunade put you up to this?"

"Pfft, she needs you here. But if I personally asked for you to join me, she'd allow it more easily." His gravity eased and he gave her a warmer look. "I'm not telling you to give me answer now, just think about it."

Gohama didn't know what to think about his proposal. Now, she understood why he had probed her so intensely for the entirety of their dinner, Jiraiya wanted to know if she was up to his wanted level. And to him, to one of the fucking sannin, she was. The ecstatic swirl of her blood from his recognition didn't came this time. The proposal was too good to decline and yet…

"Why do you want me? Is it some perverted idea of yours?"

"No. I like traveling alone, but it's always safer to be accompanied. You seem the type to keep to yourself and you're powerful and tough, it's not usually the nicest thing to wander between countries. And you're pretty. So yes, maybe some part of it is perverted, but only to show you off." His eyebrows raised in a suggestive look. "Unless—"

"Not a chance, old man."

"I'm actually thinking of going right to the source. Amegakure."

"Rain… How did you get this information?"

He waved dismissively. "Not relevant."

"You'd take me with you…" It was a wary statement, the uncertainty at his sudden notice clear in her voice. It was Jiraiya after all and, under all her pretense, she was just… Gohama.

"If you'd risk your life by entering a highly secretive, highly hostile enemy territory just for information."

"Do you have to ask, old man?"

"We just met, I couldn't possibly know your level of suicidal tendencies." He leaned back against the booth and downed a cup of sake. "So, will you come?"

Gohama extended her hand across the table. "I'm in."

Jiraiya held onto it tight and shook it. "You can give me the answer about the travelling later."

* * *

"Gohama, come out here." Hansuke called from where he was sitting on his engawa. With a grunt, she showed him her displeasure at leaving the warm comfort of his bed. "Please, it will be worth it."

They had just come back from a month long mission and she was exhausted. "I'm sure there are a lot more worthy things we can do on the bed." They had forced and helped each other into taking a shower last night and dropped on the bed. Even the month long abstinence hadn't been enough to spur them away from a full day of sleep.

"Gohama."

Without forgetting to shove her displeasure at his face with a series of grunts, Gohama raised herself and slipped one of his jonin sweaters over her head.

She slid the door open while fixing her hair a little. "What is it?" Hansuke just smiled back at her. "I swear, Han—"

Then she saw it. Very few and far in between, white snowflakes swirled down from the sky. Her chest tightened so hard that she brought her hand to it. The familiar and so missed picture mellowed her eyes into two glazed over orbs of green. Lifting her hand, Gohama let one fall on her palm and watched it melt against her warm skin.

"It's snowing." She felt the need to let out the obvious.

Seeing the emotional mess she was becoming, Hansuke stood up and tenderly brushed her cheek with his knuckles. "Hey…" he said softly.

Gohama looked up at those beautiful hazel eyes and grinned. She stepped closer to him and wrapped her arms around him, settling her head on his chest to watch the snow and pressing herself close to him. "It's snowing."

He laid his cheek against her crown and also turned his eyes to the falling snowflakes. "It is." He swayed them softly from side to side, his movements matching the ones of the white dots as they covered the ground with a thin layer of white.

It was nice to be wrapped on his arms and watch the snow, and yet Gohama could already feel all those miserable inner movements rousing and spreading towards her skin. Her mind being dragged away towards the cold lands of Snow. Maybe she could keep them down this once.

* * *

What people had thought would be the sparse fall of a snowflake here and there had turned into one of the heaviest snowfalls Konoha had had in decades. Gohama had smelt it in the air that morning, had tasted it from the heavy clouds above them. In Bukigakure it would have been only a flurry, in Konoha people had called it a blizzard with excited and awed eyes.

Now, she was sitting at the edge of Yondaime's head watching as the pristine white of snow engulfed the multi-coloured roofs of Konoha. If she closed her eyes, she could pretend. The smell of fireplace smoke was the same and the vague feel of cold after hours sitting down was the same.

Konoha was white and cold. It didn't feel right, it only made the bitterness sting deeper. She had had a snowball fight with Kisamaru, Nikato and Hansuke. She had shoved snow down Nikato's shirt and she had flopped back on the softness of newly fallen snow. She had walked over it without the help of chakra, burring her ankle in frozen chill, just so she could hear the crunch and feel it against her sole. But the faces weren't the same, neither was the shape of the trees, or the colour of the village, especially not the snow. And yet she replaced them easily, indifferently, as someone does to a cracked shuriken. Only as she watched the plain rooftops, not built for snow, did she understand.

Her hands gripped the hitai-ate of Bukigakure and brought it against her forehead. A silent murmur dying behind her closed lips, a litany of a recurring "sorry's", until the words had lost meaning in her mind. Her traitorous heart never to shed away the guilt of replacing her Village.

Jiraiya's words echoed in her head, over and over, like an accusation, like the biting murmur of ill fame. Gohama didn't want to leave Konoha. She didn't want to leave her team. Her friends, even if they were mostly just her teammates, Genma and maybe Iruka and Gai, she still didn't know if they were friendly because it was a part of them or for her. Worst was her team. How could she leave them once again?

She would. The snow branded it into her marrow. She would because above all of them, she could never leave her Village. Once Jiraiya and she left on their mission to Rain, she wouldn't come back until her duty was done. That warranted the possibility of there never being an until. It didn't matter. Always her weapon above her snowdrop.

Tingles crept up her spine at the chakra signature, her stiff muscles unused to the cold, another betrayal to her own blood, couldn't even twitch at the sudden invasion. He would go away soon enough, he always did when he saw she was also up there. The signature stopped, but instead of turning away it continued, closer, and closer with each footfall crunching in the snow. Gohama couldn't even spur frustration, much less anger, at being interrupted in her lonely misery, as he stood a few steps behind her, that offending chakra stamping against her back.

"Aren't you cold?"

Only the lack of a funeral had made her sure he wasn't dead and Hatake Kakashi chose the most banal, most inept, of small talk lines. It was only made worse when she heard the sound of his bottom hitting the ground.

"Why did you come here for?"

"I just did." Wasn't he going to pretend she didn't exist? Wasn't her presence too offensive for the great Copy-nin? "Why don't you visit the Snow?"

"I left."

"Which means you can go back."

"There's nothing for me there."

"It's home. Isn't it enough?" But it wasn't enough anymore and she hated herself for it.

"Why do you care?"

"I just do."

Now that made her laugh. A grotesque gurgle that rose from deep in her lungs, up to her throat, maniac almost, desperate. "You certainly know how to make a joke, Copy-nin." Her legs hurt when she stood up after hours of sitting covered in snow. "Sensei is all yours." she made a wide gesture at the rock they were standing in. "Next time just tell me to fuck off. No need to be rude and mock me with silly jokes." Gohama soaked her tone in sweet and harsh condescending.

She moved pass him without sparing him a glance, her fingers already set in the jutsu that would take her away from him. In a series of shunshin no jutsu, she stood in front of Hansuke's sleeping form. His back was uncovered, the moonlight accentuated the dips and rises of his hard muscles, his scars shone against his dark skin, they shifted slowly with his breathing.

Gohama untied the sash that kept her haori from fluttering in the air. It fell with a wet and heavy thud on the floor. Then she took her pants and shirt, her bindings and underwear. She crawled on the bed, the mattress sinking with her weight. Her lips brushed the rugged skin of a scar, one he had told was from a stupid mistake when he was in ANBU. Her fingers traced the valley of his spine and he shuddered under her with a sleepy sigh. They moved to his arm, feeling the gap of a scar that cut his red tattoo in half, one he had made himself when he chose to leave ANBU. It always filled her with dread and curiosity for the despair that was marked there. She continued to trail deep, open-mouthed kisses to the expanse of his upper back, shoulders and neck, until he finally woke up and turned around.

"You're wet." He whispered groggily, while his grasp was strong on her hips.

"I am…" Gohama breathed against his ear.

"Literally wet." He explained with a chuckle. "Your hair's soaking and dripping on me."

"Does it bother you?" Her hand glided over the twitching muscles of his stomach until it disappeared under his pants.

"No…" he groaned. "W-what's going on…"

"Nothing." Gohama answered as she lowered herself onto him. "I just want you." The both of them gasped and she clutched onto the sensation of Hansuke under her, inside her, until there was nothing else but it, nothing else but them.

* * *

"Sarutobi Asuma is dead." Tsunade informed them, the gravity of being Hokage swam around in her golden eyes as they saw straight through them. "I am sorry."

Gohama swallowed, the clear words hazy against her ears. They chimed like a bell, resonating in her head, losing themselves before they reached her mind. It was the "dead" that echoed, trying to make itself heard, but she wouldn't take it.

"When?" Nikato was the first to catch them in his mind.

"Three days ago. His funeral was two days ago. I'm sorry you missed it."

The word "funeral" pierced her heart with the meaning of those first words. Only dead people had funerals. They had missed it. Hansuke had missed it. He was still beside her, his chakra as quiet as his body and muscles. Gohama's hand searched for his and she held it tight in her own, her fingers pressing against the back of his. It took him too long to press back. With that small movement, his chakra trembled and a small shaky breath left through his lips. The meaning had finally pierced through him. What could she do for him? His friend was dead. What could anyone do about it?

"How?" he asked in a small, unsure voice.

Tsunade laced her hands together and leaned her elbows against the desk. "When you were on your mission two missing nin attacked the Fire Temple. Asuma was one of the shinobi selected to kill them."

If they could kill Asuma… Could they be…? "Who are they?" Gohama asked.

Tsunade looked down onto the papers at her desk and fumbled through them. "Another team has been dispatched, it doesn't matt—"

"Tsunade-sama." Gohama whispered through her clenched teeth.

"Akatsuki." The Hokage leaned back on her chair after she hissed the name, her gaze was sharp on Gohama. "You will not interfere."

She was ready to fight back, but Hansuke bowed beside her and pulled her behind him as he left the Hokage's office. He continued to pull her through the corridor, never looking at her, his strides wide and fast, until he opened the door to a conference room and pushed her inside. He sat on a table and stared back at her, his hazel were an attempt at severity, but he couldn't hide the grief.

Gohama took small steps towards him, until she stood right before him. His eyes never faltered. His friend was dead and he was focussed only on her. She hated it, and she also hated that she couldn't give what he was silently begging for, demanding.

Her hand reached for his cheek and then the nape of his neck, as she leaned in to press her lips to his forehead. "I'm sorry you weren't here in time." She whispered. If she hadn't taken a day to hunt down and kill those missing nin after the mission, maybe they would have come back to Konoha in time for the funeral.

Hansuke wrapped his arms around her and rested his forehead on her chest. His shoulders shook and his shaky breaths puffed against her shirt. All Gohama could do was brush his hair softly and let him hold on to her, there were no words that could sooth.

When he quieted down, his arms pulled her even closer to him. She knew what would come now. "Please, Gohama, don't go."

"Hansuke..." she leaned her head down to press her nose against his hair "Please. I don't want to fight over this."

"They killed Asuma. You're who they're looking for. I can't. It's too dangerous."

"I need this. They killed everyone because they were after me. I need this."

He took his forehead from her chest to look up at her eyes. His own were reddened from crying, he looked so lost, so miserable. She shifted to look at his hairline instead. It was too much. She could feel her resolve quivering, her weapon slipping through the slack hold she had on it.

"And I need you here, with me."

"You know who I'll chose." Her voice was steady but her throat tightened until she couldn't breathe. Gohama had never deceived him. They both knew that when the time of choosing came, she would follow her duty to Buki.

"Let me go with you."

She needed to pull herself together, for her Village, for her own sanity. "I don't want you there."

"Why..." His tone was enough to show her the hurt she couldn't face.

Gohama pressed her forehead to his own and breathed in. "Because you're my snowdrop and I can't have you near my weapon." His eyes flashed with surprised, their hazel colour still striking against the red. They mellowed into that burning affection that always made her chest ache. "You're my snowdrop, Hansuke." Her laid out confession ran freely from her heart into her mouth. "Stay here, so I can come back to you."

Hansuke nodded in a mix of resignation and helplessness as he tugged her by her waist to kiss her. She fell into him without holding back, but this was a goodbye kiss, it had the same desperation, the same abandonment. There was no reason to say goodbye, not now at least. She pulled back with a chuckle. "I'll be fine, Suke."

"Come back to me, Gohama."

"I promise."

* * *

So this was how he would go. Killed by a monster with five hearts and made out of threads. And with fire too. Being burnt to death was a painful way to go. The two kids beside him would die too. He tried to break the threads locking them, but it was insignificant. He would let Asuma's students die. Again, he would fail another dead friend. A fitting cruel end for him.

The two masks opened their mouths wide, he could see the red of fire and white of wind building up inside of them. And they grew and hissed, the wind feeding the fire into an impossibly bright flame. Even at a distance the heat was scorching. Maybe they wouldn't even feel their deaths. Then they blew their attack and the murdering glaze seemed to mock them with its slowness. In the last fleeting moments of his life, Kakashi could have wished for the seconds to stretch on. But he didn't. He just wanted the fire to swallow him and kill him quickly. He was already living on borrowed time. He had spent better part of his life trying to nurse relationships with the people he had lost through a stone. But now he would finally meet them again.

Father and Mother. Minato-sensei. Rin. Obito…

Kakashi called their names and the flames circled all around them, but never once did he feel their scorching pain. Maybe the death had been instant.

He dared open his eyes. Blue, all-consuming energy filled the space around him. He had never expected the after-life to feel like ominous, but at the same time with a warm touch of familiarity, chakra. The familiarity, Kakashi did know this chakra. He closed his own grey eye and tried to see pass the blinding blue glow with Obito's sharingan.

There she was, standing a few steps in front of him. Her dark hair glowing with purple tones under the light of her own chakra, her green long haori waving by her ankles, the white wolf crest shining away from it. What a sight not to die for. All power and majesty, he wasn't even sure if his goose bumps had sprout from the feel of her chakra, or the image of her figure cutting away from the bright blue background. Gohama.

Of course, she would come after Akatsuki. The irony that she had saved him, out of all shinobi in Konoha, him, stung. She couldn't know the murky blood she had stopped from being spilled. Sometimes, as now, as he watched the woman, the kunoichi, she was, he wished she did know, wished he could tell her. As during that failed night on the Hokage Mountain when the words had been ready to tumble away from his mouth. Everything he had said instead where stupid questions that he had no right asking her. Kakashi wondered, the bitterness of regret eating through his guts, if he had truly done the best for her. Or had it been just fear?

The raging fire roaring outside them vanished and with it the chakra dome surrounding them. Gohama didn't turn back to acknowledge them, all her being focussed on the shinobi in front of her. Her killing intent crashing from her, as waves on a stormy night, as it grew and encircled the clearing, washing away everything with it. Yet, her body wasn't tense, her hands were limp at her sides and with his sharingan he could see her heartbeat as steady as when she rested on a tree branch. Her body hadn't even felt that barrier justsu.

"What the fuck is up with the guy?" Her tone was almost playful, as her face turned until he could see her profile.

"Mid-range fighter. This guy has the power to split. Those two masks on the shoulders split from the torso. Each mask moves independently and has a separate heart. He originally had five hearts. He lost two and has only three now."

"Good." She answered with a flick of her hair, looking straight into Kakuzu "More hearts for me to crush."

"It's not so simple, Gohama. I've already killed him twice."

"Then it's a shame I didn't get here sooner."

Gohama extended her hand to her side and, with a cloud of smoke, appeared a summoned tachi. Her blue burning chakra spread through the long blade. Kakashi saw him then. With the same Kyura haori, the same dark hair, the same chakra swirling through the sword. The Yukikage, Kyura Inaku.

"The Kyura heiress." Kakuzu stated, his raspy voice seeping with disdain, he had seen him too.

"If death comes, may it be in honour of the Arms." Gohama whispered the ritualistic battle words to herself, the ones Kakashi had heard as an unbroken prayer during the Third Shinobi War. She pointed the tip of her sword towards Kakuzu. "And it will come for you."

She broke into a run. The enemy threw his threads in an attempt to lock her in place, but with her chakra-laden tachi, she could cut through them as if it were a kunai through wire. Gohama threw him in return her own chakra, which snaked through the air in pure energy arms, but Kakuzu evaded them.

As he was distracted with evading one, she flickered. Kakashi could see the blur of her movement with the sharingan. She landed right behind the enemy. This time she covered her hand with chakra and thrust it into the fire mask. Her eyes sharp, but most of all her face was blank. Despite the killing intent oozing off her, there was no hate, no repulsion in her expression, only lethal resolve. Kakuzu realised her attack before she could land the hit and spun away. His threads snaked around her arm and legs, he was smirking, thinking he had caught her then, until they melted down from her body and he jumped away from her.

When Kakashi thought Kakuzu couldn't change into a more monstrous form, the grey threads tore through his mouth, and expanded through his back to form several arms, chakra waving out of his body against Kakashi's front, even more powerful, more vigorous than before. Gohama's reaction was to smirk, a shrill twist of her lips, and wait until he charged her.

"You'll make my most perfect heart, Kyura."

He sped towards her and jumped high in the air. The entirety of his strings, creating an indistinct crushing grey matter, attacked her from a long-range distance now. Instead of evading, Gohama jumped towards them and Kakashi's heart halted inside his chest. Even with her tachi and chakra, it was too thick a barrier. Stubborn woman, she could have won this with more patience. His feet moved on his own, pushing against the soil in an attempt to reach her in time.

As always, Kakashi was too late. Her body disappeared inside the mass of threads as they engulfed her. Kakuzu let out a dark victorious chuckle, it vibrated through Kakashi's bones with a shudder. Lighting surrounded his hand as he ran towards them again. He would have to fish Gohama out of that mess, hoping her body wasn't already crushed to death.

He stopped when his sharingan caught her own chakra out of the chaos of Kakuzu's one. It grew and spread, the blue light breaking through the cracks between strings until it overwhelmed the enemy's chakra, destroying the grey mass. The both of them were falling, their bodies clutched together. They hit the ground with a loud thud and dust rose around them. The sharingan could see that Gohama's chakra was strong, but she wasn't getting up. Dread took over him again, as he remembered that last resort attack where her chakra exploded out of her body and it shattered her with it.

Again he was running and again he stopped as the dust cleared. He could see Gohama's tachi buried to the hilt through the wind heart and her fist in the fire one. She rose away from Kakuzu's trembling body. Her hand grasped his hair and pulled his torso up with her. She neared her mouth to his ear and whispered words Kakashi couldn't hear. They made the Akatsuki member's eyes widen and now Kakashi was truly curious about what could make Kakuzu, the man that had lived for ninety years, so shocked.

"Your heart for slaughtering my Village." Kakashi heard her say and a shiver ran up his spine.

Her chakra-covered hand tore through Kakuzu's chest, the strings around her arm melting into a thick grey liquid, the sound of crushed muscle making Kakashi wince. Gohama let the limp body fall to the ground.

As she unburied the tachi from deep inside the sand, Kakashi neared her, he could sense the other two approaching them too. "Thank you for saving me, Gohama."

"No need, I didn't do it for you." She answered lightly, as she pulled her blade from the soil. She turned around, her eyes moving up and down over his body. "You look like shit." Her condescending tone hurt a little, but before he could offer a quip that would sooth his pride, she continued "Where's the other?"

"Shikamaru has him."

"I don't care." The loathing he had expected from her during the battle was finally breaking free. "Where is the other one?"

When he didn't answer, Gohama yanked his ankle with her foot, too fast for his exhausted mind and body. He fell down and she shoved it against his collarbone. All ruthless resolve.

"Shikamaru just left. We don't know where they went." The Yamanaka girl answered, the urgency clear in her voice.

Gohama's stark, sneering eyes never strayed away from his own. "Summon one of your dogs."

When Kakashi still didn't move, she pushed harsher against his chest, the sole of her sandal scraping as it nearing his neck. It was reckless of him to test her, but he really didn't want her to crush the other's heart out of revenge. Even if that made him a hypocrite. There had been something dark in her voice as she had said those words before killing Kakuzu.

"Are you really going to play the self-righteous bastard, Hatake? Tell me the fucking difference between what I did and what you did now." And she knew that too. She pushed the rough sole of her sandal deeper against his throat. It was now very hard to breathe. "Summon one of your dogs. I think you owe me at least that." If she only knew how much he owed her. "I swear I'll rip that fucking mask off your face"

With a graceful twist of her wrist, she slashed the palm of his hand with her blade. "A little incentive." The loathing in her eyes spreading into a sardonic smile.

He turned his palm down on the ground and pushed a little chakra. A puff and Pakkun appeared. Right away he sniffed the air and, after surprise, probably for smelling Gohama's scent, his expression turned into disapproval as he saw what their circumstances were.

"Pakkun, right?" Gohama asked with a too sweet tone "Long time no see."

"Kakashi, what the he—"

"Follow Shikamaru's scent." His voice sounding coarse from the choking hold on his neck. The pug hesitated and Kakashi had to send him a glare. With a displeased frown made clear, he sniffed again and jumped fast, away from them. Gohama followed with no interval and he breathed in a long, much desired breath.

"You should have given her Pakkun right away, Kakashi-sensei." The Yamanaka admonished, as he massaged his tender throat "She could have killed you."

"She wouldn't kill me." Kakashi explained as he sat up. "How ever surprising it might be, Gohama has a soft spot for Gai."

Both Asuma's students just stared at him in confusion. Gohama had been honest when she had said she hadn't saved him for him. After losing Asuma, she wouldn't want Gai, Iruka, Genma or Hansuke to suffer another loss.

* * *

A puff and a cloud of smoke signalled for Pakkun's departure. Gohama leaned against a tree, forcing her aching lungs to take long breaths. She should have been patient on that last part, it had taken her too much chakra to tear through those chakra enhanced strings. Now her pathways were burning as the hot energy flowed through them.

Her forehead pressed against the rough bark as whom she had just killed settled into her. A chuckled grumbled in her chest and she let it free. So she chuckled, a mixture of relief, tiredness and accomplishment. One Akatsuki dead. Twenty-three of the missing nin had had their hearts crushed by her hand. For the past two years, she had used the bits of free time on their team missions away from Konoha as a way of hunting and killing them.

The path still stretched in front of her, tortuous and endless, and, right now, she had to step ahead, across the treeline into the clearing, as another one waited for the end of Bukigakure's fist. Taking a few and last resting breaths she pulled away from the tree, a cedar, in Konoha, she was leaning against a cedar, Snow's prime tree.

When she reached the place where a battle had certainly taken place, there was only Shikamaru standing in front of a pit. She could feel a chakra signature at the bottom of it. He had won. If the Akatsuki bastard had had to die at the hands of another, she was glad it had been him. Gohama held the utmost respect for that genius of his, after it had saved their team on a mission. As she, he was there to avenged his precious people.

She approached him slowly, as he stood silently in front of the covered hole.

"It's done." He whispered, she didn't know if to her or the quiet forest. But Gohama frowned, the chakra still hadn't faded away. "He doesn't die."

What a terrible fate, to live for eternity buried as if he were a dead man. Immortality was as cruel as death, as lonely. It made her almost giddy. He deserved every single unbearable, tedious second of his endless existence.

"Thank you." She whispered as she laid a hand on his shoulder.

Two plus twenty-three dead. Whatever number of enemies were to follow, she would kill them all.

* * *

Gohama pressed her cheek to Hansuke's back, as her arms wrapped around him. "You came back." He breathed in relief.

"I promised." He turned around to kiss her. When they pulled away, she leaned her forehead against his. "I'm here now, for whatever you need, Hansuke."

"I want to visit Asuma's grave."

She brought his hand to her lips and pressed them against his knuckles. "Okay… let's go together."

* * *

A forceful hand on the small of her back pushed her over the threshold. Gohama hopped inside, her two hands secure around the bottle of sake. She took off her shoes and waited for Hansuke, demanding him to walk in front of her with a glare. It only took them a couple of steps inside the house for Nikato to run and throw himself at her for a hug.

"Happy birthday, Kato-chan." When he broke away, she pinched his cheek and shook it. "Twenty, hmm? You're so grown up now."

"Thank you!" he grasped her arm and pulled her towards the living room. "Let me introduce you to my siblings. Hey, Akio, Mime-chan! Gohama and Hansuke-sensei are here!" he shouted towards the stairs. Then he turned to the man with brown hair sitting on an armchair while he read. "Dad." Nikato's father looked up, surprised to see them there. "This is Gohama."

She bowed. "Nice to meet you, Hayashi-san."

"Me too." He nodded and went back to his book.

The thuds of feet sounded from the ceiling and soon there were two kids walking down the stairs. Mime-chan she had already met. But not the teen, about fourteen, with a brooding, annoyed frown stuck to his face, Akio.

"Mime-chan, you already know Gohama. Akio, stop looking like you're going to throw up and be polite. Well, Gohama the annoying idiot is my brother, Akio."

The boy was ready to charge against his brother, not that a civilian could ever beat a ninja, when a commanding female voice called from the kitchen. "Akio, Nikato, no fighting today. Be polite." The authority of their mother was enough to make the teen halt.

"Nice to meet you, Akio."

He looked at her for the first time, his eyes went a little wide and he blushed. "N-nice to meet you, Gohama-san." He stumbled through his words and offered a quick, stiff bow.

"Just Gohama is fine." She answered with a smile and the boy turned a deeper shade of red. Was she that intimidating? She was trying to be nice, but clearly failing.

Before she could say anything else, Nikato pulled on her arm and dragged her towards the kitchen. A redhead woman, armed with a knife, was cutting vegetables with precise, fast movements. Gohama gulped, her hold tighter on the sake bottle.

"Mum, this is Gohama."

Her gaze, focussed on shredding the vegetables, rose to meet hers. She had the same dark and sweet eyes as Nikato and an even more welcoming expression, but the movement of her hand was enough to make Gohama overlook that.

She bowed stiffly. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Hayashi-san."

"Call me, Chizue." She said while dropping the knife on the board, making Gohama's spine ease a little, and smile. "And it's pleasure to meet you too, dear."

"I brought sake." Gohama offered her the bottle and Nikato's mother took it.

"Thank you very much, what a nice sake." Her kind eyes looked over Gohama's shoulder. "And you, come here, Hansuke-sensei." She ordered with a wave of her hand. Hansuke didn't falter as Nikato's mother hugged the life out of him. Now she knew where that habit of their teammate had come from. "I haven't seen you in some time. Don't tell me you finally found a woman to keep you busy."

Gohama choked on air, as her cheeks turned into a deep shade of red. Hansuke was much smoother. He gave Gohama a glance and then one of his charming smiles to Chizue-san. "Maybe I have, Chizue-san."

"Oh, that's great news. Who is she?"

His eyes flickered to Gohama with an impish glint. Her mind raced, trying to find any way of interrupting the words Hansuke was ready to spill. They had agreed they wouldn't tell anyone and anyone included Nikato's mother, even if a civilian, she was Nikato's mother. Making it public would force her to leave their team. Would he actually do that to her? To their team?

"Senju Tsunade. That woman loves keeping us busy."

Chizue-san laughed, the pleasing happy sound making it easy for Gohama's heart to relax back to a normal beat. She sagged against the kitchen counter, her only energy being spent on glaring at Hansuke as he smirked. "Not funny." She exaggerated the movements of her lips, her face twisted into a growl.

Gohama had to endure a little more of awkward socialisation while Chizue-san finished preparing dinner with her and Hansuke's help. At least, he had been kind enough not to leave her alone.

The dinner went easier on her nerves. Nikato's father was quiet most of the time, only entering conversation with a dry comment for time to time that never failed to make Gohama chuckle. Chizue-san had the same gift as her son of keeping an endless thread of conversation, forcing Gohama and Kisamaru to enter it from time to time. Akio was also quiet, but not so brooding anymore. He seemed shy, but his eyes kept fixing on Gohama and she would lift her own from her plate and smile at him, only to have him snap down with a fierce blush. Hansuke had neared her ear one time and with an amused tone whispered, "Someone has a crush on you."

When the candles had been blown, cake eaten, and gifts opened, Nikato's siblings left and Chizue-san started clearing the table. "Let me help you in the kitchen, Chizue-san." Gohama offered, as she stood up from the table with carefully balanced plates in her hands. Being a ninja brought the advantage of carrying most of the tableware in one graceful turn.

Chizue-san had already settled by the sink, her hands covered in think rubber gloves. As a kunoichi, Gohama related to the need for hand care. But mostly as heiress of a noble clan, it was essential to have delicate and soft hands. Decorum could never be lost to the ninja ways. Mother and her governess had thought her early how to avoid callouses and scars. Even after leaving the Arms, she had never lost the habit of exfoliating, moisturizing, in extreme cases even resorting to medical jutsu, every night before going to bed.

She could still remember the stern voice of the tall and svelte old woman, with long dark hair always drawn back in a tight bun, exasperating over her childish sloppiness. As a child, Gohama believed Keiko-san existed only to give her orders, teach her useless, boring things and hinder her life. Kyura children from the main families, both boys and girls, had a governess or mentor that would train them in decorum and noble tradition. One of the many obligations Gohama had thought were a superfluous bore and now remembered with wistful care.

Gohama laid the plates by the sink.

"Thank you, Gohama-san."

"Just Gohama, please." she corrected, eagerly.

Nikato's mother chuckled softly. "I am sorry, Gohama."

Gohama cringed from embarrassment and felt her cheeks warming. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rude, Chizue-san." she apologized sheepishly "It's just that I spent half my life with my own cousins calling me sama. I was never a fan of it. Now I can be just Gohama."

"I don't see the inconvenience of being treated by sama."

Her hands fidgeted nervously with the hem of her shirt and her stance was stiff. She tried appearing her normal casual self by leaning against the counter. Why couldn't she act normal? Why did she care so much about Chizue-san's opinion? Why was she failing completely?

"As a child, I just wanted to play and run freely with other children." she explained while focusing on the seam of her shirt "It makes sense for a kage or Daimyo to be called such, but I never really did anything to deserve the honorific."

The woman started laughing and examined Gohama. The rose of her cheeks had spread to a crimson blotch all over her face. What had she said wrong?

"I was just messing with you, dear." Now Gohama felt stupid for being dense. She usual was meticulously perceptive. Chizue gave her a kind smile "I do understand what you mean." her scrutinizing stare was making the heat from embarrassment more suffocating. "You know, Gohama, Nikato always boasts how confident you are in any situation, how you don't care about what anyone thinks… I'm surprised a harmless housewife is the one to make you uncomfortable."

The tone of Chizue-san's voice was so tender and playful that Gohama could never take it as an offense. It somehow lightened her awkwardness to know it was recognized, but not scorned. The woman was too jovial, too kind and simple to ever be able to upset anyone. She felt more at ease.

"You underestimate your intimidation tactics. Watching you work a knife while cutting vegetables could make any S-rank nin tremble."

"Ah, a joke! I was starting to think there was another deadpan shinobi in my son's team. But seriously, Gohama, you don't have to be nervous around us, especially me. You're one of Nikato's teammates and friend. Besides, from what he tells me of you, I don't think I could not like you. From what I've learned tonight, you are one of the politest people I've ever met."

"Thank you, Chizue-san. You've welcomed me kindly in your home, it's just… I'm not sure what to say or how to behave. And you're Nikato's mother, I know you're very important to him, and I wanted to make a good first impression… I'm also surprised… I didn't think I would care so much… but I do. Much less be so nervous…"

"Oh, Gohama… You sound like a girlfriend meeting your boyfriend's parents for the first time. You don't have to worry so much. If you take care of him on your missions, which I know you do, it's enough for any mother. Also, it's good for him to have a girl in his team, helps him learn how to deal with women."

"I'm not really the best option then. But don't worry, Chizue-san, he has other girl friends and always treats them right."

"Good. If he doesn't, feel free to smack his head for me."

"I can wash the rest of the dishes, Chizue-san, in fact, I should have offered sooner."

"Oh, don't be silly, your company is more than enough. Besides, I enjoy this, it helps clear the mind."

"I can understand. Sharpening my tools does that for me too."

They spent the rest of the time in silence. Only the sound of splashing, scrubbing and rubbing water accompanying them. It made her more comfortable not having to think about appropriate answers. Most people filled the awkwardness of silence with small talk, which was exhausting. Luckily, Chizue-san was comfortable humming little tunes while working. Because she didn't push a conversation, Gohama didn't feel the obligation of keeping it flowing. Then, Gohama helped dry the tableware and store them back. When both women were ready to join the others, Chizue-san finally spoke again.

"Gohama." the Kyura turned towards the red-head "I can only imagine how difficult things have been for you…" Gohama stiffened at the comment "I remember the chatter around Konoha, it must have been hard to come to a new Village and try to fit in with gossip and comments following you around. My point is" she glanced through the window to her son "Nikato may have been mean to you in the beginning. I apologize for that. But you have to understand how much he suffered when Ayame-chan died. It was hard for him to move on and you being a part of the team meant moving on. But now he finally has. Hansuke-sensei helped the most, but I know you did too. I'd like to thank you—"

Gohama turned her eyes towards the ground. Chizue-san was too good, she thought too well of Gohama. She wasn't even remotely responsible for helping Nikato with his grief. She knew grief as a twin, it had been her company for so long, but because of that she didn't know how to deal with it. She had done nothing for her team outside the duties of a teammate. Chizue-san's words made her feel unworthy, ashamed.

"I didn't help. Hansuke and Kisamaru did."

"He cares about you. All of them do. You should have seen how excited he was when you accepted coming for dinner. He really wanted to show you off to us. He admires you." her eyes kept frozen on the floor, too many minutes had passed before she spoke again "Why doesn't this cheer you up?"

Gohama raised her gaze and gave Nikato's mother a small smile. "It's much easier when no one expects anything from you, don't you think, Chizue-san…?" It was sad, but one was free.

Chizue-san stepped towards her. She calmly laid her arms around Gohama's back, her own arms kept firmly by her sides, and gave a tender squeeze. "Our home is always open for you, Gohama. Now let's have a glass of sake with the boys." she gleefully added.

Sitting on the backyard table, Hansuke gave her a greeting smile. He served her sake and raised his own glass, forcing her to copy him. He nodded and she nodded back, taking a small sip from the rice wine. It settled on her stomach, heavy and bitter.

She could see it now, as they settled on that table with Nikato's amazing parents. Hansuke, Kisamaru and Nikato weren't her snowdrop alone. It was also the little things, as when the corner table met in Ippon for drinks; when she caught up with Iruka, his kindness always lifting her mood, as she delivered her mission reports; when she soaked in the warm sun of Konoha on that abandoned training ground that had become her own; when she sat at the Hokage Mountain and for a moment forgot about everything, and there was only street lights, rooftops and the distant horizon against a sky painted in starlight. All of that was her snowdrop and it made her heart sink.

Gohama had left Uncle, she could leave them too. And if she couldn't, she would anyway.

They didn't know her. Gohama had fooled them. She had almost succeeded in fooling herself. One day she would fail them all.

* * *

_I diverted from canon with Kakuzu and Gohama's fight, but it wouldn't make sense for her to stay idle when Akatsuki was at her reach. So, in this fic's universe Naruto debuted his amazing jutsu on another target. On the other hand, Shikamaru had to kill Hidan, I wouldn't take that away from him. He was so badass on that fight. Kakashi, also a badass against Kakuzu, and he should have worked together more often in the Manga/Anime. _

_Anyway, thank you readers that have taken the time to review. I truly love reading them. _

_As always, stay safe and thanks for reading!_


	37. IV - Chapter 7

_Hello there, lovely readers._

_This is going to be a A/N about the Kyura OP'ness (basically making some things explicit)._

_Thank you for your review, Calimbali. I really do appreciate it and you are absolutely right (I admit that I got a little carried away when creating the Kyura, but the __worldbuilding_ _kind of justifies it). _

_The Kyura bloodline limit is very OP, I made it so, because I shaped it to what I wanted Gohama to be: an OP character. There are some things I regret, but the basilar bloodline is their "totipotent" chakra, as I called it, and it branches to a series of other powers. (One thing I find a miss in Naruto is the lack of Hyuga medics, they have great chakra control and can literally see people's organs. This is one of the reasons I made Kisamaru a medic.)_

_Maybe I didn't make it explicit, but few Kyura actually had the kekkei genkai (about 1/8). That's why Kyura Hideki, one of Gohama's uncles, wanted her to marry his son so they could have children with the bloodline __(referenced in I,C4)__. The people that didn't have it, did have some characteristics, like a more fluid and mouldable chakra (hence why they made great medics and fuinjutsu masters), being a sensor type (this was made in the image of the Uzumaki clan), easy to learn other chakra nature releases._

_No Kyura was a master in everything and few in anything at all. Gohama's mother was specialized in fuinjutsu, father in fighting with the tachi and chakra moulding, her great-grandmother in medicine. Also the bloodline limit is incredibly difficult to master, Gohama's is so great with it because at the monastery she spent every single day for seven years doing nothing but train. (What else could a girl do in a place like that?)_

_About Gohama, she is an incredibly OP character. S__he is not supposed to be taken as a common Kyura. S__he's supposed to be the epitome of what the clan was trying to achieve with their inbreeding, culture and education, a perfect weapon. And she wants that for herself too, so her entire life has revolved around that, in an unhealthy prideful and obsessive way. _

_The story is starting to delve deeper into her OP'ness._

_One thing I have regretted was making Gohama a sensor type, since it only adds to her OP'ness. But, hey, what's done is done, and I truly have fun writing how her impressions of people translate into her perception of their chakra and vice-versa. _

_Things related to the ten tails will be explained later in the story._

_About the kage bunshin being a secret Konoha justsu, thanks for the reminder Calimbali. I took the mizu bunshin has an indication that were similar jutsu to the kage one that other ninja knew and used. I'm correcting the same kage bunshin to tsuchi bunshin (made of earth), as Gohama used in the chunin exams._

_I hope this was useful for anyone interested. _

_Any constructive criticism is highly appreciated, from little things like "there shouldn't be a comma there" to a major point in my worldbuilding._

_Anyway, as always, stay safe and thanks for reading!_

* * *

Part IV | Chapter 7

* * *

Her gash went from her ribs pass her navel. She was on the floor, forcing her breathing, her lungs to fill and drain out. Forcing her wound shut. But the blood kept flowing out, her life kept drifting away. She tried getting up but couldn't. She had a bitter taste in her mouth. She could smell the blood and the death. It was coming. Her entire body shivered, her fingers were numb and cold. Where were the enemies? She could only sense a chaotic mass of unfamiliar chakra.

A spike of Hansuke's chakra and her view from the dark sky through the trees was blocked. She was inside one of Hansuke's earth domes, muffling the sound of the eager enemies, as they tried to break in.

She could still sense Nikato's dying chakra, almost no feel came from him. She could sense Kisamaru's chakra running away, trying to heal his friend.

"I'm sorry, Hansuke. It's my fault."

"No. It's okay. We'll be okay."

A merciful lie to a dying woman.

"Nikato? Kisamaru?"

"They're okay."

A merciful lie to a guilty woman.

"I don't want you to be alone. If we die…"

He was desperately trying to stop her bleeding. She could smell his fear, but his face was soft and tender, his words caring and kind. There was no hope and yet he exhaled it through his expression.

"I'm not alone. Even if you die, if I die, I'll always carry you in me. Isn't that what the Kyura believe in? That the living carry the dead in them?" It was, but Gohama had stopped believing in it a long time ago.

His dome cracked, the fissures spreading like spider webs through the earth. His chakra was almost done.

"I want to stay with you." Her muted and raspy voice energized by despair. Her frail hand held onto his arm

"I'll always stay." He brushed her damp hair away from her face, but her cold skin could barely feel his touch. "Remember? I'll always be yours, Gohama, even in death."

The dome crumbled. He stood above her, covering her from the worst of the debris. The two were open to attacks now, there was no hope for them. At least, Nikato and Kisamaru were inside her sealed chakra dome, it would fade away, but if Gohama died first the missing-nin would probably leave them alone and take her body for the bounty. They would take Hansuke too, the Void of Konoha, his price was high, especially in Kumo.

"Kunai" she hissed.

He didn't listen, he was too slow. The kunai broke through his flesh. She heard the stabbing rip. He fell onto her body. There was still life in him. She pushed him to his side, so they could lay next to each other. Hazel on green.

"Promise you won't leave me."

His chakra started fading away, he was leaving. The despair settled on her heart with rage and anguish. She couldn't let them die. She had to fight. She had to bring them home. The pain was too great. She couldn't move. Hands took her away from Hansuke. She heard the swish of blades settled for her and him. Instinctively, she rose her hand for him to form a chakra shield. It didn't form. Only a second now. She screamed, one ignited deep inside her that spread through her veins. Dark blue energy erupted from her pathways and skin. The enemies were thrown away. She felt the raw power flow and burn. They would live. She wouldn't let them die.

The terrifying feel of her protective seal breaking woke Gohama up. Her eyes snapped open and she winced at the sudden light. There was nothing worse than drunk dreams based on fresh memories with a hint of Seiryu's chakra resurfacing. Memory nightmares were always the worse because they were real, or had been real.

At least, her physical sickness was enough to subdue the fear still lingering from the nightmare. Gohama's head was throbbing hard. The light barging in from the window left her to wish she was blind. The snores coming from next to her sent angered chills through her spine. But it was somewhat nice, not that she could feel the niceness in her smashed up state, but it was nice. She was alive. The infuriating idiot next to her was alive. And with life came headaches and maddening thirst and annoying sounds. She poked the passed out naked man next to her. His piercing harmony was not interrupted.

Snuggling against his chest, Gohama tucked her head under his chin. She could feel his even breaths on her hairline. His heavy heartbeat on her forehead. Heavy and pounding and regular. She sighed. Alive. His skin was warm and his heart was pulsing. Hansuke was alive. The understanding finally rushed through her guts. She pressed her hand to his stomach. His replete chakra flowing, tingling her sensitive fingers, trilling her own chakra. The earthy and wet feel of it mingling with her own universal chakra. In the quiet of the morning, his breathing, his pulse, his flow. Alive. She let them take over her senses. She renounced to all her walls and invited Hansuke's life to enter into her own. Only for that moment, when it was safe and certain.

The chirping of a bird crushed her fragile peace. She had wanted to hold on a little longer to the clear piece of crystal in her hands, but those never lasted long, something always made her fingers tremble and the crystal shatter. The fear slid back through her spine at the annoying call. That little frantic animal brought nothing but dread to her. Tsunade was summoning them.

* * *

Nikato and Kisamaru were already waiting by Tsunade's office. Their yellowed tone and purple bags vouched for their also terrible hangover. It was a team summon.

"Hey. I guess everyone's dead" Nikato said as he examined his teammates. "Is this really another mission? So soon...?"

"That or Tsunade's rage. I think I'd prefer the first." Hansuke replied.

Gohama stood before a passed out Kisamaru, oddly splayed on a chair. She poked his the cheek with her finger, but he didn't even twitch. "What's up with him, Nikato?"

"He's been like that since I got here."

"Come in!" a voice called from within the office.

Gohama shook his shoulder. "Hey, Hyuga." she called softly "Time to wake up."

He hummed and opened his eyes. A drop of drool rolling down the corner of his mouth. His clear lavender eyes snapped open and in an instant he was standing, trying to smooth down the stray hairs that had fallen off his braid. Gohama had never seen him look so dishevelled. The foreignness of it didn't allow any amusement to rise at the comic image. Kisamaru never drank himself into a hangover like this. The mission had obviously fucked him up too.

Gohama brushed his back as he passed by her to stand before Tsunade's desk.

The Godaime didn't lose time. "Good morning, Team Hansuke. I have a mission for you. Yes, I know it's soon. You all just got out of the hospital, but I don't have any other option. The client specifically asked for your team, and he is the Daimyo. Also the money is good, really good. This is typically an ANBU mission, but I think you can take it, especially with the Hyuga and Kyura together. I know, you're still recovering, but, minus the hangover, I think you all look ready. Before I continue further, we have to wait for the always late shinobi that will accompany you."

Gohama slightly snapped at those words. Hatake Kakashi.

"In the meantime, we can discuss your reports for the almost fatal last mission. I see there were thirty missing nin and bounty hunters, mostly chunin and jonin. I've read the report. My question is how are you still alive? So, Hansuke, as team leader you can start."

Hansuke cleared his throat. "We believe it was an ambush. The client must have informed them of our departure. When we were twenty miles from the border of Fire Country, we were surrounded. They were after Gohama. They offered to let us three go, if we let them take her. Obviously that was out of the question, so the fighting began."

Hansuke entered into details of the fight, her almost failure. Gohama forced herself to think of other things, blacking out his words.

"So, Kyura." Tsunade's voice broke her pitiful attempt. "Explain this adrenaline-slash-chakra release you have had four times now, if I'm not mistaken." she glanced at her waiting for confirmation.

"Three times, Hokage-sama." Tsunade didn't need to know about her second one, right after her first S-rank mission. Hansuke and Gohama had decided to keep it to themselves, as he had promised.

The door opened behind her, electric chakra prickling through her back. Hatake Kakashi entered and didn't speak, but she knew he would have that apologetic look on his hidden face.

"Good to have the honour of your presence, Hatake." Tsunade said with sarcasm "We're just finishing a report. You can stay. Continue, Gohama."

"I don't understand it myself, Hokage-sama. It just happens. I don't force it."

"Yes, but it has triggers."

"Varying ones."

"Well, Giranai's report doesn't really give us anything useful. Hatake, you were there on a mission where it happened. Elucidate us on your point of view."

She was tempted to look towards him to study his reaction. She knew he would be as impassive as before. A quick glance from the corner of her eye showed that he was looking back at her. It had been their last mission together, after all. Gohama wasn't worried, he wouldn't know anything.

"I wasn't there." He stated.

"Yes, but you saw the aftermath. Describe it."

"It was a long time ago."

"I'm sure seeing your teammate arrive with blood in her hands would have made you pull away the hitai-ate." Tsunade bit out, her tone seeping her growing impatience. Nothing beat the memory of a sharingan.

"She was disturbed and injured. She passed out from the drugs that had been given to her. Her chakra levels were normal."

"Yes, I do remember that time she was still wounded after the break out. So, maybe it had a different nature or power. Perhaps due to the trigger. What do you think about the triggers, Gohama?"

Tsunade wouldn't let this sit quiet. She was suspecting something. "I think the trigger is extreme conditions or emotions."

"I think there's something you're not telling us. It's a strange power. I can understand that the Kyura chakra in itself is strange. So, my question is, how were you almost dying of blood loss to standing up with incredible power and killing ten ninja, returning passed out from exhaustion yes, but with no scars. No visible marks of a fight."

"My theory is that the chakra heals my body on its own. I have as much question as you, Hokage-sama."

"You know, Gohama, the only time I've heard or seen this was with a jinchuriki."

There it was. Tsunade still thought she was the Buki jinchuriki. After four years, she hadn't let that hunch die. And it was right. She would give her shit when Gohama would come out as Seiryu's vessel.

"I wouldn't be able to keep the ten tails beast dormant for so long."

"Exactly. So these explosions could be the ten tails." Tsunade gave her a long, scrutinising look, which made the urge to fidget prickle her skin. Gohama said nothing. "I see I won't get anything out of you, today. It doesn't matter now. We should get back to your mission. Kakashi will accompany your team as team leader. I decided it would be best to have another strong shinobi with you." she glanced towards the silver haired man with a pointed glare. "Kakashi was the only available option. You are to deactivate a criminal cell in a town of the Fire Country, near the western border. They have been bothering the Daimyo's commercial routes and sites. Your most important part of your mission is to kill the leader. An S-class criminal, Furuta Chin, known for his connection with Akatsuki. Everything concerning Konoha's intel on their compound and additional information is in this scroll." Tsunade threw it towards Kakashi. "Any questions? Good. Now off my office. You leave tomorrow."

The shinobi left the office and gathered by the waiting room. Hansuke laid a heavy hand on the Copy-nin's shoulder, his expression gleaming with a wide grin. "Good to work on a mission with you, Kakashi. It's been a long time."

"Nothing like working with the only true ex-ANBU." he turned towards her. "And also with you, Gohama."

Gohama spun on her heel and walked down the circular corridor. Nikato sped up to meet her pace. "So, Gohama, that was tough with Tsunade questioning. Do you actually believe she thinks you're the Jinchuriki?" Nikato laughed, his hands coming up to support his head while they walked.

"It's good for the ego to have people think I'm that powerful. Well, I'm out for a nap."

"Hey, you two!" Hansuke yelled, they could no longer see him. "Dinner at my place."

* * *

Her fingers twirled the chopsticks around, letting them stop from time to time, to hit the table with their back end. Gohama could feel that electric chakra creeping up her side, prickling her skin. No matter how much she focussed on Nikato's input, her awareness picked up every little nuance, shudder, spike, of Hatake Kakashi's chakra with all the nature release he had managed to develop during his long old life. Not that he was truly old, it was just the grey hair, but that didn't matter to her now.

Why had they made him take the seat at the head of the table? That was Hansuke's place, now he was at the farthest spot from her. She had had to endure an entire dinner with Hatake Kakashi beside her, and their discussion about the mission had barely started.

"Something bothering you, Gohama?" The Copy-nin asked her. It was the first time that evening he had directed a word to her and she wished he had kept that mouth of his shut and quiet behind his mask.

"Yes." She answered curtly, forgoing the twirling for only poking her chopsticks fast against the table.

"What?"

"I'm sure you can guess what it is."

"We have a mission, an S-rank one, I can't really go anywhere."

"I know." She tilted her head with a sweet smile. "You only ever disappear after them."

"Gohama…" he said between a sigh and a breath. "I thought we could—"

"There's nothing _we _could do_. _I won't force my presence on you and you won't force your presence on me. Why change how things have been for two years?"

He sagged a little on the chair and let go of whatever he had wanted to say before. Gohama put down the chopstick, her nerves a little eased now that the awkward tension looming through them had been addressed and dealt with.

"What do you think, Kakashi?" Hansuke's question brought Gohama back to their discussion.

"I agree," His voice gaining his authority tone reserved for leading a team. "Nikato's owls can lay out the compound's surveillance schedules first and Hyuga's byakugan can try to take a look inside. A 2km range should be good enough. The rest we can decide after that information. For now, I think two squads should break in. Outside surveillance won't be enough to bring the compound down. So on the first time, mostly for information gathering, it should be Hansuke and Hyuga together and me and Kyura." He had completely ignored the understanding that they had reached a few minutes ago. "When we take down the compound Nikato can join your squad."

"Don't you think two teams are easier to find?" Hansuke asked.

"Yes, but harder to catch and quicker to act."

"I think it would be best if we go solo then. Less of us exposed." Gohama shared.

"No one is going solo." Hansuke cut in with a pointed stare at her.

"I can go solo. I don't mind. Another person would only get in the way."

"With the amount of missing nin that want you dead, you're not going solo, Gohama." Hansuke voice was harsh. It was his definitive statement tone that she couldn't argue against, unless they entered a fight that would lead them only to saying things they didn't mean.

"Then you team up with me. I work better with people I trust." she said matter-of-factly.

Shinobi never admitted that they didn't trust a teammate. Trust was fundamental in any squad, newly formed or with decades of work together. Even if there wasn't any trust, they kept it quiet to themselves, not to let doubt gnaw on the rest of the team. Doubt led to hesitance and that led to mistakes. The issue was so ingrained in shinobi that it had turned into superstition. Gohama had jinxed their team right after an almost-deadly-mission.

Hatake was the only on the table to have no reaction to what she had said. She knew he would keep that infuriating blank droopy eye of his, but it still annoyed her. Nikato choked on his sake, Kisamaru widened his eyes, his back straightening even more than before, Hansuke sent her a chastising gaze.

The air was tense. She knew she was being childish, but she couldn't control her resentment. She hated herself for how much he was affecting her, but she couldn't tame it. He had broken her trust and she was broken with it, only now that she couldn't avoid him could she truly feel it.

"He has worked with you. It makes sense for you two to team up." Hansuke reasoned with the same unyielding voice as before.

She turned towards the Copy-nin. "Continue, Senpai."

Nikato coughed the sake that again had slid down the wrong pipe.

"Each team gets one side of the building. Nikato, you will continue the vigilance with your owls. After the information gathering, we'll know the best way of exterminating the compound. But most important is assassinating Furuta Chin. We'll determine the method later. Any questions?"

"If we don't gather any information about Akatsuki, can we interrogate the target?" Gohama asked.

"No. Our mission is to assassinate him."

"But he might have valuable information for the Leaf."

"The information you want isn't for the Leaf."

Gohama studied him, a long defiant look steady against his indifferent dark one. "Weren't you Uzumaki's sensei? He's a jinchuriki, Akatsuki is after them. You should want to get as much information as me. But I suppose now that you don't have any duty towards him you don't really care."

For a second, silent expectation spread across the furniture, the walls and floors, weighing on the people. It was getting to him, she could see it in the lonely patch of face that he showed, still it wasn't enough. He didn't react.

"How many Konoha shinobi have to die before you'll care? Wasn't Asuma enough?"

"Are you going to provoke me again until I choke you?" His tone was as impassive as his pose, but it had to have affected him if he was bringing up that episode during the Jonin pre-admission. One he had wanted to bury and forget.

"Hey, Hatake!" Hansuke scolded.

"Why not?" Gohama continued. "It earned me your yes and Genma's boner. Maybe even yours."

Nikato spilled his sake all over Kisamaru, who was too shocked to react.

"Will you two stop acting like children? We have a mission. A difficult one. Gohama you better pull yourself together or we'll return home half-dead again. Or maybe not even at all." Hansuke blurted out, a reproving finger pointing at her.

Gohama sipped his words like acid. He knew how to hit the spot and that he did it only hurt her more. She stood up impassively and said, "I'll meet you by the gate at six."

She left in a swirl of snowflakes.

They all stared at the empty chair. Hansuke hid his face on his hands.

"You shouldn't have said it, sensei. You know she blames herself." Kisamaru said, his accusation clear in his voice.

Hansuke got up, hand brushing through his hair. "I didn't mean it… it just… Fuck." he composed himself "You should go home. We have a mission tomorrow." he left for his bedroom.

* * *

The dark Village spread in little, crammed houses onto the heavy forest. Streetlights drew bright threads of streets and alleys. The moon was almost new and there were many visible stars. A cold breeze shuffled the leaves and grains of dirt. Gohama had always preferred the Leaf at night, when the people slept and the warm quiet spread through the streets. Up in the mountain, it reminded her of home. Not that it was alike, but it awed. The Arms had always awed her. She sat at the edge of Fourth's spiky hair, her legs swinging, her elbows supporting her weight. She tilted her head to look at the sky. Stars.

If she were to stay a few more years, she could have called it home. She would always stand at the shore, one feet in, one feet out, but here was where her newfound snowdrop was and she had to cherish it, protect it while she could. The guilt hadn't vanished since she had first admitted it to herself, but, at least her first snowdrop had deeper, burning roots and that was why her weapon would always come first. That was why she had to leave Konoha.

When the blue light of dawn rose on the horizon, Gohama picked up Toshi's bowl and, careful not to jostle him around, started walking towards the civilian district. Nikato's family always welcomed her goldfish in their home when she had to leave for missions.

Gohama entered the home with the stealth of a ninja and made a beeline for the kitchen. The silence was cosy and warm and she smiled at the five chakra signatures still sleeping. She dropped Toshi on the kitchen counter next to Nikato's own goldfish that he had also won on the festival three years ago. Gohama had that night as one of her most fond memories from Konoha.

Bending at the waist to be at eyelevel with her fish, she whispered, "See you later, Toshi-kun." No one knew if she would, but Gohama always said the same words to him before a mission. After a soft tap to the glass she left the house. Gohama could trust Chizue-san to take proper care of him.

Next she jumped onto Nikato's window and knocked. With a groan to the pillow, he rolled around and signalled her that he was awake. Gohama knew he would go back to sleep if she left, but today she didn't want to wait around for him. It had become a habit to drop Toshi off on the kitchen balcony and force Nikato to wake and hurry up so he wasn't always late.

One more knock and she jumped onto the rooftop, one hand securing her backpack to her shoulder. Kisamaru was already there when she reached the gates.

"Good Morning." he greeted with a hand wave.

"Morning." She gave him a little frail smile. "Get ready for hours of waiting, Kisa, Hatake is even worse than Nikato."

"That's why you decided not to bring him with you."

Today there was no need to bother herself with hurrying someone who didn't want to hurry. "Yup."

He reached for his pack and took out a container. "Then, good thing I brought some of my mother's miso soup."

Gohama could kiss him and his mother for that. The both of them delved into the hot, heart-warming soup. "You have to introduce me to your mother some day so I can properly thank her and praise her for her delicious food." Gohama wouldn't want to leave Konoha before meeting his mother. Her spoon stopped halfway towards her mouth. "Unless she doesn't want to meet me, with all our clans' hatred and stuff like that."

Kisamaru gave her own of the most sincere and deep smiles, his Hyuga eyes disappearing behind two happy slits. "Mother would like that very much." They continued onto their delightful breakfast, until he cleared his throat and Gohama knew what he would want to talk about. "Can I ask you what happened between you and Kakashi-senpai?"

"It's not a big deal. After my first Jonin mission, I needed his support and he disappeared on me."

"Asshole." Gohama's eyes widened at the rude language coming out of always proper Kisamaru. When she looked at his sheepish expression, she broke into laughter. He chuckled with her, until those Hyuga all-seeing eyes fixed on her, peeling every little layer behind her. "I thought the mission had gone well. What happened?"

"Well… how do I… My target… hurt me… before I killed him, I only did because of my chakra bursts. He was the one that told me about the Arms and Akatsuki. It was a tough mission."

"Are you well now?"

"I am." she gratefully squeezed his arm.

Shortly after Hansuke appeared. "Gohama, can we talk?"

They moved to a secluded alley. Hansuke's head was down and he shuffled between his feet, until he moved his pained gaze to hers. Any resentment she might have had washed away.

"I'm sorry about what I said last night. I didn't mean it… I just…

"You were right I was being childish. I won't be anymore."

She knew he had been right. Hatake Kakashi was just another teammate now. She shouldn't be so affected, two years had passed, and she especially shouldn't let her resentment get in the way of their mission.

He pulled her against his warm body and pressed his lips to her hair. "I know he hurt you when he disappeared. But why are you so mad still? I never thought you cared about him that much."

"It wasn't about care. It was about trust. I trusted him." Hansuke stayed silent at that. He knew how important trust was to her.

He pulled away to look at her. "I know you're scared about the mission."

"Aren't you?"

"No more than usual."

"I jinxed us."

Hansuke chuckled. "Never took you for the superstitious type."

"I'm open to anything at this point. We're fresh out of the hospital. I know it's important for Konoha but still inconsiderate of Tsunade."

"She did apologise." he joked "and we have Kakashi."

"Oh, yes. The great genius of Konoha." she mocked. "Why don't you see each other more?" she asked as she studied a scar on his wrist with her eyes and fingers.

"It isn't from lack of effort on my part. Kakashi hasn't really been around lately, always on missions, always brooding to himself. But it's all the same when we meet again."

She gave him a small smile and he followed the creases on the corner of her mouth with the pad of this thumb. "Good. I know he's important to you."

"Yes. He's a good man and he's always been there for me. He made a great taicho."

"Why did you leave ANBU then?"

His fingers stopped. "It wasn't because of my team, it was because of what the Leaf asked of us."

"Tell me about the mission that made you leave."

"Gohama…" he exhaled as he leaned his back against the wall, head tilted upwards.

Gohama followed him and rested her hands on his chest. Hansuke wasn't the type to be secretive to the people he cared about. He believed they should see him as he was and, if they didn't like that, then he shouldn't waste emotional energy on them. So, this mission had always gnawed on Gohama.

"You've told me about others. What is so secret and terrible about this one?"

"You don't want to know."

She cradled his face, so he would look at her. "You don't have to worry. It wouldn't change what I think of you."

"It would."

She truly didn't believe any ANBU mission could change the way she saw Hansuke. She had conjured every possibility and none seemed terrible enough to influence her. She knew he was a good man, one of the kindest. Missions were missions, especially in ANBU. They were to be completed because it was their duty, no morality involved.

"How can you be sure?"

It worried her how much it had scarred him and she just wanted to be there for him, listen to him, just as he always had been for her.

"I just am. Let's go. I can sense their chakra."

Gohama took the first steps out of Konoha, her legs felt weak under herself and her stomach was cold and twirling as she watched the wide dusty path narrow into a dot in the distance. It was too soon for another mission, too soon for an S-rank where they would have to infiltrate and destroy a compound with at least fifty nin. This was where their team excelled. Stealth, infiltration and attack. They had done this dozens of times. Yet, after that last mission, fear had started creeping out from where she usually kept it well contained and now it had fully overflowed, until she couldn't hold it down, closed and silent.

There was a fine balance in Gohama, the last mission had almost ripped it away. They had stayed for her and they had almost given their lives for her. She couldn't take more sacrifices on her shoulders. She was not worth it, she would never be worth it. Already her Village's life hung on Gohama, she couldn't take more weight. The guilt was too great, the repay unachievable. It was too much for her weak self. Too much. Her heart couldn't afford losing anyone else, it would crack and shatter, she with it.

With each new step doom hovered above their team. And she had jinxed them yesterday. Why had she fucking jinxed them? Seeing her team dying, feeling it through their fleeting chakra had plunged her with terrified despair and it still lingered now, as both an aftertaste and the foreboding of what could come. Their deaths would steal the remaining balance Gohama had set for herself. All the ordered movements, emotions and thoughts would crumbled down and she with them. They were shinobi, death had settled in their lives since they had taken the hitai-ate. More than anyone, she knew that reality and maybe that was what made her so aware of it now, as it shook and screamed through her insides.

A heavy warm hand brushed her back and gently pushed her forward. Hansuke was smiling caringly at her. She gave him a soft unsure smile. She just wanted to wrap herself in his arms and stay there until she felt was safe to live, for them to live. But all she could do was smile her doubts out and let him ease them with a smile of his own.

There was no half term for him. She couldn't give him what he wanted of her and she knew how difficult it was for him to accept half relationships: half subordinate, half teammate, half lover, half partner. She could only give him halves and he had only given her fulls.

Her feet took initiative and before she realised, she had drifted away from the group and was walking a few steps behind them. Nikato was talking Kisamaru's ears off and Hansuke Kakashi's, even the Copy-nin was chattering away. He went back to ignoring her with the easiness of an indifferent person. Hansuke didn't hide his happiness at taking a mission with Hatake Kakashi again, amity and admiration gleaming through his clear hazel eyes. Gohama smiled to herself.

Gohama could understand the admiration. Who wouldn't admire the shinobi that had mastered the sharingan when it wasn't his own kekkei genkai? Hatake Kakashi's name was a symbol of skill, intelligence and power through the recesses of the shinobi world and part of the civilian one. He had a prowess to match his fame.

Since the first time she had sensed his chakra, she had felt it tremble through her veins with the eeriness and disquiet of power. It had been intimidating and fascinating. All seven chakra releases mastered, but above all earned. Gohama had been born with them, she had never trained for it or fought for it. The same with Seiryu's power. She was a great ninja, Nikato had called her a genius once. But that wasn't her, that was her bloodline limit, powerful in itself.

All her life, Gohama had been aiming for the greatest of greatest, for a prowess that could honour and protect her Village and people. And she had failed. The power contained in her cells hadn't been enough, not because of itself, but because of her. This was why she still wasn't ready to harness the jubi's chakra. Gohama needed to be a great kunoichi independent of being a jinchuriki. Bukigakure had failed to see her essential weakness when they settled their expectations on Gohama.

Here her admiration for the Copy-nin toyed with her insecurities. It mocked her how fully aware she was of it and how powerless to fight it. She craved his approval, because it was a way for self-approval. If Hatake Kakashi recognised her worth, then it meant she was worthy. Worthy of her clan, worthy of her Village, worthy of Seiryu's chakra.

And that's why it hurt so deeply to have him ignore her, to have him walk away and stay indifferent for two years. He had broken her trust in a time she had depended on it and he had shown she wasn't worthy of his attention.

What did all the power locked in her matter if she was weak? The Kyura blood and Seiryu's chakra withered inside her.

* * *

Gohama pushed the door of the boys' inn bedroom open with her hip, her hands occupied with takeout boxes. Nikato let out a squeak as he saw them, his eyes shining as if he were watching the love of his life walk through the door. After a full night of spending chakra on his owls as they examined the compound, his excitement over food was understandable.

She passed by Hatake Kakashi first and carelessly let the plastic bag slide down her finger to land near him. "Kisamaru." She called as she handed him his food. "Kato."

Nikato squealed again. After assaulting the carton open, he pulled her down, and kissed her cheek. "You're definitely my favourite."

"What about your poor old sensei?" Hansuke whined as he slid down the wall to sit next to the Copy-nin on his futon.

"My poor old sensei isn't a pretty girl that brings me breakfast."

Hansuke answered with a defeated sigh. "I guess I can't fight with that."

"Definitely not." Gohama said with a cheeky smile as she chewed her food. "It's why I'm everyone's favourite."

"Even senpai's?" Nikato asked.

She sent him a glared that could freeze water in the heat of a Suna desert. He lifted his hands in a surrendering, innocent gesture. He had known exactly what he had said, that ginger bastard was trying to mess with her, to bring the drama back.

"She brought me food, didn't she?"

Her eyes shifted to watch his eye-crease smile and Hansuke sagging back in relief against the wall. It had been a pacific, uncompromising answer, so typical for the Copy-nin it was almost disappointing.

Gohama turned to him, her face a blank veil. "No. Hansuke did."

"Then I guess Hansuke is my favourite."

"More into pretty boys, then." Gohama countered with a challenging glare.

Honestly it was irrelevant to her if the Copy-nin was gay or not, but usually straight men tended to be offended by that. And she was leaning into the straight spectrum for him, considering he had stolen her first kiss and had become hard on that regretful moment on their mission while they were doing nothing besides innocently touching each other's upper bodies and faces. The night she had told him she trusted him. A great mistake for her deprived judgement.

She had trusted him and he was doing his duty. There had been no connection besides that. She had invented care and safety from him because she needed it on that mission. Once they had completed it, there was no reason to continue in each other's lives. He had been disgusted with her, so he stepped away. She could understand that, no matter how much it hurt.

"I'm more into food."

"And low tier written porn."

That small comment about his precious books was the one to get to him. It was petty and it made her chest bubble with a twisted sense of victory.

"Erotica, yes, that could rival most classics." Gohama had heard this dissertation of his before, after Danzo's commissioned torture session. It had reminded her of Mother then, and now it only made her ashamed for linking Mother to the pervert.

It had always been in her vulnerable moments that he had crept in. When she had been blinded and stupid enough to think he was trustworthy, that it had meant something.

"We always think that what keeps us company on lonely nights is better than it truly is." Her words had been meant to be a biting quip, but they fell on everyone's ears with a heavy weight.

Hatake Kakashi's dark eye was as unrevealing as his mask. "Is that so bad?"

"It's a lie."

"And? If it makes people less miserable…" He answered with a shrug.

"Until they find out the truth."

"And if they don't?"

"It doesn't matter. Now amount of happiness comes first to the truth."

"That's a miserable way of living."

Pulling her back away from the wall, Gohama stood straighter, her hands clutching the takeout box in her lap. "But it's real."

"You're being naïve, Gohama." Of course, Hatake would never shed his patronising when it came to her. "Truth doesn't make things real. The shinobi world is proof enough of that. All of us are living in a multiple lies set out by the Villages and all of us make them real because we believe in them."

"But you wish it wasn't like that."

"What does it matter? It won't change. It's just how things are."

Irritation was prickling at her skin from Kakashi's dismissive, elusive answers. "It matters to me. 'Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth'."

Something heavy floated in the dark shade of his eye, Gohama grasped what it was, before it could disappear. Sorrow. "Quoting western thinkers won't help you in the _real_ world." For a man that only read porn Kakashi was well acquainted with other writers. "Things are messy. Not everything is all black and white as you make it seem. You should know that."

"Truth is." Maybe that was why Gohama supported herself so much on it. Truth was stable, unchangeable, and secure. "One thing is either a truth or not. We may never find it, we may be so deep in lies, so deep in our own limitations, that it becomes blurred, but it's there."

"And why does it matter if it's there if you can never find it?"

Kakashi had her there, and the corner of Gohama's lips upturned against her will. "I don't know why and I know it's stupid, but it does." Her green eyes pinned on his grey one, trying to shed away the blankness of his stare. She had seen sorrow, for a fleeting instant he had let it escape. "And it also matters to you, Kakashi."

He confirmed it when his chakra fluttered against her skin and his eye moved away from hers to Nikato. "Unsummon the howls, Hayashi."

Nikato did as he was ordered and he braced himself against Gohama due to the rush of information reaching him from his summons. When he opened his eyes, they were serious and determined, so unlike the usual easiness and playfulness swimming in their black. He always changed into a grave focus when his abilities and action were called to take an important role on a mission.

He spoke, tracing lines along the drawn blueprints to better show the dynamic of the compound and everyone scooted closer to the paper laid out on the floor. "The wall is guarded by two towers, each with only a shinobi. The front entrance has two shinobi. Inside the wall there are about fifty meters until we reach the building. Four squads of two shinobi circle this perimeter. Possible entering spots are the windows, probably sealed, so you would have to take care of that Gohama; and the back door."

The fine hairs on her arm stood straight in the air with the prickly sensation of a heavy stare. Gohama turned her eyes up from the blueprint and fixed them on Kakashi's one. He didn't avert them, as a normal person at being caught staring would do. She wouldn't yield first, so she kept her gaze sharp and piercing on his, which studied her with his perfected aloof droopiness. Once Nikato finished talking, Kakashi finally gave up and looked towards the print.

"This is going to be delicate. We don't even know what expects use inside." He commented in his team leader tone. "We'll invade right after the 22:00 shift change Nikato talked about and leave before the end of it. That will give us more than enough time. Both teams will go through the back door and separate once inside. Gohama, if the door is sealed can you open it?" He didn't look up as he addressed her.

"I can't be sure. It depends on the complexity of it. Nikato, did you see the door open at any time?"

"Some would exit from there to smoke."

"Then, you should put an owl there and see if you can watch them work on it and describe it to me."

"Summoning after tonight took a lot of my chakra, I can't afford to—"

"I'll give you mine."

Nikato didn't seem pleased by Gohama's generous offer. She knew it was uncomfortable while her chakra entered other people. He gave her a compliant nod and pulled his shirt up. Gohama laid her hand on his stomach, concentrating on moulding it into a viable energy for Nikato's own chakra system. Light blue energy involved her hand and flowed down Nikato's skin.

"How do you give chakra to people?" Kakashi asked.

When she looked up to answer him, Gohama could see the black tomoe of the sharingan swirling, his hitai-ate raised to unveil it. "It's sort of like blood and a universal donor. Because I have every nature, my chakra is very fluid and most people can mould it. I manipulate it so it's more similar to the receiver. In this case, I'm only giving chakra with wind nature."

"Could I do it?"

Gohama snorted, as she stood up and Nikato arranged his shirt back down. "You're stamina is bad as it is."

"But could I?"

"This isn't a jutsu you can copy."

"I think you just don't want to share your clan's abilities."

"You do seem to live off other clans' stolen abilities."

Hatake stepped towards her. "It wasn't stolen."

Hansuke put himself between the two. "Okay, enough of this talk. We have a mission to complete."

"You're chakra is too individual, as any other person. The Hyuga one is more universal and fluid but only inside their own chakra affinity. You also don't have enough chakra control to manipulate it and make it viable for donation. You could try to learn it, but I doubt you would manage, unless it was inside your family or clan." Seeing his still unmoving expression, after a reasoned explanation, Gohama's voice turned harsher. "This isn't like the sharingan where you can just patch it up and pretend it's yours. You have to be born with it. That's why the Kyura were always above in that matter."

"And look what happened to them."

Her eyes widened in surprise for his insensitive boldness, his words were a hard blow.

"Kakashi…" Hansuke whispered, as he rested his hand on her shoulder.

The placating gesture didn't seem enough to smother the anger swirling around in her blood. She could deal with insults to her person, but not to her people. Only enemies and bitter people had had the audacity to bring the slaughter of the Kyura into a fight.

"Fuck, that's low. Even for you."

She had pushed him, she had tried to offend him and get to him, but he was the one to cross the line. What right did he have to accuse her of not sharing Kyura technics? It was her blood, her power. She had the obligation to protect them from foreign hands. Didn't he believe her explanation?

"If you want you can try it on me. It will prove to you not everything can be copied and stolen away." She spat the last words at his face, her anger turning to disdain. "The great Copy-nin… that's all you are, a copy. A fake."

"Gohama…" Hansuke warned, with a squeeze as a silent plea.

The Copy-nin just stood there, still and quiet. The fight had washed away from him. Gohama turned to Nikato, instead. "Can you send that owl now?"

He nodded. The animal appeared in front of them and flew through the window, the flutter of his wings echoed through the silent room.

Hatake seemed to pull himself out of his stillness and looked towards Kisamaru, "We'll use the byakugan to see if we can learn about the inside of the compound. Have your breakfast, Hyuga. I'll wait for you outside. You three, prepare for tonight."

He left the room.

"Why can't you stop insulting him?" Hansuke asked her.

"Why am I the only one to blame? You heard what he said to me."

"Maybe we should change the teams for tonight."

"You think I can't be professional?" His pointed look was enough answer. "Same teams. We'll see who gets more information and quicker." she extended her hand towards him.

"That's definitely not professional." He answered with an amused smile.

"Oh shut up, I know you want to accept this."

Hansuke shook her hand with a tight grip. "Price?"

"Once the mission is over losing team pays for drinks for a three nights."

"Deal."

"I didn't accept to be part of these irresponsible bets you do." Kisamaru whined.

"You think you can't win, Kisa-chan?"

"We'll win."

Hansuke pulled her aside, his grip harsh on her arm and his serious gaze no less worrying. "Gohama…" he breathed out and she felt her heart freeze with dread. "What you said earlier… about the truth and it being above anything, even happiness and… love," he choked a little at the word. "is it true?"

She frowned at his question. Hadn't she made it obvious in their relationship that truth was important to her? She had always begged him to be honest, to share his doubts and admit if what they had wasn't enough. She had been obsessed with the truth behind the Massacre, searching through information circling the missing nin world, and when she had stumbled upon it in the worst of situations she had latched on to it. Gohama would never regret Dazai's mission because of that crucial piece of information, of truth.

"Of course it is. Why do you ask?"

"Nothing." he said with a little smile. "I just never heard you talk about it before… Is that what you and Kisamaru discuss when you get drunk together?"

Hansuke was lying, poorly even. It pierced right through her heart and the dread frosted all around her insides. A heavy, burning possibility tearing right through her. Gohama reasoned that Hansuke would never do that to her, that he loved her and he was loyal, Hansuke was loyal in everything, from his teammates, to his friends and his Village, he would also be loyal to the woman he was with. Gohama knew he wouldn't cheat on her, but something was gnawing on him and now it was inside her too.

Maybe it was his ANBU mission. The only thing where he wasn't open to her. He probably thought that not telling her about it meant he was lying about a part of himself. Gohama knew how ANBU missions were, it wouldn't change how she saw him.

"We do." Gohama answered with a small smile of her own. "A lot of other pretentious shit too, right Kisa-chan?"

"Hai." He answered behind her. Kisamaru had been listening to their conversation. He was another one that valued truth above anything else. It translated into his search for knowledge on the human body, into his attentive piercing eyes unveiling everything, and worst of all his quiet, almost imperceptible, nosiness.

It was Gohama's turn to grasp Hansuke's arm and pull him out of the boys' room to theirs. When the door closed behind them, she cupped his face and made him look at her. "Hansuke, you don't have to worry about your ANBU mission, okay?" At her waiting look, he gave her a reluctant nod. "I understand it's above my pay grade, so you don't have to tell me the details. But if you are ready to share what haunts you about it, I'm here to listen. Okay?"

"Okay." He breathed out. With it, his shoulders eased and he wrapped his strong arms around her and buried his face in her neck. "Just… know that I love you. Promise you won't forget it, Gohama."

"I promise."

* * *

Guilt. It was always guilt with him. It festered every single nook of his life and every little relationship he had with people, but especially the ones that mattered most. Even if Gohama wasn't one of his precious people (avoiding her for two years had made sure his traitorous heart would never fall into such treachery), his relationship with her had always been significant to him. But this time it was the other way around. Usually the relationship came before his guilt, but with Gohama it had been the guilt to build his relationship with her. That was what made it so terribly disgusting and deceiving.

Now the guilt focussed into that single cruel, malicious comment, so overwhelming and gnawing, he couldn't move. How could he have allowed it to roll away from his tongue, even to grow in his mind? She had always pierced so easily through the layers of aloofness he had set around himself. Had he wanted to hurt her back for what she had said? It seemed so. Her eyes had held anger and disgust, but the worse of all had been the betrayal. A foreshadow to the crushing one that would come one day.

Gohama confused him and Gohama scared him. Not herself, but what she represented to him, what she meant to him. That was a strong word and it didn't ease him at all, but it was the right one. Despite the long list to devastating nouns, guilt, regret, failure, deceit, fear, she also meant this odd feeling that swirled around in his stomach when he saw her, a genuine pleasure just by being with her, a weird motion that pulled him to her, and despite it being tainted, care. Kakashi did care about Gohama and he did like being with her.

Their civil conversation about truth had only reminded him of that with biting ache. The truce had lasted little, but it had been there. The glint in her eyes, hearty and alive, as she spoke of truth stirred that odd swirl, both warm and cold, in his stomach and chest. Naïve, she was so naïve and so honest. Of course truth mattered to him too, but Kakashi had learnt to quiet that troublesome, foolish crave of his. For all the jaded appearance Gohama threw at people she could be an idealist. And she had had to shove Thoreau at him.

Again, he had been ready to blurt out the truth to her, just so he could end this gnawing guilt and perfidy, this lie. Lie and fake. Still, his loyalty was to Konoha above all else. He was scum, she wasn't his teammate, not even his friend, but still he felt like the lowest, filthiest of scums. A fake.

Of course Gohama saw through it, he was a fake. The sharingan had given him his prestige and his power, but it was also a reminder of his failure, of Obito's death. It had been a gift, but it wasn't his, not truly. The chakra it demanded of Kakashi, almost as a leech, was proof enough of that. All his copied jutsu, all his geniality weren't his. He was a powerful and talented fake, but still a fake nonetheless. And not just as a shinobi. As a person too.

The laidback and aloof disposition were only a fake. His tardiness and excuses a fake. His indifference and impassiveness a fake. His own physical mask helped him fake a little better. All he showed to people was a fake. Sometimes he even forgot that wasn't really him. He was so deep into his faking, so secure in not being himself that it had started blending with his true person. He could no longer mark a line of what was acting and what was genuine.

His fake self was different from his truthful one, but he had such strength, such reality that he had muddled him with his real one. When had this started? What was real about him? Maybe he should learn with his own words and accept that even if part of him was fake, it was still real. Maybe he had been faking so perfectly that was who he really was now. People changed and grew, maybe what had started as a conscious effort had turned into his character.

Still, real or not, himself or not, he was a fake, a liar. Gohama had seen it so well. She had uncovered him even with his mask.

Kisamaru arrived outside and he let his fake slouch cover the tenseness in his muscles.

"Senpai, you should know that Hansuke and Gohama made a bet." When Kakashi showed no signs of answering, Hyuga continued. "For tonight. The team that gets more intel and quicker has their drinks paid for three days."

A long pause. He wanted him to say something. "It's reckless."

"I know, but Hansuke said we should change the teams and Gohama was offended by it. So she made a bet."

That made him frown. Gohama had been more than eager to get as far from him. Going even to the point of jinxing their team. "Offended?"

"Hansuke doesn't think she can be professional working with you."

He kept a dry chuckle down in his chest. With Kakashi there was always guilt and with Gohama there was always pride. Self-destructive forces for the both of them. Dazai's mission was proof of how far she would go, how much she would endure for her own pride, her own need not to show vulnerability and weakness. It was no wonder things were so fucked up between them. "What do you think?"

"She's usually indifferent to newcomers. She's definitely not indifferent to you, Senpai." That answer had taken a jump Kakashi wasn't ready for and he gave a sidelong glance to Hyuga. His clear, translucent eyes pinned on Kakashi's masked face. He could feel the knowledge that they already had and still they searched for more, prickling against the uncovered skin of his face. "What happened on that mission?"

All that forced conversation to lead to this. Ibiki would do wonders with a kid as he in Torture and Interrogation. "She wouldn't want me to discloser that."

"Even Nikato could see it was weighing on her the first months. Hansuke was dismissive about our concerns. Then, she disappeared and almost died from an overdose on soldier pills."

Kakashi grimaced at that, the words scrapping and shuddering in his mind. At the time, it had come out that the Kyura heiress had suffered from soldier pill abuse. ANBU were usually the ones that fell that low. Never a shinobi with a constant team that could keep tabs on overwork and exhaustion, much less one with the stamina Gohama had. She hadn't been with her team then, Hansuke would never let that happen, neither Hyuga who seemed to catch every little detail with those perceptive eyes of his.

She had been fine, considering the circumstances, when he left her and Hansuke on that hospital room. Gohama had been surprisingly open with her team leader, letting him support her and ease her. Kakashi had seen both their gentle and caring eyes, different from what one had for their teammate. He thought that would be enough for her. There had been no reason for him to linger with his support, for him to take on what her presence gnawed on him. He didn't know how Hansuke could endure it.

"Now, we learnt she had a chakra outburst. Why weren't you there when it happened?"

The kid wouldn't let it go. It was good that he worried, but the insistence was bothering him now. Everything about this mission was bothering him deeper than what he should let it. "The mission asked of me to be away."

"Why was she drugged and wounded?"

Kakashi turned his back to Hyuga and started walking away towards their objective now. "I can't answer that."

"She was raped." Hyuga stated.

It wasn't even a suspicion, he had realised it years before. The words made Kakashi's spin snap straight with a shudder, his sharingan burn with the forever saved image that let his chest expand with rage and shrink with sorrow. Kakashi didn't answer, he didn't even look at the kid, but he could still feel his dissecting gaze on his back, more seeing than the byakugan.

"Did you ra…"

Before he could finish, Kakashi had already fisted his collar in both hands, let his height tower over him and his sharingan spin freely, hot and ready, into those pale eyes of his. Hyuga tensed for a moment, but quickly he fell back into the same scientific gaze.

Kakashi pulled him up by his shirt. "How can you think that?!" His rough hiss running with horror and violence at such a thought about him.

"Then why did you disappear when she needed you?"

He let the kid go with a disgusted shove and turned away from him. Gohama hadn't needed him, not when he had been so deep in his own guilt, so deep in his self-disgust. She had had Hansuke and her concerned teammates. She hadn't needed _him_.

"She doesn't understand."

"Do you understand, Senpai?"


	38. IV - Chapter 8

Part IV | Chapter 8

* * *

"It's clear." Gohama whispered as her hand reached for the closet's doorknob.

When she finally got out, her muscles eased a little. She and Hatake were doing an excellent job of avoiding the tension between them and focussing solely on the mission. But it was painful and being closed off in a small closet, staring at the wall, avoiding the presence beside her crawling up her skin, while waiting for the enemies to pass by, hadn't helped at all. She just hoped the Copy-nin was as uncomfortable as she was.

The first storage room had high ceilings and ample walls. Stacked containers filled the room and were positioned to form corridors and sections with a number and letter attached to them. Gohama jumped up onto the first one and internally thanked them for not being locked. Inside were beautiful, expensive-looking kimono that glittered under the fluorescent lights. Her hand brushed down the fabrics and she grimaced at their disappointing touch.

"Counterfeits." Her finger glided the fake designer's brand. "Almost perfectly made."

Kakashi landed silently next to her. "How can you tell? They look real to me."

"The fabric's too cheap and the dye too. Smell it."

He sniffed and touched the kimono she brought up for him. "It feels soft and smells like new clothes."

"Trust me. Unfortunately, I was taught about good quality fabrics as a child." Gohama remembered Keiko-san and her maybe not so useless classes in decorum.

"You do seem good at spotting fakes." he quietly whispered, more to himself than her.

She realised how her previous comment had stung him and now it was stinging her back. "I…" Gohama started, but she couldn't bring herself to finish what would be the closest she could get to an apology. She had said those words to spite him. He had never showed himself to be a fake to her. Unreliable, yes, but it would only be hypocritical to condemn him for it. Gohama was the most unreliable person, especially to the ones she cared about the most. "…I think this must be how they fund their activities."

"Still, they're a medium sized syndicate, why would they need such capital?"

"Unless it isn't for them."

"Let's move to the other room."

They found more counterfeits, but the most worrying of all was the amount of weapons, enough to arm a small army and certainly too many for a criminal syndicate the size of them. The both of them left the theories blooming in their minds for later when the team could combine all the intel they would obtain.

Gohama's thoughts often jumped to her wandering teammates. There hadn't been any signals that they were caught, but her senses were constantly alert for any alarm, shouting, or fighting. It seemed almost inevitable that it would happen, but, as the minutes ticked, it never happened.

Their smaller two-person squad was working smoothly, which honestly surprised Gohama. Her resentment never left her and the tension was still glued to the air around them. Still, they hadn't fought and had nothing to fight about, seeing as they both agreed on what routes to take and steps to make.

They passed the dorm floor without searching it, since it was crowed at that time of night, and moved straight towards their last one. The offices. Except for a few lonely people still working, it was mostly vacant and so they sped through the empty rooms in search for information.

"Very corporative for a syndicate." Gohama commented, as they entered one of the main, larger ones.

Kakashi shrugged. "A criminal organization is just an illegal company."

Gohama lowered her chakra-powered hands onto the cold wood of the drawer. The locking seal was a meek, sloppy one meant mostly to be a façade for uninformed ninja than actual security. With a little tampering on the chakra flow of the seal, it crumbled. There wasn't even a need for a little puzzle solving on her part.

"Simple enough." she whispered to herself as she pulled the drawer open.

"Since when have you gotten so good at busting seals?"

"A compliment, Hatake?" Gohama mocked over her shoulder.

Inwardly she admonished herself at obliviously falling into an easy-going quip, just like the ones she used to throw at him. Her face snapped back to her hands rummaging through the papers. Still, she could feel his disconcerting gaze fixed on the back of her head, making the hairs at her nape stand. He was looking a lot at her this mission.

"I don't compliment, I state. Answer me." His voice as firm as his eyes.

"Why are you so interested?" Hers came out with the marked tilt of forced lightness.

"I suspect what your reasons were."

Why was he bringing this up after two fucking years of obvious evasion? What right did he have to suspect things concerning her ninja abilities when he clearly hadn't cared? Her hands searched the papers a little more forcefully, but Gohama never let it show on her words. "You should know the Kyura are esteemed fuinjutsu scholars. It's only natural I develop my knowledge in it."

He was silent for a few moments, until his gloved fist came to rest on the table and he leaned into it. His usual low drawls sounding right next to her ear. "It didn't happen because you knew little about seals, it was me—"

The snap of papers hitting wood cut him off, as Gohama pulled the interesting files out and spun around to face him. Her pretence was replaced with bitter and sharp words, as he wouldn't let the matter rest.

"I know it didn't happen because of that. His seal asked for his chakra. I wouldn't have been able to bust it with all the knowledge in the world." A harsh scoff. "Now you're bringing this up?"

"I needed to know you weren't torturing yourself over it." He explained quietly.

"It's been two years. I've stopped that a long time ago. But I suppose you couldn't possibly know that." Her hand searched behind her for the files and shoved them against his chest. "Now, be useful and memo—"

The familiar sensation of two very close chakra signatures trembled up her back. How had she missed them? Gohama yanked the papers back and pushed them into the drawer. Her hands grabbed the collar of his shirt and dragged him along with her, as she tried to cramp them into the small space between the wall and shelf.

"Gohama?" He asked in a mixture of confusion and amusement.

She raised a pointed eyebrow for his little act. He knew exactly why she had shoved herself against a wall and him to her. "Hide your chakra." She demanded in a whisper. "Have you hidden it?"

Kakashi pointed her with something between a glare and a pout. It made her smirk, the victory stretching her lips into a smile. "I can literally still feel it on my skin."

"Spot that." He hissed, his tone no less petulant than his eyes.

"I'm just glad the great Copy-nin isn't a genius in everything."

He shoved her in response, a mischievous glimmer in his eyes, and Gohama would have thrown him back against the shelf if they weren't inside an enemy compound, at the verge of being seen. Her hands moved to untuck his shirt, instead.

"Gohama?" He sounded genuinely uncertain now.

"I need to touch your skin directly so my own chakra won't spike."

Her hand pressed against his stomach, as she had done with Nikato. But before she could start the Kyura chakra suppression technique, he grabbed her wrist.

"It's better to use genjutsu."

"We can't know if they'll detect it or not. We're well hidden. Without chakra signatures, they'll never sense our presence. This has never failed me."

Kakashi gave her a long look, the clogs in his mind working behind his eyes. With his little grunt of permission, Gohama closed her eyes, focussing on the feel of her chakra and its surroundings. Pushing small, imperceptible strings of her own chakra into his pathways, she manipulated his flow. His muscles twitched and tensed under her palm and around her frame.

"It's weird." He commented with a strained breath.

"Good or bad weird?"

Kakashi didn't answer, only turning his eyes away from her. She slipped her hand away from his stomach and smoothed the shirt back down. It was quick, simple and reliable. They just had to keep silent and out of the ninja field of vision, which they were by being cramped up in the shadows.

The door opened and two chatting men entered, careless and a little tipsy. One waited by the door while another scrambled through the drawers near his desk. Gohama prayed he wouldn't go for the one she had busted open.

They could pull it off, but Kakashi was growing restless. The man was an elite ninja, couldn't he stand still for a minute? She was the one overheating from having his larger, burning frame pressed against her, she was the one that had to endure the quick and thankfully silent puffs swaying her hairline and tickling her forehead. At least, she could no longer feel his lightning chakra prickling her skin. Then he chose to hold his breath all together and Gohama grew self-conscious of his sensitive nose. She took a little sniff, but all she could smell was his biting scent. She knew he was disgusted with her, but was it so unbearable he couldn't fucking stay motionless?

"I could swear I'd left it here, the other day." The missing ninja's scruffy voice sounded with a hint of annoyance. "That shit's the best whiskey you'll ever have. Aged for— ah, here it is, the little bastard."

The nin read the label to his company and they both walked away from the office, shutting the door behind them. Gohama frowned when Hatake didn't pull away from her. He was still holding his breath, his muscles tense as stone and his eyes fixed on the wall beside her head.

"Kakashi?"

"Hmm?" He looked down at her and it made her very uncomfortable.

"Move."

He twitched back and bumped against the shelf. He cleared his throat and his hand came up to brush the back of his head. "Maa…" he started, but didn't finish saying anything else.

Her eyes narrowed at him as she took a step closer. The hurt circling through her veins agitated into anger, the resentment she had tried to bury for the sake of the mission fluttering up onto her skin again.

Dazai's treatment of her, she could rationalise. He had been a fucking sadistic pig, but Kakashi… That was what had been gnawing on her since she had first noticed he was avoiding her. How revolting she must have been to him, how weak and worthless…, if he, an elite ninja that had seen too much shit, would bother himself with evading her. It no longer mattered to her if it would hurt to know. Gohama had to know. She had to place that piece, which continued to threaten her balance whenever she allowed herself to remember it wasn't there, whenever she tried to fit one measured by herself in its place, always too tearing, always too cutting around the edges. Even if the piece he gave her hurt more, at least it would fit.

"Why did you disappear after the mission?"

Surprise shot through his eyes, quickly giving place to confusion and then to nothing. Gohama thought she could pull him from under there with the demand shouting out of her glare. Still, that infuriating mask of an expression stared back at her without showing her anything.

"Answer me, Kakashi."

"We're on a mission. Later." It was his commander tone.

Before he could move out from the gap between the wall and the shelf, Gohama pushed him back into his place. "Why?"

"Gohama..." Every syllable of her name a drawled out sound meant to stall, but she wouldn't let him avoid her this time. "You wouldn't under—"

A chocked out gasp cut off his words as she pushed a chakra-laden hand over his stomach, sure that it would mess with his own energy system. "Don't you fucking dare use that on me again." She growled a little too loud for their circumstances. "You coward, just answer!" This time she hissed under her breath.

She pushed more chakra into his core, using it to clash with his own around his pathways. His hand shot up to her wrist and locked it between his palm and the wall. The hold was painful and the leather of his gloves bit into her flesh. Gohama was ready to use her chakra to break free, but he saw through it and tugged her to him, his other hand grasping her jaw.

"We're on a mission."

The mask had come down, he was glaring back at her, his electric chakra shoving into her sensitive senses, menacing and dangerous, as it shuddered up her spine, and yet still so contained. What would it feel like if he let the wildness break loose? The thought made her stomach tremble in fear and excitement. It made her smirk. Just a little more and Cold-Blooded Kakashi would tear through the masks.

His fingers dug harder into her wrist, but Gohama didn't let her wince escape through her expression. "Hyuga and Hansuke are still inside the compound."

The dread that had chased her around the mission crashed back into her chest. With guilt, with so much guilt. It wasn't just a mission she was compromising, it wasn't just her and Hatake's lives, it was theirs too, Hansuke and Kisamaru. How could she have forgotten them so easily? And yet… she couldn't let this gnawing go, not when she had Kakashi where he couldn't run. They were inside an enemy compound after all.

"Is it because I disgust you?" Her voice left her lips in a pitiful whisper.

The violence left him as easily as it had done with her. His hold on her arm loosened and his gaze mellowed, even the sharingan looked soft. "What? Why would you think that, Gohama?"

She had to turn her face to the wall, using her hair to hide it. "I was disgusted with me, you could be too."

"No, never." The hand that held her jaw glided to her nape and coaxed her to look up at him. "You didn't ask for it. You were a victim, he ra—"

Gohama pushed his hands away from her. "Don't call me that." She spat. "It was a mission. I did ask for it. I chose to go to his room every single night. I was no victim, he was the one that ended up with his heart crushed. Crushed by me. Me."

"No. On the last night it was different, you can pretend all you want, but he threatened us. You couldn't have said no."

Taking a step back and shaking her head, she leaned against the wall. "What does that matter? Why are you even bringing this up? Do you want me to feel shittier than I did?" Outrage rose back on her tone, and she threw it at him in hushed whispers. "After more than two fucking years, suddenly you want to acknowledge it, to acknowledge me!"

"I never stopped acknowledging it, even if sometimes I wish I could—"

"And why do you wish it, huh, Copy-nin? What was so much more terrible than what you've seen before? What made you avoid me? What was it? Did you think I couldn't take it? I would be too broken for another mission? I would only be a burden for the great Copy ninja?"

"No, Gohama, it was nothing like that."

"Then what was it?"

"I didn't know you'd want me to... I thought you had Hansuke."

"He wasn't there. You were there, you—" With a shake of her head and bitter chuckle, she let the now unbelievable words out. "you actually looked out for me. And then just left when the duty ended."

"It wasn't because the duty ended."

"My biggest mistake on that entire fucked up mission was letting myself trust you." Gohama waited for any effect of her words on him, but they never had any. "And you don't even care… All I'm asking of you now is to tell me why, so just answer me truthfully. I don't fucking care what the reason is by now, I just need to know."

"There isn't a specific reason. I just started seeing you differently... and it frightened me..."

"Oh, so the great Copy-nin is frightened by a little twitch down his pants."

"It definitely was not that. I just couldn't handle how much you… terrify me, Gohama."

Her hand grabbed the arm's guard that hid her jinchuriki seal beneath. From all the possible reasons she had concocted in her mind, this was the most shocking. So shocking she had forgotten how to breathe. Suddenly that little shadowed space between the wall and the shelf was closing in on her. There was no satisfaction at having Kakashi of the Sharingan being terrified of her, no grand feeling of self-worth as a kunoichi, as a person. Only dread and fear, and loathing, always that loathing that she could never wash from under her skin, under her deepest cracks.

"Why?" She choked out.

Kakashi looked to her from his own self-pity and stepped forward to hold her biceps. "No, not like that, Gohama, not like that. It's not you, it's—"

He stayed silent for a long time and Gohama kept looking into his chest, trying to fight back the air she was drowning in. Kakashi shook her a little and she snapped out of herself. He had that open, defeated look Gohama remembered seeing on her apartment's couch years ago, after the Jonin Pre-admission fiasco.

He sighed, long and deep and resigned. "If you want the truth, you have to find it yourself, Gohama… As I always say, underneath the underneath. Everything you've known of me, everything you saw when I was with you, what you see now. What is it?"

All the masks were gone, his dark and red eyes open and honest and…"Guilt…" There was always guilt in him when he was with her. "But why?"

"Underneath the underneath, Gohama."

Gohama continued to search his intense eyes as they looked back at her, as they searched something on her own. "Kakashi… I…" she didn't even know what she wanted to say to him. But there was something, something that wanted to get out.

He hesitated on his feet, his face leaning towards hers. Then, he squeezed her arms and gave her one of his branded eye-crease smiles, but this time she was seeing both his eyes. "Let's focus on the mission, now."

They found documents about the members and recruits, the counterfeit and capital management, but nothing about Akatsuki. Gohama had started that mission with Akatsuki on her mind. Her hate was tingling up her body and now, with the frustration of having no new intel, it had grown into a full crushing wave of hate. The secret organization was indeed to remain secret.

She felt so tired of it all. She had hoped and feared with this mission and now only weariness was left and the target was still to be brought down. What was happening to her? Why was she so uncontrollable, so feverish and sensitive? Was it the dread that had taken hold of her heart and didn't seem to unglue itself from her walls.

At first, she thought it was the effects of their almost death, but it seemed something deeper, non-circumstantial. It seemed that something hidden in her was finally breaking free. Some frightening and threatening wave would break from her and through her. Would destroy everything and leave her empty. She could feel it in the tip of her mind, lingering with throbbing latency, the constant knock on a door asking to get out. She no longer knew if she preferred it to tear through and clean her of her uneasiness, or if the silent menace was best left unknown. For now, she just wanted out of it all. The building, the mission, herself.

* * *

Kakashi and Gohama had reached the meeting point before the other team. Free drinks would have felt feel better if the losers were sure to be alive. They had about 45 minutes until 01:00.

"Maybe they found something more interesting than we did." Gohama said more to herself than Kakashi.

"Maybe."

The air around them had lost most of its stale and tense weight, after Gohama had forced them to acknowledge everything that was behind it, giving place to awkwardness. Awkwardness was easier to deal with and especially easier to ignore.

He had given her the shadow of an outline for the piece, with time and patience maybe she could draw the right fit. But the mission was not the moment for that. She had already risked her team too much and she couldn't regret that. Their fight had finally eased the gnawing of not knowing, of her self-disgust. She had tried to hide Kakashi's avoidance inside her not-to-acknowledge box. It had worked, because she had forgotten it, but the weight had always been there for the last years.

This mission had ripped the box open and Gohama had known she couldn't keep it down any longer, not when Kakashi's sudden and constant presence had screamed at her to remember. Now, with the small taste of relief, Gohama had finally realised how much it had weighed on her and how good it felt to have a little of the weight free itself from her, even if it had come with weariness too.

Gohama sat on a tree branch, her leg dangling down its side, as she sharpened a pouch kunai. There was little care put into her movements, they served the need to do something, anything, to fill the empty uncertainty. The kunai would be terribly sharpened from her clumsy swipes, but she almost never resorted to them, choosing the fast method of summoning weapons directly to her hands.

Twenty minutes passed and she sensed Kisamaru's chakra along with relief. The speed was regular, he didn't seem injured. So why wasn't Hansuke with him. A terrifying thought took hold of her mind. What if he was, but no longer with chakra in him?

She jumped down and rushed towards the Hyuga. He was alone. "Why are you alone? Where's Hansuke?"

"Sensei stayed behind." he explained matter-of-factly.

"What? Why would you leave him there? What happened? Is he okay?"

"Sensei was okay when I left. He told me—" Kisamaru raised his hand bluntly, as Gohama frowned and opened her mouth. "Let me explain first, then you can act outraged. Sensei ordered me to leave the compound alone. We took more time than we thought, because our part was mostly the common area and it was difficult being stealthy. When we reached the offices, where they had the intel there was little time. We found Furuta's office. Twenty minutes would not have been enough to search it completely. Hansuke-sensei ordered me to leave him. He said there was no need in risking two lives, so I should escape before the safe interval ended."

"And you accepted that?" she whispered, accusation clear in her voice.

"I had no choice. Sensei pulled rank on me."

"He couldn't force you out. What does rank matter? He's your teammate and you left him alone!"

"It wasn't easy for me. We were both rational in the decision."

Kisamaru's emotionless voice was pushing on her. She tried to supplant the fury firing in her veins and chakra, but she couldn't. She didn't want to, even if Gohama knew it was a result of the fear taking over her.

"I know what you're thinking. Sensei doesn't want you to go. You have to stay. He made me make you stay."

"I can't."

The chakra-coated sole of her feet pushed hard against the ground and Gohama was running towards the compound. Kisamaru was faster with fighting moves, but slower when running. He wouldn't be able to stop her.

Right after the first steps, she crashed into a hard chest. "Get out of my way, Hatake."

"I'm team leader. You are ordered to stand your post."

She pushed him away with the help of chakra. "I don't care about my post."

He positioned himself in front of her again. He managed to grip her arms. Gohama began struggling, trying to fight his strength. She had to go. She had to go. She was ready to push him away with chakra again, until an electric shock spread from her wrists through her body. It made her legs numb and arms limp. Her knees caved but he held her. She didn't care about the burning pain under his hands.

Gohama tilted her head and looked at his impassive eye. "If he dies…"

"He won't die. He's done it hundreds of times for ANBU. I know you don't trust me, but trust him."

"But if he dies, I'll…"

"I was the one that stopped you. You blame it on me."

There was no typical eye-creased smile, only blunt authority. She let her head fall against his chest. Her whole body was shaking and aching from the fear and the lightning. Kakashi held her and made her sit against a tree.

"You should give her a look. It was a strong shock." he said to Kisamaru that quickly paced towards Gohama.

The green gleaming chakra illuminated the almost moonless night. The pain was alleviating. "You hurt your wrist." Kisamaru stated, but his sleek eyebrows were bunched.

Gohama looked at the purple bruises circling her skin, a clear imprint of a hand. That Hatake was a beast when he let it out. "It's fine." She made a show of rotating it, hiding her internal grimace at the pain. "Save nonessential healing for when we're back at the inn."

"I'm sorry I left him there, Gohama." Kisamaru couldn't keep his turmoil from his tone and she finally realised how difficult it must have been for him to leave Hansuke.

"No. I understand. I'm just… after the last mission…" her voice was strained in her throat "I'm…"

"I know."

He sat against the tree next to her, his shoulder pressed to hers and she smiled a little. Gohama leaned her head against his shoulder.

At 01:00 Nikato joined the team. They explained their waiting and he sat against the tree on the other side of Gohama, distracting himself with softening the creases of her black pants. Kakashi was up on a tree with his book drawn out.

The riots on Gohama's stomach grew heavier and more chaotic with every minute. Her heart wouldn't stop pounding, wishing to break free from the eating concern and fear. Her hands played with and dug the soil on each side of her.

She wanted to punch away the trunks and the ground, trying to relieve the tension building up, swelling to where there was no more space to swell. She kept flooding but with no overflow. She kept filling up but with no explosion. Would it ever come? If he died maybe. It would burst, she was sure. And she would burst with it.

How long had it been since their meeting time? It seemed too long. Too long to hope. Maybe it would be best not to hope. Would it even make things easier? Maybe if the pain and loss began now, then the tension would only drain out. She didn't really care. She just wanted Hansuke to be back. That stupid man. She just wanted him back. And with each passing second, his life seemed to fade away between their waiting fingers.

Her heart jumped and she jumped alongside her heart. The tension vanished with no trace of ever being there. Her sense searching for the hint of that familiar and steady chakra. There it was, earth, water and underlying fire. Flowing and alive.

"He's back."

Kisamaru activated his byakugan. "He's well."

Gohama's eyes finally caught Hansuke's silhouette. She couldn't wait any longer. With his sight, anger started replacing the lingering fear. As she reached him, her closed fists went for his chest, with weak, but steady blows. Her words following the rhythm of her hits. "You stupid, reckless man. Do you have any idea what you put us through? Stupid, stupid, fool of a man."

He chuckled with that annoying charming smile of his and gently held her wrists. "I know. I'm sorry. But it was worth it. I know where Furuta will be tomorrow and I know this syndicate serves to fund Akatsuki."

Kakashi, which now stood beside them, said, "Gohama and I already suspected that. We should get back to the inn and discuss our findings there." he started walking away and then turned back with a smile plastered on his eye. "Maa, don't forget you two owe us three nights of free drinks."

* * *

Back at the inn, a plan to bring down the compound was forged and the information they had gathered was sent out on one of Nikato's owls to Tsunade. Furuta Chin would be there from 3pm to 6pm. They would assassinate him first and then detonate the building with planted exploding tags. Nikato, Kisamaru and Hansuke would take care of the blast, Kakashi and Gohama of the target.

The uneasiness of a battle's eve was palpable. They wished goodnight to each other and set off to a possible last day of sleep. They were all casual and insensible to creeping death. As shinobi it was their threatening and unwanted companion.

Gohama closed the door behind her and leaned her back against it. Harsh lines carved her brow for the entire time they were discussing things for tomorrow. Now, in the privacy of their room, she could finally talk her mind.

"Why did you do that, Hansuke?" she hissed angrily, not wanting the others to hear their fight through the wall.

Hansuke's face showed an amused resignation for what he had already known was coming. It only irked her more. "For the mission, obviously."

"No amount of information is worth your life."

"Gohama, we're ninja." He said more softly, "The risk is always there."

"Don't you think I know that?" She breathed out and moved to lean on her hands against the kitchenette's counter, her back to him. "You didn't have to add up to the one already there…"

He stepped to stand behind her, his hand settled on her hip and pulled her gently against his front. The chakra flowing through the pathways on his skin swirled against her own. "Hansuke… I can't lose you… I won't bear it…"

"I understand, Gohama, you know I always have. It's not like I don't feel the same with you. I'm also scared of loss. I've been through it too."

"I know. But it's different."

"Of course, it's different, you've lost much more—"

"That's not what I mean… You're stronger than me, Hansuke. You've never let it take away your goodness, your life… your love…" She added quietly and gave in to his warmth.

"You're not the heartless person you think you are. You may not say it or even admit it, but you love Kisamaru and Nikato." He wrapped his arm more fully around her stomach. "And I know you love me, too, Gohama. So let that fear and grief go," he whispered gently against her neck, his lips softly teasing her skin "and love me."

Every nerve in her body tingled at his words and touch. She tilted her head and her lips searched for his. Hansuke spun her in his arms so he could kiss her more deeply and Gohama let herself be guided. When they pulled apart, panting for breath, she lunge herself towards Hansuke, wrapping her arms around his head and pressing her nose into his neck, drowning herself in his scent. He tenderly chuckled and held her lifted weight, his hand brushing her nape, the other grasping her waist tightly.

They kissed again, deep and with need, despair and love. Hansuke was so full of love and she let herself drown in it, because she loved his love for her. She needed it. She needed him.

Later, laying under the covers, embraced skin on skin, Gohama's restlessness seemed to ease away.

"You really scared me." she whispered, her fingers playing with the hairs in his chest.

"I'm here now."

"Now…" she repeated and looked up at him "I wish we could stay like this…" she trailed off.

"Forever?"

"Until we get bored."

He chuckled and pinched her hip. "How romantic, my love."

"It's realistic." Gohama lowered her gaze again, to the hand soothing the skin over his heart. She couldn't look at his deep loving hazel eyes. "Maybe I could do this whole thing well someday. But I don't want to give you hope."

"I like hope."

With a tender smile, she said, "Because you're a fool."

"Then marry this fool."

Her heart skipped at the bold words and her eyebrows shot up on her forehead. After the first shock at the sudden, almost sloppy, proposal, Gohama threw her head back and laughed. "Are you trying to scare me off? Is this your way of ending this?"

Hansuke chuckled too, but the seriousness of his proposal was clear and gleaming behind his eyes. "I'm not saying now, obviously. Someday..."

"I'm not even at someday, Hansuke…"

"I'll wait for you."

"What if I never get there? I'll only end up hurting you."

"It's my choice." He explained as his hand held hers to his chest and he playfully added, "And I have my dreams to keep me entertained meanwhile."

Gohama returned it with a cheeky smile. "Hmm, and what are these dreams about?"

"The typical. You in a white kimono, four little kids running around with your green eyes…"

Her heart pinched at the image painted in her mind, so happy and so unreal. "That's sweet…"

"It doesn't scare you off?"

"No. I like your dream, I'm just not sure it is for me."

"What about your dreams?"

"You know what it is."

"Besides honouring your Village. You have to have others."

But Gohama didn't, she had never had any other dream, not even as a child. Being the perfect weapon of Buki covered all her will and she was glad with that. It was who she was meant to be and it had more meaning than any other ridiculous, worthless thing she could ever wish to reach.

When she didn't answer anything and her attention continued focussed on playing with the hairs at his chest, Hansuke coaxed her to look at him. "You can start now, with me."

They shared a long meaningful look. Gohama's heart felt like both bursting and flying. It frightened her, but Hansuke was real and alive. Yes, he was alive under her fingertips, his life pounding, strong and moving, alive.

"I dream we'll be like this tomorrow, in your bed, back at home." The small smile on her lips withered. "Is it enough for you, Hansuke?"

"Yes." He answered with that softness he always had for her.

"I don't understand… How can you take it? How can you not resent me, Hansuke…"

"I just don't. There's no big thing behind this. I love you, Gohama, and whatever you give to me is enough." He kissed her forehead and brought her closer to him. "It's simple."

* * *

"Gohama."

"Hansuke."

"I love you."

"Fuck." Kakashi whispered under his breath.

"Indeed."

His head snapped out of the pillow to look at Kisamaru. "You know?"

"For a while now, but Nikato doesn't. They usually aren't this reckless, especially not on missions. It is understandable from a psychological point of view. Faced with the fear of death, an individual's reproductive instin—"

"Stop there." Kakashi cut off the medic-talk. "I definitely don't need to hear any explanation from any point of view. The live show was more than enough."

Kakashi plopped back onto his futon with a long, tired sigh, as a hand rubbed his face and hair. He was starting to regret not leaving the room sooner. It had been so unbearably uncomfortable Kakashi's muscles were still tight as uncoiled springs. A masochistic side of him had made him stay when he should have left right after his brain caught up to the meaning of the stifled sounds coming from the other room. Then a perverted side of him, the one that ravished the nastiest parts of _Icha Icha_, had supplanted the discomfort with a morbid, cursed curiosity.

He cursed his sensitive dog hearing. The wall hadn't been enough to muffle the sounds and he definitely had not needed to learn what types of sounds Hansuke made. Especially not Gohama's feminine ones. Hers were engraved into his memories now. He could still hear them echoing through the walls of his ears, breathless and rich. His perverted mind still supplying un-washable images behind his eyelids to accompany them.

He felt sick, disgusting. He truly regretted not leaving sooner. And he was starting to regret not leaving now. Kakashi needed fresh air and a glass of something cold and biting.

"She doesn't love him." Hyuga whispered sadly and it pulled Kakashi out of his self-admonishment. "She doesn't love anyone."

Kakashi had thought the kid was smart, but even the byakugan couldn't pierce through some shields. The pleading look, full of fear for Hansuke's life, she had given him earlier that night was not the look of a woman who didn't love.

"Hansuke knows what he's doing." Of this, Kakashi wasn't so sure. It was obvious Hansuke was madly in love with Gohama, but he usually was a bit of a fool when it came to that. Before Gohama there had only been Yugao and his grave mistake of following her onto ANBU ranks. Mistake that now could cost him what he wouldn't give up. Mistake that Kakashi had ordered him to make when he had known Hansuke was too good to make for himself.

After adjusting the front of his pants, Kakashi stood up and equipped himself with his pouches. When his hand reached for the doorknob, Hyuga's voice sounded from the silence. "They're doomed."

Without answering, Kakashi twisted his wrist and pushed the door open. He hadn't needed Hyuga to confirm what was already a certainty in his deep, hidden box of doomed things he didn't want to think about. What he needed was fresh air and a glass of something cold and biting.

* * *

Gohama always did have a knack for robbing him of the best spots. It was the same as on that night on top of the Hokage Mountain, minus the cover of white fluffy snow. Her dark hair falling down her back, onto her green Kyura haori, knees bent and arms wrapped around them. This time Kakashi also hesitated in his steps. Then, he had tried to comfort her the same way she had comforted him when he stood at the memorial stone on the anniversary of Obito's death. He had failed miserably.

Gohama turned her profile to him, as he hesitated between jumping from the window onto the roof. "I won't bite this time." The slight condescendence of her voice going against her own words.

It was a clear invitation and it passed his decision onto her. "Yo." he greeted as he plopped down beside her. She reeked of Hansuke and sex, her underlying feminine scent almost drowned under the sharp smell. He twirled a bottle of sake. "Brought a heater."

"Is this a peace offering?" She asked, her green eye peeking from its corner, and the eyebrow arching in banter.

"Something like that."

Her hand yanked the bottle from his hold. "I'm only taking it because I'm cold."

"Aren't this summer temperatures for you?"

"I've gotten soft." Her tone a little too quiet for their line of conversation.

"I remember freezing my ass off in the snow and you weren't even shaking."

Instead of answering, Gohama drank. Her throat rippled as she took long sips and a bead of sake rolled from the corner of her mouth down her chin. When she dropped the bottle, she gave a long sigh and smacked her red, glistering lips. "This sake's shit." She stated as she passed it to him.

Kakashi chuckled, his eyes following the clear bead as it glided down her jaw and neck. Gohama didn't appear to care about it. "You seem to like it well enough." The sake was indeed shit but drinkable, and most important it had been cheap.

The bottle rose to his masked lips. "Ew. Don't drink it like that."

"Hmm.", was his answer as he kept on drinking.

"I'm serious. That mask is an accumulation of spit, germs and now sake. It's disgusting."

Kakashi made a long mocking sigh of satisfaction when he was finished slurping. "It's not like your drool is much better."

Gohama huffed at his insult, but her displeasure quickly turned into cheekiness. "You could just take it off."

"You could just not drink."

She pushed his shoulder with her own. "You're no fun, Copy-nin."

This was nice. It had been too long since they had thrown innocent banter back and forth. It left an aching, uncomfortable feeling in his chest. Not regret, it was softer and at the same time just as stinging. His tongue played around inside his mouth, trying to catch the little glimpse of what he was feeling. Kakashi had always preferred to run and hide from the motions that swirled inside him, but this time he wanted to name it. It made him almost forget why he had chosen to avoid her. It made all the sensible reasons for getting far away from her crumble.

"Missing." He whispered to himself and the words synchronised with the ache in his chest.

"Did you say something?"

Kakashi could feel the blush contained by his mask at being caught in such a stupid slip of his tongue. "Maa," he started, while brushing the hairs at his nape. "just old man ramblings."

Instead of mocking him, Gohama gave him an understanding look. "Are you worried? About tomorrow?"

The unrelated question helped him understand why Gohama had come to stay out here in the cold tile of the roof when she should be in bed with Hansuke. She was scared.

"Not really. This time I'll be there."

Knowing that Gohama would be in his squad, pacified any possible trepidation, even if he trusted Hansuke. After Dazai, just the thought of being in the dark again brought that dread back to the surface. His reassurance didn't seem to calm her.

"Your problem isn't being there during missions. It's the afterwards." The muted comment pierced deeper than if she had shouted at him with the bitterness of accusation.

Kakashi listed the reasons for being an asshole silently in his head, repeating them, marking them into the doubt and regret stirring in his guts. This mission kept shoving all the ways he had hurt her into his eyes. He had broken her trust, which was the shittiest thing to do to a shinobi. Yet, it was better to have done it then, when it was not solid and rooted, when it was only the result of a fucked up mission, than later.

The growing regret was his sentimentality ruling, not his reasonability. And sentimentality could be even shittier for shinobi. His sentimentality would be even shittier for Gohama.

"Gohama…"

"I hate to admit it to you, even to myself. I hate how it hurt me. I hate how weak it made me feel. But I really needed you after Dazai and you just left. You proposedly avoided me."

His head was cast down as his nails picked apart the label of the bottle. She had been in a vulnerable, painful time and he had chosen that moment to get away. He had thought she hadn't needed him because he didn't want her to need him. Maybe it had only been out of selfishness. Maybe all his reasons in favour of Gohama had been a mask to cover the real, selfish reason for avoiding her.

What good had it done to her? He had really hurt her. She had believed she disgusted him and that made him disgusted with himself. It pierced through his chest, stabbing and cold. Kakashi should have borne the guilt, should have borne his own deceiving, so he could be there for her. It had been self-preservation only, it had been selfish all along.

"Why didn't you come to me? Why did you let me avoid you?"

"Really, Kakashi?"

Of course Gohama would never come to him, the question sounded stupid even to himself. Pride had high, thick walls meant to protect. He had given her a blow after she let a little gap open for him, when the mission had forced her to, she would never have let them down again for him.

"That fucking mission…" He groaned.

"Yeah, that fucking mission..."

"Gohama... I tried to find another way to kill him, I told you we—"

"I know, okay? I know. But I needed it. I needed to know I could do it. But I couldn't, it wasn't me..."

"Are you talking about the chakra explosion? It was you, it was your chakra." Gohama didn't answer, she only turned her face away from him, using her hair to cast a curtain over it. "Do you regret it?" He asked with hesitance, his voice a shy whisper.

She gave a bitter chuckle. "Depends on my mood. Most days I don't, it earned me too precious information. But some days..."

"Some days it comes back up." He continued what he knew she was thinking. It made her look back at him, her green eyes with a warmer, understanding shade to them. "You're not over it."

"Of course I'm not over it. I'll never be over it, just like I'll never get over when you memory interrogated me, or Danzo's ordered torture, the first time I killed someone, the massacre. It's the life we chose. I've accepted it a long time ago."

Still, acceptance didn't ease the pain, nor the cruelty.

"The sharingan… I have that image of you stored in my mind and I'll never get over that, much less forget it."

He could still see it behind his eyelid. Every single detail, every single little cut, bruise, drop of blood. The smell of sweat and sperm, and of Gohama being engulfed by Dazai's. Her heartbeat, her ashen skin, covered in red and purple. The purple hand mark encircling her neck. That beautiful green kimono dirty and tainted, opened to show him what he had let Dazai do to her.

"I regret... leaving you after it. I can see how selfish it was, now. I'm sorry, Gohama."

"Okay. I accept your apology."

"No, what I did isn't forgivable. Those who leave their teammates behind are worse than scum."

"First time I heard you say your famous quote."

"It's not mine..."

"I didn't forgive you, by the way. But… Genma is definitely suffering more from this than any of us. He was the only one to ask me about it."

"He asked me too. He thinks we slept together."

"Of course he does. In his mind sex is always the answer. When we get back to Konoha, if things go back to normal, then maybe I'll forgive you. But not yet."

Should he let things go back to before? He liked being with Gohama, but the deceiving was always looming over them. It felt so wrong, everything about her coming to Konoha felt so incredibly wrong. Would he be looking after Gohama's or his own preservation now?

"Why would you?"

"I've never been very good with resentment, which I suppose isn't really a bad thing. Besides, I think I know why you did it and I can't really blame you for it. It's this life. Only some can go through it without getting fucked up."

"So you're saying I'm fucked up?"

"Definitely. You read porn in public, that's the weirdest kink I've seen so far. Traumatising really."

"What's you kink? I don't think I've seen one."

She offered him a sly smirk that made his heart stop and then speed away. "It's not for public places." She stopped and reconsidered, with a cheeky tilt to her head. "Usually."

The sleeve of her haori rose as she extended her arm to him to grab the bottle. Underneath, the purple shade of a bruise circled around her wrist. Noticing his gaze, Gohama's fingers fished for the hem, closing the fabric around her fist and she rested her arm between her legs and stomach.

"Don't go into another frantic episode." The fatidic night he always tried to forget after the Jonin pre-admission fiasco. He had been so much drunker then than now, but the guilt was almost the same. "I wasn't doing any nicer things to your pathways."

It didn't matter what she had done to him. Kakashi was always aware of his own strength, always had a tight grip on his control. Gohama knew how to crawl under his skin. "Why didn't you ask Hyuga to heal you?"

"There was no need for him to waste chakra. It's a bruise not a broken bone. It looks bad because I'm pale. I doesn't even hurt."

"It hurt then." Before she could argue back and start another fight, Kakashi ordered, "Just get that healed."

Surprisingly that made her chuckle. "Okay, but just because I'm not going down that road again."

He let out a dry, almost desperate chuckle. "You're never going to drop that night, are you?"

"Of course not, it was surreal." She exclaimed with wonder, but her tone quickly softened as she looked at his profile. "It was the first time I actually saw you, not what you show other people…"

"A fake, right?"

"No, not a fake, just another mask." Her green eyes, dark in the night, turned to look in front of them. "I'm worse, you know. I'm a Konoha kunoichi with a Buki hitai-ate."

"How is that worse?"

"Because it's only half of both. I don't know how to be more than a half. I don't even think I can be more than a half." Her hopeless, sad tone fell heavy between them.

Kakashi was sure that if Gohama looked at him, he would see the lost green eyes of that little girl on that fatal night so many years ago. The piercing cold was back on his insides, but there was always sweet treacherous hope. His hope that always reached for the ones he cared about and never for himself. Even if it felt delirious, he believed the words, the promise, ready to spill from his mouth.

But Gohama caught up to her vulnerability before he could offer any type of sloppy comfort. With a curt, forced chuckle, she said, "You also stole my first kiss that night. So, yeah, I wouldn't forget that."

That new piece of information hit as hard as a kick to the guts, throwing his mind away from her gut-clenching comment before, which had been exactly its purpose. "Fuck… Gohama… I'm so sorry."

She laughed at his more than awkward stuttering. "It wasn't so bad, at least until you shoved your tongue down my—"

A loud painful groan ripped from his throat, as his head slumped down. Tsukate would beat the fucking shit out of him if he ever found out he had kissed his at the time probably seventeen-year-old niece.

"I'm just kidding, Kakashi. It's just a kiss, I don't care. Definitely not as much as you did. That was what spurred your little rambling moment."

"Please, spare a little of my dignity, Gohama."

"But I'm having so much fun." She whined, a feigned pout clear on her lips.

Then they were silent, only the quiet sounds of the night and the stars above them making them company. There were still so many things he wanted to tell her, but even Kakashi wasn't sure what they were. The words swirled inside his chest and he kept them down. Gohama had changed in these years. She had taken down part of the barrier around herself and he had seen it in today's conversations. Kakashi should be glad for it, but he couldn't. Hyuga's words rang loudly, accurate and looming, "They're doomed.".

"So… We have a mission tomorrow. Better at least pretend to get some sleep." Gohama slapped her thighs and stood up.

Before she could disappear through the window, Kakashi called, "Gohama," she turned back with a small smile. "I also… needed you, then, after… you know."

Her smile spread across her lips, wider and warmer, and she nodded before jumping over the attic's windowsill.

Fuck.

* * *

_I really enjoyed writing Gohama and Kakashi's interactions in this chapter, hope you enjoyed them too. _

_We're at 40 followers, that's amazing! Also, t__hank you for the new reviews, lovely readers, I truly appreciate it. Please, keep them coming. _

_As always, thanks for reading and be safe. _


	39. IV - Chapter 9

Part IV | Chapter 9

* * *

A tender breeze ruffled small strands of hair that tingled her forehead. Gohama watched as a few leaves swirled around the empty street. It was a quiet day in the small town in which they were staying and, if it weren't for her mind rioting against her head and imminent mission, it could have been a peaceful lunch on that shadowed restaurant terrace. The ideal place for hanging out with her team and Kakashi, the ideal place for a sluggish lunch as Nikato chatted their ears off and Hansuke talked a few words in between the ginger's constant babbling. Gohama had lost sense of the conversation a long time ago, Nikato's eager voice only serving as white noise, comforting in its normality, as her thoughts fired and burst in a current that she couldn't order.

Even that stupid mission from two years ago had joined the bundled mess. All thanks to Kakashi's words last night. Gohama had come to terms with what had happened. Dazai had fucked her up but she had won in the end. The certainty that she had won served as a balm against all the hurt he had caused her, but now Kakashi had almost spilled that word, full in vulnerability, violation and defeat, she didn't want to hear. Her edified two year work, so stout before, had almost crumbled down just from a single syllable, "ra—". At least, she hadn't let him finish. Hearing it would make it real and as long as it wasn't real she would always be the victor on that mission.

Now, hers and Hansuke's mess of a relationship had also come to make chaos in her mind. They were at an impasse where she would have to either jump over the abyss or turn back around and run away. Ending things would make a mess of their team to the point where she would have to leave it. Becoming public would force her to leave them too. Either way she would lose, not only Hansuke, but Nikato and Kisamaru too. Gohama wasn't ready for neither step, but somehow the jump seemed the worst one. No matter how much she tried, Gohama would ever be full in their relationship. Her heart had no more space.

They could also pretend, as they had done since the beginning. Pretending well enough was safe and uncomplicated, but it was a lie, a stale, coward lie. It wasn't fair for Hansuke. Nothing about their relationship was fair for Hansuke.

The final step of the mission was two hours away and her entire mind was prisoner of stupid, careless, dangerous worries that didn't belong on a S-rank.

What was wrong with her?

It was the disquiet. The disquiet that had always dwelt deep inside of her, hidden and buried and almost non-existent as she had made it so. But Gohama could no longer stop it from leaking in between her crevasses, from crawling, poisonous and chilling, from her core into her veins, nerves and lungs, as it reached her skin. It had been so discreet, so treacherously gradual, she hadn't sensed it until it was freezing all her flesh.

What had made it stir? Her coming to Konoha four years ago? The constant cold face of death? The raw fear of losing her new precious people? A new misplaced piece that Kakashi's guilt had always screamed was there, but she hadn't listened. Now it screamed again, but she couldn't pin point which one it was, or even if it existed. Her life wasn't built into an ordered shape, but every chaotic or missing arrangement had their rightful and explained place. But not that piece.

Gohama had already decided to leave it quiet until after the mission. Still, it loomed and fought for dominance against all her other worries.

Her spirit was marked with the eerie feeling of the whistle of a firework bound to explode with no warning, or a storm hoarding in the sky ready to burst over the earth at any moment. The anxious anticipation for an unknown and violent release that would either wipe out or clean all. She felt like a caged bird sensing an earthquake and nowhere to escape.

A soft voice brought her back to the table. "You should eat something, Gohama. We have a mission." Hansuke said pushing the plate closer to her and careful enough so the others wouldn't notice their exchange.

She gave a flimsy glance at the others and her eyes caught Kakashi's aloof eye on her. He had stared so often into her that Gohama's senses had become used to the weight. Hadn't their conversations satisfied whatever he was searching for? With a slight narrowing of her eyes that made him look away, she turned down to her plate. Hansuke was right and, to ease his concern, she forced the probably tasty food down her throat. Her stomach didn't seem pleased, but her body would be thankful for it later.

* * *

Gohama was dressed in a tight-fitting elastic t-shirt and tight black pants. The fitted fabric would make less noise. On her ankle was hidden her tanto and her back held the empty sheath for her tachi. She pulled and secured the leather glove, with uncovered fingers, that almost reached her elbow. She ceremoniously tapped its metal protector with her knuckles. It replaced the lighter forearm guard she always wore as a means to hide her jinchuriki seal. This time, she took her Buki hitai-ate from her waist and wrapped it around her bicep.

"I love you in assault clothes." Hansuke commented. Gohama looked over her shoulder to find him leaning against the bathroom doorframe and admiring her as she secured her straps.

She turned fully towards him with a smirk. "You don't look so bad yourself, Suke."

Gohama walked towards him, her arms extended to wrap around his neck, but a firm hold around her waist kept her from breaking their distance. "You weren't up last night because of what I said?"

Her arms dropped away from him. She really didn't want to have a conversation about her sleepless night now. "No."

"Just talk to me, Gohama…" Frustration was dripping from his tone. He already knew she was going to shut him away. "Is it the mission? Is it Kakashi? Akatsuki? Us?"

"It's nothing."

"Nothing, Gohama? Nothing? You've been acting weird all this mission. First I thought it was because of Hatake, but things seem better now and you're still weird. It's not nothing."

Gohama pulled away from his hold and moved to leave the room. "Can we not do this right before the crucial part of our S-rank mission."

His hand pushed the door back closed over her head. "If not now when? When we go back to Konoha and you've already managed to bury whatever is bothering you? You're such a hypocrite sometimes. You always ask me to talk to you, to be honest and open and even after four years you can never come to me."

Her closed fist stretched the leather of her glove and Gohama spun around on her feet to face him. "Maybe I don't come to you because you never listen, Hansuke."

His eyebrows shot up in outrage. "I never listen? All I do is listen!"

"No. You listen to what you want to listen to. I've told you this so many times but you never fucking listen. You're doing it right now, Hansuke, forcing this discussion on us when I'm asking you not to, when it won't do us any good now."

"I'm only doing this because it's the best for you."

Gohama let out a dry chuckle. "No, you _think_ it's the best for me, but it isn't. See what I'm talking about? You always do whatever you think it's best for us and for me, but you never listen to what I think. Now can you just quit it, so we can focus on assaulting and blowing up an enemy compound and assassinating a fucking S-rank nin?"

"So it's the mission, isn't it? You're scared. Gohama, you don't have to worr—"

She sighed and rolled her eyes. "Hansuke, don't start with the unfounded, foolish reassurance."

"Don't be mean when I'm just trying to help."

"But it doesn't help! At all! Where's your listening, Hansuke? I'm tired of you always pushing, always nagging me."

"It's called worrying about you, Gohama."

"Why can't you just give me space?"

"Space?!" His fist hit the wall and she jolted away. "Really, Gohama? Do I not give you enough space? You won't even let me touch you in public, isn't that space!?"

"I can't believe you're bringing this up right now…" She mumbled as her fingers rubbed the bridge of her nose. "I never deceived you, Hansuke. From the start I told you what you were in for. Every time I give you a way out and every time you keep staying. You chose this, it makes you a fool, but it's always your choice."

"Yes, I chose and I keep choosing, but all I'm asking is that I'm not the only one compromising in this relationship."

"I also compromise. I need my team leader right now, I need my teammate and you can only be my lover, Hansuke. And it's amazing when we're alone and left in peace, but that's not our life, that's just little breaks. My life is this, the field, the survival, the duty, and I need my teammate above all, but since we're together all you can be is my lover. I had to compromise my teammate for us."

"You're so unfair, Gohama! We work well together as a team, I never stopped being your teammate."

"Last mission, when we were almost dying, who did you run to, Hansuke? I made you promise you'd put them before me, but you—And don't tell me it was because I needed assistance more than them. We both know that wasn't the reason. Fuck, even they know!" Her arm extended to point to the bedroom wall they shared with the boys. "They also need their teammate, Hansuke, their sensei."

"Gohama, where are you going with this…"

"I'm not going anywhere. I still want to be with you, I never stopped wanting that, but you… I'll never resent you, if you leave and find a woman that deserves you, Hansuke, that's on the same page as you, that wants to build a future with you and… loves you. But I also don't have it in me to leave…"

"We have a future together, Gohama." She rolled her eyes. Marriage wasn't a future together if he was the only one wishing for it. "Our dream of going back home, being on our bed, together." Her eyes shot up to his, as he gazed down at her, tenderly and lovingly, not a drop of anger or resentment in his hazel; it ached. She did want that. "That's all the future I want, Gohama, because it's with you. It's simple."

Hansuke was a fool and Gohama was too selfish and that was what kept them together.

"We were both such fools in the beginning. It's not simple. You know it's not simple, Hansuke. It never was." She turned on her heel and reaching for the doorknob, before he could say anything else. "We have a mission, Taicho."

* * *

"Give me your stomach."

Kakashi frowned and tilted his head, as he took a step closer to her. "That sounds very weird." She didn't answer, only reaching her hand to press it over his chakra core and manipulating his vital energy into hiding. "You know… I understand that it's a clan technique but… are you open to teaching it to me? No pressure. Just a request, I suppose."

Gohama slid down the closet's wall and rested her head against it. They would have to wait at least two hours for her team to lay the explosives in that tiny closet, just because they didn't want to risk two squads breaching the compound at different times.

"Only if you ask properly." Kakashi's answer was to frown confusedly at her. "The magic words, Kakashi."

"Maa, what are these magic words that can break even Kyura Gohama's stubbornness?"

She narrowed her eyes on him. "Didn't your mother teach them to you?"

Her joke fell heavily in the quiet, packed closet. He looked away from her, to some lost point above her head, and she looked down and away, so that her hair fell over her face. But she was wearing a braid this time and the blush from her misstep was clear to him if he decided to look.

Gohama knew very little about Kakashi, she couldn't have known his mother had died that soon in his life, but still… what a stupid thing to say to a shinobi. It was always safer to assume everyone was dead until proven otherwise. And considering there was no other Hatake besides the man sitting in front of her, it was obvious he had no family left.

"My father did." There was clear surprise in her eyes when she met his creased one, the mask at the corners of his mouth creasing too. His words were subtle and open, they made her smile back. "But I was too much of a brat to actually learn."

Gohama chuckled. Of course, Kakashi had been a brat as a kid. "You can start now."

"You're actually making me say it." She offered him a cheeky nod. "Can you teach me how to hide my chakra…" He cleared his throat and chocked out almost silently, "please."

Her smile spread into a full, satisfied grin. "It could be better but I won't torture you anymore. I'll teach you, with one condition."

When she didn't specify, he asked, "What do you want, woman?"

Her finger pointed to his hitai-ate. "Use that freaky eye on me."

"Usually people want to stay as far away from the freaky eye as possible."

"I've always been curious about the sharingan."

"Curiosity killed the cat."

"I doubt you'll try to kill me with it, killing a comrade is usually very frowned upon in Konoha. So, will you do it?"

"The sharingan is a weapon not a toy."

"Then I should be prepared for when I fight against the most powerful weapon, don't you think so, Copy-nin?"

"Ah, more powerful than the Kyura chakra, then?" He teased.

"My pride doesn't affect my sense of reality."

Something about his expression made her certain he disagreed, but before Gohama could defend herself, he spoke, "Okay."

"It's not a clan technique, by the way. Shinobi with great chakra control can learn it by themselves; it's just easier when there's someone to teach you when you're young."

The minutes passed by as they waited, while playing twenty-one questions. With the first hour came the buzzing of their radio earpiece and it made Gohama's heart jump. Hansuke's voice spoke distorted with static. The first two sets of exploding tags had been laid, two more to go.

"Is it behind me?"

"Yes."

Her head rolled against the cold wall. "Surface?"

"No."

"Obstacle?"

"No."

Her eyes skimmed through the wall again and her fingers pressed against it, taking in every little detail. It was a banal wall. "Irregularity."

"Only three left."

"Fissure."

"Nope."

"Fuck."

"Also no."

"Shut up, Hatake. Corner."

"No. One more."

"Texture!"

Kakashi chuckled and his eye crinkled in a smile, as he spoke his firm and slow, "No. You lose. Again."

Her foot kicked his boot. "Shut up. What was it?"

Cockiness exuded out of him and he took his time relishing in his victory. She kicked him on the shin. "Wall."

"Are you serious, Hatake? You go from harmony, to fuchi, which shouldn't count because I didn't even know that thing had a name, to density and then wall." She chuckled and shook her head in dismay. "Fucking wall."

"I know how to play the game."

"I know too. Go ahead, I've thought of a thing."

"Maa," Kakashi started as he pulled his book out of his back pouch. "we've played enough."

Gohama's jaw tightened. She couldn't bear an entire hour of silence and emptiness ready to be filled with worrying thoughts. Her fight with Hansuke was still fresh in her mind, supplanting most of her lunchtime worries, except for the constant twitch of her muscles to every little sound, as her mind invented the shrill of an alarm.

"One more." He continued to look down at his _Icha Icha_, changing a page with mocking nonchalance. "Then let me read." Another turned page and one of those creepy giggles. "Read it out loud." He continued to ignore her with that trained easiness he used on everyone, including herself for two years. "Kakashi. _Please_." The word left her throat with the same spat choke as before with him.

This time his grey eye looked up from the page, almost as piercing as Kisamaru's byakugan. It was clear now, he had heard her fight with Hansuke. Gohama knew Kisa knew, but now also did Nikato. They knew of their failure of a relationship. "I'm bored."

"This is an S-rank. Stop whining and keep your senses sharp. You're our sensor."

Gohama kept the indignation down. She knew he was right. This was a mission, light games to pass time where one thing, actively searching a distraction from another distraction was another thing.

And so they stayed silent. The excruciating whisper of a firework tearing through the air, never ending, as she waited for the explosion to come as the sound of an alarm. The radio crackled in her ear and she jerked. "One more set to go. No problems so far. You can start moving." Hansuke's voice said.

"Copy that. Over."

Her finger moved on its own as it pressed the small button on her neck. "Be careful, Suke."

"You too, Gohama." That softness he always had with her reaching deep into her chest. "Over."

Her head rolled back on the wall as she shut her eyes to rub them. When had things become so fucked? After a long heavy sigh, Gohama stood up, ready to leave that cramped up, stuffy closet. Her chakra sense had already told her there was no one near a 200 meters radius.

Before she could twist the knob, Kakashi said behind her. "You're not a half, Gohama. I've seen you with your team and your friends. And you're definitely not half Buki."

But she was half Konoha. Her fingers twitched to the vial of antidote on her thigh pouch, right next to the poisoned senbon. Once they were outside Furuta's office, a path of perfected stealth behind them, her team at a safe distance of the compound and the explosives ready to blow out the building, her fingers twitched again, ready to reach for the vial, as her other hand tightened around the poisoned senbon. Furuta was hers and she needed him alive. Kakashi was right in one thing, Gohama wasn't half Buki.

Kakashi rested his hand on the doorknob and looked straight at her and she looked back. When the lock in the door clicked, they were already inside the office, senbon tearing through the air. With dry thuds and the ringing of metal, they fell on the table. Kakashi didn't let the block of their surprise attack stop his momentum, as he flickered behind Furuta, who met the deadly swings of his kunai with one of their senbon. Gohama was ready to assist her teammate, when he was thrown against the wall.

A gush of air made her dark strands tickle against her cheeks, as an icy brutal chakra thrust through the nerves of her front. Before she could avoid Furuta, he already had a tight grip on her hair and a senbon pressed to her throat. His two clear blue eyes, almost milky, almost blind, shone with crazed amusement, curiosity. They sent shivers crawling down her spine, but she didn't take her defiant ones way from the madness lurking in, jumping out of the light blue to catch her.

"You won't kill me."

The corner of his thin lip twisted. "No. But I will do other things." The point of the senbon bit her skin. With a fluid twirl of his fingers, he laid the metal on the flat of his tongue, swiping it through her drop of blood. Furuta neared her ear, his high timber shrieking inside her head as he whispered, "Better things."

Why did the completely deranged ones always have a thing for tormenting her? With a renewed need of being far away from him, she summoned a kunai onto her hand and tried to stab him before the senbon could near her throat again. In response, he moved away, freeing her from his hold. Kakashi was attacking him again immediately. Gohama joined him, matching their skill with his speed.

Her senses trembled with the feel of several signatures. "There are others approaching."

Without hesitation, Kakashi pressed the button on his radio-set. "Blow it." he ordered.

Gohama snapped her eyes to his. It was obvious Furuta unsettled Kakashi just as much as he did to her, but this would ruin her chances of interrogating him.

"Copy." Came Hansuke's steady voice before she could intervene.

In a second, the echo of a loud blast reached them. The building shook, but she didn't ease her blows on Furuta. Kakashi grabbed her arm, just as another explosion rocketed through the walls, this one closer. Uproar broke outside the office and the chakra signatures kept on moving towards them, but their chaos was clear. Gohama spread chakra through the surface of her bicep just as Kakashi started manhandling her, and with a hiss he pulled away.

Another explosion, violent and close and terrifying. She formed a chakra field around her teammate and threw him out the window. Her arms imprisoned Furuta against her chest with a chakra-powered grip, her senses making sure it was his full chakra on her flesh. It was. She circled them both with another blue shield of energy and jumped out the window, just as the last explosion hit the foundations of the building. The blast shoved them in the air and, even with her chakra cover, they fell hard on the ground, the entire weight of the nin, crushing her torso.

Her ears hurt with the constant ring inside her head and she couldn't stop the automatic motion of bringing her hands to them. Her chest ached too, but she pushed through the pain and disorientation. Kakashi was fast at reaching them. The sound of crumbling concrete, shouts and stabbing ring wouldn't let her distinguish his words.

"What?" she yelled.

"Orders. Fuck. Why. Him. Die." The small fragments of his voice sounded like a quiet echo, as the tendons in his neck jumped out with his words.

Gohama glanced down at her hands and realised there was no S-rank missing nin in them. Her head spun around, her eyes gliding indifferently over the destroyed compound. In the mess, she could pinpoint Furuta's chakra signature, almost drowned by the other enemies. Her heels pushed against the ground and she was up, one step forward and her hands met the grass again. Her balance hadn't gone back to normal, but she pushed through, even if she had to chase him down on her knees.

"Come back! Gohama!" His voice was still muffled, but she could hear him better now and it urged her on.

Moving through the mass of missing-nin, using her chakra to carelessly push them away from her path, Gohama ran behind that eerie chakra signature. The sound of metal clashing and angry shouts started behind her, but she didn't care. She didn't care about the mission, she didn't care about Kakashi. The answer to the misplaced piece was escaping through her fingers and she wouldn't let it run away. She screamed internally, searching for strength to keep on pushing the ground under her. Somehow, she was catching up on Furuta's superior speed.

"Furuta! You fucking coward! Fight me!"

The sinister nin started laughing hysterically, excitedly. His sharp blue eyes glanced over his shoulder towards her, the madness seeping in waves. "I killed Kyura Aiko!" he cheered, as he kept running from her. Her heart sank and her will ignited. Another heart to crush, all her being shouted, as her muscles gained strength and speed. Another heart to crush. "I killed Kyura Haruto! And Ryo and Kuro and Umeke…"

The faces of her clansmen flashed through her eyes, each spoken name stabbed through her chest. She knew them all. She had let them all die. Because of her, because of her. Fury and pain circled through her body, boiling her racing blood, enraging her fervent chakra.

Gohama knew he was alluring her, she knew he wanted her to follow him. She didn't care. She welcomed it, because it would make things easier for her, because it would present his heart in a bone platter for her to wrap her fingers around the still beating flesh and squeeze, squeeze until he stopped laughing that maniac, satisfied laugh and started begging, a little more strength in her hold and squishing and another begging shout, the madness giving place to despair, and, when his voice was raw from screaming, she would close her fist and blood and flesh would splutter through the gaps between her fingers, his body falling limp and a hole in his chest from where she could peek to the trees on the other side.

Her expression contorted as the lust for blood trembled through her skin. In a frantic spur of chakra, waves of summoned kunai and shuriken flew towards the back running away from her fervent hand. Her fingers shook in anticipation and now she was throwing chakra as he evaded it, as his repulsive throat, his crazed tongue kept rolling the names of her clansmen.

Another chakra entered her sensorial camp. Kakashi. She didn't want him there. How had he caught up with them? Was the team fighting the survivors from the explosions? She didn't care. Her being was only on the fleeting back, on the maniac litany of names. Kakashi had been right. Gohama wasn't half Buki. Gohama was a full Kyura, Gohama was a full Arms shinobi, Gohama was a full weapon. Finally, she was full in something and her chest shouted and shuddered in hate, lust and life and so many things she thought she would burst.

"Gohama! Don't be stupid, he wants you to follow him." Kakashi yelled from afar. "Wait for reinforcements. Gohama!"

They were approaching the cliffs that separated Fire from Hot Water. What was waiting for them there? Where did Furuta want her? It didn't matter. Her Kyura chakra was burning inside her pathways, begging to be let free, she would devastate anything that came her way.

"Aiko and Haruto! I killed Ryo! I killed Kuro and Umeke! I killed Aiko and Haruto! I ki—" the litany finally seized when a blow hit him.

In an instant, Gohama was behind him as he fell over the edge of the valley separating the two countries. Furuta didn't try to run. He lay on the ground, a triumphant leer spreading his mouth, showing off his white straight teeth, as icy as his eyes.

"I didn't just kill them. I also killed their—"

"Shut up!" she growled.

"…families, their kids and siblings and lovers."

"I said shut up!" she yelled.

"And with all of them I took my time."

"Get up and fight me." The blood from his side was starting to soak through his clothes. "Up!"

With a hand supporting his stomach, Furuta obeyed. He had that creepy smile still plastered on his face and it only spurred her rage into action. Her fist connected with his cheek and she felt both their bones shatter, the pain riding up her arm and making her shiver, blood spurting from his face. Gohama smiled, as she pulled her fist back once more, before she could swing it with double the force, a hand grabbed her wrist.

"Our mission is to assassinate him." Kakashi spoke behind her and she shook his hold off.

"We can interrogate him. He's not even fighting back." Gohama turned back to face that excuse of a shinobi. "How are you even considered S-rank? I've met genin with more fight in them."

"There's more about being a shinobi than fighting, but I guess you Kyura could never see pass that."

Another punch, so hard it made her stumble with the momentum and grunt from the pain. There was something incredibly satisfying about not using chakra. "Don't you dare speak my clan's name again."

Still, Furuta straightened back up with his disconcerting leer. "You're going to have to punch harder if you want me to suffer what the _Kyura_ I touched suffered."

This time, she summoned her tachi and pointed the tip of the blade to his chest. His confidence didn't waver. She was ready to cut through his skin, to see the blood ooze off his gash, to hear the sound it made when it dripped on the soil. His words stopped her wrist's motion.

"It's a pity I didn't get to kill your father, though." He was glaring at Kakashi with his mad eyes. "Quite a pity, don't you think, Hatake?" Kakashi stayed quiet but his chakra swayed and Furuta let out a shrill, high pitch giggle. "I was so happy when I saw the daughter of Kyura Inaku and the Copy-nin working together. And how well you fight together, what a moving, amusing sight. But it will be a much more lovely sight to watch you fight against each other." The comments confused her, but she didn't dwell on it. He seemed to fish for anything that could torment her. "I bet you'll pierce her heart with your raikiri." His smirk was set only on Kakashi now. "For old times' sake."

Before Gohama could register the change in the air, Furuta was already rolling through the ground, leaving a trail of dust behind him, and Kakashi was straightening from his punch. He hadn't dismissed chakra enhanced strength, the remains of the electric spike still crackling in her skin.

"He's mine." Gohama shoved him, as she ran to reach Furuta. "I'll kill you if you get in my way."

"Gohama, he's stalling us for something. We need to finish him soon."

"Get up and fight me, you fucking coward."

Another smirk. "None of them fought me. Aiko didn't fight me when I cut her boy into tiny pie—"

She kicked his face and his stomach, she kicked every centimetre of his body and he laughed in between grunts of pain. With each rumble of his throat, Gohama kicked more and more. Her foot feeling every detail of the flesh and bone giving away under her force, her own grunts of effort and hate joining his.

She didn't even sense when her team arrived, her perception cut off by the overwhelming rage of her chakra bursting through the ends of her pathways, even if she didn't put it behind her blows. Her ears were drowning in the roar inside her head, her eyes stinging and blurred with the images of her clansmen, her uncles, aunts and cousins. Dead and defeated and tattered and here she was alive and too late. She was too late.

"Gohama…" Hansuke called, but she didn't stop her merciless beating. She still had so much more to do to him before she could finally feel the sweet squish of his heart in her hand.

Her ribs moved with her heavy breathing as she finally stopped and his was ragged and wet, the blood gurgling in his throat. She unsheathed her tachi in a sly movement. "If you won't fight, I can start my interrogation right away." she said pointing the tip of the blade onto his throat. "Are you Akatsuki?"

He giggled again. "I shouldn't be the one being interrogated."

With a twirl of the handle in her fingers, her blade stabbed through his knee and this time he let out a small scream that made her lips twist in a smile.

"You fund Akatsuki. Are you one of them?"

He laughed again and she pressed her foot onto his wound, sliding it from side to side, making sure the ligaments cracked under the motion. "You have to do better than that." She stabbed his other knee, his right shoulder and then his left one. "More."

Her hands moved through several seals. Gohama had a set of torturing genjutsu saved for this same situation. Furuta started writhing on the ground, his shrieking as piercing as his creepy giggle, and she watched him thrash.

"Gohama, that's enough, you're acting crazy." Nikato said as he took a step towards her.

"This is not nearly enough." She upped the potency of the genjutsu for a few more minutes. Her ears relishing in the sharp, pained noises coming from the filth at her feet. "Dazai Fukosu said Akatsuki told them not to kill any Kyura. You killed Kyura that night. I repeat, are you Akatsuki?"

His pale blue eyes opened to stab through her own, that infuriating leer still stuck to his mouth. She would cut it out of his face if she had to. "Oh, poor thing. Not only Akatsuki killed Kyura that night. You should ask your tea—"

"Gohama, this is going nowhere." Hansuke interrupted and he had the boldness of actually walking towards her. "He isn't Akatsuki, he works for them, but the Akatsuki wear black cloaks with red clouds. And they don't just give up on fighting."

Another giggle bubbled up his throat, rough from the screaming. "I haven't given up. I'm waiting for the real battle."

"Gohama, don't listen to him. He's messing with you." Hansuke pleaded, as he tried to rest a hand on her shoulder, but she shook it off before it touched her. "Just complete the mission."

"I'm not the one messing with you, Kyura. It's them." he started laughing again. "When I saw you and Hatake, it made me so pleased."

There it was again, that comment, and it made dread freeze through her veins.

"The mission…"

"Shut up, Giranai!" Gohama growled and something in her voice must have worked, because he stepped back from her. "Tell me the names of the ninja that slaughtered the Arms."

Furuta's lips stretched in a victorious, mischievous smile as his blue eyes shone, the madness behind them turning into cunning. The dread was spreading, but the burning eagerness to know the truth ruled higher. "I'll tell you because you asked nicely, Kyura. Better. I'll tell you who killed your father."

Gohama's heart jumped in her chest. This had to be the great eerie explosion she had been anticipating, the missing piece falling into place. Her pulse throbbed in her mouth, her stomach twisted in desire for the information she had been craving for eleven years. Eleven years and it was laying at her feet, powerless, defeated and willing. Nothing would take that away from her.

Hansuke lunged himself into a quick attack and Gohama blocked him with a chakra wall. "Get back!" she ordered.

"Don't listen to him, Gohama."

"Why not? He clearly has information I want."

"I'm ordering you as team leader to retreat from the target." Hansuke said with his strict, unyielding tone.

She looked over her shoulder, her voice as firm as his. "I follow the Arms before the Leaf."

She had never deceived anyone on that and yet she could feel the dismay and outrage oozing off her teammates. Nikato had his dark eyes round and wide, just as his owls. Kisamaru looked straight through her with an activated byakugan, no surprise there, just disappointment. Hansuke had his face tilted down, but she could see his closed fist shaking at his side. Only Kakashi stood unchanged, resignation drooping his eyes even more.

When she turned back to her target, his swollen face could still pull off the eerie smirk, with amusement, even victory reaching out to her in a grasp that made her dread freeze colder. "Such edginess." Furuta commented while giving a dramatic shake of his head. "But I understand. After all... Konoha was behind..."

"Gohama!" Hansuke shouted, a cutting desperation she had never heard ripping his throat.

"…the massacre too."

A blade sharpened, a flower withered and her heart cracked.

* * *

_I am a bit of a cruel sadist with Gohama, but I wanted to write about some themes related to the ninja world (mental health problems, PTSD, indoctrination, torture, memory interrogation, seduction missions, etc...) on top of the angsty base storyline I already had before. So, it all ended up falling onto her. _

_I have a path laid out for the rest of the story, but I'm also tempted to diverge from that and go really dark. Either way, get ready for angst and all that jazz. _

_Thanks for reading, please review, and stay safe!_


	40. Part V - The Beast

PART V

The Beast

* * *

Gohama didn't really want to go to sleep now that Father was actually home in time to put her to bed. It had been too long since they had had time with each other. Still, she could see the deep purple bags under his eyes and decided not to push Father even more.

"Father." The little girl called as her father slid the door closed after himself.

He turned back with a small smile. "Yes, Hama-chan?"

The little girl straightened herself against the plush pillows of her bed and clutched the duvet closer to her chest. "There's a monster..." She whispered.

"There is?" Father asked with wide gentle eyes and curiosity in his voice. He moved towards the bed. "Where? Under the bed?" He knelt down and sneaked a glance.

When he came up again Gohama shook her head and shifted her eyes down, her hands still keeping her duvet up to her chin.

Father sat at the edge of the bed. "Do you know where the monster is, Hama-chan?"

It was hard to say the words to Father, the bravest, strongest man in the world, but she had been bothered for days, making her minutes before falling asleep much more scary. Gohama nodded and slowly pulled her arm from under her covers. She turned it to show the inside of her forearm to Father. "Here."

They both stared at the soft skin of Gohama's forearm, where the silhouette of a dark blue dragon with ten tails was branded. Father's forehead creased between his eyebrows and Gohama was afraid she had made him mad. Instead, he held her little hand with his large own.

"That's not a monster, Hama-chan. Why do you think that?"

"The boys and girls at the park said it was…" she explained quietly.

It was clear Father wasn't pleased with that. "But it's not. That is a jinchuriki seal and the dragon is not a monster, he's a beast. Remember Osamu-hanshi classes? Remember his name?"

"Seiryu…"

"Yes. Seiryu is a biju, but that doesn't mean he's bad or scary. He is very good and he is strong and helps us protect our home. But he needs a girl, as strong as he is, to do it." Father gave her a smile that wasn't happy at all and only made her chest pinch. "That's why you have him on your arm, Gohama, and inside you. And you're very strong, Gohama, and will be even stronger, the strongest of all shinobi in the village."

"Even stronger than you, Father?" Her big green eyes looked up at him.

He chuckled softly. "Much stronger."

"And Mother?"

"Yes. You and Seiryu together. So strong you will protect Buki, you will protect us all, Gohama." If Father said it, then it was true.


	41. V - Chapter 1

Part V | Chapter 1

* * *

Her ears rang with the explosion of a long hissing firework. The storm had finally burst from the contained clouds. The earthquake shook the caged fence around her as it swung from the shockwaves and hit her from left to right, back to front, not an inch left unhurt.

Her hands bled as she held the offered missing piece, small sharp blades surrounding the ragged edges of that black heavy piece. After eleven years, it was finally hers. Gohama could tuck it into its rightful, truthful place. It didn't fit, she pushed it through the walls of flesh saved for it, meant for it, and the edges cut the spot carved for it.

This wasn't the piece. It couldn't be the piece. It had never been supposed to hurt so deeply, to tear through the spot where it belong. Truth was freeing and all Gohama felt was the birdcage shaking against her sides as all her earth shook, as all her world crumbled around that one slot of truth. Until there was nothing but the piece, nothing but the truth and the ash remains of her life.

"Why would they do it?" Her voice quiet asked.

"All I know is Akatsuki chose that day to capture the jinchuriki because Konoha was already attacking."

"Why should I believe you?"

He laughed that shrill, piercing giggle of his. "Look at them." Gohama didn't let her eyes wander from the ones smiling at her. "It's obvious."

Blue eyes stared back at her with the amusement of a child. They were almost beautiful, those mad, cunning eyes, terrifying because they didn't lie. They had given her the truth and now Gohama would watch the light of mirth wash away with their life.

"This is for Aiko, Haruto, Ryo, Kuro, Umeke and their families." She used her chakra to lock and raise him. Her hand wrapped in chakra. Her fingers tore through skin, shattered through bone and wrapped around a still beating heart. "Your heart for slaughtering my Village."

Gohama squeezed her fist shut and the heart burst through the gaps between her fingers. The blood warm and red. Then, she pushed her hand through the other side. The ribs cracking as she watched the flicker of life leave his icy eyes and felt the flames of chakra fade from his core. When he went limp against her, she let his body slide away from her arm and slump on the ground.

The tip of her tachi buried into the soil and her trembling fingers grasped the handle, her palm pressed to it with a desperate hold. If she let go of her weapon, Gohama would fall.

"We can go home now." Hansuke said behind her.

The two walls of cliffs ran beside the river, until it disappeared behind the green hill of the valley. The sky was clear and bright, the sun sparkled on the surface of the water, as little waves rippled south towards the sea.

What a cruel beautiful day. What a cruel thing for that beautiful voice to say.

"I have no home." Gohama watched as two sparrows chirped and flew away from the banks near the water. "My home is dead."

"Gohama…?" It was Nikato talking now. He was scared. He was scared of her. Gohama was scared too.

"Is it true?" Gohama needed the piece to come from their hands. Maybe then it wouldn't cut so deeply in its rightful, truthful place.

"Gohama… the bastard was making you turn agains—"

She didn't let Hansuke finish lying. "Is it true, Kakashi?"

"It's true." His drawled, blank voice pushed the piece deeper, as it settled dark and heavy, stabbing and cruel, in its rightful, truthful place. "The Arms were planning war against the Leaf. ANBU had the mission to contain the situation by assassinating the high-ranks."

The details carved new blades around the edges and her crack spread in deep spider webs around her heart. Gohama felt the flesh give out inside her chest as all the pieces fell into their rightful, truthful place and crumbled around that dark and heavy one. Things made sense now, but the cracks only grew from it.

Her heart finally shattered. If all her weight wasn't supported on her weapon, Gohama would have fallen into ash and broken shards. But the handle under her hand was solid and real, the blade that stabbed into the ground was flexible and strong. There was nothing left in her but that black piece of truth and her weapon.

Her weapon. Her weapon. Her weapon.

"Who killed Father?"

The question vibrated through the air and now there were no sparrows for Gohama to watch as they drank and flew. There was no answer and the silence responded back with the truth. A wave rumbled from her lungs, up her throat, it stung with bitterness as it finally left through her lips. A chuckle.

"Underneath the underneath." She uttered slowly, bitingly, every syllable long in her tongue as it rolled inside her mouth and her mind. "I told you I would find out, Kakashi. This is why you disappeared. This is why you are always so guilty. Finally some fucking sense." Another chuckle. "You were the murderer underneath the white mask. Underneath the underneath. How fucking poetic." Gohama pulled her tachi out of the soil and extended the blade, so it spread as a shining slit through the air, ready to cut, ready to kill. "I'll rip that heart out of your chest."

"That's enough, Gohama." Again Hansuke with words that made her skin cringe. And when she thought the piece couldn't hold any more black and any more blades, it grew and it smothered and it drowned.

"Hansuke, how old were you eleven years ago?" She asked calmly, but her voice still trembled. Another silence, overflowing in truth and pain. "How old? Just answer me… How old?"

"Fifteen." he breathed.

"What was the mission that made you leave ANBU?" Silence, so much burning silence she was turning into ash again. "Please, Hansuke… please. Please… Please…" the pleading was dripping in despair. "Just say something… Say something! Fucking talk to me!"

Something boiled deep inside her core and it made her eyes sting. Even if she tried, Gohama wouldn't be able to keep it in. But she didn't want to keep it in, she wanted it to explode freely out of her and maybe things wouldn't hurt so much then. Rage was finally catching up to her skin and with it that monstrous chakra that devastated anything he touched. She welcomed the fire swirling in her pathways, she welcomed the burning of her seal, she welcomed the devastation that would come.

"Gohama!" Hansuke shouted over the roaring in her ears and in her body. "Focus! You have to control it! Gohama, listen to me, please. You can't let it break free."

But she wanted to, she craved for it to finally burst out of her pent up veins, her overflowing flesh. It was alive and she was losing control. How amazing it felt to let go, to give in to it. In a sudden burst, dark blue flames circled around her skin in frantic, destructive curls. Gohama was the ten-tails jinchuriki and with Seiryu she was the strongest shinobi of Bukigakure, with Seiryu she was _the_ weapon, the shuriken.

"Gohama." Hansuke called as he took a step closer to her.

In a flicker of time, she had the tip of her tachi pointed to his throat. "Don't move."

Fear. Every single one of those Konoha shinobi exhaled terror and this time she welcomed it, this time she craved it. Her power only burning stronger from it.

"Your eyes, Gohama…" Nikato whispered and she pierced his dark ones with the slits of her pupils, which breached through sharp blue. "And your tattoo."

Her dragon eyes shifted down to where her seal swirled out of her forearm guard. Focussing chakra on her arm, she watched the leather and metal char and melt away from her flesh. There was no need to hide it now.

"You are the lost jinchuriki." Kakashi said, the same impassiveness as always, but his chakra couldn't fool her. He was scared too, he was terrified. He had said so that night, the Copy Ninja of Konoha was terrified of her.

"You're my parents' killer." Her finger pointed to Furuta's chest hole. "I'll crush your heart just as I did to his, just as I did to the other twenty-three shinobi that slaughtered my Village."

"We won't let you kill him."

Her eyes pricked through Kisamaru's byakugan and she giggled. "You can't stop me, _Hyuga_. Besides, this has nothing to do with you."

Before any of them could react, Gohama had two chakra fields around the younger jonin and pulled them to her. Her hand absorbed almost all of their vital energy and, when they were unmoving before her, with a flick of her arm, she threw them across the valley.

"Fuck, Gohama! What are you doing?!"

"My duty."

"I have to go to them. Hold on for a second, Kakashi."

Gohama chuckled again, as Hansuke ran towards his fallen teammates. Of course he would and now she had Hatake Kakashi all to herself, his heart ready for her fist.

"Do you remember me?" She asked while sheathing her tachi. Her jinchuriki cloak would be more than enough to fight him.

"Yes… I remember everything."

With a fast push of her feet, Gohama was running across the humid ground towards her parents' killer. How she had longed for the day she would fight the man in the white mask. How she had longed for the day she would see his fleeting heartbeat vanish with a squeeze of her fist. How she had longed for her duty to be fulfilled. Now was the day and nothing would stop her from crushing the life out of Hatake Kakashi.

Her pulled-back fist crashed against the spot where he had been standing, dust rising around her. Before he could flicker away, Gohama extended arms of Seiryu's chakra and caught him only to throw him away across the valley, following his trail with her own chakra-augmented speed. Before he landed across the cliff, her biju-powered fist was already connecting with his stomach.

Gohama looked down at the man as he raised himself up from the ground. "Come on, Sharingan no Kakashi, pull the hitai-ate up, you fucking bastard!"

"I'm not going to fight you."

"I'm going to kill you anyway, so, at least, give me a little bit of respect with a good fight." The corners of her mouth upturned in a sadistic smile, as her sharp eyes matched her demand. "After everything you've done to me, I deserve respect."

His hand moved up to his hitai-ate and, with a slow resigned gesture, he dragged it away from his eye. When his hand fell back, the sharingan shone with red deadly light and it made her chakra tremble and her muscles tense, survival rushing in her blood. Gohama looked straight into it, challenging him to use it on her, as she had asked that day. Instead, he flickered away.

Everything became a blur as they started fighting. The beast chakra seemed to guide her movements with a new unfathomable precision and wildness. She tore through every ninjutsu Kakashi threw her way, and she could have slashed him with one of her own, but she didn't. Her anguish ruled higher and her thirst for blood also meant a thirst for cruelty.

Every cell in her body was alive with the adrenaline of a good fight, a great fight. Hatake Kakashi and his sharingan weren't enough to win against her and even if her enemy kept on fighting, every blow, every little glimmer of uncertainty and determination in his eyes were enough to fuel the triumph singing in her chest.

Gohama would fight until she grew bored and then she would kill him.

One chakra arm tore through the air, a second away from hitting its target, when a wall of earth rose from the ground, absorbing the energy and impact. A Harada clan jutsu. Her eyes shot to Hansuke as he pulled his hands away from the ground and started running towards Kakashi.

"Don't get in my fucking way!"

They raced to see who could reach the fallen Copy-nin sooner. Her chakra-laden hand already prepared to pierce through a person's chest. Her elbow pulled back as her eye spied Hansuke's progress. Gohama only needed to put a little more chakra into her feet and she would beat him.

Her lips were already stretching in a smile, as she jumped. Her hand shoved through the distance between her and her parents' murder. She watched her fingers aim for the heart, as she fell from the sky. This was the moment she had waited for, she had craved for for eleven years. Mismatched eyes stared back at her, not a hint of emotion, of life behind them, as they watched death in her own.

Two hazel eyes replaced them. Gohama was falling, her hand with death already marked into it. There was no stopping herself now. She shouted as her chakra pushed into the floor on her left.

Her arm ended up buried to her shoulder. Not in flesh, but in soil. Gohama stared into the burns and cracks that spread from her arm through the ground around it. Her other hand rose to grasp the fabric over her heart, as it thundered against her chest, after stopping for too many seconds, as her breaths left in fast quick puffs. The soil crumbed inside her fist as her fingers twitched around it, around it and not around the muscle of a heart. It was granny, not mushy. It was dry, not wet.

Gohama had almost killed Hansuke.

"I told you to get out of my fucking way." She whispered, still on her hands and knees, her gaze fixed to the hole around her arm, Seiryu's chakra still coating it.

"Gohama, please. Enough."

That made her rip herself away from the earth and stand. Her sharp dark blue eyes turned to Hansuke. "Enough?! You know how not nearly enough this is! I told you about the man in the white mask and every time you knew it was him! Is this why you always try to talk me out of my duty?"

"Gohama, it's not your duty."

"What do you know? I'm a Buki shinobi. It is my duty!"

Hansuke took a step towards her, his arms opened. "I was there too. Another white mask. It's your duty to kill me too."

A lump pressed against the walls of her throat. "Don't test me."

Another step forward. "Will you kill me too, Gohama? For duty, will you crush my heart?"

"I said don't test me, Giranai!"

"Don't call me that!"

"Harada-senpai!"

"You promised you wouldn't forget that I love you. You promised me, Gohama. You promised you wouldn't forget those years."

"Those years where you did nothing but lie to me? You have no right to ask me to fulfil a promise when it was based on a lie."

"I didn't lie about that! I told you you'd see me differently and you promised knowing that."

Her gaze turned down to the jinchuriki seal, alive and burning around her forearm. It lifted to Buki's hitai-ate wrapped around her bicep. The hitai-ate her Yukikage had given to her as a symbol of her life as an Arms-nin, who had sworn to protect, sworn to honour. "If you interfere in my duty, I'll kill you."

"We both know I won't stop, not even for you, Gohama. And we both know you won't survive that."

"I never planned on surviving past my duty."

Gohama enveloped him in chakra, making it leak into his pathways and stir with his own energy. With a fling of her wrist, she threw Hansuke away from her and the Copy-nin.

He continued to watch her with those impassive eyes of his. Why couldn't she get a rise out of him? Why was there only determination in him, not rage of terror, not even guilt anymore.

"What was it? A raikiri for Father and a ninjato for Mother?" She took a step towards him, making sure her words where loaded with contempt. "Which one did you enjoy the best, Copy-nin? Definitely not the washed out mother, killed only from a blade to the chest, bleeding out on the tatami of her own home. Nothing but a squashed bug. But a Yukikage… Now that has to feel good. To kill the shuriken of Bukigakure. How fucking admirable, how fucking powerful."

Gohama stopped when she finally stood in front of him, the distance enough to burn him with her jinchuriki cloak. His face was covered in dirt and blood, as a gash on his forehead oozed down and soaked his mask.

That was what he was today, a mask. Just as he had worn a white mask on that fatal night, today he wore a mask of nothingness. She wanted him to crack as she had, she wanted his barriers to crumble just has her life had, she wanted to see the defeat fill his stolen sharingan and his dull grey eye and then watch as the blankness of death spread through them.

But as long as he had that mask up, the heart she crushed would be nothing but a fake shell. She wanted Kakashi. She wanted the man with the wild crackling chakra from that night.

"Did you enjoy it, Copy-nin? Did you want to kill me too?"

Her slit pupil was a void in the cold blue of her dragon eyes, filled with disdain, filled with hatred, as it demanded of him to jump out of his act. Still nothing. Kakashi didn't even use the sharingan on her. She was an easy prey to that kekkei genkai when she studied the swirl of the tomoe around a sea of red, a sea of blood.

"Come on, fight like you want to kill me. Where is Cold-Blooded Kakashi? Where's the shinobi that slaughtered a kage in his own home? I'm sure he'll have a blast trying to kill me."

That made him snap. His hand reached for her hair and pulled her head back, but he didn't threaten her with anything else. Gohama had a kunai pressed to his throat.

"We both know that's not true." His other hand circled her own holding the kunai, waving it, letting it nick his neck. The smell of burnt flesh reaching her nose, but even then he didn't pull away from her. "So stop the fucking trash talk and the fucking stalling. Come on, Gohama, do your duty, honour your family. Kill me. If you have the skill and guts to do it."

And with that suicidal challenge, the tables turned. His last words hit the exact right spot and the biju chakra countered it, the only way it knew how, with more power, more destruction.

Gohama shoved Kakashi away from her and she fell to all fours. Seiryu's chakra burst out of her core and she growled. Never had she felt its power as devastating, as engulfing. Another tail grew behind her and she glanced over her shoulder. The fourth tail.

"No. No. No." Gohama whispered as she tried to fight back the chakra drowning her own self. She could feel her consciousness slipping through her fingers as she held on to it. With four tails, she would lose control of herself, leaving behind only a body of chakra that could do nothing but destroy. It was too late. She was too weak and the chakra was too overpowering.

Gohama was gone. Only a raging mass of monstrous chakra left.

* * *

Her entire body scorched and Gohama retched both from the pain and the smell of burnt flesh, as she finally came back to herself. The cloak had disappeared, but the aftermaths of a fourth tail were still agonisingly clear. Her entire body shuddered and it made the pain more unbearable.

With effort, she opened her eyes and all she could see was a blurred mass of brown dirt. Was she on the ground? Her fingers shook and under them, under the pain, she could feel the coarse feel of soil. She was down.

Seiryu's chakra was quickly healing the burns it had caused. Her bundled mind cleared slightly as the pain washed away from her flesh. Her chakra sense kicked in first and she searched for any signature. Hansuke and Kakashi. They were both alive.

"What was that?" She hear Hansuke's voice, breathless and tired, and Gohama searched for his silhouette behind the curtain of dust around her.

"A seal Jiraiya-sama gave me. Gohama isn't the only jinchuriki I have to deal with."

The cloud faded and finally she could make out their forms. Kakashi had already looked terrible before, but Hansuke had a new chakra burn stretching across his back and side.

Gohama pulled herself to her elbows and knees with shaking muscles and then failed an attempt at standing. A step forward and her unsolid legs gave out. She unsheathed her tachi and stuck it to the ground before she could fall. It was always her weapon that supported her up, always her weapon that pushed her forward. Still, the dizziness was catching up to her. Two Kakashi's swam in front of her and even her fast blinking couldn't focus her tired mind into seeing the truth behind the image.

Hansuke's chakra signature moved in on her. "Don't. Don't touch me." He obeyed, more out of sympathy, than any authority in her raspy pitiful voice.

The beast chakra was locked inside her again, leaving her pathways as barren, worn rivers after a flood. There was only a weariness that pushed her down to the ground, that tore through her until her body was nothing but mush, melting down onto the soil, no substance, no shape, with nothing to hold it upwards. But Gohama had to keep fighting.

Her rage had washed away the weight of killing Kakashi and now she felt it, heavy and dark, on her shoulders. Still, it was her duty and duty was never without a burden. Gohama had given her life to the Arms and that always came with death. If death comes, may it be in honour of the Arms, she repeated in her heart, over and over, making sure it was branded into the insides of her soul.

Her honour didn't matter, it never had. She was Buki's jinchuriki, she was the weapon, she was the shuriken carved into the hitai-ate. A symbol of sharpness, power and death. Honour was never for the wielded metal, but for the hand that commanded. Buki was her commander and Gohama was their weapon.

Father had believed she would protect them all. How could Gohama run from honouring Mother and Father out of weak sentimentality? It was her duty as a daughter and her duty as a Buki shinobi. Kakashi had to die and she had to be the one to kill him. Hadn't she pledged herself to whatever burden would be set in her path? How could she fail another promise made to her Father and Yukikage?

Her arms shook as she pushed herself up with the help of her tachi. She stood, her mind stumbling, but her legs kept on being stout. The two Kakashi's merged into one and the darkness at corners of her eyes faded.

Her pathways burned from the abuse of a biju's chakra, but Gohama continued to coat her hand in chakra, as she pushed through any pain, any weakness. She flickered and this time not even Hansuke had the time to get in the way of the path that had always been marked into her. This time not even Gohama would stand in her way. There could be no thinking, only doing.

Green eyes stared back into mismatched ones, as her hand reached for Kakashi's heart. The black tomoe spun and changed and the red around it spread all around Gohama.

Painted red and grey, a devastated horizon unrolled in front of her. Distant screams and cries rang inside her head and pierced her with the memory of another devastated village, her Village. Above the echo of voices, one stood out, familiar and shaky. Gohama's heart stopped in her chest and her muscles froze underneath her skin.

Hansuke.

Where once the ground was barren, a thread of red, thick blood glided towards her feet. For too long seconds, her gaze lingered in that strip of blood, afraid to face the vision waiting for her head to turn up.

Another scream, her own shaky breath and her head moved.

Hansuke was slumped down, his extended hand twitching with the final signs of life and his eyes unmoving, as they stared up at the red sky. A woman kept on stabbing him and, without thought, Gohama was already running towards them and dragging the woman down.

Her fist was ready to carve her heart out, when two familiar eyes looked up at her, snarky and cold. Green, the only green thing in all that scenery. Green and evil, her eyes looked back at her. "This is a genjutsu" she thought, obsessively, repeatedly, but she couldn't release herself from it.

She let the women go and turned to Hansuke. His eyes did not look at her, they did not look at anything. Their hazel dull and murky and empty.

"Hansuke! I'm here, get up! Please… No, oh no, don't leave me… Hansuke, please…"

Her voice grew fainter, as her throat collapsed against itself, and her eyes stung with tears. So much tears, and she drowned in them and in grief. She remembered those green and evil eyes and turned her face towards them.

"Why?! Why did you kill him?!"

"Wasn't this what you wanted?" Answered the same voice, cold and amused. "Didn't you want to avenge your Village with all your heart and will?"

"Yes, I did and I do, but not him…"

"You have the ten tails beast inside of you and yet you're weak. What about your Village, your clan, your family? Don't you care about them anymore? Don't you love them? Did _he_ make you forget? You are betraying your family because he eased your loneliness. So weak…"

"He was following orders… he, he, he was protecting his own village…"

"Unlike you."

"I tried… I—"

"So weak… You are Buki's jinchuriki; it was your duty, your order. This is your order." The evil woman said as she pointed to Hansuke's dead body. "I completed it for you. Oh, don't feel bad about it. He never cared about you."

"He did."

The evil woman laughed, a shrill bitter laugh that reminded Gohama of her own dry chuckles. "He was just trying to ease his conscience and clean his Village's name. He was following orders. He never actually cared for you, how could he? A beast so weak and pathetic? He was afraid of you. He was terrified of you. He doesn't love you. None of them do." she pointed at the materialised figures of Nikato and Kisamaru, staring at Gohama in disdain. "We are alone."

"Shut up! There is no we!" She cried and her fists closed around the fabric of Hansuke's shirt, wet and cooling.

"Can't you see that I'm you? I'm the real you, the powerful you, the _Kyura_ you."

"I could never kill Hansuke…"

"Oh, you could and you want to, you're just too weak. For now I did it for you. And how good it felt!" the image of Hansuke's killing appeared before Gohama's eyes and she couldn't look away from it. "His warm blood in my hands, his childish begging, his eyes—"

"Stop! Stop!"

"—filled with pain and fear as life left them. If you would just let me rise, we could be great."

"I don't care about greatness…" Not when Hansuke lay dead under her hands.

"What do you care for? Friendship, love!" Another mocking bitter laugh. "Don't lie to yourself, those are not for you, they never were. You can't love and you can't be loved. There is only vengeance and power. Perfection! Or did you forget?"

The scenery faded into Gohama's old family home. Her father being killed and his blood splashing on her face. Then the masked man showed his face and Kakashi appeared, staring back at her with amusement in his red eye. The background changed once more to thousands of bloody corpses, lying in indistinct bunches, legs and arms bundled together, wide open dead eyes staring back at her. Mother, Father and Brother beside her feet.

"Don't you remember the Massacre? Where's the love for your Village? Did Konoha make you forget? Don't you owe them honour? Don't you owe them duty? Your own life when they gave theirs for yours?" The woman gripped Gohama's jaw and glared at her, the green of her eyes full of scorn, of shame. "You're a failure." As she spoke she forced visions of the Arms' massacre to unfold around them. "You failed your Village. You failed your clan. You failed your family. You're a failure!"

Tears ran freely down Gohama's cheeks, as she tried to pull the woman away from her with shivering hands. "Please… please stop… No more…"

"That's what they all said when you killed them."

Gohama found herself with blood in her hands. In front of her, laid Konoha, its multi-coloured roofs buried in a sea of debris and devastation. Beside her, Nikato crawled away, as he whispered. "Why, Gohama? Why would you do this?"

"Justice. Honour. Duty."

She couldn't control herself. She was the one moving, but she had no will of her own. She followed Nikato with the foreign intent to kill. Blue dragon chakra pierced through his heart and he cried in pain, as she lifted him in the air. His head fell and Gohama threw his body away towards the other corpses around her. Kisamaru ran towards her, his lavender eyes knotted into rage, his hair chaotic, and a crazed, foreign scream tearing through his throat. Again, she pierced his heart as she had done to Nikato.

Images of the destruction and death appeared and faded away. She had caused them all. It had passed hours and the scenery kept changing. Her throat was tattered and the taste of blood coated her tongue when the images finally began to fall apart.

The background was now completely dark and Gohama lay down, small little whimpers leaving pass her lips. The one with the green and evil eyes crouched beside her.

"This is what we could do. What _I_ could do. It's our duty." Again she gripped her jaw, forcing Gohama to look into those green dreadful eyes. "You'll never stop being a failure unless you give in to me."

Gohama gazed into those eyes and looked back at herself. There was only her. She was alone.

* * *

A blade of pain pierced through his left eye onto the back of his skull. He could feel the toll of using his mangekyo for a genjutsu. Gohama hadn't known of his mangekyo sharingan and had fallen into his almost unbreakable genjutsu. His hands were trembling by his sides, the well known heaviness of guilt shoving him to the ground. Kakashi had suspected what her turmoil was, but watching it directly, materialised through his genjutsu, the one he had cast on her, tore through him.

Gohama was kneeling in front of him, her hands sustaining her weight, her dark hair falling wildly to cover her face. Every muscle in her body shivered, he could hear small whispers break from her heavy and fast pants. He had never wanted to do that to her. Panic had snatched him and made him act with no thought.

That genjutsu played with the victims worst fears. He had never wanted to play Gohama. He had never wanted to hear her desperate cries. He had never seen her cry before, much less shriek and howl. It was horror now that drowned him. What had he done? How could he have hurt her like that? Hadn't he done enough to make her miserable?

Hansuke ran from where he had fallen to meet her. He laid a hand on her back trying to comfort her. Kakashi couldn't stop staring at her, his eyes wide and his body weak.

"What did you do to her?" Hansuke asked.

Kakashi kept staring at Gohama as she lifted herself slowly; how could she after what she had been through?

"Answer me!"

"Genjutsu…"

Hansuke looked at Gohama in concern. She was sitting on her heels, her head lifted up, the drape of dark hair sliding to show her eyes, which wavered between anger and hollowness. She lifted herself up with strained movements from her persistent shivering. Her green eyes never leaving his. He let himself be consumed in the hatred they held. He deserved it. Every single flicker of it. With a chakra-powered kick, she threw Hansuke faraway.

"Where were we?" she growled, with firm steps coming towards him.

Gohama summoned her tanto and cut through his tattered shirt. Kakashi kept his back stiff against the rock, his hands carving into it as he held himself up. She pressed her hand against the central spot of his torso, it was warm and soft and womanly. His chakra swirled inside his core at her command and flowed away from his body. She averted her eyes to the ball of stolen chakra in her hand. Her features creased in concentration, her flawless, un-scarred skin covered in soil. He could still smell the lemon of her hair through the salt of sweat and tears. He had never smelled tears in her. It was all his fault.

Electricity filled the air. She had stolen his chakra to form a chidori. The lightning globe made the shadows on her face dance in frantic blue hues and darkness. The smell of ozone. It was only fair he would die from the attack that he had used to kill. It was only fair he would die from a copied version of his jutsu.

Gohama pushed her other hand into his shoulder, pinning him to the wall. He wouldn't try to escape anyway. This was a fair death. He would die for his Village's and his own sins. He would die at her skilled hands.

Gohama pulled her arm backwards to gain momentum.

"Look at me." he asked "Gohama, look at me."

And she did. She lifted those so Gohama eyes that now reminded him of the forests of Konoha. He understood Rin now. It wasn't so bad to die if she was the last thing he saw. It wasn't so bad to die at all. He had been ready for a long time. He was ready now.

"It's okay."

Her eyes flickered with something deep and gut-clenching. She pushed her hand forward and when it hit the flesh above his heart, the lightening blue disappeared. He had always thought dying from the chidori would hurt, but all he could feel was the warmth of her palm.

Then his eyes widened. He looked down at the hand pressing against the steady and lively beat of his heart. When he went to look at Gohama again she wasn't there anymore. Only a gust of wind and Kakashi slumped down on the floor.

Hansuke had thrown her away from him. He hadn't realised she had stopped the chidori. Swiftly with his remaining chakra, he built a clay dome over Gohama that absorbed her energy. Gohama, though weakened, managed to escape by piercing the side with a chakra fist. She laid on the ground powerless and Hansuke moved to straddle her, preventing her from moving.

"Please, Gohama, please stop this."

"I can't. I can't. You know I can't, Hansuke."

"You have no chakra left. You won't win, Gohama."

"Are you going to kill me?"

"Of course not. I l—"

"You should kill me. If you let me live I'll destroy Konoha. You have to kill me."

"You don't mean that."

"I'll kill every single person in that fucking village." Her head fell to the left, towards the other side of the valley, where Nikato and Kisamaru still lay unconscious. "Including them."

"This is not you…" Hansuke's pained tone made Kakashi look away from them.

"This has always been me. I fooled you all. And you were always the easiest to fool."

"Run." The sorrow had vanished, leaving only the authority of a team leader. "If Konoha gets to you, they'll arrest you. I'm going to get off you and you're going to run." Kakashi heard the sound of shifting fabric and crunching soil. "I told you to run." Still, Gohama's chakra signature didn't move. "Run!"

Even Kakashi jolted at Hansuke's shout. He raised his eye in time to watch Gohama's green haori disappear behind the tree line of Hot Water. Hansuke continued to kneel and stare into his hands, until his chin tilted up and he threw a glance towards Kakashi's exhausted body.

It reminded him of that night eleven years ago, when he had come to Kakashi's house, had kneeled in front of him and held onto Kakashi's knees, who was sitting on the couch. He had said nothing but a whispered "Taicho…". Kakashi had seen the poorly wrapped cut, still bleeding, across his ANBU tattoo and understood. The black ops had never been the place for Hansuke.

Not even then, when his expression had been distorted in a mixture of fear, guilt and anguish, had Hansuke looked as miserable as now.

Then his eyes shifted to the spot where Gohama had disappeared and the angle made his tears shine in the sun. With a last shaky breath, he cleaned them with the hem of his shirt and moved towards him fallen students.

It was cruel that that mission would never stop haunting him. Kakashi should never have asked him to take Gohama into his team. Kakashi should never have ordered him to take that mission.


	42. V - Chapter 2

Part V | Chapter 2

* * *

The monastery's main gate, with its dark wooden pillars, frail and small under the two curved roofs, looked more ominous than before. Even as an eighteen-year-old ANBU, cold, impassive and uncaring, the sight of the monastery and what it meant for him to be there had coated his guts with a thin layer of frost. Now, twelve years later, Kakashi felt all of Snow's ice had pestered his being.

The monastery hit with the same awe, as it broke from the forest around it and hang on the edge of a cliff. Nothing had changed to his sharingan eye, yet its shadow felt darker against the dark green of the cedar trees and the grey paved stones that carved the path.

The quiet and contemplative atmosphere soaked into every crevasse of the place and it pressed into him, sour and uncomfortable. The profound air surrounding the stillness of the building, the peaceful people, and the ancient forest, shook him deep but softly and that had never sat well in him. This isolation was fruitful and foreign, it was everything his was not and it made him feel like scum.

He decided to go directly to Tsukate's personal room, hoping it hadn't changed from the last time he had been there. When he dragged the shoji door open, the room oozed the Kyura's known scent and chakra. He obliviously thanked whatever superior force for it.

Sitting by the window that overlooked the gardens, he opened the dog-eared page of a new classic he had bought, covered in a henge to look like _Icha Icha Tactics._ Kakashi actually tried to read while waiting for Tsukate, but his mind kept running away from the written words and back to that day twelve years ago. That day that had changed too many lives for the worse.

Kakashi had sat on that same spot in front of the low table, a cup of hot tea prepared before him, from which he never drank. Tsukate had been in front of him, taking quiet sips out of his drink, his shaven head still strange to Kakashi. His kind and caring green eyes the same as during the Third Ninja War, but surrounded by harsher wrinkles marked into the skin of his face.

"You're not a kid anymore, Kakashi." Tsukate had started with a teasing and kind smile.

The last time they had seen each other Kakashi had been fourteen. "And you're an old man. Bald and all."

He had laughed at that and, only now as he remembered, did Kakashi recognise the same glint in him that Gohama had when she laughed.

The good humour had quickly vanished to a both grateful and sad expression that had made even his ANBU hardened heart tremble. "I'm glad you've come alone." His gaze had turned to the garden outside. "I'm sure you can understand how difficult this situation is for me. It's important that I discuss it with someone I trust. And you're the only Konoha high-rank I trust."

He had offered him a small smile, similar to the comforting ones he had had for all the young soldiers in their company during the war.

"Buki isn't going to back down. I accept your proposal in exchange for my full corporation and assistance with one condition." His kind face had gained a harshness Kakashi had never seen on him. "You won't attempt to assassinate the Yukikage."

Kakashi had feared this since the beginning and now it was staring back at him with sorrowful, pained eyes, the harshness hiding the plea that shot out of him.

"Tsukate, we can't negotiate on that."

"No. Listen to me. I need you to listen, as a friend now, please." Against his better judgement, Kakashi had listened. The word friend had always been his weak spot, not even ANBU had taken that away from him. "My brother doesn't want to go to war. I know him and I know that, if it were up to him, he would never take such an action after only five years since the last one. But it isn't up to him. You know how unbearable a Village Council can be, you know how traditional old men and impulsive young kids drown a Kage's voice. If you let him live, he won't continue the negotiations with the Uchiha."

"If it ever comes out that Konoha was behind the attack don't you think the entire Village would force him to take action against us? The death of a Kage would assure the Village is too weakened to counteract. It's not just about his true intentions."

"Kakashi, I know this seems just emotional talk, but Inaku is a good Yukikage because he's a good man, he wants peace above all. Buki is fractured, frustrated and angry, and Inaku also has to maintain the peace within its own walls. Your attack would clear all the displeased warmongers and help him make peace."

His back was straight, his uncovered grey eye stony. "I'm not the one that holds the decision."

"I know, but Konoha listens to your judgement. Just try to…" His words had died in his throat, as his trembling fingers had left the tight hold around the cup and had searched inside his robes. Tsukate had taken out a leather photograph holder.

Four pictures had opened to Kakashi, pictures of real, flesh people he hadn't wanted to see, he hadn't wanted to acknowledge existed behind a code name on a mission form. The first of Tsukate's dead parents. The second of him as a kid with his two older brothers, one dead, the other a walking dead, with an assassination mission stuck to the back of his head. The third of his brother Inaku's family. Kakashi hadn't even known the Yukikage had two children, a boy and a girl, he hadn't needed to know, he ought not to know.

The last photograph had been of Tsukate with Keishi, one of Buki's soldiers from their company. With loving brown eyes and a timid smile, he looked towards Tsukate, who had a grin plastered on his face and looked right into the camera. Both full of happiness, love and life. Keishi was dead. A good man lost to another war. It had taken too much from everyone, too much from the world.

Tsukate's trembling finger had pressed to his brother Inaku's family photo, his voice shaking as he spoke. "This is my niece, Gohama," The little girl smiled as she squeezed her baby brother in a hug and stared straight at Kakashi. Her stilled happiness an accusation. "and my nephew, Yukine. They're older now. Gohama's eight, by next year she'll be a chunin. She has the bloodline limit, Kakashi. They'll make her go to war. If Buki attacks Konoha they'll use her as a killing machine. Not even you were that young…"

"Why are you telling me this?" Kakashi had asked between a growl and a plea.

"My brother will do anything he can to stop his daughter from being nothing but a weapon. If he lives, even if he knows it was Konoha, he'll never wage war."

"She's a shinobi, that's her duty. The Yukikage won't decide based on his daughter."

His green eyes, unyielding and anguished, had snapped back to stare at him. They had almost made Kakashi squirm in his seat. "No, Kakashi, you don't understand. My niece is _the_ weapon, they're making her the next Katsuo. Do you think my brother was that cold-blooded machine out of choice, out of simple duty? They made him that way. Gohama's the same."

His Kyura eyes had changed and Kakashi had felt the mask, always stuck to his face, melt and shed away, as it hadn't since Minato-sensei's death. Just from a look, his carefully constructed barriers had been pierced and it had only made anger bubble in his chest.

"I'm sure you can understand what that asks of people, Copy-nin of Konoha. I'm sure you can understand how much a father wouldn't want that for his child."

"Tsukate," Kakashi had hissed, his own eyes sharp and cold. "Konoha doesn't care about that. Konoha won't add another risk. The operation is already a heavy liability. Your word about the Yukikage's position means nothing when everything he's doing goes against that. In the end, he's the leader of Buki, the one that makes all the decisions, including partaking in a coup d'état against an allied government. I can't help you."

Kakashi had been harsh and Tsukate had let hurt escape through his expression, or maybe had never even tried to hide it. "ANBU isn't for you, Kakashi."

"At least I didn't run away to become a monk after the war."

"ANBU is running away."

"ANBU is where I'm most useful to my Village, but you wouldn't understand that, now would you? I'm sure your niece would love to be the shuriken of Buki, just like Katsuo loved it. Say all you want about your brother, but you know he loved what they made of him."

"My niece won't hate it, but she'll hate herself."

The resignation had hummed low in his tone, as he had lowered his gaze to the leather photograph holder. Tsukate had known the inevitable fate of his family and still he had tried to fight for them.

His expression had been open and pleading as he had looked back up at Kakashi. "I understand that you can't help me, but I ask you for one favour then. Promise me you'll be the one to do it. If you manage it, I know that you'll show Inaku the respect, honour and death he deserves. Promise me, Kakashi."

"I promise."

Kakashi had kept part of the promise. He had killed Kyura Inaku, but there had been no respect and honour in murdering someone in their own home. Those two words that had already seemed heavy now burned inside him with all of what they had meant.

The door to the room slid open and on the other side was Tsukate's smiling older face. "Kakashi, my good friend, good to see you've made yourself comfortable. It scared a few monks to have a shinobi invade their living quarters."

Tsukate didn't let him speak as he started to boil fresh tea, then set two cups on the low table and extended his hand to a seat so that Kakashi would take it. Only after pouring green tea for the both of them and taking the first sips did he talk, straight to the point as he had done the last time.

"I guess these won't be good news." The trepidation rang loud through his tone.

"Gohama knows."

Kakashi explained what had happened on the previous day. After the fight, he had allowed Hyuga to heal him and, after a quick shower at the inn, had left to Snow Country, while Gohama's team went back to Konoha. Hansuke had made them promise not to let Tsunade know of her defection until he 'took care of things'. Only Hansuke would find that level of hope on a ruin as this.

Tsukate's hands trembled around the cup and he spilt some tea onto the table. Without any thought given to it, he moved them to sooth the fabric of his monk robes. He stayed silent for a long time and it only made Kakashi's fear bang against the sides of his ribs.

His gloved hands took his own cup to his masked lips and begged for the warm tea to calm the riots in his stomach and mind. His eye focussed on the spreading pool of liquid against the wooden table, watching it move and rest.

"If you also came here for some miraculous advice that will solve things, I don't have any." Tsukate sighed and pulled a cloth to wipe away the tea. "I honestly don't think there's any saving grace in this, except the truth being finally out."

"Why did you send her to Konoha?"

"Because it was the best for her."

Kakashi's fist tightened against his leg. "It obviously wasn't. You shouldn't have sent her to Konoha of all places. It was a big mistake and now not only is Gohama paying for it, but her team too."

"Her team wasn't the one getting betrayed."

"Do you even have any idea of how it is like to have a teammate defect?" He brushed a hand across his face and hair. "I shouldn't have listened to you. You're a monk, what do you know about life outside these walls? So stupid. I should have made her stay in Suna when the Kazekage tried to recruit her. We memory interrogated her. Did you know that, Tsukate? I watched a memory of you on the floor of this very room dying with a tanto to the stomach. You would let your niece find your dead body? Do you have any idea how that can fuck people up?" It had fucked him up with his father.

Tsukate just stared back at him, as Kakashi ranted. So many fucked up things had happened to Gohama in Konoha and somehow he couldn't let them spill over his lips for Tsukate to know. Kakashi couldn't understand if out of shame or sympathy.

"Her life has been a misery in Konoha." He concluded quietly. "I should have told her the truth a long time ago so she could have defected sooner."

"Do you think her life was better here? In a monastery? She spent every day for seven years training. She did nothing but grieve, be alone and train. In Konoha she had people she cared about. I heard her talk about her team. I heard the fondness in her voice and it had no grief behind it because those people are alive. They are still alive while everyone else is dead. For the first time in years there was something else behind her eyes and her smile. It wasn't a mistake. It was worth it. She has always been set on honouring Buki, being in Konoha probably would never have stopped her, but at least for a few years she had a life of her own that didn't belong to Bukigakure."

"We're shinobi. Our lives belong to our villages."

"You know it's different with Gohama. Even worse than with you. You also know that you're lashing out on me. And you also know my decision was the right one. In the few options for Gohama, sending her to Konoha was the best one. Knowing you were there and looking out for her was enough of a good reason."

"But I wasn't there… there was a time where I—"

"You're here now." He interrupted with a small smile.

He smiled too much and that was good. Kakashi wondered if Gohama would have smiled as much as him, had life been kind to her. Maybe not. Life hadn't been kind to Tsukate and he still smiled.

"All those years. How did you do it, Tsukate? How did you face her…?

"Gohama needed me."

Just as she had said she had needed him after Dazai's mission and yet Kakashi had been too selfish to stay. There was the difference, Tsukate was a good man and he was not.

The hairs at the back of his neck stood on end. Kakashi stared at him with open eyes and he just smiled back, the characteristic comforting smile, but it did little to sooth him this time. He was ready to jump out the window when Tsukate put his hand on his knee. "I need you to stay."

He didn't understand what use Tsukate needed of him now that Gohama was in the monastery.

* * *

Gohama opened her heavy eyelids to stare at the cursed seal on her forearm. It still burned, its dark blue with a glimmer of chakra to it, an afterimage of having four tails break loose. Her pathways were the most tattered she had ever felt them, even when trying to collect her chakra to her core, there were still remains scrapping all around her body. She would never have one of Kisamaru's soothing healing sessions again.

The soil under her side and head was cushioned with a thick layer of moss. The oaks of central and southern Fire had given place mostly to maples and cedars. Gohama had run and run towards Snow until she had passed out from exhaustion somewhere near the border, but still in Fire. Or maybe it was Sound. Gohama didn't know. The only thing she knew was that it wasn't Snow. What a reckless thing to do.

Still, she didn't move. Her unseeing gaze stuck to the ten tailed dragon carved into the skin of her arm, carved into every cranny of her body. Gohama was the jinchuriki. The borders between herself and the biju were nothing but thin threads of snowflakes blown away with any small breeze. And yet, she was alone. Her whole life she had lived with a creature inside of her, blended into her, mixed with her, and yet she had always been alone.

Once more, Gohama was back to having no one. At least, for a while she could pretend she was no one too. For a few more moments she could pretend she was nothing as she lay on the floor of Fire's forest, or was it Sound?, too tired to move, too anguished to move. There was freedom in being nothing, a sad and misty type of rest.

Her dry eyes pinned to the seal wedged into her life. As before, the tears were stuck behind her eyes and they wouldn't fall, she thought maybe if she cried herself to exhaustion, the pent up, consuming, overflowing anguish would burst and wash away. It kept growing, and growing, and Gohama felt herself both expanding through the seams, ready to explode, and shrinking into nothing but a tiny dark dot in the world. Whatever it was she just wished it would come and go, not swell, again and again, a vessel of swelling anguishes and nowhere to keep them in and no way for it to burst out.

The piece of truth glowed dark and stabbed inside her chest, full of betrayal and broken trust, full of grief and void. Gohama couldn't even make anger anymore.

What would her lost childhood home think of her if anyone were alive to ask the question? 'What happened to Kyura Gohama?' They would ask. 'Where is the daughter of our Inaku? The hope of our Village?'

'She is nothing but broken shards laying on the ground of Fire.' Or was it Sound?

'Shame.' They would whisper, faces staring down at their feet, with gentle shakes of their heads. 'Everyone had great expectations for her. What a shame…' Then, they would tilt their heads up, a pointed finger waving slightly as they spoke. 'But know that I think of it, there was always something missing with that girl. Still, a shame…'

So many people had died for their jinchuriki. Too many people, because they had believed she held the future of Bukigakure in her too small hands. She owed them and yet she couldn't even kill her parents' murderer when he was under her fingertips, ready to die.

Kakashi's grey eye had always held a flicker of Kunimaru's dark, droopy gaze. When he had asked her to look at him, Gohama had seen Kuni-chan's eyes as he had died from three kunai that had been marked for her. She hadn't had the strength to watch the life fade away from eyes like those again.

Always so weak. Kakashi's genjutsu had showed her the truth about herself, the truth that had been shoved into her after the massacre. Gohama was weak, so weak, not even a biju's chakra could flame her into power. She could blame Konoha and Akatsuki, but she knew. She knew, as she had always secretly known, that she was the guilty one. Everything was her fault. Her own fault.

She stared at her duty and her life written in the blue sealing inside her forearm. A monster. If she couldn't protect, if she couldn't fulfil her duty, then she was nothing but a useless monster, but a monster nonetheless.

She needed to reinforce the seal and learn how to control Seiryu's power. Maybe then, she wouldn't be so weak, a dead weight, shameful, in the glory of Buki's name. Gohama needed to go to Uncle.

But for now all she could do was lay.

* * *

The Land of Snow spread before Gohama unchanged. The pines, cedars and birches grew in a waving ocean of leaves, laid out from mount onto mount. Here the green was deeper and richer than in any other land, the trees guarded and thriving from the lively force of kodama spirits.

Gohama dropped from the branches of the massive pine and ran. The colder air of Snow slid through her throat and her lungs, all smoothness and freshness. The wild life around her buzzed and the sounds were familiar, so familiar she had to stop herself and blend into the life of the forest.

How long had it been since she had heard the characteristic hoot of a snowy owl? Or felt the smooth speckled bark of a birch other her fingertips? There had been missions in cold weather places, but never Snow, and Snow tasted different to her. It tasted of home. For four years, Gohama had forgotten the feel of home.

The earth was unchanged. Gohama continued to move north into the ageless land and she thanked the guardian kami she didn't believe in for it.

Hidden between the rocks of a clear stream, a fisherman worked his net, only the sound of splashing water and of his singing gave away his presence. Gohama stopped, her back pressed against a tree as she watched the leaves of cedars above her and heard the melody. His rough and low voice echoed through the stone in long, dragged out waves full of melancholy. His voice cried as he worked, years of life seeping through the low rumbles of his throat.

It was a common traditional song from Snow about a man coming to meet his lover near a fountain and not finding her there. The wind accompanied him, the leaves, shaking with indifference, were as sad as the fisherman. All of Snow's earth and life obliviously cried and the lonely voice of her home held Gohama's guts in a cruel grip.

It was worse, Gohama realised now. The stillness, the sameness, the unchanging face of Snow. It was so much worse. It was a land that had crystallised, it was the petrified image of a scenery and its beauty was rotten now, the kodama spirits had left the forest to drift, unrooted to the earth. Time didn't pass in a land that had no future. Life changed, but death was always the same. All of Snow had died with Bukigakure.

Gohama jumped from the ground to the tree branches. Her eyes unseeing, the images running through their corners nothing but a blur of brown and green. She ran towards the monastery, she didn't stop for sleep and didn't stop to catch her breath and rest her legs and especially she didn't stop to see and didn't stop to think.

When she was ready to collapse again and maybe let the dead forest of Snow take away the life that had always belonged to it, the monastery's indigo roof sneaked out from the green. Her breathing came harsh against her throat and the burning of her muscles finally caught up to her mind. She didn't let it bother her.

With small steps, Gohama followed the familiar path she had crossed so many times before. She stopped before the tori gate, vermillion and striking against the staircase that led up the mountainside. The monastery was a Buddhist one, built halfway towards a Shinto shrine, which had used to house the dragon kami, Kuraokami. Still, Gohama bowed in front of the tori gate and washed her hands on the fountain, its water chilling from a stream that descended through the mountain.

Her eyes followed the stone steps between two curtains of branches and cedars, little specks of light shining on the floor. What a beautiful, familiar sight and yet Gohama's dried heart could feel nothing.

Halfway towards the monastery her muscles trembled and tensed, her senses being washed over by the familiar crackling chakra. Kakashi was also here.

The dot of fear that had taken seed since finding the truth grew and overwhelmed, arms of vines wrapping all around Gohama's chest and mind as she ran towards Uncle's chakra. The monks didn't dare reprimand her disrespect as she disrupted the peaceful air of the monastery with her aura.

In an instant, she was ripping Uncle's shoji door open and pressing her tanto to Kakashi's neck. "I really did scare you, Hatake, for you to have come here." She growled, her hand wrapped around the collar of his flak jacket.

"Gohama, is that how we treat our guests?" Uncle's calm voice sounded the same and felt the same, but that was good.

"He was there. He killed them." This would be the moment of truth. Another truth and Gohama wasn't certain if she could bear it too. Tsukate didn't speak, he didn't move, he didn't react in any way, and Gohama clenched her eyes shut. It was always the silences that told her of what she needed to know. "Please… Please, Uncle…tell me you didn't already know…"

"I knew."

Gohama dropped her head, her jaw clenching with her eyes, as she bit out a quiet "fuck.". Where was her anger? She called for it with her blood. Gohama needed anger or else she would drown. "And you still sent me there?"

"It was and is the best place for you. So you could have a home, Hama-chan."

"Don't." She growled and shook Kakashi in time with her words "Don't fucking call me that. You sent me for a purpose…"

Her head dropped backwards and her stinging eyes focussed on the wooden ceiling, her mouth dragging out a hollow sighed scoff. It was too much again. She shoved Kakashi to the floor and stood up, now finally having the courage to face Uncle.

"I've been thinking about it for 10 years. And you know, there was no way the Leaf could manage to kill the high ranks without an inside help." Her heart clenched and her eyes dripped betrayal as she spoke. "I went through every possible person and the answer was right in front of me all those years. The other sole survivor." Her tone became desperate. "They were your family! How could you…?"

"They were plotting a war. We couldn't live through that again."

"So genocide?"

"The genocide was Akatsuki, Konoha killed the high ranks."

"So your brother and your friends!"

"They would have used you as a cold-blooded killing machine against Konoha, against anyone that stood in their way. The Kyura always did that to their jinchuriki…"

"I don't care. I would bear anything, do anything, become anything, if they were still alive." She shook her head. "How could you face me all those years…"

Tsukate had the audacity of giving her one of his kind quiet smiles. "It was my burden."

Gohama turned away from him, her legs suddenly weak under her. She propped her elbows on the windowsill, her hand grasping her tanto with biting force, as she pushed the heels of her hands into her eyes.

She had asked for it, she had searched and begged the universe for the truth and here it was. She knew it would have hurt, but the destruction it had made in only two days was too much to endure. Gohama felt herself crumble onto herself, the hollowness inside making the outer thin shell crack and shatter.

She had asked for it knowing it would never be easy, but it was just so fucking painful.

"Gohama." She felt uncle rise behind her.

"No. Stay down. Don't even think of getting near me."

Her snowdrop had withered into ash and dirt. All that was left was her weapon and she gasped it in her fingers, tight and desperate and begging.

"I should kill you, Tsukate. You're a traitor to your village, your clan and your family. Your own fucking brother." Gohama finally turned back to stare at Tsukate. Her right arm extending to receive the summoned tachi. "I, as the shuriken of Bukigakure, have the duty to decapitate you for treason against your Yukikage."

Her hand moved until the tip of her sword was pointing onto Tsukate's neck.

In an instant, Kakashi was grasping her wrist in a breaking force. "Did you come here to kill your uncle?" He asked, sharp and threatening. His chakra crackling against her skin and it only made her adrenaline burn back in her veins. She would fight him again if she had to. This time she wouldn't make the mistake of looking into that grey eye of his.

"No." Tsukate watched her with that mellow green gaze he always had for her. "Gohama's here for the seal. Please let go of her wrist, Kakashi." He complied, but didn't step away from her. "I can't help you with that."

"What? I'm asking one thing! One—"

"Because I can't, Gohama. I don't have enough power."

"I can give you my chakra."

"Skill, Gohama. I never reinforced it before because it's above my skill as a shinobi. But Kakashi can."

"No. Unc— Tsukate please. Not him."

"He's a good man that was following orders. I trust him."

She took firm steps towards Tsukate and she watched the slight raise of his hand, where it rested against his lap, telling Kakashi to stand down. She pressed the edge of her tachi to his neck and still his eyes didn't lose the shade of softness in them.

"Your trust means nothing to me. You mean nothing to me. Nothing. You're no Buki, no Kyura and certainly no uncle of mine."

"I understand. I am sorry I was the only one left for all those years. I'm sorry I caused you so much grief." A Scroll appeared in his hand he laid it into her own. The Seal Scroll. "You will always be both my weapon and my snowdrop, daughter of mine."

His Kyura eyes never lost their fondness. Not even as her weapon wavered against his throat, and made a drop of blood slide down his neck. They both knew she couldn't kill him.

"Your punishment won't be death. Your burden, you'll bear it for the rest of your life."

Gohama pulled away without looking back and jumped out of the window.

* * *

Under their feet was a wide and deep arena, where Gohama had trained during her time at the monastery. It was a few kilometres south and perfect for high chakra jutsu, typical of the Kyura. "Don't touch the walls, they absorb chakra." With that information, she jumped down, landing with a soft thud on the dirt floor.

Kakashi landed next to her and even if she had expected it, her tensed up muscles still flinched, ready for action. She passed it as a step forward and he seemed to take it as such, as he followed her onto the middle of the training ground.

"With no deceptions tell me, will you force me back into the Leaf after this?" Her eyes fixed on the collar of his flak jacket, never straying upwards to his face.

"No."

She took the Seal Scroll, one of the three that held all the secret information about the Kyura jinchuriki and jubi, out of her pouch. Gohama cut the palm of her hand with a kunai and let her blood and chakra fall onto the paper.

"Your hand." She bit out in a harsh demand and he obeyed. Gohama spread her blood over his palm and put the scroll in it.

Without delay, Kakashi searched for the right fuinjutsu to reinforce her jinchuriki seal. His hands flashed in a long sequence of seals and he pushed his hand onto the ground. From the contact, swirling lines and characters sprouted and glided to form a wide intricate spiral.

"Get in the middle." Gohama kneeled on the point from where the seal spread through the floor and Kakashi positioned himself next to her on one knee. "Put your arm on my leg." Again she did as he asked, the inside of her forearm turn upwards, the dark blue silhouette of a ten-tailed dragon marked in it. "This is probably going to be painful and take away all of your energy."

Kakashi shaped his fingers into the dragon hand seal and pressed his palm to her forearm. A flame of pain shot from her seal up her arm, towards every little cell in her body. Suddenly, the image of two smooth fingers pressing against her temples covered all her senses but the pain. It had been three years and still the torture at the hands of Danzo's men resurfaced. Gohama was ready to tear through the man with too smooth fingers stabbing the pain into her body again, when it stopped.

Her eyes stared into nothing. Literal nothing. An infinite expanse of blankness spread before Gohama and fear was starting to catch up, her head spinning to every side in a frantic search for anything. Then she saw him, at the corner of her eye, a monstrous swirling stain of blue.

Seiryu.

He stopped in front of her, his size engulfing and his chakra overwhelming. Still, he looked small in all the blankness that surrounded them. His eyes had a slit pupil that sucked in the dark blue of his iris. They pierced through her own as ice deep in the ocean, ancient and unbreakable, unmovable. Its expression a perfect reflection of the beast power he possessed. Her heart trembled in awe and fear. The jubi, the chakra locked inside herself, was finally staring back at her, ten enormous tails waving behind him.

"Finally we meet again, Gohama." His deep low voice thundered through her chest, vibrating all the fibres in her body, her name echoing through the void they were standing in.

She couldn't find her own voice against such an intense, rich one, that seemed to have been forged from the burning depths of the earth. "Sei… Seiryu…" She finally croaked.

His chuckle rumbled in her guts and his smirk showed off his sharp fags. "That is my name, yes." He chuckled again when Gohama's pride made her scowl back at the beast standing before her. "There she is. You shouldn't be intimidated after twenty years together, I won't bite. At least not you, Gohama, it would be very counter-productive."

"I remember having my skin burnt off by your chakra."

Seiryu laughed, hearty and honest, and a complete surprise coming from the beast he was. Then he twirled his claws dismissively, such a human gesture. "Side effects from uncontrolled cloaks. Don't worry, kiddo, I'll get you there."

"Don't call me that, _lizard_."

He laughed again. "Oh, oh, Gohama, I really wanted to meet you again. Usually it's around the tenth year of our sealing that I meet the jinchuriki, unfortunately that didn't happen with us. You're a little behind, but I'll get you there." He extended his claw in a wide gesture to show off the blank space they were in. "This is how the seal materialises. Quite humbling, don't you think? I'm pretty sure the Kyura chose this just so they could put me in my place, which didn't work." A wink accompanied his last comment. Seiryu had winked, he had actually winked at her.

Gohama shook her head and crossed her arms. "No one ever warned me about how you really are."

"You'll love me, just give it a few days."

"So we can meet again?"

"You've been here before. Don't you remember?"

The memory of that fatal night sprung to her mind. The man in the white mask, Mother's dead body, Father strengthening the seal. "I thought it had been a dream."

"This always happens when the seal is reinforced. There is a fraction of a moment where it reaches its weakest point. Kyura's jinchuriki also learn to communicate with me, I suppose there was no one left to teach you… I hoped someone would fortify the seal sooner, and then I would show you. You were too young back then and too overwhelmed for any type of explanations. I'll explain now. To enter this place do the dragon hand seal with this amount of chakra," Gohama felt it fluttered against her skin, almost nothing. "and touch your mark. Soon you'll get used to me and we can speak without you entering this place if you focus on hearing me."

"How do I know I can trust you?"

"Why wouldn't you? It's not like I have any sensible reason to go against you. We'll both die if the seal is broken and I have little decision on how my chakra is used."

"Then why can't I control it myself, why couldn't I stop myself from growing the fourth tail?"

"That was your will, your enraged will, but still yours."

Gohama closed her fist and clenched her jaw. Those words confirmed what she had always known, what she had always feared.

"You should have killed them. Especially this Hatake guy."

Gohama really didn't want to hear those words coming from Seiryu. They were the truth, but one thing was knowing them herself, another was having him say them to her. Confirm them, mark them into her skin.

"They massacred your Village in cold blood. Our clan. I want them dead. Together I know we can kill all of them, but ability was never your problem, now was it, kiddo? You just need a little push from me. I can't force you into anything, unfortunately the seal is quite well mastered, but I can persuade you."

"I'm not easily persuaded."

"Yes, I am very aware of that, you turned out quite the stubborn brat. Reminds me of your grandfather's mother. He had me inside of him and was still terrified every time his mother turned her eyes on him after he did something stupid." His claws came to rest next to his snout, and he whispered in a conspiring tone. "Which was a lot of times." Gohama laughed, having only heard heroic stories from the Blue Beast of Bukigakure, and Seiryu let out a few quiet chuckles. "They were funny together, those two…"

Seiryu's eyes softened as he looked over her head, unseeing. The little glimpse at her family's history left her longing, but not as much as the biju, who had become quiet and achingly human again. He quickly recovered, turning sharp blue eyes towards her, cunning jumping through the dark void of the pupil.

"Don't forget that twenty years is a long boring time. I've been inside you all your life. I know you better than yourself, Gohama. You're a lonely girl, broken between your weapon and your snowdrop. Much like your uncle. He chose duty, what will you choose?"

That fucking lizard. Of course he had brought up Uncle. Gohama lifted her chin, her gaze square on Seiryu's ancient one, ready to spill whatever raging words where boiling in her chest. Before she cold utter the first syllable, the beast disappeared and so did the infinite blank. Gohama was staring at Kakashi's flak jacket and the pain was back in full force.

She held on with clenched teeth, trying to still the scream that wanted to break free. There were a few seconds where she thought she wouldn't hold it in any longer, the beginnings of a groan rumbling in her throat, but then the pain stopped. The dark swirl on the ground receded into the spot where she kneeled and she stared down at it. Her vision blurred in and out of focus, the black at the corners of her eyes spread, until everything was black and she couldn't hold her weight any longer.

* * *

Kakashi wrapped an arm around Gohama's back as her face smacked against his shoulder, stopping her body from slumping onto the floor. The Kyura jinchuriki seal was incredibly more complex than the one he had used to contain Orochimaru's curse mark, and incredibly more demanding.

His breathing came out in ragged puffs and his forehead fell forward to rest against Gohama's shoulder. She would hate him for it, probably rip his head by the neck if she were awake, but Kakashi was almost crossing the line where they would both end up sprawled on the floor. His chakra reserves had taken a heavy hit and his body needed a few moments to recover before he could attempt to move at all.

Gohama smelled terrible, a blend of stale sweat, blood, dirt and moss. She had looked terrible too, with deep purple circles under her swollen eyes, and so much anguish Kakashi almost couldn't look at her. Still, under all the grime there was her feminine scent and under all the tired anguish pressed into her face, there was still her sharpness seeping through green eyes, her pride that always kept her going.

He inhaled deeply, this time with the sole purpose of marking her scent into his memory. And with that inappropriate, downright creepy moment, Kakashi chocked out of embarrassment and gained the energy to pull the both of them out of that training ground.

At the shade of a cedar tree, Kakashi stopped and sat Gohama against the trunk and himself against another in front of her.

It was cruel that Tsukate had asked him, Kakashi, her parents' killer, of all people to reinforce her seal. That was why he had needed him to stay, he had already known Gohama would come to him for that and not only to confront him.

For someone that held truth as the prime ideal in the world, Gohama had been forced into a trial by fire when it came to actually enduring it. But she had known before. No matter how naïve her take on truth, Gohama had known it would hurt and it would be cruel and still she had asked for it.

And now here they were. The truth floating around them and Kakashi didn't feel any freedom, any dropped weight. Everything felt heavier, especially the paralysing self-loathing and guilt. He was glad the truth had come out, Gohama deserved it if it was what she wanted, and yet he couldn't feel anything other than worse than scum, other than this burning compassion that didn't let him breathe.

He had read fifty pages of the new book, when Gohama started to shift with a heavy groan. She clamped her lips shut halfway through the death-like noise, her muscles tensing for an instant before relaxing back into a boneless sack of meat. Kakashi lifted an eyebrow in amusement. If she were in actual danger, that groan would already have alerted the enemies to her awake state.

Her eyelids fluttered open and she glared at him. "I thought you said you wouldn't take me back to the Leaf."

"I won't, I'm just catching up on some reading." He explained while showing off his book disguised as _Tactics_. "This is quite a lovely place."

"Quite lovely, yes…" Her muscles twitched again, the fatigue making her subtlety disastrous. He didn't moved when she jumped across their distance, a tanto pressing onto his throat. The position was becoming quite a habit for them. "Who did you call? Was it ANBU?"

"I said I wouldn't take you back to Konoha."

"But if it's someone else arresting me, then it won't be you."

"My, my, Gohama, what a devious way of thinking." She made the blade nick his mask and demanded an actual answer. "Maa, there was this cute little squirrel I psst-psst at, but he just ran away when I waved at him."

Gohama didn't appreciate his joke, her hand pulling his hair harshly and exposing more of his neck. "Why are you still here, Hatake?"

"It would be a shame if an animal attacked you while you were passed out. I spent a lot of chakra for you to die right after."

She didn't trust him anymore, but at least she could still recognise honesty.

"Oh, yes. Your precious chakra." Gohama grumbled as she pulled herself and her tanto away from him. "Well, I'm awake now, you can go." She shooed him with her hands as if he were a pigeon.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm pretty sure that doesn't concern you and never did. So just leave me alone and go back to your precious Konoha, tell Tsunade to send the hunter-nin." Her lips twisted into a sneer. "How funny. She always used to threaten me with that when I did something she didn't like. Guess she'll be true to her words, after all."

"You have no idea what you're getting yourself into, Gohama. Everyone is after you now. Konoha, Rogue nin, Akatsuki, who knows maybe even the other villages. Everyone."

"Let them come. Seiryu and I will need training partners."

"Don't be cocky. Cockiness ends up with people dead."

"I'm counting on it."

Kakashi took a step towards Gohama, ready to scold her as he would one of his students, ex-students, when a loud explosion sounded north of them. Her eyes mirrored his as they widened.

"It came from the monastery."

Both started running.

He was certain Hansuke hadn't told Tsunade about Gohama. He would try to protect her from the life of a missing-nin and enemy of Konoha for as long as he could. Whatever excuse he had forged over their lack of return after a mission, it must have worked, since no one had tried to come into contact with Kakashi.

That left Akatsuki. Suddenly Furuta Chin's little act before Gohama killed him made sense. Kakashi knew he had been stalling them, even Gohama in all her rage had understood that, and now he knew why. He had wanted to draw Akatsuki's attention. The real battle he had spoken of wasn't between Furuta and Gohama, nor them and her, but Akatsuki and her. The tailed beast chakra was definitely still lingering in that valley and any skilled ninja searching for it would have felt it right away.

Akatsuki. They were dealing with Akatsuki, Kakashi with less than half of his miserable chakra reserves and Gohama still recovering from a jinchuriki cloak and reinforced seal. Maybe running towards the monastery was not the wisest decision, but she wouldn't stop. It had been her home for seven years and Tsukate was there.

Gohama tensed beside him and heightened her speed. She had already felt the enemies' chakra. Kakashi would have to make a decision before they came too close and there was no escape. The trees they were passing were buzzing from the energy released in the explosion and he clenched his jaw. But maybe with Tsukate's help they could survive, maybe they could save him and no one would have to die.

Then he felt it. Uchiha Itachi's chakra signature. Of all the Akatsuki it had to be him. Kakashi didn't even try to reason with Gohama. He jumped the distance between them and tackled her to the ground.

"What are you doing? We have to help Uncle." Gohama hissed as she flayed under him, trying to pull him off her.

"You're still very weak and I lost most my chakra. We could never win."

"I can't just stay here and do nothing."

This time she used her chakra to shove him away. As she started running again, Kakashi caught her ankle and yanked it towards himself, making her fall. She kicked at his hands, but he didn't let go of his hold on her. When blunt force didn't work, she covered her leg with chakra and waited for it to burn his hand, which it did. Kakashi didn't bear the pain for long and again she was free.

"We're lucky they haven't sensed us. They are searching for you, Gohama. Tsukate wouldn't want—"

"I'm done with people sacrificing themselves for me."

Kakashi jumped to tackle her again, managing to grip both her wrists and lock her to his front. This time, he promised himself to bear the pain from having her Kyura chakra burn into his flesh. Gohama grunted as she struggled and before she could yell, he covered her mouth with his hand. Instead she whispered against his palm. "Please…"

"Gohama, we can't win this time. We'll all die."

She still flayed under his hold, but there was no real fight behind it. From this far they could see the three silhouettes. Tsukate being held by his throat, his feet dangling in the air. Her chakra flared, echoing her own internal struggle. He held his breath, waiting for the turn of Itachi's head towards them that never came. It was a godsend that they hadn't been sensed yet.

"Control your chakra or I'll put you to sleep with the sharingan." Kakashi hissed against her ear and Gohama for once obeyed without hindering things.

Her shoulders shook against his chest and Kakashi kept his strong hold on her, still not trusting Gohama to not run and put her life at risk. If even his heart was breaking at watching his friend get killed without moving a hand to help him, he couldn't grasp what Gohama was feeling. Just the realisation of what was coming, of the certainty of Tsukate's death, was enough to freeze his guts with dread for his own loss and for hers.

He felt wet drops falling onto his hands and forearms, the salty smell of tear plunging through his nose. In two days Kakashi had seen Gohama cry more than the four years that she had been in Konoha.

One of the Akatsuki pulled his sword back and swung it across Tsukate's stomach. A killer blow. Gohama's scream was muffled against his palm. They let him fall to the ground, disregard clear in the careless gesture, and left.

His decision had been the right one. He tried to console himself in knowing this was what Tsukate had wanted, for him to protect Gohama, for him to stop her from doing anything reckless and stupid. But there was no reasoning that could fade away the self-loathing sinking his insides to lead. Obito's words that Kakashi had made his own screamed inside his head. 'Those who leave their friends behind are worse than scum.'

When he deemed it safe, Kakashi let go of Gohama and she fell on the grass onto her hands and knees. He pulled himself up and stared at his worn, wet hands before pushing them inside his pockets.

"I'm sorry." He whispered the useless, meaningless words that fell on deaf ears, and still he had had the need to say them.

Gohama pulled herself up, her feet stumbling under the weight of death, of loss. She didn't move, she just stared ahead to the slump body of her uncle. Kakashi waited for her. He would walk when she chose to walk.

First she gave one hesitant step, her eyes never straying from Tsukate's body. She was scared of seeing him dead, he could feel it in her chakra. Kakashi was scared too. The next step and then the next and then she was running and he followed behind her.

Tsukate lay on the ground, a deep oozing gash on his stomach soaked his monk robes in red. His face was the palest Kakashi had ever seen and his breathing came out in quick, wet gasps. There was no saving him, his life was tied only by a thin thread.

His green eyes focussed and unfocussed on Gohama's face as she threw herself to her knees beside him, her hands glowing green as she tried to heal him with poor medical jutsu. "Don't leave me too, Uncle. I forgive you, I… please, don't go…"

"You're here…" His throat made watery gurgling sounds as he spoke. "You're safe…" His eyes flickered to Kakashi and he sent him a silent gratitude, a silent plea. 'Again, watch after her when I'm not there.' 'I promise.'

He tried to reach for her and Gohama took his blooded hand and rested against her cheek. "Kami please…" She was crying, Kakashi could hear it in her voice. "Why did you do this, Uncle, why…? They can take Seiryu, I don't care. They can have him…"

Tsukate smiled his consoling smile, but it had a different depth than the ones he had offered their fellow soldiers during the war, that one had kindness and compassion, this one was gleaming in love for Gohama.

"I didn't do it for him. I did it for you, my dear Hama-chan."

His words only made her cry more, her sobs loud and broken. Kakashi turned his eyes away from them. He was witnessing something where he didn't belong, where he would only taint things. With a final long gasp, the noise screaming of death, Tsukate's breathing disappeared and his chakra started fading away from his pathways, then his core. His life flying away into the air and the earth.

Gohama went quiet too, as she closed Tsukate's eyelids and crossed his arms over his chest. Kakashi couldn't tell how long it had been while they stayed there, Gohama looking down on her uncle's dead body and him looking away, to the indigo roof of the monastery.

A monk approached them and Kakashi only noticed him and he spoke quietly to Gohama. "We can clean the body in time for a funeral at sundown. The Kyura way."

He waited for her answer with a stilled breath.

"Yes…" she let out a hoarse whisper. "The Kyura way."

Good, Kakashi thought, even if he had no right of thinking it.

Other monks came and they took away Tsukate. Kakashi didn't watch any of it, he continued to stare at the indigo roof of the monastery, his own shadow growing across the grass as the sun glided over his side and reflected back on the dark tiles.

"You can leave, now."

Gohama had gotten up and he finally shifted on his feet to face her, but she was looking over the edge of the cliff. "I would like to stay. Tsukate is a good man, a good friend."

Gohama stayed silent, her hands trembling where she held them against her chest. She turned to him, first only her profile. Her cheek was stained with Tsukate's blood and it only made the cavernous white of her skin shout. Kakashi had thought that image was gut-wrenching, until she finally turned fully to him.

All the desolation he thought he had seen marked to her eyes was nothing compared to this. Not even betrayal had taken that much from her. Gohama was hollow.

A lump pressed to his throat and it stung and it made his eyes sting as they hadn't in a long time. He had seen that expression on so many other faces before, but on Gohama's it hit him deeper, it… It reminded him of Rin after Obito's death. Kakashi forced himself to keep looking, to accept the burden of those terrifying hollow eyes. Was it showing in his own eye? Even if it were, Gohama wouldn't see it. She looked blind.

"After everything I know… why does it hurt so much?"

There was a plea behind her words as she whispered them to him, but Kakashi didn't have anything good he could give her or anything he could hold for her. He kept his hands in his pockets fighting the impulse to reach out for Gohama, maybe try to wash out the blood in her cheek or just hug her. But that was ridiculous, he didn't comfort people and he certainly didn't hug them. Tsukate had been the one that could fill hearts with hope from just a smile and now he was dead. People couldn't even see Kakashi's mouth.

Still, in that moment, he would have taken the entire weight of the world for Gohama if he could have.

Then she turned her face away from him, her eyes back to the cliff at the feet of the monastery, the sea of green forest under the mountain. Kakashi let out a shaky puff, short and painful, as the pressure in his chest eased and he could breathe again.

His hand reached for a small pebble that rested beside his sandal and saved it inside his pouch. He would put it on the Memorial Stone. Kyura Tsukate. Another name added to the long list etched under his skin. Another good person he couldn't save. Another dead friend.

* * *

Uncle rested on the clear grey bark, almost white, of a birch platform. Laying there, he would have seemed to be sleeping if not for the still stony lines of his face. Static, cold and striking, painted with the shadows of death. His sage green haori clashed against the fur of the white wolf cloak and the Kyura colours made everything more beautiful, more proper, more dead. In life, Uncle wore dark robes, sometimes ochre, but never green nor white.

His arms were crossed and laid on his chest. The right hand held his katana, the left hand held snowdrop flowers. His weapon and his snowdrop. Seeing them made Gohama's heart shudder against her ribs and her hand clasp the fabric above her chest. Uncle had said she had been his weapon and his snowdrop and Gohama had told him he was nothing to her. Poor Kyura Tsukate, whose life had been given for the wrong person.

Another heavy full life sewed to the flesh on her chest, another life she would never be able to live up to.

The funeral procession began. The monks hummed mournful hymns, their low voices echoing over the red light of sundown. They showed no grief. The mourning recognised the end of a path and the beginning of another, the loss of a companion and the gratitude for his life. But they didn't hurt as she did from death. Their sadness was quiet and light.

For seven years, Gohama had witnessed and marvelled at the soft bliss carved into the faces of the monks, into their smiles and simple laughs. She had never been more than a spectator of the eternal plane where they lived, sacred and whole and simple. Always a foreigner recognising the language but without understanding its meaning. Gohama had marvelled, but now, as they sang their sacred hums, and took Uncle's death without grief, she resented them.

Her eyes fixed on Uncle's face as she took small steps forward, as she followed the casket carried by four monks at their waist height. The family was always to lead the funeral procession. For Kyura Tsukate, only Gohama could. And when she died there would be no one to follow her casket, to receive and give the mark. It was sad, but there was freedom in it. Her snowdrop was dead, now all her being could become her weapon. Uncle had taken his burden with strength and kindness. Now Gohama would take hers.

The sun was resting right above the flamed horizon as they reached the burial site. A few steps forward and they would be at the edge of the cliff. Gohama watched the line dividing the grass of the cemetery and the trees below them, as the Abbot sang the prayers of the Kyura ritual. It was beautiful. She felt it pierce straight through her heart, her eyes stinging with it, as the solemn beauty of rituals and concrete beauty of nature merged into one. Uncle would have loved it too.

The line of the horizon split the sun in half. A monk extended a wooden basin filled with red powder. Gohama dipped her two fingers, swirling them around the velvet texture. With weak, trembling steps, she neared Uncle's body. Her whole heart trying to open up for this moment, trying to capture and save everything that would come from it.

Her fingers pressed onto Uncle's temple and she slid them onto the other side of his forehead, a red line marking his pale skin.

"May the deceased's mind protect and complement the living." The Abbot spoke.

Gohama drew the same line on her own forehead, a few speckles of powder falling over her nose and cheeks.

Again, she dipped her fingers into the silky powder. On Uncle's face, she drew another line from the middle of the first following the middle of his eyes, his nose and his mouth.

"May the deceased's eyes, nose and mouth protect and complement the living."

Gohama drew the same line from her forehead to her chin.

Again, she dipped her finger into the red bowl. Following the same mark, she drew another from his neck on to his chest.

"May the deceased's heart protect and complement the living."

Gohama drew the same line on her neck and chest.

"May all past ancestors dwell in their living descendants. May the living descendants carry in them all their past ancestors. Through blood that bonds and name that lingers."

Her heavy eyelids wavered and closed at the weight crushing through her shoulders. Gohama forced herself to take the burden of Uncle's death, to watch the red marks on his skin as they mirrored the ones on her own flesh. Her heart had to be open and accept, but Gohama wasn't sure she could be capable of that. Gohama wasn't sure if she had shed her barriers and had let the sacred bond between blood and clan engrave onto her being.

It should feel different from this void, this crippling emptiness that kept on adding and growing. She should feel full with the spirit of her ancestors, of her family, not like an empty carcass left to wither in the sun.

Gohama had never received and given the marks to Father, Mother and Yukine. Did they dwell in her? How could they, if she could only feel loss, if her empty, beaten heart could not be more than half? Maybe Uncle Tsukate would, maybe she had opened herself to him. She hoped, she didn't believe it, but she hoped.

The sun had disappeared over the distant line of mountains. The burning red had given place to pink. It was time to bury the dead.

"May the stillness and nothingness of night hold your life until the morning."

As the monks lowered the body, Gohama sang the epitaphic song of the Kyura. Her voice was lonely in the rising night, it was a song only for the family to sing. Her voice broke in the last verses, her throat tight and aching, but there were no tears this time. No matter how much she wanted to give them to Uncle, she had no tears.

Uncle's body reached the bottom of the grave. His face covered in shadows, almost too dark to see. She wanted to see it, she didn't want to part from the flesh and bone image of Uncle. And still, this was it, the shadow veiled his face in black and that was the last time she would see it.

Gohama remembered that when her grandmother had died Mother had cut her hair in grief. It was a Kyura tradition.

She summoned her tanto, the tanto that had belonged to Mother, the tanto that had been a gift for becoming a genin, the tanto that she had offered her Yukikage and her Village as a symbol of her warrior duty. Her weapon.

Her other hand grabbed her long hair, as it flowed down onto the middle of her back, dark as night's veil. Her grip was tight around the corded handle as she brought the blade against her hair. With a precise and sharp swipe, her hair came loose against her shoulders and chin. Spreading her hand forward, she let the tresses glide down through the air and fall over Uncle's body.

Hair and grief for a dead father.

Gohama kneeled down to grab a handful of soil. She brought it to her nose and inhaled the moist, earthy scent of the Land of Snow. The land had given him his life and now Uncle gave his life back to it. He belonged in the earth of Snow, of the monastery. She let the grains slip into the grave, falling onto her hair and Uncle's unmoving chest.

Finishing her part of the ritual, Gohama stepped back and the others followed her action. She kept looking into the pit, Uncle gradually being concealed and her throat tightening with it, her chest aching for him. The grave was fully covered. Only a lump of earth looking over Snow's forest.

It was certain and final. Painful, so utterly painful.

Kyura Gohama, the last and only one.

Night had fully fallen onto the horizon. Gradually the monks left. Yamato-san passed by her with a kind smile and compassionate hand on her shoulder. Gohama nodded in gratitude, she couldn't even fake a smile for monk Yamato. Then, she noticed one of his white roses laying next to the snowdrops on the mound of soil. If only Uncle would have known that he was worthy of one of Yamato's roses.

The hours ran with the stars and the night of vigil passed. The night of nothingness and death. With the first rays of sun, the monks returned with lighter chants and mellowed voices.

"Our bodies belong to the earth, our spirits belong to the sky. May you come to rest in the essence of the world, under the morning light, Kyura Tsukate." The Abbot said.

The birth of a new day. Uncle's spirit rose himself from his body and flew, light and free. No more pain, no more grief, guilt, or burden. Death was freedom. And loss, but no matter how much Gohama missed Uncle, her heart smiled because Uncle was finally free.

With a last glance over the mound covered in flowers, she left the graveyard. There was nothing left for her in that place.

"Are you leaving?"

The voice startled her. How could she had forgotten Kakashi was still there? Had he stayed there the entire night of vigil?

"Yes."

"You should stay for one more night." She ignored him and continued walking. "There's no reason for rushing. They could still be out there."

"Even better."

He grabbed her arm and yanked her to turn to him. "Then I'll have to take you back to the Leaf. Your carelessness is a liability."

She grabbed his wrist with a cruel, chakra-enhanced hold and pulled it away from her arm. "Really, Hatake, you're going to threaten me?"

He pushed his hands inside his pockets. "If I have to. It's still not safe out there. I made a promise."

His quiet tone reached into her grieving chest and she averted her eyes from his. Raising her chin, she asked, "Are you going to be my shadow now?"

"I don't like it either, but a promise is a promise. At least, until you're safe to go."

For Uncle. She would accept being treated as a fresh genin by the man that had killed her parents, because it would ease Uncle's spirit. She turned on her heel and walked away.

"Where are you off to?"

"Washing my face. Don't worry, I won't burn myself with water."

"You have to leave it for the day. It's the tradition."

Gohama turned sharply. "How could you possibly know?"

"I could never forget the Kyura's funeral ceremony…"

She kept walking. Kakashi had been to a Kyura funeral before. Perhaps during the war… She decided not to wash the red powder. Maybe it would work, maybe her heart had been open to welcome Uncle. Gohama didn't believe it, but she hoped.

* * *

That night Gohama didn't sleep. Every time her eyelids fluttered closed, Uncle's dead face drew itself in tones of red and ash. Then the ones of Father, Mother and Yukine. Sometimes the clansmen that she had already honoured with the death of Furuta. Even of her childhood friends, Haku, Isune and Kunimaru. Even her alive teammates, Nikato, Kisamaru and Hansuke.

Too exhausted to pretend, Gohama pulled the duvet away from her body and brought her knees against her chest, her hands absently tugging at the ragged edges of her hair.

Gohama had nothing but her weapon, nothing but her duty. She would follow it and bear it with the simplicity and endurance of Uncle Tsukate.

Bukigakure. Her only place was in Bukigakure and there was where she would train, as all the past jinchuriki had trained before her.

She stood up and sneaked inside Kakashi's room. She was sure he wasn't asleep, but for whatever reason inside his confusing head, he didn't move so she didn't hesitate in searching his backpack and pouches.

The three secret jinchuriki scrolls. The Chakra Scroll, the Seiryu Scroll and the Seal Scroll. Uncle truly did trust him if he had trust these to Hatake Kakashi.

Her fingers flexed open and close as she stared at the Seal one. She saved the other two inside her back pouch and with one last glance towards the Seal Scroll, she stood.

The chilling air crashed against her face as she opened the window and crouched on the sill.

"Be careful." She heard Kakashi whisper and his voice lingered in her ears.

She jumped.

* * *

_I imagined the song Gohama sang during the funeral as the melody of "Tennyo no Uta" from the Studio Ghibli movie, Princess Kaguya (I recommend it. It's beautiful). It served as a background music for my writing. _

_In Japan, cremation is more traditional and common than burials, but I thought the last was more consonant with Kyura culture. __The cutting the hair tradition has inspiration in Ancient Greece, I think this is also a practice in other cultures. _

_As always, thank you very much for reading and stay safe!_


	43. V - Chapter 3

_My lovely readers, sorry it took longer than usual to upload but I was on vacation and had little time and mental availability to write._

_I forgot to contextualise this inside canon timeline. This is happening about two months before Jiraiya goes to Amegakure and fights Pain. (I'm taking a little liberty with the time gaps between arcs.)_

_We're pass 50 followers, that's amazing! As always thanks you for accompanying me through this story, please review and stay safe!_

* * *

Part V | Chapter 3

* * *

Nothing stirred along the avenue. The stillness of death had settled over the devastated the wind of Snow, cold and ghostly, made the overgrown grass sway, and yet it didn't wash away the still and quiet that drenched every little crevasse of Bukigakure.

It hit her as a chakra blow to the front, her breath caught against the ache in her chest. Gohama's fingers tightened around the wooden beam of the gate, as her legs faltered under her. Still she didn't let herself fall. For too long minutes, she stayed still, afraid that any movement would break the faltering balance that kept her from crumbling completely, just as her village had crumbled and was crumbled at her feet.

Climbing over the hill, the wrecked houses precariously held themselves. On the highest point of the city, the silky blue curve of a palace's roof lurked through the chaos. It had been the Yukikage's working building. She had used to wait on the roof, tenderly enjoying her village's scenery, for Father to come home.

Gohama knew it would bring the waves rocking against all her sides, she had steeled herself for it, anticipated the wreaking blow, and yet she felt ready to fall and never pick herself up again. She wanted to, she couldn't, but in those few minutes where she tried not to shatter again, she really wanted to just let herself be nothing.

Her hand moved to wrap around the handle of her tachi, sheathed on her back. The skin of her palm pressing against the silk wrapping, feeling every dent. Her weapon. Gohama couldn't forget, especially not as she finally saw what the massacre had meant. She couldn't forget how she was nothing but her weapon. Only when her duty would complete and she would lay it back at her Village's feet could she be nothing.

A step forward and it reminded her of the ones she had taken towards Uncle just the day before. The image of his blooded body and his cold dressed up corpse branding into her pupils. She had never seen the bodies of her compatriots ready for a funeral. She would bury now every body she could find, even if they were nothing but bones now.

Another step forward through the avenue that Gohama had walked upon when returning home from a mission, when strolling around the shop stalls; when stopping on the festival stands with lights around her, stones under her feet, and so many people bumping into her, noisy and moving and alive.

It was empty now.

She searched Bukigakure in Bukigakure and yet she couldn't find it there, in the broken, dirty stones of fallen houses, in the still grave of a life that was no longer there. What had she expected? Definitely not life, but not this emptiness either.

She could recognise the façade of Izumi's Pastry Shop, where she had used to buy two scoops of lemon ice cream after the most ruthless team trainings. Haku always went for strawberry and chocolate, Hiashi for green tea and Katsuo-sensei for coffee and vanilla. She could recognise the holed roof of the Academy, where Gohama and Isune would lay on during Inoki-sensei's classes and giggle when he couldn't find them. She recognised the mountain slop around which Buki spread, the narrow streets snaking around it.

Now, they were nothing but fallen rocks and empty houses. Everything they had brought with them during her childhood was gone and not even the empty carcass held something of Bukigakure, except for the faint, cold memory of what had been and would never be again.

The glory and beauty had ceased with the life of the village and if left nothing but void and stone.

She stopped over the Deiji Bridge. What remained and lasted was the river, as it had before, cold, distant and running. It would remain through years until there was nothing but weeds around him and the stone remains of Buki where buried under brown earth and deep roots, forgotten and gone.

Gohama had used to meet her friends there. Isune, Haku and Kunimaru. Now they all lay dead somewhere.

Worse than the devastation of the buildings was the abandonment, the despairing silence. Where once was life, death's mute presence ruled. A land of no man.

Gohama stopped before the white wolf crest carved into the stone of the Kyura compound gate. She was nothing but a lone wolf now, with no pack. It shouldn't matter, because she still had her obligation to them and through her, through her duty, they remained.

A step forward on the cracked pavement stones, on each side of her the white façades of her clan's home. There were weeds and trees overgrown, but most of the buildings persisted, only the sings of time and abandonment marked into them, but not of battle. They had all died quietly with no chance for defense. One of the strongest shinobi clan's erased from existence with no trace, no greatness.

Why didn't she feel rage? Why did the injustice translate into desolation? She wanted to cry but the tears behind her eyes wouldn't fall. Images of the fatal night rushed into her mind, of her running through those streets, away from the battle, away from her people. She forced herself to remember, to relive it. It didn't change. Her memories brought only more quiet, empty despair.

It didn't matter. Gohama would fight for the Kyura now and she would revive their greatness.

And suddenly she was standing her home's gate. Her eyes fixed on the ground as she crossed the threshold onto the wasted front garden. They were heavy as she tried to lift them, following the path of stone, to settle on the manor.

Hansuke. Her heart jumped inside her ribs at the sudden image of him. He was sitting at the entrance steps, his face hidden in his hands as he supported them on his knees. As she stood there, staring at him, he raised his head and, after surprise lightened his expression, he smiled and stood up too.

"Gohama."

"What are you doing here?" Her voice leaving with a biting edge she hadn't intended to show.

"You obviously know why I'm here. I'm glad you're safe."

She moved then, her feet dragging through the stoned path, the small ponds had drained out and the grass spouted through the stones. She didn't answer as she moved pass him, forcing herself not to hesitate in front of the two steps.

"I won't go back, you should leave now."

Her eyes were pinned to the front door of her family home, the front door she hadn't passed through for eleven years. It seemed smaller now, the handle staying at her waist height, everything looked smaller. Her hand rested on the handle and she breathed in, trying to force herself to slide it open. Why was it so hard? What was she afraid of? Whatever was behind that door it couldn't be worse than the devastation she had seen moments before.

The door rammed a little, forcing her to pull it hard and making it smack to the other side. Gohama jumped at the sound, her stiff muscles snapping from the noise. Another deep breath and she was standing inside the genka. Her eyes flew over the shoes that were still saved there, waiting to be put on again. One more image of life crystallised in time, rotten and dead.

Out of habit, a habit that even after eleven years was still ingrained in her body, Gohama took off her sandals. Behind her, she heard Hansuke do the same. She had almost forgotten he was there. Again, she just had to move forward, just keep walking inside.

The tatami floors were ruined, with dark mould stains and threads of straw ripped apart. The pungent musty smell was enough to make Gohama's eyes sting and she pulled her shirt to cover her nose. She would have to take them out if she were to live there during her training.

Her feet averted the stains as she walked through the main divisions of that floor, keeping away from Mother and Father's offices. The sparse decoration was as she remembered. A few vases had fallen off their spot and were shattered on the floor. The tables and furniture were covered in a thick layer of dust and dirt, but other than the typical signs of abandonment and of the passage of time, her home was the same.

Her mind focussed on the different tasks needed to make the house liveable, as long as she thought of them, she wouldn't let the weight settle in her heart and ache. Her eyes never lingered on the personal objects scattered around the house, from toys to books and scrolls, to Father's favourite cup.

With another rough push, Gohama opened the doors that lead to the engawa and the garden. The barriers of practicality that she had built around herself almost crumbled. It was ruined. Mother's pride and joy was nothing but a barren patch of land with overgrown weeds and a drained out pond.

Gohama stopped on the engawa, her gaze stuck to the stone wall at the end of the garden. She wouldn't go upstairs, where a puddle of Mother's blood was sure to have marked the floor. Her arms wrapped around herself as a cold wind swiped through the ragged edges of her hair, the same way the twigs and grass outside swayed without any direction.

Gohama thought Bukigakure would feel like home. It felt like crumbled stoned and the grief of desolation.

Her nerves fired with a jolt at the feel of Hansuke's fingers on her chin. "Who died?" He was touching the remains of the red powder.

"I forgot I still had this on…" Gohama mumbled as she shook his finger off and wiped the powder from her face.

"Gohama, who died?"

"Uncle Tsukate." Her eyes finally turned to his as she answered. They shouldn't have, his hazel eyes had deep purple circles around them, and he had the most miserable expression she had seen mark his face.

"I'm sorry…" He whispered, his voice small and broken. "Was it Akatsuki?"

"Who else would kill a monk in his own monastery?" She bit out.

"They're searching for you. You should come back, you'll be safe in Ko—"

"Don't say it. Don't dare fucking say it!"

Her jaw clenched and her hands trembled. Hansuke seemed to be trying to exasperate her, with his heartbroken expression he had no right to show and his comments about coming back to the place that had lied to her for four years. He had lied to her for four years.

"Where are the bodies? I want to bury them."

"You don't know? Come, I'll show you."

* * *

The Black Pine Park stood at the southern edge of Bukigakure, blending from wide grass fields, now filled with overgrown weeds, into the forest around the village. Civilians had mostly frequented it, as it stood next to the civilian district. Gohama had went there only for the firefly festival in summer, where all villagers would gather to watch the yellow lights glide around the air and pines.

Even before crossing the tori gate that hadn't been there before, Gohama could see the grey gleam of stone break through the overgrown weeds. It scared her how just that thin sliver of an image made her heart sink inside her chest. Still, she bowed before the gate and still she walked across the rows of gravestones all around them, spreading through meters of grass, thousands and thousands of gravestones to mark every single countrymen that had died. And here Gohama was, alive. Her heart thrumming through her ears, fast and burning and strong, and so alive it made bile rise to the back of her throat and her head dizzy.

Her eyes followed the blank and written stones, trying to mark every name, most of them she didn't even recognise, into her skin. She needed to feel the full meaning of the massacre, of the death of every single person, of all of her village. It was so painfully tangible now, so heavy and glistering in her skin. Gohama had grieved all of them before and yet it hurt with the same gut-wrenching intensity again, as if taking poison to a still open wound.

"Konoha arranged this memorial site." She flinched at the sound of Hansuke's voice, having forgotten he was there. "They were all buried by their clans' traditions and grieved as heroes, including the civilians. Konoha couldn't discloser its own involvement, but we tried to honour Buki as an allied nation. Some people were identified, others were not."

"Where's my family?" She whispered and winced at the roughness of her voice as it left her throat.

Hansuke's hand reached for hers, but, before he could touch her, he pulled back and nudged her shoulder instead. "Come."

It shouldn't have surprised her that he wouldn't hold her hand and still she found herself frowning at his, as he moved through the graveyard. He was stopping himself from touching her more for her benefit than his. Did she want him to touch her? Gohama wasn't sure.

They stopped at the front row of the memorial. Her eyes brushed through the four names carved into granite, beside them blue and white wildflowers carefully placed. What did people do in front of memorials? Gohama had never had one to honour. They prayed perhaps, they talked to nothing but a cold stone, they left offerings like food and flowers, yes, flowers…

"There are flowers…" She whispered. It seemed her voice had lost all its energy too.

"I put them there."

She wanted to reach for his hand, to see as her pale fingers intertwined in his dark ones, squeeze once and then let go. She wanted him to know how much she cherished the flowers he had left for her family. But she couldn't do it. Gohama didn't know why, but she couldn't.

"Who received and gave them the mark?"

"For most Kyura, any Leaf shinobi or citizen that volunteered. Sandaime" The Hokage's name made her frown. How could he have given the order to assassinate so many allied shinobi in their own home, a Yukikage in his own bedroom? "decided that the ANBU agents would mark and be marked by… the target they killed…"

Her gaze snapped to his hazel and mellow one, mellow for his friend. "He didn't even have to be ordered. Kakashi volunteered to perform the ceremony on your entire family. Even you…"

That was why he knew for how long to leave the red powder. Could he even grasp the significance of the mark between dead and living? That it was believed they now lived through him? And did they…? She looked down at the graves of her dead family, Father, Mother and Yukine. Did they live somewhere, anywhere? Or had they just vanished as she felt they had, leaving nothing but a hole inside of her?

Did he care about the people he had killed? Did he feel guilty? She hoped so, the beastly side of her hoped he was suffering with it.

Gohama read their names. Inaku, Misaka and Yukine. They had been dead for eleven years, yet, in that moment, they died again. The rush of grief shoving into her front as it had on Uncle's funeral, but this time her eyes stung and all the pent up anguish was ready to wash out with the tears. She didn't let it. Hansuke's chakra was pressing to her side and she was acutely aware that he was here, that he had been here on the day her village had been slaughtered and on the day of their funerals. Gohama would have cried before, but now she held back her tears, only letting her chakra tremble and a shaky breath ease the ache in her chest.

Kyura Gohama, she read her name carved into the stone between Mother and Yukine's. Her body should have been in there too, beside everyone else. She should have been there, lifeless and rotting, nothing but bones. Why had she made it out alive? Why had she run away? Gohama knew why. In her weakest moments, she had wished secretly in her heart that she hadn't run away, that she had died with her Village on that day.

She reminded herself that she needed to feel all this again. She needed to know the full, cruel and degrading, meaning of what had happened to the people of Bukigakure eleven years ago. How every name was carved into stone because of her. Thousands of people, her people, all lying dead under feet, nothing but earth or ashes, because of her, because of that miserable power inside of her. Was there a purpose for her? She couldn't feel it… They had died for nothing and she had lived for nothing… The purpose of the jinchuriki was to protect the Village. She had failed that.

Gohama read her name. In her heart, they had died again. But this time it was different, this time she felt herself die beside them. She tried to quiet down the cavernous anguish that she had been enduring for so long. She tried to embrace the faintness of the breeze and the smooth light from the sky, but her heart didn't change. It would never change, she had accepted that a long time ago.

"Can we pretend… for just a moment… pretend you didn't…"

"Yes…"

He moved towards her, his arms opened, and Gohama waited until his body wrapped around hers and she could let her legs falter under her, knowing that he would hold her up. Her chin rested against her chest as she shrank deep into his hug. Still there were no tears, just shaky breathless puffs and a closed stinging throat.

But there was something missing in Hansuke's embrace. His chakra was the same but if felt different as it seeped into her skin, the earthiness was still there and the steady flow, but it didn't sooth as before. She hated it. She hated it so much.

There was no pretending. Still it was better than falling alone on the ground.

Kyura Gohama, the stone marked. And she renounced to everything that she had been in the eleven years after the massacre, everything she had been in Konoha, everything she could have been there. She renounced to all things past and future. There was no doubt anymore, no hesitance, nothing or no one to hold her back from the purpose of her life. There was no self, there ought to be no self, only blood, name and duty, only the sharpness of a blade ready to pierce and kill. The Gohama from the past eleven years erased and dead.

She was the jubi jinchuriki, she was the shuriken of Bukigakure.

* * *

Gohama sat on the roof of the Yukikage Palace, watching the devastated village under her. She had sat there so many times before, waiting for Father to leave the office, trying and failing to sneak up on him. Now, she just let the soft breeze ruffle her hair and tried to breathe through everything she had seen today. It had been hours, maybe, the sun was already dipping behind the west flank of the mountains. Hansuke hadn't talked or even moved for all the time they were there.

It was time to push forward, now. Gohama stood up and behind her Hansuke did too.

"Are you just going to follow me around?"

"Until you are ready to leave."

Her fingers moved to rub circles against her temples. "How hard is it for you to understand that I'm not going back."

"There's nothing for you here anymore, Gohama… At least, in Konoha you have friends and—"

"There's nothing for me in Konoha." She bit out as she spun around, her back facing him.

"What about our team? Kisamaru, Nikato, me, you… We've already lost Ayame, a teammate, not you too…"

Her hand rubbed down her face at his words. He was using the dead teammate card to force pity out of her.

"I'm no longer your teammate."

"Turn around, Gohama. Say that to my face."

She obeyed, her eyes sharp and cold as she pinned them to his. "I'm not your teammate. And I'm definitely not a kunoichi working with Konoha."

Instead of countering her harshness in the same manner, Hansuke's face fell into a soft, almost disappointed, sadness. "You know what the life of a missing nin means. You're seriously going rogue, Gohama?"

"You don't understand, do you…? I'm not going rogue! I've been rogue since the Arms was killed! I have no Village, Konoha is not my Village, and it's definitely not my home… It never was."

"Don't the past years mean anything to you…?"

"They were what they were."

"What about us?"

"Us, Hansuke? You're seriously going there? You're seriously asking about us?" A bitter chuckle ripped through her throat as she shook her head. "You asked me to marry you! It may have been pillow talk but you meant it. You knew you were deceiving me in what matters the most in my life and you fucking asked me to marry you! Can't you see how fucking disgusting that is?"

His eyes glazed over and Gohama could see the raise of his jawbone as he clenched his teeth. "I know…"

"Then how could you…?"

"I couldn't tell you, I couldn't leak the information… and…"

"And what? You thought it didn't matter if I never found out? That we could have this perfect little life being all happy and shit even though you'd lie to me every single day."

"I didn't want to lie to you, Gohama. I… I…" He brushed his hand roughly through his hair, as his eyes turned redder and his voice shook with every word. "I don't know, okay? I don't fucking know! It just happened. I was stupid, trying to ignore what was so clearly a hole I was getting us into… One day we were suddenly in too deep and I was scared…"

"And now I finally understand why you never resented me. Of course you never resented me for not loving you. You probably felt you were lucky enough that I let you touch me."

"That's not why. I knew I could love for the both of us. At least, until you could love me too. I can love for the both of us still, Gohama."

"Can't you see how wrong that is? You're an even bigger fool than I ever thought you were!"

"It's not me being a fool! It's me wanting to love you, to make you happy!"

"It was always about that, wasn't it? You trying to make me happy. You trying to make up for never curing your depressed mother."

As soon as the words were out, Gohama pushed her hand against her mouth, with wide eyes. She tried to see the effect her cruelty had had on him, but Hansuke had his head cast low and face turned away from her. With a hesitant step, she moved towards him, but stopped before she could get close to him.

"I'm sorry, Hansuke, I didn't mean…" But she had meant to say it, she had always believed he was like this with her because of what he felt was a failure to his mother when he was a child. She just hadn't meant to be cruel to him.

He never acknowledged her.

"You made me better, Hansuke…" She started, her voice softer and quiet. "you did, but I can never be this idea of a happy person you wanted for me. And I wanted too. I wanted to be happy for the three of you. I tried, I really did, but I never could. And it's not your fault, it's not because you're not enough, Hansuke. You were always so much more than I deserved… It's just who I am, who I'll always be. And I know you could never accept that because you care about me and want the best for me, but the best for me just isn't what you think it is…"

Hansuke finally moved. His head tilted back as he looked up to the sky. He didn't change his position for what seemed to be minutes, uneasiness fluttering through Gohama's stomach at his silence. Then, he shifted on his feet to face her. His eyes were still red and sadness swam in the glaze, but a new resolve broke through as he stepped towards her.

"Being unhappy isn't a personality trait, Gohama. You can get out of it, you just have to fight for yourself and stop fighting for dead people."

"I don't want to fight for myself. I want to fight for my people, even if they were dead or alive."

"What about Kisamaru and Nikato? Genma? Aren't they your people too?"

The names pierced right where her regret hurt the most, her guilt. She didn't let her mind piece the full meaning of leaving them after nothing but a cold shove against a cliff and a usual drink at Ippon.

"Don't use them." She hissed. "Don't get them in the middle of something they don't belong."

"They do belong, Gohama. They are your friends and they care about you. Kisamaru and Nikato, your teammates."

"No they're not. Not anymore. There is no place for you in my life. Only my duty."

His hands grasped her arms, his fingertips denting into her skin. "It will destroy you."

"There's nothing left to destroy."

His voice rose as his hold tightened. "Don't lie to yourself, Gohama!"

"I've accepted my burden, you should too."

Hansuke freed on of her arms and his hand moved to his pouch. "If you've accepted your burden then do it." He place a kunai in her hand, as his fingers wrapped around her fist and led it to press the blade against his throat. "Kill me. I killed Kyura Itake, honour his life and kill me."

Gohama could feel his heartbeat beneath her fingers. It thundered, strong and fast, and echoed all through her body and head. How many times had she fallen asleep with her ear pressed to his chest as the lively beat of his heart lulled her to sleep? How many times, after an almost-deadly mission, had she savoured the rhythm of Hansuke's heartbeat shouting to her that he was alive, alive? Again it shouted and again, even after everything, she relished on it.

Her duty thrown to her in a silver platter, her purpose under her hands, waiting and willing, for her to complete it, and just having a kunai against his neck made bile rise to her mouth and her fingers tremble. She couldn't do it and they both knew that.

He took the kunai from her and Gohama lowered her shaky fingers, as they rolled into a fist against her leg. His hold on her arm eased and she shook his hand off her.

"I know it seems the only way to honour your Village. But I also know it terrifies you what it asks of you. You don't have to do it. A killing spree won't honour your village, it will only bring you more despair and pain."

"That doesn't matter. Whatever it takes, whatever amount of unbearable suffering…"

"Then why didn't you kill me?"

"It would be too easy for you. I'm letting you live that guilt and that pain. But that is just the beginning, I want you to see your Village burn and vanish, your friends fight and die. If I killed you now, your pain would be over in a second. I want everyone to feel what true loss is, true loneliness."

"This is the tailed beast darkness… This is not you…"

"Not me! Not me! I've lived all my life with Seiryu inside of me, I am only with him! But you could never understand that…"

"Then help me understand! Please, Gohama! Just don't shut me out like this! I want to help you."

"I'm a Kyura, the last Kyura. I belong to the Buki alone and no one else. That's all you need to understand."

"You're so much more than a Kyura, Gohama. And I know you let yourself be trapped in it because of grief, but there is a whole new world outside of the Kyura and that doesn't take anything from the beautiful values they taught you. It only enriches them."

"Oh, yes, there's nothing like Konoha's values. Talk about peace and teamwork and all that pretty shit, and then invade and massacre an entire Village! I should have seen through the deceiving. I should have left a long time ago."

"I'm sorry, Gohama…"

Her hand moved to cover her mouth as she chuckled dry and bitter and sardonic, while watching the crumbled ruins of her village. "We're past any type of apologies."

"I still want to apologise."

"It's useless."

"I don't fucking care if it's useless!" She jolted slightly his shout, the first he had thrown at her. "Now look at me. I want you to look at me while I apologise." His voice lowered to a whispered begging. "Please, Gohama… please…"

She turned towards him and his eyes were impossibly red now, the tears gathering at his waterline until she wondered how they hadn't fallen yet.

"I'm so sorry, Gohama. For everything I've done, for every time I failed you in any way. I'm so sorry, but I can't bring myself to regret being there with you. I knew you needed me, because you did, Gohama, you needed me, and I stayed. I would have done it again and again. I shouldn't have lied to you, but I didn't deceive you, I was never deceiving when we were together. There was nothing I could have done differently that would have made things better… The only thing I would have changed was that fucking mission. I would have sabotaged it, even if it meant being a traitor to Konoha, even if it meant never meeting you…"

That was what it meant to have her Village, her clan, her family alive. To never meet and know any of them. To have the last eleven years of her life erased, including the people in them. Gohama knew if she had the choice, she would choose saving Bukigakure. If not for herself, for her Village. Everything for her Village.

"There's no need for you to be a traitor now." Gohama spoke, calmly and blankly. "Go tell your Hokage to send the hunter nin."

"You know I won't."

"It's your duty."

"I also have a duty to you, Gohama."

"No, you don't."

"Of course I do, I love you." His voice so tender it ached.

"You shouldn't."

"I promised myself I'd let you go when you told me to. I just had no idea how difficult it would actually be. But I guess I can't really let go of you, Gohama…" There was a cheeky smile lighting up his face as he said the last words.

"It's not something you can have a say on, Hansuke. I won't go back and don't want you here."

"I'll leave, but I won't let go."

"You have to, Hansuke."

"And I know Nikato and Kisamaru won't too."

Again he was using them and it prickled her deep in her guts. "You don't belong in my life. I don't need you and I don't want you. I want nothing to do with you."

The wet rim above Hansuke's waterline finally spilled and she watched the tears run down his tanned cheeks and fall over his jawline. Gohama wanted to turn away, but kept her gaze pinned on his sad smile and away from his eyes.

She added with a soft voice. "…so leave me. As I left you."

Those words were final. They both knew it and failure etched onto Hansuke's face, and this time she couldn't stop herself from turning her eyes to the scenery beside them. She was going to add to his trauma. All the women in his life left him. His mother, Yugao, his teammate and the first girl he loved, Ayame, his student and the girl he had been responsible for, and now Gohama, his teammate and the girl he loved as a Harada loved.

Gohama had never believed in soulmates or loves of people's lives, but Hansuke did. He had a distant but strong tie to the belief of his father's clan that every Harada belonged to the love of their lives, even above their Village. It had made his father defect from Kumo and follow his pregnant mother. Maybe it was a way of connecting to his dead father, to believe he should do everything for his woman as he had done for his wife.

Gohama had never been Hansuke's woman and had never tried to be. She loved how he loved her and had only taken what he had given freely. But Hansuke always gave too much. He had given her his love and she had given him her trust and now they had ripped apart their most guarded parts. Why had she let him give her too much? He was fool and she was too selfish.

Her eyes dared look towards his face. The lines of his mouth were marked deep on his tanned skin, the corners of his lips drooping now. Worse were his eyes, the striking hazel that always shone brighter through the wet and red tint of tears. It was sad how beautiful they looked, and painful. The misery in them pressing into a lump inside her throat and making her guts tremble with fear.

Would she make him break? Hansuke was one of the strongest people she knew. He had never let loss hinder his love and empty his kind heart. He had Kisamaru, Nikato, Iruka, Genma, and so many other friends and people that cared about him and to whom he could return. Konoha was his home.

For a moment, they had shared a wonderful thing, but now their lives would follow different paths. Hansuke could understand that. He wouldn't break. No, she wasn't going to make him break.

"Can I kiss you goodbye?" He tried to smile again, but his lips quivered and she had to close her eyes only nodding.

His warm hand glided across her jaw, the feel the same as before. But his chakra wavered and prickled as he moved closer, the frantic waves so different from the usual steady feel of its earth nature release.

She had expected his mouth to meet hers, but instead she felt the soft touch on her cheek, her heart clenching at it. When he parted, his forehead pressed to her temple and she felt his pained mix between a sigh and a sob brush across her face.

Her eyes didn't open until he had pulled away completely, only cold air brushing through her skin. She could feel his chakra drawing away from her, leaving as she wanted him to leave. And still the coldness that was left bit her cruelly.

Her thoughts fell onto what would expect her back in Konoha if she were to go, as if returning from another common mission. She would greet Kotetsu and Izumo as her team passed through the gates and she would smile as they bickered with each other. Then, because it had been an S-rank mission, they would go straight to the Hokage Tower to report directly to Tsunade. After that she would go with Nikato to his house so she could fetch Toshi.

Her heart jumped at the thought of her goldfish. She would leave him behind, after three years of a steady, oblivious presence in her house, with whom she talked when the nightmares became too unbearable to go back to sleep. He would have to stay in Konoha and she would have to leave. Gohama always said goodbye to him with a "See you later.", but this time she wouldn't come back, and not because she was dead.

Her mouth opened and closed, as she shifted on her feet. Gohama could feel her cheeks reddening as she finally called, "Hansuke." He turned back with a fast swirl on his heels, the sole clinking on the roof tiles, and that foolish hope shining through his eyes. She hated herself. "Toshi. Ask Chizue-san if they can take him, if not please take care of him."

His expression fell and her stomach quivered at it. "Of course, I'll take care of him until you come back." He said with a small smile.

"Hansuke." A warning call.

"Gohama." A cheeky call.

And just this little exchange between them, where they did nothing but say each other's names, made the hole in her chest suck and ache so much harder than before. "Just go." She whispered.

Another watery smile. Hansuke always smiled too much. "Be careful, Gohama. Please. And know that you can always come to me."

This time he didn't let her see his back fade away. He shushined and there was nothing but a gust of wind where he had left. He wouldn't break, no, it was Hansuke, he wouldn't break.


	44. V - Chapter 4

_A guest reviewer asked if this fiction was going to have [Kakashi, OC]. I cannot answer them privately, so here it is, Fatima. These next chapters are all about Kakashi and Gohama's relationship._

_Thank you for reading and please review!_

* * *

Part V | Chapter 4

* * *

The stone steps covered in lichen, moss and old leaves sloped down the mountainside, cedar branches hanging over them, shadowing the long walk down. From the green, she could see a glimpse of red from the tori gate and farther away the indigo shine of the Kyura compound rooftops.

Gohama breathed in the fresh damp smell of the forest before turning around to walk through the path of the shrine. She followed the ceremonial cleansing at the fountain at the side, as she had always done when a child.

The kami was certainly no longer housed there. The shrines were meant to protect the kami, but for eleven years there had been no one to protect it. It suffered from the stillness of death, it suffered from the abandonment of life just as the rest of Bukigakure. The emptiness had even nested into the sacred. No kami would dwell in an empty, dead land.

Still, it had never mattered to her whether there was a kami to receive her worshiping and her offerings. Gohama wasn't even sure whether she believed gods existed or not. She followed the rituals more out of tradition than belief and somehow the gesture were as full of purpose as they always had been.

The house for prayers and where the Kyura had met for religious ceremonies or clan rituals had a thick layer of dirt and dust covering the wood floor, the lanterns and the pillars. Yet it remained, unchanged and standing, the same as the days where she had come there with her family, her dozens of cousins and uncles to pray and follow the clan life, the life of the pack.

The most beautiful part of the shrine was the mural painted onto the ceiling. Her neck cracked back to stare onto the colourful and graceful lines, full in history and art. The same wonder as when she had been a child, staring into the century old life of her clan, filled her now. They were the stories told at bedtime, festivals and ceremonies. They were the heroes and flawed people that had come before her, that lived through her, or at least should. She didn't feel them inside of her, she didn't feel any of their power, spirit and courage, she didn't feel that what had made them Kyura was settled in her spirit.

Her eyes skimmed through the tales. The legend of the founding Sister, the falling out and animosity with her brother, founder of the Hyuga. The settlement in the land where Gohama now stood. The war and the death, the familial bonds and the victory.

Her heart jolted as she pinned her gaze on a familiar clan crest. How hadn't she noticed it as a child? "Uchiha…" She whispered.

"_Yes, the—"_

"What the fuck!" Gohama yelped, her tachi already summoned in her hand, her knees bent and combat ready_. _

Her head spun from side to side, her chakra sense expanding and ears ready for the slightest of sounds. But she saw nothing, and felt nothing beside the chakra and sounds of the forest animals. Oh no, she was going crazy. It was finally happening, she was hearing voices.

"_It's just me kiddo_," It echoed in rumbling tones inside her head. "_Seiryu. No need to start slashing around with your sword."_

Her heart still didn't stop thumping against her ribs. The sensation completely foreign and bizarre, as the voice both resonated inside her mind, and sounded as if she had actually heard it. "You can talk to me…?"

He chuckled and even that reverberated weirdly through her, as if coming from everywhere around her and nowhere at all. _"Scared the life out of you, didn't I?"_ Another loud, amused chuckle. _"Bet you thought I was a ghost."_

That would have been a kinder assumption. Gohama had thought she was finally going mad. "Is this like telepathy?"

"_Something like that, yeah. We're bond together, our chakra connected with each other, which means our minds and senses are too in a way."_

"That's incredibly invasive." She mumbled, her mind going through all the embarrassing and intimate things she had done in her life. Every time he had been watching her, maybe even feeling what she had been feeling. The uneasiness was giving place to dread… There were so many things…

"_Calm down, kiddo."_

"Stop calling me kiddo, you old lizard!" Gohama growled.

He snickered a little, but his deep voice was gentler when he explained, _"I don't actually live through you. And definitely don't spend every time watching what you're doing. I've been inside a lot of jinchuriki, I know when to block that connection or not. I don't have any interest in the type of things you're thinking…"_

Hearing that suggestive tone from the deep voice of a century old dragon locked inside of her made a shiver shake thorough her body. "But you know what I'm thinking!"

"_Out of experience, not because I read your mind. We are talking inside our heads, but because I chose to talk, it has to be a conscious effort."_

Gohama wobbled until she sat on a step and buried her face on her hands, fingers rubbing circles on her temples. It was an incredibly useful resource, but it left that feeling of nakedness shivering through her skin. All her life, she had had a biju spying on things, all her life she— The realisation hit her then and she snapped her eyes open.

"You can talk to me and during twenty years, during all the jinchuriki shit I didn't know about or how to control, you chose to keep fucking silent!"

"_You don't actually have to talk out loud, you can—"_

"Shut the fuck up, Seiryu! And answer me!"

"_I can't really answer if I'm to shu—"_ Gohama growled, visceral and burning_. "Okay, okay. I'll explain. I couldn't talk to you then. It was the resealing that allowed that. Usually jinchuriki learn how to communicate with me sooner, they are the ones that open the telepathic connection. This time I had to be the one to force it when the seal was at its weakest and you entered it. The fuinjutsu that binds biju and jinchuriki is very complicated and nuanced… The Seal Scroll you left with that Konoha nin would have explained that…"_

"Fuck…"Gohama whispered as her forehead fell onto her knee. Leaving one of the Scrolls with Kakashi had clearly been an example of her lack of judgement.

"_Fret all you want, Gohama, but there's little use for that now…"_

"Why didn't to talk me out of it then?"

"_Didn't think it would be the right moment for explaining… this." _She could see the gesture of his clawed paw through his tone._ "You were technically running away… Also I really wanted to see how you'd react." _He chuckled._ "It was worth it."_

"A little jumpscare worth a secret Kyura Scroll?"

"_What does the theory of our seal matter when I know about the practical things? We can communicate now, it'll make learning easier for you. Now try it." _There was an almost childish excitement seeping through his last sentence.

What mattered was the intent, right? There had to be a conscious effort, as Seiryu had said. Gohama concentrated on thinking the words inside her mind, as if she wanted someone to hear them. Almost as if she were praying.

"_Can you hear me?"_

"_Loud and clear, kiddo."_

This time the condescending nickname didn't bother Gohama. She smiled, relieved that she wouldn't have to spend her life talking out loud as if to no one. She may have been going crazy after everything that had happened in the past days, but at least she didn't have to act like it.

"_Aren't you going to ask me about the Uchiha now?"_

"_A lesson in history makes you that excited, Seiryu?"_

"_I've always found your human way of dealing with each other fascinating, like petty little animals roaring and all that leaves them is a falsetto. You find the most absurd reasons to fight about. It's all very entertaining."_

"_It's not entertaining, maybe it is for you when you watch us through godlike eyes, it's terrifying how cruel we are to each other. There are so many possibilities for chakra and we use it first as a weapon for killing. You're another proof of that, Seiryu. We harnessed Kuraokami-sama himself, we locked him and imprisoned him, just so we could kill."_

"_You think I'm Kuraokami?"_

"_People probably based the god on you. The dragon god of rain and snow." _Gohama was inside the shrine meant to house and protect Kuraokami. This had been a sacred place safeguarded by her clan, but throughout all of the Land of Snow people worshiped the kami believed to habit their lands._ "What person wouldn't come across you and think you're a god?"_

_"You flatter me, kiddo."_

_Gohama groaned. "And I really shouldn't have. The only thing bigger than your chakra is your ego."_

He laughed again, his ancient deep rumbles seemed to tremble through her guts and it stirred a bubbly giggle in her throat. It quieted down quickly as she shook her head.

"_I could never understand why the kami, the universe, anything..., would allow something like the massacre. It made me angry about all this, all this care we Buki always had for the gods of our land." _Her hand gestured around the shrine._ "But now I understand... They didn't stand by… I had Kuraokami-sama locked inside of me and made him leave his people. You were always a god to Bukigakure, our god, and I took you from them when they needed you."_

"_No, Gohama. You guarded me, you kept me with them, through you. Like a living shrine."_

_"Living shrine. That's ridiculous..."_ She chuckled, dry and disbelieving._ "So you do see yourself as a god, hmm, Seiryu-sama?"_

"_Well, kiddo, I'm exceptionally majestic, powerful, magnificent and altogether awe-inspiring. Of course, I'm a god. And we'd both love to talk more about me, but Uchiha?" _

"_Uchiha."_

"_You've studied this haven't you? The period before the Hidden Villages where ninja clans were in constant battle against each other. They also made alliances and the Kyura and Uchiha made an alliance through marriage. This promised mutual assistance with their wars in case they called for help."_

"Well, it _explains why everyone associated Uchiha with Kyura in Konoha. Even with all the animosity, we're much closer to the Hyuga."_

"_Senju and Uchiha made peace and created the Leaf, followed by all the other Hidden Villages, including Buki, with the Minake, Ashikaga and Kyura clans united. For years the alliance remained but with no actual practical effects, besides driving the friendship between Konoha and Buki."_

"_Why did they attack us then?"_

"_Self-defence. The Hatake was right when he said the Arms were preparing a war. The Land of Snow has always had a weak Daimyo influence, in comparison with the now Five Great Nations, but back then we still benefited from being one of the Great Nations. After the—"_

"_Yeah, I remember, Third Shinobi War. We were excluded from the council of the Great Nations. Let me guess, people weren't happy about that?"_

"_It lowered our influence and demand for missions, which means less money coming into the village. We couldn't fight the Great Nations alone, so the alliance with the Uchiha would finally be extremely useful. Negotiations with them began, as they were planning a coup d'état inside Leaf. When your grandfather died and you became a jinchuriki, I lost access to the Village Council, but I have a faint idea of what happened. Bukigakure would assist the Uchiha revolt and, in return, once they achieved control of the Leaf, they would give us our rightful place at the council. The rest you know…"_

"_Uncle… He knew about the agreement and snitched it to Konoha…"_

"_The Arms weren't supposed to be destroyed. That was Akatsuki. He wanted to stop another war, Buki had just gotten out of one. It was madness, Gohama. They would have used us as killi—"_

"_I don't care. Fucking Konoha... They're a bunch of hypocrites, talking about the Will of Fire as if that justifies everything they've done, everything they've asked their shinobi to do…" _

"_It's not just Konoha, Gohama, you know that...__"_

"_It's different, Seiryu, don't you see it? Konoha knew of the Uchiha plans for a coup d'état. It's too much of a coincidence for the clan to have been destroyed three years after their attack on Buki.__ I'm__ pretty sure the Uchiha massacre was an inside job. The Leaf chose to kill one of their clans, one of the founding clans. That's disgusting, that's genocide. Our village would never fall that low…"_

"_You're probably right about that one… I've seen a lot of things, but somehow the story of one of the sharingan going berserk and killing everyone always sat weirdly with me."_

"_Uchiha Itachi. He made the same choice as Uncle…"_

It made her sick, but the association was made in her mind and it was true. Itachi at least had chosen to taint his own hands at his village's command, Uncle had betrayed his village to the enemy, had let the enemy do the dirty, disgusting work. Yet, there was no longer anger and betrayal in her for Uncle. Only drowning grief and love.

Gohama deflected against her knees, hands buried in her hair. Her chest tightened just from thinking of his choice, of his pure kind heart and desperate actions. Of how Konoha had preyed on them to use him. So she stopped thinking of it. If she didn't think, she wasn't aware of it. If she wasn't aware of it, it wouldn't hurt.

"_I'm so tired…"_

"_Hey, kiddo… Come inside the seal, rest a little, brood a little, listen to my ancient wisdom."_

It wasn't so bad. The invasion of privacy still made her cringe, but at least she wasn't completely alone anymore, at least she had someone to guide her through the training, someone that shared the burden of being bonded into another creature. She wished Seiryu had been there sooner.

"_Well, lizar—" _Gohama's head snapped up as she felt the protective seal around half of the village break. The invading familiar chakra crackled and stung against her senses. She was ready to punch a hole in the ground at the feel of it."Kakashi."

* * *

He was casually reading on top of her childhood home's roof. She appeared on top of the wall of the backyard, a kunai already flying right pass Kakashi's hear, as he tilted his head to the side. The roof tile behind him clanked as it shattered.

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

His droopy eye peaked from above _Icha Icha_. "Yo. Fancy seeing you here, Gohama." He gave her both his brand eye-crease smile and two-finger wave.

The next kunai imbedded a centimetre below his balls. "Did you come looking for some old ruins, some fond memories?"

"Maa, you see, there was this—"

"Just fuck off, Hatake, I'm in no mood for your little games."

He snapped his book shut. "You have some things that belong with me."

She jumped, her tanto pressing onto his kunai, as he blocked her attack. "I'm the Kyura jinchuriki and Head of Clan. The Scrolls belong to me." The title sounded foreign in her tongue, but it was the truth. She was the last Kyura, the only lonely one, and so the title fell to her.

"Tsukate left them to me. They are mine to keep and save."

With a growl, Gohama pushed harsher with her tanto against his blade, the shrike of sliding metal ringing in her ears. She jumped back onto the backyard, the ground flattened and cleaned after her day of preparations for training. Her hand reached for her back pouch and she pulled out the scrolls to show them to Kakashi.

"Come and get them."

"I didn't come here to fight, Gohama."

"Come and get them." Every of her syllables pronounced with deadly venom.

She no longer cared if she could win against the Copy nin in a fight. The blood boiling through her veins, finally boiling after nothing but flat continuous flow, called for a fight. Kakashi had managed to bring her energy circling back through her soul. Fingers twitching at her sides for the need of punching something. Her heart pumping, fast and eager, to let the flow of adrenaline circle through all of her.

This was being a kunoichi. Not the cold, numb wash of her body. But the eagerness, the readiness, the sharpness where all of her senses flashed, and fired and prepared to fight.

Gohama reminded herself not to look into his eyes, whether it be his sharingan or his dark droopy one, she wouldn't be able to fight them.

"You could only win with the tailed beast power. I've studied the Seal Scroll, I can suppress its chakra."

"Shut up and fight me."

"You knew this Scroll contained the secret to overpower your beast mode and yet you left it with me… Why?"

Kakashi already knew the answer to his own question, the intention behind his tone making it clear to her. The sharingan genjutsu he had cast on her had spelled every single letter of what she kept down and hidden. He wanted to trap her, to irk her maybe, but she wouldn't give him a truthful answer. He wasn't expecting it either.

"I like a good challenge."

"Hmm." He started with a feigned interest and nod. Every gesture meant to irk her, to rile her up and blind her in a fight. "But you're the Head of the Kyura, the jinchuriki, shouldn't you have taken what is your duty to keep?"

"Since when do you care about my duty? My duty is also to kill you, are you going to throw yourself at my chakra fist?"

"You had a chance to kill me and you didn't."

"You allowed me to kill you. I don't won't to be allowed. My parents didn't allow you to kill them." The eye that had be pinned on her turned away. "They wouldn't…" He didn't try to reassure the uncertainty that shook in her voice. "Kakashi."

Her call made him look back at her, but by then he already had his blank mask covering what the black one and hitai-ate didn't reach. "I'm not the one that is scared of the jubi's power. It's you, Gohama." A powerful, stabbing statement to make her ignore what he had let escape before. And it worked.

With a spring of her knees, she was lunging towards him on the roof, the tiles shattering under her feet. It didn't matter, she didn't even hear them shatter. Her mind focussed only on her tanto pressing against his kunai, as they pushed harder to counter the other's strength.

"I can't let you keep the scrolls." His voice was strained from pushing against her. "You're a liability."

"Thank you, Copy-nin, what a lovely compliment."

With a twist of her wrist, her blade slipped through his and she crouched to evade the swing of his kunai and kick his ankles. Before she could, Kakashi used the shushin no jutsu, flickering away to appear on the backyard. Gohama turned to look down at him.

"I'm willing to negotiate." He started. "I keep the scrolls and I'll grant you access to them."

A bitter chuckle rumbled out of her throat. "Just because a dead man left them to you doesn't mean you're entitled to them."

"I think it does, actually."

"Tsukate stopped being a Kyura when he…" Gohama couldn't finish the sentence. Again the same sad, compassionate resignation blew through her. "He had no right to give them to others."

"You buried him as a Kyura. You marked hi—"

"Shut the fuck up, Kakashi. Don't meddle in things that don't concern you."

"Tsukate was a Kyura until his last breath and still is one. You made sure of it."

"Shut up!" With a wide gesture of her arm, a wave of chakra pierced through the air towards him.

Before the cloud of dirt could settle where her chakra had stormed it, Gohama was already disappearing under it, her senses sharp for any inflection of Kakashi's chakra signature. She was blind in the dust and he had the sharingan. He evaded most of her attacks, but she never allowed him to force her onto defence.

She held herself in their taijutsu for long minutes, but blow by blow Kakashi started dominating the fight. Once she made a mistake that left her side completely open, he didn't lose time into kicking her across the backyard.

It was time for ninjutsu. Again they started the same dance, Gohama attacking with her chakra and Kakashi using mud walls and fire jutsu to defend himself. He used the same technique as before, evading her attacks until she made a mistake that left an opening for him to exploit. But mid-range was her comfort zone and his chakra reserves wouldn't last as long as hers.

After throwing a fireball her way, which Gohama easily deflected, Kakashi stopped, chest lowering and raising heavily as he recovered from the jutsu. "Gohama, we had our fun. Now give me the scrolls."

She laughed and leaned against the wall with crossed arms. "As I said before, come and get them."

"I will." He answered seriously, while his hand moved towards his hitai-ate.

All of Gohama's muscles tensed up, her back snapped straight and her heart thumped hard against her ribs. His eyelid still covered the sharingan and she forced her gaze onto his feet, her own spreading, knees bent, ready for restarting the battle, this time seriously. In her hand, appeared her summoned tachi, her chakra circling through the thin, sharp blade.

Kakashi's speed was admirable and Gohama would only have time to slash her tachi before he reached her, instead of evading the blow completely. Her grip firm on the handle and wrist ready to swing, she looked into Kakashi's furrowed brows and determined gaze. Only as she saw the magnetising terror of the sharingan did she remember to keep her eyes away from his own.

It was too late. Her gaze had already been locked by the spinning black tomoe in a background of red. Gohama would have screamed if her throat hadn't closed off and her chest hadn't halted with the air stuck inside. All of her body was trapped against the wall by that eye, her mind sucked in by the terrifying spin of black and red.

She hadn't even noticed there was a ball of lightning reaching for her chest, she hadn't even noticed there was a person running towards her. All she could see was the bloody eye overflowing with death and pain, the genjutsu scenery of red and black reflected on that iris, with Hansuke dead, Kisamaru and Nikato killed and green evil eyes.

A thousand birds shrieked on her ear and then the eye was gone and the sound of broken stone echoed somewhere beside her. Only then did Gohama's frozen body start shivering, with racking uncontrollable shakes, and only then did her heart thumped again, fast and piercing against her ribs. Her hands could no longer hold the handle of her tachi and it fell to the ground with a clank of metal she couldn't hear, above the ringing in her ear, above the echoed screams of dying people, people she had killed in front of a scenery of red and black.

"What the fuck, Gohama…" Kakashi exhaled beside her ear, the panic that had frozen her muscles trembled with the same cruelty in his voice.

She noticed him then, his arm still buried in the wall next to her head, his breath warm and raspy as he puffed against her ear. Gohama couldn't now how long they stayed still, but he finally moved, his flak jacket scrapping against her front and she pushed her back impossibly closer to the wall and away from him.

His head pulled back to look at her, a sliver of red escaping to grip her heart in a cold, crushing hand. She swallowed as her eyes clenched shut.

"It's covered." He told her softly, but she still couldn't move away from the wall or open her eyes, afraid that red scenery was back in front of her, those evil green eyes. "Move, the wall is going to crumble once I take my fist out of it." When she didn't answer, he laid a hand gently on her shoulder, and she couldn't stop the jolt. "Gohama…"

"I can't…"

"I'm going to hold you, okay?"

She gave him an almost imperceptible nod. Her muscles tensed into stone as his arm gently slid around her waist and pulled her against his chest. The soft handling so different from the cruel ice of the black and red eye he had. She felt the push of a jump on her stomach and the sound of crumbling stone and tile. Kakashi didn't release her when they landed.

"I'm taking the scrolls now." His hand reached for her back pouch and Gohama couldn't stop him. Her mind screamed for her legs to stop shaking and kick him away from her clan's property, but she couldn't move.

"Please…"

"You're a liability." Again that word and the cold hold on her heart tightened.

"_Seiryu…?" _Gohama called, maybe he could make his chakra race through her and blow the panic out of her muscles.

"_It's okay, kiddo, we can make it without them. It'll even give them a false sense of security, of having the upper-hand."_

Once the Secret Scrolls of the Kyura Jinchuriki were his, Kakashi pulled away from her. "I'm sorry I used that genjutsu on you, Gohama." He hesitated a little on his feet, before nodding. "Be safe."

When there was nothing holding her up, her knees faltered and she let herself fell to the ground. Only then did she feel the sharp burning pain spreading through her shoulder and neck. Gohama brought her still trembling hand against the wet wound. Blood.

It could have been her heart's blood, but that didn't matter now. What mattered was that she had failed. She watched his back pouch, the Secret Jinchuriki Scrolls inside of it, as he walked away, as he walked away with them, and there wasn't anything Gohama could do. Her knees were still shaky and her chakra erratic inside her pathways. She wouldn't win against Kakashi now and there was a deep rooted tiredness that didn't even allow her to try.

Weak. What kind of ninja froze when in battle? Because of an eye, a fucking eye.

Her head dropped and her hands fisted around clumps of soil and twigs. The soil of her home, the soil that had once been Mother's garden, the soil where Father had fought the man that had now defeated her. Gohama had lost in the most dishonourable of ways, frozen in fear and strength.

The Secret Scrolls of her clan stolen from her and she would just let them go, just as she had let her people go.

"Kakashi…" She called in a silent whisper against the ground, still he heard her, his chakra signature stopping. "Train me… here."

He turned towards her, but she couldn't look up. "Why would I train someone who threatened to destroy my village and kill me?"

"You would learn my fighting technique and weaknesses… You could train the sealing too."

"A low price for the high risk."

This time she tilted her hand back, shaking it so her short hair would get away from her eyes, but it was glued to her forehead. "And your sharingan… on me…"

"I don't want to be a part of your revenge agenda."

"It's not revenge. I'm not Uchiha Sasuke, I don't live for revenge."

That name made him pin a heavy stare onto her. "Burden, honour, duty… you can use as many excuses as you want but we both know in the end it's all about revenge. You're no better than Sasuke."

"Never thought I was." The Uchiha was incredibly more efficient than she was. "But I'm at least giving you a chance to keep an eye on… a liability, on an enemy of Konoha."

"All the more reason to leave then. It's treason to fraternise with enemies of Konoha."

"You promised uncle Tsukate…" Gohama winced as she said the words. It was low of her to use Uncle, but, despite everything, she knew Kakashi. She knew he would go beyond his duty to Konoha for his friends, or at least the people important to him. And the word promise had always tolled loudly in him. "If I train alone…"

He stood silently looking at her. "Okay. I accept."

* * *

The frail light passing through the glass sliding doors and resting right onto Kakashi's eyelids woke him up. Even without opening his eye, he already knew Gohama wouldn't be there. Her futon was still laid open by the opposite corner of the room, empty and unruffled.

He turned to lay on his back and absently watched the coffered ceiling. This was clearly the richest room in the manor, meant to receive formal guests or gatherings, with doors decorated to depict lake sceneries and black pines, with china and calligraphy art exposed on a wall. Gohama had probably chosen to settle herself there and only there because of it. The room was wide and cold, especially without the tatami floors, which hadn't ridden it of their musty smell, and even through all the ornate, delicate details, it was empty. Impersonal.

They had agreed to sleep on the same division for security reasons, but he was certain having him there hadn't made Gohama feel anything close to security. That was probably why she hadn't slept and had left even before dawn broke out.

It was the second day Kakashi was there in the Arms and already he felt like a complete failure. Why had he even come here? What could he of all people do here, do for her? She hated him, and if she didn't, it was because she was too buried in grief to even form any type fiery, intensive emotion such as hate.

Kakashi had expected sharp hostile eyes to always be pinned on him. He had been ready to respond to them with a blank bored stare back, maybe even a slight raise of his eyebrow with a challenging note. His eye creases would also have been good. Gohama always seemed to be irked by them. Irk was manageable, irk was familiar and irk was light.

Instead he got only a washed out green that brushed over everything around them and almost never settled on his own dark grey. Not even when she had told him clearly that her duty was to kill him and him being there wouldn't change it, did her eyes hold anything behind them.

It reminded him of that dreadful balcony in Kiku, where she would sit most of the day, drinking her whiskey and doing nothing but stare at some lost point of the metal city in front of them. Kakashi didn't want to be reminded of that mission, Kakashi didn't want to know that Gohama's eyes could pull off an even more detached, desolated gaze.

He deserved every little twist of pain at watching them. But, fuck, was it painful…

Kakashi had just come. He wasn't even sure why, he just had. And for some reason, Gohama actually allowed him to stay. For help in her training, but why him and not Hansuke? He had had to use a little of his manipulation tactics on her. He knew she wouldn't let him stay if he asked to, but if he took away the scrolls, if he took away something she needed, maybe she would make him stay.

He had known he would have had to fight her and win without hurting her too much, but he hadn't expected her to react so badly to the sharingan. He had underestimated how much he had fucked over her with that genjutsu.

A pinching pain made the heel of his palm rub against the sharingan. Even after a few days of using the mangenkyo, it was still tender and aching. There were days when he hated Obito's gift, with all the gilt that came with that, and today was one of those days. He truly just hated himself. He had been the one to use it on her. Another regret to stack on top of all the others.

Kakashi had seen Gohama twitchy and on edge, but he had never seen her freeze. She would have let herself be pierced with the raikiri, with his own hand. The memory of how close he had gotten to crushing through her bone and muscle and not the wall made all of him shake. It brought the image of scared brown eyes, wide dying eyes, and the feel of shattered bone and burnt flesh.

A shrill chuckle sounded around the empty room as Kakashi recognised all the symptoms. Only now was he going to freak out. Not when he had thought he wouldn't dodge in time, not when he had realised with overwhelming relief on a still terrified heart that he had pierced through stone, not when he had taken care of Gohama's cut and burnt shoulder, her skin seared with tendrils of lightning, - she had marvelled at them, Kakashi had wanted to scream. Only in the morning after was he freaking out.

He pulled himself up, his chest heaving up and down, trying to grasp any bit of air, but it never seemed to reach his lungs. The shaking was becoming debilitating too. If the world ended then, it wouldn't have surprised him, but, no matter how intensively he felt like it would, it never did.

His eyes were kept firmly shut, his hands away from anything they could taint. He knew there was no blood in them. He knew he wouldn't leave a trail of red on anything he touched. Still, he felt it. The warm, wet feel of it in his hands, the pungent smell of iron in his nose. He needed to clean it.

With a jerk, he ran through the house he knew the plans of. He knew where the kitchen was, because eleven years ago he had had to know of it for his mission. His hand reached for the tap, but no water came out. What a fucking idiot. Of course there would be no water in a massacred, destroyed village.

Kakashi leaned over the sink, his heart thundering around the room, against his heaving ribs. He didn't need water. The blood wasn't there and the water could never clean them, he could never clean himself. He needed to pull himself together, he needed to breath and he needed to clean the blood of his hands. He scrubbed them on each other and on his shirt, and now everything was red. No, nothing was red. It wasn't real.

Hadn't Gohama told him there was a river running beside the Kyura compound where he could bathe? He could clean his hands there.

Unseeing, Kakashi rushed through rooftops, tripping on himself, his chest tightening unbearably more, but he could see the running water now, maybe he wouldn't die before he reached it. His hands dipped into the freezing water and he rubbed at them. He knew it wasn't real, but he just needed the blood to disappear, so he rubbed his hands until they were red from abused flesh and not the blood of his best friend.

Now completely spent, Kakashi dropped onto his back against the grassy bank. He watched the clouds ahead glide through the sky. The light was different in Buki than in Konoha, it had an icy silver tint, even during the warm colours of sundown. Kakashi could only imagine how beautiful the village and mountains surrounding it would look in the winter, a fluffy white layer covering the green forest and the dark roofs.

He had only been there during the spring and summer. The first time as a bodyguard to the Sandaime, on a diplomatic meeting after he had returned to the position of Hokage, and where Kakashi had first seen Kyura Inaku. The second time as a shinobi to kill him and the third to bury him and his entire village.

Gohama had been there in all those times. The first as a fleeting image of a small child in a kimono being presented to the Sandaime. The second as a burning image of a daughter finding her mother's dead body and killer. The third as a ghostly image of a deceased girl he had marked and been marked with the red powder. She hadn't even been dead then.

Closing his eyes, he tried to quiet down his mind, exhausted and tattered. He couldn't even find the energy to distract himself with _Icha Icha_. Maybe he could try to fall asleep. Gohama and Kakashi would have the first training in the afternoon, which he was dreading with cold swirls of his stomach, but she would probably already expect him to be late.

* * *

Gohama hadn't come to training and she hadn't come for all of night and the next morning. Despite the fear circling in his veins, Kakashi decided not to send his pack in search for her. She probably only needed a time alone or maybe she had run away. The scrolls were still in his pouch, and he wasn't sure if that was reassuring or unnerving.

Again he woke up from fitful and light sleep with the first rays tinting his eyelids pink and an empty futon on the other side of the room. Maybe Gohama had left him there alone as a punishment. Alone in that abandoned home so ghosts that didn't exist would haunt him, and why they didn't exist was what haunted him, and memories he had run away from for eleven years to finally catch up to him.

Kakashi hadn't strayed away from that main room. This morning his eye spied the corridor that ran beside the engawa, as he sat there, book opened in one hand, ration bar in the other. Somehow the flow of wooden floors and ripped shoji doors scared him for all the devastation stuck into them, all the guilt. Still, the little itch of curiosity bothered him and made his gaze wander from the pages of his book to the corridor that would lead to other rooms of the house.

When it was afternoon, Gohama still hadn't showed up and his book lay finished over his face. Kakashi sighed from anticipated regret. He threaded through the floors on naked feet, light, steady, calculating, as if on a stealth mission, as if afraid of disrupting the quiet resting over the house.

The first rooms to the right where common sitting spaces, one with stray toys and a television. He didn't dare cross the threshold to walk inside. Another had just mouldy tatami floor and a kotatsu. Behind the last shoji door was an office. It still had brownish papers and scrolls over the low table and a bookshelf that covered every wall, except for the doors that led to the engawa. Kyura Misaka's office.

He took a hesitant step forward, his movements uncertain to enter the private space of a person he had killed. It felt as an intrusion into the already gone life he should never have meddled with. And still his feet moved across the ripped tatami, his eyes fixed on the dust covered spines of hundreds of books.

Kakashi tried not to disturb the dirt laying on the wood of the shelf and leather of the covers, letting only his one eye slide through the titles. There were knickknacks and picture frames in front of the books.

Immediately, his gaze was captured by a particular one. He would recognise Kyura Misaka's face anywhere, as his sharingan had been opened while he had fought her and while he had killed her. He blew across the glass and still it wasn't enough to take away the murkiness of abandonment from the frame. His thumb brushed over the dirt covering the faces on the photograph. First, he unveiled the profile of Kyura Misaka, her gaze soft as she looked down on the child at her lap, a small tender smile upturning her lips.

His fingers trembled, he set the photo back in its place, only to pick it up again. His thumb hovered above the face he knew was Gohama's. Kakashi wanted to see her, but he was scared, he didn't know why, but he was. With a gentle swipe, he cleared the dust away and behind it a toddler with chubby cheeks and green eyes stared back at him. Smiling, her head thrown back as her little hand reached for her mother's face. The most innocent and unguarded expression he had ever seen mark her face.

There wasn't a shadow of the woman she had become on the child's expression. There wasn't that bottomless tenacity that now lurked in her eyes and seemed to challenge anything that came her way. He had always been captivated by it and he wondered about all the happier what-ifs where Gohama wasn't... Gohama.

There was something so tragic about the photograph that made Kakashi's chest ache from more than guilt. He gave one last sad smile at it. With careful hands, he settled the frame above the clearer spot on the shelf, where it had remained untouched for eleven years, unseen. As everything else inside that house, that compound, that village.

If it was painful for him to be in this ghostly place how abysmal it must be for Gohama. He understood why she had disappeared, but it stirred coldly in his guts.

* * *

Just as Gohama neared her home, she could feel where Kakashi was standing. Her jaw clenched and expression hardened, as she sped through the rooftops.

Her decided steps halted as soon as she saw the inside of Mother's office again. A trembling hand held onto the opened shoji door, careful not to make the wood groan and paper rustle. This was not the moment to have an internal break down, as Kakashi stood a couple of meters away from her.

She needed to breathe, but was sure any attempt at bringing air into her lungs would come out in a shaky breath and he would hear it. He would hear what he probably already knew was rioting inside of her, every day she spent in Buki. It didn't matter that he knew, it just mattered that she not show it to him.

Gohama crossed her arms and leaned her shoulder against the door. "What are you doing here?" She winced at the little shake of her voice and hoped he hadn't noticed.

Kakashi was crouching in front of the bookshelf. The hand reaching for a book stopped mid-air as he turned to look at her over his shoulder. "Dusting."

"We're sleeping on a layer of dust and you chose to start being all domestic in here? Leave."

"Maa, Gohama, we wouldn't want all these books to get eaten by bugs and stained with dirt." He explained nonchalantly as he made a show of dusting off the cover of a book.

Her teeth clenched. "This is my house, my compound, my village, and you are to obey me as long as you are here. So get your filthy hands off that book and fucking leave."

With an annoying sigh, Kakashi stood up and moved towards the door, a hand inside his pocket, the other holding the book she had told him to leave. Before she could chastise him on it, he pushed it against her chest and her arms untangled from each other to hold it.

"Books shouldn't be left to wither like this." He said as he moved pass her and out of Mother's office.

Gohama looked down at her the cover, Myths and Folktales of the Land of Snow. Out of all books it had to be that one that he fucking left on her hands. The first book Mother had gifted her and the only thing, besides her goldfish Toshi, Gohama regretted leaving behind in Konoha.

It was as if Kakashi had known. Maybe he truly had. He had access to the seals of her apartment in Konoha and that was the lone book on her bookshelf, the lone almost anything in that place. Anyone would be drawn to that, especially an avid reader as Kakashi.

With gentle fingers, she brushed the dirt stuck to the leather cover. Hers was lined with plastic, the illustration of the kami Kuraokami-sama painted in traditional style. She remembered the times Mother had read it to her, voice soft and motherly, she remembered the first time Gohama herself had read it after learning how to.

The pages inside were stained with brown blotches from passing time and lack of care. The smell of must that permeated every surface of her home floating out of the paper as she turned the leaves. Kakashi had been right, the books were withering away with no one to open and read them. Her heart broke to admit it, her veins stinging from the feel of desolation. Mother would want her books to be read. Of this Gohama was sure.

She had spent the past day in the forest hoping to clear her mind and heart for training and this was the first thing she came back to. A gut-clenching reminder that Mother was dead and that Gohama hadn't followed what Mother had hoped for her.

'_May its stories free your spirit and kindle your dreams.' _Gohama felt there was nothing behind her skin to free and her heart was a barren soil as cold as Snow. She had tried the dreaming with Hansuke, as small little dream, and it had failed completely. From the beginning, she had known they had no future together and still she had let herself be fooled.

Duty was greater than dreams_. _Dreams were for children and people with no duty. Her duty was one greater than all her dreams could ever be, because it was real. Even through all the pain and loss, the betrayal and broken trust, she could reassure herself that her path was clear and good. In front of her was all she had ever wanted, truth and duty.

Even three years ago, after being kidnapped and tortured by Danzo's men, she had come to this same conclusion. Gohama could not give Mother what she had hoped for her, but there was someone that could, a jaded deadly shinobi that read books as they should be read. Mother would have liked her own killer.

The bitter sardonic cruelty of it made her want to laugh like a maniac and cry like a baby. Gohama settled for three long breaths and running away from the room without her eyes lingering on any of the picture frames.

* * *

"I'm usually the one that is fashionably late." Kakashi said right as she stepped onto the engawa, his attention stuck to his _Icha Icha_. Why did he have to be reading now?

"We agreed to train at four. I'm fifteen minutes earlier."

"More like twenty three hours and forty five minutes late."

"How sweet, you were counting. Did you actually miss me, Copy-nin? Or maybe you were scared of past ghosts coming back to haunt you." Gohama let out the last sentence with a biting tone, not even pretending to disguise the heavy significance it had in their situation.

"You haunt me enough for a lifetime, Gohama."

They both stilled as Kakashi said the words. It had been meant as a joke, but it fell seriously between them. She tried to force herself into saying a 'you deserve it'. In pass times, it would have left out as a teasing comment, now it would only hit with cruelty. Gohama should have mustered the hate, or at least the resentment, but she couldn't. How was she supposed to kill him, if she couldn't even let malice stir in her for him?

"Let's start the training."

In true Kakashi fashion, he followed her, not forcing the topic of her little disappearance. He didn't ask her where she had gone, why she had gone and what had made her come back, and to neither of the question did she have a definite clear answer. Gohama was thankful for his aloofness for once.

When she reached the middle of her backyard, she extended her hand to him. "Chakra scroll."

He didn't fight her on that, promptly fetching it from his back pouch and handing it to her. Cutting her fingertip on the edge of a kunai, Gohama let a drop of blood fall on the scroll. The seal opened and without hesitation she started reading through it.

The Chakra Scroll was the fundamental one when it came to learning how to control the tailed beast chakra. The Kyura had classified the different types of jinchuriki forms into three types. The first was called primary chakra cloak and allowed Seiryu's chakra to emanate from the jinchuriki's core and pathways, so that he could be controlled at the jinchuriki's will.

The secondary chakra cloak and detrimental to the jinchuriki usually originated involuntarily and therefore at the loss of the jinchuriki's control, the chakra itself was shaped at the image of the biju around the jinchuriki's frame. The material cloak was the most detrimental of all forms, where the chakra converted into a physical humanoid shape, causing the jinchuriki's skin to burn off and the loss of their lucidity due to the overwhelming energy of frenzied chakra.

Until today, Gohama had only been able to create the secondary and material cloak. Every jinchuriki's objective was to form a primary cloak with all of Seiryu's ten tails and power without the loss of their control or lucidity.

Her eyes focussed on the first step and she cursed to herself. Meditation.

During her seven years in a Buddhist monastery, Gohama hadn't been able to meditate once. Every time her body was still her mind had ran freely into every little train of thought it could muster, making her even more stressed than before. The scroll spoke of dethatching oneself from the environment and thoughts, but instead of focussing only on her breathing, the jinchuriki should focus also on their chakra flow and its connection with Seiryu's.

"It's simple enough." Kakashi commented with an eye-crease smile.

"For you maybe." She grumbled as she sat on the lotus position.

Her eyes closed and she breathed in deeply. An acute awareness of her own chakra flow was necessary for any Kyura with the bloodline limit, so it was not difficult for her to sense her connection with Seiryu's chakra, its presence latent in her core.

The difficult part was not letting any other thing get hold of her attention. How could people blank their minds? Gohama was intensely aware of every change in her environment, it was almost instinctive for a shinobi. It was similar to a constant background noise that let her focus on anything else, but was somehow always present. When something stood out of the ordinary, and anything out of the ordinary could be a threat, it jumped to the front of her awareness. This time what stood out for her was the prickling feeling of Kakashi's gaze on her.

"Stop staring at me."

"I have to keep an eye out for a cloak."

"It won't happen any time soon, so just read your book." She heard the sound of shuffling pages, which meant she wasn't detaching herself from her background. "I can't so this."

"Just relax and be patient."

That was exactly the problem. Relaxing and being patient.

Every time her mind wandered, she brought it back to her breathing and chakra. For an hour, Gohama fought with herself. When she was finally entering what she assumed was mindfulness, the snap of a closing book made her jolt.

"I'll kill you." She growled and Kakashi answered with an innocent expression.

Gohama stood up, brushing the dirt from her butt and wiggling her legs and arms to unstiffen her joints.

"Giving up, huh?"

"Shut up, Hatake. And let's spar, I want to train my taijutsu."

They spent the rest of the afternoon fighting each other and even if Kakashi dominated the fights most of the times, it actually felt like useful training, in contrast to her poor attempt at meditating. Seiryu and she had also practice the use of their telepathic communication to her advantage in battle. The old lizard was good, after years of bonds with jinchuriki and being forced into combat, he knew how to read their opponent and her own errors.

When it was too dark for Gohama to see comfortably, they stopped. Kakashi made a comment about having to catch up on his reading and spun around with wave. She knew it was the right moment to say what she had set herself on.

"Kakashi…" Gohama called and he turned back around with his disinterested expression.

Now was when she should have talked, but the words were stuck in her chest. Gohama could feel an embarrassed blush heating the skin of her cheeks. Her gaze focussed on the roof tile, somewhere beside his face. It flickered back to him, expecting to see amusement there at her awkward attempt at talking, but he only looked back at her, waiting and blank.

Her voice rushed out of her throat. "You can read them, if you want." She winced, it had definitely been too rushed. "Mother's books, that is…"

He continued to stand there staring at her and she shifted her gaze from the point beside his face, to him. His eyes were curved into his typical eye-creased smile. When she looked, he gave her a soft nod and turned around to walk towards the house. Kakashi had been merciful. He could have joked around her sudden change of heart, or at least her inability to say a few words.

Her infuriating pride was still shaking from dread, but it hadn't been so bad. Gohama didn't know if that was good or bad.


	45. V - Chapter 5

Part V | Chapter 5

* * *

During the first two weeks together, Kakashi and Gohama almost didn't acknowledge each other. They had their trainings that were as professional and cold as if they didn't know each other. For the remaining hours of their days, they were free to do as they wanted, which, for her, consisted of getting away from him, either in the cedar forest surrounding the Arms or inside Seiryu's seal. Kakashi usually spent them on her engawa reading his book, the same exact spot where Mother used to read.

She also knew he would summon his ninken when she wasn't there, as she would arrive late at night to a backyard marked with paw prints and fur, their chakra signatures still lingering in the air. He didn't seem to want his dogs and Gohama to interact, which she could somewhat understand. Their circumstance was as bizarre, even absurd, as it was fragile.

There were days were Gohama had to fight hard and rationally the impulse of leaving and never coming back. The solace that could have come from being in her home was completely supplanted by her memories and the abyss separating them from reality. The ruin she had to see and live in everyday was not the home she had grown up in.

During the times when she felt like drowning and fleeing away for shore, Seiryu would pull her to the surface so she could keep on swimming. He was an amusing old lizard and Gohama regretted only meeting him now. After so many years alone, it would have helped her to have him by her side, and not just as power inside her she couldn't control.

They would use their telepathy to talk from time to time, but their moments of true connection where always inside the seal. Gohama would secure herself up on a branch, make the hand signs and enter the place of endless white. The Kyura had made it so the seal worked as a blank slate that the biju could alter into any scenery, similar to controlling a genjutsu.

Seiryu's setting of choice was the high mountains of northern Snow where he had lived before being captured and sealed into Kyura jinchuriki. Gohama hadn't had the courage to ask about his complicated and conflicting relationship with her clan. The Kyura had always been different in their handling of the ten-tails. They acknowledged the biju with awe and reverence, separating themselves from the common belief of the tailed beasts as enraged, horrifying monsters.

Still, Seiryu wasn't a partner, he was a tool and he was a prisoner. His stray comments over his relationship with the Kyura were always tinted with a biting edge, but they came closer to the bickering between sour siblings than hate towards a captor. Gohama wondered if he had been this lenient during his first years connected with a jinchuriki. He certainly didn't hate Gohama, he acted careless, but those moments where he calmed her with detached comments about life showed that he actually cared about her. And she cared about him too.

Gohama was counting the days until she learned how to summon him. The Seiryu Scroll explained how the seal allowed them to enter a complete beast mode without the jinchuriki transfiguring their bodies into Seiryu by keeping a thread of chakra between beast and jinchuriki.

Seiryu had said that the ability to mould the appearance of the seal was good to fight boredom, but deep down it stung with cruelty, because there was always something missing, there was always the awareness that it wasn't real and he wasn't free. Once Gohama learned how to summon him, at least for a few moments, he would live a sliver of freedom, smell the true air, feel the true warmth of the sun, and truly fly. Not inside a seal, but in the real, true world.

Once her duty was complete, Gohama would give him full freedom.

Her nightmares hadn't eased and most nights she woke up with Kakashi's hand shaking her arm and offering her a glass of water. Gohama never asked him if he woke her up out of consideration or if she made too much noise for him to sleep.

With the amount of times he had had to stand in the middle of the night and shake her awake, Kakashi's futon, in the first week all the other way opposite of hers, had drifted to an arm's length distance. He had nightmares too, so they had this system where they would wake the other up if the shaking or the sounds were too loud.

Having her parents' killer sleep right beside her never disturbed her sleep. His chakra was still that contained wildness of lightning so different from the one she had sensed eleven years ago and didn't remember. Even if Gohama tried, she couldn't evoke how it had felt against her senses, only that it had stabbed and torn. And so, despite the tingling his nature had always left on her skin, Kakashi's chakra never bothered her.

In fact, he had integrated himself into her awareness. She had grown so accustomed to his presence that his chakra no longer stood out through her surroundings. Only her team and Genma had managed that. Familiarity was a treacherous thing to have with her parents' killer. It ripped through her as a betrayal and it only added to her guilt.

One morning, Gohama woke up to the quiet thuds of rain and an empty futon in front of her. His signature was outside, as always, sitting on the engawa. He had monopolised the best place of her own home.

For a few moments, she had considered leaving through the front door and enduring the pouring rain. But in Snow it could either last for an hour or days and, considering the lack of light filtering through the glass doors, the clouds still had much more pouring to do. Gohama wasn't keen on getting soaked day after day, even enduring Kakashi seemed better.

With a steeling inhale, her feet stepped onto the cold wood and she watched the downpour in dismay. Gohama hesitated slightly but chose to set down opposite to him, against one of the porch posts. Her hand extended to a heavy thread of water falling from the roof and then to the cold prickle of drops on her palm. The tinkling of the kusari-doi, as the heavy flow of water made the metal clank against each other, accompanied the quiet thuds and splashes over the roof and dirt. It was so familiar it hurt.

"There's no avoiding each other now." She commented with a wry tilt to her voice.

He only lifted his eye from the pages and gave her his eye-crease smile, promptly going back to the book, his routine unchanged by her presence. As for Gohama, she could feel her heart pounding in her ears, as it had during their first trainings. Breathing in the smell of damp earth, she coaxed herself into the nonchalance Kakashi exuded naturally. She dried her hand against her pants and crossed her arms.

"What are you reading?" He lifted the book and her eyes widened at the cover. The Kyura Anthology. "Interesting choice for someone that only reads porn."

He smiled again. "Someone got me started on poetry a couple years ago." His fingers brushed through the pages and he opened the book to show her a specific one. "I now know from where she took one of the poems."

Gohama could feel the warmth of a blush spreading through her cheeks, as she recognised the haiku she had shared with him in the hospital room after her first seduction mission. Her face turned away towards the backyard. "Don't mock me."

"I'm not." Kakashi answered seriously. "When I said I wanted to hear another one, I wasn't lying. I never did thank you for leaving that note."

"Your avoidance wouldn't have been very efficient if you had." She bit out without turning back to him.

Her aggressiveness was mostly directed towards the man as a whole than his disappearance two years ago. With her current knowledge, she could understand it. What bothered her was why he had chosen that particular moment to let his guilt over killing her parents speak louder.

"No, it wouldn't. But more than efficiency it was out of cowardice."

Her eyes widened, but Gohama didn't dare react in any other way, her arms still in their place and face turned away from him. Had the famous Kakashi of the Sharingan, the great Copy-nin and genius of Konoha just admitted that he had acted cowardly? Enemies would relish on those words, even Genma would pay the corner table of Ippon an entire week of drinking just to hear them. And he had given them so freely to her now.

Why? With Kakashi it always came down to that question. Why?

"Pakkun also liked the biscuits, by the way."

Still not letting her gaze stray from the rain hitting the puddles on the backyard, Gohama was carefully making sure her hair covered most of her face. She missed how easy it had been with a longer length.

"What's your favourite poem so far?" Her voice was as disinterested as she could make when her stomach twisted with the glimmer of curiosity.

She could see that he was giving her a look and she spied him over the corner of her eye. Kakashi cleared his throat, the strong rumble an obvious act, and read.

"'Spring is short―

What has eternal life?'

I thought, and

let his hands seek out

my strong breasts"

Gohama let out a rich snort and tilted her head back to rest it against the post. "Of course, out of all poems, you'd love that one. Probably one of the few with anything erotic in it."

"And just like _Icha Icha_, it only makes it deeper." It did make the poem deep, in a shinobi's life sex was even better than alcohol when shunning the shadow of death for a few oblivious moments. As for _Icha Icha_, Gohama was sure it had only meaningless smut for the sake of entertainment and sexual needs.

She turned to look straight through him, teasing seeping through her eyes. "Go deeper."

He stared at her for a moment, and then turned down, his fingers searching for the right page. "Nakahara, friend!

The earth is wintry, cold and dark.

Well then, good-bye."

Gohama couldn't stop the smile that upturned the corner of her lips and she tilted her head away, her hair falling to cover her profile. She loved that one and was sure Seiryu would also love it.

He closed the book and pushed it towards her with an extended arm. "I showed you mine, now show me yours."

With hesitant hands, she took it. The cover was made of sage green leather, the same colour as her Kyura haori, and at the front was her clan's crest. Her fingers glided over the white painted dents of the wolf head before she opened the book. She streamed through the pages, trying to ignore the strong stare Kakashi had pinned on her.

Her chest tightened as she landed on the poem that hadn't left her mind since the beginning of all the mess they had fallen into. Her eyes roamed the words, letting them come and dwell into her, but she didn't read it out loud. Kakashi knowing of it would make her skin shed until he could peruse all of her with those red and black eyes that already knew too much, that had already uncovered too much of what was hers. This time, she would guard at least a piece for herself in the words of the poem.

_Blue chakra on red hands._

_My charred snowdrop _

_Leaves nothing but a sharp blade._

"You don't have to read it, if you don't want to."

But if she didn't read anything, he would know that inside of that book was a secret piece of herself she had wanted to keep. Her finger pushed between two random sheets and opened the book there. Maybe it had been the gap made by the paper stuck between the pages, but her finger had opened where a stray written paper was saved.

Gohama frowned as her chest tightened until her lungs couldn't move and her breath caught inside her throat. She knew that handwriting, she knew it as if it had been branded onto her own mind. Mother's handwriting and Mother's poem.

Before she could think about Mother's privacy, her eyes were speeding through the lines. She wished they had stopped on the first letter, she wished she hadn't known of how much Mother understood who she really was. She wished the image of Mother as Gohama had smiled at her had stayed as nothing but the common smile of a daughter to her mother.

_She smiles _

_A child's smile to her mother_

_And I forget_

_I forget _

_She's not mine _

_(I am always hers)_

_I forget_

_Her life_

_Overflows with_

_Death._

Again, another shattered glass that cut through Gohama's hands. She had thought her childhood was safe from the wrecking force blowing through the pieces of her life. Even now, with everyone dead, with no one to rearrange the pieces, they moved and they fell and they broke.

Her mind ran with all the blurred images of Mother. All the smiles and words and tender affection she had given her. How hadn't Gohama realised it before? How hadn't she seen the lurking sadness every time Mother had looked at her? It was so clear now, so painfully clear. It was the truth but Gohama wished she had never known of it.

Gohama closed the book, but she couldn't pretend that the poem was not in there. She couldn't pretend that everything had been perfect and she had been perfect, the perfect ninja, the perfect daughter, the perfect childhood. Even then she had failed Mother, even then she had made her write sad poems about the girl filled with death she had had to call daughter.

It was always death with Gohama. Death, death, death. Until she didn't know where she started and death began.

"Are you okay, Gohama?"

Her startled eyes shot up to Kakashi, still leaning against the wooden post of the engawa, the same place Mother had sat when she read. He saw right through her and she hated it. She hated the shame that crept up her neck and burned on the skin of her face. Why was she ashamed for him? Why did she care what he thought of her? He already knew, he had already known for a long time of the death that was stuck to her, of the stink of blood and putrid corpses looming around her.

Her hands heated with chakra and the smell of burning leather reached her nose before she could understand what she was doing. Her gaze turned down to her blue hands as she tried to turn the words on that book into ashes and maybe then they would fade away from her flesh.

"Hey, hey, what are you doing?"

The urgency in his tone pulled her away from the haziness covering her mind. Gohama threw the book away from her deadly hands and the chakra receded back into her pathways. She just stared at the smoking cover laid out on the engawa, her eyes wide with horror.

What was she doing? She hadn't wanted to burn The Kyura Anthology. The piece of her clan she had always admired more than all the power of their bloodline limit. The piece that showed her they were more than killing machines, that maybe Gohama could be more than a killing machine.

Kakashi was the one to move, taking off his flak jacket and using it to put down the small fire. Book salvaged, he roamed through the pages and most of them had only had the corners burnt. The major target had been the cover, with the mark of her hands dented onto the leather.

"You could have just said you didn't want to read it, you know? No need to go off burning books." Kakashi tried to lighten it with a joke, tried to spare them from the awareness of Gohama's craziness, but there was no pretending. She had freaked out and almost burnt off her favourite piece of the Kyura culture.

Gohama was going mad. The mental balance she had cultivated over the last eleven years had shattered on that valley between Fire and Hot Waters. She just had to hold the shards together for a little longer. Just until she learnt how to summon Seiryu and then her weapon could finally take over and her duty be fulfilled.

"Can you please just say something, Gohama?"

She turned around towards the backyard and jumped down from the engawa. "Let's spar." It was still pouring down hard and, in a few seconds, Gohama was already drenched and cold. It didn't matter, she just needed to spar. "You can make a bunshin."

"No, it's okay, let's spar. I like fighting in the rain." It was a sympathetic lie and she hated it too. "Gai and I do it all the time." Maybe it hadn't been a lie. Gohama could see that happening.

They stood in front of each other, Kakashi's hair falling down with the weight of the water and Gohama's plastering to her forehead and neck. She attacked first, ruthless and wild, and he blocked it with the easiness of a jounin against a genin. It made her skin cringe and her blood boil, as she continued to attack and he continued to block. Maybe if she hit hard enough his defence would break.

"Come on, Gohama, use that head of yours." He chastised, at least it sounded that way. It reminded of the times Katsuo-sensei had sparred with her when she was a genin blind with the ambition of defeating a jounin.

"Shut the fuck up." She growled, as her fists turned even more frantic.

Gohama didn't want to use that head of hers, she didn't want to think. All she wanted was to smash and win and move so fast and hard that there would be nothing inside of her besides raw strength and victory. No thinking, no memories, no failures.

Kakashi sent her face straight onto the ground. She spit the mud shoved into her mouth and wiped her lips with the back of her hand. She stood and again they fought the same way. At the end of fifteen minutes, she was panting and covered in mud.

Again, he ended up pinning her down against the cold sodden soil. "If you're just throwing fists around, use a tree trunk next time."

He had fought the entire time without his hitai-ate but the sharingan was closed. And still he had sent her to the ground enough times that her hair was coated in brown and her teeth teetering from the cold water and mud soaking onto her clothes. It irked her and yet she was glad she didn't have to face that eye again.

Fear and weakness. A shinobi's worst flaws.

Before he could pull himself away, Gohama grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled him closer. "Open the sharingan."

Kakashi just looked down at her, his scarred eyelid still closed, his chakra wavering against her front at the words.

"Open it." She demanded again with a little push of his fabric. A few drops dribbled out of his hair to fall onto her forehead and cheeks.

"I don't want to."

Her other hand shot up to his face, but even without using the sharingan his reflexes were faster than hers were. He pushed her wrist hard against the ground next to her head, smacking mud onto her cheek.

"Stop it, Gohama. Just stop it." He hissed as his hand pushed harder and she could feel her pulse throbbing into his palm.

Gohama hadn't expected such a fiery reaction to it. She could understand his protectiveness over the eye of his dead teammate, but not his reluctance at just showing her the damn sharingan.

Her surprise must have showed through her expression, because, with a little jerk and whispered curse, Kakashi pulled his hand away from her wrist and was ready to stand up. Again she locked him in place, her hold steady.

"I need to get over it." She explained.

Kakashi did nothing but stare down at her, yet he also didn't pull away. Grey, almost white, lashes shook as the sharingan moved under the thin skin of the eyelid. She had never noticed how light they were, how long, how they framed the almost black eye now trapping her down into the cold mud.

His gaze flickered away, as the scarred lid fluttered open and she trembled with it. Instead of the twirls of excitement from the previous times, her stomach was filled with cold leaded dread. Gohama could only see a sliver of red as he had his gaze fixed on her collar, not her face. She twisted the fabric in her hand and he understood her request. Slowly his eyes moved upwards until they met hers.

Her muscles tensed and she could feel the ominous grip of the sharingan pushing through her veins, forcing her members to clamp up, to freeze and lock in place for a quick easy kill. How hadn't she felt the horror of it all those times before?

It pulled her in, not from fascination. Gohama felt as if she were gripping the ground and the eye pulling her by the ankle, nails bleeding with the attempt of holding her to something, anything. The images it had forced her to see weeks ago danced through the blood red iris.

Then it was gone, her breath coming out all at once. Kakashi had closed the eye. "Don't close it… I need to…"

"I don't want to use it on you, Gohama."

"Then don't use it."

"If I open it, then I'm using it. The hitai-ate is not just for show."

"I just need to get over it. You're better than Uchiha Itachi."

His brow creased and those clear lashes wavered. They framed the black tomoe floating around blood red and again Gohama's muscles froze under her skin. "It's different from that time."

"That one was another phase. The Mangenkyo. It made sure you wouldn't break through my genjutsu. And no, I'm not going to activate it."

Her hand twitched by her side with the impulse of touching the skin around the sharingan, the ragged scar that ran down the side of his face and disappeared bellow his mask. "Why is it spinning?"

"I can't stop it from taking in the details or memorising things."

"What does it see?"

"Your temperature, your chakra flow, your heartrate, every little change of your expression." Kakashi explained as his pupil jumped around in quick frantic movements, searching through her face. He blinked before continuing, "The fastest way to kill you…"

"Tell me."

Kakashi blinked again, his eye crushed shut for a longer time, as a crease deepened in between his eyebrows. "Snapping your neck."

"Do it." The words were out of her mouth before she could even make sense of them. She was definitely going mad.

"You're crazy." He knew it too.

"You should."

"For me or for you?"

"For Konoha." He tried to pull away but Gohama held him in his place with the grip on his shirt. "I'm not your teammate and I'm not your friend. I'm an enemy of Konoha. A liability, right, Hatake Kakashi? Not doing it is what makes you worse than scum."

"What does that matter to you?" His tone was biting and the sharingan's ominous feel crept over her spine in a shiver. He pried her fingers away from his collar and she didn't fight him this time. "Stop testing me, Gohama."

"I want to know why you won't, why you're here." She could never understand why he did the things he did.

"I got lost on the road of life and ended up here." He joked with his typical eye-crikle, as he looked down at her from his standing position. "Get out of the rain. You're freezing."

He turned away and left, his sandals squishing against the wet grass. Gohama moved her head to look at the dark clouds above her, a hand coming up to shield her eyes from raindrops, now that Kakashi's face wasn't serving as a cover.

It was too much again, whatever it was that kept getting stuck to her chest, heavy and gnawing. It was too much.

* * *

For the next days they were back to avoiding each other. Well, Kakashi wasn't really bothering himself with avoiding her. She was certain he spent most of his day on the engawa and just stood off his butt when they had training sessions. Gohama was the only one that left the house every day to stay as far away from him as possible.

There was now an itch under her skin every time Kakashi was near her and Gohama did everything she could to keep it there. Familiarity was the worst thing for her, because it brought habit with it and carelessness. She had to work on grooming that ambiguous itch into resentment and then hate.

Gohama hadn't forgiven him for killing her parents and certainly hadn't forgotten. Yet, except for that hour long battle where she had boiled with fresh hurt, anger and chakra, any type of hatred towards Kakashi had deflated into a void. Maybe it was because of the dark shadow of grief and loss grasping at her heart and leaving her incapable of any potent emotion.

Because hate was powerful. Gohama knew hate. It was a ruthless gnawing that took over everything inside her, erasing everything but that hate, that burning, crushing hate. She had hated the white masked man from that night eleven years ago, his ninjato dripping with Mother's blood. She still hated him. But Kakashi was not him. Gohama knew his face had been behind that white mask, his hand had held that sharp blade and pierced Mother's stomach. She just didn't feel it.

Why didn't she feel it? Why didn't she hate him?

But at least now there was that itch. Every day when that itch didn't darken into hate, Gohama felt the heavy guilt pull her down. Her parents' killer slept beside her and not once had she felt the temptation of pushing a blade into the ribs of his back, not once had she felt enough resentment to want to hurt him.

What would Mother and Father think of their loveless, hateless daughter?

Gohama knew she would kill him, either way, hating him or not, she would end up piercing a chidori through his heart, just as he had done with Father and every target of his. It would just be so much easier if she hated him.

And so, every day she followed Hatake Kakashi's example, a sign of the great irony of life, and spent hours staring at the cold granite and marble gravestones of her people, reading each name, and leaving flowers for the ones she had known and loved. Gohama didn't know what she was supposed to do when visiting the memorial, but every day she stayed there and just remembered. In memory they live on.

Even Uncle Tsukate. Gohama had laid a stone next to her family and engraved 'Kyura Tsukate' into the granite with a chakra-covered finger.

It was the memorial for the victims of the massacre, but she felt Uncle deserved to be there. He had been a victim too, in a way. Gohama was sure a part of him had died that day, just as hers had. And her name was there too, between Mother's and Yukine's.

The Third Shinobi War had made him leave Buki to become a monk, it had made him leave a shinobi's life, of fighting and killing, of protecting his people. Everyone spoke of war as the culmination of humanity's evil and suffering. Everyone seemed to hate it and yet everyone seemed to seek it.

Was war that horrifying that he had felt his duty was to preserve peace above protecting his people? Uncle had thought he was doing good and where had it led? Destruction and death.

Gohama was following that path too. She had accepted it eleven years ago and continued to accept it now. At the end road, loomed the shadow of death. Whatever path she chose it was always there. It was not just her, Gohama realised, and instead of misery, it filled her with consolation. Yet, it still hurt, the piercing consciousness of it, inevitable, final and absolute. Life overflowed with death.

* * *

"You're quiet."

Gohama didn't even bother herself with lifting her eyes from her weapon sharpening to Kakashi. "Because we usually talk so much."

"It's a different type of quiet."

"Who would have thought? Hatake Kakashi actually misses socialisation. Genma would love to know about that." She mocked, as she dragged her kunai more roughly over the whetstone. She had been sharpening it for too long, so the blade balance was ruined either way. "Or better, Gai." He visibly shuddered.

"I'm just not used to such peace."

"Then enjoy it and don't ruin mine."

"That kunai would agree that your peace has been ruined a long time ago."

Said kunai imbibed into the wood post above Kakashi's head, cutting off a few strands of silver hair that glided softly to spread across the wind and his lap.

Instead of looking startled, he gave her a crinkled smile. "Now we're matching."

"What?"

"Our uneven hair."

"Don't compare my hair to whatever animal died on top of your head."

"The only difference is that mine sticks up and yours sticks down."

Her fingers glided through the length of her hair, feeling the strands shorter on the back than on the front. With a new blush tinting her cheeks, Gohama brought her dark ends, that now reached her shoulders, closer to her line of sight.

They were ragged. A single swipe with a tanto would obviously do that to any person's hair, but she hadn't been bothered by that. She had actually completely forgotten about her new style, except for the sporadic surprise of untangling her morning knots and finding that her swipes ended sooner than expected. Gohama hadn't looked into a mirror in weeks and maybe that had helped her forget about the awful state of her hair.

There were a thousand of worries circling through her mind, but somehow Kakashi's sudden comment had made this superficial, little detail of herself stand above all else.

"I can even it." She frowned with doubt at him. "I cut my own hair."

"Is that supposed to reassure me?"

"Yes."

"Have you looked at your hair?"

"You've seen me handle a blade, Gohama, you know I have talented fingers." There was a cocky, teasing glint to his eye she hadn't seen in some time. "Cutting hair can't be much different from dealing a well-placed cut on an enemy."

"Oh, yes, Copy-nin, please reassure me with more battle comparisons when you'll have a kunai near my neck."

"I promise I won't slash your throat." Kakashi said with his eye-crinkle, while a kunai spun around his finger. When had he taken it out of his pouch?

"If you kill—"

"Gohama," He cut in with a strong tone. "we both know that I won't. Now turn around so I can at least try to make you bearable to look at."

She kicked his leg half-heartedly at the rude comment. "You're having fun with this."

His smile never left as he grabbed her ankle, the touch making her jolt, dragged her through the floor and forced her to turn around. Gohama sat with a stiff back and sprang up muscles, her legs dangling over the edge of the engawa. Kakashi settled behind her. His chakra seeped into the nerves on her back and made the fine hairs of her neck stand.

Her shoulders jerked again as he pulled all of her hair back with two gloved hands, one already holding the sharp kunai. His fingers threaded through her dark waves, gentle and unhurried, almost lazy, as they pulled at the knots and smoothed down the strands. Her scalp tingled and Gohama couldn't quiet the small shivers trembling through the top of her spine. Kakashi took his time playing with her hair and easing her into his ministrations before actually starting cutting, the blade too close from such a vulnerable spot.

At the first rustling of the metal against her stands, Gohama closed her eyes, the same soothing tingles and sound guiding her mind onto other times someone had cut her hair.

Koroko, her nanny, had done it with careful snips of the scissors, as they stood in front of a mirror, her throat murmuring an out-of-tune song, only interrupted when she snapped at Gohama for moving around. Gohama had always watched through their reflection the moment she finished, looked over her head with a smile to make sure the work was well done and kissed the top of her head.

Uncle had cut her hair too, at the monastery. His movements hadn't been as sure in the beginning, as Koroko's. There was no mirror and Gohama was old enough to keep herself still. He had worried about making her pretty, an attempt at inspiring a typical girl's sense of self-care in a time when all she had cared about was training and being a better shinobi.

Still, she hadn't cared, one time going as far as shaving her head, as all the other monks. It had devastated Uncle, she had seen it in his smile as she first appeared in front of him. It was marked with the realisation that no matter how hard he tried, Gohama would never have the normal cares of a teenage girl.

Those had appeared later, in Konoha. Gohama still remembered that festival night on her birthday when she had dressed in a kimono. For the first time in years, she had felt pretty and had cared about feeling pretty, a prideful sort of elation making her smile at her own reflection. It hadn't compared to the thundering of her heart when Hansuke had complimented her.

A lump pressed into her throat at the thought of him, of Uncle, of Koroko. All the people that either were dead or shunned out of her life, all of them she had lost.

"How is war?" Gohama asked quietly and only the little shudder of Kakashi's chakra made her sure that he had heard her. Still, he continued to work on her hair and didn't answer. "You were there, in Uncle's company. That's why he knew you, why he called you, a Konoha nin, his friend… So, how was it?"

"Just death all around. Everyone around you is dying and there's nothing you can do to save them."

Gohama had lived through that, through a massacre. Was war the same?

"Still, you'd never make the choice Uncle did had you been in his place." If there was one thing Gohama knew of Kakashi was his unwavering loyalty to Konoha.

At these words, Kakashi's hands finally stopped and pulled away from her.

"No, but I've always been a selfish man. Tsukate didn't just fight for the lives of his people, but my people too. It's why I'll always owe him."

"It doesn't justify the betrayal."

"Tsukate never tried to justify it. He knew what he was doing and he took it as it was." Gohama felt his sad sigh shaking the strands of her hair. "He was a too good man." His words made her heart tremble and her fingers tighten around the fabric of her haori, where it rested on her thighs.

"Do you know who Uncle lost?" Her voice left a little too shaky for her pride.

"Katsuo."

Even Gohama, as little as she had been, had felt the impact, the cavernous and piercing blow, that her older uncle's death had brought to their family. Grandmother hadn't lasted long after that, Uncle Tsukate had left Buki and the only one remaining of the main Kyura branch had been Father. In few years, he had been left alone to lead a village and a clan. It made all his tired looks and his kind smiles burn deeper in Gohama's memories.

"A Buki nin called Keishi. They were together."

"Keishi…" Gohama whispered, looking down at her white knuckles through stinging eyes. "I've seen their photo together. Uncle never told me about him. He never told me about anything."

"He didn't want to put his burdens on you."

"I wanted to know, I should have known. I always thought his grief was for our Village because it was what I was grieving. The war was the reason he left Buki and became a monk and I never even thought about how much that had broken him."

A stray tear escaped her waterline, sliding down her cheek. With a quick, hidden move, Gohama's thumb dabbed it and stopped it from slipping down her chin. She hated herself from letting it show when Kakashi was right behind her.

"Only when I found out the truth did I truly realise Uncle was his own person with his own worries and griefs. And I… I—"

"That's usually how things go with parents. One day you realise they're people too, for the best and for the worst…" Kakashi laid a hand on her shoulder, heavy and warm, accompanying his words with a gentle squeeze. "Don't let it get so much to you, Gohama."

"It's not just him, it's…" Mother, she whispered in her heart and somehow Kakashi heard it too.

"The poem. Your mother's poem… It didn't mean she despised you. It's full of love and of the helplessness of a mother that can't give her daughter the life she deserves."

Gohama brought her knees to her chest and dropped her forehead to her arms, as they wrapped around her legs, her face hidden from him. The movement made Kakashi's hand slide down until it rested on her back, awkward and tingly, but he didn't pull away.

Her throat burned from her attempt at keeping the bitter tears secret inside her chest, but she couldn't hold them back anymore. With a silent sob, they fell from her eyes onto the skin of her thighs. Her shoulders were stiff as she tried to stop them from trembling, even if either way Kakashi could smell her crying.

How could the man that had killed Mother talk of her with that heart breaking tone? Where was the man in the white mask she had wanted to kill?

"We're shinobi. Our lives overflow with death." Kakashi added in a tired accepting tone. "That's what allows us to protect our people."

Somehow that word justified everything, somehow it made everything acceptable. They were what they were meant to be and that was enough validation for all of its horrible parts.

He accepted it, Gohama also accepted it, but sometimes, as today, as for the past weeks, it hurt too much and made all the self-loathing and disillusion surface onto her skin. She hated herself for crying, she hated herself for not hating the man sitting behind her. Gohama was a Buki shinobi and the daughter of her parents, the death overflowing through her should also be his, she would make it his.

Gohama used her forearms to dry the wet tracks on her cheeks, but she didn't pull away from her buried position, she couldn't.

"You are good at protecting them." She envied him for it.

The massacre of Buki was a proof of that. Kakashi had managed to invade the village and kill the Yukikage, preventing a war that would devastate Konoha. Few ninja had the skill for it.

"I'm not. People usually have a tendency to die on me." He shared with a rooted weariness than only added to his usual low drawled voice. "Or hurt because of me."

The back of his knuckles glided up her back, making goose bumps spread over her skin, until his fingers stopped at her nape to brush through her hair. His other hand wrapped around her jaw and her hand shot out to his wrist at the intrusive touch.

"Sorry. Just need you to sit straight again."

Gohama had forgotten what they were actually doing. She didn't take her hand away from the one dangerously settled on her jaw, but she let him guide her into the position that best worked for him. Kakashi let go of her and set out to deal the final changes to her haircut. The little tugs and brushes made her scalp tingle again and her muscles unwind.

"It's done."

Gohama brushed her own hands through her hair, testing the length, now even and falling a couple of centimetres above her shoulders. As always, the great Copy-nin's skill with a blade didn't let down.

It was awkward now. Gohama didn't know what she should say. A 'thank you' would be expected but she couldn't get the words pass her throat. She started to stand up and leave without saying anything, when two hands pushed down her shoulders.

Kakashi inhaled, set on saying something, but seemed to give up at the last moment. His hands left her with a quick twitch. "Sorry."

He stood up and went inside, taking away a sigh of relief from her now that she didn't have to think of anything to say to him.

Her fingers brushed through her hair again, as she leaned on chin on her knee, breathing in the scent of dried twigs and thinking back to the days when Yukine would run around lush grass and she would help him stand up when he fell, Mother lifting her eyes from a book to smile at them. That one she was remembering had been nothing but the common smile of a mother to her children.

Her head turned to look inside, even if she knew Kakashi was no longer there. Maybe he was right about Mother's poem, but it wasn't enough to erase the aching feeling inside of her. Why had he even tried to do reassure her? Why had he even searched for what had freaked her out?

Her hands pulled at the ends of her strands. Why did he even care about her hair enough to actually cut it?

Where the fuck was the man in the white mask?

* * *

"There's tea for you."

Gohama quirked her eyebrow up as she brushed the sleep out of her eyes. "That's very domestic of you, Copy-nin." Usually they cooked for themselves and ate by themselves, the only thing they shared was her game meat and rice provisions she had bought on a small town near Buki.

"Maa, I was making some for me..." Kakashi shrugged as he took sips out of his cup and kept his eyes locked on a book.

Her fingers threaded through her hair, trying to smooth down the knots from sleeping. With a little upturn of her lips, she took in the definitely too domestic picture of Kakashi in the low table, facing the opened doors that led to the backyard, as he drank his tea and read his book. (It was intact, so it wasdefinitely not the Anthology. He would probably stay away from that one as much as possible after her break down.)

Her heart soured as the picture reminded her of the rare mornings she woke up soon enough to catch Father before he left for the Yukikage Palace.

Snapping her gaze away from him, she stood up and folded her futon closed. Why did he always make her relive the warm comforting feelings of her childhood only for Gohama to be slapped back into reality? Sitting with him and drinking the tea he had prepared for the both of them, as if they were nothing but two normal people enjoying the quiet morning, would definitely only deepen the ache in her heart.

"You shouldn't have bothered. Drink it yourself, I'm going to train."

"It wasn't really a bother." He mumbled under his breath, but Gohama was already leaving the room with a change of clothes and she didn't know what to quip at that. Maybe something about Kakashi only knowing how to boil water. Or how he was so lazy he would never do anything that actually bothered him.

Anything that would mask away how seriously she took the act of drinking tea in the morning on her childhood home, looking out onto her childhood backyard. How wrong it should feel to do it with a person Gohama had to hate. How wrong it felt that she knew it wouldn't.

As she was moving through the doorframe, Kakashi's low voice made her fingers grip onto the jamb. "Are you afraid of me?"

Gohama ignored the tightening around her chest at his dejected tone, making her answer leave her tongue cold and mocking. "If I was afraid I wouldn't sleep next to you."

"It's my sharingan." He stated and it pinched because it was true. She wasn't scared of the sharingan itself anymore, but the image of the red eye still made her muscles freeze with the shadow of that horrifying genjutsu.

"What's your point, Kakashi?"

"You're avoiding me."

She shifted slightly on her feet, so he could see her raised eyebrow and mocking expression delivered over her shoulder. "You _are_ feeling lonely."

He shook his head slightly, his gaze fixed on the cup between his hands. "You should avoid me. I can leave Buki, if you want."

"Why? Do you seriously think that you'll look at me and I'll crumble like a broken doll?" That it had happened before wasn't her current point. Gohama wouldn't let such a crippling weakness surface again.

"When I said that everyone around me dies, it's not just during war, Gohama."

Gohama laughed, a twinge of offence and a full glass of bitterness rumbling through it. Did he not know who she was?

"Well, then, Kakashi, I guess we'll have to test which curse strikes first. Mine or yours."

Just as she was passing through the threshold of the room again, her feet suddenly stopped and her hand tightened around the doorjamb. "Actually," Gohama spun around to face him with a tilt of her head and a sardonic smile. "I'll have that cup of tea after all."

* * *

_Poem #1 is by Yosano Akiko_

_Poem #2 is by Kusano Shinpei_


	46. V - Chapter 6

Part V | Chapter 6

* * *

Gohama crunched her eyes closed as the sun struck her, now that Kakashi had rolled away from where he had pinned her on the ground of backyard. Her chest heaved after another ruthless taijutsu training against Kakashi. With the hem of her shirt, she cleaned the sweat off her forehead and neck. She threw a furtive glance towards the ninja beside her, his breathing calm as he leaned on his arms resting over bent knees.

His hair fell down onto the left side of his face. Kakashi had stopped wearing his hitai-ate when they spared, using his hair to hide the red eye from her. He never let her see it now. She could feel it sucking in his chakra as the heel of his palm rubbed over the sharingan. Did it hurt him from just a spar?

"You're brutal." Gohama said through evening pants.

"Of all people I wasn't expecting you to ask me to pull my punches."

"Oh, I'm not. I like it rough." She delivered it with a smirk and best breathless voice she could mock, but Kakashi didn't react in any way, not even with a retort, his bored stare pointing forward. "Just surprised you're worse than Gai."

While Gai was one to throw constant blows, which did hurt when not properly evaded or blocked, Kakashi was more about waiting out for the perfect moment to strike, which meant one blow with the accuracy of twenty. It ended up tiring and hurting a lot more and being less efficient in letting off steam, the reason why she had started sparing with Gai in the first place. Now it would never happen again.

"Didn't even know you two sparred."

"Are you jealous, Kakashi?" She asked in a drawled teasing tone. "Don't worry, I won't steal your precious eternal rival." She would probably never see him again, Gohama thought as she used the fabric of her shirt to fan the heated skin of her stomach. "Not that Gai would ever let himself be stolen. Everyone knows he'll be there for you until the end of time."

Her line was serious this time, she wanted to see how Kakashi would react to that. He never showed his attachment to Gai, but Gohama knew he had to care for him, whether he even realised that or not. If he didn't enjoy his eternal rival's company, he would never put up with the crazy challenges Gai threw at him.

Not surprisingly, Kakashi didn't let anything escape through his constantly bored aloof expression. It would have been annoying, as it always was when Gohama couldn't make him come out of that mask he carried, if she hadn't caught his side-glance at her bare belly.

It made her feminine pride flurry and a cocky smile upturn her lips. She hadn't felt it in some time, as it had only been reserved for the moments she had caught Hansuke staring, so she let herself delight in the empowering feeling of being worth looking at.

It lasted little. Kakashi's hand reached for her, and, for an instant, Gohama's breath was trapped inside her chest. His fingers glided feather lightly over the side of her stomach, near her hip. Their gentle, lightning touch made her muscles twitch under her skin.

Kakashi inhaled to talk and she had expected a teasing comment over her reaction. "You have a bruise here."

Her feminine pride sank low inside of her. He had only been looking because she had a bruise, not because he liked what he saw. Her hand pulled her hem forcefully back down, smacking his hand away in the process.

"It's just a bruise, it'll disappear." Gohama puffed, as her arm draped over her face to hide her from the sun and her embarrassed blush.

"Does it hurt?" He asked as he poked it with his fingers over her shirt.

Gohama flinched, it did hurt a little. She was sure it had been that kick to her side, which had thrown her all the way across the backyard.

"Stop it. I'm pretty sure you also have bruises," She had hit him quite some times, definitely more than when they had started their taijutsu training. "do you want me to poke and squeeze around to see if they hurt too?"

"You could poke and squeeze me anytime you want, Gohama."

"Then I guess it won't be happening."

"Maa, you should know the jonin have elected me the best ass of Konoha."

"Your biggest accomplishment, I'm sure."

He twisted in his sitting position, so he could lift his bottom off the ground. "Mm, there's a bruise there, if you want to give my ass a squeeze."

"You're an idiot." Gohama puffed as she kicked his butt so he would stumble to the side, which he did but only because he had let that happen. "Bakashi."

Kakashi was laying now, his hands behind his head. "Haven't heard that in a while."

"Who even calls you that? Drunk Genma?"

He only looked to the side at her, but didn't speak. Somehow that was enough of an answer even if his expression didn't let anything show again. Gohama turned her head to look at the frail blue of the sky, even if his eye didn't let anything out, it still felt heavy against her own, piercing even. It had been one of his dead precious people.

"Why don't you summon your ninken anymore?" And with that question he evaded his gaze and again didn't answer. "If you don't want them to meet me, you can say so, Kakashi. There's no need to worry about my nonexistent feelings."

That made him stand up and walk away. Her feelings didn't seem so nonexistent now. Then, she felt a spike of his chakra and the popping sound of a puff of smoke.

She raised herself onto her elbows to look at the large number of dogs breaking out of the smoke, tails wiggling and nuzzles turned upwards to look at Kakashi. Before he could greet them, all their sharp eyes turned to the unusual presence that was Gohama. The uncomfortable scrutinising made her stand up on weak knees.

As a Kyura, Gohama understood how deep the bond between ninja and their summons went. The white wolves were more than an aid in battle, they were an essential piece in the Kyura's identity. Father had had a bond with Yukine, who had been the inspiration for her little brother's name. She had dreamed of bonding with Yukine too, and Gohama now could, she had been able to since the day Father died, but it had never felt right.

These were Kakashi's summon animals. He was letting her meet them, not out of necessity on a mission, but because she simply had asked after them. It made a warm and aching feel twist around in her chest.

A ninken with warm brown fur and wrappings around his neck stepped away from the group. His snout wiggled as he sniffed the air, getting closer to her with each step. He pushed it onto her extended hand, and it tickled the skin of her palm, leaving behind a wet trail.

"I remember your smell." He commented with a wiggle of his tail, mirroring the excitement in his voice. "It was years ago, but I never forget a smell, especially when Kakashi stinks of fear because of it."

She threw a quick glance towards Kakashi, who was brushing the back of his head with a sheepish expression. "It was when you were kidnapped by Danzo's orders… Uhei was the one to track you."

"Well, Uhei… I'm Gohama."

"I know." Uhei explained with a childlike self-satisfied tone. "We all know that."

She glanced back at Kakashi, who looked even more sheepish than before, a little red dusting peeking over his mask. Gohama smiled in amusement and turned back to Uhei. "Thank you for finding me."

"You're welcome." He beamed, his tail speeding away with its shakes. "You can pet me if you want."

Gohama crouched down to be at eye-level with him and her hand reached to stroke between the brown fur at his head and the white spot circling his snout, short and smooth under her palm. He didn't waste time and promptly rested his head on her thigh, making Gohama's heart swell at how easily he opened up to her.

The other ninken were still gathered in their group, snouts squirming and eyes probing. Gohama tried not to let it get too much to her. It was common for summoned animals to be wary of strangers, especially considering her and Kakashi's case. If he had told them who she was, he had probably explained their fragile circumstances. At least to Pakkun, who was stabbing her with a surprisingly hostile glare for a face usually so bored.

Kakashi cleared his throat and neared the other dogs. "The others are Urushi, Shiba, Guruko, Bisuke, Akino, and Bull. Pakkun you've already met." He told her as he pointed a hand while relating the names. "Guys, this is Gohama."

Only Bull and Pakkun, who was sitting on the alarmingly giant dog's head, stayed put, while the ninken moved towards her, their muzzles pushing against her legs and hands.

"Do any of you like hunting?" All their ears perked up at the question. "I'm the one that hunts around here, Kakashi prefers to fish, you can come with me if you want to. Two at a time maybe…"

"So you invite my ninken even before me?" Kakashi asked, his mask shifting in a mocking pout.

"Of course, they're cute."

"But Kakashi can come too, right?" The ninken with droopy long hears and dark circles around his eyes asked as he pushed his head against her hand, silently requesting that she stroke him too. He was the cutest one, giving her puppy pleading eyes.

"Do you want him there, Bisuke?" The ninken nodded. "Then I guess he'll have to come too."

Bisuke turned his face away from her, towards Kakashi, but she didn't miss the wink he had given him. Gohama laughed at how he backed his contractor, her fingers rubbing behind his ears and at the character for shinobi between his eyes.

"Ne, Kakashi, do you always use your ninken's cuteness to get what you want?"

"I have my own charm to help me, but it doesn't beat these guys' puppy eyes. After years, I'm still not immune." He scooped Bisuke up to his lap, roughly but fondly rubbing behind his hears, the ninken's little leg shaking from delight. "Right, guys?" They all nodded. "Maybe I'll finally stop giving you treats."

The pack's ears perked up and, at the same time, all their heads snapped to Kakashi. In an instant only ninken could master, he was under a mess of legs, tails and tongues, a sporadic human leg and arm sprouting from the bundle of fur. Even the gigantic bulldog had joined the chaos.

Gohama sat back as she watched the fun tender moment between the pack with a small smile on her face. She could even hear Kakashi's rich and rare laugh from the mixture of barks and groans. It was another foreign side of him that she was only now witnessing, carefree and gentle, as he laughed and stroked every one of his ninken with promises of treats. Despite the warmth in her chest, Gohama turned her eyes away, feeling that she was barging in on a moment she had no place in, could never have a place in.

They calmed down after a few more tackles and licks. Gohama felt Uhei nudge the side of her thigh and automatically her hand reached to rub the short soft fur.

All that remained was a buried Kakashi underneath Bull. He patted the side of his ninken. "Okay, Bull, you can get up now." He obeyed, but not before licking the side of his face and hair.

He sat up with the same sheepish expression as before, and she fought her growing amused grin by biting on her lower lip. His silver hair even messier than his crazy bed hair, with soil and twigs sticking out of it. His shirt had ridden up, showing the mesh he wore beneath, but before Gohama could take a full look at it, Kakashi tugged the fabric down.

"You have a little thing there." Gohama said, pointing to her own hair.

His hand searched for a twig, plucking it out. "Is it gone?"

Again, she forced down her amusement at the sight of his still filthy strands. "Yup."

* * *

Like every afternoon since he had arrived to Buki, Kakashi was sitting at the edge of the engawa, slouched against the wooden post. He had taken a liking to that particular spot, the spot where Mother used to sit. When she felt his presence there, she could pretend it was Mother. She could hear again the brushing of sheets because of Mother's fingers, the light and jingly giggles in disturbing manly ones, a pristinely rolled up dark hair and soft jawline in a wild mane and masked face.

It was wrong of her, she knew, deceiving and treacherous, but she couldn't stop the pretence. There was no resentment that the man who had taken her life had taken over her favourite spot too. Why would she resent Kakashi when she was the one that robbed Mother of herself? Who tried to make real memories into a play for the little, petty delight of her heart?

However, today, instead of one of his _Icha Icha_, he was studying the Seal Scroll and, instead of creepily giggling, he was frowning at the paper. When he noticed her presence, Kakashi quickly wrapped the scroll closed, face back to its lazy attitude.

Gohama placed her elbow heavily beside his bent leg and upheld her chin in her open palm, looking at him with her usual smirk. "The genius is having school trouble? Is Kyura fuinjutsu too much for the great Copy nin?"

Kakashi stared ahead, his eye as droopy and oblivious to her as if she were nothing but a passing ant. The curiosity quieted down her pride. He would typically grace her with a witty quip and they would go on with shallow teasing, until one of them got bored and simply stopped answering.

"It really is getting to you." she commented lightly. "Let me see if I can handle it." she said extending her hand to him.

Not caring about shoving her elbow off the engawa, he jumped onto the ground and walked past her towards the middle of the backyard. "We have training to do." Dry and curt as a strict commander.

Classic run from whatever he didn't want to confront until it miraculously went away. "Give me the scroll." He threw her a scroll. She ignored the arch it made in the air, "The Seal one." She demanded as she caught the Chakra Scroll.

"It's chakra training time," he answered while turning towards her "not seals".

Gohama chuckled with bitterness. "If you only had played it cool, maybe you'd have gotten away." she laid her hand in front of her "Give me the scroll." He crossed his arms and stared at her with that droopy infuriating eye of his. "You do realised I'll get it sooner or later."

"Later it is then."

Gohama pointed her open palm to him and released a chakra arm, which Kakashi dodged. He kept dodging and she gave up, crossing her arms. Burying her hand in her pouch, she pulled out a piece of sealing paper and laid it on the ground, injecting chakra into it. A dome of blue energy circled around them.

"You're so spoiled."

Her hand cut through the air again and this time he didn't try to evade her chakra field. She dispelled the dome. "You have no right to hide something about my own jinchuriki seals, Hatake."

"There's absolutely no need for you to read it, _Kyura_. Trust me on this." he ordered.

"No. I don't trust you on this, I don't trust you on anything."

Kakashi kept looking at her, unmoving, his slouch deepened and his posture became even more impassive. With flick of her wrist, she pulled him to her.

She held an accusing finger pointed at his chest. "What are you hiding? Did you find a way of finishing me off quickly? Are you afraid I'll take away your only trump card?"

Before she could push her finger to his chest, he used a lightning-covered hand to tear her chakra field and grasped her wrist. "Let go of me!" she tried wriggling from his hold "Don't touch me! I swear I'll crush you with my chakra!" He was only encouraged to catch the other one, the leather of his glove biting into her skin.

"Stop being so stubborn and listen to me."

His tone was like the one he would use on the battlefield, seeping with rule and menace. Gohama couldn't help but freeze mid movement. His strong hold was actually starting to hurt, but she didn't dare go against him when she could feel the sharingan spinning under his hitai-ate.

"Did I ever gave you any indication that I wanted to 'finish you off quickly'?" Oh, he was very angry, her stomach quivered at the rumbles of his low, piercing voice. "Are you so blind that you think that's why I'm here? Don't you mirror your own hate on me, Gohama." His tone lost its threatening edge and he loosen his hold slightly. "If I don't want you to read the scroll is because there isn't any good in you reading it."

"Give it to me."

Kakashi's eye dropped at her demand, something swimming inside his opaque grey, and then it was gone. He freed one of her wrists to reach for his pouch and placed the scroll on her hand with a thud. "Stubborn woman."

Gohama ignored his bitter comment and pulled her other arm away from his grip. She opened the scroll and searched for whatever had made Kakashi so unsettled. She didn't have much interest in the seal one, considering she couldn't use those type of fuinjutsu on herself. She scanned her eyes over the names of the seals. They were all different ways to reinforce the weakened jutsu.

Once she was reaching the end, more confused than anything about his behaviour over nothing, her eyes skimmed over an odd title. Temporary Vessel Seal, she read. Gohama's gaze flickered to an impassive Kakashi and looked back. This was the one. It was supposed to be performed in case the jinchuriki was dying, so Seiryu wouldn't die with them. She studied the drawing of the swirling letters and dark lines of the seal, it was a weak one compared to the others.

"_Kakashi has a point, Gohama." _Seiryu softly told her.

"_You made a late appearance." _She commented dryly.

"_This may be surprising but I'm not always watching whatever happens in your fascinating life." _His tone changed into a resigned one._ "You don't trust, Kakashi, so listen to me when I say he has a point." _

"_I'm the jinchuriki. I deserve, I need to know everything."_

She read even if cold dread was starting to wave through her. The beast would be temporarily transplanted from the dying jinchuriki, which would die with the breached connection, to another Kyura, one that had been assigned for that purpose alone. One that would die once Seiryu was sealed into the rightful baby Kyura vessel. Every jinchuriki had one Temporary Vessel assigned to follow him or her in case drastic measures had to be taken. They were experts in fuijutsu and performed the sealing on themselves.

All to make sure the ten-tailed beast would remain with the Kyura. They spent years learning how to perfect the art that would kill them, their keen minds and chakra used against the life that harboured them. Her clan sent its own people to the slaughterhouse. Their sole purpose was to die.

"_Has it ever been used?"_

"_Twice…"_

"_When?" _The silence told her what she had wanted to know. Gohama gripped the manuscript in her hand, the old paper crunching up, shattering inside her closed fist. "_Answer me, Seiryu."_ he didn't speak "Tell me!" with all her emotions breaking away, her voice escaped too in a broken yell.

Gohama let the scroll fall onto the ground and spiked her chakra onto the dragon hand sign after closing her eyes. Kakashi lunged to catch her limp body before it hit the ground.

Seiryu was standing in his wide, blank, infinite seal, slightly uncomfortable. Although considerably smaller, Gohama felt as menacing as if she were a scolding adult with a child. She stood away from him, so her neck wasn't cranked up. The blue dragon could not escape now and his expression translated his uneasiness.

"I deserve to know. They all died when I was a child. I deserve to know about my clan. If they were alive I would know. Tell me."

His deep rumbling voice lost itself in the endless space. "You're grandfather was dying too soon." At those words it was real, she brought her hand to wrap around her forehead.

"More." She whispered.

"You were going to be born in less than a month, but he would have died before your birth. The Temporary Ves—"

"Don't call them that!"

"His body didn't accept my chakra. Another Kyura took his place—"

If it were Kakashi standing in front of her, she would have turned away from his invasive eye. But Seiryu had seen everything of her, everything that had come before her. "Weren't there any other children good to be a jinchuriki? How could they kill two of their own?"

How could Father have allowed it, Mother…? They had been devoted to their people. They were good people. They were good. A good clan.

"How, Seiryu…"

"Gohama…" he whispered and took a few steps forward until the bridge of his nuzzle was right before her. But she didn't touch him. "After the first Temporary Vessel they couldn't risk with another child. You were the perfect recipient."

"That's bullshit, they wanted your power to stay in my family."

"It's not bullshit. You're family is the main one, but the Kyura were always united, they were always a pack. They wouldn't betray their clansmen for power. Our training has shown how perfectly you've merged with me, I've merged with you, Gohama. Better than your grandfather, your great-great-grandfather. You were the perfect child for a jinchuriki."

Gohama wasn't listening to his reasoning. All her mind could grasp was the anonymous faces of her clansmen that had given their lives for hegemony. What a pitiful purpose… But that was the life of a ninja. Dying for power. How could the Kyura allow such indifference, such treachery towards their own?

"Two Kyura slaughtered by their own clan..." she murmured. The realisation was creeping into her mind, a cold snake that slithered through the grass and in an instant had its fangs tear through flesh and spread the stinging venom. "And they would be much more… they would kill every single Kyura, every single Buki citizen, if it meant your power stayed in their hands…"

"That's not true."

"It is. It's so very true." Bile rose to her throat and left in a shrill laugh. "What is the Jubi Clan without the Jubi? Don't you understand, _Jubi_? They already did it. With me…" Gohama clenched her eyes. The poison was turning into rage now, and it burned every inch in which it circled. "If they had renounced to us, the Village would have been alive still, the Kyura… Everyone! If they had just given you the fuck up!"

It was too much to keep in, Gohama didn't know if she would hold it, she didn't care. The fury needed to burst out of her through chakra or then she would drown, she felt she would.

"I never asked for you… I never asked to be the ten-tailed jinchuriki…" she expelled through clenched teeth and with that it was out. "I hate your power! I fucking hate it! I would have given you up that night, I would have given you up for Uncle, I would give you up now! I hate it!"

The chakra charred her flesh as she screamed at the only innocent in all this, her only partner in bound lives and unwanted powers. She didn't care, and she didn't care that the chakra was leaving through her real body and probably burning Kakashi too. She just needed it out, out, out. And thankfully her awareness was disappearing too.

But before it was all out, the explosion was sucked back inside her and she was thrown out of Seiryu's seal.

The quiet blue sky welcomed her back to reality with searing pain and the smell of burnt flesh. Gohama growled long and harshly, but her throat was numb against the agony that covered her skin in a shell of red melting metal. Her entire body shivered and flinched, even if it hurt more when she scrapped against the soil, she couldn't stop it. She couldn't stop the petty whimpers and tears. Deathly sickness burned in her stomach, up her chest. Her vision was blurring in black spots at the corners. She was dying, but not fast enough.

"Gohama." she shifted her eyes to the muffled call and saw it was Kakashi. She couldn't even feel his chakra signature.

"I needed to know…" she tried to whisper through the pain.

"Look at me."

A blurred movement hovered above her. "Don't touch me." She groaned between clenched teeth, her mouth tasted of metal.

"Look at the sharingan." But she couldn't open her eyes. "This is not the time to be fucking stubborn, Gohama."

She tried to shake off the weight wrapped around her face, but it held her head still. Something pulled her eyelid open and she was sure it had been ripped out. Crimson blood filled her vision and three black tomoe swirled around it. Then it was only black.

* * *

What was Gohama to him?

It always came down to that. Kakashi had never been able to pin point the place that she had undoubtedly taken in his heart. He just knew it was there, aching and warm, almost so warm it burned. And it had been burning so hard for the last month, since the mission that started this entire mess.

After two years of avoiding Gohama, he had almost forgotten how her presence affected him. His heartbeat had jumped when he had seen her out of the sudden in Konoha, or hadn't but thought he had. He also hadn't been able to stop his gaze from falling onto her on the rare occasions they had ended up together. All those times could never compare to the tender and sore motions she pulled from deep inside of him with just her constant presence.

Despite all the throbbing thrilling chaos inside him, it was comfortable and it was quiet. There were times where Kakashi forgot why they were even there, together. How could he even feel a multitude of opposite things at the same time?

Her place was different from any other one he had carried in his heart. And that scared him, that had scared him for years now. Before he had run away from that, buried it until it couldn't reach him, until both he and Gohama could be free of it, but now he couldn't run anymore. No matter how terrified he was, Kakashi wouldn't leave Gohama again. For her and for his own selfish needs.

Because he enjoyed his time with her, even if the dark shadow of their past loomed relentlessly above them, even if their reasons for being together were the most fucked up ones, even if she had stopped avoiding him just to spite him.

Gohama made getting a rise out of him her favourite pastime. He loved watching the curious mischievous glint of her green eyes right before she said or did something and he loved the annoyed almost disappointed look from not getting her desired results. If she ever discovered how deeply she affected him, she would make it her personal delight to torture him every second of his life. And he would love it too.

His favourite moments were when he sat at the engawa, a book in his hand, while she lay with her eyes closed, a pillow below her head, an arm swinging as it fell off the wooden edge. His eye would lift above the pages from time to time, spying on the image of Gohama, the silver light of Buki making her pale skin shine, her hair spilled around her head, those bare toned legs crossed and if he was lucky an unveiled slit of the skin of her belly. When the pack was there too, Uhei would reserve his spot beside her, head resting over her stomach, and Bull would be her pillow.

There were times when Gohama caught him staring, a smug smirk tugging at her full lips. If she was feeling particularly confrontational, her eyelids would snap open to catch his gaze with two green eyes. Kakashi would banter about her being even lazier than he was, considering he at least read. Gohama would answer that she was either talking with the ten tails, solving the great mysteries of the universe or working on her tan, and all of them required her sharpest effort and that meant not moving.

Those quiet moments always made his imagination wonder through impossible what-ifs that he had no right picturing. When he caught himself and shook them out of his head, they always left a sad bitter shadow behind.

Then there were little innuendo packed comments she threw at him with that torturing smirk, leaving Kakashi's heart pounding, and mind confused, never sure if they were flirting or simple banter. Or how she bit her bottom lip to keep herself from smiling at the things he said or did, as when he had his hair decorated with twigs and pretended to be an unaware idiot. And how they fought together, as if they had been in the same team for years, as if they were in tune with the inner clogs and outward moves of each other through the small inflations of their expression or muscles.

These past weeks had also made Kakashi realise how torturing his urges of touching her were. He never did however, except when necessary as when they sparred, sometimes unconsciously lingering for too long when he caught her wrists, or wrapped his arm around her neck, or pinned her to the ground. Gohama had never noticed and Kakashi had always been graced with an impeccable self-control that, although wavering sometimes, had yet to fail him.

They weren't just lustful urges he had had for other women, those were easier to accept, even with also a spoonful of guilt. Gohama was a beautiful young woman and Kakashi was only a man. Worse were the ones that fell onto an unknown type of impulses that responded to a simple affectionate need.

Kakashi had had the need of being affectionate stolen from him as a small child, when he had found his father dead on a pool of his own blood.

His heart had warmed at Minato-sensei's hair ruffles and Kushina-san's forced hugs, but he had never had the need of initiating any of those contacts himself. With Team Seven, Kakashi had delivered some of his own hair ruffles to Naruto and Sakura, never going as far as disrespecting Sasuke's boundaries – even if now he regretted that just from missing the opportunity of seeing the typical Uchiha glare of annoyance. There had been affection in those ruffles, but more to show his support as a sensei, than any actual expression of fondness. Not that he didn't have any, because he did, Team Seven had wedged itself in his heart too, he just didn't have a need of voicing it through physical affection.

With Gohama, he had stopped his hand from brushing the hair out of her face just because he wanted to feel the smoothness of her cheek under his fingertips. Or to hold her when she was sleeping right beside him, an arm's length away, just so he could feel her softness and warmth melt into his front, just so he could bury his nose in her lemon scented hair. Or press his lips to hers out of pure selfish need of kissing her senseless and showing through it everything that he didn't understand himself. But somehow he knew that what she was to him could be expressed with a simple kiss.

And those lips certainly asked to be kissed, even now with their paler colour that almost lost itself in the tone of her skin. At least the beasts' chakra hadn't reached her face. Gohama's eyebrows crunched together, making Kakashi's eye rise, and she squirmed around inside the futon. The sharingan induced blackout was staring to lift up.

Kakashi rested a cold gloveless hand on her forehead, hoping it would bring some relief to her clammy heated skin. Unconsciously his thumb started rubbing small light circles between her eyebrows, trying to sooth the crease that had formed there.

"…suke." She mumbled as the lines of her face softened.

Those small two syllables pinched right into his heart and his thumb stopped its circling motions. Kakashi had never been jealous of Hansuke and he certainly had no right of being jealous. He knew that Gohama would never belong with him and he certainly had never asked for it. Kakashi's care was a stain of guilt that would never compare to the pure generous love Hansuke had for her.

He had been the one to ask his former ANBU kouhai to take her in his team because he had known he would do her good, he had known he would offer her what Tsukate was so afraid she had been missing since the massacre. And he had been right. Hansuke had given more to Gohama than even Kakashi could have guessed four years ago.

Still, there was a little unfounded, unreasonable pinch that she had mistaken his attempt at comforting her for Hansuke's. He could understand, Kakashi didn't have that role in her life and would never have it. It wasn't jealousy, Kakashi had never been jealous and he wasn't jealous now. It was more of a self-admonishing disappointment at having failed her time and time again.

Gohama squirmed again and this time her eyes opened with slow flutters of her lashes. Between semi-closed slits two pools of green stared past him, their colour glassy and pupil wavering.

"Kakashi…?" She called in a low raspy whisper, as her eyes finally focussed on him. "Why do I feel like shit?"

"You went into a material cloak."

Her eyes widened as realisation hit her and probably the memories of what had happened. In an instant, she was back into scowling, her hand moving to press against her head only to lay against his instead. With a quick pull, he took it away from her forehead and let it settle on his knee, the fingers grasping onto the fabric. Gohama didn't seem bothered that he had been touching her, as she completely ignored it, and focussed on trying to sit up.

Kakashi helped her steady herself and she set out to take the bandages from her arms and torso.

"What are you doing?" He asked as his fingers stopped her motion by holding onto her wrist.

"Seiryu's chakra already healed me. And from the smell, my great grandmother's balm did too." She pulled her arm away from his grasp and started unwrapping her arm, the skin underneath a smooth pink. "You shouldn't have used it."

"Your skin was burnt off."

"That balm is for people that don't have a biju to heal them."

"Next time the so helpful biju burns your skin off I'll be sure to not bother with taking care of it."

At his words, Gohama glared at him with sharp eyes. "Seiryu would never hurt me." She continued to pull her bandages, this time harshly. "It wasn't him that burnt me. It was me. I did this to myself."

Kakashi had seen her melted skin, smelled the putrid stink of burnt flesh on her. Of course he would put the balm on her wounds, he would put any balm if it helped heal the horrific sight of her burnt skin. It irked him how defensive she was of the tailed beast. How could she defend the beast that had left her hurting and whimpering on the ground?

"I was the Kyubi jinchuriki's sensei, I know—"

"What do you know about the Kyubi? Really, what do you know, Kakashi?"

He knew what he needed to know. That the beast had devastated his village and killed his precious people, leaving him entirely alone.

"I'm sure the Uzumaki and Konoha never actually bothered with the Kyubi himself, only the amount of power they could take from him."

"Konoha's relationship with their tailed beast is different from Buki's, but your village never had the jubi break loose and—"

"You imprisoned the Kyubi. He had every right to—"

Those words boiled through her guts and, before he could stop himself, Kakashi was letting his anger leave through his mask of aloofness. "It had no right to kill Konoha's people! My sensei, his wife!"

Her eyes widened slightly at his hissed break out and he berated himself for letting their conversation get so deeply to him. But Gohama didn't give up on her defence of the tailed beasts, her gaze had lost its harshness, leaving only an unnerving cold steadiness.

"Just because people don't understand the tailed beasts now, doesn't mean they're monsters."

Kakashi felt her stand up from the futon, but his gaze continued fixed on the falling bandages, as they rolled and stacked on the floor, his eyes never lifting up to see her naked chest. Gohama sure knew how to take the fight out of him completely.

"And if there's a monster in all this jinchuriki shit, it's Buki, the Kyura, me. Never Seiryu. Don't throw your ignorance about who tailed beasts really are at me."

Gohama turned to leave and all he could do was stare at her bare back as she fumbled through her pack after a shirt, her last words still ringing through his ears. The entire implication that she was half-naked in front of him didn't registered, as it hadn't when he had spread the balm over the expanse of her torso. All he could see now and all he had seen then were the patches of mismatched flesh on her skin. All he could hear was her steady voice calling herself a monster.

And then there were times like this, when all their fucked up circumstances crashed into him and made him wake up from his Gohama induced daze, his own stupid foolishness. He was still the ANBU operative that assassinated her parents, she was still the ten-tails jinchuriki with a duty to Buki.

A wide bottomless abyss spread between them and not even the burning guilty care in him for her would ever break the distance the world had pushed between them.

* * *

"Seiryu…" Gohama whispered guiltily to the massive dragon as he lay like a dark ink spot on the white emptiness of the seal around them, his head resting over his extended legs.

"Kiddo." His low rumble quiet but warm and it made all of Gohama's uncertainty wash away.

Her fear of losing the one person that truly understood the weight of being a jinchuriki, the person that had accompanied her through the past weeks while she almost crumbled, the person that out of the entire jinchuriki concept had the worst end of the bargain, lifted from her guts.

Seiryu had been there, never resenting her for holding the body that chained him down. How could he not resent her? How could her name not sound biting in his tongue when she had shoved her anger at him, the one that deserved it the least.

She took a few steps closer to him through the solid nothing under her feet. "I'm sorry. I said horrible things to you. I won't let Akatsuki get to you. I will never give you up. I promise." Her eyes looked down at her hands. "And I also don't hate you."

"I know you don't, Gohama. Besides, you said you hated my power. I can recognise myself in that, sometimes I hate my power too and all that comes with it."

He took the final steps to end their distance, his head lowering to her. This time Gohama threw herself at the bridge of his nuzzle, her eyes closed as she rested her forehead against his skin, the familiar feel of his colossal chakra overwhelming her.

"I'm so sorry, Seiryu…" She whispered quietly. "We'll both be free someday. I promise."

His vast paw pressed feather lightly to the back of her body. "Don't promise me that, Gohama. I don't want freedom to come with that cost."

"I'm human. The cost will come either way, it's just a matter of it meaning your freedom or not."

Seiryu pulled away from her and lowered his head even more, so she could lay on his forehead. Through his will, the sterile whiteness faded into the dark blue of a cold northern Snow night, the cool breeze ruffling through her hair.

"You did defend us tailed beasts rather intensely."

"So you were spying, lizard."

"Of course I was. You were talking about me." He admitted in a playful tone.

"Did Kakashi offend you?"

Seiryu snorted and it shook her where she was lain. "I've lived far too long to get offended anymore. Besides, he said it more as an overprotective reaction than any actual thought out opinion. The kid's not so bad, you know."

"He's hardly a kid." Gohama mumbled, turning onto her side so her hand could smooth down the rough scales of Seiryu's head.

Nothing about the way his low voice sounded and the cords of his neck moved as he talked was childlike. She had also seen his wiry arms and the way the muscles of his broad back rippled when they moved underneath the tight fabric of his undershirt. All masculine force and tone packed into a lean body meant for speed.

"Anyone under centuries old is a kid for me."

"Maybe you're the one that is too old, hmm?"

"It's not oldness. I'm an ageless mass of chakra, sign of—Ah, don't even try to deviate us from the point of our conversation."

"Didn't even realise there was a point." Gohama made the most uninterested tone she could master, wary of whatever Seiryu was trying to say.

"I'm starting to understand why you like Kakashi." Her hand stopped their stroking motion.

"He killed my parents."

"It's cruel, isn't it?"

"Please, Seiryu, please… I don't want to talk about this."

"Just think things through, Gohama, and think them for yourself."

Her eyes opened to stare at the real sky and she raised herself into a sitting position, the roof tiles under her clanking at the movement. She was slightly appeased after apologising to Seiryu. She hadn't been nervous of apologising for itself, but of him not accepting it. But he had, so easily too.

The bitter weight of her discovery still swam through her chest, full in disillusion and betrayal. She had known the Kyura had their faults as any powerful ninja clan, but the existence of temporary vessels had such a cruel, dark tint to it that it had hit her with horror and disgust.

Right as she read the seal, Gohama had known whom her temporary vessel had been. Her cousin and teammate, Hiashi. He had been around constantly, but always distant, always with a level of servitude. Gohama had thought he didn't like her, which he certainly hadn't, and that had been why he had acted like that with her. She wished she could have seen through it, underneath the underneath – as Kakashi so eloquently said – she wished she could have helped somehow, instead of pushing him away because Hiashi had made her uncomfortable.

A long weary sigh left her lips like a puff of steam on the colder night, but it didn't alleviate the ache in her heart for Hiashi

Her parents had known of it, had welcomed cousin Hiashi in their home as if his life hadn't been chained to Gohama's, his death merged to her death. The sacrifice of her village had been out of selfish corrupt greed and not only the malice of Akatsuki or missing nin, not only the injustice of a bloodthirsty world, but because all of that poison had also run through Buki's streets.

And despite all, it didn't change things. Her path had been chosen a lifetime ago and her being still burned with the purpose of duty. Her weapon belonged still to Buki and the truth hadn't washed away her love, had only made it realer, alive. Love wasn't easy, love was surrender and promise and duty.

It surprised her to feel Kakashi's chakra signature creeping onto the roof. "You were right,"

Her eyebrows shot up at his admission, Hatake Kakashi had just admitted he had been wrong. With a side-glance she could only catch a fuzzy outline of him, the bright hair standing out.

"I don't know anything about the tailed beasts. Not even the Ju—Seiryu and in a weird way I spend every day around him…"

He sat behind her, but Gohama didn't turn around to look at him as she explained, "I wasn't trying to justify what the Kyubi did. I'm just trying to give him… a voice, I don't know…

"And I'm sorry about your sensei and his wife. They deserved to watch their son grow up and Konoha needed someone like him to lead it. Unfortunately life isn't kind to the kindest."

Gohama leaned back, head resting on her arms as she looked up at the sky. It was one of the few things in Bukigakure that hadn't changed, and if it had, only to become more vivid and beautiful without the lights. Every human thing had changed.

"This is what you were talking about, isn't it? The knowing your parents are just flawed normal people, for better and, in this case, for worse… and with an entire clan."

She cranked her neck to the side to look at him, his profile almost imperceptible in the night's darkness, but his chakra was there, strong and electrifying, as it spread around them and rested against her awareness.

Kakashi continued to stare up at the stars, answering with a silent nod. "I didn't want the image you had of your clan and family to change."

"It wasn't your place to protect it." Right as she finished the words, Gohama winced. She hadn't wanted it to come out so harshly. "This past month has been all about changing images and I've asked myself if maybe the truth isn't worth all this… pain and crumbling. Wondered if things would have been better if I had never known the truth about you, about Konoha, Hansuke… And they probably would have, but for me the truth is worth more than that."

"Again, a miserable way of living."

"Happiness is overrated anyway." Gohama added with a casual tone and shrug. "Aren't you going to contradict me?"

"What can I say to that?"

"I don't know… I once said this to Hansuke and he flipped. But it's Hansuke… so what could I expect? All he wants from people is happiness."

"And that's a bad thing…?" Kakashi asked with clear caution.

"It's a very foolish thing. What about you? What do you think of happiness, Kakashi?"

"That it's not for me."

"Ah, now that's the answer I'd expect from Hatake Kakashi. The man that takes the blame for every misfortune around him."

"You don't know that."

"But I do know. I've become an expert at recognising blame in that little spot of uncovered face."

Gohama turned around so she could crawl towards him. With one knee between his bent leg and outstretched one, she slid closer until her eyes were on level with his, her arm resting over his raised knee. The light was dim, but up-close his features were defined enough for her to distinguish them. His dark grey eye a mere stain of black ink. There was a flicker of something new and hidden in it, almost distracting her from what she had come searching for.

"Ah, there it is, the guilt. It's always there when you look at me."

"Can you blame me?" His tone was light and a little smug too, as he played with the word.

This time a genuine chuckle, relieving the tension swirling in her stomach, was forced up her chest. Gohama sat back on his shin, increasing the distance between them, but continued with her hand around his bent knee as her cheek rested on it too.

"Not really. But doesn't mean I have to like it."

"You should." Kakashi whispered and his fingers tugged lightly at the ends of her hair.

"I know." Gohama closed her eyes as tingles spread over her scalp. "I wish you'd stop." Without hesitation, his shy playing of her hair stopped. "Not that." She definitely didn't want that to stop, nor the warmth of his hard knee seeping into her cheek and of his leg onto her side. "The blaming. The guilt…"

* * *

Her feet stopped next to his, they stood shoulder to shoulder. Kakashi didn't move his low hanging head to acknowledge her, when he spoke. "I never thought I'd come back here."

In front of them where the gravestones of her family, withered wildflowers and offerings of sake and rice rested on the granite stone. Gohama wasn't expecting Kakashi to be there when she had come at her usual hour to replace the flowers and remember. After almost a month in Buki, he had never come to the memorial of the massacre. He had never strayed farther than the walls of her home's backyard.

"I hate seeing your name there." He breathed out.

Gohama's eyes settled on the carved stone. She had never considered how weird and unsettling it could be to have a grave meant for her while she was alive. Those feelings had never developed in her, but maybe they did in others. Graves weren't meant to be seen by the one buried, but the living.

"I like it. That nine year old girl died with her village." Then, she snorted at her own words. "It's very symbolic, very poetic."

"Did she? Do you think you'd have grown to be a completely different person?"

"I hope so… which is a sad thing to hope for really… and I used to think so, but now I'm not so sure." Her eyes wandered above her shoulder to the tiny slit of Buki rooftops behind them, with a sigh she turned to her carved name. "I've always seen my childhood as this idyllic bubble, a place where everything was best and could only continue to be best. But being here crumbled even the pieces from that time… and now I'm not so sure if things were as I think they were."

"I think that's normal. People tend to idealise their childhoods."

"Do you?"

Kakashi let out a bitter short chuckle. "Some short periods, I guess…"

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"Whatever it was that made you chuckle."

Gohama lowered herself to a crouch, laying a basket with newly picked flowers next to her, as she cleared the old ones from the gravestones. Her hand reached to rest a bouquet beside Father's name when Kakashi's gloved hand wrapped around her own. She looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

"Can I, um, maybe… leave them…?"

Her lips pursed in an attempt at containing the smile of delight for his clear sheepishness. Sheepish Kakashi was an amusing endearing sight. "Of course." She took a bouquet of white small flowers and laid them on Yukine's grave, while Kakashi did the same on Mother and Father's.

"I heard you were the one to receive the red mark." Gohama started as she stood up, and he nodded but kept his gaze on the graves. "I'm glad they had someone to do that for them… It's believed you carry them in you now."

Gohama wasn't sure if that was something Kakashi wanted to hear. Her wish a few nights ago had had no impact. Guilt exuded out of him as they stood before the memorial, him with his hands inside his pockets, slumped shoulders and head cast low.

So, it surprised her when he turned fully to face her, resolve showing through his eye. "Do you believe that?"

"I hope…" Gohama answered with hesitation for whatever thoughts were making Kakashi behave that way.

He took a step closer and his hand reached up towards her face with a clear movement so she wouldn't get surprised. The surprise was still there, swirling through her stomach, as she waited motionless and curious for him to do whatever he had set himself on doing.

Gohama felt his fingers first, tingly and warm, against the back of her neck, while his rough thumb settled on her jawline. She knew that way of holding someone's face well and it made the surprise that was churning in her stomach flurry in cold, hot swirls. Her eyes searched for any hint of what the hell was going on with Kakashi, but his face was a blank mask, which could only mean he wanted to hide what he was feeling.

She knew she should have stopped him, but there was something inside of her that wanted to see how far he would go, and maybe she would even get to see what he hid underneath the mask. Without any movement that would scare him way, Gohama waited for his face to lean into hers.

It never happened. Instead a finger of his other hand pressed onto her forehead, a rough calloused pad brushing the length of it. She didn't need to hear what he was speaking to finally understand what he was doing.

"May the deceased's mind protect and complement the living."

Kakashi drew another line from her forehead down to her chin. "May the deceased's eyes, nose and mouth protect and complement the living."

Gohama hadn't been prepared for the feel of his rough pad brushing over the soft sensitive skin of her lips, the touch shooting down her belly. Her lips parted as she let the lower one give under the weight of his finger. His eye was following the path he drew, but he didn't react in any way and it annoyed her.

Then, he continued down her neck, leaving a shiver behind, and her chest. "May the deceased's heart protect and complement the living." His finger remained where it pressed to her sternum, feeling the lively beat of her heat.

"May all past ancestors dwell in their living descendants. May the living descendants carry in them all their past ancestors. Through blood that bonds and name that lingers." And his finger fell away from her, while his other hand continued to hold her face in place.

And then finally, when his eye rose to meet hers, something escaped out of the blank mask he had set. The guilt was there as always, but also a warmth that seemed to jump out of him and reach right into her chest.

"It's all I can do, but I'm sure you carry them in you either way."

"Kakashi…" What could she answer to the caring gesture he had just done for her, to the attentive try at sharing with her what she hadn't lived through. "thank you."

"Don't." It came out harsh and his regret was clear without him speaking. "What I mean is—"

"I know what you mean, Kakashi." The only reason why he had been marked by her family and not Gohama was because he had killed them, but that didn't matter to her now, she would make sure it didn't. "I'm still grateful you did this for me."

And then, because the moment and that warmth in his eye were becoming too smothering to bear, Gohama added with a lighter tilt to her voice. "I thought you were going to kiss me, you know."

His hand pulled away from her face with lightning speed, leaving her hair to brush over her cheek.

"Maa…" Kakashi started, but that was all he did. His hand was already rubbing the back of his head, his eye curved in a smile, the blush spreading above his mask. There he was, sheepish flustered Kakashi. It would never fail to make her smile.

"Are you going to offer those flowers too?"

Her eyes turned to the basket as she let out a little chuckle. What an endearing attempt at changing the point of focus from him to anything else.

"Yes, but they're for other people." Gohama picked them up and turned to move away, noticing Kakashi's chakra signature continued rooted to where she had left him. She threw him a glance over her shoulder. "Aren't you coming?" For whatever reason she wanted him with her.

They stopped by her best friends' graves, Haku, Isune and Kunimaru, and her cousin Hiashi.

Minake Haku, from one of the founding clans of Bukigakure, had been one of the prodigies the village had set their hopes on. Everyone had admired him, especially the girls in his class, but that hadn't made him cocky, he had been too kind for that. Haku had wanted to be a Yukikage and had worked every day of his life for that. Now he was dead, his dream, his effort and his life vain.

Isune had been her first friend. Together they had skipped classes at the Academy to eat dango on some lost roof and spite Inoki sensei, while Isune drew and painted. Gohama had always been fascinated with her talent, her hands graceful and creative, so different from her own, made only to fight and kill. Isune had wanted to be a genin sensei, just as her mother, and Gohama had always thought she would have made the world better by being an artist. It didn't matter now, she was dead.

Kunimaru had been the funny one, who didn't take anything serious, and the sensei hadn't liked him for it. They hadn't known him for who he really was, he hadn't dreamed of anything and no one had dreamed for him. His parents had died when he was young. Gohama had tried to understand him, it was only ironic that she couldn't understand grief and loss back then. She had tried to show him that she was there for him. Only after the massacre could she truly understand his pain. And then he hadn't been there anymore…

Maybe that was the problem with the world. People only understood what was familiar to them.

There were times when he would become strangely quiet. His expression would fall, marked with two dark grey eyes lost on some point in front of him. The boy who had made her laugh had also made her heart squeeze.

Three kunai meant for her life had killed him. Gohama had watched him die because of her, or Seiryu, or whatever had made him sacrifice his life. Kunimaru hadn't said anything as his breathing rasped and the blood soaked his chest. He had just looked at her with the same eyes as Kakashi when she had had a chidori pointed to his heart, and that had stopped her from thrusting it through his ribs. Gohama hadn't had the time to mourn her friend. She had left his body in the middle of the rabble and had run away.

All she had done that night was run away while everyone around her died.

Gohama felt Kakashi's large hand on her shoulder as he squeezed softly. "How about we head back for a cup of tea?"

Her gaze moved up from Kunimaru's carved name to the richer blue of the sky peeking through the black pines of the park. It was much later than when she had first entered the memorial and through the long minutes, Kakashi had stayed with her. He had probably died of boredom and yet hadn't taken out his _Icha Icha_.

"I got a little lost there…" Gohama commented apologetically as her hand reached up to brush her forehead. Only then did she notice her fingers were shaking, as she stared at them in a confused daze.

His gloved hand slid down her shoulder to wrap around her own, pulling it gently. "Come on, it's getting chilly."

Her fingers weren't shaking because of that and they both knew it. There was a cold draft that showed off the cooling weather of early Snow's autumn, but the sun warmed the top of their heads and back.

Gohama let herself be dragged away and, when Kakashi was sure she would keep up with him, he let her wrist fall from his hand. They walked back side by side, her shoulder brushing through his arm. He told her to sit at the low table facing the backyard as he prepared the tea. One moment she was staring at the waving grass alone, the next there was a warm cup of tea between her hands and Kakashi sitting beside her.

The warmth in her stomach felt nice, but she really was craving the bite of whiskey down her throat. Gohama had kept herself away from alcohol, knowing of the disastrous hit it always dealt to her productivity, especially now that she was cramping years of training into weeks. But sometimes she just wanted to let go, allow everything to shove her down and herself to crumble, and then let the drinking come and numb.

When it was dark outside, Kakashi rested his hand on her wrist, he had taken off his gloves, to call her attention. Gohama stared down at his long fingers with raised knuckles and faint scars against her scar-less immaculate skin. It had been the same hand to hold her face at the memorial.

"I'm going to make dinner." His fingers tapped her before he stood up and Gohama watched as goose bumps spread through her forearm, mystified with her own reaction at such an ordinary touch.

Dinner was as silent as their afternoon had been. She wasn't hungry and, contrary to the tea, the food sat poorly on her stomach, but Gohama ate since Kakashi had taken the time and effort to cook for them. He was also the one to clean the plates and serve her another cup of tea.

"What did you want to be as a kid?" Gohama threw him a confused look at the random question after hours without talking. "You talked about your friends but said nothing about you."

"Feeling strangely curious, hmm, Copy-nin?"

"What if I am?"

Gohama shrugged. "You definitely haven't been acting like yourself for the past weeks."

"Maybe this is me."

"Maybe, but you hide under the mask so I can never know who you really are."

"Do you want to know?" He asked, his bored eye as aloof as always.

Her cheeks reddened at his question and she looked down at the cup, her hair falling to cover her profile. Gohama did want to know, she had wanted to know for years now, before Dazai's mission, before they had stopped talking to each other. She wasn't above the fascination surrounding the famous Hatake Kakashi with his mask, his hitai-ate, his _Icha Icha_, his distant careless way of being. It was why she always tried to get a rise out of him, she wanted to see what he hid behind all those walls.

"When I was a kid I wanted to be like my father." His voice was open and serious as he shared it. It ached her to know kid Kakashi had had such a common, childlike dream.

"Do you still want to?"

"It ended a little too soon. The learning parents are flawed people and all…" Kakashi explained with an eye-crease smile and dismissive wave of his hand. The masks was back up and Gohama wasn't going to force him to pull them back down again.

"Dreams are just illusions that end up crushing you even more."

"You're broody today." Kakashi commented with a teasing tone.

Gohama finally lifted her eyes to his, using the Copy-nin's own tricks against him with a cheeky copied comment. "Can you blame me?"

He chuckled softly, giving her one of his smiles, replying the same way she had a few days ago. "Not really. Doesn't mean I have to like it."

Gohama smiled as she looked back down at her tea. "I wanted to be a true Buki jinchuriki, to give my life to the Village. I was raised and trained for that, every day of my life."

"No, that was your duty as a jinchuriki. I'm asking about your childhood dream."

"My duty was my dream."

"Ah, so you never got to choose what to dream about."

"Do you actually choose? Doesn't it just grow one you by its own?"

"Maybe. But when you're a kid everyone says you can be anything. In your case, you could only be a jinchuriki."

Kakashi turned a heavy gaze on her, his dark eye dissecting every little detail of her profile. Gohama released her hair from behind her ear, so it could serve as a protecting barrier. What was he searching for? "Even now all you can be is a jinchuriki. Even when you're clearly much more than that, Gohama."

"Kakashi…" She hissed with the bite of a warning.

"What would you want to be if you weren't a ninja?"

The question surprised her. His light, hypothetical tone didn't match the effect it had on her. "I never thought about it."

"Think now."

That was a difficult thing to think about. Her heart had never meditated on another way of life, not even on another job. Even as a child, Gohama had always been a kunoichi, since before she could walk. There was no her without that.

"Being a farmer sounds like a nice life for me." Kakashi started sharing on his own. "My childhood home was surrounded by rice fields, sometimes I would help the workers as a kid. It's a tough life but when the crops turn out nice it's rewarding."

"You're too lazy to be a farmer. You'd never have time to read your books. Now, being a farmland scarecrow… Hatake no Kakashi." her sly tone matched the small smirk she gave him.

Kakashi shook his head in disappointment. "You have no creativity. I've heard that pun a million times."

Gohama chuckled. "It's still funny."

"I'm sure my parents named me just for the sake of a joke…"

"And I'm sure they were lovely people because of that."

"They were." He confirmed softly. "Have you thought about yours?"

"I seriously have no idea. What would you see me do?"

"Hmm." He turned to her fully, his scrutinising eye filled with amusement. "A scholar maybe."

"A scholar?" It was a little offensive. "What a boring life."

"Aren't you an autodidact in fuinjutsu?"

"Yes, but it's different."

"How is it different?"

Because it was out of an obsession with failing against Dazai's seals and to keep her bored and fearful mind busy on insomniac nights. "It wasn't for the love of knowledge and some honourable thing like that. It was out of necessity."

"But you value truth. That's an essential thing as a scholar."

"Truth doesn't have to be just inside books, you know. There's nature and art and all that pretentious shit."

"Hmm, don't tell me you have some philosophical poems hidden somewhere, Kyura Gohama."

"I'm not that pretentious…" Gohama whined with a smile as she pushed his shoulder. "But I do know how to play the koto."

"You do?"

"I used to, at least. It was an obligatory class for the proper, perfect children of the main families, something about precision, excellence and beauty." Gohama could now see how the clan hid their own moral corruption through decorum, art and honour. "So, typical. Most of my close family knew how to play at least one instrument."

"Did you like playing it?"

"I did." Before Kakashi could open his mouth again, Gohama added, "And no I won't play for you." She wouldn't play that instrument ever again. Not when she had done it so many times on the engawa before them, on cold winter mornings at the frail light of a clear sky, or cool fine afternoons, the smell of new rain thick in the air.

Father used to make the strings cry and laugh, whisper the secrets of the world, with his skilful fingers, the same that held a weapon to kill. Gohama was being bitter, but the resentment at what she had found out was still sharp in her guts. She had loved earing Father play the koto and Mother sing.

Mother used to sing a lot throughout the house. Humming always escaped under the thin doors of her study, or the garden as she helped their old gardener, Mimura-san, water the plants, pull out the weeds, and prune the lower bushes.

The wide and lush garden had been Mother's pride. Just as Monk Yamato was with his roses. Every year she and Mimura-san had fought the harshness of Snow's weather, planting back the flora from the greenhouse on the enriched earth outside. Throughout late spring to early autumn she would organise outdoor recitals, where the colourful beauty of the garden mixed with the rich melancholy of traditional music. Gohama had loved them, everyone loved them.

Now the garden felt as dead as Mother. Wild weeds thrived through the old grass in a chaotic mess that Gohama had had to trim. The pond had drained out probably years ago, leaving only the remains of murky soil and carved out paths, which she had flattened with earth release for her training. It was nothing but a bleak, stepped on lawn for training. It would have made Mother miserable to see it now, not that she would, but still Gohama could feel Mother's misery in herself.

Gohama had loved nurturing the small patch of soil that was her own to help grow, with her small watering can and her tiny hands pulling out the weeds. Bellflowers and blue hydrangeas. Only now did she realise Mimura-san had probably taken proper care of them when she wasn't watching. They had always been too healthy and vibrant for Gohama's sloppy, childish hands.

She smiled a sad smile at the memories, at the new unreal image of herself breaking from the barren backyard in front of them. "I would be a gardener." Gohama told him softly, or maybe it had been to Mother.


	47. V - Chapter 7

Part V | Chapter 7

* * *

"Give me your stomach."

"I'm afraid I need it to live."

"All the more reason, don't you think, Kakashi." Gohama answered with a sweet smile. He walked to stand in front of her, half a step in distance, so that she had to crank her neck up to look at him. "I'm going to manipulate your chakra. Focus on being aware of how I move it and how I make it dormant and hide it."

Her palm pressed onto the spot above his bellybutton and she felt his muscles twitch and chakra spike. It was obvious Kakashi didn't like when people invaded his personal space. Gohama could more than sympathise with that.

With only his fitted shirt underneath his flak jacket, she could send thin threads of chakra through the fabric and inside his chakra points. Her eyes closed automatically as she moved her energy slowly and clearly through his pathways, avoiding clashes against his own as it circled around.

First she moved towards the tips of his fingers and toes. Every movement deliberate and showcased. "Notice how I try to wash your chakra towards your core. But there is always some remaining, so I spread it around until it's lost against the natural chakra of your surroundings. It's important that you leave this chakra behind, so there isn't just a blank spot where you should be. The trick is to merge yourself with your surroundings."

Gohama stopped her chakra inside of him. When she opened her eyes to talk to him, she found his grey eye boring into her face and a crease between his eyebrows. For some reason it made her blush a little. "Try it in your dominant hand first."

Now it was Kakashi's time to close his eyes, his brow creasing deeper in concentration. It came easy for him. His lightning techniques already asked of him to have great chakra control in his hands. "The other one and feet."

Slowly her chakra awareness was losing sight of these parts of Kakashi. "Brush the accumulated chakra towards your core, without forgetting to leave some behind. Especially around your organs."

Again his legs and arms were easy, but he faltered when he reached multitude of intricate and less controlled pathways of his torso. After long minutes, he made a sound between a sigh and a growl. Gohama pressed her hand back onto his stomach and pushed more of her chakra so she could guide his own. Kakashi twitched, his chakra spiked and fluttered, losing most of his progress.

She winced under his glare. "Should have warned you. My bad." He growled again and took a little step into her personal space. She put her hands against his chest, so he wouldn't walk any farther. "I was trying to help, if that means anything. It's not really my fault that you're so twitchy."

"Twitchy, hmm?"

His hand scooped both her wrists in his hold, while the other pressed to her stomach. His chakra shoved through her pathways and she gasped. It was incredible intrusive and it also made her own chakra frenzy when they blended, making it difficult to control. All her skin broke with goose bumps and shudders. It was one thing to feel the tickling in her skin, another for Kakashi's powerful chakra to rub through her inside, making all of her tingle.

Gohama whimpered and stared wide eyed at his cocky face. It didn't feel bad, it felt amazing, a dangerous type of amazing.

Before she could let her mind absorb that thought completely, she manipulated her chakra to push his electric one out of her body. Gohama's face was burning up when the sensation of having Kakashi's energy inside of her finally vanished, her muscles still shuddering.

Kakashi crossed his arms and looked down at her with an infuriatingly cocky raised eyebrow. "I guess I'm not the only twitchy one."

"I admit that it feels a little… weird… and intrusive… but—"

"A little? You're all flustered, Gohama."

Her head turned slightly to the side as she wrapped her arms around herself to control the small tremors still lingering in her body. "I'm not flustered, I'm uncomfortable, it's different."

"Your hair isn't going to hide that raging blush." He joked while his hand pulled her front tresses back.

Before he could actually touch them, Gohama swatted his hand. It didn't dissuade his teasing, with a step forward, and a mirroring step back from her, he leaned down to near his mouth to her ear. "Does my chakra inside of you make you blush, Gohama?"

She crushed her eyes closed at the low rough timber of his voice. Kakashi was winning. He never won when they did these little things, he could never go as far as she was willing to go. His daring today only worked in his favour by surprising her. She was flustered, how could she not be when his chakra felt like that? The possibilities… Her eyes widened and barred whatever thoughts and ideas could come down that dangerous road.

Before he could pull away from her, his victory exuding out of him, Gohama grabbed the collar of his flak jacket drawing him even closer to her. Her face turned until his was flush to his masked one, her lips the ghost of a touch on his ear. "There's another thing of yours that would make me blush even more."

There it was. Gohama had come to recognise the way his chakra reacted whenever she did or said something that affected him. "Mm, what is it?" Why did he have to sound so nice?

"You're focus." She pushed him away from her with a rough shove. "Now shut up and start again."

* * *

"Three meters behind." Gohama said as she stayed put in the middle of the backyard, her eyes closed, senses sharp to any Kakashi-shaped change in her surroundings. "Left, Right. Behind again. Nine meters now." She described as his signatures jumped from position to position around her. "It's your butt. Can still sense it."

"Then it's not my butt."

"Your lap. Maybe a bit on the shoulder blade."

"Now?" His voice sounded from behind her, but Gohama couldn't sense him. He chuckled the same cocky and dangerous tilt as he realised that too.

Then he moved and his movement made distortions appear in the chakra around them. "You're moving. Don't forget about merging with the surroundings."

He was gone again. "Now." His voice sounded from a different position and Gohama hadn't felt him move.

Her stomach coiled with the foreign, exciting feeling of not knowing where someone was, of not knowing where they would appear next, where Kakashi's low, languid tone would sound again. It felt as if it had been hours that she was standing in the middle of the backyard, her muscles tight as a spring ready to snap, her eyes closed.

The hairs at the back of her neck stood up and a shiver ran down her spine when she felt warmth seep into her back. "Behind." She whispered. The warmth left and she waited until it came back.

It was on her right side, closer than earlier, close enough that she could feel Kakashi's breath tingle the skin of her temple, then her cheek and later her ear. "Now." Danger whispered in his voice.

"Left." Gohama answered steadily.

Kakashi corrected her by taking a step closer, until the front of his flak jacket was touching her side, and letting out his chakra freely. Even through the layers of clothing and flesh between them, it meddled with her own. "Right." She breathed.

The next time he appeared it was in front of her. The closest he had been. Instead of speaking Gohama opened her eyes, but he was using a concealment jutsu. Her hand reached tentatively to touch him where she supposed his face would be and found his jaw. Under her palm, his bone clenched shut and his chakra fluttered through her skin.

His rushing heartbeat thundered through her fingers. Gohama's thumb dragged over the edge of his mask and a silent breath fanned across her face. A tentative hand slid inside her haori and hovered above her hip, light fingertips resting weightless over the fabric of her shorts. Then his palm pressed to her, warm and tingly, giving her a little push into him until her chest touched his.

Gohama raised herself on her tiptoes, her head tilted back so her mouth could reach his ear again. Her fingers glided from his jaw until they was grasping the small hairs of his nape. "Front."

His fingers tightened around her flesh and then he was gone from under her hand, his chakra still ringing in her awareness. He appeared large steps away, usual slouch in his frame.

"I got it now." He gave her a hesitant thumbs up.

"Did you just give me a thumbs up?"

"Yes. Is there a problem with my thumb?" Kakashi asked dryly as he turned his hand to look at it.

"Nothing, it's just that Gai does the same when we finish sparring. It's been only a month and you're already showing signs of withdrawal." Her lips spread into a sweet, merciless smile. "I can dress in a leotard for our next taijutsu training if you want to."

His eye glided up and down her figure, until it finally settled on her face. In his flustered state, Kakashi couldn't even find a weak comeback to her teasing. All he could do was stare at her, as if still trying to understand her words, his thumb still stretching out of his fist.

"Thanks for the lesson, Gohama." His fingers waved in his typical gesture and he disappeared again in a puff of smoke.

Once he was gone, Gohama's muscles sagged, her heart still lively inside her ribs. She had won again, but more than victory there was disappointment in her chest. It all washed away with the realisation that the disappointed was because she had wanted it to become more than a stupid flirting contest. More with Hatake Kakashi, more with the ANBU that had assassinated her parents.

Her legs gave out and she fell onto her bottom, elbows supported on her knees as she brushed her hands through her hair. What the fuck was she doing?

* * *

Pakkun's nails clanked on the wood of the engawa as he came to sit on Kakashi's lap. He started brushing the fur around his ears obliviously, as he watched the rest of his pack playing around with Gohama, an odd version of tag that mostly implied tackling her around.

"She has a nice smile." Pakkun commented in a gruff tone and it made Kakashi realise he had been smiling. How could he not be when she was letting out gleaming carefree laughs that seemed to bubble in his chest? "I can see why you like her. Even Bull likes her."

"Of course, he does, she pets him and gives him fresh game meat."

"Still, I thought he'd side with me on this one." His ninken grumbled and his eyes narrowed at the cheerful sight of the pack and Gohama, which only made him look more adorable.

"You used to like her."

"She hadn't turned you into almost a missing nin then."

"I'm here because I want to be here."

Kakashi had wondered why he had wanted to come there before, and it seemed so difficult to answer then, but not anymore. He wanted to be there because he cared about Gohama, because that hollow gaze after Tsukate's death had made his entire soul shake. The burning need to be there for her had come before anything else. It wasn't just compassion, it was something that bloomed deeper and entrenched through and in every crevasse, plane and hole of him. Something he couldn't name, not yet at least.

Gohama had become his priority. Kakashi wouldn't defect for her, but he would walk around the edge, especially because he could, Tsunade wouldn't question his loyalty. His loyalty to Konoha wasn't questionable.

"What does she give you?"

"It's not like that." Kakashi answered harshly at the insinuation of Pakkun. Especially because the ninken knew it wasn't true, becoming intimate with someone was always something that seeped into the person's scent. He had only meant it as a cruel jab at Gohama's character.

"Then what the hell are you doing?"

"Helping Gohama train."

"Does the Hokage even know where you are?"

"We just a need one more week."

"There's no we in this, Kakashi."

"Pakkun, you're my ninken." Kakashi hissed as his hand left his fur and fisted beside his leg. "I tell you what to do, not the other way around."

"I just don't want to see you get hurt."

Kakashi opened his book, making sure the pages covered the sight of Pakkun on his lap. His mood was ruined, why did the nosy ninken have to ruin his mood? Yesterday Kakashi had spent his emotional energy on feeling guilty about letting his restraint fall for a small moment. Summoning the pack had been an attempt at shedding himself of his brooding and maybe helping dissipate the awkward tension between him and Gohama.

It had worked, Gohama was laughing and Kakashi was smiling and now Pakkun had to bring up how wrong that was, how absurd and uncertain their circumstances were. How cruel…

"Are you going to sulk?" Pakkun asked as his paws supported his raised position on Kakashi's chest, his snout trying to move the book away so Kakashi could see his puppy-eyed expression. "I shouldn't have offended her, I know she's important to you. I'm worried, it's just… you're not really acting very Kakashi-like."

"Have you ever thought that maybe this is me? Maybe it's the first time I've finally..."

"I know that, Kakashi. I've known you since you were a pup and if it was any other circumstance… It may be the first time, but it doesn't mean it's the right time."

Kakashi lowered the book to look down at the honest concerned eyes of his dear ninken. "Pakkun, I—"

His spine stiffened at the feel of two familiar chakra signatures as they breeched the protective barrier Gohama had raised around Buki. He looked at her right away and she was already looking back.

"They're…" Gohama started as she stared wide-eyed towards Kakashi.

"Hoshigaki Kisame and Uchiha Itachi."

"The Akatsuki that killed Uncle."

Kakashi jumped from the engawa at her deadly tone, her fingers curled into shaking fists at her side, as her chakra spread, solid and lethal, like a cloud of poisonous smoke. His pack stared at Gohama, their tails lowered and still, not knowing how to react at such a cruel aura.

He stopped right in front of her, grasping onto her upper arm harshly to bring her out of the killing haze. "Gohama, I know it's… hard. But I need you to keep your head cool. Today isn't just about revenge, it's about stopping them from getting Seiryu, from getting you."

"All I can see is Uncle and… and them throwing his body as if he was nothing…"

Her chakra wavered and it exuded not only killing intent, but a dark smothering grief that made Kakashi's throat clamp up. He clenched his teeth, trying to force himself into thinking and not getting consumed by her overwhelming energy.

"I'm going to use the card." He told her softly and she finally raised her head with a confused expression. "You know Tsukate wouldn't want you to fight for revenge over his death. He'd want you most of all to worry about your safety, Gohama."

Gohama just stared, unmoving and his trepidation grew, as he waited for her to slash out at him. Her head shook softly, the corners of her lips upturning into the start of a smile and the smothering atmosphere eased. "You sly bastard. You know how well that card works on me."

Kakashi let out a long breath as Gohama pulled away and turned her back on him. She tilted her head back, her short dark hair reaching her shoulder blades, as her frame heaved with deep breaths, her chakra receding. When she was calm again, or at least in control, Gohama twirled on her feet, the rage from before giving place to determination.

"Here." Gohama pushed a piece of sealed paper into his hand. "Put a little bit of chakra into that."

Kakashi left his hand extended, an eyebrow quirked up as he examined the swirls and characters written on the paper. He couldn't understand them, they were Kyura sealing language. "Are you trying to blow me up?"

"I wouldn't be standing next to you if I were. But it's better if you don't give me any ideas, Kakashi." Kakashi continued to stare at her, waiting for an explanation. Trust didn't mean one could blindly push chakra into a foreign fuinjutsu tag. "It releases a protective chakra dome. Your chakra needs to be in it so you can activate it and enter it, like my locking seals."

"This is useful." He quipped while saving it in his back pouch. "When did you come up with it?"

"Before leaving Konoha. Jiraiya helped me stabilise it, so don't worry about blowing up."

His eyebrows raised at the sannin's name. "You two know each other?"

"We do. He even invited me join him on his intel gathering travels, but I guess that won't happen anymore."

"You were going to accept it?"

"How could I not accept it? Partnering up with a sannin against Akatsuki, it was the best breakthrough I had in years."

She had been planning to leave Konoha before any of this mess happened, before she was forced to never come back. Did her team knew she would leave them either way? "And your team?"

Gohama's deadly piercing glare answered when her words didn't. They hadn't know, probably not even Hansuke. She was challenging him to dare continue down that dangerous path of conversation. He didn't dare, not because he was scared she would hurt him, well, maybe a little, but because it was clear Gohama suffered from the way things had worked out for her team. There was no reason to taunt that, especially not before a difficult battle.

"But now I'm a missing-nin and an enemy of Konoha, only someone as fucked as you would fraternise with me. You're more fucked up than the author of _Icha Icha, _a man that practically speaks like a kabuki theatre character. That's a little worrying."

And with those jabs at him that didn't hold any actual spite behind, the vulnerability was pushed away from herself and her focus returned to the battle.

* * *

"Fuck, he's gorgeous." Gohama breathed out as she and Kakashi watched their adversaries from a high hidden point. The akatsuki were just standing, waiting for them to show up, certainly already aware of their position.

"It's the gills right?"

"Mm, and those sexy beady eyes."

"Maa, Gohama, it's not really practical to fall for the enemies that want you dead."

"I can be sad about the loss of a pretty face."

"Just no challenging eye gazing, remember what I told you about the Tsukuyomi."

"But they're so pretty..." There was a heavy mocking tone to their conversation, but Gohama wasn't lying. Itachi had the most gorgeous eyes she had ever seen, even more beautiful than Hansuke's hazel ones.

"It's really getting to you, huh?"

"A powerful dangerous boy with pretty and deadly eyes…what's not to like? There's just one downside."

"Don't tell me the fact that he's here to kidnap you is a turn off."

"Oh no, it's not that…" His unimpressed look had an edge that still asked her to continue. She pinned him with one of her teasing smirks. "You should know by now that I'm into older men, Kakashi."

Without answering in any way, he turned his eye back to their enemies. "The sword absorbs chakra. Don't let it touch you. And…"

"…don't let you get killed and don't let myself get caught."

"Something like that."

"Don't worry, Copy-nin. I wouldn't let others do my dirty work. You're mine." She let the last phrase roll through tongue like a purr.

"Quoting _Icha Icha_, now, are we?"

She threw him an over-the-top seductive look and his own words back. "Something like that."

"This is the time to get serious, Gohama."

Gohama had tried to take the tense edge out of Kakashi with her playful teasing, but his muscles were still tight as springs ready to snap and the crease between his brows wouldn't smooth down. It was understandable, from what he had shared of the power and devastation Itachi's mangekyo sharingan held, but it left her uneasy to feel Kakashi, the Konoha shinobi best known for his nonchalance in battle, so apprehensive.

"I can fight him, or at least you don't need to fight the Tsukuyomi alone, Kakashi."

"No. It's okay. I just need you to promise me that if you have to run, you run, Gohama."

"You know I can't promise you that, Kakashi. I won't run. Not anymore."

"If they capture you, you're d—" His masked lips pressed into a thin line. "You're a liability."

The word sent a pang right through her heart. "Of course…"

She shifted on her feet, ready to jump down to meet their enemies, who were patiently waiting for them to join them, but Kakashi held onto her arm.

"Gohama." It took him a little pull at her arm, for her to turn back to face him. His eye bore into her own with the sharpness of battle, and the intensity coiling in it made her blush. "I won't let them take you."

Was Kakashi trying to ease her or ease himself? "Don't promise what you can't keep."

"As long as I'm alive, they won't take you." His hand brushed up her arm to rest on the curve where her neck met her shoulder. Kakashi clenched his jaw and with a frown turned his eye to look over her head. "Seiryu, if you're listening, don't let her do anything stu..."

Gohama flickered away before he could finish, standing right before Kisame and Uchiha Itachi. Kakashi appeared behind her, whispering a quiet, "What did I say about doing stupid things?"

She ignored him, her stare intent on the two ninja standing before her. Her hands closed into tight fists, nails biting into her skin, as she tried to keep her head cool. Just the sight of those black and red cloaks made her blood boil and her chakra rage.

Her skin prickled with the weight of Itachi's gaze. His sharingan eyes bore into them, and even if Gohama wasn't looking back, she could feel them dissecting every little millimetre of her body, shedding away the skin and walls, leaving her open and known. She fought the need to cross her arms and shrink, a futile attempt at hiding.

"We have no interest in you, Kakashi-san. There is no need for you to die." His voice was smooth and deep, perfect for narrations of long poems, and whispered sweet nothings into a lover's ear. Inwardly Gohama chuckled at the weird association her mind had made.

"Maa, that just wounds my pride, Itachi. Is that the way to greet your former taichou?"

Itachi's hand slipped from the high collar of the Akatsuki cloak, one by one he plucked the buttons, the quiet sound stretching between the four of them, until he had enough space to pull one arm out, just one arm.

"There are better ways, yes, Kakashi-san."

Only when it was too late did Gohama see the movement of his fingers, as they held onto a kunai. But the sudden spike of his chakra that accompanied it didn't add up. Had the kunai been a diversion and if so, where was the jutsu coming from? She was ready to jump away when something hit her from the side and two strong arms held her to a chest. As Kakashi pulled her out of the way, Gohama watched the gust of slicing wind hit the spot where she had stood before.

Fuck. Itachi was fast, the fastest she had ever seen.

"Get away from here." Kakashi whispered against her ear, as they flew.

When they landed, his hold didn't loosen and Gohama was straining to rest the tip of her toes on the ground. "I'm not ru—"

"No. Take Kisame and fight him somewhere else." His lips were pressed to her ear, probably so Itachi's sharingan wouldn't read what he was saying. Feeling the hesitation in her muscles, he continued. "Come back me up, after you kill him."

The confidence in his voice as he looked down at Gohama fluttered through her. He put her down gently, both his eyes glued to her own, black tomoe swirling through red, but it didn't unease her. It was the first time after her freak out that he was letting her look at his sharingan outside a spar. "Come back to me."

Then, he turned around to face their enemies and Gohama stared at his back. She was going to ignore whatever that had just been and whatever that had stirred inside of her in favour of focussing on the battle and keeping a keen sharp mind.

The idea of leaving him to fight Itachi alone made dread freeze in her veins, but she understood why he needed it. He would have less elements to take in with his sharingan and could focus only on Itachi.

"Gohama." At Kakashi's order, she was moving.

In an instant, she was standing before Kisame. His massive sword came down on her and she stopped it with her tanto. Her other hand held onto Kisame's arm and she smiled up at him, sweet and merciless. "Hello."

Then, they were flickering away from Kakashi and Itachi.

"Ah, so you decided to fight us apart." Kisame commented with a dragged shrill voice. "Kyura Gohama. Your name has been around the mouths of the world for some time now. Heard you cut Dazai Kenta's dick off."

"Maybe I'll do the same to yours, hmm?" She taunted as her arm extended in front of her, tachi straight and shining as it pointed towards him.

Kisame smirked, and with a lazy movement, he pulled his massive sword from his back and let it fall onto the ground between them. It hit with a loud thud, cracking the soil and lifting up dust. And then they were fighting.

His blows were deadly and Gohama chose evading over blocking. She tried hitting him with her chakra when she thought there was an opening, but he was fast and a master at handling the wrapped sword. Every time it absorbed her chakra it only grew bigger, stronger.

The bindings around it fell, revealing grey prongs on its surface, meant to rip not cut. Kisame exploited one of her openings and Gohama wasn't fast enough at evading. The sword scrapped through her skin and caught there. He smirked again, shark teeth shining with victory, before he pulled the blade away with a rough jerk.

Gohama groaned as her skin was torn and had only time to jump away before the word was falling onto the spot she had been before. Propping herself on the hilt of her tachi, she fought through the haziness of pain, trying to get her bearings after a hard blow, trying to figure out a way of winning. Kisame was superior in kenjutsu and any ninjutsu she used would get sucked up by that sword. Her only option was to take the fucking thing away from him.

Her moment for catching her breath didn't last long, before he was attacking her again. Gohama winced every time she twisted her torso, her wound opening with shots of pain and wet warm blood running down her back.

Holding herself up blow after blow, Gohama waited for an opening. She didn't even have time to think when she saw it. In her other hand was already a tanto and she drove it down into the crook of his neck. Kisame noticed it on time, evading her attack, and still the blade stabbed deep into his shoulder. His hold on his sword faltered and Gohama pushed a wave of chakra from her hand onto his stomach.

The attack shoved him through the air and he stumbled across the ground before finally stopping. Gohama cursed inwardly as she saw his fingers still tightly closed around the handle of his sword. The wound on his stomach closed and the sword shrank as he used the chakra inside it to heal himself.

"Suiro Sameodori no Jutsu." He hissed and after a massive surge of chakra, everything around them was plunged into water, including herself.

Right away, Gohama started swimming in an attempt to reach the edge of the water prison. Kisame had the advantage on water and if he caught up to her, the battle would easily tilt to his side. She glanced over her shoulder to the shadow advancing towards her and realised he had morphed into a shark. Summoning a cloak of Seiryu's chakra, she used it for powering up her strokes.

"_The water is moving, kiddo_." Seiryu warned, urgency clear in his voice.

Gohama looked down, the blurry reliefs of ground shifting as she swam. The mass of water moved as she did, preventing her from reaching the edge. A glance behind her showed that Kisame was nearing her fast. She put all her energy into long hard strokes, now moving upwards, panic rioting inside her stomach, but she didn't let it consume her, continuing her steady chakra powered movements.

Her lungs were starting to ache and her muscles to burn from the lack of oxygen. The water was becoming more transparent as she reached the top, her hand extended for the cool unsmothering feel of air. Just as her fingers had broken out of the surface, a hand grabbed onto her ankle, instantly absorbing her chakra.

It didn't matter, with a chakra laden hand she pushed herself up and away from the water prison, her mouth wide as she took in much needed air. Kisame still grasped tightly to her leg. Gohama pulled out a kunai and pierced his hand, when the grip didn't loosen, she worked on slicing through his wrist until he let go.

Once free, Gohama ran across the surface, Kisame following her underneath. His hold had taken a bit too much of her chakra, but at least he hadn't caught her inside the water. If he had, she would have been almost dead now.

Gohama flickered to the centre of the dome, sure that Kisame wouldn't reach her right away. With quick fingers, she formed the needed hand seals and pressed her palm to the surface of the water. A wave of mud spread through the edge of the water and inside, filling most of it. Gohama jumped and, using a stream of fire, dried the mud into a thick block of earth.

Kisame's chakra signature continued to shine in her awareness. It was a shame he hadn't died buried with his freaky sword.

Both jutsu wasted heavy amounts of chakra and her knees faltered at the sudden effort, chest heaving with quick breaths. Gohama still had almost half her reserves and Seiryu's chakra, so it wouldn't cripple her, as long as she had time to catch her breath before the next attack or defence. From her high position, she could see Itachi and Kakashi's fight, the tightness in her heart easing at the sight of him alive.

The earth under her knees trembled when Kisame dispelled his jutsu and Gohama was forced to jump onto one of the still standing Buki buildings. He emerged from under the ruins of rocks, metamorphosing back to his normal form, sword in hand. It made her realise that he had merge with that thing.

He extended it upwards to point at her. "Fighting water with earth. Smart. But I still got a good amount of your Kyura chakra. Samehada is very glad." To show his words, the sword opened her mouth, sharp shark like teeth glistering with the light.

"That's an unoriginal name."

"We'll see how unoriginal it is when I rip your flesh with shark skin. Just as I did with your uncle."

Gohama summoned her tachi, chakra exploding with killing intent she didn't even try to control. In an impulsive push of her feet, she jumped towards him, and he met her halfway.

"_Control your chakra, kiddo." _Seiryu hissed._ "Remember the not doing anything stupid." _

She was evading direct contact with the sword, but her raging state let her energy seep through her pressure points into the air around her, leaving it free for the taking. With a furious shout, Gohama jumped away, her hand biting onto the handle, as she tried to pull herself together. Kisame laughed and it prickled every inch of her skin. Her brow furrowed, but she forced deep calming breaths in and out of her lungs.

"It didn't even take us two minutes to defeat dear old uncle." Kisame taunted.

"_Abstract yourself, Gohama. He wants you to lose control." _

"_I fucking know, lizard, doesn't mean it's easy."_

"Was he really a Kyura? Maybe all Kyura were that weak. It would explain why they fell so easily. In one single night, no more Bukigakure."

"I'll fucking kill you." Gohama hissed towards Kisame. _"I need to take that sword off of him. And I think I know how, just need to hold myself in kenjutsu until there's an opening. Care to help?"_

"_My keen observation skills are all yours, kiddo."_

She ran towards her enemy, the fury from before giving place to resolve. They started the same ruthless kenjutsu battle, Seiryu helping her evade the sword. Her arms, even with the help of her chakra, ached from blocking the powerful blows Kisame threw at her, the trembles of her blade following through her muscles. She was growing tired, a heavy layer of sweat soaking through her clothes and hair, almost too tired to keep this type of fight, but then an opening showed.

Gohama pushed a heavy layer of chakra to cover her blade. She could hear Kisame's mocking laugh at her useless gesture. He swung his sword and, instead of parrying the blow with her tachi, Gohama jumped. As she fell, the tip of the blade pointing down, she watched it pierce through the grey scales, her chakra being absorbing instantly. Still, she continued to pierce, pouring more chakra into the blade and more chakra into her hands, tight around the hilt. The sword shrieked as she stabbed deeper, and Gohama felt it vibrate through her hands, felt the pull of Kisame, trying to free his sword.

A smirk stretched through her lips when she felt her blade sink deep into the soil, Kisame's sword was trapped. Gohama crouched on the hilt of her tachi, blazing eyes staring at beady ones.

"_Seiryu, you're fun is about to begin."_

Her core ignited with the burning overwhelming chakra of a biju, every cell of her body sharp and furious. It spread through her pathways in an instant, the sudden shock wave of energy making Kisame jump away from the impact. Gohama summoned nine more swords, stabbing into Samehada so it wouldn't break free while she fought Kisame.

Without his sword, it was if he had lost his drive. Gohama didn't let her mind linger on it, more than glad that the battle had eased immensely. Soon he was slumped on the ground, his pale blue chest heaving up and down with the sound of wet breaths. His Akatsuki cloak was ruined somewhere and it left him bare for her, the muscles wrapping around his ribs showing her exactly where his heart beat.

"Your heart for killing Uncle."

Covering her hand with chakra, Gohama pushed her fingers through soft flesh and hard bone, the putrid stink of burnt skin making her eyes sting. She wrapped her hand around his still beating heart and crushed it, the muscle spilling between her fingers. His eyes glazed with the blank stare of death.

She stood up, cleaning her hand on her pants. After a quick moment to pull herself together, she was running towards Kakashi. The wide space where they were fighting wasn't nearly as wrecked as hers and Kisame had been when she had left it. Her heart stopped at the sight of blood drops staining the white stone and making a path towards Kakashi. The levels of his chakra, quiet as it whispered in her senses, didn't help her fight the dread.

"Gohama…" Kakashi whispered when his eyes fell onto her, his legs giving out under him.

Before he could fall to the ground, Gohama was already running and catching him in her arms. "I had to come save your sorry ass."

"You look pretty…" He whispered in a faded voice, a hand trying to reach for her face.

"You're in that much pain, Kakashi."

He watched her through semi-closed eyelids until they became too heavy and he blacked out, the frail hold he hand on her arm loosening. She cradled him against her chest, taking careful steps towards the edge of a clearing, where she laid him.

Sharp eyes lifted from Kakashi's pale face to stare at Itachi. "Did you use the Tsukuyomi on him?"

"His spirit will mend." Gohama's guts clenched with his confirmation. "There are better strengths than medical chakra for repairing the spirit."

"Such as?"

"You don't need to concern yourself with that." Gohama was ready to demand an explanation. "It's already mending."

With one last glance at the man laying at her knees and a quiet caress to his masked face, Gohama flickered. She drew out her tachi, extending it to him, her green gaze not leaving his lethal beautiful one.

"_Seiryu, if he catches me inside a genjutsu, spike your chakra to free me."_

"_Already planning on it, kiddo."_

There was a deep curiosity in her for Uchiha Itachi. As she watched his gentle face with pensive eyes, the expression echoing the one Uncle had had during his long melancholic walks on the monastery's garden, her certainty solidified. He wasn't a cold blooded killer, Kakashi would have been dead already had he been one. Itachi was a man with a heavy burden. A burden he had taken because someone had had take it. Just as Uncle. Two good man with good intentions in a world made of poison and death.

And Sasuke… Gohama had never met the Uchiha boy, but since the first time she had come to Konoha, his image lingered where she stepped and his destiny seemed marked into her own, as a mirror of great corrupting and decaying powers. Uchiha and Kyura, allied clans. It was only mockingly fitting that they would be allies in death too.

"I won't fight you, Itachi. You may have killed my uncle, but your death belongs to Sasuke."

"Are you trying to challenge me into capturing you without a fight, Gohama-san?"

"You don't care about me. You sensed us that day when you killed Uncle."

"You're full of illusions, Gohama-san."

"We share the same fault then, Itachi. The boy who massacres for peace, the biggest illusion in the ninja world."

Understanding the implication of her words, he caught her in a genjutsu, the scenery around her turning different shades of grey and red, but it didn't last long. Gohama felt the surge of Seiryu's chakra immediately, as it disrupted her own flow and brought her mind back to the real word.

"I'm a jinchuriki. Those don't work when the biju chakra can pull me out of them. I won't leak the information. It's not mine to share, it's yours."

"I don't know what this information is, Gohama-san."

"Of course, you don't…" Gohama expelled with a little chuckle. "I'm sure neither does Konoha, right?"

His expression was drawn in unmoving stone, but Gohama pressed on. Somehow, she felt that she owed it to the two brothers and to Kakashi to share her own understanding and maybe ease Sasuke's pain. It had always been clear to her how deeply Kakashi cared about the Uchiha boy, even after he left a hole in his team when he defected.

"I know how it is to be Sasuke. My uncle, the man you killed, betrayed Buki so he could stop the coup d'état. You should tell your brother the truth before you let him kill you. Sasuke deserves to know the truth from you, Itachi."

"So many illusions, Gohama-san." He spoke in his even smooth timbre, but there was a hint of amusement behind it. "You should have focussed your competence on genjutsu."

"Still, would never beat those dangerous pretty eyes of yours."

He stared, his eyes black as crows, and still they held the same uncomfortable scrutinising edge as the sharingan. When he was satisfied with the information he had taken from her pose, he spoke. "There are superior eyes to mine, eyes that can cover the whole world in illusion. Akatsuki can't be stopped alone, Gohama-san."

He finished his foreboding words and turned around to leave her. She realised he had, more than warned her, given her a little piece of information on Akatsuki's plans. Why would he offer it to her so freely?

"Itachi." He stopped, his back turned to her. "Was it all worth it? Is it still worth it?"

When she thought he wouldn't answer, his head lowered slightly in a nod, so small that, if she hadn't been intent on him, she wouldn't have noticed it. It could have been a false compassionate answer meant to ease her, but Gohama's heart accepted it as the truth. At least she hoped it was, she hoped Uncle hadn't lived with the cruel ache of regret.

"I'm sorry life hasn't been kind to you."

When Gohama could no longer feel Itachi's chakra signature, she took small steps on trembling legs towards Kakashi. She fell onto her knees beside him, her fingers immediately settling against his pulse point. Under them thundered a strong, steady heartbeat. Her head fell onto his chest as she let out a shaky sigh. It was only chakra exhaustion. Not death. Kakashi was not dying.

Gohama stayed in that position for a while, waiting for her strength to return to her legs and mind. When she finally pulled her head up, her eyes fixed onto the uncovered part of his face. She could sense the sharingan sucking in his chakra, as it tried to regenerate from overuse. Her hand cupped the side of his face and she sent thin threads of chakra through the eye's pathways to help it settle down.

A shallow crease appeared on his brow and his grey eye fluttered open. "…hama?"

Her palm soothed through his hair. "Shh. It's okay, they're gone. Go back to sleep."

He didn't even try to pretend he had any kind of energy left and went back to being more unconscious than asleep.

"_Thanks for the help, Seiryu."_

"_Wasn't really into the idea of being kidnapped by Akatsuki." _

"_Makes two of us…" _Gohama shared softly, as she continued to look down at Kakashi, hand brushing through his soaked dirty hair.

"_You okay, kiddo?"_

"_Just tired…"_

"_What I said, when you first entered the seal… I take it back. I don't need you to honour anyone… You can tell him to go back to Konoha."_

"_You're supposed to give me strength, not make things more difficult."_

"_I'm trying to make them easier, Gohama."_

"_I owe my family. I owe them. I… please don't fight me on this, Seiryu, I need you with me, not against me."_

"_Okay, Gohama, okay. Just make me a favour and if you go through with it, don't use my chakra."_

"_Don't tell me you old lizard have a soft spot."_

"_Under my scales, I have a lot of soft spots." _His serious tone turned into a playful one_. "And you don't need to be jealous, kiddo, the biggest one will always be for you."_

Gohama chuckled a little but it was hollow. Her still trembling hands pressed against Kakashi's stomach and sent probing chakra. A broken rib that explained his rasped breathing, a deep cut down his hip, various bruises and obviously chakra exhaustion. It could be worse, the bleeding wasn't in a life threatening degree and the rib wasn't in a risk of puncturing a lung.

Using wire, she pulled him into a sitting position, while she kneeled between his legs. Her hands wrapped around the back of his knees and hoisted him onto her back, making sure his chin was nicely tuck on her shoulder. With careful, unsteady steps, they both went back to her home, Gohama making a stop by the Kyura vaults, so she could take a chakra medicine instructive scroll.

Once Kakashi was finally laying on his futon, she fell on her butt and took a few minutes to catch her breath. The scroll opened with her Kyura chakra and she searched for suturing instructions. Her reserves were low, but she still had enough to heal the deeper part of his stab wound.

Gohama decided on cutting Kakashi's shirt instead of jolting him even more. Under the tight fabric, his skin was cold and clammy, marred with bruises wider than her palm. There was little Gohama could do for those. With cold water, she cleaned the blood that had seeped from the cut and applied antiseptic. Her green healing chakra seeped into the cut as she followed attentively the Kyura medical instructions.

By the end of the healing session, sweat was dripping out of Gohama's forehead, through her nose. A new respect grew in her for Kisamaru's amazing chakra control. The rest of the suture she did by hand with a needle and thread. All that was left was to wrap Kakashi's torso in gauze and give a little boost to his rib.

It had been almost an hour and Kakashi was still unconscious. Gohama laid her hand against his stomach and neck. His temperature was back to normal, but he still felt clammy. She blamed everything on his chakra exhaustion, too tired to think about anything anymore.

So tired that when she came back to a more lucid state, Gohama caught her hand soothing over Kakashi's muscles on his belly. Her eyes snapped open in shock and her hand pulled back against her chest. It was weird and inappropriate, downright creepy, and Kakashi would have been mortified if he had known. She was mortified herself, even if too tired to actually let the emotion have any effect besides making her even more tired.

Gohama rested her back against the cold floor, her eyes blurring the ceiling until she couldn't leave them open anymore. Later she could take care of her own wounds.

* * *

Itachi settled Samehada on the ground and waited. The sword opened its fanged mouth and from it escaped a thin frail looking Kisame.

"Zetsu's clones and Samehada work against a Kyura's chakra sense."

"Useful, don't you think?" Kisame commented, before his brow furrowed at the lack of an unconscious jinchuriki. "Why didn't you take the Kyura?"

"The battle was fast tilting towards her victory." Itachi lied. "We underestimated her strength."

"Maybe, but you also used those eyes on the Copy-nin. If you hadn't spent so much chakra on that, you'd have won." He shrugged. "It's okay, I suppose, the Kyura is vulnerable now and I doubt he'll wake up."

"He will."

The Tsukuyomi shattered the spirit, to wake up from the coma there only needed to be a feeling that mended the broken pieces. And no feeling was more fruitful than love.

Itachi had seen it in Kakashi when his eyes kept flickering to the distant image of Kisame and Gohama's fight, the perseverance as he kept fighting past his body's limits to protect her, and the relief as he watched her alive and allowed himself to let go and fall. Itachi had seen it in Gohama, in the gentle ministrations as she laid him down, and the tender and scared eyes as she looked at his comatose face.

Itachi's gaze moved to the descending dark bird, and he extended his arm so the crow could land on it. He couldn't help but feel a sardonic type of amusement at the timing, as he received this information right after hearing Kyura Gohama's words. She wouldn't change his mind. His path through the shadows had been set a long time ago and he wouldn't diverge from it now.

"Sasuke has formed a team. He is coming for me."


	48. V - Chapter 8

Part V | Chapter 8

* * *

"Wake up." Kakashi said groggily, his voice coming out as a growl, while he shook Gohama's shoulder, careful not to jolt her roughly. "Gohama, wake up. Gohama." His heart thundered in his chest at her lack of response.

He had woken up in the middle of the night, his body feeling as if he had been trampled by a tailed beast, but all wrapped up. His eye had snapped to the lump beside him, looking more like a rag doll than a human being, worry cold in his guts at the dark stain on her lower back.

"Shhh… lemme sleep."

"I need you to take off your shirt."

"…no mood for sex."

"Interesting news, not really relevant at the moment." When Gohama didn't answer, he continued with a more assertive tone. "You're bleeding."

With great effort, she managed to open a slit on her eyelid. "Where?" Kakashi grunted as, still laying down, he stretched to reach her lower back and lightly press his hand to it. "That's yours."

"Are you sure?" Gohama's response was to close back her eyelid. "Gohama…"

"If I was actually dying, Seiryu would have warned me by now. I think it's safe for me to sleep for a few more minutes."

"Or maybe you can let me clean it and then sleep for however long you want."

Gohama grumbled a litany of curses as she brushed the sleep off her eyes and pushed herself into a kneeling position. With a few winces, she took her haori off and, as she brought her hands to the lower hem of her shirt, Kakashi looked away towards the ceiling. In only her mesh and bindings, the injury covering the left side of the small of her back was clear, with angry jagged patches of raised flesh as a few drops of blood still seeped out of them.

"The blood is definitely yours. It's from Kisame's sword. It ripped your skin off."

"Oh, yeah. I remember that now." She tried to look down over her shoulder. "Is it stuck to my mesh shirt?"

"Yes, with a lot of lint and dirt." Again, she mumbled a series of curses under her breath. "Come here." He gave her a lazy wave. "I'll clean it."

Kakashi tried to get up on his own, but failed miserably, making Gohama chuckle in the process, an eyebrow raised up and her arms crossed. He wished he could wash that cheekiness off her face. It never left her as she crawled her way to him and leaned closer, her hands settling above his shoulders, as her hair fell around their faces. "Regretting not leaving me to sleep?"

"What man would regret this?"

Gohama smirked, cocky and dangerous, as she wrapped her freezing arms around his torso and pulled him upwards. Kakashi groaned when he felt his broken rib stab through his lung. He knew it hadn't truly pierced anything, but it certainly felt like it.

"I am starting to regret a little, yes."

"Good." Was Gohama's curt answer as she tapped his legs so he would spread them open, and sat on her heels between them.

Kakashi started by pulling the dirt and threads of shredded mesh out of the wound with tweezers. When a more difficult piece came, glued to dried blood, Gohama would tense, the muscles on her shoulders rippling below her skin, without showing any other sign of pain.

"Kisame?" He asked.

"Dead. I didn't fight Itachi, I let him go." She share quietly.

His hands stopped for a second before he continued. After feeling her killing intent, he hadn't expected her to be so lenient and he also would never expect Itachi to give up without a fight.

Sensing his incredibility, she explained, "Sasuke should be the one to kill him."

Her words made his heart jolt and hands falter again. He hadn't expected to hear Sasuke's name, a name he hadn't heard in so long, even when it had never stopped throbbing in the space meant for his regret, his guilt.

She still didn't explain why Itachi hadn't fought and he suspected Gohama wasn't interested on sharing that with him, and he didn't force her.

The first part of the cleaning was done and Kakashi tried to pull up her mesh shirt as carefully as he could. His knuckles brushed against freezing skin and he wasn't sure if that had been from sleeping on the floor or blood loss.

His hands kept steady at his sides, as his eyes followed the line of Gohama's spine, down to the pair of dimples resting just above the edge of her shorts. They lingered a moment on the curve of her hip and he wondered if he wrapped both hands around her waist if his fingers would touch, they definitely wouldn't, but he wanted to try either way. She didn't have the reminder of a single old wound on her back, not one small little scar.

"Are you done staring at my back?"

Kakashi would have blushed more, if not for the confusion taking over his mind. "You don't have scars." He had never noticed it before. Every time he had looked at a large strip of Gohama's uncovered skin, she had been wounded, leaving any possible scars hidden.

"Thanks for the insight." Her tone was biting.

"No one is that good."

"I know."

Kakashi frowned even more at her deflated voice. "It's Seiryu's chakra." Gohama nodded quietly. "And you want scars?"

"Everyone has scars."

Her comment days ago about being the monster in the jinchuriki matter jumped to his thoughts. "This doesn't make you any less of a person." She didn't answer. "It doesn't, Gohama."

"Just hurry up. I still want to go back to sleep."

Kakashi knew when not to push her, so he searched through the medic kit for the antiseptic, a needle and thread. Except for a few long exhales and little whimpers, she held on the same as before. Internally, Kakashi thanked the fact that he had been unconscious when Gohama worked on his ugly gash down his stomach.

"You chakra healed me?" He asked, trying to bring up conversation while pushing the needle into her flesh and pulling the thread. She nodded only. "How long did it take you?"

"One hour… but I didn't have enough chakra. Had to close the skin the old fashioned way."

"That bad, huh?"

"For a moment I thought you were dead." Her words held a quiet heavy tone and Kakashi could feel them vibrating through her back, as his fingers stopped what they were doing. Gohama caught herself from getting too serious, too vulnerable. "Just chakra exhaustion, though. But I did have to save your sorry ass again."

"When did I need saving the first time?" Kakashi went along. The comments before had already been enough for one night after a heavy fight.

"Against Kakuzu. You were almost burnt to death and I made this really cool entrance with my chakra."

"Hmm? Are you sure? I don't seem to remember that…" Kakashi remembered. It had been cool, it had been amazing. Her chakra roaring on all sides of him, her dark air fluttering in the air against the green of her Kyura haori. Tachi in hand, just as Kyura Inaku.

"You don't? Don't you remember being an asshole when I asked you were the other was?"

"Ah, yes... even then you had a habit of threatening to kill me."

His teasing fell flat between the two of them. Gohama had joked about that hours before, but for some reason, it had become too much of a sensitive topic now. Maybe the exhaustion helped with that, the masks behind humour cracking.

"I'm sorry, Gohama. I shouldn't have said that."

His hand rested on her hip in an attempt at an appeasing gesture. Goose bumps broke through her skin under his fingertips, and Kakashi soothed the pad of his thumb over them. Her skin was so soft under his rough callouses, so tender. He wanted to kiss it, to lick it as he followed the path of her spine with his lips and his tongue.

"Why would you need to apologise?" Her voice had that forced tilt of lightness. It made him pull his hand away from her, the lead of guilt settling in his chest. He should never imagine those things about Kyura Gohama. "Don't worry about my feelings, Hatake."

It took him another ten minutes in silence to finish sewing the rest of Gohama's raised patches of flesh. He wrapped clean gauze around her lower torso and again he couldn't stop himself from letting the back of his fingers graze and linger over her.

When he tied it all together, the white clean fabric almost the same colour as Gohama's back, he gently held both of her hips and pressed his masked lips to her shoulder, dragging a shiver from her. "But I do worry."

Gohama didn't punch him and she also didn't kick him away or mocked him, instead she said a quiet, almost silent, "Don't."

She was right. How had he even allowed himself to hold her as he did now? He had no right to touch her, no right to be anything to her. The broken rib and freshly sewed cut didn't stop him from jerking away from Gohama. Before he could do more than lean backwards, her hands grabbed his and coaxed them to stay where they held her.

She turned her head to him. Her profile perfectly drawn out for him, a quiet blush marking her cheek and nose. "Let me see your sharingan."

He leaned closer, but stopped himself before he could touch her back and rest his chin on her shoulder, maybe bury his nose on the curve of her neck. It was all his eyes could see, the line of Gohama from the tip of her hairline down to her arm.

She reached his face with her hand to cup its left side. Her chakra entered him, quiet and fresh, spreading across his pathways and soothing the ache thundering in the sharingan.

His eyes closed as he hummed in delight. "That's a nice trick…"

"I'm full of very nice tricks." He opened his grey eye to see the teasing smirk matching the tone in her voice. Those comments of hers were never good for his heartbeat. "It's like it has a mind of its own. How hasn't the Uchiha's chakra drained out?"

"Obito." Kakashi shared before he could even understand that it had happened. But it had, and despite an expected apprehension, he wasn't freaking out at the vulnerability he had fallen himself into. "His name was Obito."

This time also the sharingan opened, even if it hurt him. Obito would have loved to see the woman, besides Rin, that made Kakashi's walls crack. Definitely not as much as Kakashi loved seeing her, as the shade of her green eyes seemed to change as they mellowed.

"Was Obito as stubborn as his chakra?"

"Worse."

And Gohama smiled, soft and sweet and it made his heart swell. And it was in moments like this that Kakashi honoured Obito's gift with a sight of the future, of good and beauty.

"Ah, I'm sure he made your life a living hell."

Kakashi chuckled. "Every day. He was the one that called me Bakashi."

Her thumb brushed over his eyebrow and her voice softened. "I would have liked him a lot, then."

"Obito would have liked you too."

Her expression fell, and even if the tenderness was still there, it was overwhelmed with sadness. Her chakra receded from him and she let her hand fall away. He frowned and his mouth opened, but Gohama already knew the question he would ask. She explained curtly. "I'm really tired." And they both knew it wasn't just that.

"Whatever happens, Gohama, I won't regret staying here with you."

She turned her back to him, her eyes fixed on the decorated door in front of them. "Did you regret teaching Sasuke?"

"What does Sasuke have to do with us?"

"I know I remind you of him. And I'm sorry." She answered with lowered eyes.

"Don't make me laugh, Gohama. It hurts." He said seriously. "You don't remind me of Sasuke, at all. Yes, your circumstances are similar, but you're completely different people."

"It's the same. You're here helping me train and maybe you have hope that it will stop me or something but it won't."

"Gohama," Kakashi called steadily, clumsily dragging himself to her side. His hand brushed her hair away and held her face so he could see it. "I'm not here to stop you. I'm not here with some type of saviour complex that I'll get you to be happy and whole and forget all about what Konoha did and what _I_ did. Most of the times I question how much I fuck you up with my own shit while I'm here."

"You don't." She started with a sheepish smirk and her eyes lifted to meet his. "You haven't fucked me once."

Kakashi rolled his own and didn't stop a small smile from curving his lips. "This is serious, woman." He couldn't stop himself from gliding down the back of his fingers over her cheek. "If you think I'm here as some attempt at redeeming what happened with Sasuke through you, I'm not. No matter how similar your lives have been you are completely different people to me. And I could tell you all about how revenge only brings pain and emptiness, like I did and will still do with him, but for you it's useless, because you already know that. Revenge isn't even what you want, it's what you think you should do, it's what you think you owe Buki.

"Sasuke is resentful and you're not resentful at all. Even when you should be..."

At his own words, he felt the urge to pull away from her, but didn't. It may be wrong of him, but Gohama needed this now.

"Sasuke does it for hate and you do it for love." Kakashi finished softly.

Her large eyes met his, something deep and trembling escaped from the endless green. They clouded and reddened, but before the water could build and spill, she turned away and moved to flee from the spot beside him.

His hand caught her shoulder carefully. "Where are you going?"

"To a place where we're not having this conversation."

"I'll shut up, then, and we'll go to sleep and next time maybe let the emotions of a tough battle wash off before getting into serious talks. Sounds good?"

"Yeah, sleep sounds amazing."

Kakashi scooted to the other side of the futon and Gohama stared at the blank space opened for her. Maybe it had been inappropriate to assume she would sleep next to him, but they were both exhausted and she still had to set her futon and maybe he really wanted her presence next to him that night.

Before he could begin to embarrass himself with a lousy excuse or justification, Gohama gave him one of her smirks. "First you try to get me undressed, then into your bed. Feeling naughty, hmm, Copy-nin?"

"Yes, I am. Now are you going to get in before I go under the covers again? I'm freezing."

She moved to lay down on the spot and sighed as she wiggled into the mattress beneath. Kakashi watched her with a small smile before laying down too. Without the previous shyness, Gohama pressed herself to his side and he jerked. "Fuck, you're freezing. How are you not dead?"

"Mm, your chakra's really warm."

"The lightning is not uncomfortable?"

"When you get worked up it prickles, but it's more like a shock that sends adrenaline through me, not pain. Most times it just tingles, like when someone brushes their fingers over your skin."

As a demonstration, her fingertips glided over a patch of uncovered skin on his chest in feather light circles. Instant goose bumps rose on his skin at the soft teasing sensation. Kakashi pouted behind his mask when she pulled away. If his chakra felt as good as Gohama's touch then she would be constantly flustered, which unfortunately she wasn't.

Flustered Gohama was a beautiful rare sight and she always managed to turn it onto himself. She was always ready to go one step farther than he could ever let himself. If she were any other woman with no history in common, he would have taken all the steps more than happy to jump right over the cliff with her. But she wasn't. And Gohama being Gohama was what made him so madly attracted to her.

"It's nice." She caught her words and blushed again and again Kakashi felt the impulse to lean in and press his lips to her skin. "But you stink."

"You're not much better."

Gohama pushed even closer to him, making a show of her words against his side. "Mm, well, I'm not getting out of here now."

"Good." He thought to himself and she opened her eyes to look at him, making him realise he had said it aloud. He really couldn't keep his mouth shut tonight.

Her fingers rested gently on his jaw and it made his blush burn hotter behind his mask. Her eyes shifted down to his mouth and he watched as her dark lashes flickered with the movement. Then her green forest eyes speckled with sadness, but what shone through was a bottomless intensity that made his heart stumble and his cock twitch.

"Remember that night on Dazai's mission?" She whisper and she must have leant closer because Kakashi could feel it fan against his mask.

Of course, he did. Kakashi had it saved with the sharingan's memory. The small curious and innocent glides of her fingertips over his skin and of his calloused fingertips over her skin meant to comfort her from the disgusting violent touch of that bastard. The first time Kakashi had felt his affectionate need burst through every wall he had built around himself.

"Hmm." He didn't trust himself to say anything more.

"I never thanked you for that. So thank you, Kakashi. I also never thanked you for being there on that mission. And I understand now… why you couldn't stay after… I forgive you."

"Gohama…" He breathed and closed his eyes. He didn't deserve her forgiveness. Those who left their friends behind were worse than scum and even if Gohama hadn't been a friend then – his confusion over what she was to him was not fresh –, she had already been a person he cared about. And Kakashi had left her to hurt and fight alone.

Her fingers moved to press over his lips and he wanted to kiss down her fingers and palm, her wrist and arm. "You don't have to force yourself to say anything, okay? Let's just sleep. Exhaustion is making us talk and I'm pretty sure we'll regret it in the morning."

Kakashi opened his eyes. "I won't… I like this. I like talking to you like this."

She smiled, but the speckles of sadness were still there. "Night, Copy-nin." Gohama shifted until her head was safely tucked against his side.

"Good night, Hama."

Kakashi let himself delight in the feel of Gohama's soft body pressed to his side. Alive. The relief of having her alive and safe was so warm and giddy it almost felt like joy.

His gaze fixed on the coffered ceiling above them, with two stains of dried blood on the other side of it. The guilt was still there, always looming over them. Even if she had asked him to stop it, he couldn't, especially not when everything around him reminded him of how he had failed her.

Hansuke should have been the one with her now and that was why she hadn't wanted him here.

Gohama was all about love.

She called it duty, but it was only the expression of her love for her people. To her an unfulfilled duty meant there was an unfulfilled love. She was afraid her love for Hansuke would clash with her love for Buki, would replace it and steal its space.

That fear was what had led her to accept Kakashi's stay in Buki. Gohama knew she would never love him and he would never replace anyone.

It hurt. It was selfish of him to hurt because of it, but he still did.

* * *

Gohama had spent the entire night awake as Kakashi snored quietly behind her. In the morning, she left before he woke up and went straight to her home's alcohol cabinet, taking away the cheapest looking bottle of sake. Her muscles ached with every little movements and her pathways burned from chakra abuse. She didn't care. She didn't care about the kick from the sake as it slid down her throat and how fast it made her drunk from being exhausted. Half of it and she was already drunk.

With unsteady steps, she climbed the stairs leading to the Yukikage Palace and then the wall, her chakra faltering and she almost let herself fall onto a ten metre drop. When she reached the top, Gohama plopped herself on the indigo roof and watched the devastated village under her. Her devastated Village. She couldn't let herself forget that, she couldn't let herself soften the grief.

And yet, the death below her was nothing but smoke and shadow, while Kakashi's death seemed realer this morning. The memory of yesterday's fear continued to sear through her stomach, quivering and cold and painful. Maybe it wasn't just the memory, maybe it was the knowing yesterday would come again. Memory and anticipation, they made things real now, painfully real.

How could Gohama ever bring herself to kill him now that she felt what his death meant? And why did that matter? She had promised her village and her Yukikage to bear any weight that came in her way. She promised herself the day of Uncle's death to take her burden as he had taken his. But Gohama was just Gohama and Uncle had been the strongest, kindest man she had met. Like Father, like Mother.

How could the genes branded into every cell of herself dissolve into nothing in her life? Gohama was a Kyura, Gohama was her parents child, blood of their blood, flesh of their flesh. But they had never dwelled in her, as they didn't dwell now. All she had was a rotten character to hold the magnificent power of the Kyura and Seiryu. Thin bones could never sustenance strong muscle, a sword could never amount to anything without its swordsman.

It was the moment when she would pierce a chidori through his chest that terrified her. Gohama would take the grief and the guilt without choice and without question. But the killing would be her own making, her own hand, mind and will commanding. Like a god. A god that felt and doubted and had weakness in every crevasse of her body and soul.

The only hope she could find in herself was Seiryu, because he was not herself. Once she learned how to summon him, his power would be free of her weakness and then they would rule, as every Kyura jinchuriki and Seiryu had meant to rule.

She couldn't forget she was meant to be the Shuriken of Bukigakure, she couldn't forget the man behind the white mask that had killed both her parents and that she had hated all her life. Gohama tried hating him now.

Somehow, Kakashi and the porcelain mask man had never merged into the same person in her mind. Gohama had tried to look into his masked face, his grey eye, even the sharingan, and see the man with the frantic, crackling chakra. The two images overlapped but they never merged into one. How could they when one was painted in terror and the other in…

In trust and something else… she didn't know what it was that he stirred inside of her.

How did he do it? How did he always fucking do it, just like during Dazai's mission? Was it because Gohama was vulnerable and desperate to hold onto anything, and he was the only one there, the only one to take the place she needed. Or simply because it was him? Because he was Kakashi…

She was fucked. Gohama was utterly fucked.

* * *

The firm lines of his bicep stood out as his arm was tucked under his head, his body spread through the wood of the engawa. Gohama crouched down behind him and slid a twig of grass through the skin of his arm. His muscles twitched under it and he frowned, swatting away nothing but air. She did the same and he swatted his own arm again. And then again.

His grey eye opened to glare at her. "You do know I'm perfectly aware that's you doing it."

"I know. But I still like to annoy you."

He closed his eye again. "And why is that?"

"Payback for all the times you annoy me."

"You wound me, Gohama."

Her hands propped her up on either side of his face and Gohama leaned down, her hair brushing the side of Kakashi's face. "You wound me back just as much, Kakashi."

"What did I do this time?"

"You drive me mad."

Kakashi's only answer was to hum.

"Are you better?" He nodded. "In pain?" He shook his head and that really didn't answer any of her questions considering it was Kakashi and he wouldn't admit to the toll his injuries were taking on him.

With closed lids, his light grey eyelashes, almost white, hovered above his skin, casting small shadows on the dark circles under his eyes. His scar carved a slit between the lashes and Gohama followed the mirroring gap that cut through his eyebrow, his skin. She didn't understand why his eyelashes looked so pretty, why they fascinated her and made it hard for her gaze to pull away. She was itching to lean down and press her lips to his eye, his cheek, his forehead, even to his mask covered lips.

It had to be the alcohol. It was still circling through her veins and making every little thing she saw or did seem more exciting.

Her hand pulled his bangs away from his face. She let her fingers bury in his hair and her thumb sooth the tip of the scar that ran over his closed eye. "Open it."

Kakashi had been hiding the sharingan from her since she froze at the sight of it, only letting her see it on that day where she had demanded it and yesterday during the battle.

Gohama wanted to see all of him. And that meant the sharingan, Obito's sharingan. The gift that held in it so much of Kakashi's history, so much of what made him who he was. A memento of his friend, of his death, of his life. She could understand why it had been so difficult to move on, every time he looked in the mirror the eye stared back at him. His own signature as a shinobi, his own identity, had been moulded around and through it.

His silver eyelashes fluttered and the sharingan, red and swirling, shone from behind them. It didn't send dread freezing through her this time. There was only a strange ache that throbbed in her heart, overwhelming and tender. It felt good and it felt bad, like nostalgia, like remembering something she had never really lived through before, but wanted to. She wanted to live through this so much and she wasn't even sure what this was, only that Kakashi was in it, with nothing that could slice between the two of them.

Why was the eye so beautiful and why did she feel like crying?

"Are you going to stare at me all day?" Kakashi asked in a soft low voice.

There was no glint of porcelain white. All her heart could see was Kakashi.

"Maybe." Gohama rolled to lay upside down beside him, her face in the same line as his. "Kakashi… do you think we could have been friends?"

"You shouldn't think about what ifs." Kakashi said seriously.

Gohama ignored his comment, her gaze intent on his profile, on the curve of his mask as it slid down his nose fell under his earlobe. "I think so. There was this little interval where we got along. It was natural for me. I never had to force it. Did you force it? Because of Uncle, because of…"

"No. I didn't even try, which was a mistake. I should have tried to get away."

"Why?"

"Gohama, you know why. Yes, we got along well, but when we didn't it was because of reasons we can't ignore."

She swallowed, trying to ease the burning lump on her throat, trying to make her voice not sound pitifully broken as she spoke. "You should leave, Kakashi. Go back to Konoha."

His head dropped to the side, so he could look at her. "I haven't finished my end of the deal."

"The deal is off, I don't care. Just leave."

"I don't want to." His eyes were so soft they made the knot tighten inside her throat.

"You're crazy."

Through the fabric of his mask, she could see his lips curve in a small smile. "I never pretended not to be." His tone was light, trying to ease the strain of their conversation.

Gohama chuckled and her hand reached for his hair, fingers brushing through the thick silver stands. "We can pretend. Just for a little while. We can pretend."

"Hmm, what will we pretend?"

"We'll pretend that it's our day off work and we left the house because the air is warm but the sun is cold enough that we won't overheat. You sigh because you're tired of the long hours picking up rice from the fields, too tired even to read. You brought your book but it's closed and laying on your chest. When you open it, it's to rest it against your face and cover your eyes from the light."

When she finished Kakashi just stared back at her, his gaze made the throbbing in her heart swell, and it hurt and burst and sang. Then, he turned his head to look up at the sky. When he started talking, his voice low and soft, painfully soft, everything in her stilled.

"There's bento you prepared for us, and I pretend it's the best food I've ever had just so I can see you smile. We both know I'm the better cook," Gohama swatted the back of his head lightly and she could see wrinkle of his satisfied smirk on his mask. "but you still go along with it. We end up falling asleep and it's okay, because we don't have anyone after us and nothing to worry about. And when you wake up, I smile down at you and you smile back and there is no mask between us, because I never had to wear one."

"And when I look at you, there are two grey eyes behind light eyelashes and there's no scar. The only scar you have is on your forearm, from a farming accident. That was the only moment I was scared for your life and you weren't even that hurt."

"And you have scars. Just two of them. One under your chin from when you fell as a child and another in your left middle finger from cutting yourself with a plier while pruning some bushes. It wasn't a deep cut, but you took care of it at home and the skin healed poorly like with any other person. Sometimes I let my thumb sooth over it, but just that, I avoid touching you with my rough, calloused hands from using the reaper."

"I lean towards you, my hand resting against your tanned cheek from all those hours working under the sun. It makes your lips chapped, but that never matters to me, just as I always love your calloused hands on me."

Kakashi let silence settle between them before sharing hesitantly. "We sound a lot like more than friends."

"If our lives were this way, we wouldn't be just friends."

Gohama surprised herself with her own words, spoken with such certainty. Certainty that what ruined things between them was the life they had been forced into, certainty that, whatever this attraction to Kakashi was, it ran deeply inside of her. But what did that even mean? It was like this for everything, things were the way they were everywhere because of what had come before them. Why would Gohama and Kakashi be different? Why would another life allow things for them to be different?

He turned to watch her. "And Hansuke?"

"If my life was like that, Hansuke would never have fallen in love with me." And her certainty from before didn't waver. Their relationship had always been about making her happy, healing her brokenness, not love, not sharing a life. If she weren't broken, Hansuke wouldn't have felt his kind, giving love for her that translated into romantic love.

"Would you have fallen in love with him?"

"Maybe a crush." How could she not be attracted to those beautiful eyes and kind open smile? "He's always been an eligible bachelor, but I'm too proud to fall in love with someone who doesn't want me."

"What would you love, then?"

"Everything. I wouldn't have to choose. I'd love everything. And you."

"I'd love very few things, but, when I did, it would be open and full, no guilt and fear."

Gohama looked down from his beautiful eyes to the raise of his lips, wondering what their shape was, colour and feel. "If I told you to kiss me, would you kiss me?"

His chakra fluttered against her skin and it made goose bumps rise all over her body. His eyes flickered up to her lips, but quickly turned back up to meet her own. Kakashi stayed silent for a long time before answering, his voice as collected as always. "No."

She smiled. He wanted to, she just didn't understand why he was ruling himself. Probably out of guilt, it was always guilt that soured things between the two of them. Still, rejection was rejection and Gohama could be cruel when her pride was hurt. It was always pride that soured things between the two of them.

"Kiss me, Kakashi." He moved to stand up and Gohama draped her arm over his chest. "It doesn't have to be on the lips. What-if friends can kiss on the cheek."

He continued propped on an elbow from trying to stand up and looked down on her with half-lidded eyes that made her stomach twirl. It didn't compare to the riots inside her when he leaned in on her, his manly scent pressing into her nose, his chakra stroking all of her flesh. His lips met the blushing skin of her cheek, masked lips, and still she could feel his warmth under the fabric.

Gohama wrapped her hand around his nape when he started pulling back and opened her eyes to look at his. "Tell me it'll be alright."

He was also blushing, she could see red tint above his mask. "It'll be alright."

She stroked her thumb against the line of his jaw before letting her hand fall away. Instead of rising, Kakashi lay down again, opening one of Mother's books and going back to reading. Gohama scooted closer so she could press her forehead against his bicep.

"Read to me."

* * *

The white snow under Gohama blended with her pale skin. Kakashi settled next to her, elbow resting beside her fanning dark hair, and she smiled. His fingers glided across her cold reddened nose and down the curve of her cheek. Her hand rested above his, pressing it more fully to her skin, and she opened her eyes to his grey ones, their green the same as the kimono she was wearing.

"Kiss me." Gohama demanded, but he didn't lean into her. "Kiss me, Kakashi."

The words hit him with a wave of longing and dread. Why was there dread when he had kissed her so many times before and not once had his heart trembled from it? He couldn't move, muscles locked below feverish flesh. It was Gohama to pull him out of it with a rough tug to the collar of his haori.

Their noses met and he could feel her warm breath brushing his lips and skin. The desire for her that he knew so well stirred through him at the softness of her breasts under his chest, the feminine scent of her hair and skin, the burning feel of her body pressed to his. And yet, that unknown dread, that unknown guilt that somehow seemed so familiar now, like recalling a childhood smell or the sudden memory of a dream.

"Kiss me." She ordered. "Kiss me, Kakashi."

All it took was a needy nuzzle of her nose on his cheek for him to forget all that. With a desperate wildness, as if it were the first time he was kissing her, Kakashi crashed his lips to hers. She responded with the same fervent need, her softness moving in rhythm with his firmness, mirroring his own frenzied desire to have more, to taste more of what he had never had before.

Their hands were all over themselves, savouring what their mouths couldn't. He pressed his hard, burning desire in her wet, burning one. He pushed her green kimono away from her body, her moans and gasps urging him to taste every piece of her. His tongue slid across the column of her neck, the valley of her breasts, the skin of her stomach.

Gohama smelled of iron, tasted of iron, wet warm iron.

Kakashi pulled himself up slightly and froze and yet there was no surprise. It was red and it was blood. Red blood stained every place he had touched, her pale skin a smudge of prints and drags and so much red. His heart pumped fast, no longer out of desire, but fear.

His eyes lifted to her face and all he could see were her Kyura green eyes peeking through red blood. Without thought, he startled away with a jump, crawling on his back.

With a small hum, Gohama finally realised she was covered in blood and smiled, a kind reassuring smile. "It's not mine." She explained while she pointed to him. "It's coming from your hands."

He stopped to examine them and it was true, his hands were soaked in red.

"Kyura blood." She commented casually. "But it's not mine. Not yet."

She held his larger hand with her smaller one and laid it against her chest. He could feel her steady heartbeat below the softness of her breast. His fingers shone with blue lightning and he watched as they sank into melting flesh, screeching echoing above the loud thundering in his ears. Kakashi tried to jerk his arm away, but his hand was already piercing through her chest, gripping him, forcing him to push deeper into her bone and muscle.

"Kill me." She whispered, raspy and wet, her lips brushing his ear. "Yukikage-slayer, Friend-killer Kakashi."

The black strands wavering before his scared eyes lightened into warm brown. Kakashi cracked his neck back and looked at her face. She was Rin.

"Kakashi…" Rin's young voice called as he watched blue light flashing through the bottomless blank stare of her wide brown eyes.

His hand dangled on the other side of her ripped frame.

* * *

"Kakashi. Wake up. Kakashi!"

Kakashi gasped as he startled awake, two mismatched wide eyes staring at her own. Her hand continued to smooth over his damp hair, waiting until his fast pants calmed down and his heartbeat slowed inside his chest. But, no matter how gently she stroked his hair and whispered empty words of comfort, Kakashi's breathing only turned more shallow and his eyes swam with deeper, unnerving panic.

"Oh, fuck, it's happening." He breathed out as his fingers clamped onto the fabric above his heart.

"What is happening, Kakashi?" Her hand rested above his, and again instead of reassuring him, it made him jerk away.

He stumbled while crawling backwards, his breathing ragged and his chakra shuddered through the air around the room in frantic shots that prickled her senses. Gohama tried to approach him gently, hands clear for him to see, stance unthreatening, but he didn't raise his eyes, wide and horrified, as they stared at his shaking hands.

Suddenly, Kakashi stood up and ran out the door. She stared at the space from where he had disappeared, unmoving from her kneeling position, as she felt herself be overwhelmed by the chaos of emotions swirling through her. Worse was the helplessness. She had never seen Kakashi's face marked with so much emotion, so much panic and despair. The memory of it made her eyes and throat burn.

Should she go to him? Would he want her there?

Gohama stood up and was following his chakra signature before letting her overthinking take over. If he didn't want her near him, she would leave, but she couldn't just abandon Kakashi when he was having a panic attack.

The night was cold and dark from the new moon, and it shouldn't have surprised Gohama that even through the darkness Kakashi had found his way through the treacherous ruins of the Kyura compound.

She found him at the bank of the river, back hunched over the water, his frantic breathing mixed with the sounds of splashing water. Gohama let out her chakra, softly and freely, hoping he would sense her and not freak out. With small cautious steps, she neared him. He didn't jerk away and also didn't react when she lowered herself to her knees beside him, careful not to touch him.

The burning lump that didn't want to leave her chest that day tightened as she realised Kakashi was anxiously rubbing at his hands. It was why he had come to the river, to wash them.

"It's blood…" He whispered brokenly under his breath and Gohama wasn't sure if he had spoken to her or himself.

Her fingers clenched around the fabric above her thighs. What could she do? Tell him to breathe? That was usually what Uncle and Hansuke had done with her, but more than the words, it was their calming presence that grounded and eased her. Gohama wasn't a calming person, she was a lost mess of broken pieces… If she couldn't pick up her own shards how could she help Kakashi?

"I know it's not there, but I just want it to get off…"

"Here." Gohama whispered gently as her hands dipped into the chilling water. She waited for any sign resistance from him, and when he showed none, she wrapped his larger hands with her own. "Let me help clean them."

She rubbed his hands with tender brushes, careful not the hurt the abused flesh even more than it already was. Green chakra seeped from her pathways and glowed under the water, making the ripples of their movements shine. Gohama had learned a healing jutsu from Mother meant to keep her hands smooth and callouses free, it also worked for small skin abrasions.

They continued their cleaning until Kakashi's shakes had eased into small tremors, his breathing fast and shallow, but not breathless, and his chakra not oozing that erratic flow of lightning that had woken her up.

From time to time, it still trembled and a light sob sounded, but he pulled their hands up from the water, turning them to scrutinise their colour. Using her haori, she dried them with gentle dabs.

"You don't want to touch my hands." Kakashi whispered as he tried to pull them away from her.

Gohama held steadily, continuing to dab at them, then embracing them between her own in an attempt to warm the freezing and trembling fingers. A man's hand. Kakashi's hand. They were beautiful, with skill and strength packed into them, but also gentleness. Gohama traced his knuckles and scars, her fingers lingering on the wide burned pressure points from using the chidori, the callouses typical of a ninja from holding weapons.

"Gohama…"

She smiled at him and settled his hand against her chest. "I'm here."

His forehead fell onto her shoulder and one of her hands reached up to thread softly through his hair. "Is this okay?"

Kakashi nodded as a response, not lifting his head, his brow brushing on her skin. She continued to sooth down his wild hair until the tremors in his muscles eased and his chakra flow settled back. He pulled back then, his tired eyes still struck with a deep sorrow that pierced through her, but no longer the panic from before.

Gohama kneeled between his legs, her hands resting on his knees, as she tried to be as reassuring as she could. "You can talk to me, if you want to… I remember you saying once that you're not good with advice but you can listen. It's the same with me."

"You'll hate me."

"You're weirdly un-hateable to me, Kakashi." Gohama said with a small playful smile and the words were so foolishly, cruelly and thankfully true. "So try me."

His eyes, searched for a lie or maybe even loathing in her own, tomoe spinning through the red iris, and she let him see everything he wanted to, open and true and vulnerable. It didn't unease her, Kakashi's sharingan no longer put her on edge, and she wanted him to see her for herself, she wanted him to know her. Even if her fear of vulnerability and rejection continued to loom, her want ruled deeper and stronger.

"I killed my best friend."

"Obito…?"

"No. Rin… my other teammate…"

And Kakashi told her everything, his eyes only rarely meeting her own, as he evaded them to look down or at the side. He even told her of his first mission as a jonin, the mission where Obito had died, giving his life for Kakashi and his sharingan as a promotion gift, how he had promised his dying teammate to take care of Rin.

Kakashi shared the cruel painful details, each new word stabbing deeper into her heart, tightening harder against the walls of her throat. The smothering compassion continued to swell, her seams stretching until her chest clamped up and she couldn't breathe. The tears were fighting to spill, her throat burning from them, but she wanted to be steady for him, she wanted to be safe and hold the trust he was resting on her in firm strong hands.

His teammate, Rin, had killed herself for Konoha with his chidori. Poor girl… and yet so cruel in her despair. How could he tell her that with his steady voice, marked with anguish and still so even? A tear spilled from her waterline as he shared, and she tried to keep silent and stop the others that fell as well.

When Kakashi finished, his head was cast low, eyes fixed on their intertwined hands, her thumb smoothing over his knuckles even if she knew it couldn't sooth him. Nothing could sooth from the grief and injustice of what he had lived through, of the sorrow and guilt Kakashi had carried in him for so long, always alone, always detached and always kind. Her admiration would never stop growing.

Gohama internally cursed as a tear fell from her chin and landed on their hands. Kakashi lifted his head, his eyes widening with what seemed surprise until they fell into the sorrow she had heard on his voice. "Hey… no… don't cry for me, Gohama." Kakashi whispered as one hand reached up to cup the back of her head.

"I'm sorry… I should be the one comforting you, not the other way around."

"You already have, and still are. Just don't cry, not because of me…"

His fingers brushed the tears from her cheeks, and she let out a choked sigh at his gentle touch, her heart swelling and clenching all at once. It was her weakness, and she thought she would never want anything more than for Kakashi to hold her, tenderly, kindly, as if she was precious to him, as if nothing mattered but them… Her hand held onto his and pressed it more fully against her cheek, trying to seal the affection that overflowed through her.

"I can't help it. The floodgates opened last month and now I'm always crying…" She gave him a small sweet smile, with a hint of playfulness. "Even for you, Kakashi."

His fingers tightened around the hairs of her nape, his voice leaving in a broken whisper. "You should hate me."

"I know."

"Why don't you?"

"I don't know."

"Maybe you take after Tsukate." He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "Or your father. You have his eyes too."

She smiled softly, even if she knew it was not true. "Thank you and thank you for telling me. I wish I could say or do something for you that would actually comfort or—"

"You can, just stay here with me for a while."

Gohama nodded, she hadn't even considered leaving for home without him. And she didn't want to, even if her eyes were heavy from crying and a sleepless night after a heavy fight, Gohama wanted to be with him. She truly did want to be with him in a vast frightening way. They sat side to side, his shoulder pressed to hers and her head resting on it.

The night was cold and quiet, harsh gusts of wind blowing from time to time, the water in front of them splashing with it, the leaves rustling and above them the spotted gleaming sky of her childhood home.

Gohama forced herself to stay away just so she could enjoy the beautiful overwhelming moment, when she was here and Kakashi was here and she felt everything was enough. Things were painful but beautiful, and she could feel their meaning oozing into her, she couldn't read it, but still it trembled through the marrow of her bones and the now lively beating of her heart. For the first time since discovering the truth of the massacre, something other than grief ruled through her being, something warm and giddy.

When her eyes opened with a start, she realised she had fallen asleep. Her cheek turned on his shoulder, so she could look at Kakashi, the starlight reflecting on his dark and red eyes.

"What are you thinking…" Gohama asked him in a quiet whisper not to disrupt the night.

"That the sky is incredible here." Kakashi answered with wide eyes staring up and a crease between his eyebrows.

"What more are than that?"

"That I shouldn't be the one here with you." He finally looked at her. "It should be Hansuke."

"Kakashi."

"Are you in love with him?" His eyes were unrelenting as they searched through hers, searched what she wasn't answering. It made her turn away from him, towards the shore of the river. "You are. You wouldn't hesitate if you weren't. You wouldn't have sent him away and let me stay here, if you weren't in love with him."

"I'm not." She cut it harshly, her voice trembling as she did. "You don't get it."

"What don't I get? I've seen you look at him."

"I was infatuated with him. I was infatuated with how he made me feel, with how he… loved me. No matter how much I wanted, it was never the same as being in love. Or maybe it was, I don't know... Hansuke's amazing, despite everything, he's still amazing. How could I not be in love with him? How…? When he was everything I needed in a man to love… maybe still is even after what I know. Everything I could ever want and ask for. Everything I don't deserve… but I could never fall in love with him…"

"Even if you're not in love, you still love Hansuke. And Kisamaru and Nikato. Maybe even Genma in small drunken doses."

"Love is about actions."

"You chose your village and family. I'm right when I say you're all about love, Gohama."

"Kakashi…" Gohama begged as her hand brushed through her face with a tired sigh. Why did those words of his ached so fucking much? "You really should leave for Konoha. Your team needs you."

"No."

"Kakashi."

"It's true. When they needed me I wasn't there for them and thank the gods they don't need me anymore."

Her eyes raised to watch him at the dejected self-loathing tone in his voice. Did Kakashi truly think so poorly of himself when it came to Team Seven? He probably did, considering it was Kakashi and his annoying tendency to blame himself for everything.

"You were there for Sasuke and—"

"And where is he now?"

"That was his own choice. It wasn't your fault, Kakashi. And the other two, you taught them about teamwork and how much they fight for Sasuke shows how ingrained that is in them…"

"I taught them teamwork, but I forgot everything else that a ninja needs to know."

Before she could speak again, Kakashi gave her one of his eye-crinkling smiles, the tone from before turning light.

"It's okay, Gohama, I can recognise my own failures. I'm just grateful they found great shishou to guide them and do for them what I couldn't. Sakura can make craters with her fists and heal people back to life. I still can't understand how I could overlook her potential like that... And Naruto… He'll change the world for better. When he becomes Hokage, he'll change Konoha for better. It's almost irrational how much I believe in Naruto." His eyes turned to the sky then, a dreamy tenderness softening the visible lines of his face. "He gives me hope…"

"Kakashi."

"Hmm?"

"You're a good man. You know that, right?"

Kakashi didn't answer, his face stuck with that droopy uncaring eye, that wasn't uncaring at all.

"It's true. Everyone admires you in Konoha not only because you're a good ninja, but because you're a good person. For Gai you're the epitome of a great man, and even Genma says nice things. I think Nikato may have a bit of a crush, and that's saying something considering he's straight. Hansuke's always been grateful for everything you did for him in and after ANBU. And Uncle too. Uncle really admired you."

During her little speech, Kakashi just stared back at her, the blank mask spreading through his expression. But Gohama wouldn't let him go so easily, not when he was a stubborn self-doubting man that needed some truth slapped into his face.

She smiled, letting her face express what her words said. "I admire you."

"Please don't, Gohama."

"And it's not something new."

Kakashi seemed frozen, his wide pupils jumping from spot to spot as he searched her face again. Fear. He was frozen and she was certain there was fear as he looked at her. His chakra was crackling against her senses, making her skin tingle. She had fucked up. She wanted to help him, she wanted to show him how she saw him, not frighten him. Gohama didn't want him to feel overwhelmed and she certainly didn't want him to regret talking to her, showing himself to her, broken and strong and true.

"I'm sorry, Kakashi, I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable, especially not after… tonight." She pushed his shoulder so he would lay down. "Let me see your injury and then you're free from me."

Kakashi lifted his loose thick shirt slightly above the end of his ribs. The path of sliver hairs descending from his navel and disappearing under his waistband immediately pulled at her eyes. Reigning on her self-control, they shifted to the red angry mended skin crisscrossed by medical thread. Her fingertips pressed lightly to the flesh around the wound, her mind attentive to small flinches and the fluctuations of his chakra. It certainly hurt him.

"Sorry I couldn't do a better job."

"I still think it may be better than bleeding out."

"Opinions." Her hand hovered above the scar and she sent a mixture of her medical chakra to sooth the pain and Seiryu's chakra to accelerate the healing. "Does this feel better?"

"Mm.", was all Kakashi answered in a relaxed tone.

Her other hand lifted his shirt higher so she could see the bruise around his broken rib. The flesh was still a bit tattered, but looked good enough considering the circumstances. She didn't miss Kakashi's shiver as her fingers brushed feather lightly over it out of her own selfish need. His reaction was dangerous, it made her lightheaded and it made her careless.

They had been surprised with how quickly Kakashi had recovered from the Tsukuyomi. Itachi had said his spirit had started to mend immediately, but Gohama was sure he had also been lenient when forging the unbreakable genjutsu. Kakashi didn't seem to want to think about it or discuss it, so it left the questions lingering in her mind.

What was better than medical chakra to heal the spirit and how was that active without them sensing it? Could it be Seiryu's chakra? The lizard had laughed with a condescending tone in his rumbles when she had asked him about it and joked about humans and their blindness. Just to infuriate her he had chosen not to enlighten her, so now she was sulking. Seiryu had joked about that too.

She pulled the shirt back down, the back of her knuckles gliding through his skin on purpose. She left the hem at his navel's height with the excuse that she was still working on the cut at his side and needed to watch the progress. Her gaze was once again pinned to the tantalising line of hairs.

Once the process was finished, she looked up to Kakashi's face noting, with a slight blush of shame, that he seemed to have fallen asleep. Gohama felt like a creepy pervert, gawking while he trusted her enough to relax when her chakra was intruding into his own body.

She covered him back and moved to stand up and leave. A small touch on her hand stopped her. "Lay down." Kakashi whispered steadily.

It came more as an order than a request, but it didn't faze her, not when she wanted to stay. He coaxed her to rest her head on his extended arm, and she did, leaving a sliver of distance between them as she was turned on her side, a perfect view to his masked profile.

"Sleep." He told her. "I know you didn't sleep last night."

* * *

Kakashi let his head fall to the side so he could watch Gohama as she slept. His eyes were pulled immediately to her parted lips taking in and letting out deep quiet breaths. They followed the line of her nose to her closed lids, her lashes hovering above the dark circles under her eyes. His fingers floated above the skin of her cheek, but he stopped himself from touching her, not wanting Gohama to wake up.

Gohama's expression had always changed when she was sleeping, the sharpness around her eyes softened and the lines of her face eased into an unguarded almost innocent expression. Just watching her unguarded and vulnerable while her cheek rested on his arm made Kakashi's heart swell with that affectionate need he couldn't control, and an overflowing care that was both tender and burning. Gohama thrilled and soothed his dried heart.

Love.

That was the name he had searched for and it had already been carved into himself in a language he couldn't read before, just feel that it was there. How hadn't he realised it before? It explained everything she was to him and it was so clear now in Gohama's peaceful tired face as she slept. The name was drawn into the lines of her face and the aching flesh of his heart, he could finally read it, he could finally say it.

Love.

The word had sung in his chest the moment Gohama had told him she admired him. As a ray of lightning that illuminated the night for an instant, Kakashi had startled at the sudden light, blinding and terrifying. When he had finally read it in the lines of her beautiful face, he had frozen, his heartbeat thundering through his ears.

Love was terrifying to him. Kakashi had none of Hansuke's kind simplicity, Gai's giving expressive nature and Gohama's fierce devotion. He didn't know how to love wholeheartedly, much less this new type of love that burst with passion and unfolded with gentleness. He would take on the entire world for her, but that meant nothing in reality. All his loved ones were doomed to die, how could he mark that fate to her? Love was loss and pain.

Still, he loved her. He truly did, he truly had. For years, he just had never let himself open to what was so carefully and deeply carved into himself. Since that night on Dazai's mission, when Gohama had shown her vulnerability to him, and he had seen her, truly seen her for the first time. How could he not have fallen in love with her then? How could he not love her now?

It was selfish of him to ignore his fault and his failure, his undeserving love for Gohama. But for just this few moments under Buki's night sky, he would allow himself to be selfish.

"I love her." He whispered quietly to Bukigakure's starry sky and what had been yearning in him for so long was finally made real.

It was his and the sky's secret. Gohama had no need for the love of her parents' killer.


End file.
